The Relationship Thread: Because Superhero Forums are Full of Sexperts! - Part 30

[DA_Champion]

I wouldn't do that either knowing what it's like. I don't know why people who are supposedly your friends can do that.

When I'm trying to arrange something when both parties have already agreed to meet up/ go out, I might send a message or two to try to arrange, or if I haven't heard back from them. It's not like a ton in a stalking kind of way but a reasonable amount (eg 1 or 2). And if you're on Whatsapp or texting, you might not write everything all in one message.

I would hope that this wouldn't be taken as stalking and then a reason to drop the friendship/relationship. But it makes me wonder if that was the reason. But it can't be that a friendship/relationship is so fragile that something like that (which you reasonably do in the course of arranging something) automatically spells the end and you never hear from them again.

At least if they can't make it or don't want to go out after all, they should say so. But to go silent, especially after you ask them if anything is wrong because you didn't hear anything anymore is just wrong and suggests they didn't care about you or your friendship to begin with if it can be disposed of so easily. What would happen if there were any disagreements or other conflicts which is usual in a relationship then?

I agree with you, it's unlikely that somebody ends a valuable friendship on a moment's notice. It may be that the other person is a sociopath who lacks empathy and who never valued the friendship, or that there were conflicts that made the issue a long time coming.

A lot of people go out of their way to avoid conflict and confrontation. So instead of letting you know at an early point that they have concerns, they won't, this will snowball over time and eventually they will end everything. My impression is that this is more common in some cultures: anglo-saxon (i.e. WASP), german, and east Asian (see the stereotype of Japanese girlfriends), and less common among Mediterranean peoples.

I'm sorry this is happening to you man. It's happening to me twice now from two separate sources and the pain has been unbearable.

 

[the_ultimate_evil]

I never had a problem with the hair loss thing, all of the men in my family had it so I expected it, so once it got really noticeable I just shaved me head.

I can understand some aren't comfortable with it but some it suits, everyone who now sees me with hair in photos says I look better bald

It's a confidence thing which is really ironic because my roommates gf just chewed me out the other day for being down on myself and lacking confidence, and how I'm a different person half the time and I make too many jokes at my own exspence about my appearance

It's a hard thing to balance I at times really don't believe I'm good enough for some. I mean just this week I met an amazing girl on an app we chatted for ages, she even said she wanted to meet up. I made a joke about making it official and asked her out her response was she'd love to

. She said as she had a kid shed have to see when she was free, I sent her a message a day later saying how about dinner tonight or tomorrow, I got no answer waited a day sent her a message just a simple hey, and asked did I say something wrong it's now been 3 days and nothing

Now it's simple that she has changed her mind, or is just busy, but it doesn't stop your brain going mental wondering what you did wrong or how you screwed it up.

Like I said earlier in the thread I'm not totally over the other girl and I never will be I think but I'm trying to move on but it's a git when stuff like this happens is it any wonder I get stressed and over think lol

 

[Erzengel]

I've read your last few posts and I have to be honest, even though you've had lots and lots of talks with this girl, it doesn't appear that you had any semblance of a relationship. And it appears that maybe you chose the wrong girl. You chose a girl who was in a relationship and whatever feelings she may of had for you was started off wrong seeing as she was never over her ex now current. That's more of a reflection on her than you to be honest. You shouldn't be beating yourself up about it and act like this was the one that got away because it doesn't seem like you had much of a chance to begin with. Again, not a reflection on you just the situation.

It sucks that she's in your circle of friends which means that she's always around and that there seems to be some friends who may not understand that it may be hard to be in your position.

I know of someone else in Belfast on a different messageboard and it doesn't seem like to most single friendly places around. Maybe it's time to set your boundaries a little further out.

 

[the_ultimate_evil]

I've read your last few posts and I have to be honest, even though you've had lots and lots of talks with this girl, it doesn't appear that you had any semblance of a relationship. And it appears that maybe you chose the wrong girl. You chose a girl who was in a relationship and whatever feelings she may of had for you was started off wrong seeing as she was never over her ex now current. That's more of a reflection on her than you to be honest. You shouldn't be beating yourself up about it and act like this was the one that got away because it doesn't seem like you had much of a chance to begin with. Again, not a reflection on you just the situation.

It sucks that she's in your circle of friends which means that she's always around and that there seems to be some friends who may not understand that it may be hard to be in your position.

I know of someone else in Belfast on a different messageboard and it doesn't seem like to most single friendly places around. Maybe it's time to set your boundaries a little further out.

