The Relationship Thread: Because Superhero Forums are Full of Sexperts! - - - - - - - - Part 27

[Anita18]

So I mentioned a few posts up that me and my girlfriend broke up, and when it happened she said that she wanted to stay friends and wanted it to actually happen, not just say it will like every breakup and then they never talk again. So after we actually 'broke up' we stayed on the phone for like half an hour and just chatted, which was weird but it was the first time in a while we had spoken normally.

Anyway, since then she's messaged me every evening and it's weird because she clearly WANTS to talk to me but from the tone of her messages she either doesn't want to put any effort in or wants to come across as if she is. The first night she was saying sorry because it was '*****y' of her to not speak to me properly for ages and then after we break up start acting normal again. Then the second night after we'd already been speaking, a few hours later at like 2AM she messaged me and when I replied she backtracked and said 'wait, no, i should probably sleep'. So it's a weird situation and I'm not really sure what to make of it.

Does she regret the decision to end it? Has this or something similar happened to anyone else in here?

Just sounds like she wants to keep being friendly with you, but doesn't know exactly how to go about it. I wouldn't necessarily extrapolate anything about a renewed relationship from this.

Anybody with families in here?

I'm struggling a bit lately keeping my cool and I've been getting easily frustrated lately with my pregnant wife and my 2 year old son. My wife recently became a stay at home mom from working 3-11pm/4-12pm shifts. We decided it would be much better for her since she was pregnant and that it'll give her time with our 2 year old before the new baby comes. I also thought I would benefit since it would mean that my wife would get move to my schedule and my son's (I work 8-5 and my son sleeps at 9-10 everynight).

Things were amazing at first, but it has become increasingly difficult. Instead of her moving to my schedule, she migrated our son to her old schedule. So we all sleep around midnight every night and I have to wake up around 6 everyday to get ready for work. They don't get up till 9-10. So when I come home from work everyday, they just get off from their afternoon nap and are full of energy. My wife usually wants to run errands, tons of chores, and house projects. The house is usually a crowded mess because she starts projects that she can't finish and starts multiple projects at once. She also wants me to take our kid to watch him while she does stuff.

This isn't that bad, but I'm getting worn out a bit. I take our son at night when he wakes up (usually around 3:30 am for milk) because I want her to get rest, which means I get less rest. If my son wakes up early on the weekends, I get up and take him to play downstairs to play. My son mostly only wants her because they grew such a strong bond and doesn't listen to me as much. When he gives me an attitude and I try to discipline him, my wife always says "We always fight" (which irks me like crazy now) and complains that she has to take him to comfort him. I also get irritated when she makes comments like "I guess I'll never get to rest/sleep" when she just slept for 10 hours that day while I barely got sleep!

I'm usually a very calm person, but not having that space and being tired has really made me a lot less social and likable. I tried talking to her about resting earlier, but it just never happens and she just becomes agitated because she wants to get a bunch of stuff done and complains that she is tired.

I know she is pregnant and it might just be the hormones, but I kind of just need to get this off my chest. How do you guys suggest in relieving my stresses so I'm less irritated? It's just hard when I come home and the house has stuff everywhere where I can barely walk, my son has an attitude with me because he wants his mom, my wife wants me to do a bunch of things, and I'm just tired.

Thanks in advance. Sorry, I don't know where else to put this, I think I just wanted to get this off chest more than anything, but if you guys have any ideas on releasing stress, it'll be greatly appreciated.

Unfortunately, I think the most "advanced" regulars here are me and Erz, and we both just got married!

Pregnancy and having a 2-year-old running around will be a difficult time for anyone! Yeah, it very well might be hormones, but it doesn't mean that you're chopped liver and your opinions don't matter. You definitely have a say in how the household is run, especially if it's you that's on a set schedule.

Before my husband and I got married, we attended a "marriage workshop" to learn some communication skills. We'd never had a serious argument (still haven't), but we wanted to be prepared once difficult stuff came up. There, we learned something called the "speaker listener technique."

