Raiders of the Official Relationship Thread

[Anita18]

at first i thought it was just a sexual attraction -- but it isnt just that. im not ashamed to say that i actually have an emotional need for hypothetical other person. hypothetical other person really, really needs to stop being hypothetical and reflective of my unconscious mind and start to, yknow, friggin exist in the real world.

i have that emotional need to be with someone else, someone i can love and grow with. i thought i found her and i was wrong, again. i have that emotional need, and experience tells me to suppress it until the other person starts sharing it. for now, there's none of that.

I think you can only say that realistically if you've been dating exclusively for a while.

I have a lot of male friends with many of the same interests I do. Namely, people I've met on here. But being friends with someone and sharing a life with them is completely different.

It's not wrong, but it depends on the case. I used to be one of those people that would want the girl to clearly express interest, and that would often get me confused when I would mistake kindness for affection. I think that's why the best advice is always don't worry and just put yourself out there, that way you don't waste time waiting for something that may never happen. Heck, a girl might like you and wait for you to make a move while you're waiting for her, and then it'll never happen because no one made a move.

-raises hand- I've been there. He's one of the aforementioned hot guys (very social, lots of friends) who's never had a serious girlfriend to my knowledge. I suspected we crushed on each other during college but we were so different socially and I was too intimidated to make a move. He, well, I don't know what his problem was.

 

[SuperSoldier985]

I actually don’t agree with that.

This is going to sound strange coming from me, but I think MEN are FAR and away more superficial than women. I’m very guilty of it myself.

Women on the other hand are FAR more interested in your attitude and personality body language etc... That displays confidence, especially confidence with women.

Good looking men with poor self-esteem will always lose out to an ugly man with a lot of self confidence.

When it comes to appearance women are more interested in how well groomed you are, the clothes and shoes you wear, as they are all signs of status in the human pack order.

Women are looking for the very things that you DO have a lot of control over to change.

Men on the other hand are far more interested in the parts of her appearance she cannot change, or that take a ton of work and effort to change. That is her face, and her body. Men with options absolutely judge women harshly on these things, women on the other hand are way more forgiving of an out of shape looking body and less than perfect facial features.

You notice I did say, sometimes.

 

[SpideyVille]

I crave both. I think I could handle being single more if there wasn't a need for companionship though.

I've always wanted a companion since as long as I could remember. But at the same time, I've realized recently that I have a loner mentality since I'm so used to it so I could learn to be happy like that. But deep down inside, I'd much rather find that one special someone and spend the rest of my life with them.

 

[Spider-Who?]

Right, and who says you always have to be doing things together even when you are together?

I live in a tiny studio and more often than not, when my bf's here we can be in the same room but doing completely different things. It just feels comforting when I can walk over and muss my bf's hair.

Exactly. My ex-fiance and I worked out a pretty good system with this. It came in quite handy during our senior finals in college. And to be honest, there's something almost sweet and romantic about it.

That being said, while that is a great thing, and (IMO) shows a maturity in the relationship, I still need "me time" in the most basic sense of the word. I need that peace and quiet that only comes from being alone. Especially when it involves writing/recording music. There are just certain things and times where I thrive on being alone, and I've never been able to see myself NOT having that ability, regardless of my relationship status. In fact, my ex-fiance and I talked quite seriously about converting our detached garage into a music studio/rec room for that purpose (and so she didn't always have to deal with the loud music, lol). She was the ONLY girl that understood that need because she had it, too.

 

[Nave 'Torment']

It's not wrong, but it depends on the case. I used to be one of those people that would want the girl to clearly express interest, and that would often get me confused when I would mistake kindness for affection. I think that's why the best advice is always don't worry and just put yourself out there, that way you don't waste time waiting for something that may never happen. Heck, a girl might like you and wait for you to make a move while you're waiting for her, and then it'll never happen because no one made a move.

i guess it goes back to that 'being able to read people' thing. in which case, unless hypothetical other person isnt open to such reading, if she isnt open then i dont see shouldnt try to "open up" on my own, not emotionally at least. its hurtful. maybe im still brooding. i'll give me a little time

I crave both. I think I could handle being single more if there wasn't a need for companionship though.

