The Relationship Thread: Because Superhero Forums are Full of Sexperts! - - - - - - - - Part 27

[PacificBoy]

That will make no sense to anyone now cause I edited my post, but yeah...

The least I can do is make HIM make the effort. Make HIM do the initiating.

TBH, the sex will probably be better for me because of it.

And if he doesn't wanna do that, he can just have me over as a friend.

And I think he needs that nudge. I mentioned before I could relate to him somewhat (even his history of girlfriends leaving him is eerily similar), and if he's anything like me temperament/personality wise, then yeah, he NEEDS a nudge!

 

[hopefuldreamer]

And I think he needs that nudge. I mentioned before I could relate to him somewhat (even his history of girlfriends leaving him is eerily similar), and if he's anything like me temperament/personality wise, then yeah, he NEEDS a nudge!

I'm just... I'm so crap at confrontation of any kind. I'm so crap at being honest, especially if it makes me vulnerable.

I am a good wordsmith, so most of the time, even when i'm being 'honest' I am twisting the words for minimum damage... Sugar coating, down playing... I'm always really careful it comes across in exactly the right way.

I wish I could just come out and say 'So that whole thing about us being 'friends with a connection' and not wanting to be exclusive? Yeah that been bugging me a lot since you said it. If you want me, I need a bit more than that. And if not, then we should just go back to being friends'.

But I can't.

I think even if I tried, i'd start out like that and then the wording would change to something more vague and less direct

 

[PacificBoy]

I'm just... I'm so crap at confrontation of any kind. I'm so crap at being honest, especially if it makes me vulnerable.

I am a good wordsmith, so most of the time, even when i'm being 'honest' I am twisting the words for minimum damage... Sugar coating, down playing... I'm always really careful it comes across in exactly the right way.

I wish I could just come out and say 'So that whole thing about us being 'friends with a connection' and not wanting to be exclusive? Yeah that been bugging me a lot since you said it. If you want me, I need a bit more than that. And if not, then we should just go back to being friends'.

But I can't.

I think even if I tried, i'd start out like that and then the wording would change to something more vague and less direct

He's Portuguese right? I think you can afford to be more plain speaking since English isn't his first lang. A slight jot to his system might be a good thing for him (and for you by extension).

 

[the last son]

Dreamer when are we going out?

 

[ShadowBoxer]

Dreamer is a girl?!! This whole time I thought dreamer was a gay dude LOL. No offense dreamer. But I am glad there are more girls here than I thought. But I am sure this site is still largely comprised of dudes.

 

[the last son]

Dreamer is kind of hot lol

 

[the last son]

I wish Anita would hook me up with Dreamer lol

 

[Anita18]

I'm just... I'm so crap at confrontation of any kind. I'm so crap at being honest, especially if it makes me vulnerable.

I am a good wordsmith, so most of the time, even when i'm being 'honest' I am twisting the words for minimum damage... Sugar coating, down playing... I'm always really careful it comes across in exactly the right way.

I wish I could just come out and say 'So that whole thing about us being 'friends with a connection' and not wanting to be exclusive? Yeah that been bugging me a lot since you said it. If you want me, I need a bit more than that. And if not, then we should just go back to being friends'.

But I can't.

I think even if I tried, i'd start out like that and then the wording would change to something more vague and less direct

Is it because you're afraid you'll upset people, or that you'll get an answer you won't like?

Honesty is usually the best policy because the people you care about deserve the real you. And you deserve to have people around you who know the real you.

That and, it's effin' exhausting having to act a part when you're around someone. I don't get where y'all have the energy to do that.

 

[Anita18]

I wish Anita would hook me up with Dreamer lol

She's here, you could ask her yourself.

Also, not sure if you've read posts carefully, but she's also in the UK.

 

[the last son]

I know, but a little good word wouldn't help when I think she's intrigued by me too

 

[Anita18]

I know, but a little good word wouldn't help when I think she's intrigued by me too

We can all read your posts here, bub.

 

[the last son]

what's funny is the girl I like I've been arguing with daily and the second girl I've been hanging with. Second girl I'm starting to fall for even though she's not as attractive. She's wearing me down

 

[Erzengel]

So the second girl is the girl you slept with but told you liked someone else whom you now are arguing with and now you want the second girl? All this within a week?

 

[the last son]

Yes.

 

[Erzengel]

So you've went out twice and just texted/talked on the phone a bunch again in what a 2 - 3 week period and you already falling for her? Not to mention you told her you like someone else better. Maybe you just like being pursued?

