The Relationship Thread: Because Superhero Forums are Full of Sexperts! - Part 30

[Erzengel]

Yes.

 

[the last son]

I'm expecting to be sexual when I see her. Maybe it won't be. She contacted me. This isn't a new best friend. It's an old best friend who moved down south years prior. Why she moved? Her answer was she always wanted to and doesn't like our state. She has already got her own apartment out there. I plan on seeing how it goes on my 2 day visit. I told my family I would consider moving to her if I visit a few times and it goes well. They said that it's crazy I just bought a home and make ok money. We'll see.

 

[the last son]

When she moved my soul literally cracked. I thought for certain we could build something. I'm glad she text me and excited to see her. I mean what's the endgame here? Why does she want me to visit? Just to shake hands one more time? I'm hoping we could have a nice time and talk about a future after

 

[Erzengel]

Like I said, see how this visit goes. Talk a lot. Go from there.

Maybe you should talk about long distance before you start talking about future and moving closer to each other.

 

[the last son]

Eh who am I kidding? Truth is she's stuck in her ways not moving back and I would never risk such a huge decision on a 4 month relationship that ended 10 months ago. I guess we shall see. She said she contacted me because she thinks of me. I still think of her a lot too.

 

[Erzengel]

Things can change.

Again, see what this visit turns out to be. See if she wants to do a LDR.

Then maybe after a while, one of you would want to move.

But, you don't seem to be the most patient of people.

 

[the last son]

You're right. I have zero patience. It's just a huge flaw I have. I agree to just talk with her. She might not even want that. Might just want to seriously just see me again. As always thanks for the advice. It's very helpful.

 

[the last son]

Do I need to ask her if she has a boyfriend or is it safe to assume she doesn't?

 

[RetrogradeOrbit]

I'm not accusing anyone on here of being lazy, but dating is work. Finding someone is work. Some people will have to put in a lot just to get the attention of a handful while others don't have to put in anything and get the attention of many. It's not fair but it falls on how important is it for you and how much time and effort are you willing to put in.

You could apply this to anything in life really...
We only get out as much as we are willing to out in.

 

[RetrogradeOrbit]

Do I need to ask her if she has a boyfriend or is it safe to assume she doesn't?

Personally TLS I'd not say anything and see what the situation is when you get there.
If you are both still into each other, it will be like you have never been apart.

 

[RetrogradeOrbit]

Is it possible to genuinely like two people at the same time, equally?

Without knowing precisely what you mean by "like" I can't really answer your question...

 

[Anita18]

Is it possible to genuinely like two people at the same time, equally?

Why not. There's a reason why a term has been invented for that - polyamory. I know some people who've gone that route, although I don't think it's ever progressed to serious commitment like marriage. Free love remains free love, I guess.

 

[spiderman2]

If you're dating someone, you try to include them. And if take a liking to it, that's great. If not, that's your thing and she can have other things.

But the key is to compromise. Try and talk about their interests or don't spend all your time watching and playing sports.

While I know some times people have to compromise and I am not saying that I have to be watching sports 24/7 and that I cant go out to dinner or watch a movie or something just that I think most women would get overly annoyed with me when it comes to sports and sports is like who I am. and like all I really know about. I cant be my self is someone doesn't love sports. It would be like me trying to date someone that loves and talks about politics all the time as I hate politics more then anything and couldn't care less about them. So my point is if a women don't like sports I am going to have like nothing we can do together that doesn't bore me to death.

 

[Ms. Marvel]

Without knowing precisely what you mean by "like" I can't really answer your question...

I meant in a romantic sense.

 

[Ms. Marvel]

Why not. There's a reason why a term has been invented for that - polyamory. I know some people who've gone that route, although I don't think it's ever progressed to serious commitment like marriage. Free love remains free love, I guess.

That's a good point. Although I personally am not looking to have a polyamorous relationship. It's funny I used to vow to never put myself in a position where I'm into two men at the same time, and here I am now.

 

[Erzengel]

Date both until you know hopefully one is the one for you or neither is.

 

[RetrogradeOrbit]

I meant in a romantic sense.

Then, yep...
And I agree with Erzengel above. Although it is not something i have ever done. Of course I mean dating more than one woman at a time... t:

 

[Dark Raven]

I posted this a few pages back but didn't get any feedback on it. What do people think?

If a girl says that both of you should go for coffee sometime, is that a real invitation/ hint? Even if they give you a specific time frame?

Or is it just being polite, like typical British politeness?

http://www.telegraph.co.uk/news/new...-British-politeness-becomes-internet-hit.html

In that link, one of the typical examples is when people say you must come round for dinner, but then the invite never comes.

Is what a girl says (about going for coffee) just to be taken in the same vein? Or is it an actual hint? I've always found that it's not actually a hint but just politeness because when you do try to invite them, they go silent, as if they never expected to be taken seriously about that.

 

[Erzengel]

If you have her number, just ask her out.

 

[Dark Raven]

If you have her number, just ask her out.

I'm not really asking whether I should ask someone out. I'm asking if women actually want to be asked out all the time, even if they do give their numbers, or are they simply being polite?

This comes off the back of my earlier posts about ghosting. When I've asked women out, acting on the "hint" that they've supposedly dropped (as phrased in the post above), they have often gone completely silent and will even blank me afterwards as if they didn't want to be asked out by me at all and didn't expect I would actually take them seriously.

