The Relationship Thread: Because Superhero Forums are Full of Sexperts! - - - - - - - - - - Part 29

[DA_Champion]

I'd argue what people hear in the real world has far more bearing, and a lot of guys still think that way, and they also tell each other that.

You'd have to be extremely naive to believe real relationships mirror those seen on TV and movies. Gimme a break.

Think it happens because guys/men younger than say 21 have very limited experience and have not yet necessarily learned that women are people. Once they get to know a few women, it whithers away. What percentage men have at 17 or whatever comes from pop culture filling in the blanks from limited experience.

Speaking personally, I had no female friends until college, and my relationships to my sister and mother were adversarial. I have now had lots of great female friends for years and get along better with my sister. That fills in blanks too. I suspect my experiences are common.

I also think the nice guys of okcupid blog was helpful in being an eye opener.

 

[DA_Champion]

Re: virginity

A friend's uncle who was deeply religious committed suicide on his wedding night decades ago. I have no idea what happened, but when I heard the story my first thought was that he didn't know how to deal with sexual challenges. Maybe the didn't like the chick. Maybe he was nervous and couldn't get it up. I don't know. But he was very religious.

 

[DJ_KiDDvIcIOUs]

I have a question, this is the 3rd night I've crashed at this chicks apartment but we have just been hanging out and stuff. I like her but she is too early in sobriety for me to have a relationship with but I'd still like the option to be there later. How do I not end up in the friend zone?

 

[Anita18]

Think it happens because guys/men younger than say 21 have very limited experience and have not yet necessarily learned that women are people. Once they get to know a few women, it whithers away. What percentage men have at 17 or whatever comes from pop culture filling in the blanks from limited experience.

Speaking personally, I had no female friends until college, and my relationships to my sister and mother were adversarial. I have now had lots of great female friends for years and get along better with my sister. That fills in blanks too. I suspect my experiences are common.

I also think the nice guys of okcupid blog was helpful in being an eye opener.

Perhaps, although my husband has never really had any female friends or classmates, and he's never talked about women only having value because of their looks, or expected that a woman owed him something because he was nice to them.

He did have a mother with a very strong personality, though. (He had a hyphenated last name on his original birth certificate, but the paternal grandparents made a huge fuss so they changed it.) That definitely helps a lot.

Re: virginity

A friend's uncle who was deeply religious committed suicide on his wedding night decades ago. I have no idea what happened, but when I heard the story my first thought was that he didn't know how to deal with sexual challenges. Maybe the didn't like the chick. Maybe he was nervous and couldn't get it up. I don't know. But he was very religious.

That's crazy.

I will also add that you cannot know what you like about any physical activity (including sex) until you've actually tried it.

 

[Anita18]

I have a question, this is the 3rd night I've crashed at this chicks apartment but we have just been hanging out and stuff. I like her but she is too early in sobriety for me to have a relationship with but I'd still like the option to be there later. How do I not end up in the friend zone?

Friend zone doesn't exist. Either she likes you that way or she doesn't.

 

[DJ_KiDDvIcIOUs]

Friend zone doesn't exist. Either she likes you that way or she doesn't.

Well should I say something about that? I don't want her to think the only reason I'm hanging out with her is because I want to hook up later. She's a really awesome person and I've never met a girl I have so much in common with. But I kind of feel like if I say something now it would just make me seem like a jerk. I just don't want to not have a chance of a relationship later because I didn't say something. Not really sure how this whole taking it slow thing works though. Usually by now I'd already have hooked up with her. If she had more sobriety under her belt I'd def would have made a move by now but that's not the case.

 

[DA_Champion]

I got a date next Thursday and I'm excited. We're going to a Thai restaurant that's really good.

She mentioned to me that she really wants to travel to South America, and her profile says she loves wine, so I'll bring some Chilean red wine.

[Restaurants in Canberra are very likely to be BYOB, and also Chilean wine is amazing regardless of your dreams of South America].

 

[moviedoors]

Friend zone doesn't exist. Either she likes you that way or she doesn't.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=HLrQZCDkR7U

 

[Erzengel]

Well should I say something about that? I don't want her to think the only reason I'm hanging out with her is because I want to hook up later. She's a really awesome person and I've never met a girl I have so much in common with. But I kind of feel like if I say something now it would just make me seem like a jerk. I just don't want to not have a chance of a relationship later because I didn't say something. Not really sure how this whole taking it slow thing works though. Usually by now I'd already have hooked up with her. If she had more sobriety under her belt I'd def would have made a move by now but that's not the case.

