The Relationship Thread: Because Superhero Forums are Full of Sexperts! - - - - - - - - - - Part 29

[DarkSentinel]

It's more about me thinking the last text I sent her is the one that'll make her want to end things.

 

[Erzengel]

As long as it wasn't a dick pic. LOL

I think you need a drunk app for your texting.

You sure you want to send this?

You really sure?

Really?

You have to practice some self control otherwise it'd be a self fulfilling prophecy.

 

[DarkSentinel]

I'm not over texting or any of the kinds of texts you mentioned earlier

 

[ShadowBoxer]

Dark Sentinel bro you need to chillax. Take it from me being the creepy stalker dude that freaks out over texts from a girl is not a good look bro ha. I assume she is busy or something and isn't intentionally trying to blow you off. I would say at least give it until tomorrow. Then if you don't hear from her, shoot her another friendly text. But after that if she doesn't respond in like a day or two then I guess you can assume she is no longer interested.

 

[ShadowBoxer]

But for me dating wise it's harder for me to find that special gal.

A few barriers for me

1. I am black
As I mentioned many times before here, online dating doesn't work for us brothas. I get like no hits on Tinder, POF, Match, or eharmony ha ha. I get hits on craigslist oddly enough but it's usually girls I am not interested in, or way older women ( I am 27), or offers from hookers LOL.

2. As most of y'all should know by now, I am a man of faith.
So this also limits where I can look for females as my dating methods and standards are a bit different than other dudes.

3. I am shy and introverted around the ladies and that fear of rejection gets me every time I want to approach a girl I am interested in.

The only girl I encountered in like the past year and a half that sent my any sort of hints or vibes in the girl I originally told you all about that I met through mutual friends. And it's still a back and forth thing with her to this day. Sometimes there seems to be strong hints of her liking me MORE than just a friend and then it's other days when its just a friend thing. So I don't know what to do there. Asking her out is hard because things WILL get awkward if she says no and that friendship or whatever we have will be gone for sure. That's why I am trying to boost myself up and go to this POF event that is happening in my area on June 27th.

 

[Anita18]

My gf and I've been together for 4 years now. She lives with me and has for over 2 years. We have fun together, but there are many areas where we differ. That said, let me tell ya, the girl is still very much in love, nearly obsessive even. I can't even sit in a seat that's too far from her when were out with friends or she gets clingy. Now, she's the sweetest girl you could ever meet, but she's just very attached. And this is the issue. I don't feel the same way any more. I actually don't know if I ever did. But the last thing in the world I want to do is hurt her. The thought of breaking up with her is scary, because I honestly don't know how she'd react, or how she would recover moving forward, she is that attached.

It basically comes down to feeling like we're looking for very different things out of the future. She wants to be a house wife and work small odd jobs to help support us, while I want a partner, someone who I view as my equal and can exist on her own without needing me every second of the day. But to just tell her that, I feel would completely break her heart. She's a very sensitive girl who's had some emotional issues with previous relationships, and I have promised myself to never break a girl's heart again.

So that's it, more or less I feel held hostage, not wanting to be in the relationship, but not wanting to hurt her. I haven't been happy for a long time, and I know I owe it to myself to make steps towards my own happiness, and I know I even owe it to her to be honest with her. So what do y'all think I should do?? How do I let someone down without destroying them? Would it be better to get her so mad at me she has to do the breaking up (doubtful that would even work, she'll put up with a lot)? How do I help myself without completely casting her aside???

Don't know why I'm asking here, but if nothing else, it helped to type that all out

You can't promise to not break a girl's heart, because what if you're not compatible, as you might have found?

I can't say that I felt my husband was "the one" after one year like Erz said, but we did get along very well. I don't know if I'm "in love" like the movies say I should be. For a while, I was pretty sure I was "settling" and that I should break up with him because don't I "deserve more" (being swept off my feet and googly eyes and whatcrap) but I never did because I was too lazy and he's proven to be the most supportive person I could ever ask for. I'll take unconditional support over whatever the heck Hollywood says true love should be like.

