Attack of the *Official* Relationship Advice Thread

[SpideyVille]

God has pulled a cruel joke on me, making me fall for the ones who are married or have boyfriends and having the ones I can't stand gravitate toward me..

I don't know if I mentioned this here before, but I remember hearing this on HIMYM a couple of weeks ago and its very true. The two things you need are chemistry and timing. Once you see that you have chemistry, all you need is timing, and that's harder to control. The last couple of girls that I've gotten close to hooking up with either had a recent ex or were on a break. And some of the girls that have shown clear interest in me are the ones that I want nothing to do with. So its just a matter of finding someone and hoping that things will work out for the best in the end.

I've learned a lot from these past few experiences with girls and exes and other things that got in the way, and all it really showed me is that sometimes the thing you want the most is not really the best thing for you, whether you realize it right away or not. So don't stop trying. I did for a year and it sucked.

 

[SuperSoldier985]

Yep, I've had great chemistry from those considered "taken"...

Those that I knew were into me, I just didn't feel like there was going to be anything there..

 

[SpideyVille]

Well yeah like I said earlier, I get along much better with girls that I either have no attraction to or that I know are in a relationship, so there is no added pressure there to impress them. And with that, it becomes a mental battle of just going out there and seeing how things go with someone who I know is single and am trying to impress. But like many have told me in recent days, you can't force that stuff to happen. I can't force this girl to have chemistry with me if its just not there, no matter how much I wish I could.

Like they say, it's a numbers game and you just have to keep going out there and trying no matter what. Eventually, you will find that person who is single and you have good chemistry with and you just take it from there.

 

[Anubis]

Yep, I've had great chemistry from those considered "taken"...

Those that I knew were into me, I just didn't feel like there was going to be anything there..

You could, like, stop giving a s**t that they're "taken" and just go for it anyway.

 

[Godzilla2000]

God has pulled a cruel joke on me, making me fall for the ones who are married or have boyfriends and having the ones I can't stand gravitate toward me..

Yes, I have the exact same problem as you do. You could be like me and pray that someday they become available for wholesale again though. I know it sounds very un-Christian of me to say that but I guess you never really know 100% what goes on in a married man/woman's life. I'm still human you know. There's just a slim chance that eventually things might sour in the marriage or some hidden, personality trait finally bubbles up to the surface after awhile, like jealousy. You're talking to the one who has been in a friendship with a guy that started out all nice and sweet when he was trying to woo me but I kept refusing his advances despite all my family trying to get me hitched to the guy. They're reasoning was that I would be taken care of, blah, blah, blah. But I refuse to live a lie, be stuck in a loveless relationship with a man I have no attraction to. We're still friends but the guy gets on my nerves an awful lot. Thank God I never gave in to pressure and married the wanker. In fact, thank God I never gave in to any of my impulses when I was a youngster in my 20's...well aside from dipping people into fountains. That was actually fun. I am so glad I've never trapped myself in a marriage that I'd regret later on in life when that right man comes along. Now that I think back on my youth, what did I know when I was in my twenties? I thought I knew everything but I didn't. I laugh because I realize even at 38 I still have no clue about life and love because life is all about discovery, for bad or good. You could be in your 60's and still not know the answers. I laugh at people who say they know all, blah, blah, blah. I think the worst kind of betrayal is finding a person you're attracted to, get married to them but find out they're only interested in their exterior appearances and will bleed you dry of your money to look "perfect" in the eyes of people stuck in fantasy land.

 

[SpideyVille]

I told my friend that I was thinking of stopping by her job to see her friend after I hand in my job application and she said she thinks its a bad idea since her friend didn't mention me or anything and is probably not looking for someone right now. But I feel like I shouldn't let that discourage me from at least trying again.

 

[SuperSoldier985]

You could, like, stop giving a s**t that they're "taken" and just go for it anyway.

The hell?

 

[Anita18]

You could, like, stop giving a s**t that they're "taken" and just go for it anyway.

Karma's gonna get you man...in the form of their big burly bf/husband going after your ass.