*sigh* exactly my friend. exactly.

there are bound to be other needs that are in demand though... in the face of utter isolation i always believe that we have to save ourselves. i think the trick is to be able to focus all that emotional 'energy', if it does exist, on something else.

(im not talking about sexual needs there guys :P)

Right, and who says you always have to be doing things together even when you are together?

I live in a tiny studio and more often than not, when my bf's here we can be in the same room but doing completely different things. It just feels comforting when I can walk over and muss my bf's hair.


Well, I think many people would agree, being able to read people WOULD make it a lot easier for people to be attracted to you. But no, of course it isn't required. You could come across someone you just click with.

i think personal boundaries can definitely exist even within the same room. if im in such a profound relationship where im sharing my living space with hypothetical other girl, then i'm definitely a) comfortable with having her in that space, including her eccentricities and annoyances and b) comfortable enough that there we can communicate about solitary 'me' time.

... as for clicking - i'll try to be the other person now. and let HER do the clicking. whoever the hell she is. i feel a little sorry for hypothetical other girl now. but then i realise she doesnt exist.

 

[SpideyVille]

I think you can only say that realistically if you've been dating exclusively for a while.

I have a lot of male friends with many of the same interests I do. Namely, people I've met on here. But being friends with someone and sharing a life with them is completely different.

Exactly. The girl I met in college, I could've swore she was my soul mate because we had so many conversation where it was like we were one and we connected so well. But after we stopped talking and she had a kid, I realized that there was a ton that I didn't know about her and I almost felt like that perfect vision I had of her wasn't real, but was rather something I had created because I wanted to believe she was 'the one'. But its also why I'm glad things didn't work out because she's really been negative and a downer about going after anything in life since she now has a kid. I don't think I could've stood for that too long had we actually been together.

-raises hand- I've been there. He's one of the aforementioned hot guys (very social, lots of friends) who's never had a serious girlfriend to my knowledge. I suspected we crushed on each other during college but we were so different socially and I was too intimidated to make a move. He, well, I don't know what his problem was.

Yeah, I had a couple of cases in high school where I found out a girl I kinda liked liked me back, but I never made a move and we ended up drifting apart so it was too late to go back. I, of course, have never been a good judge of females and whether they are into me.

 

[Anita18]

When it comes to appearance women are more interested in how well groomed you are, the clothes and shoes you wear, as they are all signs of status in the human pack order.

Women are looking for the very things that you DO have a lot of control over to change.

Men on the other hand are far more interested in the parts of her appearance she cannot change, or that take a ton of work and effort to change. That is her face, and her body. Men with options absolutely judge women harshly on these things, women on the other hand are way more forgiving of an out of shape looking body and less than perfect facial features.

We women also know that any remotely in-shape man in a uniform is hawt.

Guys well, I guess most guys only want girls in bikinis and those are obviously less forgiving.

I've always wanted a companion since as long as I could remember. But at the same time, I've realized recently that I have a loner mentality since I'm so used to it so I could learn to be happy like that. But deep down inside, I'd much rather find that one special someone and spend the rest of my life with them.

My bf and I are naturally loners so we get along well, because we understand the need for space. It's nice feeling like someone has your back.

Exactly. My ex-fiance and I worked out a pretty good system with this. It came in quite handy during our senior finals in college. And to be honest, there's something almost sweet and romantic about it.

That being said, while that is a great thing, and (IMO) shows a maturity in the relationship, I still need "me time" in the most basic sense of the word. I need that peace and quiet that only comes from being alone. Especially when it involves writing/recording music. There are just certain things and times where I thrive on being alone, and I've never been able to see myself NOT having that ability, regardless of my relationship status. In fact, my ex-fiance and I talked quite seriously about converting our detached garage into a music studio/rec room for that purpose (and so she didn't always have to deal with the loud music, lol). She was the ONLY girl that understood that need because she had it, too.

