The Relationship Thread: Because Superhero Forums are Full of Sexperts! - - - - - - - - - - Part 29

[Erzengel]

All I am saying is that if you really connect and match with someone in many other areas like personality, hobbies, life goals etc, it's highly unlikely you will be a mismatch in the bedroom.

Sex aside. To find someone you are 100% compatible is impossible. If you can find someone you're 60-70% compatible, you take it and run. I don't know anyone who is that ideal of a match.

My wife and I can go to a game together. But she can't watch an entire season of baseball, basketball, hockey with me.

We read different books. I read comic books and play video games. She doesn't. We have similar life goals, but have different aspects to our personality.

She's supportive of my hobbies but doesn't partake in them.

On these boards, you are constantly seeing guys who want a girl who likes video games, comic books and movies, etc. If you can find someone who's supportive or at the very least tolerant? You're lucky. Throw on top of that similar personalities, life goals etc? Good luck with that.

 

[Erzengel]

The thing that stops me from running right away is that I see a reason why she is acting like this. I almost feel like it's more genetic than personality. She's not mean-spirited, she just acts like that because she feels backed into a corner.

I mean, regardless she's wrong and hasn't handled anything the right way, and if she does find success, it's because someone else is doing the heavy lifting for her, but I kinda feel bad for her and I want to be there for her as she gets helps. I just don't think that's an option to her.

Regardless if she's not mean-spirited, she might not be the right girl for you. If you're not happy, and you've exhaustively tried and she's not changing then there's nothing else you can do. You can't try and live her life and solve all her problems on her own.

 

[Anita18]

The thing that stops me from running right away is that I see a reason why she is acting like this. I almost feel like it's more genetic than personality. She's not mean-spirited, she just acts like that because she feels backed into a corner.

I mean, regardless she's wrong and hasn't handled anything the right way, and if she does find success, it's because someone else is doing the heavy lifting for her, but I kinda feel bad for her and I want to be there for her as she gets helps. I just don't think that's an option to her.

You can be there for her as a friend. But right now, you're taking the approach of a helicopter parent, and it really sounds like you resent "having" to play that role when you're in a relationship with her.

You can't live her life for her. It's admirable that you can see she isn't a bad person, but my advice is still the same. People don't deserve to be treated like babies just because they're not bad people. They still have to learn on their own. They still have to figure it out on their own. If you don't want to play the role of helicopter parent, then being with her isn't for you. Full stop.

Feeling bad for someone is a poor reason for being in a relationship with them. I make that same mistake myself a lot, when I try to over help people. But I still take the approach of only helping those who help themselves.

 

[SpideyVille]

On of the things she told me last night was that she wants to know how it feels to be alone and she can't do that while being in a relationship with me. But that makes no sense because I've been encouraging her from the start to "grow up" and not depend on people for money or happiness. And knowing her the way I do, I feel like instead of moving forward herself, she's going to find some replacement person or activity to distract herself.

I just can't buy that. Last week she claimed it was a quarter life crisis, and that's why she was freaking out, but I've been listening to her and making changes as she asks and I haven't seen one thing that I've done that would make her feel the need to explode and want to throw everything away.

 

[amazingfantasy15]

I am fully aware of sexual compatibility as it most people. My statement is you don't HAVE to have sex with someone to know if your compatible or not regardless of your dating long term or short term. A lot of you all say other wise and that it is hence the reason some have sexual partner numbers up past double digits. Sexual compatibility is both partners desired frequency, excitement, and kinkyness. You can simply have a decision with this person ( no matter how uncomfortable it is) and find out if you match, no sex required. All I am saying is that if you really connect and match with someone in many other areas like personality, hobbies, life goals etc, it's highly unlikely you will be a mismatch in the bedroom.

So, on paper you'd be perfect for each, you've talked it out beforehand, so on your wedding night everything in the bedroom will be perfect. Let's look at it from another angle though, a few years ago, a few years ago, my wife asked me to watch Felicity with her, thinking I'd really like it, I'm a huge fan of JJ Abrams, I like shows with female leads, I even had a bit of a celebrity crush on Keri Russell. We watched the first episode and I just couldn't get into it, but on paper and talking about it I should've liked it. However, you can't know for sure until you try it.

My personal view on the subject is no sex before marriage is an outdated notion. It was a big thing when people got married around 11-13 to expand their parents wealth. They also were lucky to live to 30. We live in a totally different world. People live longer, they don't get married at the first sign of a woman having her period, the marriages aren't arranged.

 

[Ms. Marvel]

I am fully aware of sexual compatibility as it most people. My statement is you don't HAVE to have sex with someone to know if your compatible or not regardless of your dating long term or short term. A lot of you all say other wise and that it is hence the reason some have sexual partner numbers up past double digits. Sexual compatibility is both partners desired frequency, excitement, and kinkyness. You can simply have a decision with this person ( no matter how uncomfortable it is) and find out if you match, no sex required. All I am saying is that if you really connect and match with someone in many other areas like personality, hobbies, life goals etc, it's highly unlikely you will be a mismatch in the bedroom.