Have you already slept with the first girl?

 

[ShadowBoxer]

Well things maybe looking up for me. I got past the model chick who tried to sleep with me but she isn't as friendly as she was before. So I am kinda dealing with the woman scorn thing but I think we'll still be cool once she fully cools down lol. I went to a friends wedding this past weekend, and ran into my old crush the one I told you all about a few months ago, the one I met at my church through a mutal friend. She's been over in other state visiting family for the past few months but she's back now.

We really didn't get a chance talk to much but I noticed she had her eyes on me for much of the wedding reception. I just been afraid to ask her out because I don't want it to be weird. Besides, she's awesome and there are lots of dudes chasing her as well, some better than me. I don't know I can't stop thinking about her though, she's beautiful, funny, smart, and just all around cool. Holy crap am I really falling for this girl???!! Like the L word???

 

[hopefuldreamer]

Scenario.

Guy who is one of my best friends friends. Me and him have a mutual love of awful movies and have watched a lot with her in the room, but she doesnt really get them so we kept trying to make a date to watch Sharknado 2.

Tonight, finally managed to organise it. Invited him round, did think it might be a bit awkward just the two of us but thought i'd give it a go.

Came round, chatted openly about work and people we like and ****, and thought it was all going well. Drank a bit, watched the film, laughed loads, then made paper aeroplanes and fell apart in stitches at his awful one.

Decided to watch another movie, stuck it on and he kept shifting until I was basically cuddled up next to him and he had his arm around me.

Thought to myself that the best thing to do here was to just fall asleep fairly late so didn't think it would seem unreasonable, both had work in the morning. Do start thinking this is a bit odd when he's stroking my arm as I fall asleep.

Wake up with him shifting a bit. Make a little waking up noise and he says 'Hmmm, feeling a bit restless, might go now'.

So I make another sleepy noise, half wake up and say 'yeah, i'm tired, gonna go to bed I think' and move up onto my bed after giving him a hug goodbye.

I then am pretending to have fallen back to sleep, but I can feel him still there watching me. He eventually starts shifting about, and then clears his throat and says 'Yeah, just feeling really restless'.

Sensing that he's not just going to leave and get the hint, I rouse slightly, and I say 'Yeah, probably best to go home now, sorry'.

Now this is a guy i've told my entire situation too. So I say to him, 'look, i'm sorry, it's just gotta be over first.... I don't do two things at once.'

He says 'yeah, that's okay, I get it. I just have to leave now cause TBH i'm just really horny'.

I apologise and just say 'yeah, I just have to end it first'... and then he still doesn't make much of a move to go... so I literally have to jump out of bed, grab open my front door and say 'yeah, I think you have to go, cause I don't wanna be a *****', and he does and I give him an awkward hug.


Question = Am I the *****?

 

[Anita18]

I can feel him still there watching me. He eventually starts shifting about, and then clears his throat and says 'Yeah, just feeling really restless'.

Sensing that he's not just going to leave and get the hint, I rouse slightly, and I say 'Yeah, probably best to go home now, sorry'.

Now this is a guy i've told my entire situation too. So I say to him, 'look, i'm sorry, it's just gotta be over first.... I don't do two things at once.'

He says 'yeah, that's okay, I get it. I just have to leave now cause TBH i'm just really horny'.

I apologise and just say 'yeah, I just have to end it first'... and then he still doesn't make much of a move to go... so I literally have to jump out of bed, grab open my front door and say 'yeah, I think you have to go, cause I don't wanna be a *****', and he does and I give him an awkward hug.


Question = Am I the *****?

Question: Did you actually want to sleep with him and didn't want to ask?

Either way, you aren't a b****. You don't owe anyone sex even if you cuddle with them or stay over or they stare at you like they want sex or whatever.

It just got awkward cause nobody asked explicitly, but seriously, I know you've been in situations where there was dubious consent. Just wanted to let you know that much. You don't owe anyone anything and you aren't a b**** for not going along with whatever he had in mind.

 

[hopefuldreamer]

Dreamer when are we going out?

Dreamer is kind of hot lol

I wish Anita would hook me up with Dreamer lol

I know, but a little good word wouldn't help when I think she's intrigued by me too

You have got to stop posting drunk!

Dreamer is a girl?!! This whole time I thought dreamer was a gay dude LOL. No offense dreamer. But I am glad there are more girls here than I thought. But I am sure this site is still largely comprised of dudes.

That's awesome.