I agree with everything you have said mate and I have thought about it myself. It wasn't a relationship in any way but I was one of the few times where I was happy and confident which is what hurts. It really takes mea hells of a lot of to be comfortable to open up and trust someone with her it just clicked and everyone around me said I was so different and what they thought I should be

It's just very hard to get over with, the problem is I'm always second guessing myself over everything I over think and with her that never happend

Like I said before I'm not stupid I don't think it's destiny or I have a chance, I'm the one who decided to stop talking because she told our mutual friend that seeing me made her feel strange and awkward so I decided I'd never make her feel that way so I tried to keep contact to a bare minimum which really hurt as we had been good friends for a few months before this all kicked off.

So it wasn't just losing the chance of a relationship I lost my best friend. I'm really regretting posting this here and it's done nothing but make me look like a creeper and knowing my luck someone I know is gonna read it

The last example I posted about the girl in an app is completely separate from my group and only happened this week, no one but me knows about her

As for Belfast yeah your right the social scene here is limited the bars are either teeny clubs, couples hangouts or scummy chav bars so I don't think I'd be going to them.

 

[Anita18]

the_ultimate_evil and DA_Champion, Nell (remember him? ) has been reading this thread and he'd like to pass on a message.

He was like you both once, 31 without a single serious relationship to his name. He thought no women wanted him, that no woman found him "good enough" to be in a relationship with. Nowadays, about a year later, he's actually dating someone more often than not, and his romantic prospects have totally turned a 180. It all started when he found himself in that first relationship with someone that he didn't expect - he didn't seriously crush on her beforehand, so his expectations weren't as high as they usually are for him. These are his words:

I think once I had that experience, it gave me more confidence knowing that I had success by being myself, and being true to myself, and not trying to pretend to follow a certain set of rules to impress someone. I think it also helped that because I've mentioned that I wasn't sure if I was 100% attracted to her, I wasn't totally invested in an outcome, so I didn't care if I "failed." So I was more true to myself.

They didn't work out due to serious life-compatibility reasons (location, whether or not to have kids), but that was a huge stepping stone for him, and he came out with more confidence, and got more dates. "It was all a process that helped develop my confidence that YES I actually can be appealing to the opposite sex."

If it helps, he's been meeting these women online. Tinder, Plenty of Fish, OK Cupid, Eharmony. He actually doesn't recommend Match, because from his experience, the women there have outrageous expectations, even moreso than Eharmony. He's actually found more success with Tinder lately than anything else. "The fact that I didn't start off asking women for sex or nudes on there actually got me pretty far lol." Although you gotta watch out for the spam accounts, on Tinder and POF.

Things still aren't perfect, but his outlook has totally turned around.

Now I'm a little more stable in knowing that, even when I'm sad and upset about a relationship not working out, I have a better sense of "it didn't work with HER, that doesn't mean I'm doomed to be alone. So knowing what my mindset was back then, and seeing it again, it might be beneficial for someone like ultimate evil to know that nell of all people is up to 3 women he's actually had sex with, and has seen romantic and sexual success, and now has an entirely different outlook that it IS possible. If I can do it, anyone can lol.

My other theory is just that, now that I'm older, and I'm working with a pool of women who are a bit older (as in, not college age), I'm meeting women who are at more of a stage where they value what I bring to the table more so than the more "exciting" things that younger people tend to value.

So even if you aren't an exciting jock, that's not what a lot of women are looking for past their mid-20s, unless they're totally immature and ridiculous. Which you don't want anyway.

 

[Dark Raven]

I agree with you, it's unlikely that somebody ends a valuable friendship on a moment's notice. It may be that the other person is a sociopath who lacks empathy and who never valued the friendship, or that there were conflicts that made the issue a long time coming.

A lot of people go out of their way to avoid conflict and confrontation. So instead of letting you know at an early point that they have concerns, they won't, this will snowball over time and eventually they will end everything. My impression is that this is more common in some cultures: anglo-saxon (i.e. WASP), german, and east Asian (see the stereotype of Japanese girlfriends), and less common among Mediterranean peoples.

I'm sorry this is happening to you man. It's happening to me twice now from two separate sources and the pain has been unbearable.

I'm sorry it's happened to you too on two separate occasions.

In my case, I cannot even figure out what has gone wrong. It was a friend who was going back home to her country and all that was happening was that we were supposed to be meeting up before she left. She said before how she'd really like to see me before she went, and even asked me which days I was available. She was going away for a weekend just before she left, and said she would text me when she got back. She didn't, so I texted her the next day to suggest a couple of days we could meet. But then she never answered either, and it passed the time that she was going to go back home.

And then I sent a final message asking if I did something wrong and that I would've preferred for her to let me know that she couldn't make it rather than going completely silent. I explained also that if I knew she was going to be here indefinitely I wouldn't have texted her as much (I only texted her a couple of times) but because I wanted to see her before she left, I was trying to arrange a definite time.

