The Relationship Thread: Because Superhero Forums are Full of Sexperts! - - - - - - - - - - Part 29

[SpideyVille]

Me and my girlfriend have talked things out and made up, only to break up hours later. The lastest incident involves her postponing plans what we've had for over a month because she's been on the road every weekend for the past month. She's starting this new singing career now, and her agent keeps booking shows during the weekend, and some out of state. We had a huge fight this whole weekend because I didn't find out the plans were cancelled until the last minute, but on top of that, she's taking a summer class because I've been pushing her and supporting her desire to finally graduate college after 7 years. She's got one year left, but she's still failing half her classes, and the biggest culprit has been poor time management.

This weekend she needs to work on two big papers, but she also has two shows and she made plans with me before anything was booked. Now she's made because I won't compromise and see her on Friday and Sunday. I told her I may get a call to work on Friday because I've been desperately looking for a job and there's a good chance I'll be at work on Friday, and Sunday is the last day she has to do everything for her summer class. Her event on Saturday is from 4pm to 2am, meaning she's going to be busy getting ready and being there all day and night, and that was supposed to be our day.

I just don't know what to do. She's telling me she won't put me ahead of her "career" but she's not making any time for her priorities outside of music, and if it weren't for my constant help, she probably wouldn't be anywhere close to graduating in the next year like she hopes to. It just sucks because I really need her right now, and I'm tired of always having been on the side for the past year while she fills up her schedule.

 

[Black Narcissus]

Link to your gf music?

 

[RetrogradeOrbit]

You should talk to her. Communicating your feelings via text is a very bad idea.

Totally agreed.
Even if it is not going to be a good conversation. It has to be at least done by telephone or in person.

 

[Anita18]

Dark Sentinel

This girl that you're with, might be pretty, fun, smart etc., but she may not be the one for you. It might be her and not you. You need someone who gives you more attention and honestly you seem to need it.

Very true. When we first started dating, the hubs and I went weeks without seeing each other, but it was fine and neither of us were freaking out. (As far as I know. At least I wasn't freaking out....)

Not sleeping and not eating isn't healthy, but honestly, if your girl is a workaholic, it's going to be a hard road. Some people do need more attention than others, and a workaholic just isn't going to give that to you.

Me and my girlfriend have talked things out and made up, only to break up hours later. The lastest incident involves her postponing plans what we've had for over a month because she's been on the road every weekend for the past month. She's starting this new singing career now, and her agent keeps booking shows during the weekend, and some out of state. We had a huge fight this whole weekend because I didn't find out the plans were cancelled until the last minute, but on top of that, she's taking a summer class because I've been pushing her and supporting her desire to finally graduate college after 7 years. She's got one year left, but she's still failing half her classes, and the biggest culprit has been poor time management.

This weekend she needs to work on two big papers, but she also has two shows and she made plans with me before anything was booked. Now she's made because I won't compromise and see her on Friday and Sunday. I told her I may get a call to work on Friday because I've been desperately looking for a job and there's a good chance I'll be at work on Friday, and Sunday is the last day she has to do everything for her summer class. Her event on Saturday is from 4pm to 2am, meaning she's going to be busy getting ready and being there all day and night, and that was supposed to be our day.

I just don't know what to do. She's telling me she won't put me ahead of her "career" but she's not making any time for her priorities outside of music, and if it weren't for my constant help, she probably wouldn't be anywhere close to graduating in the next year like she hopes to. It just sucks because I really need her right now, and I'm tired of always having been on the side for the past year while she fills up her schedule.

Well and there's your answer. She has to live her own life. If she won't get her priorities straight and manage her time better, you can't do that for her.

It sounds like she's pretty self-centered, meaning that she doesn't take your needs and wants into account. It's going to be hard being in a relationship with someone like that. My sister's former bf was like that. Despite the chemistry they had, she just couldn't make it work with someone who didn't want to make it work with her. Everything revolved around him, nothing was EVER his fault. She wasn't the kind of person to just cater to someone else fully like that. (It actually bothered us seeing her attempt to be that kind of person around him!) It surprised absolutely no one when they broke up, despite them being perfect for each other on paper.

 

[ShadowBoxer]

It's more difficult for me to date because my standards for dating are much different from most people. I am 27 but I am weird or old school ( by today's standards at least) I plan on waiting until marriage before having sex, and I don't engage or believe in one night stands or random hook ups. I am also not really into the bar night club scene. I mean I will go if a friend invites me, but I typically don't stay long. So my only real options on meeting a girl is either through mutual friends, online dating site ( which has been a massive fail so far) or maybe work or church. It doesn't help that my family is always along me when I am gonna start dating and get married lol.

 

[Erzengel]

Does your church have like singles functions?

 

[ShadowBoxer]

Does your church have like singles functions?