With all due respect, you can't know what you are into until you actually have sex.

 

[Anita18]

On of the things she told me last night was that she wants to know how it feels to be alone and she can't do that while being in a relationship with me. But that makes no sense because I've been encouraging her from the start to "grow up" and not depend on people for money or happiness. And knowing her the way I do, I feel like instead of moving forward herself, she's going to find some replacement person or activity to distract herself.

I just can't buy that. Last week she claimed it was a quarter life crisis, and that's why she was freaking out, but I've been listening to her and making changes as she asks and I haven't seen one thing that I've done that would make her feel the need to explode and want to throw everything away.

I mean, you already know she either doesn't know what she wants period (hence the flip flopping), and that she flat out lies to get out of a dicey situation.

You can't trust her. So let her go. Support her from the sidelines as a friend, but relationships require an intimate level of trust that she can't give you because of the reasons above.

 

[Erzengel]

Also SpideyVille, you walking away doesn't make you a bad guy.

There's a difference between being a good person and being a sucker.

 

[SpideyVille]

To be honest, I feel a little insulted by the fact that she would try to be the one who does the dumping, but at the same time, with the exception of her last boyfriend, she has never dumped somebody. They've all grown tired of her, either because they were cheating on her, or because she wasn't "putting out". But with her ex, it took her a month in a half to break up him despite checking out of the relationship, and that was because I started to feel pressured.

 

[ShadowBoxer]

But ya know, if ShadowBoxer wants to continue generalizing entire swaths of people by an arbitrary characteristic and put people into a box, that's up to him. Not like I or any of my peers are gonna date a guy like that.

I am sorry if it comes off as me generalizing. But honestly, from my time out in bars and observing people's interactions and posts from people here, my thoughts aren't that far off from the mark. But as weird as it may seem, there are women that share my opinions and what sex and love is.

 

[Erzengel]

I am sorry if it comes off as me generalizing. But honestly, from my time out in bars and observing their peoples interactions and posts from people here, my thoughts aren't that far off from the mark. But as weird as it may seem, there are women that share my opinions and what sex and love is.

Yeah they are. Because you are making broad generalizations not from personal experience but from outside observation from one social setting.

Just because you spent a small amount time at a bar, and saw people hooking up or going home with someone that they didn't come in with doesn't make you a sage man about town who knows about relationships. Which there could be a whole range of different examples just in some of your "observations". Guy comes into a bar alone and leaves with a woman. Maybe he was meeting her there?

You seem to be basing a lot of your opinions on a small microcosm that you seem is reflective of a larger group.

It's like the posters here who think all women want to date are a'holes because the one girl they liked that didn't respond to their niceties is dating a guy that she once complained about.

 

[ShadowBoxer]

Well there are tons of girls that will ignore the nice guy that is right in front of them to chase after to the guy that cheats on them, treats them like crap, because they are good looking or the sex is good or they have money. But we can't generalize all woman, because not all are like that.

 

[Erzengel]

Listen. Women aren't vending machines.

You can't insert niceties, compliments, gifts into them and expect a relationship payout.

Maybe they ignore the nice guy that is right in front of them because they aren't attracted to them. Would you date a girl who was really nice to you if you weren't attracted to her? Further, why are they a nice guy if the only reason they are being nice to a woman is because they are expecting some sort of reward in return?

 

[DA_Champion]

Listen. Women aren't vending machines.

You can't insert niceties, compliments, gifts into them and expect a relationship payout.

Maybe they ignore the nice guy that is right in front of them because they aren't attracted to them. Would you date a girl who was really nice to you if you weren't attracted to her? Further, why are they a nice guy if the only reason they are being nice to a woman is because they are expecting some sort of reward in return?

If you watch a lot of TV and Film you might believe that women are vending machines.

 

[Anita18]

If you watch a lot of TV and Film you might believe that women are vending machines.

I'd argue what people hear in the real world has far more bearing, and a lot of guys still think that way, and they also tell each other that.

You'd have to be extremely naive to believe real relationships mirror those seen on TV and movies. Gimme a break.

 

[Tilapia]

Okay, so two of the chicks that were supposed to be moving in with me are actually coming this weekend. I've been cooped up in this basement for days now. I got antsy and finally walked upstairs to talk to the lone chick up there while she was fixing a bite. Does that automatically garner creeper status for woman these days, not having any other reason to go up there besides saying hello?

I told her to chill with the thermostat, because I'm freezing my butt off in August of all months. Anyway, I had forgotten her major and had to ask twice. Then after a 5 minute talk, I couldn't remember if I had given her my name, and had to walk upstairs and give it again, (she was like, yeah, I already got your name).

