The Relationship Thread: Because Superhero Forums are Full of Sexperts! - - - - - - - - - - Part 29

[moviedoors]

But that's just it, I'm not trying to do anything for her. Yesterday morning we had a serious conversation about the past year and how we both messed things up and how we both are going to work towards making it better. But then I call her on my lunch break and we're talking, but as soon as I mention the weekend, she shut down and wanted to be alone and in her bubble. It feels like the closer and closer we get, the faster she goes into that bubble.

At this point, I don't know what's going on, and she doesn't know either. I don't want to jump immediately to cheating, but it makes no sense that she would want to see me today, but not for the next two weeks. One minute she says it's because her mother doesn't approve of us, and that I need to talk to her and smooth our relationship, despite the fact that her mother makes it a point to disrespect me in public, but then she says I'm never going to change her mother's mind. Then she says she loves me but isn't in love with me because of the past year, but she doesn't want to break up with me.

At the end of the day, all I want to do is be there for her, but she won't even talk about it to the point where I can know what she wants from me. She wants me to disappear for a day, but come back for tomorrow. And the worst thing is that I haven't been forcing or pressuring her about anything lately. I've been trying a lot harder than I have been for the past year and when we're together, it's great, but its horrible when we are not.

Dan Savage has a phrase for this: DTMFA or Dump The Mother F***er Already. You've tried actively helping, you've tried giving her space, and it's clear from your post history, that you're not happy in this relationship, or at best, fleetingly happy with long stretches of the grim. This girl has some issues to work out, and you're presence actually seems like it's going to be detrimental to her ever getting there. You're her drama sponge. Don't be.

 

[RetrogradeOrbit]

I've gotta say I agree with you moviedoors.

Long term, that relationship is going to be toxic for SpideyVille. Because whether the girl means to or not, she will drag him down and take all his self worth and confidence away in an effort to make herself feel better.

I've got years of personal experience in that area, being on the receiving end of such behaviour. I wasted too many years of my life putting up with it.
Best thing I ever did was to get out.

 

[Erzengel]

If this behavior was few and far between that's one thing. If she keeps going to into her bubble and shutting you out, that's not healthy and you can't make up for it by overextending.

She sounds like she needs to talk to someone, professionally. She doesn't want to do this. So she's not even looking to help herself.

Also, Anita mentioned it, going to an extreme as to breaking up with you because she can't deal with a specific topic is unhealthy.

There's nothing you can do that will fix her. You can't act a certain way, treat her a certain way and expect the hills to outnumber the valleys.

If you want to stay and deal with this, that's up to you, but there's no changing her until she wants to change herself. But if she doesn't, Retro has a point, she may drag you down with her into unhappiness, even if it's unintentional.

 

[Anita18]

But that's just it, I'm not trying to do anything for her. Yesterday morning we had a serious conversation about the past year and how we both messed things up and how we both are going to work towards making it better. But then I call her on my lunch break and we're talking, but as soon as I mention the weekend, she shut down and wanted to be alone and in her bubble. It feels like the closer and closer we get, the faster she goes into that bubble.

At this point, I don't know what's going on, and she doesn't know either. I don't want to jump immediately to cheating, but it makes no sense that she would want to see me today, but not for the next two weeks. One minute she says it's because her mother doesn't approve of us, and that I need to talk to her and smooth our relationship, despite the fact that her mother makes it a point to disrespect me in public, but then she says I'm never going to change her mother's mind. Then she says she loves me but isn't in love with me because of the past year, but she doesn't want to break up with me.

At the end of the day, all I want to do is be there for her, but she won't even talk about it to the point where I can know what she wants from me. She wants me to disappear for a day, but come back for tomorrow. And the worst thing is that I haven't been forcing or pressuring her about anything lately. I've been trying a lot harder than I have been for the past year and when we're together, it's great, but its horrible when we are not.

Maybe that's what you think, but she's still interpreting it as pressure.

There's not right or wrong in relationships, just what works for people in the relationship and what doesn't. Obviously this isn't working out for her if she won't talk to you, and this isn't working out for you if this is stressing you out.

