Raiders of the Official Relationship Thread

[SuperMike335!!]

I always advocate ACT confident, you don't have to BE confident. And most times, they start believing in themselves after a while being with someone allows them to be in a more comfortable situation that allows them to improve their self confidence.

But my point was, if you are going to put forward questions or an "attitude" that is not really you, why bother? I almost liken it to people who put 10 year old pictures or different angled shots of themselves in their profile.

Don't say you love outdoor sports but you're sitting on your ass in front of the TV.

I understand you really want to make yourself stand out in a inbox full of guys, then yes stand out BUT if you are portraying someone who's almost a 180 degree turn from who you really are, unless you are just looking for a quick one nighter, than you are just wasting everybody's time and your money.

Agreed, obviously they should not put up something that is 180 degree turn from how they are in person. They should play to their strengths however.

If someone is not interesting and is leading a boring life, then THAT is a good sign of where the real problem is. If that's the case they need to be working on themselves before they bother to fill the void with a relationship.

Acting more confident definitely can actually help them become more confident, as the possitive results are self renforcing.

 

[Anita18]

I like pre-screeners. I myself wouldn't want to be with someone who was prudish AND would prefer someone who is playful and has a fun even a twisted sense of humor as I do.

That being said, not all guys could send something like that and pull it off especially guys who are timid, shy and quiet.

Even if they did send something like that and was able to get past the phone calls and actually go on a date. How can they explain off their "fun" e-mails when they themselves are staring at their hands unsure what to say because they are nervous and don't have a script in front of them.

If this is meant to be able to bag a girl, in and out like a Special Ops, that's fine, but like I said, if that outgoing type of e-mails is not really who that guy is, he may have a hard time keeping up a charade.

Exactly, Erz. That's why I was always fairly hesitant in bothering with hair and makeup and clothes like girls trying to attract a guy are "supposed to", because that's not how I am naturally. How long could I keep up the charade, and how long could I stay with the person knowing that he was only interested in the person I was pretending to be?

And I'm only talking about things that would probably take me an hour a day to do. I'm a very poor actor otherwise, wouldn't be able to keep up a personality charade for more than a few minutes.

"Wow, you're on a dating website?!? You must have some real issues".

No.

I would probably change that to read:

"Isn't it funny that we both are on an online dating site? We must have issues, or something."

Yes. With wording like that, it's obvious that the person at the other end is confident, but just joking about what they're doing. Someone with a self-deprecating sense of humor is immensely attractive.

At least to women like me. And I swear I'm not THAT odd, probably just a little more intelligent than the average bimbo.

If someone is not interesting and is leading a boring life, then THAT is a good sign of where the real problem is. If that's the case they need to be working on themselves before they bother to fill the void with a relationship.

And that's subjective too. What's boring to someone could be immensely interesting to someone else.

I find programming to be fairly interesting, even if I don't know much about it. My bf spends most of his free time programming. It's fine, since we're both hermits and don't go out to do more mainstreamly "interesting" stuff anyway. We go out to eat and take walks outside and sometimes I manage to drag him to an art exhibit. That's kind of our speed, and it's fine with us.

My bf "dropped his balls" (as he put it ) and asked my dad over New Year's about graph theory and algorithms. My dad got super-excited and they had a conversation about frickin' graph theory for about an hour. Now I don't find graph theory very interesting myself (maybe I would if I could understand the math behind it), but my bf has enough people skills not to bring it up around folks who don't know about it.

So you really can find people who like you for your boring interests, but you have to find them first. Which means reading through a lot of profiles at the very least. And sharing boring interests with your gf's dad certainly doesn't hurt. t:

 

[SuperMike335!!]

And that's subjective too. What's boring to someone could be immensely interesting to someone else.

I find programming to be fairly interesting, even if I don't know much about it. My bf spends most of his free time programming. It's fine, since we're both hermits and don't go out to do more mainstreamly "interesting" stuff anyway. We go out to eat and take walks outside and sometimes I manage to drag him to an art exhibit. That's kind of our speed, and it's fine with us.

