Raiders of the Official Relationship Thread

[bullets]

You marry her.

 

[SpideyVille]

So I found what might seem to be a really good match, at least in terms of interesting me with both pics and personality, but she lives 14 miles away from me, which isn't really far, but is hard since neither of us have a car. I guess this is a reminder of why I should probably start working towards getting my driver's license.

 

[SuperSoldier985]

So I found what might seem to be a really good match, at least in terms of interesting me with both pics and personality, but she lives 14 miles away from me, which isn't really far, but is hard since neither of us have a car. I guess this is a reminder of why I should probably start working towards getting my driver's license.

Jeez, what are you, like 15?

 

[SuperSoldier985]

I had the same problem and my doctor put me on that drug Abilify. It works great for depression, but the downside is it shut off my mind for the most part. That's why I don't write anymore let alone post much on message boards as often as I used to. It's like my creativity and imagination died. So I'm basically getting off the damn drug and I've been working out lately which definitely helps with depression since exercising releases endorphins.

Not sure if you work out at all, but if you don't give it a try it can help big time. At least the depression I had were I was getting depressed for no reason and it would hit at random times.

Since June I've been working out about 4-6 times a week. I don't think I've lost a pound (I guess because my metabolism is super slow and I still love pizza), but I have been feeling slightly better--but that feeling doesn't always last for very long which is another sign of chronic depression.

 

[Hound55]

what if the girl likes the Pats?

You arrange for an exorcism...

 

[hopefuldreamer]

Since June I've been working out about 4-6 times a week. I don't think I've lost a pound (I guess because my metabolism is super slow and I still love pizza), but I have been feeling slightly better--but that feeling doesn't always last for very long which is another sign of chronic depression.

Trust me, if it starts to get bad, there will be no doubt in your mind.

There is a huge difference between being depressed a lot of the time and having full blown depression.

Not that I'm saying being depressed a lot of the time isn't horrible.

I used to be a very depressed person growing up, and I have Chronic Fatigue Syndrome which is often linked to depression, but I accepted it was just who I was.

Plus, I hate prescription drugs. I have a tonne of friends on them, and I see how much they screw up people's lives permanantely. I couldn't understand why doctors prescribe them, why people continue to take them.

But I didn't understand what depression really felt like. Because when your really depressed, there is really no other option to you.

I've only been there once. Had a breakdown about a year and a half ago. I was in a very bad way and went to the doctors who referred me to a psychiatrist. He continued to insist that I needed to take anti depressants and that it was no different than putting a cast on a broken leg.

But I was lucky. It's complicated to explain how, but a few things snapped me out of my breakdown and I've been fine ever since.

Most people don't have that, and drugs are literally the only choice other than death to stop from hurting.

But personally I wouldn't suggest going down that route unless you absolutely have to.

There are other things you can try. Councilling, hypnotism, cognitive behaviour therapy, meditation. Or even simple things like giving yourself goals to achieve, or focusing more on the things that make you happy.

 

[Erzengel]

So I found what might seem to be a really good match, at least in terms of interesting me with both pics and personality, but she lives 14 miles away from me, which isn't really far, but is hard since neither of us have a car. I guess this is a reminder of why I should probably start working towards getting my driver's license.

Is this 14 city miles? Can't you just take a subway?

 

[Nave 'Torment']

Um, who ever said clicking was one-sided? There has to be mutual clickage!

Exactly. It's very easy to take say, one of your friends and envision her as your perfect woman. But you won't know unless you start to date her and become more intimate in your everyday lives.

my apologies, i must have mistook 'clicking' with 'being attracted to' i guess they only go together in the very first step, but not subsequently, if tht makes any sense.

the problem with envisioning the 'ideal' person is that no matter what you do you're not being fair with the person's individuality. thats why knowing them, at least on an emotional level, becomes so important.

No, I'm not saying it is, but this is a perspective you've developed being around your friends. None of your friends who have known you will find any of your interests their aware of strange. Me and my friend Ross can talk comics and Aquaman all day long until we're blue in the face. We happen to share these interests, and his friends and I have all known each other long enough that all of our little idiotic interests don't phase anyone.

So it isn't strange, and no one says it's strange except those who find it strange.

i get what you mean, and yes there is nothing wrong with having strange interests at all -- if your friends end to share your interest then yes you can have those conversations until you 'turn blue', and in a way those things are unique to you (or between you). I dont expect anyone to react in the same way, but there are things, such as say your love of comics, when you have that you can talk about it and you can share that love with those around you. i just dont see people being that reserved or antithetic towards them. its not like you're sharing your passion for collecting rotting body parts.

