The Relationship Thread: Because Superhero Forums are Full of Sexperts! - Part 30

[amazingfantasy15]

I might not see her though... when she mentioned about dropped my coat off I don't know whether she meant to me or just leaving it there. Do you think its worth me kind of waiting a bit ( maybe until my coat appears) and if I don't see her then text her saying thanks for dropping it off, Im not going to crowd you but I do really like you still, if you want to date again" maybe something like that... I mean she might just want to be on her own after that drama...its a hard situation

She seems like she really doesn't know what to do...

for more context when I told her how I feel she texted back something like " I appreciate that. and its awesome to hear but I don't want to lead you on if I have feelings for someone else" which I get, like I know she does like me but if she said it then and after all ended up getting with her ex it would be worse for me.

And Im not going to wait around, If something comes up ill date but I do really like her, so it sucks.

One more stupid question...because i don't want it to be like MARRY ME LETS RUN AWAY haha if that text was like

"Hey, thanks for dropping off my jacket. look I'm obviously going to give you space but I just wanted to say, I like you (Insertname) if you did want to keep seeing me I'd really like that, If not, be careful and look after yourself x"

Im normally pro at texting but not if I actually care...sorry for being annoying now haha how would you word it?

I would just say thanks for dropping off the jacket, don't mention trying to date again, you've made your feelings clear already and she's not interested. It sucks, but it sounds like her mind is made up, you say you think she "doesn't know what to do", but it sounds like she does, that's wishful thinking. Sad to say, but you were probably a rebound for her.

 

[jaganar]

found out today .... due to us being coworkers im BURIED IN THE FRIENDCOFFIN

"ok my life doesnt permit me to have a relationship at this point"
( shes dealing with a deadbeat husband...btw for the guys here paying attention )

so im not completely screwed but i keep getting her to smile at work XD

 

[Anita18]

nah something like that would be the last attempt for sure. I just want to feel like I did everything I could of because I felt for ages I was playing it a bit to cool and that was something i wanted to fix by actually telling her i caught feelings... then this happened...

If she likes you and wants to date you, she'll let you know. It's obvious you like her, cause you did actually date and stuff. It isn't a case of total cluelessness here.

It's her baggage, no need to mention it or pressure her about it. If she comes around, great. If she doesn't, well, that's life. Lots of relationships (and potential relationships) are DOA by timing.

found out today .... due to us being coworkers im BURIED IN THE FRIENDCOFFIN

"ok my life doesnt permit me to have a relationship at this point"
( shes dealing with a deadbeat husband...btw for the guys here paying attention )

so im not completely screwed but i keep getting her to smile at work XD

Doesn't sound like a coworker thing, sounds like a baggage thing (see above).

 

[amazingfantasy15]

You are saying two or three things right now.

found out today .... due to us being coworkers im BURIED IN THE FRIENDCOFFIN

So is there a rule at work saying coworkers can't date? If that's the case it's not so much as "being put in the friendzone" (which is BS) as the rules of your job.

"ok my life doesnt permit me to have a relationship at this point"

I'm assuming this was a quote from her, so it's not a rule at work and this is a classic, I'm just not into you line. If someone's into you they'll find the time.

( shes dealing with a deadbeat husband...btw for the guys here paying attention )

Deadbeat husband or father? I'm not sure what this means, is he dragging his feet about getting a divorce? Not sure how someone can be a deadbeat husband. A deadbeat father is a whole other thing and from your posts I don't think you could handle being number 2 in her life because if she has kids, they will always be number 1.

so im not completely screwed but i keep getting her to smile at work XD

The quote you shared if it's from you tells you everything, she's just not that into you, you can be friends, but a couple isn't going to happen.

 

[jaganar]

If she likes you and wants to date you, she'll let you know. It's obvious you like her, cause you did actually date and stuff. It isn't a case of total cluelessness here.

It's her baggage, no need to mention it or pressure her about it. If she comes around, great. If she doesn't, well, that's life. Lots of relationships (and potential relationships) are DOA by timing.


Doesn't sound like a coworker thing, sounds like a baggage thing (see above).

ill take your DOA advice to heart anita ....

so ill just be around , cus i aint got a choice ( been encouraged on by the rest of the gang..meaning our coworkers ; well the three professors who know anyway) and wont push cus its not in me.

if it happens it will happen , but im content right now (as sad as that sounds)

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
to FANTASY : dead beat husband ....father of her two kids and im guessing still lives in the home (and i wont ask for more info)

 

[uchiha_itachi]

I would just say thanks for dropping off the jacket, don't mention trying to date again, you've made your feelings clear already and she's not interested. It sucks, but it sounds like her mind is made up, you say you think she "doesn't know what to do", but it sounds like she does, that's wishful thinking. Sad to say, but you were probably a rebound for her.

Im pretty sure they broke up like at least 6-7 months ago... We matched on a dating app 6 months ago and because of her schedule and work nights in a bar on top of her 9-5 and singing thing, i tried on and off for 4 months to get her on a date. then she told me she quit the bar job so she'd have more time and we went out. then we went out for two months. is that still rebound criteria?

