The Relationship Thread: Because Superhero Forums are Full of Sexperts! - - - - - - - - - - Part 29

[SuperSanchez]

I'm 16, biggest geek you'll meet and don't know how I'm meant to find someone.

 

[Erzengel]

School?

 

[Tilapia]

OMG guys, I got messaged by a total MILF who is like an 8.5/10 and we are still talking after a couple days. Just got back on POF this week (after a year or so). I figure something is fishy (no pun intended), but this isn't exactly a normal occurrence either. Haven't made any major changes in my life in the past year besides hitting the gym. The lottery is possible guys. Keep chipping and plugging away. Anything can happen.

 

[Six]

I'm 16, biggest geek you'll meet and don't know how I'm meant to find someone.

School. Trust me, once you get out it gets even harder. Forget about your grades completely, just make use of the time you still have. Or at least thats what I should have done. God damn grades.

 

[DJ_KiDDvIcIOUs]

That tells me she's just not that into you. You're a friend, but not and probably never were a romantic interest. Or you missed your window to make something happen, she got confused by your non-action and is saying these things to protect herself, changing her mindset since you didn't seem interested romantically.

Eh, I told her from the get-go that I wasn't going to make any moves since she was early in sobriety. We had a talk about it. I've made comments I'm sure she picked up on that I do like her, but I want her to have some more time under her belt. She was the one that brought up 13th stepping (an AA joke when people with time under the belt hook-up with new people) and I told her how I couldn't do that to somebody. We are pretty open with each other and had some pretty deep conversations. We've talked about sex and what we like and such a few times too. I'm a pretty laid back guy so if all that ever happens is we are friends than cool. Our schedules will be pretty opposite from each other when I start my new job this week but if is meant to be then it will happen. I'm just not gonna rush things like I used to do and see where we end up down the road.

 

[BrollySupersj]

I'm 16, biggest geek you'll meet and don't know how I'm meant to find someone.

I met, what has thus far been my greatest girlfriend and relationship, in school.

Ah 2006....a sacred year.

 

[DA_Champion]

SuperSanchez, I have no advice to you for HS, as I went to an eccentric one.

For university:
- Please work out and diet the summer before it starts;
- maybe get a part time job that summer so you can afford to go to parties;
- do a lot of extra curricular activities that you enjoy. It's different for everybody. I was in the maths student society and in the campus newspaper, I would not change it for anything.

If I could go back and do things differently I'd have ... join a couple other clubs.

*******

I've had very minor success with women in my life, I was almost certainly a bigger geek than you. I didn't kiss a girl until 21 and didn't sleep with one until 23. At age 31, i am possibly the only man from my HS class who is not married. So I'm not the best example, but ...

I know plenty of people who were as bad and have since done very well. You don't realize it now but 16 is very young. Imo, you are young until age 25.

 

[hopefuldreamer]

You're jumping to a lot of conclusions, I think you're applying baggage from previous experiences onto me, which is ok really, people do that sometimes and I understand because I've done it too. It may be that you got a lot of short irrelevant messages in your time on PoF and you carry some irritation from that. I assure you that I would not have sent you a short and irrelevant message, I only send those to people with short profiles.


For example this, you're assuming I'm not doing this, even though I told you I am doing this. If they're interesting I read the profiles and put more time into the message, I already wrote that. You did add the light and happy tone though. I did not actually explicitly mention that. I'm not sure if I do that every time. But it's better to be in a good mood.

That's fair enough!

It's not neccesarily assumption, but yeah I am trying to guess at what might be going wrong based on my experience of other guys who lacked success and guys I was put off by.

If it doesn't apply to you, ignore me

I do know that you would be exceptionally interested in a light and happy tone. I remember you ranked the serious-arguably-grim Noah as the worst film of 2014 :-P .

I hate that movie

It's true that I don't have a great sense of humour. In general people laugh at my jokes, but I don't make that many of them. I'm making an effort, but it's not going to be fixed in the short-term. At my work, I introduce the visiting scholars, and before I was just introducing them as in "this is X, he was previously at A but now he is at B and he will talk about C," people complained that my introductions were boring. I've been trying for the last two months to include a few personal (not directly science-related) facts about the person, and maybe a couple jokes, it seems to be working, people laugh and like it, but it gives me a little anxiety, honestly. Jokes can easily backfire, and if they fall flat it's a disaster. .

I don't think you have to be a funny guy, it's just showing that not everything about you is serious.

It's good you have a solid job that pays well, and I'm sure a lot of women hold that as a high priority. But most human beings want to have fun in their free time, so they want a partner they can have fun with.

