The Relationship Thread: Because Superhero Forums are Full of Sexperts! - - - - - - - - - Part 28

[hopefuldreamer]

Hi everyone

Been a while. Just sort of been trying to enjoy things without over thinking them.

Of course now, i'm worried that it's been more like sticking my head in the sand and not dealing with the problems that really do need thinking about.

Well i'm still with the Portuguese guy, and he's still living at mine. Mainly because neither one of us seems all that much in a hurry to live apart now that we've gotten comfortable with each other.

I like him a lot. I feel happy around him, he treats me well, we've only ever had one fight and it was over in a day.

We are both very similar creatures, and it means that neither one of us has to be anything but themselves. It feels safe and warm and like a comfort blanket.

But there is absolutely no passion. And I don't feel in love.

The lack of passion is getting worse the more secure we both feel in the relationship. It's basically just laziness. Neither of us can be bothered to make an effort sexually. So we just... rarely have sex now.

I'm sort of hoping that this will get better now that i'm back to my diet and will be loosing weight again, because i'm sure a lot of it has just been from not feeling sexy because I put a bit back on... but that i'll just have to wait and see.

The love thing is a bigger issue.

I feel like it could still happen. That one day something small or something big... or nothing at all, will make a light bulb go off in my head that i've fallen in love. But so far, i'm just really fond of him.

And how long is it okay to let a relationship go on at that level?

He asked me this morning if I wanted to come to Portugal in June and stay with his parents. I guess that question really brought it home that we're going down a path that is only going to get harder and harder to break out of down the line.

I don't feel like either one of us feels more than the other. Neither of us has said I Love You yet. But we both seem to be enjoying being boyfriend and girlfriend enough to not break up.

The idea of him meeting my mum... that's a scary one. I have a bit of trouble with introducing him to people. I always feel like he's making a bad impression... but then i've been told by people that I have introduced him too that it's just me being paranoid... I dunno.

I mean, he's a stoner boy. He does ramble on about silly things sometimes, and I cringe thinking people are finding it boring or annoying.

But god... my mum? I mean, I hope she'd see that he's sweet and soft and easy going, and that would be enough.

One of my best friends doesn't like him. She thinks I can do better than a lazy bloke who I have next to no sex life with. I kind of agree with her... but I don't HAVE better, and for now... I just want to enjoy not being alone.

After 6 years of being single, i'm really really reluctant to just throw it away because it isn't perfect.

But then I keep thinking about our living situation.

Should we just move into a 1 bed flat together? Currently we are squeezed into studio apartment and there isn't even enough room for him to unpack some of his boxes. It's not ideal. But it's been really really helpful having him paying some of the rent. Trying to live and pay for everything alone is incredibly difficult on a small wage. I almost don't want to live alone again because of the expense

But if we move in together, it's a REAL commitment.

I mean, this is the big fork in the road for me.

Either he moves out and gets his own place and we see how it goes living independently... and it then becomes much easier for me to admit this isn't right and go our separate ways.

Or we move in together for real, and I start seeing this as a decision with a future.

And it might be a future where I resign myself to giving up passion and love for security and comfort.

Yeah... I just don't know what to do.

 

[the last son]

Explain to him exactly what you wrote on here. Doesn't sound like you two are a match at all, but good friends.

 

[Mysteryman]

Hi everyone

Been a while. Just sort of been trying to enjoy things without over thinking them.

Of course now, i'm worried that it's been more like sticking my head in the sand and not dealing with the problems that really do need thinking about.

Well i'm still with the Portuguese guy, and he's still living at mine. Mainly because neither one of us seems all that much in a hurry to live apart now that we've gotten comfortable with each other.

I like him a lot. I feel happy around him, he treats me well, we've only ever had one fight and it was over in a day.

We are both very similar creatures, and it means that neither one of us has to be anything but themselves. It feels safe and warm and like a comfort blanket.

But there is absolutely no passion. And I don't feel in love.

The lack of passion is getting worse the more secure we both feel in the relationship. It's basically just laziness. Neither of us can be bothered to make an effort sexually. So we just
... rarely have sex now.

I'm sort of hoping that this will get better now that i'm back to my diet and will be loosing weight again, because i'm sure a lot of it has just been from not feeling sexy because I put a bit back on... but that i'll just have to wait and see.

The love thing is a bigger issue.

I feel like it could still happen. That one day something small or something big... or nothing at all, will make a light bulb go off in my head that i've fallen in love. But so far, i'm just really fond of him.

And how long is it okay to let a relationship go on at that level?

He asked me this morning if I wanted to come to Portugal in June and stay with his parents. I guess that question really brought it home that we're going down a path that is only going to get harder and harder to break out of down the line.

