The Relationship Thread: Because Superhero Forums are Full of Sexperts! - - - - - - - - Part 27

[the last son]

I thought I wanted a relationship until you get in them and realize you might not. I'm going to take my min and doctor's advice and get therapy

 

[hopefuldreamer]

Dreamer you ever see Flight?

Yeah, it was just too heavy for me... like, I prefer 28 days and Smashed because the characters are more likeable and relatable despite their addiction...

I couldn't relate to Flight, because he was not only an alcoholic, but also a giant ******* IMO

 

[the last son]

Maybe that's why I identity so much with the character. I really do want a relationship, but don't want to do any of the heavy lifting. I'm very insecure and mask it with talking to other women and scared to fully commit. Scared of not being loved because I know the bad person I am

 

[PacificBoy]

Maybe that's why I identity so much with the character. I really do want a relationship, but don't want to do any of the heavy lifting. I'm very insecure and mask it with talking to other women and scared to fully commit. Scared of not being loved because I know the bad person I am

You've been saying that for some time and I think it's become your cop-out.

 

[hopefuldreamer]

Maybe that's why I identity so much with the character. I really do want a relationship, but don't want to do any of the heavy lifting. I'm very insecure and mask it with talking to other women and scared to fully commit. Scared of not being loved because I know the bad person I am

Nothing more infuriating to me that someone who feels sorry for themselves for being a 'bad person'... as though it's a condition and not a choice.

 

[the last son]

I'm calling my doctor today to seek therapy

 

[hopefuldreamer]

I'm calling my doctor today to seek therapy

That's great news.

Just try and actually focus on not always giving in to you're usual habits and behaviors.

When I first started dieting with the help of a group, I was absolutely elated by discovering the power to say no to myself. To be really really strongly craving something and be able to tell myself I can't have it... because I realized I hadn't really done that in years. I'd just been doing whatever I felt like in the moment. I'd eat what I wanted, drink whenever I wanted, go out whenever I wanted, have sex whenever the opportunity arose.

It's really easy to slip into just doing whatever you want, especially if you're single and easy going. You just give in to your 'id' all the time, feed your cravings, be hedonistic.

And it can feel more like it's just 'in your nature' and not in your control, cause you feel like it's all acting on impulse and desires in your brain..

The best discovery you can make, is that you're id is not as strong as your ego. Your ego is the one who is ACTUALLY in control. You just haven't been letting it steer your decision and actions for a long time.

And the thing is, hedonism doesn't lead to actual happiness. It's a reward system for doing absolutely nothing. You are constantly treating yourself for bad behavior.

 

[Erzengel]

I remember way back when it seemed like you were being pressured by your family to find someone.

You met a girl, and like you said, you didn't want to do any of the heavy lifting. The relationship suffered greatly because of it.

However it's funny, you say your'e scared of not being loved when it seems with your last relationship that the girl really tried with you which means she must of had some feelings for you.

It's good that you're acknowledging it now but you have to make steps and maybe a therapist is probably the best course of action.

 

[DeadPresident]

Maybe that's why I identity so much with the character. I really do want a relationship, but don't want to do any of the heavy lifting.

No, then you don't want a relationship. What you like is the idea of a relationship. The same way I like the idea of owning a fleet of pet tigers, it's insanely awesome in my head. But once I have 4 tigers on my property slaughtering my neighbours' cats and probably mauling me to death it becomes a lot less epic.

You've got a preconceived notion of your ideal relationship in your head, and when the scenario deviates from that you try and escape it with your impulsive behaviour. You drinking or calling people and acting like a jackass is your escape hatch from responsibility.

I'm very insecure and mask it with talking to other women and scared to fully commit. Scared of not being loved because I know the bad person I am

That's a self-fulfilling prophecy man, you keep telling yourself you're a bad person so that when you feel like not taking responsibility you do something inconsiderate and you assuage your guilt by saying "I'm a bad person, it's what we do". You're not a bad person, nobody is. You keep repeating bad decisions.