I have both kinds of photos posted. I also did what you suggested for years. In contrast I've only been using the professional photos for a month. I'm going to give them an honest shot, say six months.

Here are some recent photos of me, I don't know if these will show:

I'm sorry that the resolution is so high. .

Bluntly - I'd date the guy in the 1st pic. I wouldn't date the guy in the second.

I would heavily advise you to remove it. I don't think it's flattering. I don't mean it makes you look ugly, it's just an weird unnatural smile that to me is off putting.

I'm one of the three people who brought cake :-P I was very excited, I made serious modifications to my apple-marzipan pie recipe and I wanted reviews ... but people had already had one or two other cakes that day. lol. .

Ah, your one of those evil people...

What happened to Nell? Do you mean Spider Nell?.

No, Nell2thaizzay (can't remember exactly how it was spelled). He was a regular in here who posted a lot about how no woman would EVER want to go out with him, and actually tried to argue why this was a fact.

Don't ever be that guy.

The beauty of it is, no matter how many no's you get, there is always the possibilty of a yes.

There's no doubt that I need more social circles. I'v been making more of an effort lately, I went into counselling in April. It takes time. I'm not sure how to go about it.

Yeah I think it's a hard one.

I mean, I met my boyfriend drunk at a party. We snogged. I fell asleep on him. I then didn't see him again until another party. We snogged. I fell asleep on him. He then started to message me asking if we were ever going to actually hang out. I cancelled on him 3 or 4 times because I wasn't sure if I actually liked him. Eventually, a friend told me she'd told him to give up. And of course, then I wanted him, so I went for it and made arrangements to hang out with him at his house.

But I feel lucky because I just fell into that one. I mean, if i'd just let him pass me by, i'd have missed out on the best relationship i've ever been in (we live together, never fight, met the parents, go on holidays together etc)!

What i'm trying to say isn't 'get drunk and go to parties'

But if you are around other people more, you do increase your chances of something happening totally unexpectedly like that.

If your not that kind of person though, then internet dating does seem like the best way these days... because people are a lot more wary of strangers hitting on them than they used to be I think.

I mean, I picture one of those 50s burger bars with a juke box, and a guy going up to a girl and saying 'I saw you from across the room and I just said to myself, I gotta marry that girl'. And in that setting it seems romantic.

But I think in a modern setting, it's either a) a laughably bad line or b) genuinely creepy. Dependant on the guys level of attractiveness/game.

Hopeful dreamer, Anita18,

I have added a few more jokes and situational photos to my profile, we'll see what happens. Thank you for the comments.

Good stuff

I have a question, this is the 3rd night I've crashed at this chicks apartment but we have just been hanging out and stuff. I like her but she is too early in sobriety for me to have a relationship with but I'd still like the option to be there later. How do I not end up in the friend zone?

Stop hanging out as friends?

I've been there before. I used to hang out with a guy till the early hours of the morning laughing, watching silly tv shows and just being good company for one another. We did eventually start a sexual relationship, but it stayed at a 'friends with benefits' level forever.

I often wonder if we'd not spent all that time hanging out in a buddyish way and we'd dated instead, whether things would have been different. Because the chemistry was definitely there... still is. We both often tell each other that we love each other, and it's with this sort of resigned sadness like 'We love each other... but it'd never work'.

It's an odd thing to get stuck in.

Of course, your not going to be able to stop though, are you? You're enjoying her company too much.

Friend zone doesn't exist. Either she likes you that way or she doesn't.

I disagree. Sometimes people can get so comfortable with someone in a friendship that the idea of changing the relationship to a romantic one is just too scary or weird.

I've felt that way several times.

It feels easy with my husband, but that's because we communicate, we have similar sex drives and similar open-ness to try new things. Nobody's yearning for anything more.

I think I have a slightly higher sex drive than him... or at least, mine is stronger, so it's usually me who will initiate first. But it's not that he doesn't want it as much... he's just not as good at expressing it.

If I am physically and emotionally attracted to her the sex will be good.

My statement is you don't HAVE to have sex with someone to know if your compatible or not regardless of your dating long term or short term. Sexual compatibility is both partners desired frequency, excitement, and kinkyness. You can simply have a converstation with this person ( no matter how uncomfortable it is) and find out if you match, no sex required.

Two statements that are just so so not true.

You absolutely do have to have sex with someone to know for sure if your sexually compatible.

I get what your saying. If you love someone, you'd try and be flexible to suit her needs as well as your own. And that's true.

But what I think people are talking about in this thread, and what it may be impossible to do anything about, is your natural rhythms and chemistry.

