The Relationship Thread: Because Superhero Forums are Full of Sexperts! - - - - - - - - - - Part 29

[Legendver2]

I was down a few days after my relationship of 3 months ended. I've only been in two, so far at age 27. I snapped out rather quickly, knowing to make an omelet you have to break a few eggs.

 

[RetrogradeOrbit]

Thanks for the comments so far people. I need to back away, so that's what I'm gonna start doing.

 

[amazingfantasy15]

I'm just going to adopt the philosophy that all women are untrustworthy succubi and wipe my hands of them.

Anita, I've already stuck my neck out and it's been made perfectly clear that I can't trust any woman to be as devoted to me as I would be to her. So I'm pretty much done.

This course of action sounds perfectly rational. If one woman doesn't like me then all women must be evil.

 

[BrollySupersj]

It sucks when you realize, that you just don't know how to approach woman anymore.

 

[DJ_KiDDvIcIOUs]

I have an extra ticket to see Chris Hardwick in Tampa on the 8th and I was thinking about inviting the girl from AA I like. Only thing is I'm not sure if she even likes him as a comedian or if it would be appropriate since she is still early in sobriety

 

[Anita18]

You're having a scarcity mentality here. Trust me, I went through the same thing, it didn't help that a friend told me she's probably the best I could do, so it made me look pathetic thinking how I can win my ex back when it was clearly over (FYI we ended amicably at the end and we're still good friends). When you're so focused on one girl and put her on the pedestal, this always happens. What I did was hung out with other friends who didn't bring me down, and started reading up on game and pick up sites (I'm sure smoe will frown upon it). Even though these pick up sites might not have a message that most agree with, they have provided me a way deeper insight to how the opposite sex thinks and their emotional workings, helping me understand what happened. It helps the process of letting go and starting over.

As far as confidence and self-esteem, yes it does take time. But the first step is to rid yourself of the toxic people as much as you can in your life that are bringing you down, and work on yourself. You can pick up learning a skill you want to get good at, find a better job, new hobby, participate in spartan races, anything that you think will make you feel your own worth or improve on it. Just because you've had many years of people bringing you down is no excuse to not start the process of bringing yourself back up.

No judgement here, but I will say that not a single woman I know would be swayed by the techniques of pick-up artists. Not a surprise, it's not like the techniques were written, ya know, by women, but by men who think they know how a woman thinks because they managed to get phone numbers at a bar occasionally.

But hey, maybe you aren't looking for my type of woman - effortlessly attractive college-educated women with their own interests, which sometimes include reading comic books and going to Comic Con.

I will also say that if there's one good thing about PUA techniques, is that they teach you to stop being so precious about each interaction you have with a woman. They treat it as something you can practice and get better at, which I don't disagree with.

My husband admitted he read up on PUA techniques, and that's something I noticed with him - he was calm on our first dates and didn't make a big deal out of it. He got everything else wrong in the PUA book when courting me. Which is just as well, because if he had "negged" me on those dates or tried some silly line about assuming where I was from, I would have laughed in his face.

Totally agree with you about getting rid of toxic people in your life, and learning something new giving you a boost of confidence.

Thanks for the comments so far people. I need to back away, so that's what I'm gonna start doing.

You gotta take care of yourself, dude.

It sucks when you realize, that you just don't know how to approach woman anymore.

Approach us as people? Or I dunno, see my note above about the kind of women I know and which that would work on.

 

[BrollySupersj]

Well I would of course approach them as a person. I just...never feel like I can take that first step saying hi or pointing out any type of common interest. Self esteem is a high issue with me. I have none. I can carry myself in conversation once the barrier is broken. But rarely ever is, so I just get stuck in the same cycle.

Last week, I saw a girl. My type physically, and was playing a 3DS, I figured she had to like video games, if only just the 3DS. I don't own one nor would play it. But it's still some type of common interest. I see it as an in, a way to spike conversation. But I never do. I always feel like, what right do I have to approach some random girl? She probably doesn't wanna be bothered, abort. Wash, rinse, repeat.