I don't feel like either one of us feels more than the other. Neither of us has said I Love You yet. But we both seem to be enjoying being boyfriend and girlfriend enough to not break up.

The idea of him meeting my mum... that's a scary one. I have a bit of trouble with introducing him to people. I always feel like he's making a bad impression... but then i've been told by people that I have introduced him too that it's just me being paranoid... I dunno.

I mean, he's a stoner boy. He does ramble on about silly things sometimes, and I cringe thinking people are finding it boring or annoying.

But god... my mum? I mean, I hope she'd see that he's sweet and soft and easy going, and that would be enough.

One of my best friends doesn't like him. She thinks I can do better than a lazy bloke who I have next to no sex life with. I kind of agree with her... but I don't HAVE better, and for now... I just want to enjoy not being alone.

After 6 years of being single, i'm really really reluctant to just throw it away because it isn't perfect.

But then I keep thinking about our living situation.

Should we just move into a 1 bed flat together? Currently we are squeezed into studio apartment and there isn't even enough room for him to unpack some of his boxes. It's not ideal. But it's been really really helpful having him paying some of the rent. Trying to live and pay for everything alone is incredibly difficult on a small wage. I almost don't want to live alone again because of the expense

But if we move in together, it's a REAL commitment.

I mean, this is the big fork in the road for me.

Either he moves out and gets his own place and we see how it goes living independently... and it then becomes much easier for me to admit this isn't right and go our separate ways.

Or we move in together for real, and I start seeing this as a decision with a future.

And it might be a future where I resign myself to giving up passion and love for security and comfort.

Yeah... I just don't know what to do.

You know what you wanto d8.
you just don't want to hurt the guy.

 

[Erzengel]

I know everyone moves at it's own pace, but Hopeful, you've been all over. Moving in right away, while I understand was more a matter of convenience.

How long have you together now a year?

And living together to boot? If you don't know if you're in love by now, I think there's something really wrong.

And while I know you rather have this than nothing, but in terms of relationship, you really shouldn't settle.

 

[Anita18]

Well i'm still with the Portuguese guy, and he's still living at mine. Mainly because neither one of us seems all that much in a hurry to live apart now that we've gotten comfortable with each other.

I like him a lot. I feel happy around him, he treats me well, we've only ever had one fight and it was over in a day.

We are both very similar creatures, and it means that neither one of us has to be anything but themselves. It feels safe and warm and like a comfort blanket.

But there is absolutely no passion. And I don't feel in love.

The lack of passion is getting worse the more secure we both feel in the relationship. It's basically just laziness. Neither of us can be bothered to make an effort sexually. So we just... rarely have sex now.

I'm sort of hoping that this will get better now that i'm back to my diet and will be loosing weight again, because i'm sure a lot of it has just been from not feeling sexy because I put a bit back on... but that i'll just have to wait and see.

The love thing is a bigger issue.

I feel like it could still happen. That one day something small or something big... or nothing at all, will make a light bulb go off in my head that i've fallen in love. But so far, i'm just really fond of him.

And how long is it okay to let a relationship go on at that level?

He asked me this morning if I wanted to come to Portugal in June and stay with his parents. I guess that question really brought it home that we're going down a path that is only going to get harder and harder to break out of down the line.

I don't feel like either one of us feels more than the other. Neither of us has said I Love You yet. But we both seem to be enjoying being boyfriend and girlfriend enough to not break up.

The idea of him meeting my mum... that's a scary one. I have a bit of trouble with introducing him to people. I always feel like he's making a bad impression... but then i've been told by people that I have introduced him too that it's just me being paranoid... I dunno.

I mean, he's a stoner boy. He does ramble on about silly things sometimes, and I cringe thinking people are finding it boring or annoying.

But god... my mum? I mean, I hope she'd see that he's sweet and soft and easy going, and that would be enough.

One of my best friends doesn't like him. She thinks I can do better than a lazy bloke who I have next to no sex life with. I kind of agree with her... but I don't HAVE better, and for now... I just want to enjoy not being alone.

After 6 years of being single, i'm really really reluctant to just throw it away because it isn't perfect.

....

Or we move in together for real, and I start seeing this as a decision with a future.

And it might be a future where I resign myself to giving up passion and love for security and comfort.

Yeah... I just don't know what to do.

You know, I just had a similar conversation with my sister, who'd been dating this guy for a few months after suffering for years trying to save a relationship with an extremely self-centered dude. The new guy was really nice, complete opposite of her ex in that regard...but she found him really boring. She was always the one planning things, and she finds "vitality" attractive. I had to laugh when she said, "How do you ask someone to be more interesting?" My answer was, you don't. You have to accept them as they are, or let them go. And it's really up to you to decide what the line is for you.