I agree its not looking good though...its a shame I really liked this one. doesn't happen to me often.

 

[warhorse78]

OK. My guy friend/co-worker friend with benefits is still acting strange. He hangs out at the work place, but doesn't want to hook up for two weeks now. He has also been hanging out with his friends who I have yet to meet past couple of weekends. He texts me that he's doing all of these fun things, while I'm at home, doing nothing. This hurts me.

Thursday night, he was off, and a no show at the hang out. The gang asked if I wanted to hang out, and I really had nothing else better to do, so I did. Later on, I get home at about 12, and texted him how his day off went. Like usual, he tells me how he had a blast hanging out with his friends (again, who I have never met) and then goes and asks how my day was. I told him it was fun, and that I ended up hanging with the crew for a few hourse and a few drinks later. He texted back "you guys hung out?" It was like, he couldn't believe that I would actually hang out with the crew without him. I texted back that we were celebrating a few of the co-workers birthdays. He then said, Friday, he's coming in to work, and that we all will be partying harder.

Friday comes, and as I come in, he runs right up and gives me a big hug. He hangs around a bit, stares and we smile a bit during work. Then later on, when hanging out, it was him, a couple of other guys, and then two black girls (the one that likes him, and then an older lady who was waiting for her husband.) I have been getting along with the girl that likes him, but last night, I noticed he really didn't get next to me. He hung around mostly the older lady, and then the guys. When we were finally leaving, he hugs me good night, and then goes with the girl that likes him because again, she just has to have a effing ride home (I know she's doing this crap on purpose.) As I drive off, I see in my rear view mirror him looking back at me, and then he gently elbows the girl as they walk to his car. I'm hurt that he has no problem taking her home, but he has issues with hanging out with me alone unless its at my house.

I got home, and decided to text him, what is the deal. Did you lose sexual interest in me? What is going on. He texts back that nothing is going on, and everything is fine. But then he goes on to tell me that I have been getting a lil too close to him at work, so he's been distancing himself (when it's really him that is in my work space, not the other way around) I texted him that I try to ignore him at work, but then, what about when you aren't at work. I know several days that you are off from work and school and could come over for a few hours. Why the tease. He says no tease, but he could try and come over more often.

Please tell me, what is this guy's deal? He's quick to hang out with the black girls, joke with them, hang out with the white and black guys, joke with them, but all I get is the good morning, good night hugs, three sleep overs, and text from him asking how my day is, and that when we are drinking, if I made if home alright. And oh, this past week, when I get up to beer 3, he won't let me drink anymore, actually takes the beer out of my hands. Says he doesn't feel safe with me driving with too much in my system. I'm also going to a party at another co-workers tonight, and he says he's coming too, to make sure I don't drink too much? Is he trying to be a control freak, or does he really like me, but is afraid to show it because I am a white woman, and we are surrounded by older white men and black women? This stuff is frustrating me and is almost making me want to cry.

 

[Anita18]

I'm hurt that he has no problem taking her home, but he has issues with hanging out with me alone unless its at my house.

Please tell me, what is this guy's deal? He's quick to hang out with the black girls, joke with them, hang out with the white and black guys, joke with them, but all I get is the good morning, good night hugs, three sleep overs, and text from him asking how my day is, and that when we are drinking, if I made if home alright. And oh, this past week, when I get up to beer 3, he won't let me drink anymore, actually takes the beer out of my hands. Says he doesn't feel safe with me driving with too much in my system. I'm also going to a party at another co-workers tonight, and he says he's coming too, to make sure I don't drink too much? Is he trying to be a control freak, or does he really like me, but is afraid to show it because I am a white woman, and we are surrounded by older white men and black women? This stuff is frustrating me and is almost making me want to cry.

You need to tell him exactly what I quoted above. Nobody can say what his deal is except him. If he is still interested in you, he's not communicating it in a way you understand. That's a huge issue for any relationship. You need to communicate with each other in a way you both can understand and be on the same page together.

If he can't do that, it's a perfectly valid reason to walk away. A friend of mine got divorced because he and his ex-wife didn't speak the same "love language" at all. (Google "love languages" for more info - I'm on my phone right now and don't want to lose this post!) If you're lacking clear communication, resentment easily comes in, as you probably are experiencing.

 

[DA_Champion]

Overall this has been a mediocre year for me dating wise. I've had three first dates, plus one the girl cancelled at the last minute, plus one I accidentally did not show up for. Of those, there was only one woman I actually wanted to see again, and she didn't want to see me. It's disappointing.

On the bright side, that's more dates than last year, I'm down to ~93 Kg from my average of ~104 Kg the past few years (still a long way to go), I'm feeling better and making more of an effort to meet people (off dating sites). I should take more recent photos, women might respond better.