Here's the gist:

Rules for the speaker:

• Speak for yourself, don't mind-read or make assumptions
• Keep statements brief. Don't go on and on. Tackle only ONE issue at a time!
• Stop to let the listener paraphrase

Rules for the Listener

• Paraphrase what you hear
• Focus on the speaker's message. Don't rebut.

Rules for both

• The speaker has the floor
• Speaker keeps the floor while the listener paraphrases
• Share the floor

http://marriagemissions.com/the-speaker-listener-technique/
(A religious marriage site, but as you can see, the lessons are pretty universal. Skills are skills, I'm not judging!)

At the workshop, we were actually given a little paper "floor" tile, to pass to each other to mimic "having the floor." At the workshop, we practiced with having 2 minutes of the speaker "having the floor" where they can talk and share their opinions about something.

My husband and I have used that technique when discussing things like jobs or moving, because he has taken positions upstate and felt he had to share his concerns. It's a good technique. Everyone feels they get a say. You don't have to go the whole 2 minutes, only as long as you need to communicate what you want.

Of course, this only works if your wife acknowledges that you're stressed and need a change. If her hormones have turned her into a self-centered "me, me, me" monster (or if she was always that way, but you tolerated it when your life situation was easier), this might be much more difficult. But it's still worth a shot.

Good luck!

 

[Feenix]

Anybody with families in here?

I'm struggling a bit lately keeping my cool and I've been getting easily frustrated lately with my pregnant wife and my 2 year old son. My wife recently became a stay at home mom from working 3-11pm/4-12pm shifts. We decided it would be much better for her since she was pregnant and that it'll give her time with our 2 year old before the new baby comes. I also thought I would benefit since it would mean that my wife would get move to my schedule and my son's (I work 8-5 and my son sleeps at 9-10 everynight).

Things were amazing at first, but it has become increasingly difficult. Instead of her moving to my schedule, she migrated our son to her old schedule. So we all sleep around midnight every night and I have to wake up around 6 everyday to get ready for work. They don't get up till 9-10. So when I come home from work everyday, they just get off from their afternoon nap and are full of energy. My wife usually wants to run errands, tons of chores, and house projects. The house is usually a crowded mess because she starts projects that she can't finish and starts multiple projects at once. She also wants me to take our kid to watch him while she does stuff.

This isn't that bad, but I'm getting worn out a bit. I take our son at night when he wakes up (usually around 3:30 am for milk) because I want her to get rest, which means I get less rest. If my son wakes up early on the weekends, I get up and take him to play downstairs to play. My son mostly only wants her because they grew such a strong bond and doesn't listen to me as much. When he gives me an attitude and I try to discipline him, my wife always says "We always fight" (which irks me like crazy now) and complains that she has to take him to comfort him. I also get irritated when she makes comments like "I guess I'll never get to rest/sleep" when she just slept for 10 hours that day while I barely got sleep!

I'm usually a very calm person, but not having that space and being tired has really made me a lot less social and likable. I tried talking to her about resting earlier, but it just never happens and she just becomes agitated because she wants to get a bunch of stuff done and complains that she is tired.

I know she is pregnant and it might just be the hormones, but I kind of just need to get this off my chest. How do you guys suggest in relieving my stresses so I'm less irritated? It's just hard when I come home and the house has stuff everywhere where I can barely walk, my son has an attitude with me because he wants his mom, my wife wants me to do a bunch of things, and I'm just tired.

Thanks in advance. Sorry, I don't know where else to put this, I think I just wanted to get this off chest more than anything, but if you guys have any ideas on releasing stress, it'll be greatly appreciated.

This is a tough one. On the one hand, you work hard every day and bring home the bacon and you're exhausted when you get home. On the other hand, your wife is pregnant, her hormones are raging, and she's stuck with a 2 year old all day (which means she can't get done in the day what she would like because she has to entertain the kid). So she too would be tired. A guy would probably give you the advice to take some time for yourself every now and then and go out for beers with a buddy or something. The problem with that is, from a woman's perspective, it sounds like you're running away and your wife can't take time for herself because she's carrying your child and looking after your other one.

