The Relationship Thread: Because Superhero Forums are Full of Sexperts! - - - - - - - - Part 27

[Alex_Spider]

Also get more confidence. That's the number one thing holding back guys like you, etm and Nell. It's not your looks, job or anything as much as your utter lack of confidence and faith in yourself. You should approach this from the perspective, that she should feel honored you're asking her out. That you're doing HER a favor! Whether that's true or not is beside the point. But that's the mindset you need to adopt.

This.
I'm still trying to become fully confident but I'm not quite there yet. It is sad thinking how many chances we get to hang out with women, but we back off out of lack of confidence and the fear of rejection.

 

[Erzengel]

I've stated on here that you don't necessarily BE confident just ACT confident. Generally, once you get over that hurdle, you just stop acting for the most part. I'm sure there'll always be some insecurities that you will have.

And there is a fine line between sexy confidence and off putting arrogance. You still have to come off likable.

 

[Godzilla2000]

*Update* Oh jeez...all the whining I'm being subjected to by grown people about something so trivial as falling in love...yeesh, this friend of some people that I like...it's not like they're ever going to see me with him in their presence on a professional level. If anything it'd be like I'm not even there because I don't intend on associating personally with them at all. I'm just interested in nurturing a relationship with just their friend and his family, who is hopefully more supportive and more esteem building than they are. I don't ever want our personal lives to intersect at all. I'm not an intrusive type, heck I have no clue what goes on in my own family's lives. Any professional ties this guy I like has with the drama queens is strictly between he and them. I've resolved to stay clear out of his workplace completely and just focus on domestic duties.

 

[Alex_Spider]

I've stated on here that you don't necessarily BE confident just ACT confident. Generally, once you get over that hurdle, you just stop acting for the most part. I'm sure there'll always be some insecurities that you will have.

And there is a fine line between sexy confidence and off putting arrogance. You still have to come off likable.

Yeah, definitely.

 

[The Shape]

I've stated on here that you don't necessarily BE confident just ACT confident. Generally, once you get over that hurdle, you just stop acting for the most part. I'm sure there'll always be some insecurities that you will have.

And there is a fine line between sexy confidence and off putting arrogance. You still have to come off likable.

Truth.

Also, it's almost a matter of a self-fulfilling prophecy. If you don't think you can get a girl or have a successful dating experience, it's likely that you won't.

 

[Anita18]

It's not so much "Yeah I'm hot stuff!" as it is just being okay with yourself.

I know I'm not a 10, so why bother acting like I am? It doesn't bother me, I know I have a lot of other great qualities so it doesn't matter how not-10 I am.

That's what I liked about my husband too, when I met him. He knew he wasn't all that, but he didn't worry about it.

 

[Erzengel]

It's also not to be taken to the extreme, if you'are 5'2 - 125 lb or 6'2 - 300 lb guy, you shouldn't be slapping girls on the ass and belittling them to the point of tears under guise of flirting/teasing.

When I speak of confidence, it's being able to go up to someone and buy them a drink or ask them out. Not hoping that she makes the first move or a perfect situation presents itself where she talks to you. Or if you are in a group or one on one, it's being able to put your best self out there. I know you said wringing your hands and staring at the floor is endearing, but looking in them in the eye, smiling and making her laugh works on a lot of women.

 

[Anita18]

Oh my ex could do that, but when you got to know him more, it was clear that was all a front. He had very low self-esteem, and being in a relationship didn't help him.

I'm more talking in general, so you don't have to think so much about acting it.

 

[SpideyVille]

So my girlfriend's ex is finally starting to be a problem. After months of her backing away from her group of friends from school (who were once my friends too) as we started spending more time alone together, we went to a friend's birthday party, and it was the first time we went to a group event like that together, and without our close friend who was basically covering for us when people would ask if we were dating (since it's only been a few months since the breakup and my girlfriend is afraid of losing friends who might think that she broke up with him to be with me). As soon as we got there, the first person we saw was her ex and his friend. He didn't really start anything with us, but he did see us leaving together and started talking to her while we were waiting for a cab because they had never had the chance to talk after their breakup since she blocked him on facebook after a series of events where he was harassing anyone who was close to her to figure out why she broke up with him.