My coworker's being pseudo-stalked by a doctor where we work. She's mentioned to him that she has young kids and that she's married, but he must sense that there's something wrong in the marriage because all she talks about are her kids. (She's getting a divorce but hasn't told anyone here except her immediate work group.)

She's a nice, gorgeous girl who's so friendly it can come across flirtatious, but who also has a really hard time saying no. But seriously, even though she's getting divorced, she's NOT looking for anything new right now. No, not even with a doctor at one of the most renowned cancer hospitals in the country.

I think girls who are taken are more friendly because the pressure's off. I know I'm a lot friendlier with strangers since I don't worry that I have to impress anyone. It really doesn't mean that I'm into you.

And I think too many guys interpret friendly as "I want to jump your bones right now." Just because a girl smiles and talks friendly to you doesn't mean that. Friendly moves into flirty when we add something else, like a touch on the arm or a lot of hair-playing or lingering looks, etc.

 

[Godzilla2000]

And I think too many guys interpret friendly as "I want to jump your bones right now." Just because a girl smiles and talks friendly to you doesn't mean that. Friendly moves into flirty when we add something else, like a touch on the arm or a lot of hair-playing or lingering looks, etc.

I don't know...there could be a few guys, married and single, that I could totally be ultra friendly with whom I would want to jump their bones too. But in the case of any married guys it's the better discretion for me not to act upon sex driven impulses unless I know they're totally free and clear to have a relationship with. And I only contemplate sexual contact with a guy only after I've been with him for awhile and have a good grasp of who he is. I have no problem with divorced men just so long as they've sufficiently gotten their ex out of their system, perhaps spread their wings of freedom for a bit after a divorce to work out pent up lustful inclinations. I always like to make it clear that I am not accepting of being in a temporary rebound relationship type deal though. You can say all that you want but I'm not going to budge one bit on this. I'm getting too old to play that sort of a love game anymore. I do not like wasting my time on something that's not going to go anywhere romantically and in the marital status area. My dream is not to be a rock star or a model or an actress (And I can't act my way out of a paper bag anyway.), but to eventually be a loyal, supportive, dedicated wife and to put my roots down in a stable environment, but one that provides me with the pleasant surprises and congenial spontaneity Saggitarians love to exhibit.

 

[Anita18]

I always like to make it clear that I am not accepting of being in a temporary rebound relationship type deal though. You can say all that you want but I'm not going to budge one bit on this. I'm getting too old to play that sort of a love game anymore. I do not like wasting my time on something that's not going to go anywhere romantically and in the marital status area. My dream is not to be a rock star or a model or an actress (And I can't act my way out of a paper bag anyway.), but to eventually be a loyal, supportive, dedicated wife and to put my roots down in a stable environment, but one that provides me with the pleasant surprises and congenial spontaneity Saggitarians love to exhibit.

I've definitely suggested it on this thread but I've forgotten if I've suggested this to you specifically - have you ever considered online dating? Your er, focus (to say the least ) on finding someone suitable to marry sounds perfect for Eharmony. It's expensive ($20/month for 12 months, $60 for just 1 month) so I never bothered with it myself, but it would at least put you on the right track. Match.com is another site I've heard has good activity because it's a paid service, but it's populated with people who are less focused on marriage.

It's just that every post of yours here is focused on marriage or finding someone suitable to marry, and it isn't like we can really do anything about that for you here.

I met my bf of 3 years on Plenty of Fish, after going through many messages and a few dates. People who do online dating are perceived to be losers, but they could just be very unusual introverted hermits like we are. My bf is not someone whom I'd expect to find myself in a relationship with, but what really attracted me to him initially was his support of everything I did. You don't often find someone who tells you you should pursue graduate studies across the country if it's something you really want to do, when you've only been dating a few months!

 

[Godzilla2000]

No, I am not going to online date at all. Call me old fashioned but i just do not trust that service at all. I like to let things happen organically, as in I'm not going to go out and actively attack men. I feel if it's meant to be, the right guy will show up and sweep me off my feet. I don't feel comfortable just trying to tamper with fate and destiny. I work at a 24 hour laundromat that has many people coming in and out. I'll meet my equal that way I believe. If something is meant to happen it's going to happen regardless of what people think.