I like to joke that my relationship with my husband is really boring, because I feel a lot of people have ridiculously high expectations over what a good relationship is really like. But it's not 100% true that there's nothing between us. Even though there isn't uncontrollable passion like in the movies, he's always inspired me. Always. And along with the unconditional support, I decided that was "good enough" for me, long-term. Then I simply chose to do the little things that keep a relationship going, such as showing affection towards him constantly. It isn't that it's a chore or struggle for me, but I could easily choose not to kiss him good-bye when I leave. Doing it helps strengthen the relationship. That's why I choose to do it.


So I suppose you have to ask yourself - does he inspire you? Because that at least can sustain you during times when you're both a bit meh about everything. But if he really is just a lazy stoner who's comfortably there in your life without adding to it in a long-term fashion, I don't think you have to settle for him. Life's too short to spend it with someone who doesn't inspire you, at the very least.

 

[ShadowBoxer]

I tried match.com on a 7 day trial and I wasn't impressed. I sent out a ton of emails to women who liked my photos and favorite md my profile. I got zero replies back and found out some of the profiles were inactive for a while or fake profiles. I am 27 now and I am tired of being single. I am starting to wonder if there truly is a woman out there for me.

 

[Anita18]

I tried match.com on a 7 day trial and I wasn't impressed. I sent out a ton of emails to women who liked my photos and favorite md my profile. I got zero replies back and found out some of the profiles were inactive for a while or fake profiles. I am 27 now and I am tired of being single. I am starting to wonder if there truly is a woman out there for me.

I've forgotten - what other online dating sites have you tried? I met my husband after 3 years of nothing on Plenty of Fish. I was his first serious gf and he was 28 when he met me.

You're actually still pretty young. Some people don't meet their life partners until their 40s or even 50s. Finding that "woman out there for you ASAP" should only really be a concern if you want to have biological children. And even then, you easily still have a decade before running after a toddler gets to be too much to ask.

 

[ShadowBoxer]

I've forgotten - what other online dating sites have you tried? I met my husband after 3 years of nothing on Plenty of Fish. I was his first serious gf and he was 28 when he met me.

You're actually still pretty young. Some people don't meet their life partners until their 40s or even 50s. Finding that "woman out there for you ASAP" should only really be a concern if you want to have biological children. And even then, you easily still have a decade before running after a toddler gets to be too much to ask.

I am on POF, Match.com, eharmony, Tinder, Sway, Zoosk, interracialdating.com. I am on pretty much every major online dating site ha ha. I would at least rate myself a 7/10 but woman online are picky I suppose. I think I would have a better chance of just talking to women in person than online. It's just that I am afraid of rejection, so I am hesitant to approach women in person. Getting rejected online doesn't really bother me though.

 

[the last son]

Everybody has a better chance in the real world vs online. I've given up on dating. I'm working 60 plus hours a week and don't feel I'm ready for a relationship. Honestly I feel a lot better realizing relationships don't feel the emptiness if you're not mature enough like in my case. I work in delivery and get opportunities enough during the week, but unless the connection is too strong I'm not interested. My advice get off online dating and talk to women in person. Get use to rejection you'll grow stronger. Start asking multiple women out daily if you really want a relationship. You'll grow confidence and will have a date within days. Get off online dating it's a waste of time. Especially if you're black. I'm black too. Trust me.

 

[RetrogradeOrbit]

Hopeful, speaking from my recent experiences with getting out of a relationship which had become seriously toxic...

If your gut instinct is that things aren't working out, then that's probably how it is.
By all means, discuss the situation with your boyfriend. But if you don't get the responses you feel are needed for yourself, then you should end it before the living arrangements become hopelessly intertwined.
It is better to live alone than to be in an empty, unfair relationship.

That is not to say I don't understand why it is difficult to want to change what you currently have.

 

[RetrogradeOrbit]

TLS, I think you make a good point about asking women out in the real world...I've had a couple of nice dates but they didn't go anywhere, unfortunately!

But hey, it's all good practice, right? t:

 

[ShadowBoxer]

Everybody has a better chance in the real world vs online. I've given up on dating. I'm working 60 plus hours a week and don't feel I'm ready for a relationship. Honestly I feel a lot better realizing relationships don't feel the emptiness if you're not mature enough like in my case. I work in delivery and get opportunities enough during the week, but unless the connection is too strong I'm not interested. My advice get off online dating and talk to women in person. Get use to rejection you'll grow stronger. Start asking multiple women out daily if you really want a relationship. You'll grow confidence and will have a date within days. Get off online dating it's a waste of time. Especially if you're black. I'm black too. Trust me.