Anyway, all this time she has never responded, and I don't think she will. Things seemed fine before she went away for that weekend, and then she disappeared completely and was ghosting me ever since. So she's gone back home and gone completely from my life, even though before she was keen to keep in touch and we seemed to have a good friendship, or so I thought.

I have absolutely no explanation for it whatsoever. I could try to say maybe I did this or that, but everything was good before and she was happy to meet, and then suddenly that all changed. And I can't really see that my texting her (which was a completely reasonable amount of times - not like dozens of messages or anything) could suddenly have driven her away. And if she were to stop just because of those couple of messages trying to arrange something, then it seems as if the friendship was very disposable in the first place to fall apart from something as small as that and for her to throw it all away.

 

[Tilapia]

Women in their sexual prime, let's say 27 and below, are going to keep 5-6 beta orbiters around her at all times. Think of yourselves as moons revolving around her. Meanwhile all the other planets are revolving around the sun, or the one alpha male that 20+ females are eying. That explains much of the apathy or perfunctory behavior you see when communication breaks down or you get the silent treatment all together. It's simply not worth the woman's time and effort if she has to give the same spiel of "thanks but no thanks" to 5-6 different guys. Same for the guy who is scoring multiple dates a week. The sooner you accept these odds the better, assuming you view yourself as a beta which most men posting here are quite frankly. That doesn't necessarily have to be the case though. Get out of orbit and build your own planetary system, and work your way up to your own stellar system. You should be dictating your own gravitational waves, not anyone else. For scale, it goes something like:

Margot Robbie - Supermassive galaxy driving black hole.
Average Joe (55K a year, 30 year old, avg looks)- One of at least 3-4 moons orbiting equally average chick).

 

[DA_Champion]

Women in their sexual prime, let's say 27 and below, are going to keep 5-6 beta orbiters around her at all times. Think of yourselves as moons revolving around her. Meanwhile all the other planets are revolving around the sun, or the one alpha male that 20+ females are eying. That explains much of the apathy or perfunctory behavior you see when communication breaks down or you get the silent treatment all together. It's simply not worth the woman's time and effort if she has to give the same spiel of "thanks but no thanks" to 5-6 different guys. Same for the guy who is scoring multiple dates a week. The sooner you accept these odds the better, assuming you view yourself as a beta which most men posting here are quite frankly. That doesn't necessarily have to be the case though. Get out of orbit and build your own planetary system, and work your way up to your own stellar system. You should be dictating your own gravitational waves, not anyone else.

I like the analogy.

I'm still disgusted by the behaviour though. I guess a woman with 20 orbiters sees each of them as disposable and can't be bothered.

 

[DA_Champion]

the_ultimate_evil and DA_Champion, Nell (remember him? ) has been reading this thread and he'd like to pass on a message.

He was like you both once, 31 without a single serious relationship to his name. He thought no women wanted him, that no woman found him "good enough" to be in a relationship with. Nowadays, about a year later, he's actually dating someone more often than not, and his romantic prospects have totally turned a 180. It all started when he found himself in that first relationship with someone that he didn't expect - he didn't seriously crush on her beforehand, so his expectations weren't as high as they usually are for him. These are his words:


They didn't work out due to serious life-compatibility reasons (location, whether or not to have kids), but that was a huge stepping stone for him, and he came out with more confidence, and got more dates. "It was all a process that helped develop my confidence that YES I actually can be appealing to the opposite sex."

If it helps, he's been meeting these women online. Tinder, Plenty of Fish, OK Cupid, Eharmony. He actually doesn't recommend Match, because from his experience, the women there have outrageous expectations, even moreso than Eharmony. He's actually found more success with Tinder lately than anything else. "The fact that I didn't start off asking women for sex or nudes on there actually got me pretty far lol." Although you gotta watch out for the spam accounts, on Tinder and POF.

Things still aren't perfect, but his outlook has totally turned around.



So even if you aren't an exciting jock, that's not what a lot of women are looking for past their mid-20s, unless they're totally immature and ridiculous. Which you don't want anyway.

Did Nell get banned or something? I appreciate the kind words but ...[YT][/YT]

I'm on eHarmony. I did an experiment where I "liked" every single women the site suggested. Every single one. About 4% liked me back, usually morbidly obese women, usually women from out of town that live in small villages 300 km away, usually women older than me as well. It's clearly extremely competitive, and I have to do better.

It's also deeply problematic to say that it has anything to do with "confidence", the confidence theory is a load of condescending crap, particularly for online dating. Human beings have always used fairy tales as an explanation for things when they're too lazy or too insecure to speak the truth.

Here's a comment from someone else on the importance of game versus looks in a real life setting, this guy trained and took steroids for years and now he does well with women:

These game guys crack me up! real time enthusiasts of the art of seduction.


I suppose when I went to the shopping mall today, picked out some clothes, and asked within one minute of talking for the girls number it was my 'game'.