So, with that dilemma, I have a suggestion that seems to work well enough for my brother-in-law and his wife (who are in a similar situation). You should each have a few hours (or however long you both agree on) to do your own thing. You can look after your 2 year old while your wife does whatever she wants to her heart's content, and then she does the same for you. Your wife needs to understand that you work hard to support your family and that you deserve some time for yourself every now and then and you need to understand that she never gets away from kids because she stays at home with a 2 year old all day.

 

[the last son]

Anybody with families in here?

I'm struggling a bit lately keeping my cool and I've been getting easily frustrated lately with my pregnant wife and my 2 year old son. My wife recently became a stay at home mom from working 3-11pm/4-12pm shifts. We decided it would be much better for her since she was pregnant and that it'll give her time with our 2 year old before the new baby comes. I also thought I would benefit since it would mean that my wife would get move to my schedule and my son's (I work 8-5 and my son sleeps at 9-10 everynight).

Things were amazing at first, but it has become increasingly difficult. Instead of her moving to my schedule, she migrated our son to her old schedule. So we all sleep around midnight every night and I have to wake up around 6 everyday to get ready for work. They don't get up till 9-10. So when I come home from work everyday, they just get off from their afternoon nap and are full of energy. My wife usually wants to run errands, tons of chores, and house projects. The house is usually a crowded mess because she starts projects that she can't finish and starts multiple projects at once. She also wants me to take our kid to watch him while she does stuff.

This isn't that bad, but I'm getting worn out a bit. I take our son at night when he wakes up (usually around 3:30 am for milk) because I want her to get rest, which means I get less rest. If my son wakes up early on the weekends, I get up and take him to play downstairs to play. My son mostly only wants her because they grew such a strong bond and doesn't listen to me as much. When he gives me an attitude and I try to discipline him, my wife always says "We always fight" (which irks me like crazy now) and complains that she has to take him to comfort him. I also get irritated when she makes comments like "I guess I'll never get to rest/sleep" when she just slept for 10 hours that day while I barely got sleep!

I'm usually a very calm person, but not having that space and being tired has really made me a lot less social and likable. I tried talking to her about resting earlier, but it just never happens and she just becomes agitated because she wants to get a bunch of stuff done and complains that she is tired.

I know she is pregnant and it might just be the hormones, but I kind of just need to get this off my chest. How do you guys suggest in relieving my stresses so I'm less irritated? It's just hard when I come home and the house has stuff everywhere where I can barely walk, my son has an attitude with me because he wants his mom, my wife wants me to do a bunch of things, and I'm just tired.

Thanks in advance. Sorry, I don't know where else to put this, I think I just wanted to get this off chest more than anything, but if you guys have any ideas on releasing stress, it'll be greatly appreciated.

You have to be like Batman at the end of Dark Knight and endure it all and ride out the storm.

 

[Black Narcissus]

So I mentioned a few posts up that me and my girlfriend broke up, and when it happened she said that she wanted to stay friends and wanted it to actually happen, not just say it will like every breakup and then they never talk again. So after we actually 'broke up' we stayed on the phone for like half an hour and just chatted, which was weird but it was the first time in a while we had spoken normally.

Anyway, since then she's messaged me every evening and it's weird because she clearly WANTS to talk to me but from the tone of her messages she either doesn't want to put any effort in or wants to come across as if she is. The first night she was saying sorry because it was '*****y' of her to not speak to me properly for ages and then after we break up start acting normal again. Then the second night after we'd already been speaking, a few hours later at like 2AM she messaged me and when I replied she backtracked and said 'wait, no, i should probably sleep'. So it's a weird situation and I'm not really sure what to make of it.

Does she regret the decision to end it? Has this or something similar happened to anyone else in here?

Don't call/text her back for a few days, she will eventually seek you.

On the fifth day...Look to the west for my signal.

 

[hopefuldreamer]

I am feeling so upset right now.

