Sorry I haven't responded guys... the whole thing just feels so heavy, i've been trying to avoid it. But here we go.
You all have been together a while. I know if my GF was speaking like this I would think, "Hey, if that's the way you feel, maybe we should move on"
I would say he loves you, in his own way. How can you live with someone that long be intimate and not?
You can't talk to him about this?
I've tried... sort of. He's not very good with words, and so whenever I try and bring it up, it's mostly just me saying things and him listening and sort of agreeing but having no explanation even for himself... he can't even give a straight answer to why he can't say he loves me. Like he won't confirm that his inability to say it means he DOESN'T because he does care about me a lot... he just hasn't even said it before, and doesn't want to say it until he really feels it.
Hopeful, before I dole out my AnitaAdviceTM, I'd like to point out that whatever you decide is really up to you and what's important to you. Only
you can define what your dealbreakers are.
I wasn't going to mention this out of the blue, but Nell said I could, and it's relevant, so I'm going to.
Nell broke up with his gf last week, because even though she was everything he'd wanted in a gf personality-wise, they had some BIG things that would cause serious issues down the road. They lived about an hour away from each other, and neither wants to move because their careers are location-focused. (Both of them were mid-level in their careers and moving would involve starting over.) And she was leaning against having more kids, while it's important to Nell.
Despite all the things going for her, those were two really REALLY big things that no amount of compatibility was going to overcome. He's having normal post-breakup feelings of regret, but agrees that in the end, it's for the best. So whatever you decide, at least come out of it thinking that it's for the best.
That's a shame
At least he was able to make the right decision without falling into the trap of 'i'll never find anything better'.
That's a really good step for him
What I bolded up there, I don't have that either. I've been with my husband for 7 years and I've never had that. It's just not the person my husband is. He doesn't do lovey-dovey eye contact, not for anyone. I'm lucky if I get a second of silent eye contact before he gets weirded out.
He's not open with his feelings, he keeps things very private and close to himself. Even at our wedding, he was clearly happy, but not overcome with emotion.
The closest I ever came to actually seeing the depths of his feelings for me was the last time we visited his grandpa, who is 95 and in a nursing home. He has trouble communicating but is still mentally there, more or less. He was watching us sit together across from him, then grinned suddenly and declared, "You chose well!" I saw my husband blink away tears and smile at me before trying a hilariously awkward side hug.
After waffling on things like you did, early on, I eventually decided that not having someone super-lovey-dovey for me was fine, because I'm clearly special to him. He's chosen to be with me far longer than anyone else - the other women he's been with, he only dated for a few months before breaking up with them. He makes great effort to work things out with me, when he has absolutely zero patience for anyone else. (And I mean
zero!) It's actually quite amazing to see him somehow scrounge up the willpower not to explode when it's me he's mad at.
He makes no such effort for anyone else, not even his parents. And only I can make him smile when he's feeling super frustrated about work or skateboarding or whatnot.
Despite him being pretty low on the absolute scale of affection, I know for a fact that I'm truly special to him. I decided that was enough for me.
Not everyone shows affection and love the same way, and I think you do realize that.
The real issue here is, you don't know if you're truly special to your bf. He may treat you better than his previous gfs, but unless he tells you what he's only told his family (that he loves you), you're can't be sure if you are truly special in his life.
Maybe that'll change, maybe it won't. Maybe he's that much of a un-ambitious stoner that it doesn't matter much to him as long as everyone's content, more or less. But he should know that you want to know if you're special to him. Maybe he'll decide that he likes you enough to not want to lose you, and makes more effort. You won't know if you don't try.
I know i'm special to him, I really do.
I've been sick the last couple of days and he kept making me concoctions to try and make me feel better. He kissed me even when I told him not to cause he'd catch it. And the first thing he did when he woke up this morning was stroke my face and ask me if I was feeling better.
The guy is sweet, and kind and gentle. And he shows me enough casual affection most of the time that I know he wants me around and enjoys being close to me.
I know that I am a positive force in his life, just like he's been a positive force in mine. We've both been partying much less, and it's lead to us both being promoted/getting better jobs.
We talk about the future and I feel like he can see the same thing I can... that we could easily stay together and grow old together and have pretty easy life.
But... something about it just doesn't feel real. Like we're just going through the motions. Both of us.
That maybe he's only play acting at a feeling he can never really feel, because he was lonely and we fit so well together and I made it so easy for him.
But his emotions just don't run that deep... period.
We were watching Peter Pan the other day, and I felt like this scene mirrored how I felt exactly.
[YT]cGQVhbHqKtA[/YT]
How you can be on cloud nine, floating above the trees if you let yourself indulge in the fantasy for a while... but eventually, when you ask the real questions, the reality brings you back down to earth and then all there is is a broken heart.
