The Relationship Thread: Because Superhero Forums are Full of Sexperts! - Part 30

[DA_Champion]

Well sure, but I don't think people in general are THAT picky at the end of the day. We all like looking at fit, beautiful people, but thinking about the kind of mind-numbing work that it takes to get those muscles, I remember why I love my skinny nerds. I find intelligence so much more romantically attractive than guys who obsess over protein consumption.


It happens because they think that's a masculine look. It certainly doesn't happen by accident. I pretty much only do squats and deadlifts on a once-weekly basis, I don't eat as much protein as I should to really see any gains, and I'm not even a dude with the extra testosterone, but I can DEFINITELY see a difference in my body shape. They're very efficient exercises if you do them heavy.

The guys lifting heavy on squats and deadlifts have much more balanced muscle mass all over, and that's functional strength. Lifting super-heavy dumbbells doesn't do much for you on a daily basis. The only thing it does is give you huge arms, which just looks stupidly uneven if you don't do your legs too. In fact, it just makes you look dumb, in all sense of the word.

That sounds like fun. I'm pretty jealous.

I had pain from herniated disks in the lower back last year and it's 90% gone now. Have had a lot of success with pilates and osteopathy lately. I'm doing the leg press, lunge, and squat at a relatively modest intensity, and no deadlifts. Last time I tried a deadlift was in December and I then felt searing pain for two weeks. I hope to be able to increase the intensity in the coming months, but for now I'm taking it easy on those exercises ... and even the leg extension, leg curl, and standing calf, which I'm currently not doing.

I do worry about spending too much time at the gym long-term for exactly those reasons, so I've put a limit on it. I'm going to get down to 180 lbs come hell or high water, then I'll average 3 sessions a week.

 

[Tilapia]

Damn straight! Although I still see WAY more guys with huge biceps and tiny legs than the other way around.




Um, you seem to be doling out advice for business students instead of comic book geeks. Know your audience! If you want a woman who will game with you or watch comic book movies with you (or at least tolerate it), you don't need to pretend you're some high-roller. Be yourself. Just perhaps a not-schlubby version of yourself.

Getting along with your in-laws is always a good idea though. My husband is actually pretty similar to my dad, and they're both software engineers, so they can talk about code and algorithms. It's actually pretty cute how hardcore they both go.

Well, I'm all for exploring and enjoying your passions, but the CB industry isn't exactly employing many of us. So yeah, watch your comic book movies and be a nerd, but come back to the real world sooner rather than later.

 

[Anita18]

That sounds like fun. I'm pretty jealous.

I had pain from herniated disks in the lower back last year and it's 90% gone now. Have had a lot of success with pilates and osteopathy lately. I'm doing the leg press, lunge, and squat at a relatively modest intensity, and no deadlifts. Last time I tried a deadlift was in December and I then felt searing pain for two weeks. I hope to be able to increase the intensity in the coming months, but for now I'm taking it easy on those exercises ... and even the leg extension, leg curl, and standing calf, which I'm currently not doing.

I do worry about spending too much time at the gym long-term for exactly those reasons, so I've put a limit on it. I'm going to get down to 180 lbs come hell or high water, then I'll average 3 sessions a week.

Spending too much time in the gym doesn't mean you'll end up as a top-heavy, silly-looking gym bro if you aren't doing the exercises that would cause you to look like that.

Have you gone to or asked a physical therapist about how to exercise your back as you recover from the herniated disks? You do have to strengthen it, but it's definitely not a good idea to go full bore while you're still recovering.

Well, I'm all for exploring and enjoying your passions, but the CB industry isn't exactly employing many of us. So yeah, watch your comic book movies and be a nerd, but come back to the real world sooner rather than later.

That's not what I mean at all - the CB industry isn't employing many people at all, but if it's something you enjoy, you should let that geek flag fly. Not go to bars and dress like someone you're not.

I know more than one couple who've met doing the comic book or gaming thing. -shrug-

 

[Ogre Mutagen]

That's not what I mean at all - the CB industry isn't employing many people at all, but if it's something you enjoy, you should let that geek flag fly. Not go to bars and dress like someone you're not.

I know more than one couple who've met doing the comic book or gaming thing. -shrug-

I'm not sure how common this is, but this definitely applies to me. Me and my GF share quite a few interests with each other.

 

[Tilapia]

That's not what I mean at all - the CB industry isn't employing many people at all, but if it's something you enjoy, you should let that geek flag fly. Not go to bars and dress like someone you're not.