It won't upset girls. It will alienate them. "Do I really have to hear him talk about ancient mythology...again". These interests are great, no one is saying they aren't, but with women you need to save them for when people ask you about them. You need to keep your conversations in the moment. Keep your conversations about you and the girl you're with, and what's going on around you. When you go up and talk to a girl, or rather before you do, observe her and what's going on around her at that moment and lead with that. When she asks you about things that you like, that's when you can give little snippits about yourself.

i agree completely, but it's not just girls here... it's everyone to be honest, especially if it's just someone you happen to meet. as for women in particular, i think it goes back to the kind of person you're talking to. and in that regard, yeah you cant just shoe-horn your entire personality, blunders and crazies and all, in one titanic vomit. I think it boils down to just having a true conversation. i dunno, i think its possible, especially with women.

One of the major issue I see nerds/geeks have, is they really think people want tons of details. Just hit the high points. That way if she's interested she can follow up later OR if she isn't, she doesn't feel like she's dating a guy who is all about ancient mythology. Unless she shares your unyielding passion for mythology (which she probably won't) your interest will just serve as a turn off.

well, for nerds/geeks such as myself i can honestly say that pop-cultural topics are actually tremendously helpful conversation starters. unless, yknow, you start ranting. that's a turnoff in any conversation. i guess i've just had more luck in getting people to agree with 'strangeness'. but i dunno, maybe that's where im wrong and it's this INHERENT quality in me that's putting girls off? i'll get back to that.

This is very true. One should never get in a relationship because they are just lonely.

For that I suggest a lot of self esteem work, learning some skills with women so that when it comes to a relationship he has options, and is with someone because he wants her with him, for who she is and how much she values him.

When a guy is lonely he will do a lot of things that seem desperate and that sabotages his chances, its can be a self re-enforcing behavior, that needs to be broken before getting knee deep in a relationship.

If you take a look at guys who jumped into relationships because they were lonley, you will find a lot of angry bitter guys who would be better of celibate.

When you look at guys who made themselves who they wanted to be first, sure enough they have option, and they chose a girl who does them right.

i think i can relate to what you're saying here. getting into a relationship because you're lonely is extremely one-sided and at the same time deceptive to yourself. that's what i mean by having an emotional character - there are introverted people who really are more used to being in solitude, and then there is LONELINESS. The latter is understandably more negative and immediately harmful. but how do you reconcile the fact that a) you're a guy who's already confident in what you want out of life and on the path to being 'made', and b) also having this utter bad luck in finding the right girl to be with? In most cases, at least with me, the two are actually mutually exclusive right? each helps in a different kind of personal growth.

There's a funny video of a guy ranting about not getting responses on POF called "plenty of fish rant grrrrrrrrrr!!!". What's funny is that he seems to be putting no effort into making himself more appealing. I don't think you have to change who you are but you should at least make an effort not to look like a bum .

that reminds me of Joseph-Gordon Levitt's character from 500 Days of Summer I havent seen the movie yet but from what i hear he's a good example of this idealistic dude who's looking for hte 'right person' and has no idea of compromise. we can't be that. guys or girls.

 

[LOBO3315a]

Its ok to live in a van , unless you living in a van down by the river.




Hey buddy , next time you make a video blog at least try to cover the belly fat . I applaud the decision to have Joe Bob Briggs do the interview though.

See I heard a lot of women like a 6-pack on a guy. So I figured I'd go one better and show them I have a keg....

 

[twylight]

and it goes far beyond "not getting a girl"....I don't like leaving the house, I don't like getting up for work, I don't like talking to people, I have trouble sleeping, I avoid family members,..etc.

I sense a Doctor's visit in your future.

 

[bullets]

So I found what might seem to be a really good match, at least in terms of interesting me with both pics and personality, but she lives 14 miles away from me, which isn't really far, but is hard since neither of us have a car. I guess this is a reminder of why I should probably start working towards getting my driver's license.

Yeah that's not too bad. I used to live in Germany without a license the first year and met a girl who lived 30-40 miles away. Things moved kind of fast though because within a month I was spending nights and weekends. Also if I didn't make it back by a certain time on Sunday the bus wouldn't run near the base and I'd have to hail a cab.

that reminds me of Joseph-Gordon Levitt's character from 500 Days of Summer I haven't seen the movie yet but from what i hear he's a good example of this idealistic dude who's looking for the 'right person' and has no idea of compromise. we can't be that. guys or girls.

Speaking of which , I really like that movie.