 

[Erzengel]

Cold picking up a girl can be tough and not every one can do it. Others have it easy by being easier on the eyes. Also, it can be situational. Going up to a girl in a club or some other social setting as oppose to a girl who's running 5 miles on a treadmill.

If you're not comfortable doing that, maybe you should sign up for some sort of social club/group/church function or internet dating.

However, in regards to approaching a random girl, the worse she can usually do is say no. Even if she did laugh in your face, who cares. While it may hurt the ego, it's not like she's going to run to the group meeting to report you.

 

[DJ_KiDDvIcIOUs]

Now I no longer operate like this but picking up random women is essentially a numbers game. Let's say there are 100 women at the bar, if you go up and proposition every single one of them there is a very good chance that at least one of them will say yes. All you need is the one, the others who said no don't matter. The problem with operating like this is most guys have a fear of rejection and take it personally when a girl says no. Once you can get over that and realize the more girls you talk to and ask the better your chances are then you are golden.

This also works best for random hook-ups not for finding actual relationships FYI

 

[BrollySupersj]

Now I no longer operate like this but picking up random women is essentially a numbers game. Let's say there are 100 women at the bar, if you go up and proposition every single one of them there is a very good chance that at least one of them will say yes. All you need is the one, the others who said no don't matter. The problem with operating like this is most guys have a fear of rejection and take it personally when a girl says no. Once you can get over that and realize the more girls you talk to and ask the better your chances are then you are golden.

This also works best for random hook-ups not for finding actual relationships FYI

Yep, that's me unfortunately, and since I'm not a club goer, I'd be playing the numbers game at normal places, and with A LOT less numbers. Too risky.

 

[Tilapia]

Need help. Single guy moving into a basement of a family that is moving out. I sign the papers and am then notified that three grad chicks are going upstairs. I tried to downplay it initially, but I'm thinking, "Money", while joking that I won't be able to get my car out of the lot when the girls park theirs. What should my strategy be here? How do I go for it and get some action without making things too awkward. I'm a pretty private guy, but I'm a good joker and like to tease. How should I play it opening weekend? I really don't have a lot of experience with this because I didn't dorm in college or ever have done coed living at any level. Think this is a huge opportunity.

 

[the last son]

Just be yourself. You have time on your side. I would just try to be friends with them and try to date the friends they bring over to prevent drama at your doorstep.

 

[ShadowBoxer]

I definitely take it personally when a girl rejects you. I don't care if a girl rejects me online via Match.com, POF etc but it stings more in person. Because once a girl rejects me, I just kinda get pissed every time I see them or I don't want anything to to with them ever. So that's why I mainly do stuff online.

 

[the last son]

Eh. At least you can say you tried. Life is One big rejection. The sooner you accept failure, the sooner you can accept victory. Real life will always bring results vs online. Start off asking 1 woman out week 1. 3 week 3. After enough rejections you'll be comfortable around any woman and will engage them and know which ones are into you from experience bringing you better results. 9/10 times you'll never see her again.

 

[Erzengel]

Need help. Single guy moving into a basement of a family that is moving out. I sign the papers and am then notified that three grad chicks are going upstairs. I tried to downplay it initially, but I'm thinking, "Money", while joking that I won't be able to get my car out of the lot when the girls park theirs. What should my strategy be here? How do I go for it and get some action without making things too awkward. I'm a pretty private guy, but I'm a good joker and like to tease. How should I play it opening weekend? I really don't have a lot of experience with this because I didn't dorm in college or ever have done coed living at any level. Think this is a huge opportunity.

 

[BrollySupersj]

Erzengle, I dare say you might the ultimate ice breaker.