Because you are chasing a boy who cannot love.
Hopeful, you can't compare other people's relationships to yours. They're always going to be different dynamic because you're not the same people.
I can liken this to myself. My wife didn't come from the most affectionate of families. When I get her gifts she doesn't squeal or bawl. That's not how she was. The only time is when I proposed and she honestly surprised me when cried. That meant a lot to me and solidified my decision.
We've mentioned here about if that person marks off enough ticks off your checklist you have to decide that's enough. It's never going to be 100%. If you can find 60%, I think you're lucky.
It's rough because this has been you're more successful relationship and in comparison yes it's better than what you've had but that doesn't necessarily mean you should settle. If you want something more, there's nothing wrong with that.
Well that's what i've been trying to do, weighing all the good and bad and trying to make a logical decision, which has so far lead me to staying with him.
And there have been moments where i've felt like I was starting to feel in love which is why I told him... but at the moment i'm doubting those moments were ACTUAL love at all. Or just being caught in the fantasy of a relationship. Because I was without one for so long, that I think I might have just been in love with the feeling of being someone's girlfriend.
I'd say he meets 70% of my criteria on paper. But one of the things that's missing, this 1% is like... making cakes without sugar. Making a roast dinner without gravy... It's just missing something essential.
I hate to say this BUT, either one may not be the wrong choice. The thing about love and relationships is you could be missing on something better. Or you could date other people and they won't measure up. Sometimes the only way to know is by making the wrong choice.
The only question I have is have you expressed your concerns about this relationship to him?
We had a fight a couple of months back, because he said he had to work my birthday/our anniversary weekend (which he'd said he booked off months ago, and we'd bought tickets to an event that day).
It lead to me flipping out (not angrily, but upset), leaving and sitting at a friends for a bit while I cried and cooled off, then coming home to find his response to our fight was to roll over and go back to sleep... just re affirming what he'd already made me feel... that he just doesn't care enough.
So I sat on the windowsill listening to 'I can't make you love me' sung by Adele over and over, crying, and being certain that I needed to end this... while he just dozed on lazily.
I knew in this moment that he would never stop disappointing me. That if I stayed with him, i'd spend my whole life making excuses in my head for all the things he doesn't do or say.
And there was this sort of clarity to it... in that moment I WANTED it to be over. I knew what I had to do. I wanted to be free of the constant indecision, and just be able to go back to my search for love knowing that I can't just try and force it to grow where it won't.
I knew in my heart that although I would hurt a lot, and I would grieve and I would miss him terribly and really struggle with wanting to stay friends but not mess him about by running back to him every time I had a drink...
...but in the end, I would feel relief. Like being able to breath again.
I haven't been able to get that moment out of my head since.
I ended up waking him up and had the courage to demand we talk about what's going on. I told him that I couldn't do this any more, he said 'well what, do you want to break up' and I hesitated... and then I said 'I just don't want to be unhappy... and I am'. And then I told him why. That I was unhappy because he was so miserable at his job he was bringing it home to me. That he was paying me no attention in the small amount of time we have together (with our opposite schedules, it's not a lot). That we weren't having sex. That because he wasn't making any move sexually and never compliments me, I had no way of knowing whether he even still liked me... and it made me constantly paranoid.
And he just sort of took it... like he could see I was right. He said a few things back, but mostly he just listened and then brought me in for a hug and apologised.
In the few weeks that followed, he made A LOT of effort. He told his work he was having the weekend off no matter what they said. He made a lot of effort to make me feel desired (grabbing me and kissing my passionately, slapping my bum, making moves on me more... and even in bed stepped it up (like he was trying out moves he'd read about or been told about).
And we sat down and properly talked about his job and his options, and because of that kick up the backside he's now working as a sushi chef - something he's always wanted to do - and getting paid a lot more and is a lot happier in general.
I guess I felt like 'you can't dump a guy when he's literally doing everything he can to make things work... that's a guy you want to keep.' And for a while, that was enough.
But... now I guess I feel like I opened Pandora's Box of emotions that day. And it's lingered.
I can't seem to stop crying. At least a few times a week.
Every time I hear the word love on a tv show or in a film (which is pretty much all the damn time) I think about it. Every time I hear another couple say it, or I see that look in someone elses eyes, I think about it.
I've been looking for a flat for us since we're both being paid better, and this bedsit situation really needs to change... but now I don't know what to do. Maybe I shouldn't be moving in with someone that i'm so confused about.
I know, I know, I need to talk to him about it.
I am just so horribly afraid that i'm wrong. That i'm going to end up losing the best thing that's ever happened to me romantically because I was too greedy. That I might find other relationships in the future, but none of them will feel so warm and comfortable and easy and i'll always regret valuing my idealised version of love over something long lasting.