The Relationship Thread: Because Superhero Forums are Full of Sexperts! - - - - - - - - - Part 28

[Anita18]

Question, I heard that body language is big with girls specifically eye contact. Does it mean she likes you if she stares without looking away? There is a girl I know, and recently I noticed her staring at me from across the room. Then another time I was talking to someone across the room and she was talking to one of her friends. Once she noticed me I could kinda tell that she wanted me to come over and talk to her. Like she was staring me down like a hawk lol. I thought that if a girl likes you, they stare at you but look away when you look at them. I did go over and say hello and ask how she was, but that was pretty much it.

Recently, had an ackward momment with her like two days ago. I was doing some work outside with mutal friends and got kinda sweaty. She happened to be near by and did this high five that turned into a hug. I was like crap, I hope she doesn't think I am smelly on purpose. Also, during the hug hand accidentally brushed up aganist her boob lol. She played it off, but it was super ackward. Hopefully, she doesn't think I was some smelly dude trying to cop a feel ha.

Like with all folks, it depends on the person, you can't make sweeping generalizations. Do they stare at people a lot in general?

For me, if I find a guy good-looking, I can stare but that doesn't necessarily mean I want to talk to you. (Usually I think they're out of my league, so they're just eye-candy.) If I find you approachable AND cute, the stare will come with a shy smile. But that's just me, someone else might be different.


Once I felt up a dude's butt completely by accident. He was super awkward about it, but luckily I never saw him again (I was picking up a table he was selling on Craigslist). Believe me, it totally happens to other people!

 

[hopefuldreamer]

So took my boyfriend home to meet my mum and see my home town.

Been wanting to say it for a long time... and the weekend was going so nicely that I just had to say it.

So I dropped the 'L' bomb...

...and he isn't ready to say it back

He took it well, it's not like he got all awkward and started backing off... he was happy about it. And he said he does care about me a lot and doesn't want it to ruin anything.

But he just doesn't feel that way easily, and hasn't loved anyone outside of family, so it will take him longer.

I've said i'm fine with that and I just needed to say it, he doesn't have to say it back. And at least he's being honest...

But yeah I feel like a time needs to be set (in my head) where, if he still isn't able to say it by then, I'm gonna have to leave.

I don't WANT that. He's sweet and kind and affectionate and we live together so comfortably that I would love it if he'd just bloody well realise he does love me and say it back and we could stay together long term.

But I think I deserve to be loved. So... if he can't be that person, I guess i'll have to leave him.

But when?

After I meet his parents in Portugal? After our 1 year anniversary? After Christmas?

Before or after we move in together?

Where do I draw the line?

 

[ShadowBoxer]

Like with all folks, it depends on the person, you can't make sweeping generalizations. Do they stare at people a lot in general?

For me, if I find a guy good-looking, I can stare but that doesn't necessarily mean I want to talk to you. (Usually I think they're out of my league, so they're just eye-candy.) If I find you approachable AND cute, the stare will come with a shy smile. But that's just me, someone else might be different.


Once I felt up a dude's butt completely by accident. He was super awkward about it, but luckily I never saw him again (I was picking up a table he was selling on Craigslist). Believe me, it totally happens to other people!

Yea lol. I am thinking either she she was just looking or is interested. The only way for me to know for sure is to man up and ask her out to coffee or lunch or something and see how it goes.

 

[Pfeiffer-Pfan]

So took my boyfriend home to meet my mum and see my home town.

Been wanting to say it for a long time... and the weekend was going so nicely that I just had to say it.

So I dropped the 'L' bomb...

...and he isn't ready to say it back

''LOVE'' is just a word. I find it absurd that we feel the need to have our partners express it verablly as a way of measuring affection.

How is he physically with you? Is he attentive? Is he relaxed when he is around you?

Some people have difficulty being so transparent. I say let him love you in his own way and maybe one day he'll say it or write it or whatever.

 

[Anita18]

So took my boyfriend home to meet my mum and see my home town.

Been wanting to say it for a long time... and the weekend was going so nicely that I just had to say it.

So I dropped the 'L' bomb...

...and he isn't ready to say it back

He took it well, it's not like he got all awkward and started backing off... he was happy about it. And he said he does care about me a lot and doesn't want it to ruin anything.

But he just doesn't feel that way easily, and hasn't loved anyone outside of family, so it will take him longer.