I know more than one couple who've met doing the comic book or gaming thing. -shrug-

You're saying the two are mutually exclusive. Not even comic book nerds can spend the majority of their time absorbing material and going to conventions. The point is men have to spend money to look good when they are out in public, this is not exclusive to women any longer.

 

[DA_Champion]

Spending too much time in the gym doesn't mean you'll end up as a top-heavy, silly-looking gym bro if you aren't doing the exercises that would cause you to look like that.

Have you gone to or asked a physical therapist about how to exercise your back as you recover from the herniated disks? You do have to strengthen it, but it's definitely not a good idea to go full bore while you're still recovering.


That's not what I mean at all - the CB industry isn't employing many people at all, but if it's something you enjoy, you should let that geek flag fly. Not go to bars and dress like someone you're not.

I know more than one couple who've met doing the comic book or gaming thing. -shrug-

Yes that is what the pilates and some other daily stretches are for.

 

[DA_Champion]

"Go meet the opposite sex at the sausage fests that are comicbook/gaming groups" is necessarily better advice for women than for men.

There's a warhammer club in my shopping mall. I don't know if i've ever seen a woman in there.

There's a nice comic book store near where i live. I've seen women there ... Pretty ones actually ... Behind the cash register.

I think it would be a good place in which to unwind and meet male friends though.

 

[Anita18]

"Go meet the opposite sex at the sausage fests that are comicbook/gaming groups" is necessarily better advice for women than for men.

There's a warhammer club in my shopping mall. I don't know if i've ever seen a woman in there.

There's a nice comic book store near where i live. I've seen women there ... Pretty ones actually ... Behind the cash register.

I think it would be a good place in which to unwind and meet male friends though.

Maybe depends on where you are. I know several couples (cute couples, too) that go to cons dressed up together. One of my friends met her fiance (now an editor at DC Comics' website) at a writer's mixer at a comic book store. My coworker met her long-distance bf (a former Marine) on one of those MMOGs.

But I'm in LA, where comic book movies rule and geekdom is celebrated.

 

[DA_Champion]

Here's a story on how finnicky women can be in online dating.

Her:
Hi ******. Nice to meet you. You seem like a nice guy and I'm really looking forward to getting to know you.

Me:
Hi ****, I see one message from you !
I think eHarmony has latency issues, it's happened to me a few times that I clicked send and nothing happens.
I'm not one to normally fish for compliments ... but ok I sometimes I am. What makes me seem nice?
;-)

Her:
Hehe.. Sure, I'll indulge you! When I say nice, that's an assumption based on the fact that I find your intelligence, ambition and confidence very attractive.

*****

After that, I got sick, and because of that I went one full day without messaging her. So she blocked me before I could respond to her -- lol. I think she got flakey because I went a full 24 hours without responding to her.

Maybe depends on where you are. I know several couples (cute couples, too) that go to cons dressed up together. One of my friends met her fiance (now an editor at DC Comics' website) at a writer's mixer at a comic book store. My coworker met her long-distance bf (a former Marine) on one of those MMOGs.

But I'm in LA, where comic book movies rule and geekdom is celebrated.

That sounds really plausible for LA. I think cons might have a better women-ratio since it's more creative.

 

[DJ_KiDDvIcIOUs]

So I have a female friend in the program and I think she kind of digs me. We've chatted occasionally and she had a few rough patches and I was one of the people she called to help her which is cool that she would think of me in those types of situations. I've always thought she was very attractive and I really dig she loves music and nerdy stuff like myself.

Out of the blue the other day she texted me and said she missed me. I told her I missed her too and I was thinking about going down to St. Pete here soon to look for DJ gigs and we should hit a meeting or coffee or something. She told me about her bands gig in Tampa coming up soon and I told her I'd try to come out and support of I could work out a ride.

Problem is, the more I think about it I am not sure if the logistics work on any level since I ride the bus most of the time and she borrows her mom's car and doesn't like driving very far. Most of my schedule is based on north county stuff and hers is down there in St. Pete.

Haven't even really been thinking about trying to find a relationship as of late but I could see myself with her. If I were to get a gig DJing down that way on the weekends I could def see me putting effort into the whole thing. But I'm not really a fan of St. Pete nor do I want to spend much time down there if I'm not making any money.

I think it's just my selfish nature coming to the forefront again but financially I'm not really in a place that I can afford dating. She isn't the type of girl that would expect me to lavish her with gifts or anything but I have a hard enough time staying productive without a girl in my life and I know if I added that then it would be much less time for me to focus on music.

Does this seem like an a**hole move on my part? I def don't feel like I'm leading her on or anything but at the same time she is really cool and I feel like it could be one of those things I look back on later and regret.