There are a lot of people in this thread who could do with broadening their emotional intelligence a bit. Relieving your visceral compulsions at the expense of your psychological and emotional wellbeing is never, ever a good idea. If people keep putting themselves in scenarios where they know what the (bad) outcome is going to be but make no effort to avoid those situations they only have themselves to blame. I'd recommend the therapy, and at the same time find a hobby or something you're decent at that you can do regularly. Anything that you routinely succeed at. Doesn't matter if it's playing baseball with buddies or making clay horses in pottery classes. Small successes each day will help you maintain positive self-image. And for **** sakes, please put the bottle down.

 

[PacificBoy]

You haven't been working out lately, have you, TLS? Suggest you get back to it if you haven't. I think you lost some of the feeling of self-discipline and accomplishment that came with the exercise.

 

[RetrogradeOrbit]

What happened?

The relationship has been on the rocks for a long time, like, years. For me, it simply got to the point where I could not pretend anything was okay any longer.

I think one of the things was a case of realising that her and I just have such diametrically opposed points of view on so many things where life and family are concerned, that there was just no middle ground to find.

Then since I got my health and fitness back on track these last couple of years, those differences just got further and further apart.

In all honesty? it's a relief that it's going to be all over soon.
But it means I am starting out from scratch, again. As I'll be taking on an unfurnished apartment.
At the end of the day, it's her place and I am not going to be taking anything which is not absolutely mine.

One of the biggest pains in the arse is that it is throwing my New York trip for a bit of a loop. As I was going to be taking her with me to Manhattan in a few weeks. She doesn't want to go with me and who can blame her?
I almost don't feel like going myself, but that would be throwing so much money away it would be criminal. Also, out of everywhere that I have ever visited, Manhattan is my absolute favourite. And it's Comic Con weekend when I would be there...!

It's going to take weeks to find and move into a new place. Probably not until after the aforementioned trip. But I have storage for my gear organised.

It is what it is. I just need to deal with it the best I can.

Sorry, bit of a long winded, rambling answer...

 

[RetrogradeOrbit]

I'm calling my doctor today to seek therapy

Good for you. If that what it takes, good luck with it.
Once you sort yourself out, everything else is going to be easier.

 

[Mysteryman]

Good for you. If that what it takes, good luck with it.
Once you sort yourself out, everything else is going to be easier.

Good Luck!

 

[the last son]

I really like the one woman though. If she contacts me again can I explain my situation and really try to have a relationship with her? A healthy one

 

[hopefuldreamer]

The relationship has been on the rocks for a long time, like, years. For me, it simply got to the point where I could not pretend anything was okay any longer.

I think one of the things was a case of realising that her and I just have such diametrically opposed points of view on so many things where life and family are concerned, that there was just no middle ground to find.

Then since I got my health and fitness back on track these last couple of years, those differences just got further and further apart.

In all honesty? it's a relief that it's going to be all over soon.
But it means I am starting out from scratch, again. As I'll be taking on an unfurnished apartment.
At the end of the day, it's her place and I am not going to be taking anything which is not absolutely mine.

One of the biggest pains in the arse is that it is throwing my New York trip for a bit of a loop. As I was going to be taking her with me to Manhattan in a few weeks. She doesn't want to go with me and who can blame her?
I almost don't feel like going myself, but that would be throwing so much money away it would be criminal. Also, out of everywhere that I have ever visited, Manhattan is my absolute favourite. And it's Comic Con weekend when I would be there...!

It's going to take weeks to find and move into a new place. Probably not until after the aforementioned trip. But I have storage for my gear organised.

It is what it is. I just need to deal with it the best I can.

Sorry, bit of a long winded, rambling answer...

Sorry to hear that. It's never easy to admit something is dead when you've put so much time and effort and emotion into it.