I feel like I'm losing overall though. I'm 31, almost 32, I'm definitely running out of time with women. Nearly all desirable women find long-term relationship partners by their mid-20s, and for the ones that do not, there is typically a huge line of men chasing them so it's very hard to stand out. Above 30, it's a women's market.

For any men 22 or younger, take advantage of your university time to meet as many people as possible. Go to parties. Go to as many as you can even if they seem individually pointless, you still get something out of them. I did a great job working and studying in university, I should have socialized more and eaten better though, not sure if it would have been possible to do all three.

 

[Anita18]

Overall this has been a mediocre year for me dating wise. I've had three first dates, plus one the girl cancelled at the last minute, plus one I accidentally did not show up for. Of those, there was only one woman I actually wanted to see again, and she didn't want to see me. It's disappointing.

On the bright side, that's more dates than last year, I'm down to ~93 Kg from my average of ~104 Kg the past few years (still a long way to go), I'm feeling better and making more of an effort to meet people (off dating sites). I should take more recent photos, women might respond better.

I feel like I'm losing overall though. I'm 31, almost 32, I'm definitely running out of time with women. Nearly all desirable women find long-term relationship partners by their mid-20s, and for the ones that do not, there is typically a huge line of men chasing them so it's very hard to stand out. Above 30, it's a women's market.

For any men 22 or younger, take advantage of your university time to meet as many people as possible. Go to parties. Go to as many as you can even if they seem individually pointless, you still get something out of them. I did a great job working and studying in university, I should have socialized more and eaten better though, not sure if it would have been possible to do all three.

If you talk to my 30-something single female friends, they'd have a very different story to tell you.

I think what a lot of miserably single people miss that it isn't about finding a "desirable woman or man" as if they're all the same. (Because God knows a ton of older single women also complain that all the "desirable" guys are snapped up at 30. ) It's about compatibility. So the whole dating thing isn't about a competition to "stand out" - it's about testing your compatibility with someone.

I mean, pretty much no man wanted to date me. Whereas my husband had women interested in him all the time (if they overlooked his social awkwardness ) but he didn't like any of them much. But he saw something in me, even though according to everybody else, I wasn't worth pursuing. It's not a universal thing.

 

[DA_Champion]

If you talk to my 30-something single female friends, they'd have a very different story to tell you.

I think what a lot of miserably single people miss that it isn't about finding a "desirable woman or man" as if they're all the same. (Because God knows a ton of older single women also complain that all the "desirable" guys are snapped up at 30. ) It's about compatibility. So the whole dating thing isn't about a competition to "stand out" - it's about testing your compatibility with someone.

I mean, pretty much no man wanted to date me. Whereas my husband had women interested in him all the time (if they overlooked his social awkwardness ) but he didn't like any of them much. But he saw something in me, even though according to everybody else, I wasn't worth pursuing. It's not a universal thing.

There's a lot of discussion in self-help manuals, etc. about compatibility, finding the right person, et cetera. There's some truth to that, clearly, but let's be honest, it's not the full story.

There is a competition, which is why on average "assortative mating" is a real thing in reproductive models if you want to be nerdy, or in the real world, the best-looking women tend to end up with the most successful men, those being the most desirable traits of each gender in our society. It's also why some men can sleep with 50 or 60 women a year without any difficulty, or why some women get 10 messages a day on dating sites and then have their pick of the litter. They're just generally more desirable. A friend of mine found a great girl who is fit, black belt in martial arts, great baker, successful medical practitioner, his age, smart, debt-free or nearly debt-free, and level-headed, while he was dealing with issues of obesity, severe insomnia, a boring job he hates, violence, addiction issues, and alcoholism. However, he's 6'1, has large muscles, and confidence.

In short, I like your story, and it's a good and constructive story since you're a happy couple, but I don't think it's representative, and thus not a full general prescriptive.

So I know what I need to do -- be a better man (in multiple ways), and meet more people. It's a slow and challenging process though, and time is running out. I should have tried harder much earlier. I was focused on being professional successful. That worked out for me, but it's not a complete life.

 

[Anita18]

There's a lot of discussion in self-help manuals, etc. about compatibility, finding the right person, et cetera. There's some truth to that, clearly, but let's be honest, it's not the full story.

There is a competition, which is why on average "assortative mating" is a real thing in reproductive models if you want to be nerdy, or in the real world, the best-looking women tend to end up with the most successful men, those being the most desirable traits of each gender in our society. It's also why some men can sleep with 50 or 60 women a year without any difficulty, or why some women get 10 messages a day on dating sites and then have their pick of the litter. They're just generally more desirable. A friend of mine found a great girl who is fit, black belt in martial arts, great baker, successful medical practitioner, his age, smart, debt-free or nearly debt-free, and level-headed, while he was dealing with issues of obesity, severe insomnia, a boring job he hates, violence, addiction issues, and alcoholism. However, he's 6'1, has large muscles, and confidence.

In short, I like your story, and it's a good and constructive story since you're a happy couple, but I don't think it's representative, and thus not a full general prescriptive.