The conversation had zero chemistry, and connection. It was standard this that, where are you residing. My closing line was 'well if you up for it, we should go out for coffee some time' her eyes lit, up ... very awkward 18-20 year old. Hard to converse with, but her body made my cock so stiff. Gives me her number followed by her name right away, and I hug her then walk away.

Most of been my tight inner game.


Observations: Roomate comes home after a guy messaged her randomly. Apparently got her number through a friend, and he seen her at the same residence they used to reside in. Ends up texting her non-stop, she's corteous, and polite but at the same time not flirting. End up getting together, she comes home later that night and tells me....

HER: 'he was a realy cute guy, and seemed very nice, and genuine, but he was just to short for my liking. He was literally like 5'5-5'6 and it feels weird, being a girl with a guy who's that short. Everything else about him was great, but I couldn't get passed his height.

ME: What if he had an amazing body, and face

HER: I just couldn't get passed the height. it would make me feel like the dominant one in the relationship.

ME: Well, if had everything else working in his favour, couldn't it work

HER: I just couldn't see myself being with a guy shoter then me. Imagine going to the bar, and being in high heels... I would feel weird around him



What went wrong? He had a decent personality, cute face, and had his own place, and everything.

Was HIS GAME OFF THAT DAY?

To answer the obvious question, no the guy's game was not off that day. He sounds like an amazing guy. But he's 5'5. It doesn't matter if he's "confident", if he's as smart as Noam Chomsky and has a great singing voice too. He's short.

Here's a youtube video:
[YT]2V7TcSr9GiM[/YT]

It's from the red pill people whom I normally don't like, as they're really into whining and misogyny. But that particular video is coherent.

 

[Victarion]

I've never heard any of this terminology before. Just go talk to them, see if you got common interests and let it roll from there guys.

 

[Tilapia]

I like the analogy.

I'm still disgusted by the behaviour though. I guess a woman with 20 orbiters sees each of them as disposable and can't be bothered.

Men have always been viewed as disposable, as their labor can be replaced by another male quite easily in this economic climate. Hell, the labor can be replaced by a woman in most cases as well. Otherwise, women can bleed them with alimony payments if it came down to that.

Men were completely disposable in China during the one child policy. Families decided to have boys, and the ratio was so imbalanced that the economy sprouted out of nowhere. A guy had to work 10x harder just to secure a half decent wife. Now that China has cut back the one child policy, the economy has been flatlining again (one of many factors of course).

Here is the point of my random tangent. I used to believe women only made emotional decisions in their dating rationale. This is incorrect. Women respond to socio-economic incentives just as much as men. I'd probably argue moreso than men as men are more anti-social and seek to fill an emotional void moreso than women. Women tend to aggregate more amongst one another hence are rarely ever completely lonely. Guys night out quickly goes extinct after the college years.

 

[DA_Champion]

I've never heard any of this terminology before. Just go talk to them, see if you got common interests and let it roll from there guys.

This worked decently in college, it's much harder in the adult world.

In college, you are constantly meeting a lot of new people all of the time with comparatively little effort. That's a key ingredient right there, that nobody disputes.

It's much harder now. My workplace for example is ~30% women, and the ones who are within five years of me in age are almost all married. Further, people don't go out as much as they often have to stay home with the kids. I do go out with friends sometimes, it's just a lot rarer.

I've tried MeetUp. It's definitely the case that I could do MeetUp more. It takes a lot of effort, and I didn't put enough in.

I took some night courses for fun, not to meet people, but maybe i could meet people? The cooking class was all men, except for one woman in her late 40s.

I'll try and volounteer once I move as well.

 

[Anita18]

Did Nell get banned or something? I appreciate the kind words but ...

I'm on eHarmony. I did an experiment where I "liked" every single women the site suggested. Every single one. About 4% liked me back, usually morbidly obese women, usually women from out of town that live in small villages 300 km away, usually women older than me as well. It's clearly extremely competitive, and I have to do better.

It's also deeply problematic to say that it has anything to do with "confidence", the confidence theory is a load of condescending crap, particularly for online dating. Human beings have always used fairy tales as an explanation for things when they're too lazy or too insecure to speak the truth.

Here's a comment from someone else on the importance of game versus looks in a real life setting, this guy trained and took steroids for years and now he does well with women:

To answer the obvious question, no the guy's game was not off that day. He sounds like an amazing guy. But he's 5'5. It doesn't matter if he's "confident", if he's as smart as Noam Chomsky and has a great singing voice too. He's short.

Yeah, Nell got banned over silly arguments in the X-men threads, haha.

