Attack of the *Official* Relationship Advice Thread

[Godzilla2000]

I freely admit that I haven't had very long drawn out relationships at all because I just don't stay very long if I feel like I could be doing other more productive things. Dating the wrong guys just distracts me from all the ideas in my head.

 

[Anita18]

Well, the thing is that I demand that people prove themselves to me before I'm willing to trust them. If I don't see physical results that I am protected then I will just stand there in silence and not give in one way or the other. Basically this is a test of character and many have failed it because philosophically and intellectually they aren't what I'd consider on my level. I'm looking for my equal in every physical and mental aspect. Anything less than someone I can relate to is just wasting my time. Whether or not this is an unfair assessment is irrelevant because this is just how I feel.

People may pick that up and mentally tag you as being high-maintenance. High-quality guys usually aren't up for being the noble knight and jump through hoops to "prove" themselves to one woman unless they're super-duper infatuated with you. And if you don't open yourself up first, I'm afraid it'll be based on how you look anyway.

In my first relationship, I demanded that my bf "prove" his devotion to me all the time and would essentially throw a fit if he had failed to do so pretty much every day. It was incredibly immature and showed that I didn't trust him and that I had self-esteem issues to work out. It was something I'm glad I grew out of, because I'm pretty sure my current bf wouldn't have the patience to put up with that crap for long.

^
What you just said is not unreasonable.

However, several other posts you made makes it seem you have unrealistic expectations of men especially around where you live.

And your "inability" to remember past relationships, means you are either side stepping the question or haven't been that long lasting.

Or that she's been in so many short-term relationships that it's hard to keep them straight.

My first relationship I thought was an embarrassment to me, but I learned from it and moved on. I can probably count all the people I've ever dated (first dates included) on both hands. If I think hard enough I could even tell you who they were (I'm terrible with names though ) and where we went. Obviously, most of them didn't work out for various reasons, but I don't choose to "forget" them - otherwise how would you ever learn from your experiences if you keep choosing to forget them?

But then again I have a frighteningly good memory.

I freely admit that I haven't had very long drawn out relationships at all because I just don't stay very long if I feel like I could be doing other more productive things. Dating the wrong guys just distracts me from all the ideas in my head.

To be honest, I first started dating my bf because I had nothing else better to do. But he's turned out to be a VERY inspiring person for me creatively. He's not afraid to tackle impossibly-huge projects by himself, which was inspiring to watch, and something that I picked up for myself.

This wasn't until we had been together for a while and he was staying over weekends and I got to see how he was 24/7 (and see that he spent almost all of his mornings working on his huge project ) instead of just on the occasional date night. Sometimes things take time to develop.

 

[Erzengel]

Or that she's been in so many short-term relationships that it's hard to keep them straight.

My first relationship I thought was an embarrassment to me, but I learned from it and moved on. I can probably count all the people I've ever dated (first dates included) on both hands. If I think hard enough I could even tell you who they were (I'm terrible with names though ) and where we went. Obviously, most of them didn't work out for various reasons, but I don't choose to "forget" them - otherwise how would you ever learn from your experiences if you keep choosing to forget them?

But then again I have a frighteningly good memory.

I remember a girl I had a "blind" date with after initially talking to on the phone for a few weeks and having her use "someone" just called my cell, I have to go excuse.

I had a feeling by the way Jin was talking, how it was before she confirmed it. And I'm not criticizing because I know many a girl from their 20s into their 40s who are unlucky in love, whether by circumstance, or by personal sabotage.

They just have to kind of break the cycle. Keep dating a'holes? Stop dating a'holes. Have intimacy issues? Take it slower. Can't find anyone in town to date? Start looking in nearby towns.

 

[Hiddensymbols]

So I am kind of in a pickle. My girlfriend and I of 3 years recently broke up and I was pretty devastated up until this ex of mine from high school who went off and got married contacted me. Well the married one told me she is in love with me yesterday and has been contemplating leaving her husband and is coming on pretty strong. Recently I have been told by my other ex's friends that she is going to try and come back to me, that she misses me and breaking up was a mistake. I am not entirely sure what I should do as I have feelings for both but there are obviously obstacles on both ends. Any input would be appreciated.

 

[SpideyVille]

Say no to the married one. If she's willing to do that to her husband, who she made a vow and commitment to, there's always a chance that she'll do the same if she's in a relationship with you.

As for the other girl, listen to what she has to say and not just base a decision off of what her friends said.

 

[Cuyan]

Time alone would do you well in this scenario. If you jump from your long-term relationship into this nostalgic rekindling, you be fooling yourself into thinking there is more there. Take time to make sure you are who you need to be before jumping into something new. If she really wants to restart with you then let her finish what she needs to finish (i.e. her marriage) BEFORE moving on with you.