Long story short, they still go to school together and will most likely be seeing each other a lot as they hang with the same group, but she is dying to stay away from him and thinks its unfair that he's trying to turn people on her. We have a small group of people who know we're together and understand why it's still "hidden" but they're very supportive of us and it really makes the situation easier to bare. But every since that party this past weekend, he started to contact her again to the point where she finally told him she doesn't ever want to be friends with him and that he needs to leave her friends alone. Now I just heard that he stopped by the campus uninvited yesterday looking for her to take her out to eat, and that he was looking for me to beat me up.

I'm supposed to be at a Kids event this weekend that he's also supposed to be at, and my girlfriend has already dropped out. But I'm stuck doing it and I don't know what to do. I don't want to get violent and I'm not trying to provoke anything, but I don't know what he might try to do. Our parents think we should look into getting a restraining order if he continues, but he's so oblivious and persistent on getting things his way that I don't see him leaving us alone soon at all.

 

[Erzengel]

There's probably no right answer.

On one hand you can go up to him and say, stay away from her, she doesn't want you around, her family doesn't want you around her. Obviously that can escalate or make him realize that you aren't intimidated.

You can be cordial or even nice or not do anything and things can escalate.

Lastly, it can just go away on it's own.

You don't know how people may react.

I have friends who would beat the crap out of him. Do you think you could take him if it came down to it? Not that I'm advocating violence but you do have a right to stick up for yourself.

I have another friend who was in a similar situation where the guy cheated on her. They had the same amount of friends. Even though he was wrong, people still sided with him and she lost a lot friends and had to make new ones.

 

[SuperSanchez]

We haven't been on date yet. Just a meet. We walked for almost a couple of hours. She agreed to go on a date.

good an ya bro!

 

[the last son]

She's not interested, I believe. We haven't spoke in two days. I must not be interested either because I don't plan on texting her back. I'm too tired to chase. I have another date lined up this weekend anyway.

 

[Hyde]

So I'm in a really sticky situation with my girlfriend.

We'd been arguing for weeks about stupid stuff and we just weren't really getting along anymore, and it was becoming obvious that this wasn't working anymore, so last Thursday I said we should go on a break and she took it kinda badly. The next day I was going camping so was without a lot of wi-fi (good time for a break). The point of it was to basically assess whether we should carry on dating or not, and after a few days I decided that we could work so I called her that evening and told her everything, but she just said that this was so random and she couldn't come to a conclusion on the spot because she hadn't really been thinking about it. Then she started saying stuff like 'do you think we're better off as friends' and 'is this really working,' so it basically confirmed to me what I'd been thinking for a while - that she wanted to end it. We also agreed to meet up when I got back (today) So I thought and talked about it for a few more days and my feelings for her kinda disappeared and I too thought that it was best to end it.

So this morning an hour before we were supposed to meet she cancelled because of the weather and that she didn't want to spend money coming into the city (she lives like half an hour away in a village) for not very long, which obviously pissed me off. We talked a little more and she said that there 'wasn't anything to talk about anymore' so I asked whether she wanted to meet up at all and she said that she was busy anyway, which suggests to me that she isn't interested and doesn't consider it a big thing which I do. So I just said 'whatever' and she replied 'great, have a nice summer x'. I'm kinda at a loss of what to do.

I don't have any feelings towards her anymore and I want to end it, to be honest it should have ended before now because we're really not a good match. But from what she said it sounds as if she'll refuse to come and 'talk' (break up) which consequently drags on us officially being together when we're not actually talking and it's obvious that both of us want out of it. That just leaves the options of breaking up via text or the phone which is lame and I don't want to do that, but I'm not sure whether I have any other choice.