Well, confidence can't really be faked, IMO. Either you care about what others think of you, or you don't. Sure, someone who's short, balding, and overweight won't attract the majority of women, but I have seen guys with exactly those characteristics marrying beautiful, kind women. A former coworker of mine looks like a shorter, curvier, Olivia Munn, and she actually GOES for short, balding, and overweight guys! Sometimes you just can't explain it!

It's not so simple a lot of the time, which is why I keep harping about compatibility. If you are truly confident, you don't let the rejections get you down, which makes it more likely that you'll find someone who genuinely likes you for you.

The vast majority of men don't find me sexually attractive. I shrugged it off and didn't associate that with my value as a person, and eventually found one guy who did, and we just so happen to get along swimmingly. You really do only need one, folks. No need to get greedy here.

Men have always been viewed as disposable, as their labor can be replaced by another male quite easily in this economic climate. Hell, the labor can be replaced by a woman in most cases as well. Otherwise, women can bleed them with alimony payments if it came down to that.

Men were completely disposable in China during the one child policy. Families decided to have boys, and the ratio was so imbalanced that the economy sprouted out of nowhere. A guy had to work 10x harder just to secure a half decent wife. Now that China has cut back the one child policy, the economy has been flatlining again (one of many factors of course).

Here is the point of my random tangent. I used to believe women only made emotional decisions in their dating rationale. This is incorrect. Women respond to socio-economic incentives just as much as men. I'd probably argue moreso than men as men are more anti-social and seek to fill an emotional void moreso than women. Women tend to aggregate more amongst one another hence are rarely ever completely lonely. Guys night out quickly goes extinct after the college years.

Those two sentences do not make any sense together. If men were completely disposable, why was it the girls who were aborted or adopted out? China is in a super-messed-up place right now where young men are scrambling to get rich so they can attract a wife, but women who go unmarried past their mid-20s due to school or careers are seen as pariahs. It makes NO sense, but a lot of the social moors there make no sense. (Disclaimer, I'm a first-generation American of Chinese ethnicity. My parents don't buy into a lot of the social moors there, to the point where my mom is actively convincing her Asian friends to "let" their daughters marry white guys, because she is having a MUCH better time with my Caucasian in-laws than her relatives are with their Asian in-laws...)

I do agree that women make more "rational" decisions about dating and marriage than men do. Hilariously so, because women are usually pegged as the emotional beings who can't be trusted to make rational decisions.

I don't really believe that all women under 27 have 5 men circling around her at all times. Unless you're into that sort of woman who finds that sort of thing entertaining. I'm a nerdy woman who runs with nerd peers, we don't have the mental energy for that petty crap. But if you want to believe in a competitive dating system like that, be my guest. Nothing I say will convince you otherwise.

 

[Ms. Marvel]

So my close friend and her bf have been dating for a few months and recently they got into an argument about an incident where she was at a guy friends house and he tried to kiss her but she rejected him. My first thought was that she did nothing wrong but she should probably be careful around guys especially after nights out where alcohol is involved. Apparently this is why her bf is still pretty upset even though the incident was a few weeks ago. She said she wanted some space for a few days but he thinks the issue will just fester if they give each other space for a few days and wants to continue the discussion and now they are arguing even more because he thinks she omitted some information about that night and she insists that she told him everything. The thing is I really want them to work things out (he's a great guy and she seems so happy with him) so I'm wondering should I just stick to comforting her or should I give her advice on sorting things out? I'm really bad in these situations, having had little experience with serious relationships.

 

[DA_Champion]

Yeah, Nell got banned over silly arguments in the X-men threads, haha.

Well, confidence can't really be faked, IMO. Either you care about what others think of you, or you don't. Sure, someone who's short, balding, and overweight won't attract the majority of women, but I have seen guys with exactly those characteristics marrying beautiful, kind women. A former coworker of mine looks like a shorter, curvier, Olivia Munn, and she actually GOES for short, balding, and overweight guys! Sometimes you just can't explain it!

It's not so simple a lot of the time, which is why I keep harping about compatibility. If you are truly confident, you don't let the rejections get you down, which makes it more likely that you'll find someone who genuinely likes you for you.

The vast majority of men don't find me sexually attractive. I shrugged it off and didn't associate that with my value as a person, and eventually found one guy who did, and we just so happen to get along swimmingly. You really do only need one, folks. No need to get greedy here.


Those two sentences do not make any sense together. If men were completely disposable, why was it the girls who were aborted or adopted out? China is in a super-messed-up place right now where young men are scrambling to get rich so they can attract a wife, but women who go unmarried past their mid-20s due to school or careers are seen as pariahs. It makes NO sense, but a lot of the social moors there make no sense. (Disclaimer, I'm a first-generation American of Chinese ethnicity. My parents don't buy into a lot of the social moors there, to the point where my mom is actively convincing her Asian friends to "let" their daughters marry white guys, because she is having a MUCH better time with my Caucasian in-laws than her relatives are with their Asian in-laws...)