My best friend has been planning a low key wedding, and I knew it was going to be soon... but she's just sent round this text saying they've booked it all for the 23rd... when i'm working. And it's not enough notice to book as holiday

Is it wrong of me to be really upset with her for not talking to me about what weekends I had off before setting the date?

Just seems to me like if she really cared whether I was there, she'd have made sure I could do that date before making it immovable.

I know she is seeing this whole thing as just a quick and casual wedding, no muss no fuss... but it still hurts me a lot that me being there isn't a priority

 

[Feenix]

I am feeling so upset right now.

My best friend has been planning a low key wedding, and I knew it was going to be soon... but she's just sent round this text saying they've booked it all for the 23rd... when i'm working. And it's not enough notice to book as holiday

Is it wrong of me to be really upset with her for not talking to me about what weekends I had off before setting the date?

Just seems to me like if she really cared whether I was there, she'd have made sure I could do that date before making it immovable.

I know she is seeing this whole thing as just a quick and casual wedding, no muss no fuss... but it still hurts me a lot that me being there isn't a priority

Yes. It is your friend's day and she is allowed to book it when she wants. If the 23rd worked for everyone except you, you can't expect her to change it just so you can make it. Also, the groom has a say in the date of the wedding as well. Your friend and her groom are the priority and it's their day. They may plan it as they see fit.

However, if she expects you to drop everything to make it to her wedding, then that's her fault. But, if that was the day that worked best and she is okay with you not being there, then you just have to let sleeping dogs lie.

 

[Anita18]

I am feeling so upset right now.

My best friend has been planning a low key wedding, and I knew it was going to be soon... but she's just sent round this text saying they've booked it all for the 23rd... when i'm working. And it's not enough notice to book as holiday

Is it wrong of me to be really upset with her for not talking to me about what weekends I had off before setting the date?

Just seems to me like if she really cared whether I was there, she'd have made sure I could do that date before making it immovable.

I know she is seeing this whole thing as just a quick and casual wedding, no muss no fuss... but it still hurts me a lot that me being there isn't a priority

A lot, and I mean A LOT, of people are absolutely rubbish at planning and taking people's schedules into account.

My reaction is that she just didn't think, or that she assumed it would be enough time for people to ask for days off. Did you tell her you won't be able to make it? And if so, what was her reaction?

My goddaughter's parents weren't able to make it to my wedding. They thought they could but then work-related stuff came up. It would have been lovely, but life is life.

And yeah, CosmicPinchy's point is correct too. I booked my wedding on the Saturday of my spring break. (And then the school changed schedules completely 3 months beforehand, so it was 2 weeks before finals but that's neither here not there.)

 

[hopefuldreamer]

Yes. It is your friend's day and she is allowed to book it when she wants. If the 23rd worked for everyone except you, you can't expect her to change it just so you can make it. Also, the groom has a say in the date of the wedding as well. Your friend and her groom are the priority and it's their day. They may plan it as they see fit.

However, if she expects you to drop everything to make it to her wedding, then that's her fault. But, if that was the day that worked best and she is okay with you not being there, then you just have to let sleeping dogs lie.

They haven't picked this date because it's best for everyone. They've picked it at random.

No one else works weekend days. It would literally not have mattered to them what weekend it was. I am the only person for whom it was ever going to matter which weekend it was.

It's just a careless shame

Of course they can do what they want. But can you blame me for being heart broken about it?

I would never plan my wedding without making sure she could make it because she's important enough to me that the idea of her not being there when I get married is absurd.

But I guess that's not reciprocated

A lot, and I mean A LOT, of people are absolutely rubbish at planning and taking people's schedules into account.

My reaction is that she just didn't think, or that she assumed it would be enough time for people to ask for days off. Did you tell her you won't be able to make it? And if so, what was her reaction?

My goddaughter's parents weren't able to make it to my wedding. They thought they could but then work-related stuff came up. It would have been lovely, but life is life.

And yeah, CosmicPinchy's point is correct too. I booked my wedding on the Saturday of my spring break. (And then the school changed schedules completely 3 months beforehand, so it was 2 weeks before finals but that's neither here not there.)