My bf "dropped his balls" (as he put it ) and asked my dad over New Year's about graph theory and algorithms. My dad got super-excited and they had a conversation about frickin' graph theory for about an hour. Now I don't find graph theory very interesting myself (maybe I would if I could understand the math behind it), but my bf has enough people skills not to bring it up around folks who don't know about it.

So you really can find people who like you for your boring interests, but you have to find them first. Which means reading through a lot of profiles at the very least. And sharing boring interests with your gf's dad certainly doesn't hurt. t:

Ok so are you saying that sending girls e-mails about how you both share common interests and are perfect for each other, and then supplicating to her father is the way to go?

 

[Anita18]

Ok so are you saying that sending girls e-mails about how you both share common interests and are perfect for each other, and then supplicating to her father is the way to go?

Not right away, silly. We've been dating for more than 3 years and I think this was the first time he and my dad had such a spirited conversation. My point is that you can be yourself and -gasp- find yourself clicking with someone the way you are. The chances of meeting such a person are IMO higher online because you can go through more people at one time by reading their profiles. But if your goal is a long-term relationship and you're projecting someone you're not, it's just wasting everyone's time.

When we were on POF, it was merely a getting-to-know you phase. And he's not someone who writes or talks for long stretches, so this was all stuff I've had to find out for myself. He never talked about "us" online, and he still doesn't. That's all been in person.

You're probably thinking that I'm telling these guys to spill their guts to the first girl that messages them on these sites. I'm totally not.

Online dating is merely an avenue to meet MORE people, namely, people you wouldn't have a chance to meet in person. That's all. The rest is otherwise normal dating etiquette, however you want to define that. The point is to meet people you find interesting, not necessarily to determine your soul mate before you even get to see them face-to-face.

 

[Optimus_Prime_]

No.

Knowing your background a bit, and your current position, I can understand this response, but seriously if attention is what you want (which is what you want from someone you don't even know yet) getting attention is getting attention.

I find girls say quite publically "teasing" them doesn't work, sadly, they're all lying. Teasing works. You can take it to extremes, overdo it, but if you want to make an impression, it's not a bad place to start. It displays a lot of confidence, and for the most part it's generally understood as teasing. If someone really burst into tears over that remark, or got in my face all ******** about it, frankly, it would say a lot more about them. In fact I'd walk away glad I got shotdown, because if they're that sensitive, I want nothing to do with them.

You might not want to tease a girl your whole life, after a while it loses it's necessity. I think what I notice from you Anita is you frame everything from the perspective of a relationship. You don't maintain a relationship the same way you attract women; it's a completely different animal.

For example saying that line to a girlfriend is completely out of line. Why would you? You have to deal with her on a day to day basis. It's like starting sh** with a co-worker. It's bad practice. Also, you're not trying to get their attention anymore because you have their attention.

A new person, all I want is their attention, for a second, for a minute, whatever. Funny enough, I got a reaction out of you. You read it, and responded. You might think that the "no" is something I can't work with, but you'd be wrong. Last girl I hooked up with told me to "Shut up" when I teased, just those words via text: "shut up". So I f***ed with her back. Told her she was being too sensitive.

Teasing ultimately proves you don't give a sh**. You're not ruining anyone's day by saying these kinds of things, and you're also not saying them to be too deliberately demeaning (like "hey fata**, I wouldn't f*** your sorry piece of sh** body). Teasing shows a lack of intimidation is social situations, it displays confidence, and it proves you don't give a sh**.

Your boyfriend has to act like he cares because he's supposed to care about his girlfriend. No single guy is supposed to act that way. They live in a dog-eat-dog world. They'll have plenty of time to act like Mr. Rogers when they're married (if they ever get married).

 

[Anita18]

Knowing your background a bit, and your current position, I can understand this response, but seriously if attention is what you want (which is what you want from someone you don't even know yet) getting attention is getting attention.

