The Relationship Thread: Because Superhero Forums are Full of Sexperts! - Part 30

[DA_Champion]

Well, the "I don't care" attitude is literally just that - an attitude. Up to you if you want to "take care of yourself" in that definition but....why would you spend that much effort for that kind of attention from women who you don't find all that attractive anyway? Judging by what you post (and the story with that other guy), it mostly sounds like you just want to sleep with as many women as possible.

No. You shouldn't read things that aren't there. What I want is one good relationship. I've never suggested otherwise. Anything else I do is merely something to help me along that road. The purpose of going out with anybody is that beggars can't be choosers, it establishes my floor, and it gives me first-date and second-date experience. There's the possibility that I may have mistaken ideas of what I find attractive if I have not gotten to know enough people.

As for the effort level ... did you not see the image I posted? If a woman has a thousand messages in her inbox, it's tough to stand out. It's not as though she's a babe. She's a little above average, ergo she has 1,002 messages in her inbox. I live in a city of ~350,000 people. I can send you her profile privately if you want. It's a nice, moderately verbose, very nerdy profile. She says she's looking for a guy who's into star wars. It's a good example of how competitive the market is. I wrote her two well-written messages (two weeks apart) related to her profile, etc, but that doesn't matter. If she has 1,002 messages, she'll sort by looks and ignore the content, and I'm unlikely to be in the top 3 or top 5. She probably enjoyed my message, opened my profile, saw that I was listed as shorter than 6'3, and then moved on.

Another guy I was speaking to -- he's a very good looking guy who's been effectively cycling anabolic steroids for several years, works out, and eats properly -- was bragging about laying one of the hottest women on pof in his area. He lives in a city of ~80,000 people, small city. She showed him her cell phone after they had sex, she had 300 text messages, nearly all from men pursuing her.

You even say that he's sleeping with 4-5 women at once, but it's surely not a committed thing otherwise it would be a complex polyamorous relationship.

It's standard for people to be in open relationships in the first phase of a relationship. Relationships are not exclusive until some time in, the amount of time varies between each pair. Having sex doesn't mean you're exclusive. For some people it's when you have sex three times. But everybody's different.

Anyway, no, this isn't what I was going for at all. The point was how much his life changed, which you ignored, maybe I didn't phrase things properly. Before, it didn't matter how he behaved with women, all he got was excuses and difficulty. Now, it's the opposite. The issue is that how someone is treated is a function of looks.

So women are still leaving him.

They're not leaving him, he has to get rid of them and it takes some effort on his part.

But it's also strange because you also just posted about having to "lower your standards" for online dating. What sort of standards - is this "serious relationship-material" standards or "I require a woman to be at least an 8 before I bang her" kind of standards? It's unclear what you ultimately want to get out of this, judging by what you write.

Standards are age 24-34, active profile, and within ~300 kilometres of me. So literally no standards. I'm doing this as an medium-term experiment.

 

[DA_Champion]

It would appear that my current relationship is going from strength to strength.
We have so much in common that it has genuinely scared me in the beginning, and she has felt the same way.
Basically we have both been waiting for the monster to appear as we both think the other is perfect (of course there is no such thing, but you know what I mean!)
There is almost 200 miles between us, but somehow with both of us taking turns we have managed to see each other quite a lot and because my other half is not working at this time, she is able to stay longer than just a weekend as long as her other responsibilities allow it.
So the longest amount of continuous time we have actually spent together is just over two weeks and her latest visit is going to be three weeks in total.

Tomorrow we will have been seeing each other for 5 months. Although we had been communicating regularly for at least a month before that. But I take the beginning of our relationship from the first time we met in the real world.

I can honestly say I see a future for us together. So the other day I told her what I thought and felt and that I want to ask her to move in with me permanently after she has her "Big Stay" during the Summer and after we have been to New York together for a few days to take in the sights and Comic Con!

The "Big Stay" as we are now calling it will be her staying with me for between two and three months. So hopefully she will get a realistic idea of what it will be like to live with me and if that doesn't make her run screaming back home?

Then I guess I will have a gorgeous girl living with me by October/November that actually compliments my life rather than hindering it. And I hope she feels the same about me.

I'm not blowing my own trumpet here folks, I just wanted to throw some happy news in here and to say that it is possible as a geek/nerd to meet another geek/nerd and fall in love...

Hey man congratulations !!

5 months and no bumps yet?

:P

 

[RetrogradeOrbit]

Hiya DA...

There have been about three bumps along the way, but because we can sit and talk about them. They all got sorted out.
I'm hoping we can continue this new tradition for some time!

 

[RetrogradeOrbit]

It's standard for people to be in open relationships in the first phase of a relationship. Relationships are not exclusive until some time in, the amount of time varies between each pair. Having sex doesn't mean you're exclusive. For some people it's when you have sex three times. But everybody's different.

