The Relationship Thread: Because Superhero Forums are Full of Sexperts! - - - - - - - - - Part 28

[Erzengel]

I think dating in general just takes thick skin. You can meet someone tomorrow. Exchange phone numbers and they could technically be seeing someone.

 

[Anita18]

This is so common with online dating. It's a minefield! I emailed/texted a guy for a couple of weeks and we got on really well. Then the messages stopped abruptly. Turns out he was talking to a lot of women and had met someone else he liked. To his credit he did update his profile to explain. It's still tough when you are left wondering why they are ignoring you suddenly.

Online dating requires a thick skin!

Happened to me too, before I met my husband. I just figured that if they stopped messaging me suddenly, that they met someone else. Not a biggie.

I still thought it was better than getting rejected in real life, for women hotter than me.

 

[hopefuldreamer]

You know what you want to d8.
You just don't want to hurt the guy.

Nope... I really have no idea what to do!

I know everyone moves at it's own pace, but Hopeful, you've been all over. Moving in right away, while I understand was more a matter of convenience.

How long have you together now a year?

And living together to boot? If you don't know if you're in love by now, I think there's something really wrong.

And while I know you rather have this than nothing, but in terms of relationship, you really shouldn't settle.

Nah it's not been a year

It's been since September, so about 4 and a half months.

Thing is... it just keeps changing all the time!

So since I posted that, the passion reignited. We have had a really awesome few weeks.

Now he's gone to visit family in portugal, and I feel all loved up and miss him loads.

I really don't know if my worries about a lack of feeling in love, are just a product of my inability to recognise different kinds of love.

I mean, I have spent the majority of my life associating love with unrequited feelings.

It's an odd sensation to not yearn for someone because they are right there. To not wish to be closer to them/be happier with them, because your just really close/happy with them.

Well... it's odd for me anyway.

You know, I just had a similar conversation with my sister, who'd been dating this guy for a few months after suffering for years trying to save a relationship with an extremely self-centered dude. The new guy was really nice, complete opposite of her ex in that regard...but she found him really boring. She was always the one planning things, and she finds "vitality" attractive. I had to laugh when she said, "How do you ask someone to be more interesting?" My answer was, you don't. You have to accept them as they are, or let them go. And it's really up to you to decide what the line is for you.

I like to joke that my relationship with my husband is really boring, because I feel a lot of people have ridiculously high expectations over what a good relationship is really like. But it's not 100% true that there's nothing between us. Even though there isn't uncontrollable passion like in the movies, he's always inspired me. Always. And along with the unconditional support, I decided that was "good enough" for me, long-term. Then I simply chose to do the little things that keep a relationship going, such as showing affection towards him constantly. It isn't that it's a chore or struggle for me, but I could easily choose not to kiss him good-bye when I leave. Doing it helps strengthen the relationship. That's why I choose to do it.

So I suppose you have to ask yourself - does he inspire you? Because that at least can sustain you during times when you're both a bit meh about everything. But if he really is just a lazy stoner who's comfortably there in your life without adding to it in a long-term fashion, I don't think you have to settle for him. Life's too short to spend it with someone who doesn't inspire you, at the very least.

That's exactly what's missing really

I am so fond of him, I love having him around and I don't want him to go anywhere... at least for a while.

But yeah, I think for me to fall in love, there has to be that inspiration. I was saying to a friend the other day... I feel like I love his heart and I like his mind, but I don't think i've seen much of his soul.

Who knows though... maybe that's still to come!

Hopeful, speaking from my recent experiences with getting out of a relationship which had become seriously toxic...

If your gut instinct is that things aren't working out, then that's probably how it is.
By all means, discuss the situation with your boyfriend. But if you don't get the responses you feel are needed for yourself, then you should end it before the living arrangements become hopelessly intertwined.
It is better to live alone than to be in an empty, unfair relationship.

That is not to say I don't understand why it is difficult to want to change what you currently have.

Yeah, I think he needs to move out for me to get a bit of perspective at least.