I find girls say quite publically "teasing" them doesn't work, sadly, they're all lying. Teasing works. You can take it to extremes, overdo it, but if you want to make an impression, it's not a bad place to start. It displays a lot of confidence, and for the most part it's generally understood as teasing. If someone really burst into tears over that remark, or got in my face all ******** about it, frankly, it would say a lot more about them. In fact I'd walk away glad I got shotdown, because if they're that sensitive, I want nothing to do with them.

You might not want to tease a girl your whole life, after a while it loses it's necessity. I think what I notice from you Anita is you frame everything from the perspective of a relationship. You don't maintain a relationship the same way you attract women; it's a completely different animal.

Well yes, but I'm pretty sure that I deleted messages from guys who were that brash in their teasing. I like more playful teasing, not aggressive. But to each their own.

Your boyfriend has to act like he cares because he's supposed to care about his girlfriend. No single guy is supposed to act that way. They live in a dog-eat-dog world. They'll have plenty of time to act like Mr. Rogers when they're married (if they ever get married).

Only if you think that dating is a dog-eat-dog world and that your goal is to get a girl, any girl, that is willing to have sex with you long-term.

I don't think that's the goal of most single guys. You see even on here, guys want someone who likes them for them, that they click with. All I'm saying is that it's absolutely possible, given you've met enough people. If any of you met my bf you might be wondering how the hell he conned someone to have sex with him long-term.

It's not about getting any girl's attention any way you can - it's getting the right girl's attention. And that comes from messaging enough girls the way you are, eventually you'll find someone. Not everyone behaves exactly the same way. We all need a bit of intrigue and playfulness, but everyone's definition of that is different.

 

[SuperMike335!!]

Not right away, silly. We've been dating for more than 3 years and I think this was the first time he and my dad had such a spirited conversation. My point is that you can be yourself and -gasp- find yourself clicking with someone the way you are. The chances of meeting such a person are IMO higher online because you can go through more people at one time by reading their profiles. But if your goal is a long-term relationship and you're projecting someone you're not, it's just wasting everyone's time.

When we were on POF, it was merely a getting-to-know you phase. And he's not someone who writes or talks for long stretches, so this was all stuff I've had to find out for myself. He never talked about "us" online, and he still doesn't. That's all been in person.

You're probably thinking that I'm telling these guys to spill their guts to the first girl that messages them on these sites. I'm totally not.

Online dating is merely an avenue to meet MORE people, namely, people you wouldn't have a chance to meet in person. That's all. The rest is otherwise normal dating etiquette, however you want to define that. The point is to meet people you find interesting, not necessarily to determine your soul mate before you even get to see them face-to-face.

They should work on their displays of self confidence, and avoiding behaviors that make them look needy. This is self rewarding, and self re-enforcing.

There are two kinds of self. Interests, accomplishments achievements, goals, knowledge that sort of thing. Then there is the personal attitude, and confidence or lack of, which strongly effects how socially someone interacts with others.

Nobody is saying that these guys should pretend to have different interest, goals, or anything like that. Doing so or making up fake accomplishments, income levels etc... Anybody knows that is a set up for failure.

If a guy is having a lot of failure in finding a female partner, for anything weather it be just sex, OR a long term relationship then chances are its his attitude, and confidence that needs addressing. Do you think that is really telling them to change who they are?

 

[Anita18]

They should work on their displays of self confidence, and avoiding behaviors that make them look needy. This is self rewarding, and self re-enforcing.

There are two kinds of self. Interests, accomplishments achievements, goals, knowledge that sort of thing. Then there is the personal attitude, and confidence or lack of, which strongly effects how socially someone interacts with others.

Nobody is saying that these guys should pretend to have different interest, goals, or anything like that. Doing so or making up fake accomplishments, income levels etc... Anybody knows that is a set up for failure.

If a guy is having a lot of failure in finding a female partner, for anything weather it be just sex, OR a long term relationship then chances are its his attitude, and confidence that needs addressing. Do you think that is really telling them to change who they are?

This is like politics - we essentially agree, but we adamantly disagree about how to get there.

Yes, working on self-confidence is never a bad thing when it comes to meeting girls. But you mentioned that people should get be less boring and in my view that advocated not being truly who you are. You can most certainly be confident in your boringness. That isn't necessarily unattractive. Off-putting to most, but find the right person, and you're golden.