 

[Black Narcissus]

I had a great date today with a woman off POF who is 41. I'm 27. Still trying to decide if this age difference is too much.

Where does she land in the scale of milfs? Do ya thang, mayne.

 

[Dark Raven]

What's a good house warming gift for someone? Do you get them something practical or something more personal that they might not have that much use for but shows you thought of them?

 

[Erzengel]

Just get them a gift card to Home Depot or Lowes.

 

[the last son]

I just looked up the definition of womanizer, you all may already know this, but I am one. I don't feel good about myself. I definitely do women wrong. I guess I can only change with time, maturity and the will to want to change.

 

[RetrogradeOrbit]

What's a good house warming gift for someone? Do you get them something practical or something more personal that they might not have that much use for but shows you thought of them?

Depends how well you know them. If they were a close friend I would get something personal, probably something with a jokey theme behind it.
Something fun, with possibly zero practical use!

If it's a more casual friend? Then something for their home.

That's the way I roll anyway... t:

 

[Dark Raven]

Depends how well you know them. If they were a close friend I would get something personal, probably something with a jokey theme behind it.
Something fun, with possibly zero practical use!

If it's a more casual friend? Then something for their home.

That's the way I roll anyway... t:

Well I know she can't cook, so any kind of cooking appliances or kitchen utensils would probably be lost on her. But she does seem to like practical things as well.

I was thinking of remote control LED scented candles for romantic mood lighting.

 

[Vengeance of Bane]

Couple of questions:

Is it ever ok to check your partners textmessages ect.?

How do you confront a partner who you know is not being honest?( I've tried to ask her about her relationship to her "friend", but I knew that her answer was not the truth...)

 

[RetrogradeOrbit]

The remote control LED scented candles sound great... But if she is a good friend you can have a laugh with?

for a joke, I'd also get them a cookery book, and present the book to them first.
Wait for the ensuing fallout and then give them the "real" gift!

 

[RetrogradeOrbit]

Couple of questions:

Is it ever ok to check your partners textmessages ect.?

How do you confront a partner who you know is not being honest?( I've tried to ask her about her relationship to her "friend", but I knew that her answer was not the truth...)

It's never okay, because it is a betrayal of their trust. However, if you have a strong sense that you are being cheated on and you are sure their answer is not honest?
It is probably something you almost need/should do so that you know one way or the other and go on from there.

But if you find out that there actually is nothing going on, how are you going to proceed from that?

Do you tell them what you did and accept the consequences of your actions?
Or
Do you stay silent?

It's a tough call...

 

[Dark Raven]

The remote control LED scented candles sound great... But if she is a good friend you can have a laugh with?

for a joke, I'd also get them a cookery book, and present the book to them first.
Wait for the ensuing fallout and then give them the "real" gift!

Well, I wouldn't say she is a good friend per se, at least at this stage, but she's someone I would like to get to know better. We can have a laugh, but since there's generally a lot of laughter about many different things, I feel that the cookery book would be a short-lived laugh and maybe not worth it just to hear her laugh again when she would probably laugh anyway at the LED candles.

Couple of questions:

Is it ever ok to check your partners textmessages ect.?

How do you confront a partner who you know is not being honest?( I've tried to ask her about her relationship to her "friend", but I knew that her answer was not the truth...)

I don't think it's ever okay because it's an invasion of privacy.

However, if you get phone cloning technology, then technically you're just checking your own messages.

 

[SpideyVille]

It's never okay, because it is a betrayal of their trust. However, if you have a strong sense that you are being cheated on and you are sure their answer is not honest?
It is probably something you almost need/should do so that you know one way or the other and go on from there.

But if you find out that there actually is nothing going on, how are you going to proceed from that?

Do you tell them what you did and accept the consequences of your actions?
Or
Do you stay silent?

It's a tough call...

I've checked my girlfriend's texts in the past. It is wrong, but at the same time, when you find something off, it's off to say that because if you find something that ends the relationship, you're just speeding up the process.

I personally look at it as cause and effect. Like at the time, my girl was doing very suspicious stuff, like always hiding her phone or putting it down face down if we were together so I wouldn't see, through normal peripheral vision, what notifications she was getting. According to her, it was just a habit she developed with her ex, because she was with another guy. Eventually she stopped and I told her that if she wasn't hiding anything, she wouldn't need to.