 

[RetrogradeOrbit]

Sincerely, good luck with this Hopeful... x

 

[hopefuldreamer]

Thanks

 

[Anita18]

That's exactly what's missing really

I am so fond of him, I love having him around and I don't want him to go anywhere... at least for a while.

But yeah, I think for me to fall in love, there has to be that inspiration. I was saying to a friend the other day... I feel like I love his heart and I like his mind, but I don't think i've seen much of his soul.

Who knows though... maybe that's still to come!

I don't think I can say I "fell in love" with my husband, like it was just a feeling that washed over me. It was a very slow thing. He's shy too, so it took a LONG time for him to warm up to me. I think it was almost a year when I felt actual romantic feelings for him. But I mean...I did find qualities in him that I liked and found inspiring. That's the only reason I can see in hindsight, as to why I kept dating him for months even though there was no "spark." He seemed like a good person for me to be around.

And it turns out I was right. Maybe I'm pretty damn lucky in that respect, that my first impressions were correct even though I had nothing to go on.

 

[Erzengel]

I wanted a girlfriend since I was 6.

My wife wasn't the first girl I was with and I like to think that helped because with my first "love", we were only together for a little while and was it infatuation or love? Was it trumped up because it was my first or just because how I was? Now it's easy to put things in more of a perspective.

When my wife met me, I know she was really infatuated with me. (I'm saying this matter of fact and not as a way of inflating my ego. ) She also was the first to say the word love which was probably in the first 3 months? I think I waited 4 months but pretty much knew sooner. Maybe it helped that I was in other relationships before? But I just knew.

Obviously everyone is different just between my story and Anita's story.

I do want to mention, we all have expectations of what we want in someone or in a relationship. The thing is we don't normally get everything we want. So in the end, it's what you're okay with. Not necessarily settling, just the sheer amount of good just eclipses the other things.

Due to your inexperience in terms of relationships, you might take a while to know exactly what you want and what you're okay with. However, I think in time you'll know and whether it's with him being there or with you apart, you'll know.

 

[Anita18]

Now you have me wondering what my husband thinks of all this, considering I was his first serious gf!

He doesn't normally think too hard about such things though. Maybe he's just happy he has someone grateful and chill that he finds attractive and who's willing to let him stick around.

 

[RetrogradeOrbit]

I don't think I can say I "fell in love" with my husband, like it was just a feeling that washed over me. It was a very slow thing. He's shy too, so it took a LONG time for him to warm up to me. I think it was almost a year when I felt actual romantic feelings for him. But I mean...I did find qualities in him that I liked and found inspiring. That's the only reason I can see in hindsight, as to why I kept dating him for months even though there was no "spark." He seemed like a good person for me to be around.

And it turns out I was right. Maybe I'm pretty damn lucky in that respect, that my first impressions were correct even though I had nothing to go on.

I think you are a very lucky lady Anita, and your husband too...

Looking back over the few relationships I have had, I am now pretty certain I have never actually been in love yet. Hopefully it is something that I will get to experience, I would like to find someone that accepts me for who I am and of course vice versa.

But, I am a bit of a weirdo, so I am not sure such a girl exists! I remain hopeful though... t:

 

[Grabes30]

Yeah, I'm fairly convinced that some people get extraordinarily lucky somehow, and the rest are left to the hard road. My mom met my dad by chance in college (my mom wasn't even going to that college, and almost didn't even walk into the room my dad was in), and after that they were hardly ever apart. She ran away from home to move to a different state to live with him. It was like God said, "Here ya go. You two are set."

I'm 32, have had one year-long relationship with a gal that turned out to be legitimately bat-**** crazy, and an alcoholic. In the last 2-3 years there have been about 4 girls that just randomly stopped writing me back when we were talking, and I only found out through my Batman-like detective skills what their deal was. One of them, there was seemingly no good reason (and that doesn't even count the girl I described a few posts back). The last girl I asked out after talking to her a couple times at the store she worked at stood there and looked at me....and didn't say one word. You'd think I was a mutant or something (I'm not!)