Like previously mentioned - chemistry is almost ineffable. And your rhythm together... well i've always felt it's similar to dancing with someone. Some people you dance with and even if you are both good dancers with other people, you try together and you end up just bumping into the other person awkwardly and the timings all off

I think you respect for sex is nice, and there is nothing wrong with it. Yes, I think it holds the risk of discovering a sexual incompatibility too late in the relationship and having to deal with a messy divorce, but it could also lead to a really lovely relationship as well.

I do however, think a person who hasn't had sex trying to tell a forum full of people who have had sex that what they know isn't true, is kind of ridiculous.

Trust us. We've done it. We know that you can find someone who you click with on every level, and when it comes to the bedroom... somethings just not right.

On these boards, you are constantly seeing guys who want a girl who likes video games, comic books and movies, etc. If you can find someone who's supportive or at the very least tolerant? You're lucky.

That's why me and Anita are such rare catches

I'm a pretty laid back guy so if all that ever happens is we are friends than cool.

Then why are you worried about being in the friend zone?

 

[DarkSentinel]

So I've found that there's a pattern to this girl, and I'm pretty much done. She SAYS she wants to make it "easy" on me, but it's simply NOT easy not being able to see her or be with her. So **** it, I'm done. **** dating, **** relationships, ****. It. ALL.

I'd rather just fully devote myself to wrestling. At least the pain I feel from that actually serves a ****ing purpose.

 

[Tilapia]

Well gents... I went out with the MILF I mentioned earlier in the thread tonight. Very attractive. Older, not as hot as the profile pictures, but a flat out MILF. Turns out, I ended up friend zoning her as the night went on. She reminded me exactly of another friend I had no romantic feelings for. Bad divorce, the whole shabang. I don't know if I'm going to end up ****ing this up again. Why am I such a scumbag (little drunk right now I might add)?

 

[DJ_KiDDvIcIOUs]

So I'm crashing at this chicks place again (she invited me over earlier) and I'm debating if I should tell her I have feelings for her. She is in the shower now and we are about to watch a movie.

 

[hopefuldreamer]

So I've found that there's a pattern to this girl, and I'm pretty much done. She SAYS she wants to make it "easy" on me, but it's simply NOT easy not being able to see her or be with her. So **** it, I'm done. **** dating, **** relationships, ****. It. ALL.

I'd rather just fully devote myself to wrestling. At least the pain I feel from that actually serves a ****ing purpose.

Yeah, I don't know why exactly she's been messing you about, but she clearly has been keeping you on the hook

So I'm crashing at this chicks place again (she invited me over earlier) and I'm debating if I should tell her I have feelings for her. She is in the shower now and we are about to watch a movie.

Sensible response - No. And stop repeatedly telling us you know it's wrong because of her length of time sober and then asking us if you can go back on that. No one on here is going to be the justification for why this exploded.

Non sensible response - Go for it. I probably would.

 

[DJ_KiDDvIcIOUs]

Well I decided not to for now. Gonna talk with my sponsor and a few other friends first before I make any decisions on that front

 

[hopefuldreamer]

Well I decided not to for now. Gonna talk with my sponsor and a few other friends first before I make any decisions on that front

Good. Sensible option

 

[DA_Champion]

DJ,

How strong are your feelings for her? Before you share your feelings for her, you need to be sure that you have a reasonable sense of what your actual feelings are. I'm reading your posts and I can't tell honestly.

Keep in mind if she is sending you missed signals, there are other possibilities beyond her being a hypocritical ***** who is stringing you along to have a backup and thus feel better about herself. In life, sometimes feelings are in flux and ambiguous, and when feelings are new people are not necessarily sure that they're there and thus may vacillate from acting accordingly and acting in opposition to said feelings. This is what a wise woman once said to me on the subject of another woman:

2. How do you know she did not really feel that way?Feelings are not
always obvious, especially when they are contanstly in change.
3. Even if she did, admitting it is an entirely different matter.

An important line in the sand though: If you tell her once, you're a guy who is honest about how he feels. If you tell her multiple times, you're a stalker.

 

[DJ_KiDDvIcIOUs]

Well I do find her very attractive and she is a touch shorter than me which I like because I'm a short guy but what I like most about her is she is very smart, we have a lot of similar interest and I feel very comfortable around her. Part of me feels like I did when I was in school and liked a girl but back then I tended to get shot down a lot so I have that hesitation when I think about being honest. There have been plenty of times I'm pretty sure I got signals from her but I already said I wouldn't make a move on someone with not a lot of sobriety time and I think hat kind of gave her the wrong impression since I didn't follow through with telling her that I do like her. We have basically hung out this whole week and she has been texting me and asking me to come chill with her a lot too. My big problem is I know she doesn't have a lot of sober friends so I feel it would be kind of selfish for me to say I do like her and would be open to a relationship in the future if she wanted one and then she would think I did all this to try and get with her. I really didn't though, but I don't want things to be weird for her or feel like she can't talk to me or be open.