I've said i'm fine with that and I just needed to say it, he doesn't have to say it back. And at least he's being honest...

But yeah I feel like a time needs to be set (in my head) where, if he still isn't able to say it by then, I'm gonna have to leave.

I don't WANT that. He's sweet and kind and affectionate and we live together so comfortably that I would love it if he'd just bloody well realise he does love me and say it back and we could stay together long term.

But I think I deserve to be loved. So... if he can't be that person, I guess i'll have to leave him.

But when?

After I meet his parents in Portugal? After our 1 year anniversary? After Christmas?

Before or after we move in together?

Where do I draw the line?

I'm personally with Pfeiffer-Pfan. Saying "I love you" is very different from living it.

The most important thing is his attention to your needs, IMO. I've seen relationships where people say all sorts of affectionate things to one another all the time, but it falls apart when it comes to the doing, because one partner (or both) isn't attentive to the other's needs on a regular basis. Words are cheap for most people, although for him it might be scary to say because he's never said it to someone before.

In the same vein, maybe you need to hear it because you've never heard it before from someone, but if he's still attentive to your needs in general, I would wait around. Just because he doesn't say it, doesn't mean you're not special to him.

I've been with my husband for 6.5 years, and we still don't say "I love you" that regularly. But we do show it to each other. I know how special I am to him, and that's the most important part, even if he doesn't say it outright.

 

[hopefuldreamer]

''LOVE'' is just a word. I find it absurd that we feel the need to have our partners express it verablly as a way of measuring affection.

How is he physically with you? Is he attentive? Is he relaxed when he is around you?

Some people have difficulty being so transparent. I say let him love you in his own way and maybe one day he'll say it or write it or whatever.

Love isn't just a word.

Love is how you feel. Saying the 4 letters out loud might be a word, but it's a word that expresses how you feel.

I mean, before I loved him, I liked him a lot. I thought we got on well together, he was funny and I was attracted to him and we had a lot in common and spending time with him was easy and enjoyable.

Now that I love him, I feel much more than that. For example - I sometimes find myself just smiling at him while he's sleeping. I think about him whenever i'm making plans. I try and arrange my social plans for when he's at work so his nights off I can spend with him. I like suprising him with little gifts and I feel so much more grateful when he's there when I need him... like him being there is more of a gift than it was before, when I just liked him (if that makes sense).

We're very affectionate together, very cuddly, kiss a lot (I don't mean snog, I just mean affectionate kisses every now and then throughout the day), playful together, easy going, tastes are the same etc. We're making all these plans together for holidays and moving in to a bigger place together... It makes no sense that he DOESN'T feel like he loves me.

But he doesn't.

He's still at the 'really like you' stage that I was at before.

And that's okay for now... I mean it stings, but that's besides the point. I think 9 months in, it's still okay for you to be finding your feet emotionally, especially if you haven't been there before.

But I don't want to be 2 or 3 years in, and still be with a guy who can't tell me he loves me... because it's still not true.

I'm personally with Pfeiffer-Pfan. Saying "I love you" is very different from living it.

The most important thing is his attention to your needs, IMO. I've seen relationships where people say all sorts of affectionate things to one another all the time, but it falls apart when it comes to the doing, because one partner (or both) isn't attentive to the other's needs on a regular basis. Words are cheap for most people, although for him it might be scary to say because he's never said it to someone before.

In the same vein, maybe you need to hear it because you've never heard it before from someone, but if he's still attentive to your needs in general, I would wait around. Just because he doesn't say it, doesn't mean you're not special to him.

I've been with my husband for 6.5 years, and we still don't say "I love you" that regularly. But we do show it to each other. I know how special I am to him, and that's the most important part, even if he doesn't say it outright.

Bingo.

I am waiting. He's earned that. I just don't know how long... because I feel like if I just stayed with him for years despite the fact he doesn't love me, then it'll be detrimental to my self confidence... like i'm just resigning myself to having nothing but unrequited love for the rest of my life.

 

[Anita18]

Love isn't just a word.

Love is how you feel. Saying the 4 letters out loud might be a word, but it's a word that expresses how you feel.

I mean, before I loved him, I liked him a lot. I thought we got on well together, he was funny and I was attracted to him and we had a lot in common and spending time with him was easy and enjoyable.