So, I've had little to no patience for this online dating thing. I think a lot of girls describe what they want in a guy, but when one comes along, they always seem to reject them and go for the "project." When it's up in February, I'm done. People tell me I'm too young to just give up, but.... at least I've gotten a good internal chuckle out of a few of these girls

 

[Anita18]

Yeah, I'm fairly convinced that some people get extraordinarily lucky somehow, and the rest are left to the hard road. My mom met my dad by chance in college (my mom wasn't even going to that college, and almost didn't even walk into the room my dad was in), and after that they were hardly ever apart. She ran away from home to move to a different state to live with him. It was like God said, "Here ya go. You two are set."

I'm 32, have had one year-long relationship with a gal that turned out to be legitimately bat-**** crazy, and an alcoholic. In the last 2-3 years there have been about 4 girls that just randomly stopped writing me back when we were talking, and I only found out through my Batman-like detective skills what their deal was. One of them, there was seemingly no good reason (and that doesn't even count the girl I described a few posts back). The last girl I asked out after talking to her a couple times at the store she worked at stood there and looked at me....and didn't say one word. You'd think I was a mutant or something (I'm not!)

So, I've had little to no patience for this online dating thing. I think a lot of girls describe what they want in a guy, but when one comes along, they always seem to reject them and go for the "project." When it's up in February, I'm done. People tell me I'm too young to just give up, but.... at least I've gotten a good internal chuckle out of a few of these girls

People might think they know what they want, but attraction doesn't work so logically.

I'm not sure how long you've been keeping up with our shenanigans here, but even though I got lucky in the end, it was still a big waiting game. I was on Plenty of Fish for 3 years before I met my husband, and tried out other online things occasionally for years before that. Nothing in those years amounted to more than a second date (and that was only ONCE), and I can count all of the first dates I've ever been on in my entire life, on both hands.

I was lucky that I ended up with a good person, but it wasn't luck that set the stage. It was a damn lot of patience.

My husband's dated more women, but they were all kinda immature and crazy. I don't think any of them lasted a few months. No indication that he was "capable" of a long-term relationship, but we've been together more than 5 years now, never had a fight. You can't really extrapolate the rest of your life on what's happened before, especially when it partly depends on the actions of another person.

I think meeting your SO, or even any significant friends, could be counted as lucky. I met both of my current closest friends by chance.

 

[Grabes30]

I do need to go back a few pages and skim the stories you guys are referring to. I did a little, but not completely yet. I was actually glancing through POF a bit the other night and it seemed like a LOT of single moms, haha. Unless a pretty great person comes along, that's just not my cup of tea. I was on eHarmony for a cup of coffee, but didn't pay for it. I wasn't too impressed with the people they were recommending. My sister's good friend met her husband there, and my cousin met her's on Match.

Five years without a fight is pretty impressive!

 

[hopefuldreamer]

Yeah, I'm fairly convinced that some people get extraordinarily lucky somehow, and the rest are left to the hard road. My mom met my dad by chance in college (my mom wasn't even going to that college, and almost didn't even walk into the room my dad was in), and after that they were hardly ever apart. She ran away from home to move to a different state to live with him. It was like God said, "Here ya go. You two are set."

I'm 32, have had one year-long relationship with a gal that turned out to be legitimately bat-**** crazy, and an alcoholic. In the last 2-3 years there have been about 4 girls that just randomly stopped writing me back when we were talking, and I only found out through my Batman-like detective skills what their deal was. One of them, there was seemingly no good reason (and that doesn't even count the girl I described a few posts back). The last girl I asked out after talking to her a couple times at the store she worked at stood there and looked at me....and didn't say one word. You'd think I was a mutant or something (I'm not!)

So, I've had little to no patience for this online dating thing. I think a lot of girls describe what they want in a guy, but when one comes along, they always seem to reject them and go for the "project." When it's up in February, I'm done. People tell me I'm too young to just give up, but.... at least I've gotten a good internal chuckle out of a few of these girls

1. Do you not think there are women on dating websites experiencing the exact same things as you described but the other way around? Talking to a guy and thinking you've got a bit of a spark, and then nothing... Looking at a guy's profile and finding you fit perfectly with what they say they are looking for... but they still don't even respond to your messages?

