The Relationship Thread: Because Superhero Forums are Full of Sexperts! - - - - - - - - Part 27

[Anita18]

Brem, my advice is to stop making it such a big deal. You don't NEED a special connection just to go on a date. A date is to judge compatibility - that's when you figure out if you like a girl enough to keep seeing her. You don't need to be hit with fireworks beforehand. Even if you feel a girl is just cute, what do you have to lose by going out with her? Just an evening of your time and maybe $15 over a casual dinner or movie. Flying to Florida to meet a girl for a first date who only claimed to "like you" is really OTT. That's like, marriage level. That's not first date level.

If I had made "immediate fireworks" or "feeling like I met THE ONE" my rule for dating, my life would be very different, because I would not be with my husband. When I met him, I felt no overly special affection for him. My feelings for him developed slowly over time, after I realized how comfortable I felt around him and how supportive he was of me. Waiting for "perfection" or "fireworks" or "THE ONE" what have you, just to go on a date, is setting your relationship expectations way too high.

Immediate chemistry does not automatically make for a successful relationship. I will tell you that much. My sister and her ex had tons more chemistry than my husband and I did at first...but after 5 years, she finally broke up with him (after 3 years of unhappiness) and my husband and I are married. Our love for each other only grows over time. So much for immediate chemistry.

You're not proposing marriage on the spot. It's just a date. The point is to give yourself the space to check out her personality when she's alone with you. That's all.

 

[Erzengel]

Anyway, glad that's off my chest. Any comments welcome, but don't be surprised if I dismiss them. Not out of rudeness, I hope you understand, but I'm not going to go out of my way, now, to meet someone else or go to an online dating site. I'll admit I am lonely, I would love to meet a nice girl to have coffee with (I go twice weekly alone), but it just isn't worth the stress right now haha.

I bolded now because if you need some time to center yourself that's fine. I do hope you do realize that fortune will always favor the bold and unless you're Chris Hemsworth you will have to put the effort into meeting people, whether it's in real life or online. Women aren't going to fall in your lap. You have to make the opportunities happen.

 

[ShadowBoxer]

So have this female friend that is a model and is really attractive. Lets just say her modeling pictures leave little to the imagination LOL. She is not a nude model or stripper or anything that btw. Anyway, she wants me take pictures of her and go on a road trip to film a music video for a local music artist we both know. She offers to pay for ONE hotel room for her and myself and I just pay for the gas. I make a comment about me paying for another room so we both can have our own space, but she INSISTS that we share a room. Now we know each other for almost a year and never hung out other than on music video projects I freelance on. She is nice and friendly but her lifestyle is a bit on the wild side. She is into some things I am not into to put in nicely.

I have this weird mental block about some female friends and don't really think about them in a sexual way, just because it's weird to me. She knows I am still a 26 year old virgin by choice, as I am waiting for the right girl. But I kinda got the feeling that she likes me more than a friend and this is her trying to seduce me or something. Like I said, I am cool with her and consider her a friend and yes she is attractive, but I don't want to hurt her or offend her by not sharing a room with her and telling her I don't have romantic feelings towards her.

I think it's weird she is insisting that we share a room, as most females would want a room to themselves and not share with a dude you know? Maybe I am reading to much into it? Any advice on how to handle this situation without damaging the friendship? Should I just share the room with her but make sure its a two bed room?

 

[Erzengel]

Well, a lot of rooms have double beds. If you can split a hotel room as opposed for paying for 2, it's just economical.

I mean if she's insisting on sharing a bed with you, then I'd really wonder. However, it's also not out of the realm of possibilities that even if you share a bed together you will be intimate.

There's a good chance you are reading too much into it especially if she's never expressed or exhibited any flirtatious behavior before in the tenure of your friendship.

 

[ShadowBoxer]

Well, a lot of rooms have double beds. If you can split a hotel room as opposed for paying for 2, it's just economical.

