The Relationship Thread: Because Superhero Forums are Full of Sexperts! - - - - - - - - - Part 28

[Scarecrow_King]

To me dating is an exercise in gauging compatibility.

Asking do you see anything between us on the first date, yet alone prior to the first date is like you want to bypass the whole dating part and straight into a relationship. That's what it sounds like to me.

Take it easy. Go on a date. See if you enjoy their company. Then go on next date. Repeat until there is a feeling of compatibility then escalate it.

See, I'm of the mindset that if there's no interest, why waste my time. It might sound callous, but that initial feeling is an important factor to me.

I've had relationships that started as friendships develop over time, but I've found out in all of my cases that there was always mutual interest from the start, and it just took a little push to get us to act on it.

 

[Erzengel]

Wouldn't agreeing to go out be a sign of interest?

 

[Anita18]

Why does he have to ask her if he sees anything between them?

That puts her in a more uncomfortable position then saying hey do you want to grab coffee or dinner this weekend.

TRUTH.

See, I'm of the mindset that if there's no interest, why waste my time. It might sound callous, but that initial feeling is an important factor to me.

I've had relationships that started as friendships develop over time, but I've found out in all of my cases that there was always mutual interest from the start, and it just took a little push to get us to act on it.

People have different definitions of "interest" though. I only went on a date with my husband because he seemed nice and I thought he was cute. I wasn't already crushing on him or anything. Whereas some people want to be at the "devastating unrequited love" level before they say they're interested. So just asking them about it (using a wishy washy word) won't really give you an accurate picture.

Just ask them on a date and then see what happens. It's only one date, a few hours at most.

 

[Scarecrow_King]

Wouldn't agreeing to go out be a sign of interest?

Presumably, but it would depend on how it's framed. As long as it's clearly a date, then sure.

 

[Erzengel]

Not everyone can start off as friends. Even in the case of Shadowboxer, it doesn't seem to be fairly casual. They hang out in groups, they've never hung out by themselves. Shadowboxer would have to confirm it, but it doesn't sound like they talk on the phone or text.

You're not always going to have "assurances" when dating. Sometimes it's a co-worker, a friend of a friend, someone you barely know or someone you just met, you have to take a chance and see what happens.

 

[ShadowBoxer]

Not everyone can start off as friends. Even in the case of Shadowboxer, it doesn't seem to be fairly casual. They hang out in groups, they've never hung out by themselves. Shadowboxer would have to confirm it, but it doesn't sound like they talk on the phone or text.

You're not always going to have "assurances" when dating. Sometimes it's a co-worker, a friend of a friend, someone you barely know or someone you just met, you have to take a chance and see what happens.

Yea we only interact with each out at group social events. We don't have each other's phone numbers. The closest thing that I have to her number is that fact that we are Facebook friends. Which by the way she sent me a friend request literally like a few hours after I first met her.

 

[Grabes30]

That's a good sign, Shadow. At least you know she was thinking about you when you weren't around. I thought I could find a Youtube video of Homer and Grandpa Simpson's "Play It Cool" thing to insert here, but...not to be.

 

[AndThePickles]

Why not chat her up on Facebook? I think the key here is to start actually conversing with her/getting to know her. That will make it much easier to gauge interest level if you aren't interested in asking her out right away due to being shy.

Do NOT ask her if she could ever see anything developing between you two if you aren't even talking regularly.

 

[ShadowBoxer]

That's a good idea but I have no idea on what to say in a Facebook message lol.

 

[AndThePickles]

No sarcasm here: Seriously, just hit her up and ask her how her week is going. Reference something that happened the last time you saw her/an upcoming group get together, if you'd like. Let it lead into wanting to grab coffee if you're feeling bold

 

[Erzengel]

ATP Returns!!!

You can also ask her for her number over facebook as well. I know you're shy, but you've been hedging around this girl wanting to ask her out for about a year?

Even if she says no, at least you know and you can stop working yourself up about talking to her.

 

[AndThePickles]

Haha, I see it's still the same people offering advice around here...you know I had to find out if this thread was still around

 

[Erzengel]

Yeah only news is Nell got banned but doesn't seem to have changed his spots.