Yes, I don't want to go skateboarding with him all the time and frankly I sometimes wish he'd go away for a few hours so I can do things like play the piano. I feel bad doing it when he's around because our space is so small and he normally craves quiet.

Yes, I think my first bf and I didn't get along as well in that regard because he was an extrovert who craved social time even though he wasn't yet confident enough to ask for it, and I was an introvert who hadn't yet become confident in my hermitness. That sort of basic understanding is something you need.

 

[SuperMike335!!]

You notice I did say, sometimes.

Yeah, also noticed the words "much more" right after, as well as you stating you don't have time to make such changes to your attitude and clothing style, which is a silly defeatist attitude.

My point was that you clearly are under less scrutiny on things you can't change, and are being judged on things that are well within your power to change, so why not change them?

 

[Anita18]

... as for clicking - i'll try to be the other person now. and let HER do the clicking. whoever the hell she is. i feel a little sorry for hypothetical other girl now. but then i realise she doesnt exist.

Um, who ever said clicking was one-sided? There has to be mutual clickage!

Exactly. The girl I met in college, I could've swore she was my soul mate because we had so many conversation where it was like we were one and we connected so well. But after we stopped talking and she had a kid, I realized that there was a ton that I didn't know about her and I almost felt like that perfect vision I had of her wasn't real, but was rather something I had created because I wanted to believe she was 'the one'. But its also why I'm glad things didn't work out because she's really been negative and a downer about going after anything in life since she now has a kid. I don't think I could've stood for that too long had we actually been together.

Exactly. It's very easy to take say, one of your friends and envision her as your perfect woman. But you won't know unless you start to date her and become more intimate in your everyday lives.

 

[Optimus_Prime_]

not one bit. its not like my interests (or any one else's) is so bizarre and strange to the point of obsession or anything like that. i certainly dont expect others to share my OBSESSIONS. but interests? things i find to be intriguing? i'll always share that with those around me. and so far theres been very little that was disliked by others. it isnt all that strange to share your hobbies.

No, I'm not saying it is, but this is a perspective you've developed being around your friends. None of your friends who have known you will find any of your interests their aware of strange. Me and my friend Ross can talk comics and Aquaman all day long until we're blue in the face. We happen to share these interests, and his friends and I have all known each other long enough that all of our little idiotic interests don't phase anyone.

So it isn't strange, and no one says it's strange except those who find it strange.

case in point: i'm really into ancient mythology right now, but the otherwise 'annoying' references or mythical models that i see around me when im with people doesnt really upset them.

It won't upset girls. It will alienate them. "Do I really have to hear him talk about ancient mythology...again". These interests are great, no one is saying they aren't, but with women you need to save them for when people ask you about them. You need to keep your conversations in the moment. Keep your conversations about you and the girl you're with, and what's going on around you. When you go up and talk to a girl, or rather before you do, observe her and what's going on around her at that moment and lead with that. When she asks you about things that you like, that's when you can give little snippits about yourself.

One of the major issue I see nerds/geeks have, is they really think people want tons of details. Just hit the high points. That way if she's interested she can follow up later OR if she isn't, she doesn't feel like she's dating a guy who is all about ancient mythology. Unless she shares your unyielding passion for mythology (which she probably won't) your interest will just serve as a turn off.

as for girls, i'm actually open to new things so yeah, i'd be open to her interests no matter how strange they can be. would i dislike it? i could, so could she. it doesnt have to be all that perfect, that's just too extreme and unrealistic to expect, bordering on a certain extremity that really would be unhealthy.

See, I'm more discerning than this. I'm willing to hear your interests, but if they are strange I'll either A) poke fun at her about them or B) maybe they're so strange this isn't gonna work. I am open to new things, but I know what I like, and I don't want to justify all those interests to someone else. I'm more inclined to talk less about my interests and simply let people become aware of them as they get to know me.