I mean if she's insisting on sharing a bed with you, then I'd really wonder. However, it's also not out of the realm of possibilities that even if you share a bed together you will be intimate.

There's a good chance you are reading too much into it especially if she's never expressed or exhibited any flirtatious behavior before in the tenure of your friendship.

I was thinking her reasoning for wanting to share a hotel room is its more economical. But when I suggested that we could have separate rooms she seemed kinda offended. Thoughout the months that I have known her she has invited me to her place for social gatherings with only a few people. But most of the time I had to decline due to work or some other engagement. So it seems she has always been trying to spend time with me or get me alone, which makes me question if she likes me more than a friend. But like you said, maybe it could be her just being friendly and the whole sharing a room thing is just more economical. Thanks for the advice!

 

[Anita18]

Yeah, I'd look at the context. Most girls do try flirting first, before suggesting the hotel room.

 

[Damage11]

Yeah you're getting laid dude.

 

[ShadowBoxer]

Yeah, I'd look at the context. Most girls do try flirting first, before suggesting the hotel room.

LOL that's what I thought. Since I don't share those feelings she may have for me, what would be a good way to break it to her?

 

[ShadowBoxer]

Yeah you're getting laid dude.

LOL I am gonna have to break it to her before it comes to that.

 

[Anita18]

LOL that's what I thought. Since I don't share those feelings she may have for me, what would be a good way to break it to her?

Awkwardly?

If she's already set her sights on you, she's pretty much made up her mind, IMO. Especially if you're a 26-y-o male virgin. She'll probably get offended with a rejection, especially if she's a sexy model. She's likely used to wrapping guys around her finger without much effort.

It's like the PUA "neg" technique, except you're doing it for honorable reasons.

 

[Damage11]

LOL I am gonna have to break it to her before it comes to that.

If you're going to do that, do it before the trip. As soon as possible really.

Like right now.

 

[ShadowBoxer]

Awkwardly?

If she's already set her sights on you, she's pretty much made up her mind, IMO. Especially if you're a 26-y-o male virgin. She'll probably get offended with a rejection, especially if she's a sexy model. She's likely used to wrapping guys around her finger without much effort.

It's like the PUA "neg" technique, except you're doing it for honorable reasons.

Yea that's true. This is gonna be one awkward situation but I have to do what I feel is right. Hopefully, she doesn't kick me in the nuts or anything LOL.

 

[Erzengel]

Are you awaiting for just intercourse with the right girl or is it everything?

 

[ShadowBoxer]

Are you awaiting for just intercourse with the right girl or is it everything?

Everything not just sex ha.

 

[Anita18]

Are you awaiting for just intercourse with the right girl or is it everything?

Frankly, as someone who's only had sex with one guy (I lost my virginity at 25) and married him, I think ShadowBoxer is making too big of a deal over it. I mean, sure there's religious reasons, but how do you know if you've met "the right girl?"

I didn't know I was gonna marry my husband when I first had sex with him. All I knew is that I trusted him. The most important thing is that you trust your partner, whether it's your first time having sex with them or your first time having sex at all.

Your first time will likely be awkward anyway. Might as well do it with someone you trust, but not make it into this earth-shattering thing. That's an unrealistic expectation to have.

 

[Erzengel]

Everything not just sex ha.

Frankly, as someone who's only had sex with one guy (I lost my virginity at 25) and married him, I think ShadowBoxer is making too big of a deal over it. I mean, sure there's religious reasons, but how do you know if you've met "the right girl?"

I didn't know I was gonna marry my husband when I first had sex with him. All I knew is that I trusted him. The most important thing is that you trust your partner, whether it's your first time having sex with them or your first time having sex at all.

Your first time will likely be awkward anyway. Might as well do it with someone you trust, but not make it into this earth-shattering thing. That's an unrealistic expectation to have.

He did say the "right girl" and not necessarily marriage unless he wants to correct me.