But there were times when I found out things like she had asked her dance team if anyone found a sweater I let her borrow for the night, while she was telling me she had it and it was in the laundry. I've seen that she lied to me about her rehearsal being cancelled just so she could see me since she made plans with me but was late because she lost track of time and knew I needed her.

So the way I look at it is, you wouldn't need to do it unless you were given reason to believe that you needed to, unless you have your own issues like obsessive jealousy or something. Like I had trust issues in general, but I fought that so I could trust her, but that only made it worse in the long run. But there have been times when I came clean about looking through her phone and not finding nothing, and luckily she was forgiving, although she knows that I still don't fully trust her now. So it's hard to say really what's right and wrong, as I've always wondered the same thing.

 

[Dark Raven]

BTW I did see edible candy underwear on some gift sites as a potential house warming present, but I think that after an initial laugh, it's not going to get much use. If people are into healthy eating, then they probably don't want to be gorging on sweets and sugary stuff.

 

[RetrogradeOrbit]

^^^
Buy it, buy it...

 

[Anita18]

Couple of questions:

Is it ever ok to check your partners textmessages ect.?

How do you confront a partner who you know is not being honest?( I've tried to ask her about her relationship to her "friend", but I knew that her answer was not the truth...)

It depends on the arrangement. I can see how some dom/sub relationships can end up like that, if both partners have consented to that amount of control.

In a typical relationship where that kind of power play hasn't been spelled out, I would say no. It means you don't trust them, and trust is extremely important for any relationship.

Sometimes my husband will receive a text while his phone is out of his reach, and if I'm closer, I'll read it out loud to him so he doesn't need to get up and get his phone. But no, I won't take his phone and read through his message history. It doesn't matter to me who he's talking to. I trust that if he has an issue with our relationship, he'll say it directly.

Which goes along with your second question....it depends on what they aren't being honest about. In a practical sense, lying immensely about one's financial status would make ANY sort of relationship difficult, no matter what the arrangement. That would be a no-go for me. When lying about a relationship with a "friend," I think you have to figure out why they feel the need to lie about it (are they afraid of losing you, of creating drama, etc?), and if you suspect they're cheating on you, why they're staying in the relationship even when they're not happy. I think for that sort of situation, it's best to nip it at the bud, instead of merely papering over the cracks, which is what stopping her from seeing/spending time/talking with that "friend" would do.

 

[Spider-Fan83]

Couple of questions:

Is it ever ok to check your partners textmessages ect.?

How do you confront a partner who you know is not being honest?( I've tried to ask her about her relationship to her "friend", but I knew that her answer was not the truth...)

However, if you get phone cloning technology, then technically you're just checking your own messages.

this reminded me of a situation I was in with a girl a while back

for some reason she gave my number to the doctors when she was waiting on a call about something (she only had a pay as go phone, and was always out of minutes, so she didn't want to miss the call, I guess) or at least thats what she told me

so she ended up borrowing my phone to keep with her til she got the call
(had it for like a week)

next time I was with her, an she left the phone out, I checked my phone to see if I had any missed calls or texts while she had it. Instead I found texts from some other guy. When she saw me on my phone, she grabbed it from me and deleted the messages (Idk if she knew I already saw them or not)

how ****** up is that

 

[Dark Raven]

Pretty dumb to send texts from your phone. And it's not like you'd be snooping around through her text messages as such.

 

[Spider-Fan83]

honestly it never even occurred to me that she'd have any personal messages on the phone, when I picked it up...

cause who does that

I was more bothered by her making personal texts on my phone, when I only let her use it for what she claimed was a medical emergency

I already knew she was sleeping around, but making a booty call on my phone was just a slap in the face

 

[Vengeance of Bane]

Couple of questions:

Is it ever ok to check your partners textmessages ect.?

How do you confront a partner who you know is not being honest?( I've tried to ask her about her relationship to her "friend", but I knew that her answer was not the truth...)

Thank you for the response to my questions. I can't see myself invading her privacy like that, so I think I will confront her if the situation call for it...