 

[Anita18]

I definitely take it personally when a girl rejects you. I don't care if a girl rejects me online via Match.com, POF etc but it stings more in person. Because once a girl rejects me, I just kinda get pissed every time I see them or I don't want anything to to with them ever. So that's why I mainly do stuff online.

Yeah, I mainly did stuff online too. Definitely feel for guys since they're usually expect to make the first move, while women mostly drop really dumb hints if they're interested.

Online it's definitely easier. Once a message got sent, I pretty much forgot about it. As long as you don't keep track, doing things online simply casts a wider net, especially if you don't want to be the guy asking girls out at every social function. Depending on your social circle, word gets out quick. At my old job, we definitely knew the older creepers who would try to hit on every woman when it was cocktail time at conferences!

BTW, I met my husband online, AND I messaged him first. So don't let TLS tell you real life is better than online in terms of getting results. For introverted hermits like me and my husband, we wouldn't have met each other any other way.

Need help. Single guy moving into a basement of a family that is moving out. I sign the papers and am then notified that three grad chicks are going upstairs. I tried to downplay it initially, but I'm thinking, "Money", while joking that I won't be able to get my car out of the lot when the girls park theirs. What should my strategy be here? How do I go for it and get some action without making things too awkward. I'm a pretty private guy, but I'm a good joker and like to tease. How should I play it opening weekend? I really don't have a lot of experience with this because I didn't dorm in college or ever have done coed living at any level. Think this is a huge opportunity.

I actually agree with TLS about thinking of them as widening your social circle. Definitely DON'T have a plan of having an orgy on moving day. You don't know if they're the kind of girls who are into that. I lived with 4 guys once (I was the only woman) and literally nothing happened. In fact, I was the house mediator. (Which sounds like what I do here, pretty much. )

And if things go south, remember that YOU'RE the one who's outnumbered. So just aim to be the cool friendly guy, and see what happens from there.

 

[Lord DeathMan]

I can honestly say that reading some of the replies in this thread has helped me out personally a lot. Seeing similar people who have similar issues in the realm of dating helps lessen the load.

But to say a bit about me and get some suggestions would also be helpful.

So, I've been single pretty much my entire life. I've dated once or twice, small things that happened in middle school and who honestly counts that in the world of dating? I was immature, childish and selfish; but, what child isn't at that age? I was more fascinated with how things worked/functioned, playing soccer, reading and wondering when the next time I'd be able to go to the lake and go swimming.

I spent most of high school and college focused on my education. I paid way, way too much to not. I wanted to graduate, I had dreams for what I wanted to do and still (I'm currently in the process for a few) and have been moving consistently for the past few years.

I've tried asking a couple of women around my age where people our age go to socialize and a majority of the answers I get are clubs, bars, etc. I don't drink, not really a fan of the alcohol. I do drink, socially, from time to time; but, never in massive quantities to the point of losing self-control. Tried the bar/club scene, the style of dancing didn't really appeal to me. I'm one of those introverts who finds it hard to start conversations; but, loves to talk for hours about my passions when I get to know someone.

I've also tried the online dating thing. If I wasn't running into those annoying cam models who seem to prowl the free dating apps, I was getting no responses on Match.com, where I paid. I even went so far as to try to get one of the intermediaries through eharmony (at a different point in time, prior to Match), who look for profiles that match your interests, send them a few snippets of details about yourself and then give the introductions for you, for a fee of course, and never heard anything.

My friend says I need to just be patient and stop looking. My dad says something similar. Though his is more like, 'Look and smile, then do something else. You've shown interest but you're not tracking her around the room like a creep or pervert. If she's interested, she'll make a move.'

And before anyone asks, I'm also trying to find ways to garner more friends of the opposite sex as well as looking for a potential girlfriend. So, I'm hoping for suggestions on how/what to do to approach it better to where it's interpreted as such?

 

[Anita18]

I can honestly say that reading some of the replies in this thread has helped me out personally a lot. Seeing similar people who have similar issues in the realm of dating helps lessen the load.