 

[GENERAL RAAM582]

So that girl I'm with has confidence that I wouldn't cheat on her or anything while in college, but the whole not seeing each other part has really been bothering her. We have brought this topic up a few times now, I have no idea why it was brought up last night though. I did not worry about this, but now she is making me worried. It's college so I imagine there won't be a hell of a lot of free time where she would be like, "I wish he was here right now." I don't know what to do or say. I leave on Monday. I'm seeing her today, and probably tomorrow since it's my last day. I'm getting really nervous.

 

[Vapor]

Need help with a bit of a conundrum.... I err, fancy my best mates ex.

I don't know what to do.. This guy is awesome, he's the guy that will be my best man whenever I get married so the last thing I would ever choose to do is hurt him.

Yet this girl is awesome also.. There is obviously no guarantee it would work out perfectly but she is so very my type of girl. We both have a bit of a casual flirtation and have said as much as that we would like to go out with each other in the past. I was at a wedding do with her tonight and went in to town with her after and there was an awkward sort of familiarity, comfortableness and attraction.. There is a spark there. When we got to town she was wanting me to stay out with her and go to the next bar with her but I had left her with her mates stating that it would be a bad idea because if I stayed I would get too drunk and try to kiss her and she looked kind of upset, kind of like she wished I hadn't said that yet agreed with me...

So that kinda answers my question?

I don't know how my mate would react truthfully. Probably not too well. They went out for about 2 years and he loved her and she loved him at one point and it wasn't the best of break ups. At the time he was crushed.. but who isn't after a break up.. And this was about 2 years ago itself and he now has a new girlfriend he is quite happy with. I suspect he would not like it because I know that when I have split up with girlfriends in the past the last thing I wanted was to think a mate would get in there yet I have reached a point where I've moved on and wouldn't mind too much if a mate did get with an ex.. Is it common to move on and reach this point or is it likely he would hate me for it?

Has anyone else being in the same situation? Can it work? Would he have right to stop any potential "thing"? After 2 years should it be ok?

I do have a control on this, I could not go through with anything easily enough so it's not like I cant help myself or anything yet I seem to go through phases... One time I will think "go for it" and other times I know its a tricky situation and should probably just leave it but do want something to be able to happen... What are peoples thoughts on this sort of situation?

 

[Erzengel]

So that girl I'm with has confidence that I wouldn't cheat on her or anything while in college, but the whole not seeing each other part has really been bothering her. We have brought this topic up a few times now, I have no idea why it was brought up last night though. I did not worry about this, but now she is making me worried. It's college so I imagine there won't be a hell of a lot of free time where she would be like, "I wish he was here right now." I don't know what to do or say. I leave on Monday. I'm seeing her today, and probably tomorrow since it's my last day. I'm getting really nervous.

Dating long distance in college/university is hard.

You'll have free time. You'll meet new people. You'll get lonely. These things could happen. It's going to be tough.

Need help with a bit of a conundrum.... I err, fancy my best mates ex.

I don't know what to do.. This guy is awesome, he's the guy that will be my best man whenever I get married so the last thing I would ever choose to do is hurt him.

Yet this girl is awesome also.. There is obviously no guarantee it would work out perfectly but she is so very my type of girl. We both have a bit of a casual flirtation and have said as much as that we would like to go out with each other in the past. I was at a wedding do with her tonight and went in to town with her after and there was an awkward sort of familiarity, comfortableness and attraction.. There is a spark there. When we got to town she was wanting me to stay out with her and go to the next bar with her but I had left her with her mates stating that it would be a bad idea because if I stayed I would get too drunk and try to kiss her and she looked kind of upset, kind of like she wished I hadn't said that yet agreed with me...

So that kinda answers my question?