So I know what I need to do -- be a better man (in multiple ways), and meet more people. It's a slow and challenging process though, and time is running out. I should have tried harder much earlier. I was focused on being professional successful. That worked out for me, but it's not a complete life.

Right, but not everyone has such simple tastes as "I want to get with the most beautiful woman" or "I want to get with the richest man." I actually don't think most humans function that way. (Yes, there's assortative mating, but that's also assuming that humans are no better than their instincts.) The ones who have such simple tastes are so bland that I don't find them interesting people to be around. I don't know anyone like that.

Maybe it's because I come from a super nerdy peer group, and don't know many people who are popular with their desired sex in the first place. The ones who are married or in relationships, happened to find the right person. Which works for me, because that's how I ended up married despite being absolutely undesirable according to mainstream society.

I'd bet that your friend, despite his physical shortcomings, is bringing far more to his relationship than meets the eye. People are more than what they appear on paper. My sister's ex was a perfect 10 on paper - brilliant and rich (he was acqui-hired by Apple for an undisclosed amount of money), charming, handsome. But he was awful at being in a relationship with her, and none of my relatives liked him. Not even the relatives who are obsessed with status and money.

Whereas my husband is pretty smart and handsome (according to me ) but he's not rich and he's quite the opposite of charming. He isn't nearly as impressive on paper as my sister's ex, but my family adores him because of how fantastic he is with me. We make each other better.



I think if you focus on the "competitive" side of dating, you're focusing on the wrong thing. You'll attract the wrong people, because the people who think dating is a competition aren't looking for true compatibility. What they're looking for is someone who matches their checklist, but people aren't checklists. Don't relegate yourself to that kind of life - it's exhausting and you'll never measure up. There will always be someone richer, more attractive, more successful, smarter, better dressed, etc etc. It's just better to not go there.

I have an attractive friend in her mid-30s who's never been in a relationship, and part of it is because of her extreme negativity about dating and her own self-image. She doesn't see her own beauty or the positive things about herself - she'll never measure up compared to women who are more successful and more beautiful than she is. And at the same time, she thinks compatibility is about having the exact same interests and fulfilling a checklist, so all in all, not a surprise she's been single for so long. (I had to explain to her Erz's "60% match" philosophy as well as how my husband and I are compatible even though we barely share interests. )

If you're on a date, and a woman dismisses you because you didn't fulfill her checklist, then good riddance. She's looking for the wrong thing, and it's better to just let that go and keep searching for someone actually compatible with you.

 

[warhorse78]

I had a talk with him. He says he genuinely cares for me, and wants me, but he's just been so busy with school and work. He keeps telling me to relax, things will fall into place, and to just give us time. Let it build up. He also texted me that he is there for me when I need him.

Now here is some interesting stuff. He really can't hide too much of himself, because half his family works with us, and then there are the other co-workers that hang out too. He might mention these other friends he hangs out with, but his brother is like, he's lying, he just stays home and plays on the computer or studies. He really has no life, and is kind of too broke to have a life. The other co-workers actually make fun of him, as long as they have known him, he's never seemed to have a girlfriend, and they even thought he was gay for a while. They could be onto something, because while we did have sex, despite him claiming to be having all of these girlfriends in the past, he seemed kind of novice with the whole thing. He was more of a jackrabbit than a lover, if you get what I mean? He just doesn't seem to have the experience I was expecting, which is OK, because I'm no wild woman in bed either. I'm just wondering if he's just a really shy person and is a bit of a loner. I asked him about it once, and he was like, no, I got tons of friends. But like I said, he's either hanging out with us, or at home studying/sleeping.

I wonder if he really does like me, but is afraid of the relationship aspect. He still gets jealous when another guy is around me. And I did ask him what the deal is with him and the other girl. He says that she has been a good friend to him, but nothing more than that, and that he would like it if I became good friends with her too, because when he's out of the picture, we actually do get along well. Actually, all three of us seem to have a blast. I'm just torn, but I do understand, we have been an "item" so to speak for just a month now, and that the best things in life take time.

I did get pretty wasted at the party on Saturday night, and all day Sunday and Monday night, he kept on texting and calling to see if I was alright. We had small talk, and stayed up till 2 in the morning chatting. A guy wouldn't do that unless he cared, right? If he only wanted me for a booty call, he would only call for that, and if anything, he's been not wanting to sleep with me. He says he's been busy, and he wants to take things slow. THe man makes me happy when he's around, but still confuses the hell out of me. I'm not getting any bad vibes or anything though. Is patience the key here? I was honestly not looking for a relationship with anyone when he stumbled into my life, so I am not one of those girls looking to date and date until I find a suitable mate. I'm more of the type, if it's fate, he'll come into my life, and I feel like this man is in that scenario. We do have a deep connection, (sometimes I wake up at 3 in the morning, thinking about him, and he will just all of a sudden text "u up? I can't sleep!" That's some creepy stuff there). He just seems to know when I am blue and will either text me, or see me at work and come up and hug me. Stuff like this is why I just don't want to give up on him despite the weirdness going on.