Which is why I am trying to figure out when it is just politeness or when it is genuine. Although even when it does seem sincere and they've shown enthusiasm and even suggested potential times, some will completely withdraw when I try to lock down a date (which one has to do to actually finalise the meeting as one can't just leave it open ended with no particular time and date in mind).

 

[Erzengel]

This is how I see it. If a woman says we should go out for coffee or here's my number, I'm going to ask them out or use their number. If they are just being polite, then they should come out and say it. However, if they don't answer or keep putting you off, that's an answer too. It's part of the game and sometimes it sucks but I'd try and not chase if I don't have to.

 

[Dark Raven]

So I have a chance to meet a potential lady, who is a friend of my brother and his wife. This would be at a family gathering with my parents there. However, to me, it almost seems to jump straight to "meet the parents" before I've even met her. This feels like it might put undue pressure on anything happening and might scare her off. I also don't know if I could completely be myself when with parents, as I tend to be treated as more of a child than an adult in their company.

Is this a bad meeting place? And would it be better to meet her under different circumstances? I would never want to bring someone to meet the parents unless I knew there were something definite and not for quite a while anyway. So meeting in this way seems a little uncomfortable and almost counter-productive towards any kind of relationship. Although I don't know how arranged marriages work where families meet and then a woman is introduced to the man, or vice versa.

 

[Tilapia]

So I have a chance to meet a potential lady, who is a friend of my brother and his wife. This would be at a family gathering with my parents there. However, to me, it almost seems to jump straight to "meet the parents" before I've even met her. This feels like it might put undue pressure on anything happening and might scare her off. I also don't know if I could completely be myself when with parents, as I tend to be treated as more of a child than an adult in their company.

Is this a bad meeting place? And would it be better to meet her under different circumstances? I would never want to bring someone to meet the parents unless I knew there were something definite and not for quite a while anyway. So meeting in this way seems a little uncomfortable and almost counter-productive towards any kind of relationship. Although I don't know how arranged marriages work where families meet and then a woman is introduced to the man, or vice versa.

Being from a close nit family with a vast community from social media, religious affiliations, and social constructs, I would advise to not pursue this relationship in this manner. Kindly dismiss yourself and don't show up, or ask your family to uninvite her.

Reason being, the pressure is simply too much for the girl in my experiences. Age plays a factor. If they are young, they are going to want to keep their options open. At the very least, setup a coffee date. If it is a long distance, one hour plus thing, then you may want to take this opportunity, but I would call her and get to know her first. Maybe do a Skype or simple emails.

Setup the coffee date, or ask her out if she's already been broached by your sister in law/bro. Otherwise, she's going to freak out and dismiss you... most cases. Mama's boy... dependent on family and can't find a girl on his own. Some BS will come up and stump you when family is involved.

 

[Dark Raven]

Being from a close nit family with a vast community from social media, religious affiliations, and social constructs, I would advise to not pursue this relationship in this manner. Kindly dismiss yourself and don't show up, or ask your family to uninvite her.

Reason being, the pressure is simply too much for the girl in my experiences. Age plays a factor. If they are young, they are going to want to keep their options open. At the very least, setup a coffee date. If it is a long distance, one hour plus thing, then you may want to take this opportunity, but I would call her and get to know her first. Maybe do a Skype or simple emails.

Setup the coffee date, or ask her out if she's already been broached by your sister in law/bro. Otherwise, she's going to freak out and dismiss you... most cases. Mama's boy... dependent on family and can't find a girl on his own. Some BS will come up and stump you when family is involved.

This was my thought too. But I get the feeling my parents would insist on inviting her, and not only that, but they would go big on the whole occasion and cook up a banquet. I don't think they really understand that this sort of thing is actually counterproductive, but instead would reason that the person would be offended if you don't do something more grandiose, and that you can't just serve up a simple meal.

And they would also reason (incorrectly) that the girl would like to meet a person's parents and get to know the family and that these wouldn't be barriers to actually developing a relationship. There are definitely cultural differences here at work.

And it's not really something (the event) that I can get out of and not show up for.

 

[Anita18]

So I have a chance to meet a potential lady, who is a friend of my brother and his wife. This would be at a family gathering with my parents there. However, to me, it almost seems to jump straight to "meet the parents" before I've even met her. This feels like it might put undue pressure on anything happening and might scare her off. I also don't know if I could completely be myself when with parents, as I tend to be treated as more of a child than an adult in their company.

Is this a bad meeting place? And would it be better to meet her under different circumstances? I would never want to bring someone to meet the parents unless I knew there were something definite and not for quite a while anyway. So meeting in this way seems a little uncomfortable and almost counter-productive towards any kind of relationship. Although I don't know how arranged marriages work where families meet and then a woman is introduced to the man, or vice versa.

I think it depends on what everyone's mindset is coming in. If you, your brother, the woman, and your parents are there thinking, "These are people who care about each other coming together to have fun" then it should be no biggie. Especially if they know her already.

However, if your brother, you, or your parents are approaching it like, "This is the event when we're gonna set up Dark Raven with a nice woman!" then you gotta hold up there.

But if you have overbearing parents or relatives, it's gonna come up eventually anyway. My cousin's mom is outrageously overbearing, and his now-wife got to see it early on and wasn't scared off, cause she comes from the same culture.