I think she knows already if she likes you or not.

If you don't want to put a move on her, just be honest, I know you're still going through efforts to stay sober, but I enjoy spending time with you. I want to take you out sometime.

 

[ShadowBoxer]

Re: virginity

A friend's uncle who was deeply religious committed suicide on his wedding night decades ago. I have no idea what happened, but when I heard the story my first thought was that he didn't know how to deal with sexual challenges. Maybe the didn't like the chick. Maybe he was nervous and couldn't get it up. I don't know. But he was very religious.

That's sad. But to say he killed himself because he was nervous about sex or whatever is a bit extreme. It could have been any number of reasons. Maybe he was mental ill and told no one? Maybe he suffered from deep depression. You never know.

 

[ShadowBoxer]

But anyway, definitely made some progress in my own dating life. If things work out with this girl and she says yes to a date I am golden. She's pretty much all I could ask for in a woman, smart, down to earth, loves helping people, funny, uncompromising in her goals, dreams, Morals and just drop dead gorgeous. I mean I know I guy like me is taking a big risk, but from my interactions with her she seems to treat me a but different than the many other guys that want her. Meaning she shows me a little more affection. Them she gives a high five or maybe a side hug. Me, one of those warm hugs that last a few seconds. We shall see.

 

[DJ_KiDDvIcIOUs]

I think she knows already if she likes you or not.

If you don't want to put a move on her, just be honest, I know you're still going through efforts to stay sober, but I enjoy spending time with you. I want to take you out sometime.

That's what I was thinking, but I just don't want to put it out there and then make it seem weird or awkward. She has opened up a lot to me and besides her sponsor I'm her only close friend in AA. I wouldn't want to jeopardize that for her because of me being selfish. She keeps making plans for us to hang out when she has time, she said she may come scoop me up when she gets off work today and she def wants to chill on Thurs when she has the day off. It def seems like something is there to me, but I'm kind of out of my element when it comes to building an actual relationship and reading those types of signs. I'm used to drunken hook-ups and this isn't anything like that. We've talked a bit about what we like in a partner and I seem to fit the bill for what she likes. I saw some pics of her ex and I def feel I'm at least as attractive if not more than that guy.

 

[Erzengel]

I don't think anyone can give you an arbitrary time.

If it happens, it happens. I just don't think, she will turn around and say. "Oh, you have feelings? If only you made a move sooner." But that also doesn't mean waiting a year either.

 

[Tilapia]

Do you have trouble with schoolwork or work in general? If not, the memory lapses may be from social anxiety. People will often lose focus when they're anxious.

Definitely think there is something to that. It seems like I am always worrying about what to say next in a conversation. Where do I want it to go? How can I spin this to get a laugh? I hate awkward silences. Even still, I seem to lose my train of thought. If I focus exclusively on what the other person is saying all is well and good, but I may interject with a question or an interruption where appropriate. I hate cutting someone off, but sometimes I have to, else worry about forgetting to ask that question or make that statement later. It's that real time communication that kills me. Before a date, or even a conversation where I am intent to get a point across, I need to have notes, otherwise I'm pretty much ****ed.

But yeah, anxiety is definitely at play here. Thanks Anita.

 

[amazingfantasy15]

Well there are tons of girls that will ignore the nice guy that is right in front of them to chase after to the guy that cheats on them, treats them like crap, because they are good looking or the sex is good or they have money. But we can't generalize all woman, because not all are like that.

Well should I say something about that? I don't want her to think the only reason I'm hanging out with her is because I want to hook up later. She's a really awesome person and I've never met a girl I have so much in common with. But I kind of feel like if I say something now it would just make me seem like a jerk. I just don't want to not have a chance of a relationship later because I didn't say something. Not really sure how this whole taking it slow thing works though. Usually by now I'd already have hooked up with her. If she had more sobriety under her belt I'd def would have made a move by now but that's not the case.

These two posts may not seem to go together, but they do, DJ, if you have feelings for the girl you need to tell her. Let her decide if it's too early in her sobriety to date someone. The "nice guy" isn't a "nice guy" he's hiding his feelings to keep himself from getting hurt. He's let himself be a doormat/sounding board for the girls relationship problems, hoping that at some point she'll just jump on him. Let her know, she probably wants something more than friendship and is confused because you're not making a move. Either tell her how you feel or start breaking the touch barrier, playful touching or holding her hand. How she reacts will tell you everything you need to know.

