From SHH with Love: The Relationship Thread

[steintym]

True, but there are always workable compromises. Ordinary Star Wars posters might not work, but blown up Star Wars art could be acceptable. Though I love Star Trek and X-Men, I wouldn't want such posters on my walls. Artwork however would be perfectly fine. I no longer have a teen room, I have a home, therein lies the difference.

Yep, my wife and I compromised. All of my movie and sports posters end up hanging in the garage.

I hindsight, I'm glad I didn't put that garbage up in our actual home. It was fun in my bachelor pad, but I like our home decorated like adults live there.


Once the basement gets finished, though ....

 

[amazingfantasy15]

True, but there are always workable compromises. Ordinary Star Wars posters might not work, but blown up Star Wars art could be acceptable. Though I love Star Trek and X-Men, I wouldn't want such posters on my walls. Artwork however would be perfectly fine. I no longer have a teen room, I have a home, therein lies the difference.

Yeah, that's not going to work. I can't imagine any woman wanting her home decorated with Star Wars stuff. Slowly but surely all my stuff is going into the closet in my wife and I's apartment. Once we get a house I'll make sure to get my "man cave", but that's probably one more year away and outside of the Xbox and Wii none of my "decor" will be on display. Which is okay actually.

I have a friend, who when she turned 28, started to tell guys 'Before I even consider sleeping with you I want you to know that I'm looking for a guy who wants the whole package that comes with me. If you get in bed with me you agree to marriage, kids and house and nothing less." She really had that goal in life and was determined to get it. Well, she did, though I often wonder at what cost, since the guy who got on that train is such a cheater.

Well, she's not getting the whole package then and it's probably because of those demands.

 

[Anita18]

I have a friend, who when she turned 28, started to tell guys 'Before I even consider sleeping with you I want you to know that I'm looking for a guy who wants the whole package that comes with me. If you get in bed with me you agree to marriage, kids and house and nothing less." She really had that goal in life and was determined to get it. Well, she did, though I often wonder at what cost, since the guy who got on that train is such a cheater.

Like they say, be careful what you wish for.

Yep, my wife and I compromised. All of my movie and sports posters end up hanging in the garage.

I hindsight, I'm glad I didn't put that garbage up in our actual home. It was fun in my bachelor pad, but I like our home decorated like adults live there.


Once the basement gets finished, though ....

It will be the sweetest basement ever!

 

[Erzengel]

It's been updated....but my basement became the land of misfit stuff.

 

[amazingfantasy15]

The futon is a great touch!

 

[Optimus_Prime_]

I kind of decorated mine but it's all stuff I'd never put in the main house. Well mine's not a basement but rather a converted garage.

 

[RetrogradeOrbit]

I need a room like this... Just mine where I can put all my crap.

 

[Anubis]

It should smell of the 3 F's. Feet, Funk, and Farts. Only then will it truly be a proper Man Cave.

 

[Optimus_Prime_]

It should smell of the 3 F's. Feet, Funk, and Farts. Only then will it truly be a proper Man Cave.

Mine kind of smells like weed actually...makes total sense.

 

[Nave 'Torment']

Well my v-day went really well, I'd say. Maybe she really did a little time to herself to think it through.

And I guess the meaningful/inexpensive gift really paid off -- spent the entire day with her and at the end of which she told me that it didn't matter what her father said, but that she can't really confront him about it right away. I told her it's not as if we're getting married or anything and how she did confess it to them way too early if they're being conservative about it. She agreed. We made out. I felt happy to have her back

Um, yes?

My coworker loved her husband when she married him. She still does, to a point. And he probably loves her. But he doesn't respect her. It's a strange thing. They have completely different ideas as to what she should be doing, because he's far more traditional than she is. He wants her to stay home and take care of the kids. She's gunning for medical school. You see how that is simply incompatible and just not going to work on a basic level, even if both people love each other?

How can you love someone you don't respect? Like you said, it is strange, seems more like a purely physical thing which I admit is important but that alone doesn't define compatibility. I have a friend who just saw her father pass away last month, and her boyfriend is very traditional and doesn't want his future wife to go out to work, they've been having problems for a long time now but ever since the funeral he keeps on pushing about how she isn't there for him anymore. The point is that he isn't either. And she told me how she really doesn't trust him regarding his fidelity, but she keeps hanging on to him because she has just 2 semesters left until her graduation and doesn't want any more drama. I don't get that. Why prolong something if you believe it's not going to work out?