But to say a bit about me and get some suggestions would also be helpful.

So, I've been single pretty much my entire life. I've dated once or twice, small things that happened in middle school and who honestly counts that in the world of dating? I was immature, childish and selfish; but, what child isn't at that age? I was more fascinated with how things worked/functioned, playing soccer, reading and wondering when the next time I'd be able to go to the lake and go swimming.

I spent most of high school and college focused on my education. I paid way, way too much to not. I wanted to graduate, I had dreams for what I wanted to do and still (I'm currently in the process for a few) and have been moving consistently for the past few years.

I've tried asking a couple of women around my age where people our age go to socialize and a majority of the answers I get are clubs, bars, etc. I don't drink, not really a fan of the alcohol. I do drink, socially, from time to time; but, never in massive quantities to the point of losing self-control. Tried the bar/club scene, the style of dancing didn't really appeal to me. I'm one of those introverts who finds it hard to start conversations; but, loves to talk for hours about my passions when I get to know someone.

I've also tried the online dating thing. If I wasn't running into those annoying cam models who seem to prowl the free dating apps, I was getting no responses on Match.com, where I paid. I even went so far as to try to get one of the intermediaries through eharmony (at a different point in time, prior to Match), who look for profiles that match your interests, send them a few snippets of details about yourself and then give the introductions for you, for a fee of course, and never heard anything.

My friend says I need to just be patient and stop looking. My dad says something similar. Though his is more like, 'Look and smile, then do something else. You've shown interest but you're not tracking her around the room like a creep or pervert. If she's interested, she'll make a move.'

And before anyone asks, I'm also trying to find ways to garner more friends of the opposite sex as well as looking for a potential girlfriend. So, I'm hoping for suggestions on how/what to do to approach it better to where it's interpreted as such?

I know absolutely zero couples who got together because they met at a bar or club. I'm like you - came from a very nerdy, educated, ambitious group of people. The folks I know who go to bars or clubs regularly are in the low single digits. (I'm struggling to think of more than one, actually, and this includes my Facebook regulars...)

Here's the list of "how we met" stories among my friends/relatives that I'm aware of:

1. School - my cousin and his wife were in the same circle of friends in college, and I have a number of friends who met their spouses in college or grad school. My old roommate met her husband at an extended education class for teachers.
2. Proximity - a college friend met her HS sweetheart-now husband when they worked at neighboring stores in the local mall
3. Social clubs - friend met her husband in taekwondo, another met her bf through extended social circles from shotokan karate, my sister meets guys to date through lindy hop/swing dancing, my cousin met her husband doing swing dancing as well
4. Social outings related to interests - friend met her longtime bf at a mixer for writers at a comic book store
5. Online - myself and a few other friends. Some from online dating, others through not-romantically-inclined online communities

Given your personal interests and preferences for socializing, perhaps there's something from that list that will suit you?

For me, I'm an introverted hermit who's incapable of being flirty or sexy, so online was pretty much it for me. (I'm friends with a lot of guys, but they all think of me as a little sister or a fellow bro. )

Despite being a woman (which is supposed to be easier, I suppose for the hot ones it is), it took me 2.5 years to find my first bf there, and that was checking on it every 2 weeks or so. (It was mostly luck that he became my husband!) Stuff like that can take time, even if it eventually works.



Your friend and your dad are correct in that it's something you can't really force. Having "a relationship, any relationship compatibility be damned" isn't a goal that none of us here are striving for, I don't think. But it is something you can work toward - joining clubs, trying online dating, that sort of thing. In order to meeting that special someone, you really do have to put yourself out there to meet people, even if it's online. You can't be sitting on your ass wishing someone would just magically find you.

At the same time, I think that having a "friends of the opposite sex" quota is needless and perhaps a little treacherous, depending on your motives. My husband is an excellent equal partner and very much a feminist (albeit an unknowing one - he was raised by a strong independent mother so it's what he knows), and he has ZERO female friends. He simply never found himself in social situations where there were women. Yet he treats me as a complete equal, doesn't treat women as a commodity. He treats me as a person.