 

[Anita18]

Not to mention you need the body type to round out your tight shirt skin tight jeans these days. I guess women have taken more of an interest in the man's behind these days. That seems to be the obvious fashion trends I've seen at least.

Back to this discussion, I like how it's trickled down to the point where guys are paying attention. Just watched this clip of Anthony Mackie and Sebastian Stan on the CA:CW red carpet and they discussed a "legs only workout" cause thighs are the way to go.

I will DEFINITELY be using Stan's quote "If you wanna sit on it, you wanna be comfortable, that's all I'm saying" as reasoning for my love of meaty thighs on dudes. Oh man, those two are gonna kill me before the actual movie does.

So I have a female friend in the program and I think she kind of digs me. We've chatted occasionally and she had a few rough patches and I was one of the people she called to help her which is cool that she would think of me in those types of situations. I've always thought she was very attractive and I really dig she loves music and nerdy stuff like myself.

Out of the blue the other day she texted me and said she missed me. I told her I missed her too and I was thinking about going down to St. Pete here soon to look for DJ gigs and we should hit a meeting or coffee or something. She told me about her bands gig in Tampa coming up soon and I told her I'd try to come out and support of I could work out a ride.

Problem is, the more I think about it I am not sure if the logistics work on any level since I ride the bus most of the time and she borrows her mom's car and doesn't like driving very far. Most of my schedule is based on north county stuff and hers is down there in St. Pete.

Haven't even really been thinking about trying to find a relationship as of late but I could see myself with her. If I were to get a gig DJing down that way on the weekends I could def see me putting effort into the whole thing. But I'm not really a fan of St. Pete nor do I want to spend much time down there if I'm not making any money.

I think it's just my selfish nature coming to the forefront again but financially I'm not really in a place that I can afford dating. She isn't the type of girl that would expect me to lavish her with gifts or anything but I have a hard enough time staying productive without a girl in my life and I know if I added that then it would be much less time for me to focus on music.

Does this seem like an a**hole move on my part? I def don't feel like I'm leading her on or anything but at the same time she is really cool and I feel like it could be one of those things I look back on later and regret.

It's only selfish if you want to have your cake and eat it too - meaning, string her along knowing that you won't be able to sustain a relationship. Letting her know you aren't looking for anything serious when that's where you are in your life, is the responsible thing to do.

If you want to focus on your career over relationships right now, that's your preference. It's not selfish in this scenario unless you're taking advantage of someone else.

 

[DA_Champion]

I like that clip.

 

[DJ_KiDDvIcIOUs]

It's only selfish if you want to have your cake and eat it too - meaning, string her along knowing that you won't be able to sustain a relationship. Letting her know you aren't looking for anything serious when that's where you are in your life, is the responsible thing to do.

If you want to focus on your career over relationships right now, that's your preference. It's not selfish in this scenario unless you're taking advantage of someone else.

Didn't think of it that way. I just know I'm the type of guy that falls for a girl too quickly and I'll want to spend all my extra time/money on here and then I usually get bored. So if I do decide to pursue something with her I'd definitely like to avoid doing that. I guess I won't put too much thought into and just kind of see where life takes me.

 

[Dark Raven]

I find it annoying when you suddenly discover, either in the course of an evening, or over a period of time, female friends back off from you. And the reason why? Because someone somewhere thought the two of us were together! So they're so insecure that they want to make sure they're never seen together with you and to send the clear picture that you're not together so no-one can possibly make that mistake. It's as if it dawned on them: "Oh no! I didn't realise we'd been sending that message to everyone!"

I've had this happen a few times. You can seem completely fine one moment, but then suddenly they've cooled off the next. And you only discover the reason some time later.

If I'm standing next to someone or next to a female friend and another person asks innocently if this is my girlfriend or my wife, I'll just say no. Sometimes that person is a completely random female I've either just met or haven't even met at all. I'm not suddenly going to act differently towards that person or that friend. Especially not if it's a friend. If I value that friendship, then why should it be affected by what other people think?

 

[RetrogradeOrbit]

^^^
Yeah, but, people ya know? They're weird...

 

[DJ_KiDDvIcIOUs]

So after some careful deliberation, I made a date with my friend I spoke of earlier for next Friday night. I'm trying to go into the whole thing without any expectations and just kind of go with the flow. I came to realize that most of my excuses were based on the fear that I would really like her and things wouldn't work out and then I wouldn't handle that well which would be something completely new to me in sobriety. Honestly, that scares the crap out of me because I know other times in my life when that happened I just hit the bottle to deal with that.

