The Relationship Thread: Because Superhero Forums are Full of Sexperts! - - Part 31

[MissMarvelous]

Well you deserve them.

Most of the time....

Unbelievable! I already stopped with the "too many questions", what else do you want from meeeeee? Tell meeeeee! Please tell me!

I'm your favorite sport, I know. I know.

 

[RetrogradeOrbit]

As painful as leaving my wife is, it’s for the best and may even improve my life better than before the marriage. It may be a blessing in disguise.

I don’t doubt this at all..

 

[Hobgoblin]

Were there signs even before you got married and did you think things were changed after the fact?

There were definitely warnings. We discussed them and said we could accept each other. Part of me doubted it but told myself that every marriage takes work. I’m a liberal and an atheist in a fairly conservative area, so the fact that she accepted me despite disagreeing was something I jumped on. Part of me also was settling, thinking I’d never find anything better.

Yeah, I was a mess.

The world went crazy after we got married and it drove a big wedge between us. (Interestingly, we agree on that opinion. We don’t agree on much regarding our split but we do in that regard.) Her parents were a much larger part of her life than I realized and it was a poisonous influence. She accepted our differences, they did not. When we dated, we had an active sex life. After we moved in together, her libido was nonexistent. She wanted two dogs and I don’t like dogs. At all. I agreed to one, because I know they are good for her emotionally. Then she kept wanting a second dog. We argued about that for years. Last year she got her second dog. When we got into debt, she took away my credit card, no discussion. She said she would stop using hers as well but she still treated me like a child.

Basically she was in charge and the house was run her way. It took a lot of therapy with a counselor to get me to the point where I finally left.

 

[MissMarvelous]

Well, you finally did it which is the first step towards a better life. I've read this on the internet "the first step won't take you to where you want to go but it will take you out from where you are" (give it or take).

 

[Hobgoblin]

She texted me today saying her lawyer told her to try marriage counseling for people with mental illness. I told her no, and she said we can still work it out. I insisted that it’s over and I’m happier where I am. She started to say that she put so much hope in me, and I told to not guilt trip me. After that she just talked about her fear of paying the bills without my help. I told her she could have her parents help with bills and I’d pay them back once my bank account is up and running . Then she said she was having a mental breakdown.

Im sure she’s stressed as hell, so am I. But settle down, please. This is just uncomfortable.

 

[MissMarvelous]

She needs to back the heck off, she cannot pretend to fix a marriage that has been broken for years. And this should not be a surprise for her, you asked her and begged her for a change and she didn't listen.

How she chooses to live her life from now on, depends entirely on her. How she pays her bills is up to her. She's a capable woman who can get a better job if the one she currently has is not good enough. Is not your responsibility, not anymore!

You need to focus on your life and to learn who you are, who you want to be, what you want to be.

When she said that she "put so much hope in you", that was totally unfair. You did too and she never cared. Otherwise, you wouldn't be here.

Do you have your own lawyer? Maybe it's best if the professionals take care of everything.

 

[Hobgoblin]

As she herself would say, “play stupid games and win stupid prizes.” I accept my responsibility for paying for my share of the mortgage but she needs to calm down. We can do this. Besides, she and her mom always did our finances together without me around, so what’s the difference?

As for putting hope in me, I worked my *** off. That’s true for my jobs and around the house. Meanwhile she played video games, when she wasn’t at work. I did get complacent about finding better work, that’s my fault. She has a legitimate complaint there.

I got a lawyer when she didn’t want me to. She said it was a needless expense when we could handle it ourselves. It also shows a lack of trust in the other side. Unfortunately I can see her dad meddling in the process, so that’s why I hired a professional lawyer.

 

[ComicChick]

glad to see you're putting your foot down and calling her out on her behavior and attempts to manipulate you.

 

[Erzengel]

Yes. Don't let her use emotional blackmail on you.

 

[Hobgoblin]

Things are staying ok. It is much more peaceful with my brother. My libido has decreased quite a bit, which is kind of nice. It was difficult to not be turned on while living with my wife. There was still the hope that I may have sex but since there aren’t women around now there’s no temptation. I don’t miss her cumbersome, loud, needy dogs. I don’t miss her insane politics and the arguments about them. I don’t miss her constantly playing video games. I sure as hell don’t miss her family.

I do miss her company. It does get lonely even for me. It was awkward hearing my brother with a girl he brought home last night.

Well, good for him.

 

[spiderman2]

I went to the movies tonight tried to ask a woman who works there for her number after talking to her for a minute or so. She said she has a bf. Hoping to get time of come Thursday after 4 months of trying to see a therapist. I dont want to talk to any one I just want to get time of work to try to job hunt and work on my self and to try to lose weight. More stuff happened to and man I just need a break. If I can get time of not only will I be trying to lose weight and trying to job hunt but I also need to just forget about woman for a little bit.

 

[Hobgoblin]

I moved in with my brother two weeks ago. Things have been good but I’m alone the majority of the time. I have enough on my mind without stewing about it alone and in silence. I contacted a therapist last night and they haven’t replied yet.

