The Relationship Thread: Because Superhero Forums are Full of Sexperts! - - - - - - - - Part 27

[Erzengel]

Then you're changing for the wrong reasons.

 

[DeadPresident]

All these guys don't they observe you when you're at the pub? They see a flirtatious girl, who's livelier the more she drinks.

I'm not saying you're doing anything wrong BUT some guys might misinterpret your behavior. Regardless, even if you make out with them and take them home, you still have the power to stop it. It's never a sure thing.

Well I must be doing something wrong to keep finding myself in the same situation. To keep having men treat me in one specific way, when they don't treat ALL women that way.

I live in an ex-colony, so I'm going to assume our culture surrounding alcohol is pretty similar to the UK's, i.e nothing social happens without alcohol. My verdict from being dragged to enough dives, bars, pubs, clubs and concert venues is that those environments + alcohol mean your likelihood of finding somebody you'll actually want to engage with is close to 0. Social events mixed with alcohol either tend to directly attract the people who look for that, or it attracts people that become morons (most likely which go and flirt in a direct and heavy handed manner with girls like you) in that sort of environment.

This goes for men and women, nobody becomes a better or more enjoyable person under the influence of alcohol. Generally, all that happens is people seem to lose their brain-mouth filters and somebody that isn't on their level of inebriation becomes an easy target for really bad, and sometimes unpleasant advances.

Just to also add to what Erzengel said, usually in pubs and similar spots anybody with a genuinely outgoing or social personality is interpreted as welcoming advances, irrespective of how badly executed they might be. Just my observations, but it may be happening to you purely because of the social environment you may be in.

 

[PacificBoy]

Like Anita said, flirting is flirting, sex is sex. Their expectation of sex based on your flirty behaviour not getting met isn't your problem. It's theirs and theirs alone.

Besides, the guy you had over for the movie sounds like an unclassy hound dog. Learn to take a hint buddy.

 

[hopefuldreamer]

I live in an ex-colony, so I'm going to assume our culture surrounding alcohol is pretty similar to the UK's, i.e nothing social happens without alcohol. My verdict from being dragged to enough dives, bars, pubs, clubs and concert venues is that those environments + alcohol mean your likelihood of finding somebody you'll actually want to engage with is close to 0. Social events mixed with alcohol either tend to directly attract the people who look for that, or it attracts people that become morons (most likely which go and flirt in a direct and heavy handed manner with girls like you) in that sort of environment.

This goes for men and women, nobody becomes a better or more enjoyable person under the influence of alcohol. Generally, all that happens is people seem to lose their brain-mouth filters and somebody that isn't on their level of inebriation becomes an easy target for really bad, and sometimes unpleasant advances.

Just to also add to what Erzengel said, usually in pubs and similar spots anybody with a genuinely outgoing or social personality is interpreted as welcoming advances, irrespective of how badly executed they might be. Just my observations, but it may be happening to you purely because of the social environment you may be in.

Yeah I think that's probably true.

I also half think, and it's a horrible thought - that it's because I was a bigger girl... so guys thought I wouldn't be so picky, so i'm an easier target.

And yeah... back then, I was a fairly easy target

I've lost a lot of weight now and my whole attitude towards sex has changed a lot the last 5 months or so... I have only slept with 2 people in that time. 1 guy I was actually dating. And this guy who I still ascertain is more than FWB's... or at least that's what I thought!

I think that's a pretty good step towards changing myself so I am treated better.

And in fairness... old depressed Becky probably would have just sleep with the guy last night just because he wanted to.

But I didn't. So I should just feel happy about that and not worry to much about guys being surprised by it.

 

[hopefuldreamer]

Besides, the guy you had over for the movie sounds like an unclassy hound dog. Learn to take a hint buddy.

Yeah, it did seem a bit stupid... I mean, falling asleep has gotta be the biggest hint in the world that you're not going to sleep with someone.

At least my portugeuse guy never did that.

I fell asleep on him 3 times when we'd been drinking, and he never woke me up to try and sleep with me. He just tucked me in and put a glass of water by my bed

 

[DeadPresident]

Yeah I think that's probably true.

I also half think, and it's a horrible thought - that it's because I was a bigger girl... so guys thought I wouldn't be so picky, so i'm an easier target.

