The Relationship Thread: Because Superhero Forums are Full of Sexperts! - - Part 31

[Enriquespy]

So, 3? Yes, omg, 3 years ago I finally went on a date with a nice gal that was very clearly interested in me (My first real date ever!!!). We went to a place for lunch and the date went, I think, well. We both mentioned interest in seeing each other again.

A few days later I mentioned the possibility to going to a gallery in the city and she seemed interested, but it felt too pushy for me to try and settle a date and a time. The I let a few weeks pass, mostly to don't look like In was applying too much pressure. Then we exchanged a couple text messages, then I let a few months pass before I text again and she stopped responding.

Eventually something similar happened. I met a girl I liked, she shows signs of interest and I slowed down and cowered back a bit in my interactions with her, now I'm just a friend.

I think I'm self sabotaging a bit, and also, that I'm too used to think that me pursuing or showing clear interest is wrong due to it historically leading to rejection. So I go back to "not bothering" someone if I like them even if they seem to like me back.

I dialed my socialization back, to the point I dont even know how to show initial interest other than a merely friendly one. I'm not sure how to act in the correctly assertive way when I meet someone that I like, so I act too safely.
Anywat
I'm not sure I'm seeking advice as much as I'm just venting.

 

[InCali]

Does everyone’s parents freak out when they hear their kid is going to propose to their significant other (that they have been in a relationship with and lived with for years) or is that just largely something we queer people have to unfortunately contend with?

I don't think there's a single reaction....it just depends. I can believe that parents of gay children might have something of freak moment, but they just need to get over it. One of my wife's closest friends is very "liberal", but when her daughter came out, she didn't want anyone to know. LOL Her daughter is about 28, is now in a serious relationship, and now her mother has, I guess, had time to get over herself.

Ultimately, unless parents are real freaking weirdos, it's not a long term issue. A very, very close friend of mine got married just about as soon as he was legally allowed to (actually asked me to be best man ) and there was no hand wringing or anything like that from his family. Of course, he had come out to them shortly after we discussed his sexuality decades ago so maybe that had something to do with it????

Anyway, people need to live their lives in a way that brings them joy. If others have issues with that, It's their issue......not ours.

 

[Babillygunn]

So, 3? Yes, omg, 3 years ago I finally went on a date with a nice gal that was very clearly interested in me (My first real date ever!!!). We went to a place for lunch and the date went, I think, well. We both mentioned interest in seeing each other again.

A few days later I mentioned the possibility to going to a gallery in the city and she seemed interested, but it felt too pushy for me to try and settle a date and a time. The I let a few weeks pass, mostly to don't look like In was applying too much pressure. Then we exchanged a couple text messages, then I let a few months pass before I text again and she stopped responding.

Eventually something similar happened. I met a girl I liked, she shows signs of interest and I slowed down and cowered back a bit in my interactions with her, now I'm just a friend.

I think I'm self sabotaging a bit, and also, that I'm too used to think that me pursuing or showing clear interest is wrong due to it historically leading to rejection. So I go back to "not bothering" someone if I like them even if they seem to like me back.

I dialed my socialization back, to the point I dont even know how to show initial interest other than a merely friendly one. I'm not sure how to act in the correctly assertive way when I meet someone that I like, so I act too safely.
Anywat
I'm not sure I'm seeking advice as much as I'm just venting.

Sounds like you might be overthinking things a bit. If you like somebody, just ask them if they want to go spend time together. Don’t put overdue pressure on yourself or the other person with putting labels of whether something is a date or not.

Also, it sounds like you struggle with confidence. Maybe try to invest some time into yourself to get to know your good qualities better. I’m sure that there’s a lot about you that is really great and you should own that. Instead, we can tend to be our own worst critics. The biggest thing that hampers people from putting themselves out there is a fear of rejection. But in reality, rejection is usually the product of a lack of common interest, a lack of chemistry and/or just the lack of a spark. That’s not rejection of you, that’s just a realization that it won’t probably work out, ultimately.

I have two teenage boys. My advice to them is always go slow, don’t ever get down on yourself, always show respect for others of the opposite sex, and to remember that in all likelihood, they will probably date several girls and their earliest relationships won’t work out. They’ll have several breakups and heartbreaks and make tons of mistakes before they meet the one. Just enjoy the ride at that point but don’t presume that whoever they are dating (especially early on) is eventually going to be their spouse.