Yeah, there aren't that many female posters I guess, been getting the guy assumption the whole time i've been a member... but never in here

I think me mentioning things like my boobs might be a give away most of the time but maybe you haven't seen those posts

Is it because you're afraid you'll upset people, or that you'll get an answer you won't like?

Both.

Honesty is usually the best policy because the people you care about deserve the real you. And you deserve to have people around you who know the real you.

That and, it's effin' exhausting having to act a part when you're around someone. I don't get where y'all have the energy to do that.

Well this is the thing... it's not acting exactly. It's still me... it's just semantics. It's very very careful semantics. It's not like anything I say is a lie... it's just carefully worded so that it can't possibly lead to the other person having a bad reaction.

It's very very hard to explain it without giving an exact example...

Well things maybe looking up for me. I got past the model chick who tried to sleep with me but she isn't as friendly as she was before. So I am kinda dealing with the woman scorn thing but I think we'll still be cool once she fully cools down lol. I went to a friends wedding this past weekend, and ran into my old crush the one I told you all about a few months ago, the one I met at my church through a mutal friend. She's been over in other state visiting family for the past few months but she's back now.

We really didn't get a chance talk to much but I noticed she had her eyes on me for much of the wedding reception. I just been afraid to ask her out because I don't want it to be weird. Besides, she's awesome and there are lots of dudes chasing her as well, some better than me. I don't know I can't stop thinking about her though, she's beautiful, funny, smart, and just all around cool. Holy crap am I really falling for this girl???!! Like the L word???

I used to be someone who would get so damn defensive if someone questioned whether or not my unrequited feelings where still love.

I'd tell them they had no idea how I felt, and I was absolutely in love.

But honestly, as i've gotten a bit of perspective, I have begun to accept that it wasn't love. It was infatuation.

What Anita and her hubbie have is love... as well as plenty of other people. But really really liking someone and having feelings for them... it's not love.

It just means you really like them

 

[Erzengel]

No.

He was expecting sex. Giving awful big hints about it.

You tried to be nice. It didn't work, so you did what you had to do.

Don't even second guess yourself.

 

[hopefuldreamer]

Question: Did you actually want to sleep with him and didn't want to ask?.

TBH, I don't even know...

I mean, there's a part of me still in my old mind set... which is the mind set of 'OMG take any interest you can get and nurture it cause it might be the only chance you get at sex for ages'.

Do I find him sexy? No. Do I think he is sweet and a nice guy and kind of find the fact that he didn't used to like me but now is developing a thing for me flattering? Definitely.

Do I wanna sleep with him?

Pfft... I really don't even know how to answer that any more.

The old Becky is still in there, and she's the one that kind of wants to say yes, not because she actually fancies the person or wants to be with them... but because it strokes her sexual ego to have landed another guy who initially wasn't interested but has come around to Becky being sexy...

And yet... there's one thing he said before he left.

I was saying 'I need to end it first, sorry'.

And he got in 'Well don't end it for me'.

To which my reply was obviously 'No, that's not what I meant'...

... But basically what that means is 'I just want to **** you, don't want to go out with you.'

So WHY does that old Becky even think it IS an ego stroke... it's ACTUALLY the opposite. It would have just contributed to BAD self esteem.

Seriously... so confused

Either way, you aren't a b****. You don't owe anyone sex even if you cuddle with them or stay over or they stare at you like they want sex or whatever.

It just got awkward cause nobody asked explicitly, but seriously, I know you've been in situations where there was dubious consent. Just wanted to let you know that much. You don't owe anyone anything and you aren't a b**** for not going along with whatever he had in mind.

Yeah I know, I just worry sometimes that my inability to just be direct leads to people feeling like I gave them the wrong impression.

... But then, how do you go about it exactly. Do you just greet them with 'BTW, yes we're a male and female hanging out alone, but just wanna say before you walk in - i'm not going to sleep with you'.

 

[Anita18]

what's funny is the girl I like I've been arguing with daily and the second girl I've been hanging with. Second girl I'm starting to fall for even though she's not as attractive. She's wearing me down

It's only been a few weeks. Slow down there, and figure out what you want instead of what's convenient right this second.

Well things maybe looking up for me. I got past the model chick who tried to sleep with me but she isn't as friendly as she was before. So I am kinda dealing with the woman scorn thing but I think we'll still be cool once she fully cools down lol. I went to a friends wedding this past weekend, and ran into my old crush the one I told you all about a few months ago, the one I met at my church through a mutal friend. She's been over in other state visiting family for the past few months but she's back now.