And yeah... back then, I was a fairly easy target

I've lost a lot of weight now and my whole attitude towards sex has changed a lot the last 5 months or so... I have only slept with 2 people in that time. 1 guy I was actually dating. And this guy who I still ascertain is more than FWB's... or at least that's what I thought!

I think that's a pretty good step towards changing myself so I am treated better.

And in fairness... old depressed Becky probably would have just sleep with the guy last night just because he wanted to.

But I didn't. So I should just feel happy about that and not worry to much about guys being surprised by it.

It's also more conducive to maintaining that if you're in places where people are likely to treat you better.

Yeah, it did seem a bit stupid... I mean, falling asleep has gotta be the biggest hint in the world that you're not going to sleep with someone.

At least my portugeuse guy never did that.

I fell asleep on him 3 times when we'd been drinking, and he never woke me up to try and sleep with me. He just tucked me in and put a glass of water by my bed

I'm assuming you're amused by the scenario rather than his choice to do the right thing as opposed to taking advantage of you...right?

 

[hopefuldreamer]

It's also more conducive to maintaining that if you're in places where people are likely to treat you better.

Yeah... I think the main problem with that is that I don't really do anything else... because I don't really enjoy anything else socially.

I mean, I love film and theater as well, but those are things I enjoy doing alone. I like going to the gym... alone.

Drinking is really the only thing I do in a social way... and I honestly have no idea what else I could do to be in 'better' social environments to meet people.

People always say 'clubs and sports'... but WHAT clubs? And WHAT sports. I'm good at no sports or activities. I have no interest in any sports or activities

I'm assuming you're amused by the scenario rather than his choice to do the right thing as opposed to taking advantage of you...right?

It was more a giggle of girlish 'he's so sweet'

 

[RetrogradeOrbit]

^^^
Do you enjoy any indoor sports?

Spoiler

Sorry, couldn't resist...

 

[hopefuldreamer]

^^^
Do you enjoy any indoor sports?

Spoiler

Sorry, couldn't resist...

Not in groups big enough to meet new people

 

[RetrogradeOrbit]

^^^
That genuinely made me laugh out loud! Bravo...

 

[hopefuldreamer]

I have my humourous moments

 

[the last son]

After a long 30 minute conversation she decided to give me one more chance. I told her she wouldn't regret it. I don't even believe that

 

[Anita18]

Well I must be doing something wrong to keep finding myself in the same situation. To keep having men treat me in one specific way, when they don't treat ALL women that way.

It's not "wrong." It's just something you want to change. There's no "wrong"...unless you're hurting people on purpose or kicking puppies.

Given that I haven't met you in person and from what you've written here, I'd say that it's a mix of the social scene and your overall touchy feely nature. Guys feel comfortable being physical with you because you feel comfortable being physical with them. (I bet a lot of guys simply chicken out when they want to get physical with a non-touchy-feely woman like me!) I don't think it's necessarily one or the other, but the fact that you're touchy feely and tipsy AND around other tipsy people...that's kind of the combination that would attract guys who just want to have a good time but nothing more.

self sabotage is complete. After a really nice date I got drunk yesterday and called her and we argue and I talked crazy and I'll never hear from her again.

Dude, why are you even wasting your own time like this? You aren't ready for a relationship. You admit yourself, you sabotage everything. Like you said, what's the point?

Well you have to figure that out yourself, WITHOUT dragging another person into it.

Yeah... I think the main problem with that is that I don't really do anything else... because I don't really enjoy anything else socially.

I mean, I love film and theater as well, but those are things I enjoy doing alone. I like going to the gym... alone.

Drinking is really the only thing I do in a social way... and I honestly have no idea what else I could do to be in 'better' social environments to meet people.

People always say 'clubs and sports'... but WHAT clubs? And WHAT sports. I'm good at no sports or activities. I have no interest in any sports or activities

This is exactly why I did online dating, because I was an introverted hermit, and I don't drink.

Most of my peers met their SOs at school or swing dancing (no lie!). One geek friend met her long-term geek bf at a mixer held at a comic book store. It doesn't have to be a bar where you get physically tipsy and everyone's shamelessly flirting. You could at least put yourself in a situation where people might have something in common with you, and where the drinking is to make it a little easier to be social, but not be a crutch.