Personally, I wouldn't want to jump right into a relationship of any kind with a woman who has just recently ended her marriage.

 

[LOBO3315a]

Tell the married one to look you up when the divorce is final. Wait to hear it from your GF of 3 years that she thinks it was a mistake to break up, not from her friends.

Don't get strung along.

 

[Erzengel]

Is that really a pickle?

I mean, you've been with your ex-gf for 3 years. I'm assuming your ex from high school, you haven't seen in 3+ years.

A lot changes between high school and afterwards, you're both not the same person. I mean, outside of your breakup with your current ex, how was the relationship prior?

 

[amazingfantasy15]

Well, where I live is a pretty strange community anyways with houses up for sale because people can't afford them, no jobs, and very little to do so you'd probably not want to come here. Well, maybe you'd like to visit in the Summer time when it's nice out and you can see one of our dazzling sunsets and sunrises.

Anyways, that whole sex with no strings sort of a thing is mostly just my instinctive approach to guys. You see, I am a very distrusting sort of person in that based upon past experiences with people I tend to keep everyone, even members of my own family, at arms length. I need to see with my own eyes through actions, not words that someone has my best interests and my happiness as a priority. Of course I do always think that I'm being tricked and lied to as well so it's more or less a double edged sword. I've just been screwed over literally and figuratively too many times to be so blindly trusting of a man I'm interested in unless I see some genuine, real actions to protect my dignity and esteem.

I think you're best bet might be to start collecting cats. Going into a relationship with distrust or demanding that a guy prove himself to you immediately is going to lead nowhere. Also you keep telling us what the guy needs to bring to the table, but what are you bringing? Baggage, distrust and demands? Those aren't really appealing qualities. Until you can let your guard down a little and not believe every man is hiding something or is just after sex you're not going to have luck in the dating game. From your posts it really sounds like you should talk to a professional to help you with some of your issues.

I don't remember past relationships at all. I file anything that didn't last into the great paper shredder of my subconscious. It's easier for me to just forget them all as opposed to remembering something that was a lost cause. It's pretty funny what the mind will choose to remember or forget.

This is a lie, stop telling yourself this because it isn't true, your posts say you clearly haven't gotten over a past relationship(s). The first post I quoted says as much.

 

[steintym]

So I am kind of in a pickle. My girlfriend and I of 3 years recently broke up and I was pretty devastated up until this ex of mine from high school who went off and got married contacted me. Well the married one told me she is in love with me yesterday and has been contemplating leaving her husband and is coming on pretty strong. Recently I have been told by my other ex's friends that she is going to try and come back to me, that she misses me and breaking up was a mistake. I am not entirely sure what I should do as I have feelings for both but there are obviously obstacles on both ends. Any input would be appreciated.

Getting mixed up with the married ex will not end well. Let that one go for sure.

 

[Hiddensymbols]

Is that really a pickle?

I mean, you've been with your ex-gf for 3 years. I'm assuming your ex from high school, you haven't seen in 3+ years.

A lot changes between high school and afterwards, you're both not the same person. I mean, outside of your breakup with your current ex, how was the relationship prior?

First off thanks for the feedback guys. To answer your questions the married ex and I hadn't seen or talked in 6 years or so, and our relationship was pretty typical of a young high school thing. She wanted to be serious and I was at a point where I was serial dating, so things didn't work out but she has been carrying a torch for me since then apparently, she has been respectful just has made sure i'm aware of how she feels. The relationship with my ex of three years was really something great, not to say we didn't have some pretty huge ups and downs. In the end it is just this messed up situation where I know I will have to choose, and not really sure of what to do. In regard to staying single for awhile, I am not against it at all this stuff just kinda popped up and, i'm wary of letting opportunities pass me by.

 

[Hiddensymbols]

Getting mixed up with the married ex will not end well. Let that one go for sure.

I have made it clear to her that if she wan'ts something with me I am not willing to help her cheat and I won't be with her if I am the only reason she leaves her husband.

 

[ComicChick]

I don't remember past relationships at all. I file anything that didn't last into the great paper shredder of my subconscious. It's easier for me to just forget them all as opposed to remembering something that was a lost cause. It's pretty funny what the mind will choose to remember or forget.

you don't remember past relationships but you remember getting screwed over again and again? why can't you forget those?

 

[Optimus_Prime_]

A girl likes me. She's hot. I just make sure to display confidence in social settings and the rest seems to work itself out naturally. I know what I'm doing [so far].

 

[twylight]

I think you're best bet might be to start collecting cats. Going into a relationship with distrust or demanding that a guy prove himself to you immediately is going to lead nowhere. Also you keep telling us what the guy needs to bring to the table, but what are you bringing? Baggage, distrust and demands? Those aren't really appealing qualities. Until you can let your guard down a little and not believe every man is hiding something or is just after sex you're not going to have luck in the dating game. From your posts it really sounds like you should talk to a professional to help you with some of your issues.