We really didn't get a chance talk to much but I noticed she had her eyes on me for much of the wedding reception. I just been afraid to ask her out because I don't want it to be weird. Besides, she's awesome and there are lots of dudes chasing her as well, some better than me. I don't know I can't stop thinking about her though, she's beautiful, funny, smart, and just all around cool. Holy crap am I really falling for this girl???!! Like the L word???

There's no "better than you" talk in a healthy relationship. That's assuming you can assign a numeric value to a person by what they're like on paper, and you can't. So stop that thinking right now.

Only you can say how you feel, but it sounds mostly like infatuation. Love is a deeper thing, at least I think so. (I've felt both, but not for the same person!) Infatuation mostly means you want to be around her all the time, but love is having the security that you can set her free and she will still come back to you.

But you should go for it and see if it develops into something more. Won't know unless you try!

 

[hopefuldreamer]

No.

He was expecting sex. Giving awful big hints about it.

You tried to be nice. It didn't work, so you did what you had to do.

Don't even second guess yourself.

But is it wrong to invite a guy round just the two of you, drink with him and then cuddle up with him in your bed...?

 

[Hobgoblin]

I was on a date today with a woman I slept with two weeks ago. It was an impromptu date two weeks ago and neither of us expected to have sex. It was frustrating because my anti depressant kept me from finishing last time.

So today she and I went to a movie and while we were there she whispered that she wanted to have sex. We went back to her apartment and started making out. I was doing something for her and she had me stop because she couldn't feel anything. She said she was tired and was going to get some rest. (She had helped a friend move yesterday. ) Then she wondered if we were compatible. She wanted to think about it. I quietly decided to leave.

I dont mean to whine, I'm just frustrated. If she feels we are incompatible, that's it.

 

[Anita18]

Well this is the thing... it's not acting exactly. It's still me... it's just semantics. It's very very careful semantics. It's not like anything I say is a lie... it's just carefully worded so that it can't possibly lead to the other person having a bad reaction.

It's very very hard to explain it without giving an exact example...

Hmm, I think I see what you mean. You're only like this about situations where you're kinda so-so on. I DO hope you have the fortitude to put your foot down about a situation that you really don't like!

But it's also like...you're denying yourself what you really want, but not asking for it directly.

No.

He was expecting sex. Giving awful big hints about it.

You tried to be nice. It didn't work, so you did what you had to do.

Don't even second guess yourself.

Do I wanna sleep with him?

Pfft... I really don't even know how to answer that any more.

The old Becky is still in there, and she's the one that kind of wants to say yes, not because she actually fancies the person or wants to be with them... but because it strokes her sexual ego to have landed another guy who initially wasn't interested but has come around to Becky being sexy...

And yet... there's one thing he said before he left.

I was saying 'I need to end it first, sorry'.

And he got in 'Well don't end it for me'.

To which my reply was obviously 'No, that's not what I meant'...

... But basically what that means is 'I just want to **** you, don't want to go out with you.'

So WHY does that old Becky even think it IS an ego stroke... it's ACTUALLY the opposite. It would have just contributed to BAD self esteem.

Seriously... so confused

Well, sex doesn't have to be for validation, but it sounds like you used it that way for ages, so yeah, it probably isn't a good idea to continue down that path for you.

But knowing you have to change your mindset and actually doing it, are completely different things. It's hard!

Yeah I know, I just worry sometimes that my inability to just be direct leads to people feeling like I gave them the wrong impression.

... But then, how do you go about it exactly. Do you just greet them with 'BTW, yes we're a male and female hanging out alone, but just wanna say before you walk in - i'm not going to sleep with you'.

To be honest, I think guys think of me as asexual because I was raised not to be touchy feely at all. Sure, I hug people hello and goodbye like women usually do, but I don't otherwise get physically close or touch them. I've only cuddled with and kissed two people, because that's how many boyfriends I've had in my life. I've only had sex with one, the only one who was direct enough to tell me exactly what he wanted and was brave enough to ask for it.

That's why guys think I'm asexual and don't come on to me, because I don't give them an opening where they can be smooth about it, and maybe I come off like I don't like to be touched?

For you, you seem to be extremely touchy feely and cuddle with people you don't consider your boyfriends. And that's all fine, but you ARE going to get guys who get the wrong idea. (Hell, some guys can get the wrong idea even when women look at them!) So there's gonna be awkward situations, inevitably. You just need to put your foot down and say, "Sorry, not going there." You don't owe anyone sex because they want some.