Mmmm, yeah you do. Everyone minds that.
No it's honestly something I can live without.
For instance, I dyed my hair last night right in front of him, got out of the shower, dryed it, and then kept fluffing it up and looking at him suggestively - to which he was completely oblivious. So I said 'well, what do you think' and he's like 'yeah, looks alright, can't really see much difference in this light' so I laughed, shook my head and said 'you're really not good with compliments are you' and he said 'yeah, sorry, i'm a bit of a compliment ******'.
That's fine. It fits with what I know about him.
But on the other hand, he is, in emotional situations, capable of giving great compliments.
When I was crying because of the death of yet another friend and the people from my home town are just so messed up - he comforted me by telling me that where I come from and the fact that I made it out, showed just how strong I was.
That compliment he MEANT.
And I find that much more important that the every day 'you look nice in that dress' comments.
It plain old sounds like you two are both not communicating very well and not very sexually compatible. It might not even be a personal slight against you. Some people just have a low libido, or NO libido. If the infrequency of sex is a problem, you have to lay it on the table. It might cause things to blow up, but if it's not going to work, then it's not going to work and it might as well end anyway. Of course, go the positive language route first, but if that doesn't work, if that doesn't make him snap to how important this is to you, you have to buck up and be honest that this is a relationship ending level issue. Better to potentially end it now than wake up in 5 years and you're having sex like 3 times a year.
I think the problem is that we are too similar.
We both have the same level of experience in this area and are therefore both needing improved confidence... but are kind of incapable of giving this to each other.
I mean, if I was with a more sexually aggressive person, i'd be more confident about exploring all sorts of things. But because he seems kind of unsure about things himself, i'm less confident about suggestions.
I actually have experience with this, because for the first month or so (yes, month) that we tried to have sex, my husband would have this problem. He would try to have a bit of wine (not much so I don't think it was the alcohol) to take the edge off before we would try, and it wouldn't help. He was just putting too much pressure on himself.
What you do, is that you DO NOT make it a big deal. I didn't pout that he didn't think I was hot, I didn't act disappointed, I didn't laugh at him. Even "How can I help?" is putting pressure on him, because you're implying that something's wrong with him and you need to fix it.
I was just like, "Let's just enjoy being together then, we have plenty of time to figure this out." And eventually he got comfortable around me and he very rarely has this issue now. One month of patience and understanding, in exchange for 5 years of an extremely supportive partner who always aims to please me, I think that's a good deal.
Oh I definitely already do this.
I didn't say 'how can I help?' just like that. He apologizes a lot and I always tell him 'No, that was great, don't worry about it/don't be silly'. He was obviously bothered by it, he was laying with his head on my chest and repeated for a second time 'well at least you enjoyed it' as though he was trying to console himself. And I just said 'Oh I wish I could help' because I just feel so helpless about it.
But i've never tried to put his issues down to lack of attraction to me, i've never acted disappointed or laughed at him (who would do that?
).
I've had too much experience of sleeping with medicated people in the past to be that bothered by erection issues myself, especially if it's not ALL the time.
I mean, we've had plenty of successful sex.
I like to think that I was the most awesome woman he had ever been with, and that's why he was so nervous at first.
Even though I was a virgin so it wasn't like I would have known anything else.
Women do not have to "perform" with something during sex that is completely unconscious on their part. So you have to start with his stress level and general mentality. If he KNOWS that you are not happy with the way sex is going lately, that is a negative feedback loop he can't get out of. When he tries to have sex with you, he can't perform. So he tries/initiates sex rarely, because he doesn't want that reminder. Then you're upset you don't have sex, then it's more pressure on him every time you DO have sex, then he can't get it up...repeat ad nauseum. I'm not surprised at all that he's having trouble and avoiding sex, if that is how it usually goes. So you guys have to break that loop.
It will take patience, and it will take understanding. Maybe it will take more patience than you have, but my experience is, it's possible to work through this, and it's up to you decide whether he's worth the effort to you.
That's exactly why I don't want to have a conversation about the issue unless I absolutely have to.
Cause it'll just cause more problems in that area.
Different strokes for different folks, really. For my husband, nothing seems to stop him once I get his imagination going. It doesn't matter what I wear, what my state of grooming is. I tell him what I want us to do....then that's it.
Whereas for me, anything with unhygienic bodily fluids is gross (and I'm not talking about sweat here...) and I don't want anything to do with that. And if I pounce on him in the morning and his breath is bad, I just don't kiss him.
And I actually want to avoid makeup during the deed, because I do pass out afterwards and then the pillow is a huge mess.
You do want to find out what gets HIM going, not necessarily what gets you going. Because that may be different, and you want to make sure whatever you're doing will have the most bang for your buck.
Yeah, that's definitely something I will try and bring up when I have a bit of dutch courage in my system at some point.
Maybe if I can find out a bit more about what he'd like to try and do it, he'll start being more confident in doing the things i've discussed. And I think the more we're doing that a sex becomes better, the more interested in it he'll be.
I mean, at the moment, the sex is just kind of bog standard and even a bit lazy. So maybe that's why he can take it or leave it.
Trust me if the man wants it bad enough he'll make sure he gets it. They have pills at the corner store for 5 bucks and trust me those things work.so I mean there are other ways to make sure that you get up for the occasion and you don't have to take them every single time you could just take them once and then once you get the nervousness out of your system you should be ok to perform whenever you want after that, at least for my experience
I really don't want him to get viagra...