And I'm not against waiting. However, I do think sexual compatibility is very important. When you grow in your relationship, especially when you have zero experience, you might discover things you may like that she might not like. It might not necessarily ruin the relationship BUT it will depend how important that aspect is.

 

[Anita18]

He did say the "right girl" and not necessarily marriage unless he wants to correct me.

And I'm not against waiting. However, I do think sexual compatibility is very important. When you grow in your relationship, especially when you have zero experience, you might discover things you may like that she might not like. It might not necessarily ruin the relationship BUT it will depend how important that aspect is.

Also, any sexual hangups your partner might have may not make themselves apparent unless you're actually doing (or getting close to) doing the deed.

I figure, it's just better to clear the air and take things as they come along, instead of forming this image in your head of how things should go.

 

[Hobgoblin]

I'm going to have date number five with a woman tonight. I dont feel that we have much in common and topics of conversation are few. How do I tell her that we should just be friends?

 

[Erzengel]

I don't think even saying, I really don't see this going anywhere is going to go over well. Might as well just be honest. If you want to pepper it with some "exaggerations", school, family, friends, etc. to soften the blow. You could even call off the date tonight, if you really feel there's nothing there. After 4 dates, you kinda should know.

 

[the last son]

just had a first date with a 20 year old college student. She was a nice girl, but I don't think I'll be asking for a second date. just wasn't attracted to her.

 

[ShadowBoxer]

just had a first date with a 20 year old college student. She was a nice girl, but I don't think I'll be asking for a second date. just wasn't attracted to her.

Well that's understandable, if there isn't a click between the two of you during the first date that usually a bad sign.

 

[ShadowBoxer]

Update to my situation with my female friend who is a local model who wanted to share a hotel room with me. I found out this WAS an attempt to get me alone try to de virginize me. She really should be more careful about what see posts on Facebook ha! It was vague what she was saying line up with the road trip with me to do the video shoot. I also sent a message to one her close friends on Facebook and managed to get enough info to determine if my thoughts are correct. She unintentionally spilled the beans but she doesn't know it ha. Now I am trying to figure out how to tell this girl I am not interested in a romantic relationship or a random hook up. Like I said, the girl is nice and I would like to at least remain friends with her, however her lifestyle is really out there and is a turn off for me.

I am NEVER in my life had an attractive model chick actively trying to DE- Virginize me before and when it happens, I have to stick to my guns/ morals and say no. I don't know why she is after me anyway, I will be the first to admit I am not the best looking guy around, don't have movie star looks or anything but I guess my personality and the appeal of being a virgin dude is what attracts her to me. Anyway, this is gonna be awkward conversation HA.

 

[Anita18]

I am NEVER in my life had an attractive model chick actively trying to DE- Virginize me before and when it happens, I have to stick to my guns/ morals and say no. I don't know why she is after me anyway, I will be the first to admit I am not the best looking guy around, don't have movie star looks or anything but I guess my personality and the appeal of being a virgin dude is what attracts her to me. Anyway, this is gonna be awkward conversation HA.

Well you don't read that every day. There were some dudes here (not naming names ) who were ashamed of being a male virgin past 20.

But I suppose the difference is, you're not ashamed of it.

 

[ShadowBoxer]

Well you don't read that every day. There were some dudes here (not naming names ) who were ashamed of being a male virgin past 20.

But I suppose the difference is, you're not ashamed of it.

I feel like there is no real rush to lose your virginity male or female. I know people who lost it at young ages and then later say they wish they had waited until the met someone they truly cared about or until marriage etc. On the flip side, I heard some people who said the opposite. It just goes depends on the person. Me I am waiting until I know I am with a girl I truly care about.

 

[Mr.M]

Sometimes you just need to get it out of your system, just to confirm what you already knew. I did the one night stand thing, it was kinda embarrassing afterwards, but no regrets. Just got the deed done and got the hell outta there, and a giant monkey off my back.