 

[Cap2024]

I don't think there's a single reaction....it just depends. I can believe that parents of gay children might have something of freak moment, but they just need to get over it. One of my wife's closest friends is very "liberal", but when her daughter came out, she didn't want anyone to know. LOL Her daughter is about 28, is now in a serious relationship, and now her mother has, I guess, had time to get over herself.

Ultimately, unless parents are real freaking weirdos, it's not a long term issue. A very, very close friend of mine got married just about as soon as he was legally allowed to (actually asked me to be best man ) and there was no hand wringing or anything like that from his family. Of course, he had come out to them shortly after we discussed his sexuality decades ago so maybe that had something to do with it????

Anyway, people need to live their lives in a way that brings them joy. If others have issues with that, It's their issue......not ours.

Thanks for the support!

 

[theastsunnn]

How can I stop avoiding conflict? Like I’m the worst so I need to start from the beginning

 

[Babillygunn]

How can I stop avoiding conflict? Like I’m the worst so I need to start from the beginning

Sometimes avoiding conflict can be good, so long as you aren’t harboring resentment. If you can let things go and not perceive things as personal sleights, but understand them in the manner they are intended, or recognize why your partner says or does what they do, then conflict can often be unnecessary.

 

[theastsunnn]

Sometimes avoiding conflict can be good, so long as you aren’t harboring resentment. If you can let things go and not perceive things as personal sleights, but understand them in the manner they are intended, or recognize why your partner says or does what they do, then conflict can often be unnecessary.

What about with strangers in life

 

[InCali]

What about with strangers in life

I almost didn't respond to this, but if you often find yourself in conflict with strangers, you probably have to look in the mirror. It's one thing to work through issues with someone in a personal relationship, but it's an entirely different thing to commonly have conflict with random people. Occasionally, I'll run across people who are difficult for, apparently, something that has nothing to do with me, but it's very, very rare.

The bottom line is that most people aren't looking for conflict with people they don't know. I've said this more times than I can remember and maybe it's because I was a fledgling shrink and it ends up that I married a therapist, but if you are experiencing conflict with a wide variety of people, it's most likely you. You might consider talking to a professional who is skilled in interpersonal relationships.

What I'm saying isn't meant to belittle you. We all have our weak points. The important thing is to recognize them and work towards resolving them.

 

[theastsunnn]

I almost didn't respond to this, but if you often find yourself in conflict with strangers, you probably have to look in the mirror. It's one thing to work through issues with someone in a personal relationship, but it's an entirely different thing to commonly have conflict with random people. Occasionally, I'll run across people who are difficult for, apparently, something that has nothing to do with me, but it's very, very rare.

The bottom line is that most people aren't looking for conflict with people they don't know. I've said this more times than I can remember and maybe it's because I was a fledgling shrink and it ends up that I married a therapist, but if you are experiencing conflict with a wide variety of people, it's most likely you. You might consider talking to a professional who is skilled in interpersonal relationships.

What I'm saying isn't meant to belittle you. We all have our weak points. The important thing is to recognize them and work towards resolving them.

Not often but last week a guy asked me to go above and beyond at my job and I did when I shouldn’t have because I’m afraid of conflict. A woman last week did the same. A coworker took advantage of me and had me do some of his work. I don’t know how to stand up for myself. And yes it’s my problem, I’m asking how can I stop this

 

[Erzengel]

Lie. Tell him, oh, so and so asked me to do something and walk away,

Of course, it can bite you in the ass. So you either are honest up front or come clean later.

 

[InCali]

Not often but last week a guy asked me to go above and beyond at my job and I did when I shouldn’t have because I’m afraid of conflict. A woman last week did the same. A coworker took advantage of me and had me do some of his work. I don’t know how to stand up for myself. And yes it’s my problem, I’m asking how can I stop this

Ah.....that. It's pretty simple IF you don't want to do it. Just say that you're busy right now, but you'd be okay with doing it when/if you get a chance. If you really don't want to help out, just say "I'm really busy and I don't think I'll be able to get to it".

Here's what I will say. To me anyway, life isn't a ledger. I don't mind going out of my way for people. Even complete and utter strangers. I've seen people in obvious need and usually stop to help out if I can. I actually like to do that. I've even met people when I'm walking my dogs, got to talking with them, and given advice or help.