So I guess what I have to ask is, why are you unhappy? Is it because you think you're settling, or because your gf won't change, even if you've asked her to try? Or because you've emotionally blackmailed yourself into a situation where you feel you can't get out? (I mean, it doesn't read like she's actually threatened to hurt herself if you broke up with her, it's you projecting those fears onto her.)

The first step would be to talk to her about your concerns. My husband, if left to his own devices, would be fine with working freelance for small clients for the rest of his life, but that won't pay our future mortgage nor for a future family. So he's looking into how to get jobs in larger industries. It doesn't mean that I'm forcing him into a career he doesn't want (if he wants to continue to work from home, fine by me!), but it's a different avenue for his efforts. He wants to build a future for us, it isn't all about what HE wants.

But if I'd just looked at the situation when we first dated, at this freelancer working small jobs, and decided that he didn't have ambition, I would have missed something very important. We needed to have the conversation first, so he could have a chance to change his trajectory.

Your situation reads to me like your gf has just up and decided she was going to be a housewife working odd jobs. But you live with her, you're going to build a life with her too. And it isn't about an equal partner being attractive to you personally, but also what's realistic. What if something happens to you? She'll have to learn to support herself, at the very least. No one in this day and age should be financially dependent on another person.

Before you make your final decision, at least have a talk with her about this. My sister was unhappy for 3 years in her last relationship, but she finally threw in the towel when it was clear he wouldn't change, after numerous conversations about it. She had tried.

It's also how you handle it. Everyone is different. If you text her a few times a day and aren't like "Where are you? You there? Please text me ASAP!!!" I think you're fine.

Agreed. It's obvious when it's desperate, and a few "How are you?" texts aren't bad.

I'm trying to calm down but I cant. I just can't. And if this thing ends after ONE freaking week it'll be because of me and to me it WILL be the end of the world because I'm getting too old to date and I'm tired of being single and I want this to work but I just want to know that she feels the same way but I don't want to smother her but dammit it's just freaking me out not hearing from her and all I want to do is see her one more time. I'm like an addict in need of a fix that I can't get...what the hell is wrong with me?

Yeah it's a catch-22 when you really want something to work...but wanting something to work won't make it magically work, ya know? (I heard "I just want something to work" from my sister, early on in that aforementioned relationship....she doesn't regret anything, but boy, 3 years of unhappiness from "just wanting something to work!")

It sounds like classic infatuation, really.

How old are you, anyway? You're never too old to date, even folks in nursing homes date.

 

[ShadowBoxer]

My friend still has all these attractive women chasing after him and all he says he hasn't found the right one. Man I wish I had his problem of women practically throwing themselves at him on a regular basis. Sometimes, I just want to strangle him Homer Simpson style when I see him turn down an attractive girl. WHY YOU LITTLE!!!!! I'LL TEACH YOU TO TURN DOWN ATTRACTIVE WOMEN WHEN US BROTHA'S OUT HERE STRUGGLING! LOL

 

[Anita18]

My friend still has all these attractive women chasing after him and all he says he hasn't found the right one. Man I wish I had his problem of women practically throwing themselves at him on a regular basis. Sometimes, I just want to strangle him Homer Simpson style when I see him turn down an attractive girl. WHY YOU LITTLE!!!!! I'LL TEACH YOU TO TURN DOWN ATTRACTIVE WOMEN WHEN US BROTHA'S OUT HERE STRUGGLING! LOL

My husband's one of those. Turns out personality is important for some guys, cause God knows I'm not nearly as hot as at least one girl he dated. Or maybe he just has a different scale than other people.

Some of us butterfaces get to have the pretty ones!

 

[ShadowBoxer]

My husband's one of those. Turns out personality is important for some guys, cause God knows I'm not nearly as hot as at least one girl he dated. Or maybe he just has a different scale than other people.

Some of us butterfaces get to have the pretty ones!

I am also one of those guys that's more attracted to personality more so than looks. But it doesn't hurt if she is attractive.