Heck, I even told my girlfriend about it and she's like "definitely" because I told her if that's all she wants out of this then she should just be candid about it. And when she says otherwise, I believe her.

She tells me how I'm the only one who never took the easy way out with her and actually bothered to put in effort, unlike everyone else who just wanted the best out of her with the least amount of effort going in. "I'm going to stop being paranoid about the future and in turn make it into a self-fulfilling prophecy from now on. I want this to happen" she said. I told her I didn't even know what that means anymore, whether if it's "others-fulfilling the prophecy" then and she was all "no we're just not going to let our fears happen... for a change."

What do you make of that?

There are certain "incompatibilities" you can work with. I'm a night owl. My fiance is an early sleeper. That's pretty easy to get around. But one person literally believing the other person SHOULD give up their dreams...that's a huge issue and cannot be solved by love alone.

And obviously if one person no longer loves you and doesn't want to work on nurturing that love, I don't think your "love conquers everything!" mantra works either. That love has to mutually exist for the relationship to have a prayer.

Of course there are those logistical factors regarding compatibility such as the ones you mentioned before this, but these -- the ones that can be worked with -- these are stuff I was concerned with before. Especially the introvert/extrovert thing. And I think I really managed to surprise her on her birthday when I got the entire restaurant to sing her the birthday song. She seemed ecstatic and speechless. Anyway... (I know I keep losing track of what I'm saying here, haha) Where were we? Oh yes -- love as compatibility. No dreams shouldn't have to be compromised, and I'm not even referring to character or nature or anything like that. But important things like trust, compassion, and of course those central beliefs on what a relationship means, those matter, and if your heart is in the right place it's possible to work through the rest. It doesn't necessarily have to be love-conquers-all but if it's mutual then yeah it does sort of make the other decisions easier to make.

I do think there are a lot of unspoken "rules" you have to consider when in a conservative place like Bangladesh. I kind of know what you mean - I was raised to always think about what other people would think of me, because it's very typical for Chinese people. I said "Screw it!" a little while ago and let it all hang out. I think people only like me because I'm honestly nice and earnest, even if I'm a bit in-your-face now in class.

But seriously dude, let goooo of that whole educational identity stuff. It's not helping you. It'll always make you feel inferior.

Yes. I know exactly what you mean. But. I still have some way to go with my educational-identity to be solidified. I'm still a student and I can work on it. I was homeschooled when I was younger, that always left a mark because when I started High School the pressure was immense and I always felt that I was at a disadvantage from the rest. But I did good for myself. I overcame that. I can do that again after college. Godwilling.

It seems to me that her relationship with her parents is the biggest thing, and her own insecurities as well as your own. THOSE are relationship killers. Not plain old introvertedness or social awkwardness.[QUOTE/]

Well regarding what has happened since last week -- what'd you say to that? I know I'm still being careful and reserved and not so needy, but I think she's genuinely in want of doing this right.

This is the first real relationship we've both been in. Everything else before were psuedo-relationships or crushes or just unfinished affairs that broke apart.

That only shows how insecure you are as well. Neediness is a novelty, but lemme tell you, it gets old REALLY fast. Especially when you have all this other stuff happening to you out in the real world.

Okay. And what about being flirty? Is that a novelty that gets old fast as well? Or does the more sexually-fueled smooth-talkers endowed with a silver-tongue and Loki's wit always get the girl?

Having principles I think is different from being judgmental. I have strong principles, but I hold myself to them. Not anyone else.

Hmm. I'd like to believe I do the same, though in the past month or so, talking about it so much just made me realize how I've always measured others as well. My point is that the whole "oh don't judge me coz you don't know me" angle was cute when you're 15 but at 21 your actions do define who you are, irrespective of your intentions, and those actions do allow others to make an informed judgement of your character.

In other words, yes, I'm still paying attention to Chris Nolan.

That's hilarious, because I don't have ANY female friends like that. But yes, if you want a "hot girl," of course they'll like make up and flirting. I hang with a geeky crowd. There are plenty of geek girls out there, they're mostly quiet and don't flaunt their "boys must love me!" hotness out on everybody.

It's paradoxical -- I have female friends exactly like that and at the same time they're traditionally what you'd call "geek girls."