Yea they have young adult events for ages 18-30ish and we have parties out at different venues or social gatherings every so often.

 

[Anita18]

Yea they have young adult events for ages 18-30ish and we have parties out at different venues or social gatherings every so often.

Then try one of those.

 

[Erzengel]

And if there isn't one at your church, try the next closest church of the same denomination.

Or try one of those Christian online matching places.

 

[SpideyVille]

Well and there's your answer. She has to live her own life. If she won't get her priorities straight and manage her time better, you can't do that for her.

It sounds like she's pretty self-centered, meaning that she doesn't take your needs and wants into account. It's going to be hard being in a relationship with someone like that. My sister's former bf was like that. Despite the chemistry they had, she just couldn't make it work with someone who didn't want to make it work with her. Everything revolved around him, nothing was EVER his fault. She wasn't the kind of person to just cater to someone else fully like that. (It actually bothered us seeing her attempt to be that kind of person around him!) It surprised absolutely no one when they broke up, despite them being perfect for each other on paper.

The thing is ... she's a complete people pleaser. But I tell her all the time that she's pretty selfish, and sometimes she agrees and says she will do better. But with me, I feel like I've been the only one pushing the relationship forward.

At this point, I feel like the only way for us to get along is for me to shut off a lot of things and feelings within, because as much as she claims and says she loves me and wants me in her life, I don't see her doing much to show me that.

 

[RetrogradeOrbit]

And that's a textbook description of a one sided relationship SV

The question is, how much of your life, time and feelings are you willing to put into it hoping things will improve?

 

[SpideyVille]

And that's a textbook description of a one sided relationship SV

The question is, how much of your life, time and feelings are you willing to put into it hoping things will improve?

That's exactly what pisses me, I'm two years older than her and I feel like I'm wasting time by waiting on her constantly. I'm 26 and I want to see myself years into a stable relationship by the time I'm in my early thirties, but instead I've pushed away several promising opportunities to be there for her, but I'm not seeing that in return. I regret the fact that I've put her first on so many occasions.

 

[RetrogradeOrbit]

SV it sounds like you have a tough call to make.

Go with what your heart and mind tell you and no matter how painful it might be, do it and do it soon.

Best of luck.

Just as a warning...
I wasted too many years of my life in the hope someone would change and our situation would become better.
It never happened. And I should have got out way sooner.

However, I can't complain. My life right now is brilliant. t:

 

[Erzengel]

That's exactly what pisses me, I'm two years older than her and I feel like I'm wasting time by waiting on her constantly. I'm 26 and I want to see myself years into a stable relationship by the time I'm in my early thirties, but instead I've pushed away several promising opportunities to be there for her, but I'm not seeing that in return. I regret the fact that I've put her first on so many occasions.

Promising opportunities like other women? Or potential employment?

 

[RetrogradeOrbit]

I was assuming women, but it could just as easily be job related...

 

[SpideyVille]

It's employment. About a year ago when we first started talking, the stage manager from the show we were in referred me to some one at a Children's Theater who needed some set design done and thought I could help. That woman also set me up to meet a professional artist. I had a meeting set up with him early one morning, but the night before, I had taken her home and that was when things started to seem like they were getting serious. I didn't get home until 3am that night and completely missed the meeting the next morning. I tried to set up another meeting, but I couldn't get in contact with the guy. Since things started getting more serious, and this was the first time I ever felt reciprocation from a girl, I started spending more time with her after rehearsals, which ended late enough, and I didn't have time to even start working on the set design stuff, so I completely lost that opportunity.

A few months later I got a call because this woman's sister needed someone to do some graphic and web design for her small architecture firm. I started doing that, but right around that time, my girlfriend's ex started reappearing and since me and her weren't official yet, he thought he could pick up where they left off. She let him know that nothing was going to happen, but then he started telling her he was at her school to pick her up and take her out, so I felt like I needed to be around her a lot just in case he tried to pull some crap, because he was very controlling like that, and because she is just too nice and didn't know how to put her foot down with people, I felt like I needed to be there for her. Needless to say, that internship ended after a couple of months and I didn't have any other job opportunities available, but our relationship started getting worse after that because she was doing more shows with her dance team and was neglecting a lot of her responsibilities, like household stuff, schoolwork and friends, along with me. Her mother basically told her not to hang out after class with anyone because she knew she was struggling with classes, but my girlfriend blamed me for long time on why she wasn't close to her friends anymore.

I also did a temp job a few months ago, and it was just so stresasful because hse had started to say that the reason why she wasn't pushing herself in school was because she was waiting for me to get a job so she could do it on her own. But she was still neglecting stuff, this time because she was more focused on writing a song for this music deal that was just given to her. But the result at the end of the semester was exactly the same, despite her "new attitude" she was taken towards school.