And my god, guys frequently go for the gorgeous but messed up 'project' over the girl that'd be good for them.

Believe me, it's not a 'women' thing... it's just a people thing.

2. Sure, for some people love happens like winning the lottery. Other's have to work for their money.

 

[Anita18]

Five years without a fight is pretty impressive!

I mean, we've had disagreements and we've been upset at each other (would be creepy if we didn't), but nothing that developed into a "not listening anymore" screaming match. I'm much more chill than my husband, but he's got the maturity to physically leave a situation that's making him angry to cool off before coming back and having a rational discussion, and I've got the maturity to let him leave to do that without getting upset about it. That's why it depends on both people in the relationship, because it's what we both bring to the table. And it's not obvious by one's "relationship experience," which I've always found to be a highly overrated concept.

 

[Grabes30]

Oh, believe me, I never said it was exclusively a woman thing. I'm not stupid enough to generalize like that. Most guys (*most*) would go after the hotter, dumber girl instead because most guys are boneheads.

Disagreements happen for sure, and having the sensibility to know how to take care of it when it does happen is a great thing. No screaming matches is pretty awesome though. I've had 6 different sets of neighbors in my time at my apartment and all but one set have always yelled at each other, at all times of the day and night. I've always just sat there and thought, "Thank goodness I'm single." haha.

It sounds like you guys are good for each other! It would be pretty creepy if you always agreed about everything, ha. That's beyond even Brady Bunch territory.

 

[nogolf33]

My husband's dated more women, but they were all kinda immature and crazy. I don't think any of them lasted a few months. No indication that he was "capable" of a long-term relationship, but we've been together more than 5 years now, never had a fight. You can't really extrapolate the rest of your life on what's happened before, especially when it partly depends on the actions of another person.

I think meeting your SO, or even any significant friends, could be counted as lucky. I met both of my current closest friends by chance.

I mean, we've had disagreements and we've been upset at each other (would be creepy if we didn't), but nothing that developed into a "not listening anymore" screaming match. I'm much more chill than my husband, but he's got the maturity to physically leave a situation that's making him angry to cool off before coming back and having a rational discussion, and I've got the maturity to let him leave to do that without getting upset about it. That's why it depends on both people in the relationship, because it's what we both bring to the table. And it's not obvious by one's "relationship experience," which I've always found to be a highly overrated concept.

Oh, believe me, I never said it was exclusively a woman thing. I'm not stupid enough to generalize like that. Most guys (*most*) would go after the hotter, dumber girl instead because most guys are boneheads.

Disagreements happen for sure, and having the sensibility to know how to take care of it when it does happen is a great thing. No screaming matches is pretty awesome though. I've had 6 different sets of neighbors in my time at my apartment and all but one set have always yelled at each other, at all times of the day and night. I've always just sat there and thought, "Thank goodness I'm single." haha.

It sounds like you guys are good for each other! It would be pretty creepy if you always agreed about everything, ha. That's beyond even Brady Bunch territory.

I'm glad Anita clarified her first post. I thought of scenarios similar to "Psycho" or "Misery" more than the Brady Bunch.

Though Anita appears to be awesome - I don't think anyone is capable of managing her personal relationships where no conflict ever occurs...

 

[the last son]

I'm honestly trying to be a better person. I do deliveries for a profession and the opportunity arises a few times a day to ask women out, but until I change my thought process I'm not interested in dating. Whenever I meet a woman I'm interested in, my thought process is always how much sex I can get from her when I need it. When my ex and I broke up I didn't learn a thing. I lied and said whatever to get sex from women. I admit I was wrong and selfish. Now when situations arise like at work I ignore the women's signals because if I'm truly sorty for the past I won't repeat it. I'm still drinking heavy and have nothing to offer anyone until I grow up.

 

[Ultron-5]

You guys wanna know an easy way to get a girlfriend?