 

[bullets]

Exactly. The girl I met in college, I could've swore she was my soul mate because we had so many conversation where it was like we were one and we connected so well. But after we stopped talking and she had a kid, I realized that there was a ton that I didn't know about her and I almost felt like that perfect vision I had of her wasn't real, but was rather something I had created because I wanted to believe she was 'the one'.

I've done that a couple times coming out of a long relationship. I hit it off really well with this girl named Crystal but part of it was me thinking she fit a certain mold. Unfortunately I didn't notice she had other issues and it made me question why I liked her in the first place. When we would of been much better off as just friends.

 

[SuperSoldier985]

Yeah, also noticed the words "much more" right after, as well as you stating you don't have time to make such changes to your attitude and clothing style, which is a silly defeatist attitude.

My point was that you clearly are under less scrutiny on things you can't change, and are being judged on things that are well within your power to change, so why not change them?

Ummm, do you think that if it was so easy for people to change themselves, that they would?

Sure, you may have had some success in your experience, but that's not necessarily a universal concept at all.

 

[SpideyVille]

WMy bf and I are naturally loners so we get along well, because we understand the need for space. It's nice feeling like someone has your back.

I think in my case, I don't like being a loner, but feel like I had no choice but to be that way because of how I grew up, and on some level, looking for companionship has been my goal for fighting this. Like I want to find someone so that I'm not alone more than anything else.

Exactly. It's very easy to take say, one of your friends and envision her as your perfect woman. But you won't know unless you start to date her and become more intimate in your everyday lives.

Yeah, I've realized that I've done this very often in my life with the girls I liked, regardless of whether or not I was friends with them or just had a class with them. I think I mentioned this heare before, but I feel like I've been more in love with the idea of falling in love than actually thinking I was in love with a girl. Like the feels are always the same, but the girl is always different. So I feel like those feelings were never real but instead were feelings that I convinced myself to have because I wanted them.

 

[SpideyVille]

I've done that a couple times coming out of a long relationship. I hit it off really well with this girl named Crystal but part of it was me thinking she fit a certain mold. Unfortunately I didn't notice she had other issues and it made me question why I liked her in the first place. When we would of been much better off as just friends.

Exactly. Like I mentioned in the post above, the feelings were there but not necessarily because of the girl. that's why sometimes when I have a crush on a girl, I know it will pass after some time if I don't see her. If not, then I start creating good memories and moments in my head that weren't really like that in reality. It sucks but that's why I've tried to watch out for myself and know myself so that I don't do that.

 

[SuperMike335!!]

... as for clicking - i'll try to be the other person now. and let HER do the clicking. whoever the hell she is. i feel a little sorry for hypothetical other girl now. but then i realise she doesnt exist.

Um, who ever said clicking was one-sided? There has to be mutual clickage!

You should order her to click her mouse while you are hard driving her. Don't be afraid to really hard drive her too, so many guys are very software. You need to format her like it was your last format! Don't worry most girls like it if it gets a little glitchy.

 

[Anita18]

Ummm, do you think that if it was so easy for people to change themselves, that they would?

Sure, you may have had some success in your experience, but that's not necessarily a universal concept at all.

Some parts are easy to change, relatively. Get a nice haircut, spend some money on some nice dress shirts. It REALLY adds a lot to a guy's look. Really. My bf could be wearing the same exact shoes and jeans, but change out the too-big t-shirt for a well-fitted dress shirt and he instantly looks 50% hotter.

For girls, it's harder, but still doable. I'm completely aware that I could easily add 2 points to my "scale" if I did my hair and put on makeup and spent money on my wardrobe to make it more feminine. But I'm lazy and cheap and kind of don't give a crap.

But the point is to be aware you CAN easily change some things about yourself to look more attractive.

I think in my case, I don't like being a loner, but feel like I had no choice but to be that way because of how I grew up, and on some level, looking for companionship has been my goal for fighting this. Like I want to find someone so that I'm not alone more than anything else.