But when I really considered everything I do think I owe it to myself to at least keep my options open and see how she feels. Of course, I could just be completely misreading the whole situation (which has happened before) but she is a really awesome person that I am fond of. She likes all the nerdy things I like, she always gets my shirts, and she is really into music like myself. And I know she isn't the type of person that would expect me to buy her crap and go out to fancy restaurants all the time to impress her.

So with all that being said we shall see how things go next Friday night and then I'll go from there.

 

[Dark Raven]

^^^
Yeah, but, people ya know? They're weird...

If someone were malicious, that would be one way to destroy a friendship. I've heard that suggested before by so-called dating gurus on how to separate two people in an evening if you want to get a man or woman alone away from a friend or acquaintance of the opposite sex. Just ask if they're together, and they might avoid the other person for the rest of the evening.

Of course, this is mean and can easily backfire anyway as it depends on the woman not being attracted to the man or vice versa. I wouldn't do something like this but it's good to be aware that someone else could do that to you whether deliberately or unintentionally.

 

[Ogre Mutagen]

So after some careful deliberation, I made a date with my friend I spoke of earlier for next Friday night. I'm trying to go into the whole thing without any expectations and just kind of go with the flow. I came to realize that most of my excuses were based on the fear that I would really like her and things wouldn't work out and then I wouldn't handle that well which would be something completely new to me in sobriety. Honestly, that scares the crap out of me because I know other times in my life when that happened I just hit the bottle to deal with that.

But when I really considered everything I do think I owe it to myself to at least keep my options open and see how she feels. Of course, I could just be completely misreading the whole situation (which has happened before) but she is a really awesome person that I am fond of. She likes all the nerdy things I like, she always gets my shirts, and she is really into music like myself. And I know she isn't the type of person that would expect me to buy her crap and go out to fancy restaurants all the time to impress her.

So with all that being said we shall see how things go next Friday night and then I'll go from there.

Wow,that sounds great! Good luck - hope it goes well. I met mine in similar circumstances.

 

[Martha]

I find it annoying when you suddenly discover, either in the course of an evening, or over a period of time, female friends back off from you. And the reason why? Because someone somewhere thought the two of us were together! So they're so insecure that they want to make sure they're never seen together with you and to send the clear picture that you're not together so no-one can possibly make that mistake. It's as if it dawned on them: "Oh no! I didn't realise we'd been sending that message to everyone!"

I've had this happen a few times. You can seem completely fine one moment, but then suddenly they've cooled off the next. And you only discover the reason some time later.

If I'm standing next to someone or next to a female friend and another person asks innocently if this is my girlfriend or my wife, I'll just say no. Sometimes that person is a completely random female I've either just met or haven't even met at all. I'm not suddenly going to act differently towards that person or that friend. Especially not if it's a friend. If I value that friendship, then why should it be affected by what other people think?

This never changes. I have a few female friends that are (some single, some married) and have known me for years, but every few months or so they randomly create distance. I used to think it was something that I was doing until I figured out it was probably because of some foolish observation a third party made.

It really is difficult for men and women to remain close friends due to outside gossip.

 

[Dark Raven]

This never changes. I have a few female friends that are (some single, some married) and have known me for years, but every few months or so they randomly create distance. I used to think it was something that I was doing until I figured out it was probably because of some foolish observation a third party made.

It really is difficult for men and women to remain close friends due to outside gossip.

It doesn't even have to be gossip but just an innocent mistake. For example, if a woman is talking about her husband or boyfriend, and then you happen to stroll up at that point and say hi to her, the third party might innocently ask "so is this your husband/ boyfriend?" Sometimes you might not even approach her at all but could be standing behind this woman or in the general area and someone could ask that.

And something like that can be the downfall of your friendship all in a split second. It's not like you could have avoided that situation in any way (or even predicted it). How can one know not to show up or stand near that woman at that inopportune moment? Any moment can therefore be the wrong time since someone could be observing you from a distance even if there's no-one around the woman at the time you approach her to make an observation.

 

[Tim_Riggins]

Cool thread guys. I read about being on Tinder, OkCupid, that kind of stuff and wanting to be with someone while not wanting to at the same time, and it's kind of funny how accurate it is.

About 6 months after having broken up with long time friend that I always had a crush on and finally got the courage to say how I felt, I still yearn for her, despite knowing perfectly well that she's messed up on a fundamental level.
She basically has practically never been alone, always with *****es where it basically cannot work, and I told her how I felt when she came here just before leaving for England (I live in France) again where she was a teacher.
We basically grew very close (were friends, not close, for 5 to 6 years), she had just had another disappointing relationship with a former best friend of mine (complicated, cut him off a while ago) who wasn't right for her and treated her like sh** like every previous one.
She wasn't sure but tried and I quickly became her anchor, it was clear she was falling for me as in she couldn't stop thinking about me all the time, skyping at least 4 to 5 times a week, wanting to be with me, etc, and since she has never been in love, she told me that she didn't know what it was but that it was madness.