I must be very much non-standard then... t:
Every time I have began to date a girl, I immediately stop looking on any of the dating sites I am using and focus my attention on that one girl.

If it doesn't work out, then I would go back into the pond, so to speak!

It's how I would expect and like to be treated, so I do the same thing for them. Just seems fair is all.

 

[Anita18]

No. You shouldn't read things that aren't there. What I want is one good relationship. I've never suggested otherwise. Anything else I do is merely something to help me along that road. The purpose of going out with anybody is that beggars can't be choosers, it establishes my floor, and it gives me first-date and second-date experience. There's the possibility that I may have mistaken ideas of what I find attractive if I have not gotten to know enough people.

I'm confused because you've mentioned things about serious relationships and being physically attractive enough for multiple women to want to sleep with you, in a way that hints you admire both. They're ultimately different things, so I'm not sure what you really want when you write about both viewpoints.


As for your friend, now it sounds like he's got the opposite problem from what he had before. So he has more choices now, but has he had a serious relationship (at a level you admire) out of all of those women? Cause it doesn't really matter if he's attracting that many women if they're all ultimately incompatible with him. If he hasn't found anyone he likes, maybe he went the wrong way and is attracting women who are incompatible with him.

Cause I can tell you that if my husband "maximized" the chances of finding a woman he liked by being the kind of man most women wanted physically (fashionable, muscular, shows off his money), I wouldn't be attracted to him. I would've thought he spent too much time worrying about his appearance and status, which I don't dig. And then he wouldn't have gotten me, and I am literally the ONLY person he can stand being around for more than 8 hours at a time. He would have attracted every other woman but the one compatible with him.

 

[Erzengel]

There are always going to be people who have an easier time to find someone. Others who will have to struggle. And it may be frustrating for those who can have their pick and not be appreciative or even worse, take advantage of their "gifts".

 

[DA_Champion]

I finally got around to installing Tinder. It's a little slow and tedious to set up, but once it's set up it runs beautifully.

I think I've gone through all of the women in my geographic area, or something. It tells me "no more women in the area", and it only took a few days of going through the maximum number of swipes. Some women showed up multiple times, I don't know what the algorithm is, or if Tinder decides a swipe is expired after some time.

It told me there were no more people near me 20 minutes, and now I just swiped 5 or 6 more, I'm not sure what the process is.

Apparently in Canberra women like to use the app to date, not for hookups, which leads to confusion, that's what someone told me.

Thus far I've been matched to 7 people. One of them disappeared soon after. One never wrote back. One was a robot/scammer who said she wanted to meet me for sex right away as long as I authenticated on some other site, which was after talking to her on skype. Of the other 4, 2 are in "early conversation", 1 asked me out after one medium-length conversation, and the last turned me down when I asked her for coffee saying she wanted to get to know me better first (we're still talking, mostly about studio ghibli).

 

[Hobgoblin]

I need some advice in dealing with a situation between my fiance and her mother. When we moved out her mother forbid her from taking her dog, which she has raised from puppyhood. My fiance, Kerri, is very emotionally attached to the dog and depends on it almost like a security blanket. Her therapist recommended that she get a dog years ago as an outlet for love as she came from a somewhat difficult home. Now her mom says it is the family dog and not Kerri's to take away.

She picked the dog and was the one to walk her and groom her and often was the one to pay for whatever it needed. I want to email her mom and let her know how deeply hurt Kerri is without the dog but I dont know if I can change her mind. If she wont listen to her own daughter, why should she listen to her atheist/heathen future son in law? On the other hand, I hate seeing Kerri sobbing and almost inconsolable every time she is reminded that she will never get the dog. We cant afford a new dog and she doesnt even want a new one anyway.

This is putting a strain on our relationship, as I'm tired of hearing her saying how much she wants her dog. Never mind that she finally moved out and got away from her father and is with the man she loves, she is focused on the dog.

 

[Anita18]

I need some advice in dealing with a situation between my fiance and her mother. When we moved out her mother forbid her from taking her dog, which she has raised from puppyhood. My fiance, Kerri, is very emotionally attached to the dog and depends on it almost like a security blanket. Her therapist recommended that she get a dog years ago as an outlet for love as she came from a somewhat difficult home. Now her mom says it is the family dog and not Kerri's to take away.

She picked the dog and was the one to walk her and groom her and often was the one to pay for whatever it needed. I want to email her mom and let her know how deeply hurt Kerri is without the dog but I dont know if I can change her mind. If she wont listen to her own daughter, why should she listen to her atheist/heathen future son in law? On the other hand, I hate seeing Kerri sobbing and almost inconsolable every time she is reminded that she will never get the dog. We cant afford a new dog and she doesnt even want a new one anyway.