 

[SuperMike335!!]

i think i can relate to what you're saying here. getting into a relationship because you're lonely is extremely one-sided and at the same time deceptive to yourself. that's what i mean by having an emotional character - there are introverted people who really are more used to being in solitude, and then there is LONELINESS. The latter is understandably more negative and immediately harmful. but how do you reconcile the fact that a) you're a guy who's already confident in what you want out of life and on the path to being 'made', and b) also having this utter bad luck in finding the right girl to be with? In most cases, at least with me, the two are actually mutually exclusive right? each helps in a different kind of personal growth.

Well, some guys just do not naturally have any "game". By that I do NOT mean "playing games", the term more applies to dealing with women, and even other social situations involving men as well.

For your purposes, if you really are doing well in other areas, then its more in line with the classic example of a guy who is a leader of men, yet falls apart when dealing with women.

I want you to google "game" with an open mind. Look up the techniques of PUA. There are guys who have broken down female behavioral patterns into a real science. You will not find any peer reviewed research as it is not at all PC, which is a no-no on university campus where the religion is Political Correctness. Although now some research is coming out confirming the evidence by accident.

I’m NOT saying to become a PUA, but rather adopt some of the techniques called game, and they will become habit forming, as the behavior is self-reinforcing. Your goal is not to take on all of it and rack up giant numbers of sexual partners (trust me, not the best idea), but rather it will allow you to look at a pattern of bad behaviors that have caused involuntary celibacy, and then you can break those habits and replace them with better ones.

One of my favorite sites is the chateau heartiste. When at first you start reading it, lots of it sounds crazy, some stuff will anger you, some will enlighten you. Major mixed bag, but put your ego aside when you read it, as lots of guys have to slap their forehead when they find out the mistakes they have made.

On the side scroller go to the "categories", you can look up everything from relationships to Alpha male and Beta male etc...

This is the taboo information, stuff that gets the label BAD and WRONG from all the major main stream dating advice (sabotage) columns, this is where all the feel good lies die, and truth no matter how bitter and reveal of hidden human nature are exposed, it is the Dark Side: http://heartiste.wordpress.com/

 

[Erzengel]

Not saying that some of these techniques don't work but remember women have access to these sites too, so I'd think twice before wearing an outrageous shirt, or a wig as a pick up tactic.

 

[SuperMike335!!]

Not saying that some of these techniques don't work but remember women have access to these sites too, so I'd think twice before wearing an outrageous shirt, or a wig as a pick up tactic.

Just because some advice sounds silly, don't be dismissive of all of it.

I have not found any articles on the site I linked to telling guys to peackock themselves, I've never resorted to it.

I only know of one famous PAU that does that and I honestly wonder if he succeeds in spite of it, rather than because of it.

That is again why I say use what will work for you, and most importantly break bad habbits.

 

[Erzengel]

I'm not being dismissive of all of it. I know some of the advice works.

I also agree with using what will work for you. Just to make sure that these aren't safeguarded secrets and that you may be called on it and I'm sure some of the less experienced people might actually get flustered.

 

[Frodo]

Well I can't say what wodid for everyone else but for Mr its been confidence, self awareness, humor, and understanding women. Kinda a simplified explanation but there of is.

 

[Anita18]

Trust me, if it starts to get bad, there will be no doubt in your mind.

There is a huge difference between being depressed a lot of the time and having full blown depression.

Not that I'm saying being depressed a lot of the time isn't horrible.

I used to be a very depressed person growing up, and I have Chronic Fatigue Syndrome which is often linked to depression, but I accepted it was just who I was.

Plus, I hate prescription drugs. I have a tonne of friends on them, and I see how much they screw up people's lives permanantely. I couldn't understand why doctors prescribe them, why people continue to take them.

But I didn't understand what depression really felt like. Because when your really depressed, there is really no other option to you.

I've only been there once. Had a breakdown about a year and a half ago. I was in a very bad way and went to the doctors who referred me to a psychiatrist. He continued to insist that I needed to take anti depressants and that it was no different than putting a cast on a broken leg.

But I was lucky. It's complicated to explain how, but a few things snapped me out of my breakdown and I've been fine ever since.

Most people don't have that, and drugs are literally the only choice other than death to stop from hurting.

But personally I wouldn't suggest going down that route unless you absolutely have to.

There are other things you can try. Councilling, hypnotism, cognitive behaviour therapy, meditation. Or even simple things like giving yourself goals to achieve, or focusing more on the things that make you happy.

Yeah, I don't like drugs either but when they're the last resort....well they were invented for a reason!