I do agree that women make more "rational" decisions about dating and marriage than men do. Hilariously so, because women are usually pegged as the emotional beings who can't be trusted to make rational decisions.

I don't really believe that all women under 27 have 5 men circling around her at all times. Unless you're into that sort of woman who finds that sort of thing entertaining. I'm a nerdy woman who runs with nerd peers, we don't have the mental energy for that petty crap. But if you want to believe in a competitive dating system like that, be my guest. Nothing I say will convince you otherwise.

Olivia Munn is dating millionaire NFL quarterback Aaron Rodgers.

Most couples are looks-matched ... and are also matched in race and economic class and age. Regardless though, the "argument by exception" is flawed, it's not the most ideal plan to be the exception to all of the rules.

For example I might win the lottery one day. Does that mean I should stop saving up for retirement? No. I should assume the most probably scenario, that I won't win the lottery.

 

[Victarion]

This worked decently in college, it's much harder in the adult world.

In college, you are constantly meeting a lot of new people all of the time with comparatively little effort. That's a key ingredient right there, that nobody disputes.

It's much harder now. My workplace for example is ~30% women, and the ones who are within five years of me in age are almost all married. Further, people don't go out as much as they often have to stay home with the kids. I do go out with friends sometimes, it's just a lot rarer.

I've tried MeetUp. It's definitely the case that I could do MeetUp more. It takes a lot of effort, and I didn't put enough in.

I took some night courses for fun, not to meet people, but maybe i could meet people? The cooking class was all men, except for one woman in her late 40s.

I'll try and volounteer once I move as well.

With me, it just kind of happened at the bookstore. Went for suicide squad comics. Noticed the clerk was helping some other guys who were like "Hey, are you by chance into ____," to which she'd reply, "No. No time. There you go, enjoy."

I end up having to go put an order for my suicide squad comics. She's working the desk, mentions they've been getting a lot of those in for the movie. I start the conversation with Suicide Squad, she picks it up and we go back and forth with Deadpool, BvS, Civil War. Throughout it I'm pretty chill, she's smiling and keeping up eye contact so I took a shot and closed it up with, "Hey, thanks. I've got a pile of "insert work here" to get on. I'd like to take you out to continue the conversation."

And that was it.

*

You can also try hanging with your friends and seeing what happens. A very good friend of mine insisted on buying me a load of shots, then paid for both us to get into the hustler club, then did the same for our cigars and drinks there. Even bought me a lap dance. Took me home afterward - well, back to her place and we both ended up crashing in the car.

The point? You may have friends with some budding interest in you - you just never know. Go with the flow and go about "business as usual" and see what happens!

PS - You're gonna have a bad day if you have work or classes after all that, so save it for the weekend.

 

[DA_Champion]

With me, it just kind of happened at the bookstore. Went for suicide squad comics. Noticed the clerk was helping some other guys who were like "Hey, are you by chance into ____," to which she'd reply, "No. No time. There you go, enjoy."

There's actually a cute girl or three working at the comic book store I sometimes go too. I shy from asking them as there are always five or six people waiting in line behind me, and I'm too shy to ask. I do think flirting with service workers might be a good strategy, but it's difficult when there are lots and lots of other people around.

 

[Victarion]

I wouldn't call it flirting. I was in a good mood that night, so I just decided to see if she was into the skwad too.

One thing I can tell you - the friend I mentioned in the second story thing, she said don't go in and try to spit game. Her exact words, "Don't go up and spit game, that ****'s weak." Common interests are the key.

 

[Erzengel]

As much as I think it helps meeting someone with similar interests, it's more important to have compatible personalities. It's rare for guys to find a woman who click everything in looks and personality, oh and btw is a huge comic book fan. It's more likely to find someone who tolerates it.

 

[Anita18]

Olivia Munn is dating millionaire NFL quarterback Aaron Rodgers.

Most couples are looks-matched ... and are also matched in race and economic class and age. Regardless though, the "argument by exception" is flawed, it's not the most ideal plan to be the exception to all of the rules.

For example I might win the lottery one day. Does that mean I should stop saving up for retirement? No. I should assume the most probably scenario, that I won't win the lottery.

My point isn't that you'll get exactly your dream woman/man. People just don't work that way. People are emotional, individual, and have their own motivations, histories, and personalities, unlike retirement savings.

But having a defeatist attitude about how you'll never be in a relationship ever because you aren't a handsome rich guy certainly doesn't help the search.

That's what Nell had to learn. He had to say "eff it" and just go for it before he got any traction. He's still not getting attention from a ton of women, but his changed attitude is helping with the rejections and helping him move on faster from each of them. That's what's helping his search, being open to opportunities and not being defeatist about things. Why not go for someone a little out of your league? You never know, because people don't always work the way you expect them to.