And don't even get me started on copying and pasting messages to send to girls that are essentially written by someone else.

The ingredients are self-confidence and a willingness to meet people. The rest is up to you.

 

[SuperMike335!!]

This is like politics - we essentially agree, but we adamantly disagree about how to get there.

Yes, working on self-confidence is never a bad thing when it comes to meeting girls. But you mentioned that people should get be less boring and in my view that advocated not being truly who you are. You can most certainly be confident in your boringness. That isn't necessarily unattractive. Off-putting to most, but find the right person, and you're golden.

And don't even get me started on copying and pasting messages to send to girls that are essentially written by someone else.

The ingredients are self-confidence and a willingness to meet people. The rest is up to you.

You know very well those openers are just supposed to grab attention and stand out as different than the other ones she tends to get, not convey a deep sense of who they are as a person, and that beyond the initial response of a word game, as fun way to get to know a few more things about her, then rest of the conversation is, as you put it up to them.

If they don’t get success with those openers, so what, who cares? They didn't lose anything. They can send out a dozen of each or they can custom tailor them, or make up their own on similar lines, and only use mine as examples. Or they can ignore my post and do what they always do and get the same result they always get.

They should not take what they are sending as a cold call e-mail out to a girl they never met before too seriously. Having a few stock openers in a word file to cut and paste is an easy way for them to send out a bunch of e-mails, allowing for a higher number of replies, and allowing for a greater chance to find whatever they are looking for.

Nobody said they have to use mine and cannot come up with one of their own, I said than "can" use mine.

The whole point is to send something less common than "hey I read your profile and I think we have a lot in common, wanna chat?!?"

 

[Erzengel]

I think I mentioned once about most not all girls not really into unassertive guys who look down and stare at their hands and Anita said she was one of those girls who did.

I'm a semi confident person, who really doesn't have trouble talking to anyone. Quick sidenote, I always found it easier talking to women.

We all have the same goal, but different avenues on how to get there. Anita, myself, Supermike, SB. I think the thought is there are many different ways and we all are giving our own advice based on our own experiences and what was successful.

 

[Anita18]

If they don’t get success with those openers, so what, who cares? They didn't lose anything. They can send out a dozen of each or they can custom tailor them, or make up their own on similar lines, and only use mine as examples. Or they can ignore my post and do what they always do and get the same result they always get.

Well most of these guys on here are just starting to use dating sites, so they wouldn't know what "the same result they always get" would be. The way you word things, you're hawking your advice like an infomercial, saying that your way is the right way even though I (and my bf) tried a different avenue and essentially got to the same endpoint you did.

There are always different ways of doing things. You just have to choose one that jives with your personality, not think that you HAVE to do things one way to get the result you want.

The whole point is to send something less common than "hey I read your profile and I think we have a lot in common, wanna chat?!?"

I dunno, I think that works, but in different wording. "I think we have a lot in common" says nothing about you. Why are you telling me we have a lot in common? Prove it to me, and I can determine that for myself too.

Also, just saying as a woman who spent a lot of time on dating sites, I got more stock "fun (stupid) questions" that were really all the same, and copied/pasted openers from guys who obviously did not read my profile that carefully than guys who ya know, said something witty about something I wrote on my profile. The last kind were the ones I didn't immediately delete from my inbox and got my attention.

Who knows, maybe the women you attracted with those stock messages were desperate too and were relieved to get a guy who knew how to spell.

I think I mentioned once about most not all girls not really into unassertive guys who look down and stare at their hands and Anita said she was one of those girls who did.

I'm a semi confident person, who really doesn't have trouble talking to anyone. Quick sidenote, I always found it easier talking to women.

We all have the same goal, but different avenues on how to get there. Anita, myself, Supermike, SB. I think the thought is there are many different ways and we all are giving our own advice based on our own experiences and what was successful.

But see, that doesn't necessarily make you unconfident in everything you do, just shy. And I think shyness is cute. Guys with low self-confidence in everything they do is unattractive. It gets tiring trying to motivate someone who's convinced they suck at everything.