As far as co-workers go, my current specialty is network engineering and in that line of work, you come across problems all the time. Sometimes it's good to have another set of eyes on things and I've often asked for, and given, help. This certainly isn't part of our job description, but we're all happy to pitch in and help when necessary.

 

[MissMarvelous]

I have a new question

What's the most romantic -or thoughtful- thing someone ever did for you?

 

[Erzengel]

I have a new question

What's the most romantic -or thoughtful- thing someone ever did for you?

I dunno why this was the first thing that popped in my head but my wife has admired a specific watch for a while and then she got me the male version of it. She never purchased the one she wanted.

 

[hopefuldreamer]

I have a new question

What's the most romantic -or thoughtful- thing someone ever did for you?

This might sound dumb... but hey

Recently I was lying on the couch with my feet up after a long day and realised I needed a tissue. I was so tired, I REALLY didn't want to get up back up. I said out loud 'Ugh why are there never any tissues nearby when you need them!'

My fiance swiftly got up and started searching our drawers for packets of tissues. I immediately said 'Oh don't worry babe, it's not your job to get me tissues, I'll get up'.

He just turned around, smiled in a way that said 'Yes it is'. Then he continued the hunt for tissues.

When he finally handed me the tissues and gave me a quick kiss, I was crying and needed them even more

He's not a traditionally romantic guy. He's never bought me a bunch of flowers for example. Doesn't get valentines day. We are 10 years in and he still gets a bit shy around saying 'I Love You'.

But it's those moments I value way more

 

[MissMarvelous]

Thank you for sharing, @Erzengel and @hopefuldreamer

There's something in my eye... now, I you excuse me...

That's beautiful! And it must feel amazing to feel *that* loved and cared for.

Now, what's the most beautiful thing you ever did for your beloved ones?

 

[InCali]

Thank you for sharing, @Erzengel and @hopefuldreamer

There's something in my eye... now, I you excuse me...

That's beautiful! And it must feel amazing to feel *that* loved and cared for.

Now, what's the most beautiful thing you ever did for your beloved ones?

Those are kind of interesting questions. My first reaction is to be, much to your surprise....I'm sure, glib, but I think I'm going to take another approach. When I read your question(s), I had to think really hard because not a whole lot stood out.

Oh, there were a few things. Many years ago, my wife (to be) and I went to Jamaica for a week and had a stopover in Philadelphia. Earlier that month we were walking around Westwood (we both worked at UCLA) and her eyes (naturally) went to a jewelry store, so we walked in and looked around. She really liked two diamond bracelets and I told her I'd get her one and did. Before our trip ........ (this s a secret to be revealed) ...... we got on our flight and after we landed in Jamaica, she woke up to find the "other" bracelet on her wrist. It took her about 15 minutes to even realize it was there, but when she did, she just started laughing. I had gone back and bought it and snuck it on her wrist while she was sleeping. I've done other S*** like that because I like to do things for people.

But, here's the deal......things like that are, to me, way less important than the mundane things that happen, or should happen, on a daily basis. I would trade every diamond, car, or anything else for a simple act of kindness. I remember one time I couldn't find my keys and my wife alerted our kids and said "Hey, everyone!!! We're on key finding patrol." That's about as cool as it gets.....and, we found my keys.

 

[MissMarvelous]

When I read your question(s), I had to think really hard because not a whole lot stood out.

Explain, please.

Do keep un mind that Spanish is my mother tongue, English is my second language and French, my third. So, things tend to get a little bit messy from time time!

things like that are, to me, way less important than the mundane things that happen, or should happen, on a daily basis

I agree 100% with you here! But it's the fact that you got the bracelets for her that's beautiful... not for it's value, but because you wanted her to have them. That's were you found your happiness (or so I think), in indulging her.

 

[InCali]

Explain, please.

Do keep un mind that Spanish is my mother tongue, English is my second language and French, my third. So, things tend to get a little bit messy from time time!

What I meant was that I'm generally someone who just makes fun of things and often makes a joke rather than be serious.....you may have noticed this.... I like to laugh and make fun of myself.....and others. I thought about your questions and nothing popped into my head because simple acts of kindness are something I try to do whenever the opportunity is available. People are generally nice to me and I like to think I'm generally nice to them.