I still feel like I need to be "fun" in the alpha-male sort of way But the more I think of it, look I'm not going to be the best in everything or as outgoing as others are, might as well try it out and if some things don't work out I'll just be my own self. That's the best I can do. And the things I am good at? I'll devote more hours to maxing them out. That's what college is right? Finding your own focus out of all the chaos? So I'm not as socially outspoken and sharp-tongued as the rest of them, so what?? I'm me. That's good enough.

 

[Nave 'Torment']

Yeah, that's not going to work. I can't imagine any woman wanting her home decorated with Star Wars stuff. Slowly but surely all my stuff is going into the closet in my wife and I's apartment. Once we get a house I'll make sure to get my "man cave", but that's probably one more year away and outside of the Xbox and Wii none of my "decor" will be on display. Which is okay actually.[QUOTE/]

Most of my comics-stuff hanging in my room are my own paintings or lampshades that I carved myself. I don't see how that'd be a problem in a grown-up home/office. But I guess I get to enjoy my own room for a few more years tops

Well, she's not getting the whole package then and it's probably because of those demands.

Well if you're 28, being upfront about it is at least a good approach in theory. But it seems that in being too objective she failed to see if the man was worth Thor's hammer or not.

Empathy seems to be a trait that's rather difficult to master. And it's unfortunate that most manage to feign it anyway.

 

[Optimus_Prime_]

How can you love someone you don't respect?

Well, I have family members I don't respect, because of how they act, but I still love them, or at least feel as though I have to pick up the slack for them. I may be a bit cornered into that situation, but I would say it's a possibility to do both.

 

[Nave 'Torment']

The Han Solo, Captain America and Sentinel/Colossus displays make it win.

 

[Nave 'Torment']

Well, I have family members I don't respect, because of how they act, but I still love them, or at least feel as though I have to pick up the slack for them. I may be a bit cornered into that situation, but I would say it's a possibility to do both.

But that's because you're stuck with them. With your partners you still have a choice. Why love someone you don't respect? At the same time, regarding family, you may not be approving their actions but you would still treat them as people for whom you would pick up the slacks -- that's respect.

 

[Optimus_Prime_]

But that's because you're stuck with them. With your partners you still have a choice. Why love someone you don't respect? At the same time, regarding family, you may not be approving their actions but you would still treat them as people for whom you would pick up the slacks -- that's respect.

Not always. Being your age, or whatever, your situation as best I can read it, yes, there is a ton of freedom for you to just "walk away". Throw in things like a house, a car, a dog, a marriage, and children! Then it's going to be different. There's a certain point when staying together for the kids becomes an issue, but breaking up becomes a much bigger decision the further down the line you are.

 

[Erzengel]

I make the joke that being "financially" connected to someone is more binding then marriage these days.

 

[Optimus_Prime_]

I make the joke that being "financially" connected to someone is more binding then marriage these days.

Frequently those two things go hand in hand. I think some people get married for basically what amounts to financial reasons.

 

[steintym]

I know a few couples trying to make their relationships work, but would probably get a divorce if not for financial hurdles. Not the best reason to stick it out, but it is definitely a consideration.

 

[Nave 'Torment']

Not always. Being your age, or whatever, your situation as best I can read it, yes, there is a ton of freedom for you to just "walk away". Throw in things like a house, a car, a dog, a marriage, and children! Then it's going to be different. There's a certain point when staying together for the kids becomes an issue, but breaking up becomes a much bigger decision the further down the line you are.

Of course, but that's why marriage is such an important decision, or a house or any of those other things. You don't just go into them with people you don't respect (or stopped respecting but still love). With those you still become "family" and since you're still willing to put up with them, does go back to the idea that you respect them in some capacity. When you don't, when you stop caring, that's why people get separated. Not saying it's easy.

I make the joke that being "financially" connected to someone is more binding then marriage these days.

In the olden days, that was still the case.

 

[Anita18]

How can you love someone you don't respect? Like you said, it is strange, seems more like a purely physical thing which I admit is important but that alone doesn't define compatibility.

I can think of one reasonably logical explanation: When you believe you know what's better for the other person.

They are both extremely religious, which is probably not a surprise. The God-fearing kind that believes they will go to hell if they do bad things. He's more traditional, and he believes that if she stays at home, she will be fulfilling her roles of marriage better and thus be a better Christian than if she goes out and studies and works.

In his mind, he's helping her be a better person. (Well, verbal abuse aside.) Even though it's obvious that she wants different. No one else I know has the kind of schedule she does - she's been functioning on 5 hours of sleep every night for the past decade and now add MCAT-studying to the mix! She wants it so badly.