 

[RetrogradeOrbit]

@Hobgoblin
In the UK we have something known as “The Samaritans”, essentially it is an organisation of volunteers who are available 24/7 on the telephone and are trained to listen, offer advice and so on.
Do you have anything like that where you are?

 

[Flash525]

@Hobgoblin
In the UK we have something known as “The Samaritans”, essentially it is an organisation of volunteers who are available 24/7 on the telephone and are trained to listen, offer advice and so on.
Do you have anything like that where you are?

 

[InCali]

I moved in with my brother two weeks ago. Things have been good but I’m alone the majority of the time. I have enough on my mind without stewing about it alone and in silence. I contacted a therapist last night and they haven’t replied yet.

Keep looking. You should set up appointments with more than one therapist anyway to start. I think you'll find that you are more comfortable with different styles, maybe genders, etc.

 

[Hobgoblin]

@Hobgoblin
In the UK we have something known as “The Samaritans”, essentially it is an organisation of volunteers who are available 24/7 on the telephone and are trained to listen, offer advice and so on.
Do you have anything like that where you are?

Probably. Suicide Hotlines come to mind, but that seems extreme.

 

[Flash525]

Probably. Suicide Hotlines come to mind, but that seems extreme.

I volunteer for, and by extension am one of the Samaritans, and whilst they're often advertised as a suicide prevention hotline, they really aren't. It's more for general mental health, of which suicidal thoughts are a factor.

There may be specific agencies in and out of the UK that deal specifically with suicidal thoughts and feelings, I wouldn't know, but even then, sometimes it's just the ability to talk to a stranger about life troubles; someone that doesn't know you that couldn't possibly know you, someone that's unbiased and almost alien.

It's good that you're sharing here, but with respect, you're just typing. Sometimes people need to actually talk, and they can't do that with their therapist or with a friend because there's that personal connection. Hotlines however, don't have that. Again, I can't speak for any of the others, but the Samaritans is 100% confidential. You don't know us, we don't know you (unless you're unlucky enough to phone in during one of my shifts). Jokes aside though, it might do you the world of good to give it a go - you've got nothing to lose.

116 123 (it's freephone too). One thing I will say though if/before you do phone in, we aren't there for advice. We exist to listen and maybe offer up some suggestions, but we can't tell you what to do. We don't provide legal advice either (you'd be amazed how many callers get irritated when we tell them that).

 

[Iceman]

Best of luck @Hobgoblin

We’re all behind you here.

 

[Hobgoblin]

Thank you for the support, everyone. It has been helpful in ways I can’t emphasize. Flash 525 is totally correct, typing is great but actual conversation is what i need.

Oddly, leaving my previous counselor has been as empowering as leaving my wife. She cared about me but I didn’t always feel she listened or respected my opinion. Granted she’s human and is entitled to her opinion but it still rubbed me the wrong way. Leaving both of them really felt like a fresh start.

 

[GunBlade]

Probably. Suicide Hotlines come to mind, but that seems extreme.

Google “warmline.” There should be sources available in your area.

 

[Hobgoblin]

I went to my former home after work to pick a few remaining things. We had a mutual friend there and we watched a few episodes of The Boys. Then we had dinner. It was nice, reminded me that when things were good, they were very good. The marriage could work if I only saw her every few weeks for three hours, and her parents weren’t there, and nothing political was talked about and if I were ok with never having sex with her.

I’m not changing my mind, it was just interesting how our marriage could have such extreme differences in experience.

 

[InCali]

I went to my former home after work to pick a few remaining things. We had a mutual friend there and we watched a few episodes of The Boys. Then we had dinner. It was nice, reminded me that when things were good, they were very good. The marriage could work if I only saw her every few weeks for three hours, and her parents weren’t there, and nothing political was talked about and if I were ok with never having sex with her.

I’m not changing my mind, it was just interesting how our marriage could have such extreme differences in experience.

I'm pretty good with numbers, but I cannot tell you how many people, how many times were coming home and thought how much they cared about their significant other and how they were going to change the dynamic that led to arguments and so forth. I also can't tell you how many people utterly failed in this endeavor. Having a mutual friend (aka peacekeeper) is also helpful as it keeps people from falling into their old habits.

I'm glad you enjoyed yourself. Just keep in mind that unless people are really willing to make fundamental changes in how they deal with each other, that the same, old dynamics will kick in with predictable results.

I had a bit of an argument with my wife this morning and, I think, it illustrates that all conflict isn't horrible.

We are in the process of refinancing our house due to low interest rates. I did all of the leg work (which, if you've ever done a refi, you know is substantial). This included arranging for the appraisal, gathering relevant documents, doing some minor repairs, dealing with the lender, etc. What I asked was that when the appraiser came (Today/Sunday at noon), that the house was clean (ie my son and daughter didn't have their clothes and miscellaneous junk spread all over the landscape). Since I'm caring for my mother and had to leave yesterday, I gave my wife a call last night to remind her (she had totally forgotten). I also called twice this morning (no answer) to follow up. Since I got no response, I sent a text to everyone as a second reminder. The appraiser called me to say he would be a bit late, so I called my wife again (who answered) to let her know.

