The Relationship Thread: Because Superhero Forums are Full of Sexperts! - Part 30

[Erzengel]

Are they paying for the duplex?

 

[Hobgoblin]

Are they paying for the duplex?

Her parents are paying $150 of the rent per month. The rent in total is $775. They decided to add the $150 on their own to entice us away from the first apartment.

 

[Erzengel]

Well unfortunately with some family members, they feel then they are in the right to dictate what you do.

But I'm a little confused. You say you're moving out on Sunday. But will these people not rent to you unless your future father in law apologizes? Or is he refusing to pay if you do move in there?

 

[Anita18]

I have cousins around my age who are often in that quandary. It's partly (mostly?) because the parents still help them out financially even though the kids are in well into their 20s, and they feel like they're obligated to have a say in their child's life because of that.

It's interesting listening to it from my cousins' POV (thinks they're overbearing but still accepts their money) and what my mom gets to hear from her sister/their mom (feels ungrateful that her adult children don't listen to her).

My parents prefer to have no say in their adult children's life decisions, and no longer pays for anything of ours besides being on the same family cell phone plan. Like my mom tries to tell her anxious/helicopter parent friends: "Zipper the pocketbook, zipper the mouth!" (My mom's slightly broken English is adorable. )

From what I've seen, you can't rein in a crazy parent if you still accept their help or money on a regular basis. It's not possible. I've never seen it happen, in anyone of my generation or even older. The first step in escaping it is to cut yourself off from them financially. That way, they can't lord that over you.

If you're not in good-enough financial shape to do that, you'll unfortunately just have to learn how to deal with it.

 

[Ms. Marvel]

Basically what I discovered the last few years.

Being an "adult" is not a valid excuse against your parents when you are financially dependent on them.

 

[Hobgoblin]

Well unfortunately with some family members, they feel then they are in the right to dictate what you do.

But I'm a little confused. You say you're moving out on Sunday. But will these people not rent to you unless your future father in law apologizes? Or is he refusing to pay if you do move in there?

The husband was angry and threatened to terminate the lease, but I guess his wife talked him down. I'm told that the husband chewed out my father in law to be.

I agree Anita, and I'm willing to compromise with them. They are just very controlling people. My fiance has said that once she moves out, she will draw a line in the sand that they will not cross but with them contributing financially that seems unlikely.

 

[Anita18]

I agree Anita, and I'm willing to compromise with them. They are just very controlling people. My fiance has said that once she moves out, she will draw a line in the sand that they will not cross but with them contributing financially that seems unlikely.

Yeah, if it hasn't happened yet, her being married won't suddenly flip a switch in them. It's a process.

My husband has been fighting his mom's helicopter ways since he was a kid, and is relatively successful aside from her talking his ear off. Nothing changed much after we were married. My cousin is married and hasn't had any luck with his overbearing parents. Actually, they paid for his wedding and they were shuffled around like puppets the entire weekend. Now they're accepting money from their parents to hire a 24/7 nanny for their first kid. So obviously nothing's changed for them at all.

 

[Chris B]

Thanks for the advice everyone. I'll try and see if she wants to exchange numbers. I'm not really expecting anything to happen anymore, but at least I can have the peace of mind knowing I tried if it doesn't work.

 

[Erzengel]

The husband was angry and threatened to terminate the lease, but I guess his wife talked him down. I'm told that the husband chewed out my father in law to be.

I agree Anita, and I'm willing to compromise with them. They are just very controlling people. My fiance has said that once she moves out, she will draw a line in the sand that they will not cross but with them contributing financially that seems unlikely.

It's hard when family is being generous. You almost seem ungrateful.

I would be careful though, if you have any issues with this place, try and resolve it yourself depending on the issue. You don't want your future in-laws calling up or making a situation worse.

 

[Anita18]

It's hard when family is being generous. You almost seem ungrateful.

I would be careful though, if you have any issues with this place, try and resolve it yourself depending on the issue. You don't want your future in-laws calling up or making a situation worse.

Exactly. They're paying almost 20% of your living expenses per month. That's not insignificant. No wonder why they feel as if they can lord that over you. (I suspect my cousin is getting even more from his parents and in-laws.)