This is a lie, stop telling yourself this because it isn't true, your posts say you clearly haven't gotten over a past relationship(s). The first post I quoted says as much.

Don't generally agree with AF15 but in this case he's spot on, albeit a bit abrasive about it, but that's his style.

 

[Erzengel]

The relationship with my ex of three years was really something great, not to say we didn't have some pretty huge ups and downs. In the end it is just this messed up situation where I know I will have to choose, and not really sure of what to do. In regard to staying single for awhile, I am not against it at all this stuff just kinda popped up and, i'm wary of letting opportunities pass me by.

I still don't see why this is a choice?

I mean you're considering a girl you haven't really seen or spoke to in 6 years when you were 15/16?

You're 22 now, and a lot different than you were then. I understand caring for someone you were once with. Girls I dated over 10 years ago, I don't necessarily talk to but I don't want anything bad to happen to them.

Again, I just don't see why you'd even consider going back especially to a girl no matter how unhappy she is, who hasn't gotten over you even after almost half a decade ago. That's a long time to pine for someone who you haven't spoke to in that amount of time.

 

[Hiddensymbols]

I still don't see why this is a choice?

I mean you're considering a girl you haven't really seen or spoke to in 6 years when you were 15/16?

You're 22 now, and a lot different than you were then. I understand caring for someone you were once with. Girls I dated over 10 years ago, I don't necessarily talk to but I don't want anything bad to happen to them.

Again, I just don't see why you'd even consider going back especially to a girl no matter how unhappy she is, who hasn't gotten over you even after almost half a decade ago. That's a long time to pine for someone who you haven't spoke to in that amount of time.

I know what you mean, and that is a fair point. Thanks for the advice.

 

[Erzengel]

Obviously, I don't know the situation with either, why you broke up with your current or how either of them are. Maybe the answer is neither of them.

 

[Hiddensymbols]

Obviously, I don't know the situation with either, why you broke up with your current or how either of them are. Maybe the answer is neither of them.

Well the reason it's a pickle is because my ex of three years left me and was with a new guy in about two days, so I am fairly certain there was some dirty dealings going on so I am not sure she deserves a chance to come back. The issue with the other is obviously she is married but, the real problem is that we have developed a really close friendship over the last couple months and feelings developed but I wont go there because of the obvious. Then the choice issue stems from the fact that I know that the one ex is going to try and come back to me soon and the other one keeps telling me she is going to divorce him she just has to finish filing the paperwork. Sorry maybe I should have been more forthcoming with information, and maybe your 100 % right and I should choose neither.

 

[Erzengel]

If you talk to your most recent ex, ask her why she got together with someone so quickly? It seems like have some trust & communication issues. And maybe it was so easy to "click" with your high school ex, because there is already of level of familiarity also, she is filling a void that your other ex left.

If you can work things out with your most recent ex, fine. If you don't, I think jumping into any relationship after being in one for over 3 years may not be the best choice. Maybe you need some "you" time to sort things out.

 

[Hiddensymbols]

If you talk to your most recent ex, ask her why she got together with someone so quickly? It seems like have some trust & communication issues. And maybe it was so easy to "click" with your high school ex, because there is already of level of familiarity also, she is filling a void that your other ex left.

If you can work things out with your most recent ex, fine. If you don't, I think jumping into any relationship after being in one for over 3 years may not be the best choice. Maybe you need some "you" time to sort things out.

Thanks I really do value your advice, It is good to get an outside opinion on the whole thing since my family and friends are biased towards one or the other. Really appreciate it.

 

[twylight]

And maybe it was so easy to "click" with your high school ex, because there is already of level of familiarity also, she is filling a void that your other ex left.

This is highly possible. My rebound from my last boyfriend was actually one of my ex's. Why? Because he was familiar, comforting and 'safe'.

 

[Hiddensymbols]

This is highly possible. My rebound from my last boyfriend was actually one of my ex's. Why? Because he was familiar, comforting and 'safe'.

It very easily could be this now that I look at it in that light.

 

[SpideyVille]

If you can work things out with your most recent ex, fine. If you don't, I think jumping into any relationship after being in one for over 3 years may not be the best choice. Maybe you need some "you" time to sort things out.

I think this is the best advice. In fact, I just told that to a friend of mine earlier who recently broke up with her boyfriend of a couple of years and now she's been seeing about 4 different guys, even though she only really likes one of them. I told her the best thing to do is take that time off to really figure out what she truly wants, as opposed to making a choice out of what's available at the moment. I think the same applies in this situation too. Take some time off and figure out what you want before jumping into something right away just because there's an opportunity.

 

[enterthemadness]

Just an update: I'm still single.

What the Hype read...

ETM: Lolz I'm forever alone