I mean, to attract more guys, I could have worn more makeup, get breast implants, wear skimpy clothes, pretend to be an airhead. That's what a woman has to be to get a guy to like her, we're all told. But I didn't want the majority of guys to sleep with a fake me, I wanted someone who liked me for me. I didn't care how long it took to find him, I didn't want to pretend. And after years of getting nothing online dating, I did find him.

The point isn't to GET a specific person to like you, but to FIND that person.

 

[Tilapia]

Yeah, Nell got banned over silly arguments in the X-men threads, haha.

Well, confidence can't really be faked, IMO. Either you care about what others think of you, or you don't. Sure, someone who's short, balding, and overweight won't attract the majority of women, but I have seen guys with exactly those characteristics marrying beautiful, kind women. A former coworker of mine looks like a shorter, curvier, Olivia Munn, and she actually GOES for short, balding, and overweight guys! Sometimes you just can't explain it!

It's not so simple a lot of the time, which is why I keep harping about compatibility. If you are truly confident, you don't let the rejections get you down, which makes it more likely that you'll find someone who genuinely likes you for you.

The vast majority of men don't find me sexually attractive. I shrugged it off and didn't associate that with my value as a person, and eventually found one guy who did, and we just so happen to get along swimmingly. You really do only need one, folks. No need to get greedy here.


Those two sentences do not make any sense together. If men were completely disposable, why was it the girls who were aborted or adopted out? China is in a super-messed-up place right now where young men are scrambling to get rich so they can attract a wife, but women who go unmarried past their mid-20s due to school or careers are seen as pariahs. It makes NO sense, but a lot of the social moors there make no sense. (Disclaimer, I'm a first-generation American of Chinese ethnicity. My parents don't buy into a lot of the social moors there, to the point where my mom is actively convincing her Asian friends to "let" their daughters marry white guys, because she is having a MUCH better time with my Caucasian in-laws than her relatives are with their Asian in-laws...)

I do agree that women make more "rational" decisions about dating and marriage than men do. Hilariously so, because women are usually pegged as the emotional beings who can't be trusted to make rational decisions.

I don't really believe that all women under 27 have 5 men circling around her at all times. Unless you're into that sort of woman who finds that sort of thing entertaining. I'm a nerdy woman who runs with nerd peers, we don't have the mental energy for that petty crap. But if you want to believe in a competitive dating system like that, be my guest. Nothing I say will convince you otherwise.

Girls were aborted possibly because of the unknown economic consequences of an imbalanced boy:girl ratio. Now families understand the value of having a girl. Men were disposable to women in the sense that men in China were just as good as the next guy in most cases and there was not much to differentiate them. But perhaps I took that dichotomy too far for this topic, I'll get back on point.

We all know compatibability is the most important thing. You've helped a lot of people out here by preaching that (including me). My point is, we need to stop sugar coating the fact that life is a gene war. We are all trying to secure the best possible mate so that our children can be successful. At least that is the woman's mentality more often than not. They desire traits in men that go hand in hand with acquiring resources. This means highly ambitious men that are dedicated to their craft and dominant in their niche. Confidence is a euphemism for the ability to kick the next guy's butt and take his lunch money away for mommy and the kids. You have to be ready to compete at all times. That's the mentality that men simply have to get into if they want success in life. I wish I was told that when I was younger.

Men are irrational in this regard in that they react purely to sexual incentives sometimes almost exclusively. But eventually rationale wins out and you need to go back to finding a reliable mother that can secure your child's welfare.

Average women have the ability to line up average men simply because all those men are responding initially to sexual desires. The woman seeks something beyond that. She can easily lure men in based on those sexual incentives, and quickly weed them out once she gets more information from them. It has nothing to do with whether every woman operates that way. Somewhere there is a mean of your average women incentivizing sex in order to extract information those 'beta followers' divulge at a later date.

 

[DA_Champion]

My point isn't that you'll get exactly your dream woman/man. People just don't work that way. People are emotional, individual, and have their own motivations, histories, and personalities, unlike retirement savings.

But having a defeatist attitude about how you'll never be in a relationship ever because you aren't a handsome rich guy certainly doesn't help the search.

That's what Nell had to learn. He had to say "eff it" and just go for it before he got any traction. He's still not getting attention from a ton of women, but his changed attitude is helping with the rejections and helping him move on faster from each of them. That's what's helping his search, being open to opportunities and not being defeatist about things. Why not go for someone a little out of your league? You never know, because people don't always work the way you expect them to.

Once more: the attitude is utterly irrelevant in an online dating context. It did matter more on the personality-dependent OkCupid which you might have used back in the day but very few people use that now. I remember the brilliant profiles people wrote, but that's mostly gone now. The most important things that matters is the photo, ok photos plural. Also your age and your location. That's well documented and widely known.