It's just a weird situation all the way around. It seems like she really wanted me to make a move when we first started hanging out but I didn't and we got close on a different level. I'm just torn because I know I should let her get more time sober but part of me just kind of wants to put it on he table and say, "look, I know your early in sobriety but after spending all this time with you I really like you and just wanted you to know if you felt the same in the future I'd like to explore that option". I don't know though, it just seems like if I do that and I'm wrong about her liking me then it just makes things weird for her

 

[hopefuldreamer]

Well I do find her very attractive and she is a touch shorter than me which I like because I'm a short guy but what I like most about her is she is very smart, we have a lot of similar interest and I feel very comfortable around her. Part of me feels like I did when I was in school and liked a girl but back then I tended to get shot down a lot so I have that hesitation when I think about being honest. There have been plenty of times I'm pretty sure I got signals from her but I already said I wouldn't make a move on someone with not a lot of sobriety time and I think hat kind of gave her the wrong impression since I didn't follow through with telling her that I do like her. We have basically hung out this whole week and she has been texting me and asking me to come chill with her a lot too. My big problem is I know she doesn't have a lot of sober friends so I feel it would be kind of selfish for me to say I do like her and would be open to a relationship in the future if she wanted one and then she would think I did all this to try and get with her. I really didn't though, but I don't want things to be weird for her or feel like she can't talk to me or be open.

It's just a weird situation all the way around. It seems like she really wanted me to make a move when we first started hanging out but I didn't and we got close on a different level. I'm just torn because I know I should let her get more time sober but part of me just kind of wants to put it on he table and say, "look, I know your early in sobriety but after spending all this time with you I really like you and just wanted you to know if you felt the same in the future I'd like to explore that option". I don't know though, it just seems like if I do that and I'm wrong about her liking me then it just makes things weird for her

Well... does it need to be said?

I mean, if you know nothing can happen now, why do you need to say it now?

Can't you just be that line of support for her, enjoy her company... and then later on down the road, something might happen naturally if you're both into each other.

Why does there have to be a declaration of truth?

If you really mean it that you aren't hanging out with her because you want to get with her, don't spoil it. If she's messaging you this much, she's obviously appreciating your time together.

 

[RetrogradeOrbit]

It would appear that I am too nerdy/geeky for normal dating sites and yet not enough for a geek dating site...

Oh, the irony!

Time to give up for a while, let my heart finish mending...

 

[Blind_Lawyer]

I adore my wife. She makes me nuts sometimes, but I adore her like the Queen she is. And that's what it's all about, kids. Finding someone so amazing that you even love the way they irritate you.

Sorry, it's a Sunday in the suburbs over here...

 

[DarkSentinel]

I'm done with relationships. I'm done with dating. I'm done with the whole concept of love. There's no such thing. Maybe there was at one point in time, but it doesn't exist anymore.

 

[SuperSanchez]

School. Trust me, once you get out it gets even harder. Forget about your grades completely, just make use of the time you still have. Or at least thats what I should have done. God damn grades.

No one at school likes me, they all go for the popular kids and even the ones who are geeks like me I don't like because they can be really annoying.

 

[Erzengel]

I'm done with relationships. I'm done with dating. I'm done with the whole concept of love. There's no such thing. Maybe there was at one point in time, but it doesn't exist anymore.

I believe in a thing called love
Just listen to the rhythm of my heart
There's a chance we could make it now
We'll be rocking 'til the sun goes down
I believe in a thing called love
Ooh!

 

[The Squirrel]

So there's a girl I want to ask out at church, but she hasn't been around in a few weeks. I'm correct in thinking that it would be a bad idea to send her a friend request on facebook to see if I can chat with her on there, right?

 

[DJ_KiDDvIcIOUs]

So there's a girl I want to ask out at church, but she hasn't been around in a few weeks. I'm correct in thinking that it would be a bad idea to send her a friend request on facebook to see if I can chat with her on there, right?

Ya don't do that, that's straight creeper status right there

 

[The Squirrel]

Ya don't do that, that's straight creeper status right there

Hence me saying it was a bad idea, lol. Only came across her profile because of facebook event page.