Yeah that's a different thing than craving solitude and having that be part of your personality. But you still have to be careful that you don't have someone around just because you don't want to be alone.

 

[SuperMike335!!]

Yeah that's a different thing than craving solitude and having that be part of your personality. But you still have to be careful that you don't have someone around just because you don't want to be alone.

This is very true. One should never get in a relationship because they are just lonely.

For that I suggest a lot of self esteem work, learning some skills with women so that when it comes to a relationship he has options, and is with someone because he wants her with him, for who she is and how much she values him.

When a guy is lonely he will do a lot of things that seem desperate and that sabotages his chances, its can be a self re-enforcing behavior, that needs to be broken before getting knee deep in a relationship.

If you take a look at guys who jumped into relationships because they were lonley, you will find a lot of angry bitter guys who would be better of celibate.

When you look at guys who made themselves who they wanted to be first, sure enough they have option, and they chose a girl who does them right.

Many of the worlds most successful men got where they are while single, and in fact stayed single on purpose while attaining their goals, so that they would not become side tracked from their goal. Once they had succeded they only then allowed themselves to have a relationship. Its not about being cold, but priority.

Spidyville, is there any goal you are working toward in life right now? School? Building a Business? Something like that where you envision yourself as you want to be?

 

[bullets]

But the point is to be aware you CAN easily change some things about yourself to look more attractive.

There's a funny video of a guy ranting about not getting responses on POF called "plenty of fish rant grrrrrrrrrr!!!". What's funny is that he seems to be putting no effort into making himself more appealing. I don't think you have to change who you are but you should at least make an effort not to look like a bum .

 

[Anita18]

There's a funny video of a guy ranting about not getting responses on POF called "plenty of fish rant grrrrrrrrrr!!!". What's funny is that he seems to be putting no effort into making himself more appealing. I don't think you have to change who you are but you should at least make an effort not to look like a bum .

The lack of grooming and choice of background aside (at least sit in a real chair, dude), he would still look 50% better if you put a dress shirt on him. Even with the shorts.

 

[amazingfantasy15]

This is very true. One should never get in a relationship because they are just lonely.

For that I suggest a lot of self esteem work, learning some skills with women so that when it comes to a relationship he has options, and is with someone because he wants her with him, for who she is and how much she values him.

When a guy is lonely he will do a lot of things that seem desperate and that sabotages his chances, its can be a self re-enforcing behavior, that needs to be broken before getting knee deep in a relationship.

If you take a look at guys who jumped into relationships because they were lonley, you will find a lot of angry bitter guys who would be better of celibate.

When you look at guys who made themselves who they wanted to be first, sure enough they have option, and they chose a girl who does them right.

Many of the worlds most successful men got where they are while single, and in fact stayed single on purpose while attaining their goals, so that they would not become side tracked from their goal. Once they had succeded they only then allowed themselves to have a relationship. Its not about being cold, but priority.

Spidyville, is there any goal you are working toward in life right now? School? Building a Business? Something like that where you envision yourself as you want to be?

Totally agree with this here. It's a lot like the talks about different types of confidence, when you're doing something to better yourself just for you, it gives off a different type of confidence and attractiveness. I know when I met my girlfriend it was at a time when I would've liked a girlfriend, I was actively looking for one, but it didn't define me. I had a goal of running a marathon and was working towards that, at the time it was my primary focus. I gave myself the most avenues since college to finding a girl, being on an online dating site, playing on a recreational sports team and being part of a large training program for the marathon (running next to someone for 2+ hours you better think of something to talk about) but it was secondary. In fact, my girlfriend was one of the last dates I was planning to go on before taking a break from dating, I was totally okay if none of them worked out. However, that first date with my now girlfriend we just clicked, things were right, we had a lot of the same interests, but plenty of different ones as well. We may be more we, than me and you, but we also make sure to enjoy life and keep trying new things so we do have things to talk about when we're with other people.

 

[SuperMike335!!]

Ummm, do you think that if it was so easy for people to change themselves, that they would?