 

[Anita18]

I did get pretty wasted at the party on Saturday night, and all day Sunday and Monday night, he kept on texting and calling to see if I was alright. We had small talk, and stayed up till 2 in the morning chatting. A guy wouldn't do that unless he cared, right? If he only wanted me for a booty call, he would only call for that, and if anything, he's been not wanting to sleep with me. He says he's been busy, and he wants to take things slow. THe man makes me happy when he's around, but still confuses the hell out of me. I'm not getting any bad vibes or anything though. Is patience the key here? I was honestly not looking for a relationship with anyone when he stumbled into my life, so I am not one of those girls looking to date and date until I find a suitable mate. I'm more of the type, if it's fate, he'll come into my life, and I feel like this man is in that scenario. We do have a deep connection, (sometimes I wake up at 3 in the morning, thinking about him, and he will just all of a sudden text "u up? I can't sleep!" That's some creepy stuff there). He just seems to know when I am blue and will either text me, or see me at work and come up and hug me. Stuff like this is why I just don't want to give up on him despite the weirdness going on.

I dunno, it definitely seems that you're looking for something concrete, and that you're impatient to want to put a label on this. That's why he's confusing you even though it's clear (even by your own admission) that he cares about you.

When I started dating my husband, there wasn't really any sign that he was THAT interested in me. He just kept asking me out. That's it. He could have been dating other women at the time and I didn't care. But I felt comfortable around him and nobody else was asking me out. He actually put the label on it first, months in. I asked if we were gf/bf, and he said, "Well, I told my coworkers I spend the weekend with my gf, so..."

So yes, if you really care about this guy and you "aren't looking" for a relationship, I think that's enough to go on right now. BUT if you want to be with this guy in public, put a label on it, be exclusive, be shown off and introduced as his gf, maybe it's time to move on and stop stressing yourself about all this.

 

[hopefuldreamer]

Sorry I haven't responded guys... the whole thing just feels so heavy, i've been trying to avoid it. But here we go.

You all have been together a while. I know if my GF was speaking like this I would think, "Hey, if that's the way you feel, maybe we should move on"

I would say he loves you, in his own way. How can you live with someone that long be intimate and not?

You can't talk to him about this?

I've tried... sort of. He's not very good with words, and so whenever I try and bring it up, it's mostly just me saying things and him listening and sort of agreeing but having no explanation even for himself... he can't even give a straight answer to why he can't say he loves me. Like he won't confirm that his inability to say it means he DOESN'T because he does care about me a lot... he just hasn't even said it before, and doesn't want to say it until he really feels it.

Hopeful, before I dole out my AnitaAdviceTM, I'd like to point out that whatever you decide is really up to you and what's important to you. Only you can define what your dealbreakers are.

I wasn't going to mention this out of the blue, but Nell said I could, and it's relevant, so I'm going to. Nell broke up with his gf last week, because even though she was everything he'd wanted in a gf personality-wise, they had some BIG things that would cause serious issues down the road. They lived about an hour away from each other, and neither wants to move because their careers are location-focused. (Both of them were mid-level in their careers and moving would involve starting over.) And she was leaning against having more kids, while it's important to Nell.

Despite all the things going for her, those were two really REALLY big things that no amount of compatibility was going to overcome. He's having normal post-breakup feelings of regret, but agrees that in the end, it's for the best. So whatever you decide, at least come out of it thinking that it's for the best.

That's a shame At least he was able to make the right decision without falling into the trap of 'i'll never find anything better'.

That's a really good step for him

What I bolded up there, I don't have that either. I've been with my husband for 7 years and I've never had that. It's just not the person my husband is. He doesn't do lovey-dovey eye contact, not for anyone. I'm lucky if I get a second of silent eye contact before he gets weirded out. He's not open with his feelings, he keeps things very private and close to himself. Even at our wedding, he was clearly happy, but not overcome with emotion.

The closest I ever came to actually seeing the depths of his feelings for me was the last time we visited his grandpa, who is 95 and in a nursing home. He has trouble communicating but is still mentally there, more or less. He was watching us sit together across from him, then grinned suddenly and declared, "You chose well!" I saw my husband blink away tears and smile at me before trying a hilariously awkward side hug.

After waffling on things like you did, early on, I eventually decided that not having someone super-lovey-dovey for me was fine, because I'm clearly special to him. He's chosen to be with me far longer than anyone else - the other women he's been with, he only dated for a few months before breaking up with them. He makes great effort to work things out with me, when he has absolutely zero patience for anyone else. (And I mean zero!) It's actually quite amazing to see him somehow scrounge up the willpower not to explode when it's me he's mad at. He makes no such effort for anyone else, not even his parents. And only I can make him smile when he's feeling super frustrated about work or skateboarding or whatnot.

Despite him being pretty low on the absolute scale of affection, I know for a fact that I'm truly special to him. I decided that was enough for me.