Yeah, I know it's just carelessness, it's just really frustrating cause it could have so easily been avoided if she just talked to me instead of doing everything in a rush.

I told her but she's still acting like it'll work out somehow. I said I will ask the 3 people on my team who aren't working that weekend if there is any chance they can swap with me... But it's not likely in summer cause people have requested specific weekends because they've made plans.

I mean, we were only talking about it two days ago, discussing how they'd decided it was just gonna be me and the grooms best friend attending the actual ceremony...

I guess now it'll just be the grooms best friend and an empty seat... Or some other girl will have to do it instead

 

[Anita18]

Yeah, I know it's just carelessness, it's just really frustrating cause it could have so easily been avoided if she just talked to me instead of doing everything in a rush.

I told her but she's still acting like it'll work out somehow. I said I will ask the 3 people on my team who aren't working that weekend if there is any chance they can swap with me... But it's not likely in summer cause people have requested specific weekends because they've made plans.

I mean, we were only talking about it two days ago, discussing how they'd decided it was just gonna be me and the grooms best friend attending the actual ceremony...

I guess now it'll just be the grooms best friend and an empty seat... Or some other girl will have to do it instead

Yeah, I think if the wedding was going to be THAT small and you can't make it, then I think it's fair to feel upset. At least know that it wasn't done in maliciousness, so it won't ruin your friendship forever. It'll only be like, 15 minutes of everyone's life. I mean yeah, it's their wedding but it sounds like you have a lot more history over the years that 15 minutes shouldn't negate.

You seriously won't believe the drama that goes on about or at weddings.

 

[Dark Raven]

Weddings are always funny business, and people you think should be invited aren't, while people you'd never expect to be invited and barely seem to know the bride or groom somehow show up.

And I'm surprised this thread is still going after Nell was banned. J/K

 

[Emperor_Zerg]

Just sounds like she wants to keep being friendly with you, but doesn't know exactly how to go about it. I wouldn't necessarily extrapolate anything about a renewed relationship from this.



Unfortunately, I think the most "advanced" regulars here are me and Erz, and we both just got married!

Pregnancy and having a 2-year-old running around will be a difficult time for anyone! Yeah, it very well might be hormones, but it doesn't mean that you're chopped liver and your opinions don't matter. You definitely have a say in how the household is run, especially if it's you that's on a set schedule.

Before my husband and I got married, we attended a "marriage workshop" to learn some communication skills. We'd never had a serious argument (still haven't), but we wanted to be prepared once difficult stuff came up. There, we learned something called the "speaker listener technique."

Here's the gist:



http://marriagemissions.com/the-speaker-listener-technique/
(A religious marriage site, but as you can see, the lessons are pretty universal. Skills are skills, I'm not judging!)

At the workshop, we were actually given a little paper "floor" tile, to pass to each other to mimic "having the floor." At the workshop, we practiced with having 2 minutes of the speaker "having the floor" where they can talk and share their opinions about something.

My husband and I have used that technique when discussing things like jobs or moving, because he has taken positions upstate and felt he had to share his concerns. It's a good technique. Everyone feels they get a say. You don't have to go the whole 2 minutes, only as long as you need to communicate what you want.

Of course, this only works if your wife acknowledges that you're stressed and need a change. If her hormones have turned her into a self-centered "me, me, me" monster (or if she was always that way, but you tolerated it when your life situation was easier), this might be much more difficult. But it's still worth a shot.

Good luck!

Thank you everyone for responding. We actually never really fought much at all and with her first pregnancy, we actually grew a lot closer. But having a 2 year old while she is pregnant is much different.

I will try this method of communicating and hopefully work something out to getting both of us some time to ourselves. The only issue is that every time I volunteer to take our son to the park while she does her chores or whatever she needs to get done, she says "no." Our son usually only acts up when both of us are around, it's much easier when I have him just to myself as he listens to me (for the most part). I'm sure we can easily work something out as we've gone through a lot of stressful situations (buying a car, house, first baby, in laws, etc.) and only grew closer in the end.