Sure, you may have had some success in your experience, but that's not necessarily a universal concept at all.

How old are you? It may relate to some of the advice given.

Regardless you are not to old to change yourself, its easy, possible and lot of people succeed all the time. Nothing makes them better than you, if they can, so can you.

You need to get rid of ALL the negativity in your life, and replace it with positive things. Sometimes this means distancing yourself from negative relationships, people who hurt your self esteem.

You would be shocked the power of positive thinking. The "I can" attitude. Ok, it sounds cheesy, but I can vouch for it.

I've been in some very dark places in my life, from serving in combat in Iraq, have PTSD and a traumatic brain injury from a ****ing bomb. I’ve dealt with the suicide of a close very friend and the loss of a career I had worked my whole life for as a result. I’ve gone through a bitter divorce and lost a custody fight over my son who I now only see 29% of the time. I have fought an addiction to anabolic steroids, and due to permanent damage to my endocrine system I have had to inject myself with a hormone weekly for the rest of my life. I have also dealt with sex addiction (yes a dark side to success with women) and even had to be treated for STD’s.

So just a few negative things I’ve deal with, and many more people have overcome much worse and done over more. When your outlook on the world is negative you don’t see silver linings or how many options you have for self improvement.

I have a new career, one I enjoy far more, plenty of money, my own house, with time on my hands to enjoy what I have and a Fiancée who is gorgeous. I strongly consider my situation in life to be a success.
Having a positive "I can" attitude allows you to do a lot. It attracts good things into your life. Dwelling on problems and negativity only leads to more negativity. Life does not cater to ********, but it gladly serves those who are open minded about making their lives better.

Make a written list of the things you want. Better clothes? Better house/apartment? Better Job? Back to school/finnish school? Learning skills with women?

Then reverse engineer the list. Set yourself on a mission to improve and be exactly who you want to be. Do not let feelings of negativity cause you anxiety, if they do take a deep breath, focus on something positive and set yourself toward your goal.

Yes it IS that easy, The idea that is IS EASY to improve yourself is the correct paradigm. Nobody ever succeeded with the "this is going to suck" attitude. Anybody who has succeeded has had the "this is possible/easy" attitude.

 

[amazingfantasy15]

The lack of grooming and choice of background aside (at least sit in a real chair, dude), he would still look 50% better if you put a dress shirt on him. Even with the shorts.

Well, the video also reeks of desperation and a lack of any type of confidence.

 

[Anita18]

Well, the video also reeks of desperation and a lack of any type of confidence.

I didn't have the sound on, but even from just watching him, I wouldn't date him either. And you all know how I am for the nerds!

 

[SpideyVille]

Yeah that's a different thing than craving solitude and having that be part of your personality. But you still have to be careful that you don't have someone around just because you don't want to be alone.

Yeah, I think this is a big reason why I've been more selective with girls now lately, as opposed to immediately going after a girl just because she seemed to show some interest in me. I've gotten more comfortable being alone and finding ways to enjoy myself because after that last girl, I realized I was getting a bit desperate, and that's where the trouble will start.

I also see my mom who I mentioned broke up with her boyfriend 3 years ago and still hasn't moved on mainly because she knows she's old and will mostly likely end up alone, especially since she doesn't even make an effort to go out or meet people.

 

[SpideyVille]

Spidyville, is there any goal you are working toward in life right now? School? Building a Business? Something like that where you envision yourself as you want to be?

Well I just finished college and right now I'm working on trying to set up some business for people who might be interesting in buying artwork from me while I try to a more traditional job in case this doesn't work out. At least getting a job or something to make money is my biggest concern right now before I actually try to go out to find a girl. I know its not necessary to get started with a girl, but I'd feel like crap trying to take a girl out without having any money.

But yeah, like you mentioned, one concern I had about finishing school was that I'd be distracted if I was in a relationship since I saw what the pursuit alone did to me during my first semester. School was important and I was a little hesitant to mess with that, especially since I'm partially considering going back for my Master's.