Now that I love him, I feel much more than that. For example - I sometimes find myself just smiling at him while he's sleeping. I think about him whenever i'm making plans. I try and arrange my social plans for when he's at work so his nights off I can spend with him. I like suprising him with little gifts and I feel so much more grateful when he's there when I need him... like him being there is more of a gift than it was before, when I just liked him (if that makes sense).

We're very affectionate together, very cuddly, kiss a lot (I don't mean snog, I just mean affectionate kisses every now and then throughout the day), playful together, easy going, tastes are the same etc. We're making all these plans together for holidays and moving in to a bigger place together... It makes no sense that he DOESN'T feel like he loves me.

But he doesn't.

He's still at the 'really like you' stage that I was at before.

And that's okay for now... I mean it stings, but that's besides the point. I think 9 months in, it's still okay for you to be finding your feet emotionally, especially if you haven't been there before.

But I don't want to be 2 or 3 years in, and still be with a guy who can't tell me he loves me... because it's still not true.

....

I am waiting. He's earned that. I just don't know how long... because I feel like if I just stayed with him for years despite the fact he doesn't love me, then it'll be detrimental to my self confidence... like i'm just resigning myself to having nothing but unrequited love for the rest of my life.

Honestly, you don't truly know how he feels, because you're not him. Some people are really s*** at parsing out their feelings and verbalizing them.

This is why actions are so important, to gauge how someone really feels about you. If he "just really likes" you, how he treats you won't be much different from how he treats anyone else on a superficial level. But IMO, if he loves you (even if he doesn't/can't say it) he will treat you like you're special to him. He will go out of his way to make you happy.

Even when my husband and I don't say "I love you" for weeks, the way he treats me makes it obvious how he feels about me. I'm obviously his soft spot.

 

[hopefuldreamer]

Honestly, you don't truly know how he feels, because you're not him. Some people are really s*** at parsing out their feelings and verbalizing them.

This is why actions are so important, to gauge how someone really feels about you. If he "just really likes" you, how he treats you won't be much different from how he treats anyone else on a superficial level. But IMO, if he loves you (even if he doesn't/can't say it) he will treat you like you're special to him. He will go out of his way to make you happy.

Even when my husband and I don't say "I love you" for weeks, the way he treats me makes it obvious how he feels about me. I'm obviously his soft spot.

No your right, I don't know how he feels. But I don't know how you tell that from how someone treats you really either...

He doesn't go 'out of his way' to make me happy because making me happy doesn't require him to do so

I mean, I guess coming to Minehead to meet my mum is the most he's gone out of his way to make me happy. But then... he sort of had to do that in order for me to come to Portugal with him, which is something he wants... so I don't know how you can tell if someone is doing things to make YOU happy, or doing things that make them happy when they suit them too.

I mean... what would class as him treating me like i'm special to him?

 

[Erzengel]

My wife say we love each other every day. I'm sure some people would think that's excessive or lessens the meaning or its a reflex but I don't see anything wrong with it.

 

[Anita18]

No your right, I don't know how he feels. But I don't know how you tell that from how someone treats you really either...

He doesn't go 'out of his way' to make me happy because making me happy doesn't require him to do so

I mean, I guess coming to Minehead to meet my mum is the most he's gone out of his way to make me happy. But then... he sort of had to do that in order for me to come to Portugal with him, which is something he wants... so I don't know how you can tell if someone is doing things to make YOU happy, or doing things that make them happy when they suit them too.

I mean... what would class as him treating me like i'm special to him?

Well, it doesn't take much to make me happy either, but when I'm stressed and overworked, he'll notice, then ask what he can do to help lessen my load. And it's also more obvious with my husband because he's honestly pretty awkward and antisocial. He easily blows up at people, but it's amazing the willpower he finds when it's me he's angry at. He's never blown up at me, preferring to leave to cool off so he can come back and we can have a rational discussion. That makes me feel pretty special. t:

And it's often the little things too, which are harder to notice. Why not ask your friends and your mum, now that she's met him? Parents (and other relatives who've known you all your life) often have a sixth sense about such things.

Because my husband is so antisocial and awkward, he didn't make the best first impression with my parents, but when they saw how we interacted, they accepted him pretty readily. My cousin said the same thing, after we all spent a few days together for Thanksgiving. He could tell my husband "cared for me" in little ways, as opposed to my sister's now-ex, who went along like my sister didn't exist most of the time.