Memory lapses are killing me... do people go through this in their twenties? I have tried to read up on it, but my working memory seems to be awful. Got to be the most frustrating thing for me personally. I also hate it when a great joke comes to you, but the time has already passed (I was going to joke about having early onset dementia, despite it being a very real and personal issue). I understand there is a huge stigma for people my age to bring things like that up, but I know its not just me. It's my sister in law when I visited last weekend, I requested an item in the kitchen and it took her more than a few seconds to recall it, literally right after I just told her what I wanted.

Anyway, I've tried Luminosity, but nothing really improved IMO despite being 90% in most categories. I feel like memory lapses really kill some social interactions. How often do people go through this?

 

[Ms. Marvel]

Listen. Women aren't vending machines.

You can't insert niceties, compliments, gifts into them and expect a relationship payout.

Maybe they ignore the nice guy that is right in front of them because they aren't attracted to them. Would you date a girl who was really nice to you if you weren't attracted to her? Further, why are they a nice guy if the only reason they are being nice to a woman is because they are expecting some sort of reward in return?

This is the thing that really bothers me. When people say "why don't you go for him? he's really nice" to make people feel bad for rejecting a guy.

 

[Anita18]

This is the thing that really bothers me. When people say "why don't you go for him? he's really nice" to make people feel bad for rejecting a guy.

Guys go through the same thing, except replace "really nice" with "really hot." Nobody wins with that one.

 

[Ms. Marvel]

Guys go through the same thing, except replace "really nice" with "really hot." Nobody wins with that one.

Yeah that's true, I was just speaking from my experience as a female.

 

[SpideyVille]

I just re-watched parts of 500 Days of Summer, and it just hit me that my girlfriend is Summer. Like I can imagine her saying so many of the same things. She wants my companionship, but not the duties of being in a relationship.

 

[Anita18]

Okay, so two of the chicks that were supposed to be moving in with me are actually coming this weekend. I've been cooped up in this basement for days now. I got antsy and finally walked upstairs to talk to the lone chick up there while she was fixing a bite. Does that automatically garner creeper status for woman these days, not having any other reason to go up there besides saying hello?

I told her to chill with the thermostat, because I'm freezing my butt off in August of all months. Anyway, I had forgotten her major and had to ask twice. Then after a 5 minute talk, I couldn't remember if I had given her my name, and had to walk upstairs and give it again, (she was like, yeah, I already got your name).

Memory lapses are killing me... do people go through this in their twenties? I have tried to read up on it, but my working memory seems to be awful. Got to be the most frustrating thing for me personally. I also hate it when a great joke comes to you, but the time has already passed (I was going to joke about having early onset dementia, despite it being a very real and personal issue). I understand there is a huge stigma for people my age to bring things like that up, but I know its not just me. It's my sister in law when I visited last weekend, I requested an item in the kitchen and it took her more than a few seconds to recall it, literally right after I just told her what I wanted.

Anyway, I've tried Luminosity, but nothing really improved IMO despite being 90% in most categories. I feel like memory lapses really kill some social interactions. How often do people go through this?

Do you have trouble with schoolwork or work in general? If not, the memory lapses may be from social anxiety. People will often lose focus when they're anxious.

 

[Godzillasaurus]

I would just like to say that the Hot or Not app is BS, just in case any of you thought it would be a valuable dating tool

The girls who get rated the highest are almost always dumb blondes, some of which are actually pretty attractive, but many of them try too hard to look cute and just come off as stupid. The guys who get rated the highest are pretty boys, meaning that if you have any one of these three things in even one of your photos, you will get rated hot (for the guys I mean):

http://i234.photobucket.com/albums/ee136/suwarnaadi/hair/justinbieber-boyshairstyle.jpg (the hair, not the face)

http://images10.newegg.com/NeweggIm...sAll300/A027_129863495188197549RqW3Of6iCA.jpg

https://khairierahman.files.wordpress.com/2009/04/men-skinny-jeans.jpg (the jeans I mean)

http://25.media.tumblr.com/tumblr_ma3y4kEcxJ1rnn07so1_500.jpg

As a guy, you could be ugly as **** and be rated hot just because you have swag. As a girl, you could be ugly as **** and be rated hot just because you are blonde. Just ranting a bit here, and I know some of you will complain about this, so don't even bother responding to this. This was just a rant

 

[Erzengel]

I just re-watched parts of 500 Days of Summer, and it just hit me that my girlfriend is Summer. Like I can imagine her saying so many of the same things. She wants my companionship, but not the duties of being in a relationship.

Summer: I...Tom...I just...I woke up one day and I knew...
Tom: Knew what?
Summer: What I was never sure of with you.

Summer: Wow. Tom was right. You were right about all of it.
[pause]
Summer: It just wasn't me you were right about.

 

[Nardz937]

I just re-watched parts of 500 Days of Summer, and it just hit me that my girlfriend is Summer. Like I can imagine her saying so many of the same things. She wants my companionship, but not the duties of being in a relationship.

Great movie. The ultimate male chick-flick.

 

[Anita18]

Don't get me started about how nobody really learns anything in that movie.

So, so awkward to watch early on in our relationship.