Came back here, I remember that day when she was on her way home to her parents from England, and came to see me, pure magic, we spent a lot of time together during the December period, very intense, I could tell by the way she was with me that she was in love with me (although she never said it, and never said the words to anyone else), called me her boyfriend, then freaked out because she says she's not girlfriend material, that she's terrible, putting herself down, that relationships never work, etc.

Long story short, we were on and off, she suffered from depression and I basically helped keep it under the surface until it blew in our faces, kept changing her mind, I couldn't be over there when she wanted me to be (no time between all the work she had to do, we would have seen each other a couple of hours on the weekend), and it stayed that way for a while.

Reconnected a few times physically, but she never knew, kept changing her mind, telling me I didn't want to be with a girl like her, that she was unstable (which is true).
Last summer, she calls it quits implicitly, tells me I deserve someone better, that she can't give me what I'm looking for. She was over her previous boyfriend, we made sure of that, but as I was part of that whole episode in a way, I think it just poisoned the well as well.
We see each other that summer when she comes home for a month or something, we talk about it, she tells me once again "I don't know". We resume sort of the relationship in some way, and then in October, the slap in the face, she tells me she hates lying to me, that she can"t take it, that she met someone (WHAT??) that summer.

We talk about it, she repeats the same things, that she's not good enough, that she can't give me what i'm looking for, that I'm too much there basically, too nice let's say, she told me several times it freaked her out how different and good our relationship was compared to what she's always known, and well, that was the last straw.
At her core, she's just used to toxic relationships and just sabotages everything good. I only saw her again 2 weeks ago, we talked regularly a few weeks before that, and she wanted to see me, it went very well like nothing had ever happened.
Told me I'd see her again 2 weeks from that date, and nothing yet, no news since that text I sent the day I saw her to make sure she was home safe, she went on holidays, so I don't know if she's still there or needs time to think.

Sorry for the long post, I don't like to share, but I'll play along In the meantime, I'm on like 2 dating websites, desperate to look for someone else while still being in love with her. How effed up is that?!

 

[Hobgoblin]

I have no idea what to do with my fiances family. Her father is a bigot that was whining at easter that he cant call black people the n word. Her mom wants to host the post rehearsal at their home but I am afraid the father will go one of his racial tirades, and one of the bridesmaids is a friend of mine and is Chinese. Its bad enough that my white friends may hear his BS but I would feel extra bad for her. How do you think this should be handled?

 

[Erzengel]

Sorry for the long post, I don't like to share, but I'll play along In the meantime, I'm on like 2 dating websites, desperate to look for someone else while still being in love with her. How effed up is that?!

You can't save her. You can't give her self esteem. If you have been supportive, compassionate and understanding and she continues to push you away?

She probably needs to talk to someone professionally.

However, maybe you should take it slow. It's not fair "forcing" a date when you still in love with someone else.

 

[Erzengel]

I have no idea what to do with my fiances family. Her father is a bigot that was whining at easter that he cant call black people the n word. Her mom wants to host the post rehearsal at their home but I am afraid the father will go one of his racial tirades, and one of the bridesmaids is a friend of mine and is Chinese. Its bad enough that my white friends may hear his BS but I would feel extra bad for her. How do you think this should be handled?

Warn your friends.

Either you or your fiance have a talk with your in-laws.

That's pretty much all you can do.

 

[Martha]

It doesn't even have to be gossip but just an innocent mistake. For example, if a woman is talking about her husband or boyfriend, and then you happen to stroll up at that point and say hi to her, the third party might innocently ask "so is this your husband/ boyfriend?" Sometimes you might not even approach her at all but could be standing behind this woman or in the general area and someone could ask that.

And something like that can be the downfall of your friendship all in a split second. It's not like you could have avoided that situation in any way (or even predicted it). How can one know not to show up or stand near that woman at that inopportune moment? Any moment can therefore be the wrong time since someone could be observing you from a distance even if there's no-one around the woman at the time you approach her to make an observation.

Well said. This reinforces my belief that if you're going to be friends with a member of the opposite sex, and you're committed to just being friends, then you have to be willing to be friends with their SO as well. If you're satisfied being someone's friend, you have to eliminate any and all doubt.