 

[GreenKToo]

I have the problem of my wife not understanding why i'm with her when i've been with all these hot girls ( her words not mine )
I just tell her, baby, you float my boat and I love your heart, and yes i think she is hot. ( she will stop and get turtles out of the highway, its little things like that that i love about her. )
We are at the point now where we will say the same thing at the same time or finish each others sentences.
When we first started dating we didnt hold back. You either click or you dont. Im not a patient man, no time for games

 

[PyroChamber]

Would any of you date someone who smoked?

 

[Erzengel]

Maybe when I was younger.

After dating a nurse, no.

 

[Anita18]

Would any of you date someone who smoked?

No. Smoke gets everywhere and it's an expensive way to greatly increase your cancer risk.

The second reason is also why I wouldn't date anyone who gets drunk on a regular basis. I just didn't grow up like that - my parents would have a COW if we "wasted" money like that.

 

[Erzengel]

I can't say that I felt my husband was "the one" after one year like Erz said, but we did get along very well. I don't know if I'm "in love" like the movies say I should be. For a while, I was pretty sure I was "settling" and that I should break up with him because don't I "deserve more" (being swept off my feet and googly eyes and whatcrap) but I never did because I was too lazy and he's proven to be the most supportive person I could ever ask for. I'll take unconditional support over whatever the heck Hollywood says true love should be like.

The one is a whole different subject and something I'm not necessarily sold that there can't be more than one one for anyone.

I was inferring to if you're in a 1 year relationship and you don't know if you're in love and want to be in a relationship.

That's not to say that it's time to set a date and buy a house or that you won't break up. But I think a year is substantial time to know that you want to continue being with that person and if not, maybe, you might have to reevaluate yourself or your relationship.

I know a girl who's been in a 2 year long distance relationship. He has a business in another country and she has to decide whether she has to abandon her life where she is to see if it works with him. But she's also has a close knit family and friends she'd be giving up.

It's a little bit different because it's long distance, but it is a s' or get off the pot point right now.

 

[RetrogradeOrbit]

I don't know you well, Retro, but you seem like a pretty chill guy from your posts here. So I think 'be yourself' is probably the best piece of advice. As for nerves, I personally find embracing it and parlaying it (usually into humour) better instead of playing it off.

Thanks! I did actually try to do that and it did kind of help.
In the end, we just hit it off so well right off of the starting blocks that we were perfectly comfortable with one another by the time we got to a bar, ordered our drinks and sat together on a nice little sofa.
We were pretty much ready to hold hands and snuggle up close... t:

The whole day was actually so amazing. She surprised me at the front door by wearing a lovely dress which was like a "little black dress" but instead of being black it had a collage of Marvel superheroes all over it.
I had a jokey speech which I was going to use when she opened the door to me. But the dress took my breath away and I think all I managed to utter was "Wow!"

I managed to surprise her when I gave her a single red rose though.

She further surprised me by having booked tickets for us to go and see Age of Ultron... There was virtually just the two of us in the cinema.
We kind of had a joke running between us with relation to that particular dress of hers and the movie. Although we both love the movie as well.

There was lots of walking around, holding hands, the occasional kiss, laughing, talking, joking, taking the piss out of each other.

To say "thank you" for the movie surprise, I took her out to dinner afterward.

And we finished off the evening by just chilling at her place for a while, watching Dexter. Which we both love...
The only downer was when I had to get back into my car for the drive home.

We both had a great day and it was pretty much the best date I have ever experienced in my life!
I can only hope we get to do this again and soon!

 

[BoredGuy]

So I guess what I have to ask is, why are you unhappy? Is it because you think you're settling, or because your gf won't change, even if you've asked her to try? Or because you've emotionally blackmailed yourself into a situation where you feel you can't get out? (I mean, it doesn't read like she's actually threatened to hurt herself if you broke up with her, it's you projecting those fears onto her.)

The first step would be to talk to her about your concerns. My husband, if left to his own devices, would be fine with working freelance for small clients for the rest of his life, but that won't pay our future mortgage nor for a future family. So he's looking into how to get jobs in larger industries. It doesn't mean that I'm forcing him into a career he doesn't want (if he wants to continue to work from home, fine by me!), but it's a different avenue for his efforts. He wants to build a future for us, it isn't all about what HE wants.