This is putting a strain on our relationship, as I'm tired of hearing her saying how much she wants her dog. Never mind that she finally moved out and got away from her father and is with the man she loves, she is focused on the dog.

That's a tough one. It definitely sounds like there's no solution that will make everyone happy. Someone has to compromise somewhere. And honestly, since it's bothering her and it involves her parents, she's the one who has to work with her parents on this.

I have a hard time believing she has a good relationship with her parents, even her mom who you said she loves, if they're aware of her anguish (it honestly sounds pretty serious) and don't raise a finger to compromise with her. No visitation, nothing?

The only thing you could contribute is to encourage her to work with her parents, and to corroborate her story about how emotionally difficult it has been for her being without her dog. But it's ultimately not your fight.


And honestly, some people do have a hard time being grateful for the good things in their life. I have a friend who was so stressed out over not having a prestigious job and having to pay her student loans back. Well, her parents offered to pay the bulk of it, and the next thing I hear from her, it's how she doesn't fit in at her job and how she'll never make it in San Francisco. Not a word about feeling grateful she no longer has to worry about her student loans. That's just who she is - sometimes she'll have tunnel vision and be unable to see anything good in her life (including her friendship with me), and other times, she'll almost cry with gratefulness that I'm there for her.

 

[NotSoLongAgo]

I need some advice in dealing with a situation between my fiance and her mother. When we moved out her mother forbid her from taking her dog, which she has raised from puppyhood. My fiance, Kerri, is very emotionally attached to the dog and depends on it almost like a security blanket. Her therapist recommended that she get a dog years ago as an outlet for love as she came from a somewhat difficult home. Now her mom says it is the family dog and not Kerri's to take away.

She picked the dog and was the one to walk her and groom her and often was the one to pay for whatever it needed. I want to email her mom and let her know how deeply hurt Kerri is without the dog but I dont know if I can change her mind. If she wont listen to her own daughter, why should she listen to her atheist/heathen future son in law? On the other hand, I hate seeing Kerri sobbing and almost inconsolable every time she is reminded that she will never get the dog. We cant afford a new dog and she doesnt even want a new one anyway.

This is putting a strain on our relationship, as I'm tired of hearing her saying how much she wants her dog. Never mind that she finally moved out and got away from her father and is with the man she loves, she is focused on the dog.

Damn. What is there to really do? It sounds like her mom is the type to always have everyone listen to her, and have things go her way. If so then maybe your fiance putting her foot down would work. It sounds like it's not her mom's dog to be keeping it from your fiance in the first place. I don't wanna advocate stealing it back, but I think if push came to shove someone who isn't me would probably consider it. Especially since like I said before, it was never her dog to begin with.

I can kind of relate though. My ex's mother was like that and sometimes you just have to be able to hold your ground and not let her have her way with you.

 

[DA_Champion]

Met a girl off tinder this morning.

I was swiping away and we had a match. Said hello, usual pleasantries. She told me she was hung over, in a new apartment, had no toothbrush and no food. I said why not meet for breakfast? We met sometime later in some vegan restaurant she wanted. We talked for 45 minutes or so. Among the things she said, she said she hates ghosting, that people in romantic contexts should be honest, they should say what they mean, they shouldn't be passive and subtle. We also talked about career, food, and what kind of drunks we are. I said I'm the embarassing nice drunk who goes around hugging people and giving them compliments, she laughed and said she's the same.

Went to a different coffee shop afterwards (I wanted better coffee) and she said she had to go. She was like "I really need to go home and puke, I'm sorry, I'm not brushing you off, I'm so sorry, I had a great time, thank you for meeting me, I really feel like i need to go home and puke, I'm sorry, I'm not brushing you off, I'm sorry". She sent me another message on tinder afterwards saying she's sorry and needed to get home. I sent her a message telling her I could drop a toothbrush by her place prior to heading home.

I check my tinder some time later, and she's removed me.

lol.

 

[NotSoLongAgo]

Met a girl off tinder this morning.

I was swiping away and we had a match. Said hello, usual pleasantries. She told me she was hung over, in a new apartment, had no toothbrush and no food. I said why not meet for breakfast? We met sometime later in some vegan restaurant she wanted. We talked for 45 minutes or so. Among the things she said, she said she hates ghosting, that people in romantic contexts should be honest, they should say what they mean, they shouldn't be passive and subtle. We also talked about career, food, and what kind of drunks we are. I said I'm the embarassing nice drunk who goes around hugging people and giving them compliments, she laughed and said she's the same.

Went to a different coffee shop afterwards (I wanted better coffee) and she said she had to go. She was like "I really need to go home and puke, I'm sorry, I'm not brushing you off, I'm so sorry, I had a great time, thank you for meeting me, I really feel like i need to go home and puke, I'm sorry, I'm not brushing you off, I'm sorry". She sent me another message on tinder afterwards saying she's sorry and needed to get home. I sent her a message telling her I could drop a toothbrush by her place prior to heading home.