Hobgoblin, you also have to consider that her parents will only get involved so far with the information they have. If she doesn't tell them the nitty gritty details, they likely would not have known something was wrong. My meddling aunt didn't get involved at all in MY wedding because she didn't know anything about it. I only vent to my mom about things when I already have a plan of solving it - it's clear that I don't expect her to fix my problems for me. She's also the kind of parent to tell me to suck it up and fix things myself.

But it can be VERY difficult for helicoptered children to break out of that mindset. My cousin dislikes how his mom meddles in his married life, but he cannot seem to stop telling her everything, and he can't seem to stop accepting her money. He's 29, married for 5 years, a new father, and hasn't been able to stop.

My mother-in-law is still helicopter-y but in a very unprompted way. My husband only tells her what' happening with him physically, haha. No details about our living situation, no details about his job, no details about our marriage. And because his mom doesn't know anything, there's no reason for her to pitch a dramatic fit about anything either. t:

The contrast between my cousin and his parents/in-laws and my parents/in-laws is so stark that my mom is now telling her other Asian friends to "let" their daughters marry white guys. Apparently helicoptering East Asian parents and beaten-down East Asian children is kind of the norm now...

The point is, she has to start trying now. If she SAYS she will but hasn't made any changes yet, it probably won't happen. And it's not because she doesn't love you. People are notoriously bad at predicting their future behavior, because we're optimistic and want to think of ourselves as better than our reality. We're always going to start going to the gym regularly and eat healthy, right?

So the reality is that you might have to be "handling" your father-in-law for the rest of his natural life. Once you accept that possibility, then you can start planning with others (your MIL, your future wife, any other family members) about how best to do that.

 

[Hobgoblin]

Exactly. They're paying almost 20% of your living expenses per month. That's not insignificant. No wonder why they feel as if they can lord that over you. (I suspect my cousin is getting even more from his parents and in-laws.)

Hobgoblin, you also have to consider that her parents will only get involved so far with the information they have. If she doesn't tell them the nitty gritty details, they likely would not have known something was wrong. My meddling aunt didn't get involved at all in MY wedding because she didn't know anything about it. I only vent to my mom about things when I already have a plan of solving it - it's clear that I don't expect her to fix my problems for me. She's also the kind of parent to tell me to suck it up and fix things myself.

But it can be VERY difficult for helicoptered children to break out of that mindset. My cousin dislikes how his mom meddles in his married life, but he cannot seem to stop telling her everything, and he can't seem to stop accepting her money. He's 29, married for 5 years, a new father, and hasn't been able to stop.

My mother-in-law is still helicopter-y but in a very unprompted way. My husband only tells her what' happening with him physically, haha. No details about our living situation, no details about his job, no details about our marriage. And because his mom doesn't know anything, there's no reason for her to pitch a dramatic fit about anything either. t:

The contrast between my cousin and his parents/in-laws and my parents/in-laws is so stark that my mom is now telling her other Asian friends to "let" their daughters marry white guys. Apparently helicoptering East Asian parents and beaten-down East Asian children is kind of the norm now...

The point is, she has to start trying now. If she SAYS she will but hasn't made any changes yet, it probably won't happen. And it's not because she doesn't love you. People are notoriously bad at predicting their future behavior, because we're optimistic and want to think of ourselves as better than our reality. We're always going to start going to the gym regularly and eat healthy, right?

So the reality is that you might have to be "handling" your father-in-law for the rest of his natural life. Once you accept that possibility, then you can start planning with others (your MIL, your future wife, any other family members) about how best to do that.

Actually I'm not that worried about her standing up to her father, she cant stand him. It's her mother that she thinks is the greatest person on earth. She says her mom likes me, but she has also said that her mom told her "I know he loves you and treats you well, but I worry about the religious difference." Her mother is very religious and teaches at a Lutheran school and I'm an atheist. I'm seeing more future conflict there.