 

[Erzengel]

But see, that doesn't necessarily make you unconfident in everything you do, just shy. And I think shyness is cute. Guys with low self-confidence in everything they do is unattractive. It gets tiring trying to motivate someone who's convinced they suck at everything.

Not in everything but socially, to a lot of women out there, assertiveness is more appealing than someone who's shy.

 

[Optimus_Prime_]

I think I mentioned once about most not all girls not really into unassertive guys who look down and stare at their hands and Anita said she was one of those girls who did.

I'm a semi confident person, who really doesn't have trouble talking to anyone. Quick sidenote, I always found it easier talking to women.

We all have the same goal, but different avenues on how to get there. Anita, myself, Supermike, SB. I think the thought is there are many different ways and we all are giving our own advice based on our own experiences and what was successful.

There is a point to here to, like you say you find it easier to talk to women. I find women easier as well. Don't know why, I think I'm better than most guys and often can't relate to them as well. I feel more equal to women. Like I can play with them easier. No one can really say how to think confident or think girls aren't a mystery.

 

[Erzengel]

I have more awkward silences with guys even though, more often times than not women don't have any interest or at least in depth knowledge to sports or video games, etc.

 

[SpideyVille]

Even though I had problems approaching girls for most of my life, just from a communication standpoint, I too have found it much easier to talk to and be around girls than I do with guys, which explains why most of the people that I still talk to now are all girls. I can get along with guys if I have to, but I think it just comes down to the fact that I'd rather be around a girl than a guy and it has nothing to do with wanting to hook up with a girl. I just enjoy their company more, unless I'm with a group of them and they're talking about make-up and fashion and stuff like that, but that's only because I'm a guy and can't relate.

 

[SuperMike335!!]

I think I mentioned once about most not all girls not really into unassertive guys who look down and stare at their hands and Anita said she was one of those girls who did.

Yeah, I'm not sure why that is? Its not common, but I do see those dominant type of girls who ussually have a more submissive guy they have with them. Its rare but I've seen it before.

What I suggest to guys is not going to work for them if they want to find the kind of girl who wants to be in charge. If that is what she means by to each their own, cool.

Well most of these guys on here are just starting to use dating sites, so they wouldn't know what "the same result they always get" would be. The way you word things, you're hawking your advice like an infomercial, saying that your way is the right way even though I (and my bf) tried a different avenue and essentially got to the same endpoint you did.

There are always different ways of doing things. You just have to choose one that jives with your personality, not think that you HAVE to do things one way to get the result you want.

I dunno, I think that works, but in different wording. "I think we have a lot in common" says nothing about you. Why are you telling me we have a lot in common? Prove it to me, and I can determine that for myself too.

Also, just saying as a woman who spent a lot of time on dating sites, I got more stock "fun (stupid) questions" that were really all the same, and copied/pasted openers from guys who obviously did not read my profile that carefully than guys who ya know, said something witty about something I wrote on my profile. The last kind were the ones I didn't immediately delete from my inbox and got my attention.

Who knows, maybe the women you attracted with those stock messages were desperate too and were relieved to get a guy who knew how to spell.

Where's that hostility coming from?

 

[twylight]

I have more awkward silences with guys even though, more often times than not women don't have any interest or at least in depth knowledge to sports or video games, etc.

I'm the flip-side of that. I have a harder time talking to women than I do men. It's probably a carry-over form High School, but guys, in general, just don't see as judge-y and catty as females do. As long as I can throw a video/movie/comic reference out there the conversation keeps going. With women...

 

[Angel_Faerie]

We're going on a double date tonight, setting up one of my friends and one of his on a blind date. Any advice to help them get along? I mean, I know if they clash there's not much to be done, but neither party are supremely confident and both of them could use a nice date as a morale boost. And, of course, I want my friend to have a good time. She's had some bad luck with guys and I'd hate for this to be no exception and for her to get pissed at me for setting her up on an awful date.