So that's really the long and short of it. Treat women as just like we're people, because we are. Maybe don't treat us exactly like your fellow bros, but it's not like we need any sort of "special treatment" or anything.

That's what I notice about guys who have a lot of female friends. It's not like they have any special insight into "how women think." They treat their female friends just like any other friend - they don't have ulterior motives about getting into anyone's pants, they don't panic about what to say or what not to say around them. Everyone's the same. And that's what women want, most of all. To be treated like any other person.

 

[the last son]

@lord. Follow your dads advice. Start conversations with random women throughout your day. Smile and don't be afraid to make jokes. Even if one woman doesn't find your humor funny someone will. If your not great looking either remain patient that you'll meet a loner like all of ourselves or start putting yourself out there. I'm telling you all Internet dating is not for average looking guys with standards. Women have the pick of the litter and real world brings better results .

 

[Lord DeathMan]

I know absolutely zero couples who got together because they met at a bar or club. I'm like you - came from a very nerdy, educated, ambitious group of people. The folks I know who go to bars or clubs regularly are in the low single digits. (I'm struggling to think of more than one, actually, and this includes my Facebook regulars...)

Here's the list of "how we met" stories among my friends/relatives that I'm aware of:

1. School - my cousin and his wife were in the same circle of friends in college, and I have a number of friends who met their spouses in college or grad school. My old roommate met her husband at an extended education class for teachers.
2. Proximity - a college friend met her HS sweetheart-now husband when they worked at neighboring stores in the local mall
3. Social clubs - friend met her husband in taekwondo, another met her bf through extended social circles from shotokan karate, my sister meets guys to date through lindy hop/swing dancing, my cousin met her husband doing swing dancing as well
4. Social outings related to interests - friend met her longtime bf at a mixer for writers at a comic book store
5. Online - myself and a few other friends. Some from online dating, others through not-romantically-inclined online communities

Given your personal interests and preferences for socializing, perhaps there's something from that list that will suit you?

For me, I'm an introverted hermit who's incapable of being flirty or sexy, so online was pretty much it for me. (I'm friends with a lot of guys, but they all think of me as a little sister or a fellow bro. )

Despite being a woman (which is supposed to be easier, I suppose for the hot ones it is), it took me 2.5 years to find my first bf there, and that was checking on it every 2 weeks or so. (It was mostly luck that he became my husband!) Stuff like that can take time, even if it eventually works.



Your friend and your dad are correct in that it's something you can't really force. Having "a relationship, any relationship compatibility be damned" isn't a goal that none of us here are striving for, I don't think. But it is something you can work toward - joining clubs, trying online dating, that sort of thing. In order to meeting that special someone, you really do have to put yourself out there to meet people, even if it's online. You can't be sitting on your ass wishing someone would just magically find you.

At the same time, I think that having a "friends of the opposite sex" quota is needless and perhaps a little treacherous, depending on your motives. My husband is an excellent equal partner and very much a feminist (albeit an unknowing one - he was raised by a strong independent mother so it's what he knows), and he has ZERO female friends. He simply never found himself in social situations where there were women. Yet he treats me as a complete equal, doesn't treat women as a commodity. He treats me as a person.

So that's really the long and short of it. Treat women as just like we're people, because we are. Maybe don't treat us exactly like your fellow bros, but it's not like we need any sort of "special treatment" or anything.

That's what I notice about guys who have a lot of female friends. It's not like they have any special insight into "how women think." They treat their female friends just like any other friend - they don't have ulterior motives about getting into anyone's pants, they don't panic about what to say or what not to say around them. Everyone's the same. And that's what women want, most of all. To be treated like any other person.

Thanks! That's some well needed, much appreciated advice. It's a shame that I let my college years pass by without getting out there and getting involved with more social outings. Usually, it was my group of five-six friends who did things on the weekends and late of an evening and I was pretty much content with that with the load of course work per semester.