Yea, it seems it's hard for us black folk in the online dating world. I am attracted to women of all races but slim to none will respond to my messages, including black girls. I am like what the heck?? I am respectful in my messages, I am not some dude looking for boob pics etc. Its weird.

 

[spiderman2]

I tried match.com on a 7 day trial and I wasn't impressed. I sent out a ton of emails to women who liked my photos and favorite md my profile. I got zero replies back and found out some of the profiles were inactive for a while or fake profiles. I am 27 now and I am tired of being single. I am starting to wonder if there truly is a woman out there for me.

I hear you. I have tire POF, match, eHarmony, ok cupid and I have messed to many woman to even keep track of. Like 95% don't respond and the few that have stop after just one message back. I am 25 though not 27. I am not good with people has I have social anxiety only have a few friends and all my friends are guys no female friends. I just have a hard time seeing my self with someone because of how shy and how bad my anxiety is.

 

[Erzengel]

If you're able to meet people in the real world, more power to you.

But online dating is just another avenue for people.

It's not necessarily "easier", it's like any other type of dating. Takes effort and patience.

 

[Anita18]

If you're able to meet people in the real world, more power to you.

But online dating is just another avenue for people.

It's not necessarily "easier", it's like any other type of dating. Takes effort and patience.

Right. For some people, online rejection is easier to handle than real-life rejection done to your face. And I'm an introverted hermit anyway, so I likely wasn't going to meet my husband "out and about." That's why I chose online dating, but some people prefer meeting people in real life because there's no waiting or they just meet people faster that way, etc.

 

[RetrogradeOrbit]

I'm trying to do both... t:

 

[ShadowBoxer]

Well most of you all know that I been sorta crushing on this girl I met through a mutual friend a little over a year ago. If you been a regular poster in this thread then you probably have seen my make posts referencing her. But I will start with a little recap.

Recap

Basically, we met a little over a year ago at a mutual friends birthday party. We talked for most the night at the friends birthday party. Later that night, she sent me a friend request on Facebook. I didn't even tell her my last name so she must have searched for me. Since then, we have only seen each other in person at big social events or at another mutual friends wedding. In the between time, we mostly liked each other Facebook stuff etc. Every time I seen her in person, she ALWAYS hugs me. She doesn't do that for everyone. The last time I seen her in person was in September at another social event. During the event, she made a point to come over and talk to me. Even while she was talking to me, other dudes where trying to talk to her. She talked to them but she ended those conversations fairly quickly to come back over to where I was. But its been hard to judge if she has romantic feelings for me or if she is just a friendly person. Her body language and actions have been a mixed bag.


Update

In October (2014) I had a personal issue going on and was down and kinda depressed. I posted a status on Facebook saying I was going dark for a little while due to personal reasons. She left a comment saying I was a good person and that I was strong enough to overcome any challenges. She also said I shouldn't be isolated. At the end of the message she got kinda flirty (at least to me). Saying I had one week to wallow and be down. She said she wanted to see me after the week was done. I foolishly said you might see me or not. I was still down and dealing with stuff and I think I may have unintentionally pushed her away there.

Haven't really heard from her since other than her leaving me a simple Happy Birthday message on Facebook at the end of November. I saw her last week but it seems she was keeping her distance for some reason. She also hasn't been interacting with me on Facebook anymore.

So did I screw up and push her away? Should I just face my fear of rejection and own my social anxiety and just ask her out? I am 27 and she is 28 so we both ain't getting any younger lol. Go for it or am I too late?

 

[Matt Mortem]

If I hadn't met my girlfriend in college, I don't know what I'd be doing. I have no idea where I'd meet a girl, as I am not at all a social person.

 

[Erzengel]

Well most of you all know that I been sorta crushing on this girl I met through a mutual friend a little over a year ago. If you been a regular poster in this thread then you probably have seen my make posts referencing her. But I will start with a little recap.

Recap

Basically, we met a little over a year ago at a mutual friends birthday party. We talked for most the night at the friends birthday party. Later that night, she sent me a friend request on Facebook. I didn't even tell her my last name so she must have searched for me. Since then, we have only seen each other in person at big social events or at another mutual friends wedding. In the between time, we mostly liked each other Facebook stuff etc. Every time I seen her in person, she ALWAYS hugs me. She doesn't do that for everyone. The last time I seen her in person was in September at another social event. During the event, she made a point to come over and talk to me. Even while she was talking to me, other dudes where trying to talk to her. She talked to them but she ended those conversations fairly quickly to come back over to where I was. But its been hard to judge if she has romantic feelings for me or if she is just a friendly person. Her body language and actions have been a mixed bag.