I think you see this much more often in the form of helicopter parents, but I don't doubt that there are a lot of marriages that are still like this.

She tells me how I'm the only one who never took the easy way out with her and actually bothered to put in effort, unlike everyone else who just wanted the best out of her with the least amount of effort going in. "I'm going to stop being paranoid about the future and in turn make it into a self-fulfilling prophecy from now on. I want this to happen" she said. I told her I didn't even know what that means anymore, whether if it's "others-fulfilling the prophecy" then and she was all "no we're just not going to let our fears happen... for a change."

What do you make of that?

Sounds like she's insecure but is aware of that. You have to decide whether you want to go on this journey with her. I won't lie - it'll be REALLY hard. Both my ex-bf and I were extremely insecure when we were together, and it seemed like we were both bringing each other down, even when no negative words were exchanged. When both people are insecure, it tends to ooze out into the relationship too. It's a LOT easier with my fiancé, since he's more self-assured and I'm older and more self-assured too.

You also have to be aware that it's very very likely her parents will never be on board with you. It'll get easier when you're both out of school and hopefully she moves out (dunno how this works in Bangladesh), but yeah. It'll always be something that will challenge your relationship. You just have to accept it and not expect to change it. If it happens, great. If it doesn't, it's not your fault.

Anyway... (I know I keep losing track of what I'm saying here, haha) Where were we? Oh yes -- love as compatibility. No dreams shouldn't have to be compromised, and I'm not even referring to character or nature or anything like that. But important things like trust, compassion, and of course those central beliefs on what a relationship means, those matter, and if your heart is in the right place it's possible to work through the rest. It doesn't necessarily have to be love-conquers-all but if it's mutual then yeah it does sort of make the other decisions easier to make.

Indeed it does.

Okay. And what about being flirty? Is that a novelty that gets old fast as well? Or does the more sexually-fueled smooth-talkers endowed with a silver-tongue and Loki's wit always get the girl?

Depends on the girl. Guys who try too hard at being flirty usually make me . Seems like they're trying too hard. Same with the neediness. I liked it with my ex, but that's because again, I was insecure. My fiancé was never needy, and it feels nice too. And sometimes he's flirty, but it's not all the time and I like it that way. Really depends on the person.

Hmm. I'd like to believe I do the same, though in the past month or so, talking about it so much just made me realize how I've always measured others as well. My point is that the whole "oh don't judge me coz you don't know me" angle was cute when you're 15 but at 21 your actions do define who you are, irrespective of your intentions, and those actions do allow others to make an informed judgement of your character.

In other words, yes, I'm still paying attention to Chris Nolan.

They do, but the thing is, you really don't know what else is going on in another person's life. That's why I feel I'm never in a position to judge anyone.

I know several people who are severely ill, but don't look disabled. One even possesses a handicapped placard, but isn't on crutches or in a wheelchair. She has cystic fibrosis and has had a double lung transplant.

Just because someone looks all right doesn't mean that they are. Not only physically, but emotionally too.

I still feel like I need to be "fun" in the alpha-male sort of way But the more I think of it, look I'm not going to be the best in everything or as outgoing as others are, might as well try it out and if some things don't work out I'll just be my own self. That's the best I can do. And the things I am good at? I'll devote more hours to maxing them out. That's what college is right? Finding your own focus out of all the chaos? So I'm not as socially outspoken and sharp-tongued as the rest of them, so what?? I'm me. That's good enough.

Yup.

 

[Nave 'Torment']

I can think of one reasonably logical explanation: When you believe you know what's better for the other person.

In other words, when you're being condescending. That's not respect, and it isn't love either because you're not empathic enough to understand why the other person is doing what he or she is doing.

They are both extremely religious, which is probably not a surprise. The God-fearing kind that believes they will go to hell if they do bad things. He's more traditional, and he believes that if she stays at home, she will be fulfilling her roles of marriage better and thus be a better Christian than if she goes out and studies and works.

In his mind, he's helping her be a better person. (Well, verbal abuse aside.) Even though it's obvious that she wants different. No one else I know has the kind of schedule she does - she's been functioning on 5 hours of sleep every night for the past decade and now add MCAT-studying to the mix! She wants it so badly.

Yes. In his mind. No one is guilty in one's own mind. Unless you're Batman.