I check my tinder some time later, and she's removed me.

lol.

What a date lol

 

[Anita18]

Sounds like normal first date drama, LOL.

 

[Erzengel]

Maybe she used him for a free breakfast. LOL

 

[DA_Champion]

Maybe she used him for a free breakfast. LOL

No she didn't eat anything.

By the way, it's rude to refer to people in the third person that way.

 

[DA_Champion]

Sounds like normal first date drama, LOL.

I'm now 0/3 on Tinder dates after a few weeks, the best date was Saturday night (about 8 hours after the date mentioned above) but ... I'm not attracted to her.

I'll say that Tinder is very efficient. Since it's a system based only on looks, you can evaluate hundreds of people in a few minutes. For obvious reasons, I'm skeptical that this will maximize the quality of the yield, though the quantity is clearly much higher.

I wonder if they have a lot of fake profiles. There seems to be ... a huge number of beautiful women on tinder. Like a lot of beautiful women, not just in total numbers but even as a fraction. In the real world, beautiful people are, and average people are average (lol). I wonder if their software adds a lot of fake people to make the system appear more busy and more appealing, as other sites are known to have done.

 

[Erzengel]

I'm sorry we feel that way. But we speculate in this thread all the time.

 

[Anita18]

I'm now 0/3 on Tinder dates after a few weeks, the best date was Saturday night (about 8 hours after the date mentioned above) but ... I'm not attracted to her.

I'll say that Tinder is very efficient. Since it's a system based only on looks, you can evaluate hundreds of people in a few minutes. For obvious reasons, I'm skeptical that this will maximize the quality of the yield, though the quantity is clearly much higher.

I wonder if they have a lot of fake profiles. There seems to be ... a huge number of beautiful women on tinder. Like a lot of beautiful women, not just in total numbers but even as a fraction. In the real world, beautiful people are, and average people are average (lol). I wonder if their software adds a lot of fake people to make the system appear more busy and more appealing, as other sites are known to have done.

There's definitely bots on every online dating site.

 

[DA_Champion]

There's definitely bots on every online dating site.

It's too bad, it's actively harmful to both men. It gives men distorted expectations.

I swipe on tinder because it's not totally useless, but honestly it's like browsing soft porn, and as we've discussed elsewhere I consider porn to be largely unhealthy. Lots and lots of photos of women in lingerie or bathing suit, all of them fit. And I'd have no objection if they were all real people, but I'm very skeptical they are.

What I imagine they do is they take the photos of the hottest women all over the world and recycle them as fake profiles in other jurisdictions with different names and such. Or they might just have a catalogue of a couple thousand models they recycle everywhere. No one will notice.

ETA: I'm also getting a lot of "likes" from fake profiles on plentyoffish. Another guy told me he gets the same. I don't see why they do this as it's obviously fake, so it just feels like spam.

 

[moviedoors]

Are you on OKCupid DA? You'll get better matches, fakes stick out like a sore thumb, and there's a lot you can do with it without having to pay for it.

A lot of the fakes you're seeing aren't affiliated with the app, so try not to take it too personally.

 

[DA_Champion]

Are you on OKCupid DA? You'll get better matches, fakes stick out like a sore thumb, and there's a lot you can do with it without having to pay for it.

A lot of the fakes you're seeing aren't affiliated with the app, so try not to take it too personally.

I like OkCupid the best of all the dating sites I've tried. It's straightforward to navigate, and I think their format effectively emphasizes both looks and personality.

But it just doesn't seem to be popular with Australian women. There are very few women in my area on it, so it's a waste of time.

I'm moving to Baltimore later in the year. Hopefully it's more popular there.

 

[Tilapia]

Who is creating the spam? Users or hackers? Or developers? Do the paid sites have safeguards to weed out the spam?

 

[Anita18]

Who is creating the spam? Users or hackers? Or developers? Do the paid sites have safeguards to weed out the spam?

All of the above? I don't think the devs of the actual services themselves would make bots. Beyond the whole unethical thing, they're likely putting out enough fires to do that sort of petty crap. [/married to a developer]

And yes, paid sites would presumably have more money to hire more dedicated developers or moderators to weed out the bots.

 

[DA_Champion]

All of the above? I don't think the devs of the actual services themselves would make bots. Beyond the whole unethical thing, they're likely putting out enough fires to do that sort of petty crap. [/married to a developer]

And yes, paid sites would presumably have more money to hire more dedicated developers or moderators to weed out the bots.

We know that Ashley Madison was using fake women on the site to make it seem more busy.

I knew this model 10 years ago, I remember her telling me one of her friends had a photo shoot for a dating website.

 

[Anita18]

Yeah, but that's also Ashley Madison. I dunno, maybe they are, but the places like OKC can afford not to.