Update

In October (2014) I had a personal issue going on and was down and kinda depressed. I posted a status on Facebook saying I was going dark for a little while due to personal reasons. She left a comment saying I was a good person and that I was strong enough to overcome any challenges. She also said I shouldn't be isolated. At the end of the message she got kinda flirty (at least to me). Saying I had one week to wallow and be down. She said she wanted to see me after the week was done. I foolishly said you might see me or not. I was still down and dealing with stuff and I think I may have unintentionally pushed her away there.

Haven't really heard from her since other than her leaving me a simple Happy Birthday message on Facebook at the end of November. I saw her last week but it seems she was keeping her distance for some reason. She also hasn't been interacting with me on Facebook anymore.

So did I screw up and push her away? Should I just face my fear of rejection and own my social anxiety and just ask her out? I am 27 and she is 28 so we both ain't getting any younger lol. Go for it or am I too late?

I would have already asked her out.

 

[Anita18]

I would have already asked her out.

Seriously. A date is just a date, and by delaying the asking, you're gonna keep building it up in your head. Unrealistically high expectations ruin experiences.

 

[Grabes30]

Man, I joined here a while ago and haven't come around in a while, ha. So, this happened recently and made me think of this thread:

Ok, so... Match.com. This girl emails me and says she's probably out of the running since she has kids and might be too tall. But then she rattles off all this stuff we have in common. Big hockey fan, big Beatles fan, history nerd, photography. All things she caught from my profile that I love too. Says online dating hasn't worked well for her either and that it's hard to find people, and wishes me the best of luck. I email back the next day and joke that she's only an inch taller than me (*maybe* an inch) and I could possibly get used to the idea of dating someone with kids if I really liked the girl and the kids. Expand further on the interests she brought up in a few short paragraphs and say I'd definitely like to know more about her (ask her how many kids, how old, etc.) and that it's certainly worth shooting a few messages back and forth just to see. I give her my email address outside of Match.

She sees it the next day. A week later, I haven't gotten any reply, and she's made her profile non-viewable as of today. (I believe she can still look around, she just doesn't come up in searches and her profile is not viewable.) I've established that she hasn't blocked me or anything. It's just non-viewable. *sigh* She was really pretty too.

Thoughts?

 

[Erzengel]

She might have been talking to several different people at the same time.

Or maybe an ex popped back up in her life?

I don't think I'd take it too personally.

 

[RetrogradeOrbit]

^^^
What Erz said...

It is hard to not take it personally, but it really is not a personal dig at you, it's just you don't "tick their boxes" or at least not enough of them anyway...

I've certainly hard to develop a thicker skin since I signed up on eharmony!

 

[Grabes30]

Yeah, I agree guys, something else probably popped up. I probably just had to vent a little. I'll never really understand why people can't shoot you a short email out of courtesy instead of just disappearing altogether. It's happened to me so many times I'm starting to think that my super power is finding other guys for these girls just by them coming into contact with me

The weird thing is she says it hasn't gone well for her and less than a week later something happens. Weird. Oh well. Enough about me.

 

[Spitfire]

Man, I joined here a while ago and haven't come around in a while, ha. So, this happened recently and made me think of this thread:

Ok, so... Match.com. This girl emails me and says she's probably out of the running since she has kids and might be too tall. But then she rattles off all this stuff we have in common. Big hockey fan, big Beatles fan, history nerd, photography. All things she caught from my profile that I love too. Says online dating hasn't worked well for her either and that it's hard to find people, and wishes me the best of luck. I email back the next day and joke that she's only an inch taller than me (*maybe* an inch) and I could possibly get used to the idea of dating someone with kids if I really liked the girl and the kids. Expand further on the interests she brought up in a few short paragraphs and say I'd definitely like to know more about her (ask her how many kids, how old, etc.) and that it's certainly worth shooting a few messages back and forth just to see. I give her my email address outside of Match.

She sees it the next day. A week later, I haven't gotten any reply, and she's made her profile non-viewable as of today. (I believe she can still look around, she just doesn't come up in searches and her profile is not viewable.) I've established that she hasn't blocked me or anything. It's just non-viewable. *sigh* She was really pretty too.

Thoughts?

This is so common with online dating. It's a minefield! I emailed/texted a guy for a couple of weeks and we got on really well. Then the messages stopped abruptly. Turns out he was talking to a lot of women and had met someone else he liked. To his credit he did update his profile to explain. It's still tough when you are left wondering why they are ignoring you suddenly.

Online dating requires a thick skin!