But if I'd just looked at the situation when we first dated, at this freelancer working small jobs, and decided that he didn't have ambition, I would have missed something very important. We needed to have the conversation first, so he could have a chance to change his trajectory.

Your situation reads to me like your gf has just up and decided she was going to be a housewife working odd jobs. But you live with her, you're going to build a life with her too. And it isn't about an equal partner being attractive to you personally, but also what's realistic. What if something happens to you? She'll have to learn to support herself, at the very least. No one in this day and age should be financially dependent on another person.

Before you make your final decision, at least have a talk with her about this. My sister was unhappy for 3 years in her last relationship, but she finally threw in the towel when it was clear he wouldn't change, after numerous conversations about it. She had tried.

The feeling of having settled was probably part of it.

When I met her, she was only 20, and there's a bit of an age gap as I was 27. A lot of behaviors I had hoped were due to her youth and inexperience, and so I gave her a pass and told myself "she'll grow up and figure it out". The first time we ever had the marriage conversation, I told her "not until you're at least 25" hoping that would give her time to grow and figure her s**t out. But now she's 24, a college dropout, and has been unemployed for nearly a year; she has no ambition or ideas for her future whatsoever, outside of marrying me.

So based on all that, my decision seems easy right? Not so much. Because she is so sweet, and so supportive, not to mention sensitive, I can't get myself to hurt her. She's had a lot of drama and hardship in her life, both from a messed up family and some piece of s**t exes. So, even when I'm super pissed off in an argument, I back off once the waterworks start. We have had the conversations many times about what she needs to do to move on with her life and get our relationship back on track, but it always breaks down into her having some sort of anxiety attack.

Basically, like you say, I have emotionally blackmailed myself, as I care too much to hurt her, but the longer I continue hiding my feelings and ignoring the problem, the worse it will get.

I just kinda wish there was a way to make her utterly disgusted with me so its her choice to leave, like not shower ever again and see how long she lasts lol

kidding, I just feel so stuck
and once again, thanks to SHH and you guys for lettin me vent

 

[Anita18]

The feeling of having settled was probably part of it.

When I met her, she was only 20, and there's a bit of an age gap as I was 27. A lot of behaviors I had hoped were due to her youth and inexperience, and so I gave her a pass and told myself "she'll grow up and figure it out". The first time we ever had the marriage conversation, I told her "not until you're at least 25" hoping that would give her time to grow and figure her s**t out. But now she's 24, a college dropout, and has been unemployed for nearly a year; she has no ambition or ideas for her future whatsoever, outside of marrying me.

So based on all that, my decision seems easy right? Not so much. Because she is so sweet, and so supportive, not to mention sensitive, I can't get myself to hurt her. She's had a lot of drama and hardship in her life, both from a messed up family and some piece of s**t exes. So, even when I'm super pissed off in an argument, I back off once the waterworks start. We have had the conversations many times about what she needs to do to move on with her life and get our relationship back on track, but it always breaks down into her having some sort of anxiety attack.

Basically, like you say, I have emotionally blackmailed myself, as I care too much to hurt her, but the longer I continue hiding my feelings and ignoring the problem, the worse it will get.

I just kinda wish there was a way to make her utterly disgusted with me so its her choice to leave, like not shower ever again and see how long she lasts lol

kidding, I just feel so stuck
and once again, thanks to SHH and you guys for lettin me vent

First off, I actually believe someone's ambition and personality usually manifest waaaay before 20. I would actually say high school or even middle school, you get an idea of someone's ambition level. It's rare that someone knows exactly what they're going to do at that age, and work ethic can be grown into, but you get an idea of if they want to make a difference, if they love learning, or if they just want to follow the status quo.

Second, she will have to want to work on her anxiety to build a future for herself, let alone with another person. I've heard from other SAHMs that being a SAHM is NOT a walk in the park. It's not a way to avoid anxiety. She can't cry or panic attack her way out of a crying baby.

It won't be easy, but she has to TRY. I have a friend in her mid-30s with anxiety and debilitating panic attacks from job searching and being "stuck" in life. I stick around because she's trying to get better. I have nothing to offer if she wasn't trying herself.