 

[Erzengel]

After a long 30 minute conversation she decided to give me one more chance. I told her she wouldn't regret it. I don't even believe that

As of right now, they deserve better.

 

[Feenix]

After a long 30 minute conversation she decided to give me one more chance. I told her she wouldn't regret it. I don't even believe that

You're just full of it, dude.

 

[Anita18]

As of right now, they deserve better.

Yeah TLS, what you're doing is sliding into the category of "wrong" for me.

 

[Schlosser85]

After a long 30 minute conversation she decided to give me one more chance. I told her she wouldn't regret it. I don't even believe that

Then don't tell women things you don't mean!

 

[the last son]

What am I doing that's so wrong?

 

[Schlosser85]

What am I doing that's so wrong?

You told her she wouldn't regret giving you another chance, but you admit to us that you don't even believe it.

You say you don't want a relationship with a woman you slept with, and are freaked out by how smitten she is, then go on vacation with her.

You continually lead women on while you don't really want a relationship or have any faith in one working out.

 

[PacificBoy]

You told her she wouldn't regret giving you another chance, but you admit to us that you don't even believe it.

You say you don't want a relationship with a woman you slept with, and are freaked out by how smitten she is, then go on vacation with her.

You continually lead women on while you don't really want a relationship or have any faith in one working out.

Basically. Part of TLS' problem here is that he's attractive and has relatively easy access to women. When he messes up a relationship, he turns to drink for comfort. When he finds sobering up a trying endeavour, he turns to women for comfort. Rinse and repeat.

I think you need to examine the root of your self-destructive tendencies first, TLS, before even attempting any serious relationship.

 

[Anita18]

What am I doing that's so wrong?

Like Schlosser85 said, you tell women things you don't believe yourself. Being dishonest because you don't want to lose is wrong.

You are knowingly leading them on, because you admit yourself, you'll only sabotage it later. You don't have faith you can be in a healthy relationship. But you lead them on anyway. Why? Because you don't see the point in not doing it? No, that's leading them on and being dishonest.

So STOP. Be honest with those women, be honest with yourself.

 

[Erzengel]

What am I doing that's so wrong?

I'm like a train off the tracks. I got wasted last night. One woman came over had sex and then we argued I told her it was over and she said she doesn't care if I see other women, just be with her. I text my ex, she didn't respond and I was drunk and ruined it with another woman. Really depressed. Don't understand life.

. I can't say I care too much about anything. I have a huge ego and want to be remembered when my bones become dust. I want to inspire others. I'm depressed. I take medication for it. I'm also, a severe alcoholic. I understand your advice, but honestly it just gets so lonely for me. I admit I'm very selfish and will put myself over others. I want to change. I think. Sometimes I'm not sure. As you see I can be a real jerk sometimes. I have a ice cold heart sometimes, but there is some good in me. A part of me that feels bad when I hurt others feelings. If I didn't care I would've just banged that chick and not asked for opinions. I can't help the way I am. I'm just selfish. I have bad judgement and let my primal instincts of getting some cloud the right decision.

 

[Anita18]

Basically. Part of TLS' problem here is that he's attractive and has relatively easy access to women. When he messes up a relationship, he turns to drink for comfort. When he find sobering up a trying endeavour, he turns to women for comfort. Rinse and repeat.

I think you need to examine the root of your self-destructive tendencies first, TLS, before even attempting any serious relationship.

It would be one thing if he were just looking for one-night stands and nobody got hurt emotionally, because everyone agreed it wasn't serious. But no, he's dating them and pretending he wants a serious relationship with them when he doesn't or is aware he isn't capable of one.

That's the part that's sliding into wrongness for me.

 

[Schlosser85]

^ Yup.

 

[Anita18]

If you could just change one thing TLS, just take out "Looking for relationship" and put in the equivalent of "Just looking for some fun" in your online dating profile. I KNOW there is one in POF, although I don't know the exact wording anymore.

Stop wasting everyone's time and emotional energy. If those women knew you weren't serious about a relationship from the get-go, nobody would be in any messes with you.