I mean, to attract more guys, I could have worn more makeup, get breast implants, wear skimpy clothes, pretend to be an airhead. That's what a woman has to be to get a guy to like her, we're all told. But I didn't want the majority of guys to sleep with a fake me, I wanted someone who liked me for me. I didn't care how long it took to find him, I didn't want to pretend. And after years of getting nothing online dating, I did find him.

The point isn't to GET a specific person to like you, but to FIND that person.

Yes, you found one guy after years of trying, and you have previously said that you were not attracted to him at first but you kept dating him because you had no other options. You've been seeking to encourage others to think about this as the great matchmaking method for a while now.

Finding one guy as you did, btw, is statistically consistent to finding zero guys or even finding two. I know that you love your story and you love to promote it as the shining template par excellence for others to follow, but it's not a super up-lifting template for anybody else to hear. I'm really happy for you, honestly, you deserve happiness and you come off as very smart and very cordial on these boards, but I find you misguided in seeking to universalize your exceptional experience.

And even that guy you did finally meet, might have not given you a second look, and never "liked you for you" if you were 50 lbs heavier or you had very yellow, very crooked teeth. He would have never "FOUND" you then, and you him. And you yourself have acknowledged that you were very reluctant in those early dates, you thought he wasn't your type ... so if he were 50 lbs heavier or he had very yellow, very crooked teeth, you would not have found him nor "liked him for him"

I can't comment on breast implants or other plastic surgery as I don't know you. But if you had looked better, more guys would have been willing to meet you. Similarly, if you add "successful internship at Google" on your resume, more companies will be willing to interview you, to "hire you for you."

 

[DA_Champion]

Average women have the ability to line up average men simply because all those men are responding initially to sexual desires. The woman seeks something beyond that. She can easily lure men in based on those sexual incentives, and quickly weed them out once she gets more information from them. It has nothing to do with whether every woman operates that way. Somewhere there is a mean of your average women incentivizing sex in order to extract information those 'beta followers' divulge at a later date.

Nearly all girls I know who set up online dating profiles receive a flood of male suitors. Part of that is that men are not selective with sending "likes", and that men outnumber women on those sites 2:1 or more. The ratio is steeper if you zero in on women in their 20s and 30s. A beautiful 31 year-old told me a while back she gets 10 messages a day. A morbidly obese 27 year-old told me a while back that she is picky, and is taking a pause to speak to four or five guys at a time in focus.

I think the numbers might work out due to the number of sexual partners:

I imagine women in general have a bell-shaped distribution of number of sexual partners, whereas for men it's more skew-shape. A large number of men have zero partners, which is much rarer for women. A small number of men have a vast, vast number of sexual partners, often seeing three or four women at once.

I asked my psychologist about the issue recently. She said she gets a huge number of men who can't meet women. She nearly never hears that from women patients. Note that her clientele skews young: people in their 20s and 30s mostly. She told me she suspects it flips for older people.

 

[Tilapia]

Even in your average Meetup for 20's 30's co-Ed is always imbalanced male:female. Of course men have to resort to this as opposed to OkCupid more often than not, but they again run into the same issues. It's also difficult for women when you constantly have guys hitting on you for sex, and it's tough to gauge if there is something beyond that. Frankly women don't even need the Meetup groups unless they are genuinely interested in the group focus.

The only advice I can give to guys here, if they are using these dating apps, are to avoid them. You are simply selling yourself short statistically (with all due respect to Anita or anyone else that found success via these apps). I still haven't deleted mine, but I don't check them unless a woman is blatantly forward and I'm interested, which happens one or two times a year. Just keep the profile updated in this case, but don't waste more than a minute on them any day. Why subject yourself to be treated like **** (and that goes for women chasing the guy who embellishes his profile as well)?

 

[DA_Champion]

Even in your average Meetup for 20's 30's co-Ed is always imbalanced male:female. Of course men have to resort to this as opposed to OkCupid more often than not, but they again run into the same issues. It's also difficult for women when you constantly have guys hitting on you for sex, and it's tough to gauge if there is something beyond that. Frankly women don't even need the Meetup groups unless they are genuinely interested in the group focus.

The only advice I can give to guys here, if they are using these dating apps, are to avoid them. You are simply selling yourself short statistically (with all due respect to Anita or anyone else that found success via these apps). I still haven't deleted mine, but I don't check them unless a woman is blatantly forward and I'm interested, which happens one or two times a year. Just keep the profile updated in this case, but don't waste more than a minute on them any day. Why subject yourself to be treated like **** (and that goes for women chasing the guy who embellishes his profile as well)?

So what do you do to meet women?