I don't know how my mate would react truthfully. Probably not too well. They went out for about 2 years and he loved her and she loved him at one point and it wasn't the best of break ups. At the time he was crushed.. but who isn't after a break up.. And this was about 2 years ago itself and he now has a new girlfriend he is quite happy with. I suspect he would not like it because I know that when I have split up with girlfriends in the past the last thing I wanted was to think a mate would get in there yet I have reached a point where I've moved on and wouldn't mind too much if a mate did get with an ex.. Is it common to move on and reach this point or is it likely he would hate me for it?

Has anyone else being in the same situation? Can it work? Would he have right to stop any potential "thing"? After 2 years should it be ok?

I do have a control on this, I could not go through with anything easily enough so it's not like I cant help myself or anything yet I seem to go through phases... One time I will think "go for it" and other times I know its a tricky situation and should probably just leave it but do want something to be able to happen... What are peoples thoughts on this sort of situation?

Best friends don't just fall off of trees.

You have to really ask yourself if some girl is worth losing a really good friend over.

 

[Anita18]

So I'm in a really sticky situation with my girlfriend.

We'd been arguing for weeks about stupid stuff and we just weren't really getting along anymore, and it was becoming obvious that this wasn't working anymore, so last Thursday I said we should go on a break and she took it kinda badly. The next day I was going camping so was without a lot of wi-fi (good time for a break). The point of it was to basically assess whether we should carry on dating or not, and after a few days I decided that we could work so I called her that evening and told her everything, but she just said that this was so random and she couldn't come to a conclusion on the spot because she hadn't really been thinking about it. Then she started saying stuff like 'do you think we're better off as friends' and 'is this really working,' so it basically confirmed to me what I'd been thinking for a while - that she wanted to end it. We also agreed to meet up when I got back (today) So I thought and talked about it for a few more days and my feelings for her kinda disappeared and I too thought that it was best to end it.

So this morning an hour before we were supposed to meet she cancelled because of the weather and that she didn't want to spend money coming into the city (she lives like half an hour away in a village) for not very long, which obviously pissed me off. We talked a little more and she said that there 'wasn't anything to talk about anymore' so I asked whether she wanted to meet up at all and she said that she was busy anyway, which suggests to me that she isn't interested and doesn't consider it a big thing which I do. So I just said 'whatever' and she replied 'great, have a nice summer x'. I'm kinda at a loss of what to do.

I don't have any feelings towards her anymore and I want to end it, to be honest it should have ended before now because we're really not a good match. But from what she said it sounds as if she'll refuse to come and 'talk' (break up) which consequently drags on us officially being together when we're not actually talking and it's obvious that both of us want out of it. That just leaves the options of breaking up via text or the phone which is lame and I don't want to do that, but I'm not sure whether I have any other choice.

Text is dumb, phone is the best option if she can't/doesn't want to do it in person.

I broke up with my first boyfriend over the phone, because he was studying abroad in China at the time, and it really wasn't working out. Like with your situation, it was mutual, and not a surprise to either of us.

Both of you have to move on from this, especially if both of you are checked out of the relationship completely and agree it's not working out. If she's too lazy/doesn't care enough to formally end it, you'll have to be the one to say it. Phone is at least a much better option than just assuming that you're single, which is the worst thing you can do. Even worse than texting a breakup.

 

[Anita18]

So that girl I'm with has confidence that I wouldn't cheat on her or anything while in college, but the whole not seeing each other part has really been bothering her. We have brought this topic up a few times now, I have no idea why it was brought up last night though. I did not worry about this, but now she is making me worried. It's college so I imagine there won't be a hell of a lot of free time where she would be like, "I wish he was here right now." I don't know what to do or say. I leave on Monday. I'm seeing her today, and probably tomorrow since it's my last day. I'm getting really nervous.

LDRs are hard, especially if it's your first time away from home in general.

I dunno, if most of the relationship consists of you reassuring her, there isn't really much of an actual relationship behind that.