 

[the last son]

ASAP my ex just spent the weekend with me taking a plane to visit. We were intimate and don't plan on really doing long distance relationship. Would it be too much pressure to leave her with a letter on why I want her to move back to our city and be with me. I've mentioned it in person how I want something serious and she just said ok. I don't know if the letter would be too needy or do I have nothing to lose? I explain how I want more for us. That there are no guarantees, but want to be with her and hopefully down the line marriage and family. Need answers please and thanks. As I write this I'm thinking of not giving it to her. Seems desperate. Just really think she could be the one. We were only together 4 months before she moved 9 months ago and came to visit me.

 

[Erzengel]

You can't pressure someone to stay. If you have been honest with her and communicated how you feel, that's all you can do. You want her to give up everything she's built for almost a year for you. That's asking a lot. Especially for a 4 month relationship. Especially after 1 visit. Slow down. Maybe go visit her and see how things go. Stop being in such a hurry for things to happen. Sometimes the slower path works.

 

[the last son]

Thank you. I'm supposed to visit in a few weeks. We'll see how it goes then. Thanks for the response. I truly appreciate it.

 

[the last son]

Thank you erz so much for not letting me ruin our weekend with that letter. We had such a great time and I was very sad when I dropped her off and thought I wouldn't be able to let her go again, but ultimately it was great just to see a friend. If here I would no doubt want to be with her, but she left and for the time being she's a great friend to have. Life doesn't always work out perfectly. It sucks feeling like someone you click with on all cylinders doesn't want you as much, but I have to realize there will be another female to enter my life and effect me with feelings in different ways in time. I can't thank you enough Erzengel for helping me realize this. It would have definitely pushed her away more. Not that it matters. I'm not 100% sold I'm headed down there soon. I mean she only asked me once. We'll see.

 

[NotSoLongAgo]

Thank you erz so much for not letting me ruin our weekend with that letter. We had such a great time and I was very sad when I dropped her off and thought I wouldn't be able to let her go again, but ultimately it was great just to see a friend. If here I would no doubt want to be with her, but she left and for the time being she's a great friend to have. Life doesn't always work out perfectly. It sucks feeling like someone you click with on all cylinders doesn't want you as much, but I have to realize there will be another female to enter my life and effect me with feelings in different ways in time. I can't thank you enough Erzengel for helping me realize this. It would have definitely pushed her away more. Not that it matters. I'm not 100% sold I'm headed down there soon. I mean she only asked me once. We'll see.

You made the right call brotha

 

[the last son]

No lie. She text me when she got home she had a great weekend. That letter would've came off as stalkerish. Thanks for the heads up I made the right call. Would've been too much pressure.

 

[Volshe]

Long distance is tough, but it's better to take it slow and be long distance for a while then rush into anything. In my opinion!

 

[Fallen Angel]

I've taken on the role of Love Guru for the day. You can thank me later.

 

[Anita18]

My husband is a Pisces and he gets weirded out when I look into his eyes "alot." (But his eyes are so pretty!)

 

[DA_Champion]

I'm doing that which was recommended to me by real life friends of lowering my standards on online dating. I have up to 4 dates with 4 different women coming up in the next 2 or 3 weeks (some scheduling conflicts to work around). Problem: I can't work up any enthusiasm for any of them. I guess this will give me the "don't give a ****" attitude that women supposedly find seductive.

Which further confirms that I need to take better care of myself. I got back in from 3 weeks of travel in Sweden/Denmark today, somehow I gained zero weight which is a surprise. I got a decent haircut today and my eyebrows threaded. Bought some healthy food and will start hitting the gym again after a hiatus during my travels. I've also ordered some minoxidil online, since I've decided not to do propecia. That will take a few months to have an impact though.

I was talking to a guy o another forum. When he was young, he did get some sex, but he had to work really hard to get it, and women kept giving him excuses and leaving him. To improve his looks he got a hair transplant, surgery for gynecomaestia (he grew boobs taking anti-depressants), contact lens, teeth whitening, a liposuction, and a lost another 10 lbs for good measure. It worked out well for him, he's now sleeping with 4 or 5 women at once and he doesn't meet any resistance, just enthusiasm, from women.

I was browsing POF last week and one 33 year-old woman had this as her third picture:

I thought that was clever.

