From what you've described how she is, it seems that she's the kind of person who needs to be taken care of. If her "controlling ex-bf" complains that she wanted to be waited on hand and foot, that points to a major issue on her end too, no? Because people who like controlling someone don't typically complain about having to do too many things for that person. Controlling someone means you're taking on a lot of their responsibilities, after all. Some people like that, but if he didn't like that, that points to their relationship actually causing controlling tendencies in him.
It's certainly not unheard of. In my first relationship, I was a jealous b**** with low self-esteem because he was the same way, and that's how I responded to his behavior. With my husband, I honestly don't care who he hangs out with or who he talks to, because he's the same way with me. We respond to our partners' behavior.
She sounds like she really prefers being submissive and having other people make decisions and do things for her. She might feel like she "needs" to grow up and be independent, but if her default behavior is to rely on other people (never being single, allowing her mom to control her, going along with her agent even though they're not friends), then that's what she prefers and she should learn to be at peace with it. That works for some people, and she can make it work for herself too.
But it doesn't sound like you want to play daddy for her. It sounds like you want an equal partner, and honestly, that's not happening according to what you've told us. it's not fair for her to string you along like this, if you believe what she says and not what she does. Always pay more attention to what a person does instead of what they say. What they say can be a wishlist, but what they do shows their true character. And their true character is what you're actually having a relationship with.
The thing with her last ex was that he was known for being persistent, and I saw how it was first hand and that was the biggest reason why I felt the need to push a lot of things to the side to be there for her and with her. The fact that she didn't break up with him for a month spoke volumes, and ironically, she was caught in the same situation with him and the guy she was in a long-distance relationship with at the same time. Her ex found out, made a big deal and embarrassed her in front of their friends, and then walked out. A couple of days later, she claimed to have broken up with the guy and went back to her ex. But truth be told, that guy spent the holidays at her house and it wasn't until he was back home that he told her he was seeing someone else, thus solving the whole issue of which guy to pick. But as you can see, her ex had so many reasons to have trust issues with her, and in that sense, I don't blame him. I still think he was wrong for trying to force her into having sex when she clearly had a traumatic experience in her youth, and he was wrong for trying to be involved in every part of her life, but I know he's not fully to blame.
But I always tell her that her mom also tries to be her manager in anything she does, because she has the same type of strong personality, and in that sense, I share more with my girlfriend because I am also a shy and quiet type. But when they're someone outspoken and impatient with her, she follows them because she hates confrontations. Yet that's all she's been causing. And I realized, she doesn't make decisions based on who she will please, she will make them based on who she wants to disappoint less.
You're settling because even though we don't get everything we want in someone. The least we should get is someone you can count on. After that whole thing with her agent, I don't know how you can believe anything she says. Is she just placating you? Is she just saying things to make you happy? Anita said it, you want a partner and right now she can't be that, if ever.
If she goes through periods that she wants to break up because she can't handle it then she's not ready for an adult relationship. Relationships take work and they don't exist in a vacuum. You can't just want to be in one when everything is okay or during her down time between recording and performing.
I think you know what you want and what to do but it's natural not to want to cut the cord because I'm sure not everything is bad. Like I said, you're both adults, you aren't in HS. Your opinion should at least be on the same level as her mother's and higher than her agent.
We had a friend who was always so afraid of what her family said and thought. She did things to make them happy which at the same time devalued her relationship with my wife, then gf at the time. To make it a short story, she let her mother choose the godmother of her child, and she cried to my gf about it. The person her mother chose was a friend she was out of touch for years and only recently got back in touch during her wedding a year and half before. Meanwhile, my wife was friends with her since high school. They went on vacation together, and hung out all the time. And albeit, I had some influence on her, she realized what kind of friend doesn't fight for you if she was really important to her.
Would your gf fight for you?
I told her that I understand that there are supposed to be an order of rankings in her life. First comes family, obviously, but I feel like I should be right behind. But for some reason, I never feel that. I told her, it's like there's a dinner table and if I sit when it's empty, I'm expected to get up and make room for others, but if I show up later, I'm expected to stand or wait, and it's just not cool.
We are going to talk on the phone tonight, but the plan is to not ruffle too many feathers because I would like to see her in person tomorrow and talk things out in a place where she can't just run away or threaten to take my stuff back. Regardless of whether we get back or not, I need her to understand that she messed up to, and I haven't exactly handled things well when it mattered either, but the reason why things got so messed up was because she was not willing to fight for me or for herself the way she would fight for others.
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