A relationship is so much more than just two people deciding they're going to date only each other. You might think this is your best chance at a relationship ever, but you're still so young and there's a lot of life you have to live still.

The best thing is to just take it as it comes. It seems like both of you are worrying over things that have yet to happen, or even may not happen depending on how it goes.

 

[Anita18]

Need help with a bit of a conundrum.... I err, fancy my best mates ex.

I don't know what to do.. This guy is awesome, he's the guy that will be my best man whenever I get married so the last thing I would ever choose to do is hurt him.

Yet this girl is awesome also.. There is obviously no guarantee it would work out perfectly but she is so very my type of girl. We both have a bit of a casual flirtation and have said as much as that we would like to go out with each other in the past. I was at a wedding do with her tonight and went in to town with her after and there was an awkward sort of familiarity, comfortableness and attraction.. There is a spark there. When we got to town she was wanting me to stay out with her and go to the next bar with her but I had left her with her mates stating that it would be a bad idea because if I stayed I would get too drunk and try to kiss her and she looked kind of upset, kind of like she wished I hadn't said that yet agreed with me...

So that kinda answers my question?

I don't know how my mate would react truthfully. Probably not too well. They went out for about 2 years and he loved her and she loved him at one point and it wasn't the best of break ups. At the time he was crushed.. but who isn't after a break up.. And this was about 2 years ago itself and he now has a new girlfriend he is quite happy with. I suspect he would not like it because I know that when I have split up with girlfriends in the past the last thing I wanted was to think a mate would get in there yet I have reached a point where I've moved on and wouldn't mind too much if a mate did get with an ex.. Is it common to move on and reach this point or is it likely he would hate me for it?

Has anyone else being in the same situation? Can it work? Would he have right to stop any potential "thing"? After 2 years should it be ok?

I do have a control on this, I could not go through with anything easily enough so it's not like I cant help myself or anything yet I seem to go through phases... One time I will think "go for it" and other times I know its a tricky situation and should probably just leave it but do want something to be able to happen... What are peoples thoughts on this sort of situation?

Since he is THAT kind of best friend, I would suggest at least telling him your intentions. You are not necessarily asking him his permission to date her (cause anyone who tries to control what you do is not a friend at all), but just giving him a heads up. You want to show you're not trying to go behind his back on this, that you want things to still be cool between everyone.

A friend of mine set up his ex with a friend of his. They're married now, everyone's happy. He was pretty proud of himself too. But yeah, not making assumptions is always a good bet.

 

[Vapor]

Best friends don't just fall off of trees.

You have to really ask yourself if some girl is worth losing a really good friend over.

Since he is THAT kind of best friend, I would suggest at least telling him your intentions. You are not necessarily asking him his permission to date her (cause anyone who tries to control what you do is not a friend at all), but just giving him a heads up. You want to show you're not trying to go behind his back on this, that you want things to still be cool between everyone.

A friend of mine set up his ex with a friend of his. They're married now, everyone's happy. He was pretty proud of himself too. But yeah, not making assumptions is always a good bet.

Thanks guys. The thought had crossed my mind to obviously make him aware first and i think, even though it wouldn't necessarily be a bad thing itself (for something to happen), i'm just not sure how he would even react to the idea let alone the act so i will leave it. It is an unfortunate situation really especially considering i know she feels the same but, in this instance, it would be smart not to pursue it..

 

[Hyde]

Text is dumb, phone is the best option if she can't/doesn't want to do it in person.

I broke up with my first boyfriend over the phone, because he was studying abroad in China at the time, and it really wasn't working out. Like with your situation, it was mutual, and not a surprise to either of us.

Both of you have to move on from this, especially if both of you are checked out of the relationship completely and agree it's not working out. If she's too lazy/doesn't care enough to formally end it, you'll have to be the one to say it. Phone is at least a much better option than just assuming that you're single, which is the worst thing you can do. Even worse than texting a breakup.