 

[WillardNation]

Karma's gonna get you man...in the form of their big burly bf/husband going after your ass.

Or maybe they're not that happy in their relationship and just need a good enough reason to get out of it. Or maybe their bf/husband isn't actually big and burly and you can totally take them. Maybe you coming along is karma benefiting you and going after their current bf's ass. Ya never know.

 

[Anita18]

No, I am not going to online date at all. Call me old fashioned but i just do not trust that service at all. I like to let things happen organically, as in I'm not going to go out and actively attack men. I feel if it's meant to be, the right guy will show up and sweep me off my feet. I don't feel comfortable just trying to tamper with fate and destiny. I work at a 24 hour laundromat that has many people coming in and out. I'll meet my equal that way I believe. If something is meant to happen it's going to happen regardless of what people think.

Oh, my relationship with my bf happened organically, and nobody "attacked" each other. In fact we still disagree over who messaged the other first. Unfortunately, Plenty of Fish deletes messages over 2 weeks old so the evidence is looong gone.

Online dating is just a way for people who want to meet others without any "do they like me or not" games. You're there on the site, you KNOW that people who message you are interested in you in that way.

And I'm thinking people who go to the laundromat only have one thing on their mind - getting their dang laundry done! They aren't looking at the woman cleaning up dryer lint left over by other customers or mopping the floors. Besides, most of your customers could be younger guys only into FWB, or older guys on minimum wage who can't afford their own washer/dryers, or homeless people who don't have anywhere else to clean their clothes. It's possible that nobody going through your laundromat is suitable for you, you just don't know.

It was obvious to me that being an introverted hermit was making it difficult for me to meet people in real life, so I simply gave myself better options.

Unfortunately the "waiting for Mr. Right" may be a big reason why you're still single at 38.

Or maybe they're not that happy in their relationship and just need a good enough reason to get out of it. Or maybe their bf/husband isn't actually big and burly and you can totally take them. Maybe you coming along is karma benefiting you and going after their current bf's ass. Ya never know.

That's a lot of assumptions to be banking on.

I think many people here will attest that waiting for their love interest to one day FINALLY decide to break up with/divorce their current guy is a pipe dream. Well, it works if you just want to shag the girl, but being a ***** buddy is the only thing you'll be to her. You'll just be the guy on the side, not her main guy.

 

[WillardNation]

Just sayin', if you want something, go after it. It'll either work out or it won't.

 

[terry78]

Haha, and these days the husband or boyfriend isn't usually big and burly like in Archie comics. He's often skinny and hipster.

 

[Bruce Banner]

So the girl I dated for the past few months said she wanted to take a break last week after a very heated chat over the phone.( we didn't tell each other about our intentions, she wasn't looking for anything serious after her last relationship, while I was just getting back into the dating scene, after my few mistakes along the way.)

My past few week were already in the extreme pits so I went on with dealing with everything else. She celebrated her birthday over this weekend and now I just got off the phone with her a minute ago. She wants to meet up after I get out of class tomorrow.

I'm not going to take her back, but I am curious as to what are her possible intentions( so I could be ready for whatever)? She is the first person I actually dated in the past couple years so I never take the stuff from my youth all that serious.

 

[Godzilla2000]

Or maybe they're not that happy in their relationship and just need a good enough reason to get out of it.

Me personally, no matter how much I fall for a guy, I would never get involved with a guy until after they've sorted out the whole divorce thing. I'd never want to get directly involved in something of that nature.

 

[bullets]

I told my friend that I was thinking of stopping by her job to see her friend after I hand in my job application and she said she thinks its a bad idea since her friend didn't mention me or anything and is probably not looking for someone right now. But I feel like I shouldn't let that discourage me from at least trying again.

She just might not of been thinking of you or know that you were interested. Unless your friend completely discourages it, I think you still have a shot. At least your offering something fun to do and she shouldn't pass something like that up.

 

[Anubis]

Alls fair in love and war, as they say.

 

[Godzilla2000]

Alls fair in love and war, as they say.