My parents could sense that with my sister's ex too. They disliked him on sight, even though he was handsome and charming, made a ton more money than my husband and was much more famous than him in tech circles. (Basically, was the perfect guy on paper.) It was because they saw how my sister was babying him (which she does for NOBODY) and he didn't seem to reciprocate in kind with little behaviors. They wanted someone who would "treasure" their daughters, and apparently my husband was doing that while my sister's ex was not. Even my typically Asian (read: impressed by money and status) aunt and uncle didn't really like my sister's ex that much.

Just an idea.

 

[hopefuldreamer]

Thanks, and I will try and see things that way.

I just... I don't really want to be in the kind of relationship where I have to rationalise that he does love me, despite him saying he doesn't...

It makes me feel pathetic.

 

[Erzengel]

One way I could articulate what love is, is selflessness. Does he do things for you that makes his life harder or make him go out of his way without being asked or expectation of reward?

 

[Anita18]

One way I could articulate what love is, is selflessness. Does he do things for you that makes his life harder or make him go out of his way without being asked or expectation of reward?

That's exactly how I would describe it.

 

[hopefuldreamer]

I agree, which is exactly why I struggled with how I felt for so long too... because it's just the kind of easy relationship where he hasn't had to prove himself in that way yet.

I mean, I let him move in with me. That was a selfless act on my part but that's the biggest definable thing that has happened to us.

What would he have to do for me that would make his life harder exactly?

Can someone give me an example?

 

[Erzengel]

I work Mon-Fri til like 5:30-6. If my wife who works 12 hour shifts is working on her 2nd or 3rd day straight, I would drive her to work after I get home. Then pick her up on my day off the next day because sometimes she's exhausted.

 

[hopefuldreamer]

Yeah he doesn't drive so can't really help me with that. he works late, 5-midnight a lot of the time. I finish at 4 or 7pm and often wait up til he gets home so I can still see him before I go to bed (at he expense of my own sleep). But he can't really reciprocate that.

I don't know. He lends me money sometimes, but I think he'd do that if we were just friends.

I really don't know what he could be doing for me That would be a sacrifice to him.

 

[Anita18]

I agree, which is exactly why I struggled with how I felt for so long too... because it's just the kind of easy relationship where he hasn't had to prove himself in that way yet.

I mean, I let him move in with me. That was a selfless act on my part but that's the biggest definable thing that has happened to us.

What would he have to do for me that would make his life harder exactly?

Can someone give me an example?

It doesn't have to be a huge gesture.

For example, last week I was super stressed since I had a deadline and I couldn't make heads or tails out of the code I was working with. Obviously my husband couldn't help with that (we work on different platforms), but I also had a package I was late on mailing and couldn't find time during the day to do, so he offered to go to the post office and mail it express for me. He has a pretty set schedule and he hates waiting in line (ie where people are), so for him it was a selfless act.

The way my relatives described it, my husband accommodates me into his life and generally acknowledges what I would want in everyday situations. Whereas my sister's ex just went about his life like my sister didn't exist. I think that was the tipping point for them.

 

[hopefuldreamer]

I can't think of anything...

But since I can't think of many examples where he could have helped me but didn't, I don't really know if that helps me.

I can think of one example when he didn't. When it was 3 in the morning and I had bad cramps so intense I couldn't sleep and ended up going to the shop for painkillers
And he didn't offer to go for me.

It bugged me St the time but I just put it down to guy obliviousness.

But yeah, other than that I'm stumped.

 

[Erzengel]

Yeah he doesn't drive so can't really help me with that. he works late, 5-midnight a lot of the time. I finish at 4 or 7pm and often wait up til he gets home so I can still see him before I go to bed (at he expense of my own sleep). But he can't really reciprocate that.

I don't know. He lends me money sometimes, but I think he'd do that if we were just friends.

I really don't know what he could be doing for me That would be a sacrifice to him.

Everyone is different. People may not be programmed that way. I think Anita brought up the 5 languages of love. Verbal, gifts, time, service and touch. In the end it really seems you want verbal, touch and service?

 

[Anita18]

I can't think of anything...

But since I can't think of many examples where he could have helped me but didn't, I don't really know if that helps me.

I can think of one example when he didn't. When it was 3 in the morning and I had bad cramps so intense I couldn't sleep and ended up going to the shop for painkillers
And he didn't offer to go for me.

It bugged me St the time but I just put it down to guy obliviousness.

But yeah, other than that I'm stumped.