Well, she called me last night and we broke up. Sucks but it was inevitable. On to the next one, or whatever.

 

[webhead9707]

Got the just friends speech again last night.. Haven't had that happen in a while. Sucked. Oh well. Thousands of girls in my general vicinity, I'll find one eventually.

 

[the last son]

I'm not one to stand into two people being happy, but if my ex and one of my friends wants to date, so be it. I just know I wouldn't want to be friends anymore. It would be strange. Let's so you all hangout. She might eventually gain feelings for the ex again. Is it really worth it? I would never date a friends ex. Not a best friend at least. Casual friends I knew 10 years ago, sure, but not a best friends ex. There are a million women out here, get another one.

 

[Hyde]

So I mentioned a few posts up that me and my girlfriend broke up, and when it happened she said that she wanted to stay friends and wanted it to actually happen, not just say it will like every breakup and then they never talk again. So after we actually 'broke up' we stayed on the phone for like half an hour and just chatted, which was weird but it was the first time in a while we had spoken normally.

Anyway, since then she's messaged me every evening and it's weird because she clearly WANTS to talk to me but from the tone of her messages she either doesn't want to put any effort in or wants to come across as if she is. The first night she was saying sorry because it was '*****y' of her to not speak to me properly for ages and then after we break up start acting normal again. Then the second night after we'd already been speaking, a few hours later at like 2AM she messaged me and when I replied she backtracked and said 'wait, no, i should probably sleep'. So it's a weird situation and I'm not really sure what to make of it.

Does she regret the decision to end it? Has this or something similar happened to anyone else in here?

 

[Emperor_Zerg]

Anybody with families in here?

I'm struggling a bit lately keeping my cool and I've been getting easily frustrated lately with my pregnant wife and my 2 year old son. My wife recently became a stay at home mom from working 3-11pm/4-12pm shifts. We decided it would be much better for her since she was pregnant and that it'll give her time with our 2 year old before the new baby comes. I also thought I would benefit since it would mean that my wife would get move to my schedule and my son's (I work 8-5 and my son sleeps at 9-10 everynight).

Things were amazing at first, but it has become increasingly difficult. Instead of her moving to my schedule, she migrated our son to her old schedule. So we all sleep around midnight every night and I have to wake up around 6 everyday to get ready for work. They don't get up till 9-10. So when I come home from work everyday, they just get off from their afternoon nap and are full of energy. My wife usually wants to run errands, tons of chores, and house projects. The house is usually a crowded mess because she starts projects that she can't finish and starts multiple projects at once. She also wants me to take our kid to watch him while she does stuff.

This isn't that bad, but I'm getting worn out a bit. I take our son at night when he wakes up (usually around 3:30 am for milk) because I want her to get rest, which means I get less rest. If my son wakes up early on the weekends, I get up and take him to play downstairs to play. My son mostly only wants her because they grew such a strong bond and doesn't listen to me as much. When he gives me an attitude and I try to discipline him, my wife always says "We always fight" (which irks me like crazy now) and complains that she has to take him to comfort him. I also get irritated when she makes comments like "I guess I'll never get to rest/sleep" when she just slept for 10 hours that day while I barely got sleep!

I'm usually a very calm person, but not having that space and being tired has really made me a lot less social and likable. I tried talking to her about resting earlier, but it just never happens and she just becomes agitated because she wants to get a bunch of stuff done and complains that she is tired.

I know she is pregnant and it might just be the hormones, but I kind of just need to get this off my chest. How do you guys suggest in relieving my stresses so I'm less irritated? It's just hard when I come home and the house has stuff everywhere where I can barely walk, my son has an attitude with me because he wants his mom, my wife wants me to do a bunch of things, and I'm just tired.

Thanks in advance. Sorry, I don't know where else to put this, I think I just wanted to get this off chest more than anything, but if you guys have any ideas on releasing stress, it'll be greatly appreciated.