So ask her if she's willing to try. It isn't enough that she's supportive to you - she has to be able to take care of herself. You can't take care of her all on your own, especially if you get married and have kids and her anxiety is still untreated.

 

[BrollySupersj]

Would any of you date someone who smoked?

I once dated a girl who smoked. She also had this habit of wanting to kiss and make out after a smoke.

NEVER. AGAIN.

 

[DarkSentinel]

Agreed. It's obvious when it's desperate, and a few "How are you?" texts aren't bad.


Yeah it's a catch-22 when you really want something to work...but wanting something to work won't make it magically work, ya know? (I heard "I just want something to work" from my sister, early on in that aforementioned relationship....she doesn't regret anything, but boy, 3 years of unhappiness from "just wanting something to work!")

It sounds like classic infatuation, really.

How old are you, anyway? You're never too old to date, even folks in nursing homes date.

28 in August and in all honesty if this doesn't work out I'm just going to give up on dating because its just not worth it and more than likely I'll die of a heart attack due to the stress.

 

[Anita18]

28 in August and in all honesty if this doesn't work out I'm just going to give up on dating because its just not worth it and more than likely I'll die of a heart attack due to the stress.

28's still young when it comes to dating. If you want to be in a relationship, this is the kind of stuff you have to go through. It sounds like this girl likes you, but all of your future relationship dreams can't ride on this.

 

[Erzengel]

First off, I actually believe someone's ambition and personality usually manifest waaaay before 20. I would actually say high school or even middle school, you get an idea of someone's ambition level. It's rare that someone knows exactly what they're going to do at that age, and work ethic can be grown into, but you get an idea of if they want to make a difference, if they love learning, or if they just want to follow the status quo.

Second, she will have to want to work on her anxiety to build a future for herself, let alone with another person. I've heard from other SAHMs that being a SAHM is NOT a walk in the park. It's not a way to avoid anxiety. She can't cry or panic attack her way out of a crying baby.

It won't be easy, but she has to TRY. I have a friend in her mid-30s with anxiety and debilitating panic attacks from job searching and being "stuck" in life. I stick around because she's trying to get better. I have nothing to offer if she wasn't trying herself.

So ask her if she's willing to try. It isn't enough that she's supportive to you - she has to be able to take care of herself. You can't take care of her all on your own, especially if you get married and have kids and her anxiety is still untreated.

I wonder even if she did get her act together, is this the outlining issue with her? Or is there more.

28 in August and in all honesty if this doesn't work out I'm just going to give up on dating because its just not worth it and more than likely I'll die of a heart attack due to the stress.

You have to just breath. I knew a guy who had his first gf, got married, and had a kid, all within a like 2-3 year time span and he was 28-29.

I can somewhat empathize, I use to chase women and it happened on more than 1 occasion that they would flake out on me. So I use to be ultra paranoid that they would cancel on me.

By the time, I met my wife, those insecurities went out the window because she would initiate things, like calling or just stopping over.

It seems you really need those types of reassurances and maybe this girl may not be compatible with you because she's super busy. So either you take a step back and put some trust in her and your "relationship" or you do find someone who constantly checks on you to alleviate your anxiety.

 

[RetrogradeOrbit]

I once dated a girl who smoked. She also had this habit of wanting to kiss and make out after a smoke.

NEVER. AGAIN.

Agreed a thousand times over...

 

[DarkSentinel]

So I sent her a BvS manip today and she liked that, but when I tried to make plans she won't reply. This is what's frustrating me. I only have two days off this week and I want to spend at least a LITTLE of that time with her but she won't ****ing make plans. I HAVE to have everything planned so I can best utilize my time. What gives?

 

[Anita18]

So I sent her a BvS manip today and she liked that, but when I tried to make plans she won't reply. This is what's frustrating me. I only have two days off this week and I want to spend at least a LITTLE of that time with her but she won't ****ing make plans. I HAVE to have everything planned so I can best utilize my time. What gives?

Some people just don't plan ahead as much as others. I'm a planner, my husband is not. You learn how to deal.

 

[DarkSentinel]

So we talked and lo and behold she preempted ME. She still wants to be with me and I agreed to be a little looser with her spontaneous nature.