I know I talk a lot about her and school, and it's not always for everyone, and she does have a learning disability, but to me, I see signs of neglect, laziness, and a misguided sense of priority in everything she does. I've tried to help her, mostly because I see simple solutions to her problems that shouldn't take too long to readjust in order for a positive solution. But for some reason, a simple problem ends up taking weeks to fix, and even then, there isn't much progress. I feel really bad because she has a good heart and isn't malicious on purpose, but I see so many issues with her that seem beyond her control and I just don't know if she's capable of changing.

 

[Erzengel]

I think Anita said that you can't live her life for her. She has to make her own decisions and follow through.

With most relationships, it's helpful to not only grow as a couple but as people. One person shouldn't be holding back from progressing with their career for another person. There are examples, working a job trying to put someone through school, and then you'll go to school and they will pay.

You're 26 and probably should be forwarding towards your career. You don't want to be 30, doing temp jobs trying to work around her. Sometimes you do have to choose and it's not always easy.

It's up to her to grow up and learn how to balance, work, school, relationship or realize she can't and cut one out. It's not really up to you to do it for her. You gave her advice, constantly and if she still spinning her wheels, that's her not you.

I don't think there's anything wrong necessarily with you moving forward in your career. You have to remember you should try and be settled because I know one of your dreams is just to move out of your mother's house.

 

[SpideyVille]

Yeah, she's seen first hand how crazy my family is, and I'm thankful in some sense that she hasn't run for the hills. But we had spoken about me doing what I need to to get out and I had spoken to her about her possibly moving out with me next year since she has a ton of issues with her family too, but she was hesitant. I told her I couldn't do it on my own, and she was telling me how she was never going to get a stable job in an office because she wanted to perform, as if I ever told her she needed an office job. I am an artist and have realized that selling paintings or photos isn't going to pay the bills right now or get me out of here.

But there have been so many red flags now that I never knew existed based on our first few months together. I told her I want a family in 5 years. Not yet, but in 5 years, I wanted to have my first child, but she wants to perform and I told her, based on how much she goes out now, that I'm not going to feel like a single father, working to support my family and I'm the only one putting in work. Plus, I've noticed that she hasn't really worked for anything in her life. She's always had someone do the heavy work for her. She doesn't like it, but she also doesn't do anything about it either.

I spoke to her when I started my last temp job and told her that was her opportunity to prove that she can handle things, and she didn't. Now, I have an interview tomorrow and may land a temp/on going job for the summer which I desperately need, and I've told her, with her schedule, and her inability to speak up to her agent, I can't afford to wait anymore. I just wish she would make decision for herself for once to let something go. Every boyfriend she's had ended up breaking up with her, with the exception of the last one, who she only broke up with a month after starting with me, was because she had me to push her after I was ready to move on.

 

[Erzengel]

You have to be careful, even not with this girl. Having a 5 year plan doesn't always work out, especially planning a family. I mean in the next 5 years, you think you can have a stable job, your own place, married and a child? I don't know the extent of your current situation but is that realistic?

 

[Anita18]

Having some kind of plan isn't a bad idea - I'm at the age where we have to seriously start thinking about how we're going to have a family because female fertility goes down a ton after 35. And I don't think we'll have the money for IVF.

But first things first, such as a job that will lead to something better. Doesn't have to be a career-making move, but something that you can feel good in investing in.

The fact that she isn't willing to meet you halfway is a SERIOUS red flag. My cousin is in med school in Atlanta for the next 3-4 years and his wife lives/works in San Francisco. Not everyone is willing to be that extreme, but that's an example of partners supporting each other, and not holding each other back.

My husband has been making noises about moving out of LA but since I have a job here, he's willing to stay. But if he found a great job in another city, or heck, another state or country, I wouldn't use the "we need to be together!" line to hold him back. I would ask about how this would get us closer to where we want to be aka the family thing, but that's a different question.

 

[Erzengel]

Plans are good.

Having a 5 year plan when everything is in flux?

Maybe it's better if he focused on one thing at a time?

 

[DarkSentinel]

I'm just going to operate under the assumption that she's just not interested in me anymore.

 

[DJ_KiDDvIcIOUs]

I'm just going to operate under the assumption that she's just not interested in me anymore.

You, my friend, need to do the Tinder stroll. Just swipe right on every damn thing and only respond to the hotties that hit you up. You'll be swimming in the ladies in no time. I have a lot of friends that hook up that way

 

[DarkSentinel]

I don't want to hook up, Deej. I want a relationship. Plus I hear Tinder is pretty stupid.

 

[Fallen Angel]

I don't want to hook up, Deej. I want a relationship. Plus I hear Tinder is pretty stupid.

You go from a hook up into a relationship. No one start's off in one.