Thank you again!

 

[the last son]

Why would she say no to taking him to the park? Thought she wanted dome alone time?

 

[Erzengel]

I was pressured by family to invite certain people. In hindsight I wish I didn't but I understood. These were friends of my parents who were invited to their children's wedding.

 

[the last son]

Still feeling alone. Each day gets easier. Wondering if I should become a "bar/party" every weekend guy to get out there more.

 

[hopefuldreamer]

And I'm surprised this thread is still going after Nell was banned. J/K

Wait wait wait... Nell was banned?

When? What? How? Why? Where?

 

[Anita18]

Wait wait wait... Nell was banned?

When? What? How? Why? Where?

Some kerfuffle in the banned users thread, ironically. Guy doesn't know when to stop defending himself.

I'm still talking to him on Facebook, he won't be without relationship advice, don't worry.

 

[DeadPresident]

Some kerfuffle in the banned users thread, ironically. Guy doesn't know when to stop defending himself.

I'm still talking to him on Facebook, he won't be without relationship advice, don't worry.

Hmmm...glutton for punishment?

 

[RetrogradeOrbit]

It sure is quieter in here since Nell has left these here boards...

 

[hopefuldreamer]

Some kerfuffle in the banned users thread, ironically. Guy doesn't know when to stop defending himself.

I'm still talking to him on Facebook, he won't be without relationship advice, don't worry.

Random!

You have to tell me if he gets an official girlfriend before I get an official boyfriend - he'll owe me £20

 

[the last son]

With Nell gone, all attention can be given to me to help me find my future wife

 

[ShadowBoxer]

I am still on the hunt looking for miss right ha. I don't know what it is but the girls in my area are either crazy, arrogant, extremely picky. There are a few girls that I know through mutual friends that I might be interested in but I don't know if it would work out. I guess my personality is hard for some women to get a good feel for me. I am kinda quiet and shy when I first meet people but warm up after meet and hang out with you for a while. My jokes are hit or miss but some girls dig it along with the strong silent type I come of as sometimes. Then some girls are turned off by my hobbies or geek culture and others don't mind. A great example is my avatar here. The picture show here under my name is actually me in comic book form. I took a picture of myself using a app on my iPhone. On Facebook I got some girls say I am too nerdy and other actually like the pic. So its weird!!!!!

 

[PacificBoy]

Whoa, Nell's gone? Well, hope he manages to find irl what he didn't manage to find here.

 

[Mr.M]

Still feeling alone. Each day gets easier. Wondering if I should become a "bar/party" every weekend guy to get out there more.

Um..... No. You're too old for that, even though that's subjective. Once your past 23/24, bars should be seldom special occasion things, or events IMO. Watch a big ball game, catching up with old friends, or a large group of people that you are mingling with for the first time such as a networking event posted online. Don't go by yourself ever (unless you are an alcoholic, I've been there too). Don't go with the usual group of guys on a weekend, unless it is your weekly trivia or pool/darts night (which is usually a weekday anyway). It plays out a year after school and that phase is long gone.

It needs to be an event. Visiting a new city. Bday. Checking out the awesome ambiance of a place you heard about and are totally new to. Otherwise, don't go for the sake of picking up chicks. Always have some other motivation to go there (other than "I need a drink").

 

[the last son]

I mean why not? You said don't do it, but guys all across the world of all ages are picking up, sleeping, and even falling in love with women they met at bars all over the world, no matter the reason they were there in the first place.

 

[Mr.M]

I mean why not? You said don't do it, but guys all across the world of all ages are picking up, sleeping, and even falling in love with women they met at bars all over the world, no matter the reason they were there in the first place.

Whatever works for you, but generally it does not work or happen in the way you described. It's that simple. Women want problem solvers. Not guys drinking to forget about problems for a night. Sorry to put it bluntly, but that's my philosophy and what I believe. Drinking is completely counter productive to that. So go ahead and have a release when you need to, but I HIGHLY recommend not going there simply to pick up women. Have some other form of entertainment or motivation.