Sounds like she's insecure but is aware of that. You have to decide whether you want to go on this journey with her. I won't lie - it'll be REALLY hard.

You also have to be aware that it's very very likely her parents will never be on board with you. It'll get easier when you're both out of school and hopefully she moves out (dunno how this works in Bangladesh), but yeah. It'll always be something that will challenge your relationship. You just have to accept it and not expect to change it. If it happens, great. If it doesn't, it's not your fault.

Hmm. I have to take that chance. As long as she still cares I have to take that chance. "Relationships aren't meant to be easy." I remember Erz telling me that a good few threads back.

Chances are I'll be leaving Bangladesh after a year and she'll be staying for a few before joining me abroad. Whatever the case is, I think it's very early to be talking about marriage and all that. No one seems to agree with that. We've only just began going out and figuring ourselves out. Why jump into those kind of conclusions right away? Do I want this to be serious? Yes. Does she? Even more so. But is it serious yet? That needs time to be decided.

What is so wrong with that??

Both my ex-bf and I were extremely insecure when we were together, and it seemed like we were both bringing each other down, even when no negative words were exchanged. When both people are insecure, it tends to ooze out into the relationship too. It's a LOT easier with my fiancé, since he's more self-assured and I'm older and more self-assured too.

It's sad that most of this seems so much like your experiences with your ex. maybe we could learn from it and make sure the same mistakes aren't repeated?

Tell me more about what you mean by "self-assured" ? Assured in terms of what exactly?

Depends on the girl. Guys who try too hard at being flirty usually make me . Seems like they're trying too hard. Same with the neediness. I liked it with my ex, but that's because again, I was insecure. My fiancé was never needy, and it feels nice too. And sometimes he's flirty, but it's not all the time and I like it that way. Really depends on the person.

I guess then this goes back to my just being me part. I have to be okay with it. I need to learn to be okay with just being me. I'll start with correcting some of the things I dislike about myself and setting them straight.

They do, but the thing is, you really don't know what else is going on in another person's life. That's why I feel I'm never in a position to judge anyone.

I know several people who are severely ill, but don't look disabled. One even possesses a handicapped placard, but isn't on crutches or in a wheelchair. She has cystic fibrosis and has had a double lung transplant.

Just because someone looks all right doesn't mean that they are. Not only physically, but emotionally too.

Perhaps so. But I'm just sick and tired of hearing people pull the "oh don't judge me coz you don't know me. I may be doing something wrong and unethical according to you but I have a valid reason for it." No son, you don't. You're a messed up wreck who's hiding behind your own ego. Grow up. It's not everyone else's fault -- it's yours. ... is what I'd say to them. But of course, by making an informed judgement. The word itself is harsh. Perhaps "understanding" if it had a condescending connotation

 

[moviedoors]

As I so awkwardly stated in the Singles Valentines thread, my wife recently made the last step to leaving me. A week ago, she told me she had started to see someone else. Just about two months ago, she kicked me out of the house (we lived with her parents). I thought that we going to try and start over, mostly because that's what I remember her telling me. We would date like a fresh couple. We would rediscover the passion. Well she'd been difficult to meet with. She is busy. Training to be an EMT. I wanted to give her space. Then I find out she somehow managed to find the time to meet someone else, go to the movies, and make it "a thing" before breaking the news to me. She told me they hadn't had sex yet, but her telling me she was seeing someone else, in my mind, was code for "now that I've told you, we're going to **** each other's brains out." I think of that line from High Fidelity. Allow me to paraphrase: "No one is having better sex than they are having in my head."

She left me because I'm depressed and she thinks she doesn't make me happy. I think that's generous of her. She really means "you're too depressed to support me the way I need you too." And it's true I've been depressed (undiagnosed) for at least a couple of years now. She's wrong if she thinks she doesn't think she makes me happy. She was the last grip I'd been holding on to after all the disappointments we've both been thru.

But it's true. I thought I'd been doing my best but I think it is reality: I've been so wrapped up in my own misery for so long that she couldn't stand me bringing her down anymore. Of course now that I have the thought of her not being an integral part of my life until the day I die, and, now that I have the thought of her being with another man, my depression has hit an all time low. I have never in my entire life felt so low. I think I've damaged things too much to ever repair them with her, and how the **** am I supposed to compete with the chemical rush of a new lover? But I just want her back. I'm made an appointment with my psychiatrist, whom I've been seeing for my ADD for nearly 20 years, and I'm hoping I can get on some depression medications. The ex wants to see me get better, but I think I'm hopeless without meds. I've gone as far as I can go on my own. My brain doesn't work right. It just ****ing kills me that I'm only addressing my mental health after I ruined the best thing that's ever happened to me.