I'm glad you've had the courage to do so, instead of just carrying on out of laziness or fear

I really like the one woman though. If she contacts me again can I explain my situation and really try to have a relationship with her? A healthy one

If I were you, i'd explain the situation and hopefully she will understand why now is not a good time to be starting a new relationship... and maybe when you're doing better, you can reach out to her again.

But then, that would require you being honest

 

[Erzengel]

I said it before you have to focus on you.

Fix the drinking. Maybe get yourself in a better position job wise. Last time I checked didn't you quit your job? Are you even working?

This woman isn't going to fix your problems. You have to fix your problems.

Do you really think you could be a good bf right now to anyone? You are bringing problems into a relationship from the get go? You're still selfish. You still want the girl to do all the heavy lifting. Just because you admitted to all your faults doesn't mean they are just going to go away.

 

[the last son]

I think I could grow into the man I need to become. It'll never happen until I give it a real shot

 

[ShadowBoxer]

Fear of rejection is my biggest issue as to why I am not dating currently. I mean I don't really care about being rejected on dating sites but it stings a bit when you get rejected face to face. I am not as bad as Neil ( no offense) and take it hard and personal , but I always freeze up when I try to ask a girl I like out. In my mind if she says no then it's always that awkward tension whenever we see each other. Awkwardness just makes me really uncomfortable!

 

[Erzengel]

You haven't done anything in the past year to prove otherwise.

Could you? Yes. Will you? Honestly? I don't think so. You just seem to be wishing for all these things to fall into place. You haven't even seen a doctor yet. You still have all these insecurities and are a self sabotager.

It just seems like you care more about you than her. I think you honestly like this girl. But will you really make any new effort to better yourself? It didn't work last time.

Because if it doesn't work out, "it's because you're a terrible person" excuse again.

Even if you warn her about all this ahead of time, and it's "her" decision, a lot of people are willing to give things a shot, however, she seems like she'd be risking more than you.

 

[Erzengel]

Fear of rejection is my biggest issue as to why I am not dating currently. I mean I don't really care about being rejected on dating sites but it stings a bit when you get rejected face to face. I am not as bad as Neil ( no offense) and take it hard and personal , but I always freeze up when I try to ask a girl I like out. In my mind if she says no then it's always that awkward tension whenever we see each other. Awkwardness just makes me really uncomfortable!

It took getting dumped for me to stop caring and just go out and have fun. Then I met someone.

Rejection sucks. But I wouldn't care if 100 people thought less of me as long as the 1-3 people I did care about did.

 

[DeadPresident]

I think I could grow into the man I need to become. It'll never happen until I give it a real shot

At the end of the day everyone on here is just letters on a screen, it's up to you to actually take responsibility for your life. You're going to do what you like in any case, you're already making up arguments for why you should do what you want to 3 posts after people have tried giving you actual advice.

 

[ShadowBoxer]

It took getting dumped for me to stop caring and just go out and have fun. Then I met someone.

Rejection sucks. But I wouldn't care if 100 people thought less of me as long as the 1-3 people I did care about did.

Yea I got rejected in person before, it sucked but what really bothered me was the awkwardness afterward more than the rejection itself. Currently, I am trying to muster up the courage to as this one girl out, and I am also more active on dating sites. I am really using the dating sites to give me more confidence for face to face interactions, as it doesn't bother me at all to be rejected online ha.

 

[Erzengel]

Well that's the problem with asking women out that you are friends with or work with.

If you're dating strangers, who cares if they never call you back?

 

[ShadowBoxer]

Well that's the problem with asking women out that you are friends with or work with.

If you're dating strangers, who cares if they never call you back?

Yea that's true. I been crushing on girls I know or are friends with. I just thought it would be better to date a girl I was sorta familiar with. But I should really start with girls who are complete strangers. Dating sites will help since every girl there is a stranger ha.

 

[the last son]

Think you all are too hard on me. I'm not the only selfish alcoholic trying to form a relationship