 

[RetrogradeOrbit]

It would appear that my current relationship is going from strength to strength.
We have so much in common that it has genuinely scared me in the beginning, and she has felt the same way.
Basically we have both been waiting for the monster to appear as we both think the other is perfect (of course there is no such thing, but you know what I mean!)
There is almost 200 miles between us, but somehow with both of us taking turns we have managed to see each other quite a lot and because my other half is not working at this time, she is able to stay longer than just a weekend as long as her other responsibilities allow it.
So the longest amount of continuous time we have actually spent together is just over two weeks and her latest visit is going to be three weeks in total.

Tomorrow we will have been seeing each other for 5 months. Although we had been communicating regularly for at least a month before that. But I take the beginning of our relationship from the first time we met in the real world.

I can honestly say I see a future for us together. So the other day I told her what I thought and felt and that I want to ask her to move in with me permanently after she has her "Big Stay" during the Summer and after we have been to New York together for a few days to take in the sights and Comic Con!

The "Big Stay" as we are now calling it will be her staying with me for between two and three months. So hopefully she will get a realistic idea of what it will be like to live with me and if that doesn't make her run screaming back home?

Then I guess I will have a gorgeous girl living with me by October/November that actually compliments my life rather than hindering it. And I hope she feels the same about me.

I'm not blowing my own trumpet here folks, I just wanted to throw some happy news in here and to say that it is possible as a geek/nerd to meet another geek/nerd and fall in love...

 

[Anita18]

I'm doing that which was recommended to me by real life friends of lowering my standards on online dating. I have up to 4 dates with 4 different women coming up in the next 2 or 3 weeks (some scheduling conflicts to work around). Problem: I can't work up any enthusiasm for any of them. I guess this will give me the "don't give a ****" attitude that women supposedly find seductive.

Which further confirms that I need to take better care of myself. I got back in from 3 weeks of travel in Sweden/Denmark today, somehow I gained zero weight which is a surprise. I got a decent haircut today and my eyebrows threaded. Bought some healthy food and will start hitting the gym again after a hiatus during my travels. I've also ordered some minoxidil online, since I've decided not to do propecia. That will take a few months to have an impact though.

I was talking to a guy o another forum. When he was young, he did get some sex, but he had to work really hard to get it, and women kept giving him excuses and leaving him. To improve his looks he got a hair transplant, surgery for gynecomaestia (he grew boobs taking anti-depressants), contact lens, teeth whitening, a liposuction, and a lost another 10 lbs for good measure. It worked out well for him, he's now sleeping with 4 or 5 women at once and he doesn't meet any resistance, just enthusiasm, from women.

There's no requirement that you must have ginormous fireworks and explosive chemistry with everyone you go out on a date with. I didn't have a lot of chemistry with my husband at first. We've built what we have together and it's very strong.

Well, the "I don't care" attitude is literally just that - an attitude. Up to you if you want to "take care of yourself" in that definition but....why would you spend that much effort for that kind of attention from women who you don't find all that attractive anyway? Judging by what you post (and the story with that other guy), it mostly sounds like you just want to sleep with as many women as possible. You even say that he's sleeping with 4-5 women at once, but it's surely not a committed thing otherwise it would be a complex polyamorous relationship. So women are still leaving him. It's just that enough of them are saying yes so he's never without a woman, but it's not like he's all that successful with actual relationships.

I dunno, it depends on what you want, really. It's a lot simpler if all you want is to sleep with someone - we all know what the opposite sex is likely to look for in a one-night stand kind of partner. Maybe the difficulty for someone like you is how to go about it, if you don't naturally look like Chris Hemsworth or whatever. But it's a lot simpler, since there are a set of "rules" and then the women come beating down your door.

But it's also strange because you also just posted about having to "lower your standards" for online dating. What sort of standards - is this "serious relationship-material" standards or "I require a woman to be at least an 8 before I bang her" kind of standards? It's unclear what you ultimately want to get out of this, judging by what you write.

 

[Anita18]

Hey that's awesome RetrogradeOrbit!

 

[RetrogradeOrbit]

Thanks Anita, it's been a long time coming and I've gone through some serious s**t to get there, but I can honestly say I've never been happier...

And if it can happen to me, there is hope for everyone!