 

[SpideyVille]

So noticed a pattern with my girlfriend. Whenever its just me and her, things are great. But the moment there's another person involved, that's when all the fighting starts, and I don't know what to do about it.

Yesterday, we had a nearly perfect day. What caused a fight was the fact that the day prior, he manager asked her to tell me to send him a HQ photo that I took of her months ago, so that he could use it as her album cover. We had talked about this in the past and I made it clear to her that I can't give photos away for free, especially since I have my brand logo on it, and that we would have to sign a contract. Apparently, her mother overheard and told her agent that I was looking for money, so he refused to even talk to me. So now, my girlfriend believed that I was trying to profit off of her music career. She flipped out and wanted to walk out and stuff until she finally calmed down and said she agrees with me that he's wrong for taking my photos and they figured I'd do it for free because she's my girlfriend.

She wants to use the photo, but what makes me hesitant is that he doesn't want anything and expects favors from people, but as a business, that's not how you do things and I've done research and I know I have the law behind me. The issue is that now she won't let me take photos of her, or she'll pay me for the rights to publish the photo from her own money, whenever she finally starts getting paid. It's like I know she's not the money-hungry type and she has good intentions, but she knows I don't trust him and I'm worried that when she does talk to him later today, she's either going to be too scared of losing him by taking my side, or she just won't bring it up.

But the last thing I want to do is get involved in a conversation with him without her, where I end up messing things up badly between me and her. She just hates feeling like she's always caught in the middle between people.

 

[DJ_KiDDvIcIOUs]

I just looked up the definition of womanizer, you all may already know this, but I am one. I don't feel good about myself. I definitely do women wrong. I guess I can only change with time, maturity and the will to want to change.

As a man who was previously one myself I know how you feel. It wasn't until these last several months that I recognized the error of my ways but now that you are conscious of it you can work proactively to adjust it. I met a girl recently that I had an infatuation with and my old ways tried to flame back up. Part of me really wanted to make sure I didn't end up in the "friend-zone". But I came to realize she is an awesome person and I count myself lucky to have her in my life in any capacity. I crashed at her house this weekend and we had a good conversation about many things and what we are both looking for in a relationship. She straight up told me had I made a move on her we wouldn't even be friends right now. So when you realize these old ways are popping up just recognize them and don't act on them. It gets easier with time. I know from experience, but even now thoughts still pop up I have to correct. It's not an overnight process. Just remember it's all about progress, not perfection. As long as you're working on it you will grow and become a better person

 

[Erzengel]

So noticed a pattern with my girlfriend. Whenever its just me and her, things are great. But the moment there's another person involved, that's when all the fighting starts, and I don't know what to do about it.

Yesterday, we had a nearly perfect day. What caused a fight was the fact that the day prior, he manager asked her to tell me to send him a HQ photo that I took of her months ago, so that he could use it as her album cover. We had talked about this in the past and I made it clear to her that I can't give photos away for free, especially since I have my brand logo on it, and that we would have to sign a contract. Apparently, her mother overheard and told her agent that I was looking for money, so he refused to even talk to me. So now, my girlfriend believed that I was trying to profit off of her music career. She flipped out and wanted to walk out and stuff until she finally calmed down and said she agrees with me that he's wrong for taking my photos and they figured I'd do it for free because she's my girlfriend.

She wants to use the photo, but what makes me hesitant is that he doesn't want anything and expects favors from people, but as a business, that's not how you do things and I've done research and I know I have the law behind me. The issue is that now she won't let me take photos of her, or she'll pay me for the rights to publish the photo from her own money, whenever she finally starts getting paid. It's like I know she's not the money-hungry type and she has good intentions, but she knows I don't trust him and I'm worried that when she does talk to him later today, she's either going to be too scared of losing him by taking my side, or she just won't bring it up.

But the last thing I want to do is get involved in a conversation with him without her, where I end up messing things up badly between me and her. She just hates feeling like she's always caught in the middle between people.

Even after you fight and it seems you're on the same page, it seems that maybe she's only agreeing with you so you won't fight or that she doesn't want you to leave or be upset.