I live in a small town so it's hard to find someone who I don't know from high school and about 90% of them are in relationships, married or have let themselves fall into drugs, etc. It's a shame really, some of them were really decent people when I last spoke with them in college.

I'm presently working on trying to get involved with social clubs. I'm hoping to get involved with indoor soccer again this fall, something I've greatly been missing and is a co-ed sport so could hopefully open some avenues to meet new friends and create acquaintances that would grant me people to do things with that could turn into a gateway for yet more, etc. I sort of lost most of my contacts from the old days and haven't really had anyone save one person to go out and do things with lately and our work schedules clash 90% of the time due to my rotating days off.

I'll keep sending messages on Match to my daily matches and such, see what that turns up. Just had to take a break for a week or so, wasn't seeing many new matches that I hadn't already messaged. It appears one of the issues I've been running into is due to my location, there seems to be a low number of people available due to country vs city. Probably should try to get some new, updated pictures of myself as well.

The problem isn't that I treat women any different than I do the guys, I just have trouble starting conversations with new people. I'm one of those who can do well when I feel comfortable around someone; but, who struggles to talk without stuttering, speaking too fast, etc otherwise. Just something I've gradually been working on fixing through the public interaction my last few jobs have required.

@lord. Follow your dads advice. Start conversations with random women throughout your day. Smile and don't be afraid to make jokes. Even if one woman doesn't find your humor funny someone will. If your not great looking either remain patient that you'll meet a loner like all of ourselves or start putting yourself out there. I'm telling you all Internet dating is not for average looking guys with standards. Women have the pick of the litter and real world brings better results .

That's what I'll do. I should set a goal for myself per week to introduce myself and talk to five random women following that advice. I wouldn't say I'm a model; but, I don't think I'm that horrible looking either.

 

[Anita18]

I live in a small town so it's hard to find someone who I don't know from high school and about 90% of them are in relationships, married or have let themselves fall into drugs, etc. It's a shame really, some of them were really decent people when I last spoke with them in college.

I'm presently working on trying to get involved with social clubs. I'm hoping to get involved with indoor soccer again this fall, something I've greatly been missing and is a co-ed sport so could hopefully open some avenues to meet new friends and create acquaintances that would grant me people to do things with that could turn into a gateway for yet more, etc. I sort of lost most of my contacts from the old days and haven't really had anyone save one person to go out and do things with lately and our work schedules clash 90% of the time due to my rotating days off.

I'll keep sending messages on Match to my daily matches and such, see what that turns up. Just had to take a break for a week or so, wasn't seeing many new matches that I hadn't already messaged. It appears one of the issues I've been running into is due to my location, there seems to be a low number of people available due to country vs city. Probably should try to get some new, updated pictures of myself as well.

The problem isn't that I treat women any different than I do the guys, I just have trouble starting conversations with new people. I'm one of those who can do well when I feel comfortable around someone; but, who struggles to talk without stuttering, speaking too fast, etc otherwise. Just something I've gradually been working on fixing through the public interaction my last few jobs have required.

Ooh yeah, living in a small town does make it harder, even online. I live in Los Angeles, am a thin Asian woman and it STILL took me 2.5 years to find a single boyfriend, and he lived an hour away at the time. It's very possible you need to widen your search if that's the case.

Starting conversations with new people takes practice. I'm still somewhat shy, but I've gotten better at job networking when I'm at meetups. It really does take practice.

 

[the last son]

I haven't spoken to my last girl in two weeks after we had a falling out. I didn't care because she was moving in a week. She has already moved, but sent a text last night saying she was thinking of me. I'm leaning towards not replying I mean what's the point?

 

[Erzengel]

To not be a dick?

 

[the last son]

Buddy it's over and don't I need to be the bigger person to know we both have to move on? She's 500 miles away.