Not everyone shows affection and love the same way, and I think you do realize that. The real issue here is, you don't know if you're truly special to your bf. He may treat you better than his previous gfs, but unless he tells you what he's only told his family (that he loves you), you're can't be sure if you are truly special in his life.

Maybe that'll change, maybe it won't. Maybe he's that much of a un-ambitious stoner that it doesn't matter much to him as long as everyone's content, more or less. But he should know that you want to know if you're special to him. Maybe he'll decide that he likes you enough to not want to lose you, and makes more effort. You won't know if you don't try.

I know i'm special to him, I really do.

I've been sick the last couple of days and he kept making me concoctions to try and make me feel better. He kissed me even when I told him not to cause he'd catch it. And the first thing he did when he woke up this morning was stroke my face and ask me if I was feeling better.

The guy is sweet, and kind and gentle. And he shows me enough casual affection most of the time that I know he wants me around and enjoys being close to me.

I know that I am a positive force in his life, just like he's been a positive force in mine. We've both been partying much less, and it's lead to us both being promoted/getting better jobs.

We talk about the future and I feel like he can see the same thing I can... that we could easily stay together and grow old together and have pretty easy life.

But... something about it just doesn't feel real. Like we're just going through the motions. Both of us.

That maybe he's only play acting at a feeling he can never really feel, because he was lonely and we fit so well together and I made it so easy for him.

But his emotions just don't run that deep... period.

We were watching Peter Pan the other day, and I felt like this scene mirrored how I felt exactly.

[YT]cGQVhbHqKtA[/YT]

How you can be on cloud nine, floating above the trees if you let yourself indulge in the fantasy for a while... but eventually, when you ask the real questions, the reality brings you back down to earth and then all there is is a broken heart.

Because you are chasing a boy who cannot love.

Hopeful, you can't compare other people's relationships to yours. They're always going to be different dynamic because you're not the same people.

I can liken this to myself. My wife didn't come from the most affectionate of families. When I get her gifts she doesn't squeal or bawl. That's not how she was. The only time is when I proposed and she honestly surprised me when cried. That meant a lot to me and solidified my decision.

We've mentioned here about if that person marks off enough ticks off your checklist you have to decide that's enough. It's never going to be 100%. If you can find 60%, I think you're lucky.

It's rough because this has been you're more successful relationship and in comparison yes it's better than what you've had but that doesn't necessarily mean you should settle. If you want something more, there's nothing wrong with that.

Well that's what i've been trying to do, weighing all the good and bad and trying to make a logical decision, which has so far lead me to staying with him.

And there have been moments where i've felt like I was starting to feel in love which is why I told him... but at the moment i'm doubting those moments were ACTUAL love at all. Or just being caught in the fantasy of a relationship. Because I was without one for so long, that I think I might have just been in love with the feeling of being someone's girlfriend.

I'd say he meets 70% of my criteria on paper. But one of the things that's missing, this 1% is like... making cakes without sugar. Making a roast dinner without gravy... It's just missing something essential.

I hate to say this BUT, either one may not be the wrong choice. The thing about love and relationships is you could be missing on something better. Or you could date other people and they won't measure up. Sometimes the only way to know is by making the wrong choice.

The only question I have is have you expressed your concerns about this relationship to him?

We had a fight a couple of months back, because he said he had to work my birthday/our anniversary weekend (which he'd said he booked off months ago, and we'd bought tickets to an event that day).

It lead to me flipping out (not angrily, but upset), leaving and sitting at a friends for a bit while I cried and cooled off, then coming home to find his response to our fight was to roll over and go back to sleep... just re affirming what he'd already made me feel... that he just doesn't care enough.

So I sat on the windowsill listening to 'I can't make you love me' sung by Adele over and over, crying, and being certain that I needed to end this... while he just dozed on lazily.

I knew in this moment that he would never stop disappointing me. That if I stayed with him, i'd spend my whole life making excuses in my head for all the things he doesn't do or say.

And there was this sort of clarity to it... in that moment I WANTED it to be over. I knew what I had to do. I wanted to be free of the constant indecision, and just be able to go back to my search for love knowing that I can't just try and force it to grow where it won't.

I knew in my heart that although I would hurt a lot, and I would grieve and I would miss him terribly and really struggle with wanting to stay friends but not mess him about by running back to him every time I had a drink...

...but in the end, I would feel relief. Like being able to breath again.

I haven't been able to get that moment out of my head since.

I ended up waking him up and had the courage to demand we talk about what's going on. I told him that I couldn't do this any more, he said 'well what, do you want to break up' and I hesitated... and then I said 'I just don't want to be unhappy... and I am'. And then I told him why. That I was unhappy because he was so miserable at his job he was bringing it home to me. That he was paying me no attention in the small amount of time we have together (with our opposite schedules, it's not a lot). That we weren't having sex. That because he wasn't making any move sexually and never compliments me, I had no way of knowing whether he even still liked me... and it made me constantly paranoid.

And he just sort of took it... like he could see I was right. He said a few things back, but mostly he just listened and then brought me in for a hug and apologised.