 

[Anita18]

I'm glad Anita clarified her first post. I thought of scenarios similar to "Psycho" or "Misery" more than the Brady Bunch.

Though Anita appears to be awesome - I don't think anyone is capable of managing her personal relationships where no conflict ever occurs...

Yeah, it's not something that I normally tell people or try to brag about. It's just more like looking back on it, I can't recall a time where we screamed at each other. We have a pretty level-headed way of going about things.

And yeah, a situation with no conflict is impossible. (I side-eye anyone who claims they never argue or disagree with their SO. Argument/disagreements =/= fight.) It's all about how you handle the conflict.

I'm honestly trying to be a better person. I do deliveries for a profession and the opportunity arises a few times a day to ask women out, but until I change my thought process I'm not interested in dating. Whenever I meet a woman I'm interested in, my thought process is always how much sex I can get from her when I need it. When my ex and I broke up I didn't learn a thing. I lied and said whatever to get sex from women. I admit I was wrong and selfish. Now when situations arise like at work I ignore the women's signals because if I'm truly sorty for the past I won't repeat it. I'm still drinking heavy and have nothing to offer anyone until I grow up.

Self-awareness is a huge first step, a big one, but "growing up" is something you do actively too. I can't say what that might entail for you personally, but it isn't like you just sit around and then one day you have it all figured out. All of your experiences make you who you are, and you can choose what those experiences can be as well.

 

[Hobgoblin]

Things have been pretty good with my gf lately. She was the one that would casually toss out the homophobic slur. I asked her to stop that and to her credit she did.

However she has started with other groups lately. She likes to tell me that Catholics are cray (knowing that I'm a former Catholic) and recently used the term "dirty Jew." She hates her father for being a racist, sexist bigot but doesn't see the hypocrisy in her own words.

She always says she loves me and only wants to make me happy and never angry but then she says something like that. She is a good person in so many ways but then she pulls this crap.

Sorry, I just wanted to vent.

 

[Spitfire]

Believe me, it's not a 'women' thing... it's just a people thing.

Exactly! Men and women are equally capable of treating each other badly. Both can be superficial and value looks over the complete package that every person is. But as you grow up we all learn that good-looking jerks should be avoided. t: I prefer a kind, well-mannered, intelligent and funny guy any day!

I do think that sometimes meeting the right person is down to dumb luck. When you meet the right person the relationship just happens naturally at its own pace. Just got to be patient and keep looking.

 

[ShadowBoxer]

Anyone tried putting up a dating ad on Craigslist? Have you actually gone on a date with someone you met from the site? If so, how did it go? I am not talking about hookers by the way lol. I have put up ads on Craigslist in the past, but most of the time got emails from spam/ porn bots , woman I wasn't interested in or compatible with , or actual hookers offering me their services ha ha. I never responded to the hooker emails in case you were wondering ha ha.

 

[Grabes30]

I can understand that Hobgoblin. My ex used to drop F-bombs all the time, and I'm like, "Really? How feminine is that?" Not an attractive quality for anybody. She was the one who turned out to be the bi-polar alcoholic, so.....plenty of good reasons to ditch her.

There are, in my eyes, hardly ever legitimate "man" things, or "woman" things....or for that matter "white", "black", "Asian" things, etc. People are people, and you have to take them one at a time. Immature idiots come in all shapes, sizes, races, and colors, and the sooner people realize that the better off we'll all be.

 

[DarknessOfDeath]

*peeks in* Hi...I don't know what else to say...except for the fact that I am in a relationship that's not really a serious one...um...but she's great...different than the women I've gone out with. Been going out since well...after my birthday last November. The last girl I was with broke my heart... she said I was better off without her cause she wasn't always there for me...so...yeah... damn...

 

[RetrogradeOrbit]

Since I got out of previous relationship back last September, I often think that it is a lot easier and simpler to be alone and not have the complications of having to factor in another.But then there are times when certain things happen and it would be great to have someone to share those with...

Actually, never mind me, I'm not making much sense right now. I'm having a really sh**ty day...