I don't know what kind of advice I'm seeking here. Honestly, I think I might have just needed to type that out. Believe me, it kills me to be typing out a sob story into a relationship thread on a superhero message board, but I just had to do it.

 

[Nave 'Torment']

I don't have the experience nor the wisdom to say anything about something as complex as your case mate but...

Regarding depression...

It's gonna hurt. What you can do is stop focusing on the details for a change, and stop analyzing things. If she'd been going out with someone else then that clearly shows that it wasn't just your fault. As your wife she should've helped you out instead of saying that. And "we didn't have sex yet" doesn't really make a difference now does it? Chemical rushes. All that. B.S.

If she wants to end things that's her loss. There are good things in you, good enough for even someone like her. Focus on building on those. If you have ADD then you already see your goal: control it. Make it better. Then focus on your self, not on what happened.

If she left you then she wasn't the best thing that ever happened to you. You fighting out of this depression would be the best thing that ever happens to you (at the moment).

 

[moviedoors]

I don't have the experience nor the wisdom to say anything about something as complex as your case mate but...

Regarding depression...

It's gonna hurt. What you can do is stop focusing on the details for a change, and stop analyzing things. If she'd been going out with someone else then that clearly shows that it wasn't just your fault. As your wife she should've helped you out instead of saying that. And "we didn't have sex yet" doesn't really make a difference now does it? Chemical rushes. All that. B.S.

If she wants to end things that's her loss. There are good things in you, good enough for even someone like her. Focus on building on those. If you have ADD then you already see your goal: control it. Make it better. Then focus on your self, not on what happened.

If she left you then she wasn't the best thing that ever happened to you. You fighting out of this depression would be the best thing that ever happens to you (at the moment).

I hear you. Intellectually I know I should move on to spare myself any more heartbreak. This is just so fresh that I'm waring between what is probably what's best for me and what I want right now, and I what I want right now is another chance. It's just so ****ing hard. I genuinely do love her. I never would've made her my wife if I didn't. I dread the months ahead of having learning to live without her. What's happened has changed everything. Always in the back of my mind, I knew we'd be together, and I never prepared for having to deal with that not being true anymore. I never thought I'd have to live with is. It literally changes how I pictured my life going. At least this is forcing me to deal with **** I should've confronted head on many years ago. I'm just so low right now.

 

[Anita18]

In other words, when you're being condescending. That's not respect, and it isn't love either because you're not empathic enough to understand why the other person is doing what he or she is doing.

Love means different things to different people. I think that love in general, no matter what the relationship is like, involves wanting the best for the other person. How that manifests depends on the relationship, whether parent/child, friend/friend, husband/wife, whatever.

But a healthy relationship involves a lot of empathy, yes.

Hmm. I have to take that chance. As long as she still cares I have to take that chance. "Relationships aren't meant to be easy." I remember Erz telling me that a good few threads back.

Well, relationships are never smooth sailing because you have this other person with their own needs and wants. But why make it harder than you have to?

Chances are I'll be leaving Bangladesh after a year and she'll be staying for a few before joining me abroad. Whatever the case is, I think it's very early to be talking about marriage and all that. No one seems to agree with that. We've only just began going out and figuring ourselves out. Why jump into those kind of conclusions right away? Do I want this to be serious? Yes. Does she? Even more so. But is it serious yet? That needs time to be decided.

What is so wrong with that??

If you want it to be serious, then it IS serious. I don't think you need to be shacking up or planning marriage to be a serious couple. Being a serious couple means that you want to stick it out together long-term.

It's sad that most of this seems so much like your experiences with your ex. maybe we could learn from it and make sure the same mistakes aren't repeated?

Tell me more about what you mean by "self-assured" ? Assured in terms of what exactly?

We were mostly figuring out our social tendencies - I needed to accept I was an introvert, and he needed to accept he was an extrovert with social anxiety. That's what I mean about self-assured. You just need to accept who you are and believe that's A-OK. That if I want to go out by myself because I know he won't enjoy the experience, it doesn't make him a bad partner.