 

[AndThePickles]

I had a PM from knowsbleed from three years ago asking me to message him if I ever returned, but I see he is also banned #devastated

 

[Erzengel]

There's only a couple left, like a bunch of Joey Bishops remaining.

 

[Anita18]

Yeah only news is Nell got banned but doesn't seem to have changed his spots.

There's some progress with Nell. But I try not to get into it into detail with him, because the guy can't stand being wrong, so he'll make sure he loses, so he won't be wrong if the girl rejects him.

 

[PacificBoy]

Is he going out with another Chinese lady? He has a thing for East Asian women right?

 

[Anita18]

Is he going out with another Chinese lady? He has a thing for East Asian women right?

Yes, but she's not exactly what he pictured himself being with. I all but slapped him (over Facebook) and told him to just enjoy their time together and figure that stuff out later. Dude thinks too much.

 

[PacificBoy]

Yes, but she's not exactly what he pictured himself being with. I all but slapped him (over Facebook) and told him to just enjoy their time together and figure that stuff out later. Dude thinks too much.

Haha. I guess he's making some progress then.

 

[RetrogradeOrbit]

Yes, but she's not exactly what he pictured himself being with. I all but slapped him (over Facebook) and told him to just enjoy their time together and figure that stuff out later. Dude thinks too much.

That's interesting. Because that kind of describes my current situation. I have recently started dating a woman and in a number of ways she is not the kind of person I thought I would end up dating.
However, on the other hand she is so good in a lot of ways that I sometimes have to mentally slap myself and remind myself to just go with it and enjoy our time together.
It may or may not come to anything, but at the moment the time we spend together is good.

And yeah, I have tendency to over think stuff a lot of the time. I guess it must be a nerd/geek thing huh?

 

[ShadowBoxer]

You guys were right I just went ahead and sent her a message on Facebook seeing if she wanted to get coffee. She hasn't responded yet so I am nervous as but I am glad I finally did something!

 

[AndThePickles]

There's some progress with Nell. But I try not to get into it into detail with him, because the guy can't stand being wrong, so he'll make sure he loses, so he won't be wrong if the girl rejects him.

That's a shame, I honestly assumed he'd be in a successful relationship by now lol

 

[Erzengel]

I thought I'd end up with a girl who had dark brown hair, light eyes and alabaster skin. See Zooey Deschanel, Alexis Bledel, Liz Gillies and I ended up with a half black girl.

And Nell, always had these preconceptions that he really seemed to cling to. I hope if everything is right with this relationship he doesn't bungle it.

 

[Anita18]

That's a shame, I honestly assumed he'd be in a successful relationship by now lol

The issue goes much deeper than not looking like Channing Tatum... But at this point it's up to him to figure out that attractiveness to your preferred sex isn't related to your value as a person.

I thought I'd end up with a girl who had dark brown hair, light eyes and alabaster skin. See Zooey Deschanel, Alexis Bledel, Liz Gillies and I ended up with a half black girl.

And Nell, always had these preconceptions that he really seemed to cling to. I hope if everything is right with this relationship he doesn't bungle it.

Well, to be fair, it was more lifestyle and personality he had preconceived ideas about. I think we all do. I certainly expected to end up with someone more witty, creative, and fun-loving than my extremely nerdy, serious, sometimes moody husband.

At the end of the day, it's about acknowledging what you truly value in a relationship that's beyond looks or even superficial characteristics. I don't think I'd be happy in a relationship with just ANY nerdy, serious, extremely moody guy. In fact, the chances of that are extremely low. It's what my husband brings to the relationship that I love.

 

[ShadowBoxer]

I am attracted to girls of all races. But as you can tell from my avatar pic I am black. But the girl I was telling yall about is white. Which was also a shocker to me that she showing signs of interest in me like she has. Like I said, I been attracted to And crushed on many black, white, asian, hispanic girls so there is no discrinmation on my part. But I am aware and perfectly fine with the fact that people have their preferences etc. However I do take issue with folks that harrass people who may date outside of their race etc. I am like its 2015 not 1920 and two its none of your businesses who someone else chooses to date. Like I have black friends that get offended if they see a black person with a white person. And I seen white people get mad because another white person is with a black or Asian person etc. Really?