 

[AndThePickles]

We're going on a double date tonight, setting up one of my friends and one of his on a blind date. Any advice to help them get along? I mean, I know if they clash there's not much to be done, but neither party are supremely confident and both of them could use a nice date as a morale boost. And, of course, I want my friend to have a good time. She's had some bad luck with guys and I'd hate for this to be no exception and for her to get pissed at me for setting her up on an awful date.

I would actually advise NOT helping them to avoid any awkward moments. It would likely end up being blatant, and attraction/even basic "getting along" can't be forced.

What you CAN do is make sure that there's a conversation going between everyone there. Keep it group friendly so that no one feels left out.

 

[Angel_Faerie]

I would actually advise NOT helping them to avoid any awkward moments. It would likely end up being blatant, and attraction/even basic "getting along" can't be forced.

What you CAN do is make sure that there's a conversation going between everyone there. Keep it group friendly so that no one feels left out.

That sounds about right. I just really hope things go well for them, partially because my butt's on the fire with this. If this goes bad, I might be blamed because this entire thing was my idea

 

[steintym]

Tell her to get that first kiss out of the way quick!


Seriously, I wouldn't force much. Just hang out, the four of you, and see if they have any chemistry.

 

[AndThePickles]

That sounds about right. I just really hope things go well for them, partially because my butt's on the fire with this. If this goes bad, I might be blamed because this entire thing was my idea

Pssh, at least you hooked her up with a date!

 

[Erzengel]

Yeah, I'm not sure why that is? Its not common, but I do see those dominant type of girls who ussually have a more submissive guy they have with them. Its rare but I've seen it before.

What I suggest to guys is not going to work for them if they want to find the kind of girl who wants to be in charge. If that is what she means by to each their own, cool.

I don't see Anita as dominant at all. The guy she's with now, they both seem to have the same type of personality. Quiet and shy. She's mentioned there's silence in their relationships and it's not awkward.

It's just a type of relationship where 2 similar people have found each other.

I'm really to gather that a very open, and in your face type of girl would probably be a turn off for him.

 

[Angel_Faerie]

Tell her to get that first kiss out of the way quick!


Seriously, I wouldn't force much. Just hang out, the four of you, and see if they have any chemistry.

hahaha I see what you did there.

This is the second time I've tried to do something like this. The first time was actually his and my first date. We went to a Halloween party, I brought my BFF (not the same girl as tonight), and he brought a close pal of his (not the same guy as tonight) and it was a double date. They didn't click and he's off perusing another girl now. Which is kind of a bummer because my BFF did so good that night. Usually when she gets around guys she turns into a shy, giggling, babbling mess, which is the total opposite of who she normally is. But that night she was confident. Probably helped she was wearing a costume that covered her entire body and face.

Pssh, at least you hooked her up with a date!

Good point. And his friend seems like a decent enough guy, unlike the jerks she usually tries to pursue. She always ends up hurt and I always have to comfort her and feel so bad that guys can be so mean to girls sometimes.

 

[Optimus_Prime_]

Yeah, I'm not sure why that is? Its not common, but I do see those dominant type of girls who ussually have a more submissive guy they have with them. Its rare but I've seen it before.

I have this theory that in some way this is an illusion. I believe relationships can go on for a variety of reasons, and I also believe "love" is a fairly fluid concept. I think at some point in time the man always has to demonstrate some confidence and or assertiveness. This might not be "natural" for them or may not be how people typically perceive his behavior, but in some way the woman picked up on this.

The brain really is a processor, and its incapable of sensing the process by which our conscious thoughts come into being. Its true! Your brain creates thoughts before your consciously aware. Your inner monologue is just a playback of something your brain already decided. That says a lot about the human condition.

So when you notice a mate it's impossible to know why. You just did. Even though this may be a glimmer of an instant that's when I think that connection is made. I think the connection is weak though, but the human brain interprets it like an overpowering sense of hunger even though it doesn't need to. Peoples minds seek to justify those sensations, even though reality may be at odds with it.

I think for the unassertive males its a game of right place/right time. Everyone has their moments so to speak. If that becomes the constant in your personality then things start to click.