I asked how everything was going and she started in on a rant about how hard and long she had to work to get the house "sparkling" clean. I asked her if our son and daughter helped and was told it wasn't about them and that I should have thanked her (she never thanked me for researching and arranging everything for the loan, but that's different....). I told her that if she felt the amount of work was unreasonable, she had other resources and playing maid for adult children helped neither her nor them. She hung up and later texted me that I can't ever use the word "complain" when describing her complaining again. I told her that if she didn't want me to use it, that she shouldn't do it.

Now, during this entire time, I never got angry and my entire motivation was to try and get her to understand that our kids can help and it isn't illegal child labor for them to have chores and help around the house (a fool's errand BTW). One of the things that bothers me is she loves playing the mom martyr thing (it's a cultural thing...) and I have no sympathy whatsoever. My take is that if she has legitimate complaints, I'm willing to listen and (AS ASKED) help, but don't come to me with the same issue over and over again when you are bringing on the "problem" yourself and know damn good and well, and from years of experience, what the solution is because, after years and years of listening to the same issue, I don't have the patience for it anymore.

Now.......this is important guys. When a lot of women want to vent, do NOT "solve" the problem unless specifically asked to do so. My experience is that a lot of women want to tell you how they are feeling and do NOT want your solutions. If they do, they will ask......I hope you're paying attention. A lot of men go right to the solution and, believe me, it's generally not appreciated; no matter that it's your motivation to help. The above is just a general rule of thumb and, of course, doesn't apply to everyone. I would be interested to hear what other women think about this point.

EDIT: The appraiser gave me a very favorable preliminary assessment on the value of our home. I told my wife about it and she's very happy and is no longer angry at me. Problem solved.

 

[Hobgoblin]

I’m definitely not going to screw things up and go back to her after years of struggle just because it was like the old days for three hours. I would deserve every ounce of spite I would be getting.

 

[Flash525]

Now.......this is important guys. When a lot of women want to vent, do NOT "solve" the problem unless specifically asked to do so. My experience is that a lot of women want to tell you how they are feeling and do NOT want your solutions. If they do, they will ask......I hope you're paying attention. A lot of men go right to the solution and, believe me, it's generally not appreciated; no matter that it's your motivation to help. The above is just a general rule of thumb and, of course, doesn't apply to everyone. I would be interested to hear what other women think about this point.

I find this very interesting, not because of the specific scenario, but because of the message in that not everyone wants to hear your/my/our opinion or advice on the matter.

It is however, difficult to know. I'm not entirely sure it's gender specific either, although (please excuse me for saying so) but in my experience, women tend to talk more than men.

Some people are going to need to get stuff off their chest though, and that's all they'll need to do. They aren't looking for advice or suggestions, they just want someone to listen. I've found that many a-time during Samaritan calls I've taken; sometimes mere acknowledgement is all they need, then a caller will run out of steam, (usually) thank us for listening and end the call.

Slightly different in a real life scenario though, but then I guess you can get a vibe as to whether someone wants your input or not?

Think on this topic. If someone new came in and unleashed their life story but didn't ask that magical question of what do I do, or what do you guys and girls think, we'd still more likely than not offer up our thoughts, right?

 

[InCali]

I find this very interesting, not because of the specific scenario, but because of the message in that not everyone wants to hear your/my/our opinion or advice on the matter.

It is however, difficult to know. I'm not entirely sure it's gender specific either, although (please excuse me for saying so) but in my experience, women tend to talk more than men.

Some people are going to need to get stuff off their chest though, and that's all they'll need to do. They aren't looking for advice or suggestions, they just want someone to listen. I've found that many a-time during Samaritan calls I've taken; sometimes mere acknowledgement is all they need, then a caller will run out of steam, (usually) thank us for listening and end the call.

Slightly different in a real life scenario though, but then I guess you can get a vibe as to whether someone wants your input or not?

Think on this topic. If someone new came in and unleashed their life story but didn't ask that magical question of what do I do, or what do you guys and girls think, we'd still more likely than not offer up our thoughts, right?

I wouldn't say it's gender specific, but, from my own experience, it's a strong trend. The socialization processes between men and women differ, so, while you can't say everyone is like X, I "think" there's a general difference in how men and women express themselves and what they're looking for out of said expressions; at least in this regard.

I'm a planner and something of a scientist. I feed off the ideas of others and constantly adjust to what I think are good ideas and, while there is some of that in all of us, my general take is this "tends" to run a little stronger in men. I've found that a lot of time, my "solutions" aren't solutions at all, but are interruptions and stop others from expressing themselves. Just because my process is different than someone else's doesn't make mine any more valid than anyone else's.

As I said before, I think the perspective of women is a lot more interesting and valuable than mine.

I think that a lot of time, people really know what they need to do and just have different ways of getting there. Listening is a skill we should all become better at.