If you really want a downer of a depression story, read Rolling Stone's piece on David Foster Wallace. They've taken the entire thing down from their site, but the archive is here: http://web.archive.org/web/20081209...ears__last_days_of_david_foster_wallace/print

No idea why they took it down. People need to read that. It's devastating. I had no idea it could be that hard for people with severe depression to find help.

For the TL;DR crowd basically, he tried to wean himself off of the last-resort antidepressant he'd been on with the help of doctors. (It is serious stuff - you can't eat certain things, you have to watch your blood pressure since there's a serious risk of heart attacks when you're on it.) It didn't work, so they went back to his old drugs. IT DIDN'T WORK ANYMORE. His brain chemistry had changed. They tried everything, but nothing worked. He eventually hanged himself in his home, where his wife found him.

that reminds me of Joseph-Gordon Levitt's character from 500 Days of Summer I havent seen the movie yet but from what i hear he's a good example of this idealistic dude who's looking for hte 'right person' and has no idea of compromise. we can't be that. guys or girls.

That movie was cute but ultimately I didn't like it all that much. I only really like movies where the main character actually learns something. He didn't.

Not saying that some of these techniques don't work but remember women have access to these sites too, so I'd think twice before wearing an outrageous shirt, or a wig as a pick up tactic.

It's not just that - intelligent women can see through that stuff as well even without having read all those PUA tips.

 

[Erzengel]

Even intelligent women can be naive in a social setting.

 

[Anita18]

Even intelligent women can be naive in a social setting.

I imagine it would depend on the social setting.

 

[SuperMike335!!]

That movie was cute but ultimately I didn't like it all that much. I only really like movies where the main character actually learns something. He didn't.

We are not talking about the movie with the creepy kid who stands outside the girls house all summer watching her screw her A**hole BF, until she breaks up with him, just to reward el-stalko extraordinaire with some sex at the end?

That movie is poisonous advice to guys who need to learn what to do/ what NOT to do.

In fact ALL movies where a guy wins the girl over through *** kissing are sabotage brain washing.

 

[bullets]

One of my favorite sites is the chateau heartiste. When at first you start reading it, lots of it sounds crazy, some stuff will anger you, some will enlighten you. Major mixed bag, but put your ego aside when you read it, as lots of guys have to slap their forehead when they find out the mistakes they have made.

That's an interesting website. I shall study the sixteen commandments of poon. Also if a girl ever asks me to hold her drink , I'm gulping it.

That movie was cute but ultimately I didn't like it all that much. I only really like movies where the main character actually learns something. He didn't.

I didn't learn anything either.I was on his side the whole time.

 

[Anita18]

We are not talking about the movie with the creepy kid who stands outside the girls house all summer watching her screw her A**hole BF, until she breaks up with him, just to reward el-stalko extraordinaire with some sex at the end?

That movie is poisonous advice to guys who need to learn what to do/ what NOT to do.

In fact ALL movies where a guy wins the girl over through *** kissing are sabotage brain washing.

Um, no? We're talking (500) Days of Summer, where

Spoiler

JGL's character is a romantic idealist convinced he's found The One at first sight in Zooey Deschanel's character, but she doesn't believe in true love. They break up, the movie follows him as he tries to piece together his life, then Zooey comes back married and tells him he was right in being a romantic idealist because she finally found The One. Yes, it was love at first sight for her. The movie ends where he meets his real/next The One.

So it's cute, but not something that stuck with me because nobody really learned anything.

It was also a little awkward because my bf's coworker said it was a good movie and he wanted to watch it early on in our relationship when I was still taking things pretty casually. I mean, we're really close now, but back then it would have been awkward to watch a movie basically telling you that if you don't experience love at first sight, then you might as well not bother. Because that totally did not happen for us.

We did watch it later as our relationship developed (it was still in theaters) and my bf said he could see why watching it as a new couple might be awkward.

 

[Anita18]

That's an interesting website. I shall study the sixteen commandments of poon. Also if a girl ever asks me to hold her drink , I'm gulping it.

ZOMG I need to check out that site now.

My bf breaks at least 10 of those commandments. Clearly I have the upper hand - if I break up with him, he is never going to get any more poon ever.

And ZOMG the dating market value test for women! I need to see how much I fail at this.

 

[bullets]

I wound up somewhere in the negatives

 

[Anita18]

Huh, my genetics put me in the "greater beta" category. To be fair, I threw up slightly in my mouth as I was reading the questions.

I'd try the DMV for my bf but I got to the "if you were at a bar" questions and figured I might as well stop right there. He's gonna fail.