I think there is a lack of communication, but in terms of this guy, the whole I've only said love to my family and living with her for 9 months and almost dating a year and after her professing her love and being on a relaxing Holiday, in that context I think it's a red flag if not a huge off shoot of it. It'd be one thing if they were sporadically seeing each other while living apart.
Again this is me, this is her first relationship, if she sees potential in him to grow then she could stick it out.
Sure, but we don't really know if his moodiness and lack of reciprocity is a regular thing. Despite my husband's general moody demeanor every day about work/traveling/people/weather/etc, 99.9999% of the time, he softens when I show him affection when he's moody, so I know he knows I still love him.
Hopeful only mentioned that she feels that she doesn't love him if he isn't reciprocating affection to her. So I'm just going by that, and as far as I can see, it's a communication issue by him, and perhaps a trust/confidence issue with her.
But one of the reasons why I bring up school with her so much is because she says its her number 1 priority. She was on a dance team recently, that I felt was getting in the way of our relationship, as well as other responsibilities, such as house work that her mom gives her, taking care of her dog, and school, etc. We fought so much about that because she claimed it was just a hobby, and out of her three passions (singing, acting, and dancing) that was the only thing she felt good at, but it was because she had been dancing since she was 7. But her heart was more with the other two, and I saw it. I saw how she was only on the team to please her mom, and because her childhood friends were on it, but I never saw that passion or desire to be the best from it. And it took her failing 2 classes to see that I wasn't talking out of jealousy, but from a place where I was only trying to help her be happy.
She quit the team in January, to focus on school, and a couple of weeks later she was contacted by a friend of her mom's who knew a music producer so now she's working on that, and has been neglecting school a bit, and she's in the same predicament. And it just hurts me because I know that in May, she's most likely going to fail two more classes, and we created a plan to help her graduate next May, which would be her 7th year in school. And it sucks that I see her going down this path, and now she finally sees it, but it's too late. She could very well be kicked out of school if her grade drop anymore.
Ah yes, another basic tenet of human behavior: What people tell you is often VERY different from what they actually do. Never go by what people say to you. Their behavior will show the truth. (Or at least, combine what you hear when what you observe to make your own conclusions.)
In many cases, when people self-sabotage, I feel that it's because they're afraid of failure. Not failure in itself, because they self-sabotage after all. But they are deathly afraid of having to say
that they tried their best....and still failed despite their best efforts. By sabotaging themselves, they can look back and tell themselves, "Well, if only this-and-this had changed or happened, I might have made it!" NOBODY wants to think that they are incapable of doing something, full stop. So they give themselves handicaps, an out to excuse each failure instead of stepping up with 100% of their efforts.
I don't know her, but from what you've written, it sounds like she's so focused on proving herself to people - that she can do school but OH she can be successful working with this music producer too, that'll show people! - that she is unable to admit when she is unable to do things.
And lots of people have this issue. The only way out of it, I believe, is to be okay with yourself. There should be no need to prove yourself to anyone. You are enough as your are. And then set realistic goals for yourself.
Something I've tried to help her understand is, I'm not trying to do things for her. I understand that ADHD limits her, and I'm trying to know what I need to do. I remind her of things constantly because I know she has short term memory loss, but its not good enough. I've set alarms on her phone, I've called her at various times of the day to make sure she remembers to do certain things. The reason why I do so much is not to control her, but because I recognize that I have certain strengths and I'm trying to help her get better so that she can be independent. Her mom is a lot more like me, and I know she's gotten used to her mom doing everything for her. But she's 23, and I'm trying to see if this is what I have to look forward to for the rest of my life if we do get married, or if there will be change and we can both live our lives apart and come together to have the life we both want.
But that's still treating her like a child. You can only suggest (as someone with those strengths) that she set alarms on her phone, or have her ask you call her to remind her. The rest is up to her.
I am THE WORST when my parents nag me about things. As an adult, staying with them for more than a couple of days makes me feel like a useless child again, and I hate that feeling.
My husband doesn't nag me. In fact, he does the opposite. When we have somewhere to go and I still want to sleep in, he'll tell me that we need to go soon, then tuck the blankets around me some more.
Then I get up because he's just so kind and I've guilt-tripped myself into it.
There have been times where he's gotten more "nag-gy" about certain things, but we don't do the same "You never remember to do X!" song-and-dance about it each time. I suggest what will honestly help me remember something, then he does it to help me remember to do things. Like, I used to forget to put leftovers in the fridge (after it's cooled and he's gone to bed), so I suggested we put a wine bottle on my desk when I have to do it. I usually forget because I'm so focused on computer things, but I never have a wine bottle on my desk, so that reminds me. It isn't like I'm a failure because I need a reminder - each person just have to do what works for them.
And on top of that, there are the countless times she's lied about things, big and small, just to protect herself, but its to the point where I can't really tell if she's being honest. Like she'll complain about being cold, so I would remind her before she leaves in the morning to take a hat and scarf, and if I ask her if she has it, she'll say yes, but then if I see her later in the day, I'll ask what happened and she'll admit she never wore it in the first place. It's little things like that that continue to build to the point where if I see how a small issue like that turns into a big fight, how are things going to be if there's a serious offense. Like I've been there, next to her, in her house, in her bed, while her boyfriend was calling her and I've heard her lie to him, or to her mom about things to the point where I know how she thinks and acts and when something is up, and it's just a year after all the talks and fights that we've had about such issues, I just don't know at what point I'm supposed to say enough is enough.
Yeah, the lack of honest communication is going to be really hard. What I told you about my husband and I setting reminders for me, only works if there is open and honest communication between both parties. First, I have to admit that I need a reminder, and know myself well enough to suggest something that would really work for me. Then he has to be okay with using one, and not berate me for needing to use a reminder, etc etc.
It sounds a lot like she really hates to be wrong, which is why she has the whole hangup about school, and why she lied to you about the hat and scarf. She doesn't want to
be the kind of person who needs reminding - she wants to think that she's smarter/better/stronger than that.
There might also be a component of needing to please people, which may amount to lying to them, telling them what they want to hear instead of telling them a truth that may upset them. (And humans are notoriously bad at acting in their long-term interests, which is why she doesn't think about the resulting argument when you do find out the truth.)
If you started out having trust issues, this is going to be a long road, because her actions don't follow her words (which is a relatively minor and very common thing), and you already know that she will lie to get out of upsetting situations (which is much more serious), and apparently lots of big life issues can upset her. But you are going to have to trust that she's trying her best, and it's not the same thing as trusting what she says to you day in and day out.
I don't care if my friend with BPD changes her mind every week (which she does) - I trust that she's honestly expressing what she's feeling at that moment. I don't need her to be right. I do trust that she's trying her best, and that allows me to give her suggestions, because at least she is
trying.
Your gf has to want to be better. Not just look better on paper for other people (including you), but honestly change her behavior when something she does upsets you, or when she wants something in her life to change. And the first step is admitting when she's wrong or honestly needs another path, and it sounds like she hasn't quite gotten there yet.