In the few weeks that followed, he made A LOT of effort. He told his work he was having the weekend off no matter what they said. He made a lot of effort to make me feel desired (grabbing me and kissing my passionately, slapping my bum, making moves on me more... and even in bed stepped it up (like he was trying out moves he'd read about or been told about).

And we sat down and properly talked about his job and his options, and because of that kick up the backside he's now working as a sushi chef - something he's always wanted to do - and getting paid a lot more and is a lot happier in general.

I guess I felt like 'you can't dump a guy when he's literally doing everything he can to make things work... that's a guy you want to keep.' And for a while, that was enough.

But... now I guess I feel like I opened Pandora's Box of emotions that day. And it's lingered.

I can't seem to stop crying. At least a few times a week.

Every time I hear the word love on a tv show or in a film (which is pretty much all the damn time) I think about it. Every time I hear another couple say it, or I see that look in someone elses eyes, I think about it.

I've been looking for a flat for us since we're both being paid better, and this bedsit situation really needs to change... but now I don't know what to do. Maybe I shouldn't be moving in with someone that i'm so confused about.

I know, I know, I need to talk to him about it.

I am just so horribly afraid that i'm wrong. That i'm going to end up losing the best thing that's ever happened to me romantically because I was too greedy. That I might find other relationships in the future, but none of them will feel so warm and comfortable and easy and i'll always regret valuing my idealised version of love over something long lasting.

 

[SuperSanchez]

Not necessarily relationship related, but is it weird that I'm a guy who tends to like talking to girls more than guys, I think it's just I can be an emotional person I guess and to guys that makes me a pussay.... opinions?

 

[Six]

No, not really. I've gotten pretty fed up with my friends a few times in the past, I basically told them I don't wanna hang out if all we're gonna do is make dick jokes. I mean, I appreciate a well timed dick joke as much as the next guy, but if your entire personality is based on your obsession with genitalia, it gets really old fast. I'd rather talk about literally anything else.

 

[Anita18]

Hopeful, if I were in your shoes, I would stay. I would translate his actions as him loving me, even if they weren't the typical signs of it. But "chemistry" and "lovey dovey eyes" and sweeping romantic gestures isn't that important to me. It sounds like they are to you. A lot. So much that you're thinking of giving up someone who's "70%" of what you want because you're afraid it isn't real. Because he isn't speaking your love language.

The love language thing is important. I have a friend who got divorced because he didn't see eye to eye with his ex-wife about how to show love.

It sounds like whatever he's doing, you're not picking up "love" on. And that sounds like a compatibility thing.

For me, it took about a year to truly appreciate my husband's gestures for love. For a long time, I thought it wasn't real because he wasn't outgoing about it. But I can see that it's as real as it will get for him - he's just not an outgoing, lovey dovey guy. But he's also given me things I didn't even know I wanted in a relationship, like unconditional support. That trumps any "my wife is the beesssst!" showiness he might give off to his friends.

But again, that's just me. And my doubt was merely a niggling thought in my mind - I didn't wrack myself over it. I didn't cry over it. It was like "Hmm I wonder if this is what love should be like" and then I simply decided it was enough for me.

But it sounds like it's seriously stressing you out, and it really shouldn't do that. If the relationship's long-term viability is bothering you so much for so long, I think it's best to let him go and see what else is out there. IMO it's better to be single than to always wonder "What if."

 

[hopefuldreamer]

I'm assuming as your married, he HAS said it though?

How far down the line did you get that verbal confirmation?

I don't want 'lovey dovey eyes' (always found that kind of thing kind of creepy) and it's not that I want sparks flying or butterflies in my tummy (I feel like that's the sort of stuff I grew out of when I was a teen).

Yes, i'd probably like someone who was more capable of being romantic. But then the little times he almost is... it means so much more than dating someone who is a natural showman and does it all the time. Like when he picked me a flower and put it in a glass next to my bed. Or buying me a bonzai tree for my birthday so we could grow something together.

I just need to know straight how he feels.

And after over a year of living together, he still can't tell me that.

I don't want to spend my life spending every day having to try and peice together his feelings based on his actions, and constantly second guessing myself because in any relationship that can be inconsistent.

Day 1: 'Oh, he looked after me when I was ill and kissed me even though I was sick - he loves me'
Day 2: 'Oh, he got really high and forgot he'd asked me if I wanted to eat out tonight, and so he ordered a pizza instead and now can't be bothered - he doesn't really give a crap'

You can't possibly know you're right until someone tells you they love you.

And i'm not saying that makes it certain either Cause I know i've had my share of liars. That's WHY I over analyse this stuff so much... I really don't want to love someone who doesn't love me back anymore. I mean... NO ONE has ever told me they loved me other than the guy who cheated on me.

But if someone has said they love you AND you feel like most of the time they treat you like they do, it's a much more secure place to be emotionally.