I think it would be a good idea to ask your mum, or some friends who've seen you together.

I can't think of any instances where my husband was "selfless" for me around my family, but they could still tell in the micro-interactions we had.

Everyone is different. People may not be programmed that way. I think Anita brought up the 5 languages of love. Verbal, gifts, time, service and touch. In the end it really seems you want verbal, touch and service?

Exactly. For me, the BIGGEST thing is acts of service, that's why I go when he offers to lighten my load. But not everyone is programmed to notice such things.

Here's the website: http://www.5lovelanguages.com/ You can see which ones you need, and consider if he's fulfilling them. In such cases, it isn't necessarily anyone's fault, but how you speak the same love language.

 

[hopefuldreamer]

Everyone is different. People may not be programmed that way. I think Anita brought up the 5 languages of love. Verbal, gifts, time, service and touch. In the end it really seems you want verbal, touch and service?

No I don't think that's true.

I'm only mentioning acts of service because you said selflessness was a way of telling if someone loves... and I just can't think of anything examples of that so don't think it's something I can gauge him by.

I don't care about consistent verbal that much. He has said he's not good with compliments and stuff and I'm okay with that. The rare occasions I get one mean more and I know he's not lying at least!

Wanting someone to tell you they love you is different.

Especially when we're not talking about them just failing to say it. But specifically saying they just don't yet.

 

[hopefuldreamer]

I think it would be a good idea to ask your mum, or some friends who've seen you together.

I can't think of any instances where my husband was "selfless" for me around my family, but they could still tell in the micro-interaction.

It differs.

My mum thought he was great. Sweet and warm and easy to be around. same with a lot of friends. And they say how happy we look together... cause we are cuddly and kissey and playful.

One of my friends thinks he us an arse and I could do better. She has since the beginning. And she's known him longer than me.

 

[Erzengel]

Consistency can be subjective. Saying I love you every few weeks works for couples like Anita. Not necessarily for me. But would you want him to say it only once every few months? Especially for 2 people who live together?

I'm not saying to dump him because he obviously cares about you. And who knows maybe he is in love and doesn't know how to process it. However, it does seem like his best language is touch?

 

[Anita18]

Wanting someone to tell you they love you is different.

Especially when we're not talking about them just failing to say it. But specifically saying they just don't yet.

Yeah if you believe that he doesn't love you full-stop and not that he's just shy or has trouble verbalizing how he feels, it comes down to what you like about being in the relationship vs what you need that he can't give you.

For the first year of being with my now-husband, I wondered if this was as good as I could expect, and seriously pondered if I was settling. But I couldn't think of a good reason to break up with him aside from him being boring and not very forthcoming with typical lovey-dovey gestures, and I was lazy so I didn't. Now I appreciate what he gives me, even if he is still not very forthcoming with typical lovey-dovey gestures. I'll take it. (Also turns out that we are both boring, haha.)

It differs.

My mum thought he was great. Sweet and warm and easy to be around. same with a lot of friends. And they say how happy we look together... cause we are cuddly and kissey and playful.

One of my friends thinks he us an arse and I could do better. She has since the beginning. And she's known him longer than me.

It also depends on your opinion of said friends and family and what sort of biases they might have. I have a type-A overachieving cousin, with super-high-expectation Asian parents. They've NEVER liked her husband, and they've been married for 10 years now, happily as far as I can tell. They've never liked him since the beginning. There was even drama on the wedding day because they didn't think he was good enough for her. And the ONLY THING I can possibly think of as to why they don't like him, is because he's an academic and doesn't make a lot of money. There is LITERALLY no other reason.

My mom was telling me this (she's the only one of the older generation who stands up for said cousin when everyone else is complaining about her husband) and I was like, "...I don't want to know what these relatives think of MY husband!" She says that Asian parents like that just don't get the whole emotional support thing.

 

[hopefuldreamer]

Consistency can be subjective. Saying I love you every few weeks works for couples like Anita. Not necessarily for me. But would you want him to say it only once every few months? Especially for 2 people who live together?

I'm not saying to dump him because he obviously cares about you. And who knows maybe he is in love and doesn't know how to process it. However, it does seem like his best language is touch?

Yeah I see you your point. I do want to be able to say it every day...

Not in an all serious way or anything but in a 'goodnight, love you' kind of way.

I mean, I say that to my friends so it feels odd not to say it to my boyfriend.