Even when you're together and "serious", when you're insecure you can still worry about the other person wanting to leave you or thinking they'll find someone "better." This is the part I'm most concerned about for you, because of your educational inferiority complex. What if she meets someone at work who's an Ivy League grad and makes a lot of money? What if he's Mr. Perfect on paper and you know her parents would love him? Do you KNOW that she'd stick by you? You can't "think" or "hope" or "believe." You have to know that she'd reject any possible advances by him and choose you instead.

I worried about that a lot in my first relationship, because it was my first relationship and I knew I wasn't his "first choice" or even "his type." Oh yeah, I worried about that once! When you see his now-wife, it's obvious...I'm still befuddled how he found me attractive at all in the first place! She is physically the very opposite of me. I think part of my insecurity was fixed by finding someone who likes me for my own assets, as it were.

We also just weren't that compatible in terms of lifestyle. Status was really important to him and he liked showing off and have a jet-set lifestyle (although I think that was also part of him overcompensating for his insecurity then), whereas I don't like calling attention to myself. He also spent a few years after college living out of a suitcase, flying all over the place for his job. That would not work for me at all. I'm a homebody. I'm sure a very understanding couple could make it work, but it would be extremely difficult.

And you wouldn't really know if you'd be compatible without getting to know her better and spending much more time with her.

Perhaps so. But I'm just sick and tired of hearing people pull the "oh don't judge me coz you don't know me. I may be doing something wrong and unethical according to you but I have a valid reason for it." No son, you don't. You're a messed up wreck who's hiding behind your own ego. Grow up. It's not everyone else's fault -- it's yours. ... is what I'd say to them. But of course, by making an informed judgement. The word itself is harsh. Perhaps "understanding" if it had a condescending connotation

Huh, nobody's ever said that to me. I listen to people's troubles and then offer options and pep talks. Making people feel empowered makes them a lot more agreeable than making them feel judged.

As I so awkwardly stated in the Singles Valentines thread, my wife recently made the last step to leaving me. A week ago, she told me she had started to see someone else. Just about two months ago, she kicked me out of the house (we lived with her parents). I thought that we going to try and start over, mostly because that's what I remember her telling me. We would date like a fresh couple. We would rediscover the passion. Well she'd been difficult to meet with. She is busy. Training to be an EMT. I wanted to give her space. Then I find out she somehow managed to find the time to meet someone else, go to the movies, and make it "a thing" before breaking the news to me. She told me they hadn't had sex yet, but her telling me she was seeing someone else, in my mind, was code for "now that I've told you, we're going to **** each other's brains out." I think of that line from High Fidelity. Allow me to paraphrase: "No one is having better sex than they are having in my head."

She left me because I'm depressed and she thinks she doesn't make me happy. I think that's generous of her. She really means "you're too depressed to support me the way I need you too." And it's true I've been depressed (undiagnosed) for at least a couple of years now. She's wrong if she thinks she doesn't think she makes me happy. She was the last grip I'd been holding on to after all the disappointments we've both been thru.

But it's true. I thought I'd been doing my best but I think it is reality: I've been so wrapped up in my own misery for so long that she couldn't stand me bringing her down anymore. Of course now that I have the thought of her not being an integral part of my life until the day I die, and, now that I have the thought of her being with another man, my depression has hit an all time low. I have never in my entire life felt so low. I think I've damaged things too much to ever repair them with her, and how the **** am I supposed to compete with the chemical rush of a new lover? But I just want her back. I'm made an appointment with my psychiatrist, whom I've been seeing for my ADD for nearly 20 years, and I'm hoping I can get on some depression medications. The ex wants to see me get better, but I think I'm hopeless without meds. I've gone as far as I can go on my own. My brain doesn't work right. It just ****ing kills me that I'm only addressing my mental health after I ruined the best thing that's ever happened to me.

I don't know what kind of advice I'm seeking here. Honestly, I think I might have just needed to type that out. Believe me, it kills me to be typing out a sob story into a relationship thread on a superhero message board, but I just had to do it.

Depression can be extremely self-centered, but it's not your fault. You don't mean to. It's just the way the disease works.

At the same time, I don't think you can blame your relationship troubles just on your depression. It's hard being with someone with depression, yes, but if they've already checked out, it's just another reason. If she wanted to stick it out with you, she would have. But she chose not to. It's unfortunate, and the way she went about it is dishonest, but it is what it is.

I hope you get the help you need and that things start looking up. Relying on meds is not a bad thing. If you need it, you need it. You have to take care of yourself first.