 

[Anita18]

I think it must have been months and months in. I actually don't remember. He still only tells me he loves me about once a month. And he definitely has his grumpy days where I can't talk to him. But I have the confidence of knowing that if he truly had a problem with the relationship, he would tell me. I've always had that confidence, even early on when I was still wondering if we were just going through the motions. (He always apologizes later for being grumpy. I appreciate the gesture even though I'm always aware that it's him and not me.)

But that's the thing. I interpret his actions every day for love. If I didn't have those acts of service every day (and saw how little he notices the needs of anyone else), I too would wonder if he really cared about me that much, or whether we were just going through the motions. But acts of service happens to be my love language, not words of affirmation. It seems like you need words of affirmation, and that's not anyone's fault.

I mean, it certainly isn't like my friend having to interpret straight up verbal abuse from her dad as "Well he's just saying that because that's how he shows he loves me." It's messed up, but luckily she's aware how effed up it is and is with a truly kind supportive partner. It's the only way she could mentally handle her relationship with her dad.

 

[Erzengel]

It sounds like whatever he's doing, you're not picking up "love" on. And that sounds like a compatibility thing.

I think that's it in a nutshell. Compatibility. There's levels of it and like the whole "60%", it's what you're comfortable with and/or what's good enough for you.

101 different things could happen. You could break up with him, and the next girl he does everything you wanted him to do. That's the only way some people learn.

It sucks that sometimes, we learn from losing someone.

I'm assuming as your married, he HAS said it though?

How far down the line did you get that verbal confirmation?

My wife, then gf at the time told me a few months, met in Feb, so maybe April? Which was big for her because of her family life and originally schooling was more important to her. She likes to joke that when she first wanted to get out there and date, she met me and I somewhat put the kabosh on that.

Me, I felt it probably unconsciously, and it just sorta came out a month later. Like something building up inside, that I just blurted it out.

We say it daily. Some might say it's habit or loses it's meaning, but it doesn't mean any less than the following day. Sometimes she says it first, other times it's me.

But everyone isn't the same, obviously Anita and her husband have a different dynamic. That works for them. This works for me. Neither is always right.

But that's the thing. I interpret his actions every day for love. If I didn't have those acts of service every day (and saw how little he notices the needs of anyone else), I too would wonder if he really cared about me that much, or whether we were just going through the motions. But acts of service happens to be my love language, not words of affirmation. It seems like you need words of affirmation, and that's not anyone's fault.

I mean, it certainly isn't like my friend having to interpret straight up verbal abuse from her dad as "Well he's just saying that because that's how he shows he loves me." It's messed up, but luckily she's aware how effed up it is and is with a truly kind supportive partner. It's the only way she could mentally handle her relationship with her dad.

Out of all those language of love, I like to think I do all 5 of them honestly. I think probably words of affirmation and acts of services and physical touch is a 3 way tie. She jokingly says all 4 except the buying gifts.

Again, Hopeful, it's what's important to you and what you are okay with.

I do think you 2 need to have a HUGE talk before you decide on moving into a bigger place. Especially if it's both your names on a lease. I joke that having a place in 2 names seems more binding than a marriage these days.

 

[Erzengel]

Not necessarily relationship related, but is it weird that I'm a guy who tends to like talking to girls more than guys, I think it's just I can be an emotional person I guess and to guys that makes me a pussay.... opinions?

One of my wife's friends, called me one of the girls. That didn't do well for my ego. But, it's not like I'm trying to bed them either. I've always got along better with women though. But it's my best friends that are male, and they've been around for years.

In school, you do have to deal with your classmates comments. I mean years later who gives a eff but dealing it with it then and now can be bothersome.

 

[warhorse78]

I dunno, it definitely seems that you're looking for something concrete, and that you're impatient to want to put a label on this. That's why he's confusing you even though it's clear (even by your own admission) that he cares about you.

When I started dating my husband, there wasn't really any sign that he was THAT interested in me. He just kept asking me out. That's it. He could have been dating other women at the time and I didn't care. But I felt comfortable around him and nobody else was asking me out. He actually put the label on it first, months in. I asked if we were gf/bf, and he said, "Well, I told my coworkers I spend the weekend with my gf, so..."

So yes, if you really care about this guy and you "aren't looking" for a relationship, I think that's enough to go on right now. BUT if you want to be with this guy in public, put a label on it, be exclusive, be shown off and introduced as his gf, maybe it's time to move on and stop stressing yourself about all this.

I'm just going to roll with it for now. It's not like I got anything else going on in my life.

 

[warhorse78]

Not necessarily relationship related, but is it weird that I'm a guy who tends to like talking to girls more than guys, I think it's just I can be an emotional person I guess and to guys that makes me a pussay.... opinions?

Is it weird that most of my friends I talk to are guys? Don't sweat it. You like who you like.

 

[Erzengel]

From what you said, maybe you're right and he doesn't know how to do relationship. If his inexperience is manifesting itself in the bedroom, it's not that hard to extrapolate that maybe it's the same with women and relationships.

Maybe he doesn't know the nuances of how to treat you?