I don't know, I play pretty fairly in that respect. When I know a married guy in a troubled marriage has a passing interest in me I lay down what my expectations are. I know this might sound cruel but even before I'd entertain any sort of intimate relations with a man in this circumstance I make it absolutely clear that I will not tolerate being the training wheels on that bicycle so to speak. If a married man is that into me he has to make a choice, it's her or me, and if he can't give himself up completely to me then there's no chance of anything happening at all. I lived with three competitive sisters and I don't like sharing things with other people very readily. If things are so bad between the man and the woman that he has to go outside of it to look for love then it's not a marriage to begin with as I see it. But I will not sully myself by getting involved with a married man just to be the reason for the wife to get a divorce.

 

[Anita18]

Alls fair in love and war, as they say.

But if someone's willing to cheat to be with you, don't be surprised if they do the same thing to you when a better model comes along.

 

[Anubis]

You shouldn't be surprised but it's not inevitable that they will.

Little known fact? Karma is bulls**t. Most people that do dirt NEVER get their comeuppance.

You can feel bad about it for a little while and be happy, or you can whine about how all the good ones are taken and be miserable, but not a cheater.

 

[Godzilla2000]

But if someone's willing to cheat to be with you, don't be surprised if they do the same thing to you when a better model comes along.

I was thinking about the same thing too. If a guy/girl can so easily leave one woman/man what makes us think they won't leave us as well? I do understand though that sometimes you make a mistake and marry the wrong woman/man sometimes, and you realize your mistake just a little too late.

Well, anyways what's on my mind right now concerning my own dating life, well...let's just say that I'm annoyed with this aspect of some guys and that's sending friends to where you work, in my case a very public laundromat, and tooting the horn of the guy that wants to date you. I'm sorry but I'm the sort of girl who just doesn't stand for that sort of thing. If a guy is all that why can't he just come right into the place and show me himself how great he is?

Another thing bothering me are subliminal messages from some guys. I don't know but something just rings very false with that approach to me, almost like they're too embarrassed to be seen with me or they're trying to hide something from someone, like maybe a wife? I'm sorry but the subliminal approach won't work with me as well.

All I really ask for is complete honesty with these guys but they just don't seem to have the ability to just come right up to me and say what needs to be said. Trust me, by now I am just completely open with everything I think say or do. If a married guy likes me, I'm the sort who would like to just have this revelation be made with the wife in my presence, and then I'd tell her and him nothing's going to happen unless they get divorced because I'm looking for more than just a shameful, hidden love affair. That's just how I roll.

With a little thing like love I'm not into the whole denial type deal. You either love me and want to exclusively be with me or you don't. I don't care for indecisiveness. Nor do I care for keeping me in the dark about things I really ought to be told about.

 

[WillardNation]

Haha, and these days the husband or boyfriend isn't usually big and burly like in Archie comics. He's often skinny and hipster.

Speaking of....

Last night I picked up a bouncing gig at this bar; after we closed there were a bunch of employees from this other bar/restaurant chilling, drinking. Apparently, earlier in the night, one of their servers was banging this chick in the bathroom while her husband was sitting at the bar. Not only that, but his seat at the bar was close enough to the bathroom that he could hear them banging. He walked to the bathroom, waited til they were done and when the server walked out, he beat the **** out of him. Appropriate timing for this story considering the current theme of the posts. t:

 

[Anita18]

You shouldn't be surprised but it's not inevitable that they will.

Little known fact? Karma is bulls**t. Most people that do dirt NEVER get their comeuppance.

You can feel bad about it for a little while and be happy, or you can whine about how all the good ones are taken and be miserable, but not a cheater.

I don't believe in karma as a third-party entity either. Most people who are *****ebags usually get what's coming to them of their own volition.

Sure, guys can play the odds and maybe if they try to get with enough taken women, one of them will be unhappy in her relationship anyway and be willing to give up what she already has for something new, but the odds aren't really that good. And with the handwringing over even asking a girl out on a date, the drama is magnified 100-fold when you know there's another man in the picture whom she's schtupping . Let's face it, most guys here don't have that kind of game.