There was one time I was driving to work really early in the morning and it was dark. I started to veer right on to a street when I saw something in the road. I thought it was a box or something, but wasn't sure so I stopped. Come to find out, it was some homeless guy who was totally passed out in the road. I got out of the car and when I realized it was a person, I, unsuccessfully, tried to wake him up. Eventually I literally had to carry him out of the street, put him on a bus stop bench, pulled a blanket I happened to have in the backseat for my dogs, covered him up, and proceeded to go to work. I was in a suit and tie and there were a few people who were walking by and looked at me like I had 8 heads.....I probably looked at them the same way because I couldn't understand why no one helped him.

Sooooo.....I guess since this is the relationship thread and what I did wasn't romantic, I guess it could be considered thoughtful. Funny thing is that I know he never knew what happened, wasn't going to live much longer, but I think of him sometimes and hope things worked out better for him that I think.

Ahhhhhh......but I digress. Did I clarify things for you? I think your English is quite, quite good, but the language is really hard.

 

[Erzengel]

There's something in my eye... now, I you excuse me...

That's beautiful! And it must feel amazing to feel *that* loved and cared for.

Now, what's the most beautiful thing you ever did for your beloved ones?

I think the easiest answer will be the whole proposal. I took the train into the City (NYC) and took an overnight bag with her belongings and asked the hotel to hang on to it. The next day, we went into the City to see her favorite Opera. We went to dinner (First place we had a "nice" dinner together) and I was wearing her ring around my neck and I inadvertently made a comment that made her reach into my shirt and she cried, was surprised. Obviously said yes, told her we booked in the same hotel that we had dinner.

I didn't want to use that answer just feel it's...I dunno, almost customary for most people to propose? I always think the most beautiful things are the little acts of service that you do for them. "It's snowing out? Let me drive you to work." or Just picking up a coffee for them.

 

[Babillygunn]

Now, what's the most beautiful thing you ever did for your beloved ones?

When we were engaged and living in different cities, I planned to drive back and see my fiance (now wife). We were both saving money for marriage and wedding and basically living on a shoestring. My future wife was actually skipping meals to save money. So for Valentine’s Day, I bought her a loaf of bread, jars of peanut butter and jelly, cheese crackers and a case of juice boxes and brought them to her with a note saying “lunch is on me all this week.” She cried.

 

[MissMarvelous]

She cried.

Oh, me too. Me too.

There are a lot of things we all take for granted, right? Skipping meals that's... hard.

That's a lot of work you both put into that! I hope the wedding was everything you hoped for and more.

 

[Babillygunn]

Oh, me too. Me too.

There are a lot of things we all take for granted, right? Skipping meals that's... hard.

That's a lot of work you both put into that! I hope the wedding was everything you hoped for and more.

It was a good wedding. But we were both finishing grad school so we were crazy poor to start off our marriage!
But we had some really fun times back then.

 

[theastsunnn]

I’m in my first long relationship just over a year. What m I’m struggling with is we share not much in common, so she wants to spend more time and so I wind up doing a lot of ways I don’t want to spend my weekend. I guess that’s the work in a relationship giving some of you to please your partner. I just wish both of our time was spent doing more of what we both enjoy instead of when we spend time together o have to give up a day of doing any of my hobbies. I know for a fact the grass isn’t greener as I’m in my mid 30s and don’t feel like dating again. Guess I’m just stressed.

 

[DA_Champion]

I have a new question

What's the most romantic -or thoughtful- thing someone ever did for you?

What comes to mind is my wife helped me dress and groom for some job interviews. She bought nice clothes within our budget with thoughtful colour schemes.

When we first started dating, a few weeks in, she wrote me a letter listing twenty things she liked about me.

 

[DA_Champion]

I’m in my first long relationship just over a year. What m I’m struggling with is we share not much in common, so she wants to spend more time and so I wind up doing a lot of ways I don’t want to spend my weekend. I guess that’s the work in a relationship giving some of you to please your partner. I just wish both of our time was spent doing more of what we both enjoy instead of when we spend time together o have to give up a day of doing any of my hobbies. I know for a fact the grass isn’t greener as I’m in my mid 30s and don’t feel like dating again. Guess I’m just stressed.

There's nothing wrong with you needing a bit of time just for yourself. You're also used to being by yourself, so the extra mental effort of being with someone might be exhausting.

Do your best to communicate that, that you want both time by yourself and time as a couple. And it's ok if it takes you time to figure out how to communicate it.