 

[RetrogradeOrbit]

Yeah, sometimes you have to just go out on a limb and hope it doesn't break from under you.But even if it does, at least you will know. And you don't have to wonder what if? The rest of your days.

 

[Avenging Angel]

Friend zone doesn't exist. Either she likes you that way or she doesn't.

It does in the context of the situation.

 

[DA_Champion]

Re: friendzone

Don't know about friendzone, i don't like catchphrases usually, but it can be difficult to get a spark, and easy to lose it.

I once liked this girl, this was in 2010 or 2011. I was very excited by her, I told her. She didn't reciprocate. I guess she changed her mind, some time later we went for a small meal at this Lebanese restaurant, we had a nice and friendly chat, on the way out she grabbed my waist firmly and moved closer to me. By that point, I felt no spark, nothing, no attraction, I only saw her as somebody to hang out with, so I left. Kind of rude of me -- she gasped. But what could I do?

There's always a risk of missing your window, never mind there not even being a window which is the case 99% of the time. I recommend not keeping girls "in reserve", don't wait, love is the single most important thing in your life. If you actually want her you want her now and not in 18 months.

 

[DarkSentinel]

I know nothing but the friendzone.

 

[DJ_KiDDvIcIOUs]

These two posts may not seem to go together, but they do, DJ, if you have feelings for the girl you need to tell her. Let her decide if it's too early in her sobriety to date someone. The "nice guy" isn't a "nice guy" he's hiding his feelings to keep himself from getting hurt. He's let himself be a doormat/sounding board for the girls relationship problems, hoping that at some point she'll just jump on him. Let her know, she probably wants something more than friendship and is confused because you're not making a move. Either tell her how you feel or start breaking the touch barrier, playful touching or holding her hand. How she reacts will tell you everything you need to know.

Well I've crashed here at her apartment every day this week I believe. I have been sleeping on the couch though. We've talked about our past relationships and sex has come up a couple of times. She did say one thing she likes about me is that I'm not trying really hard to date her. I'm a pretty low key guy and it's cool hanging out with her and getting to know her. In the past I've always just rushed to hook up with chicks caring very little about any actual relationship. We are supposed to go to the beach tomorrow. She did make it a point to tell me she doesn't care if a guy is all buff and in good shape which is cool since that's def not me. I know she said she doesn't want to date anyone until she heads back to school here at the end of the month so I just figured I would just keep it chill till then and see where we are at by then. It is really nice building a deeper connection with someone than just a purely physical thing since I ways used to get bored going about it that way.

 

[RetrogradeOrbit]

That's cool DJHope things work out for you two.


And as an aside, Tinder really is a cattle market isn't it? Wow, just wow...

 

[DJ_KiDDvIcIOUs]

Ya Tinder is pretty much just for hooking up.

 

[DA_Champion]

I've been using eharmony lately and it works very differently. You can't see "everybody", just a few people at a time, which means the women on the site never find 100+ messages in their inbox. They suggest these matches based off their algorithm. You also cannot send "messages", you can only send questions from a pre-approved list, and this continues with other schemes six or seven times until you can talk.

So far (couple weeks) I've made it up to talking with three and have met one. The second one, her membership lapsed, she sent me her phone number but it was blanked by the filter, it was like " my phone number is ." I tried sending mine coded but I don't know if it made it through, or maybe she doesn't like dealing with encryption. It was annoying.

I tried it out because I was suggested that women are more serious on paid dating sites, if you're spending $20/month you're actually looking for something, and are not just there to goof off. I'll have a better idea in a couple months when the sample is larger.

 

[DarkSentinel]

It's all a futile endeavor.

 

[amazingfantasy15]

Well I've crashed here at her apartment every day this week I believe. I have been sleeping on the couch though. We've talked about our past relationships and sex has come up a couple of times. She did say one thing she likes about me is that I'm not trying really hard to date her. I'm a pretty low key guy and it's cool hanging out with her and getting to know her. In the past I've always just rushed to hook up with chicks caring very little about any actual relationship. We are supposed to go to the beach tomorrow. She did make it a point to tell me she doesn't care if a guy is all buff and in good shape which is cool since that's def not me. I know she said she doesn't want to date anyone until she heads back to school here at the end of the month so I just figured I would just keep it chill till then and see where we are at by then. It is really nice building a deeper connection with someone than just a purely physical thing since I ways used to get bored going about it that way.

That tells me she's just not that into you. You're a friend, but not and probably never were a romantic interest. Or you missed your window to make something happen, she got confused by your non-action and is saying these things to protect herself, changing her mindset since you didn't seem interested romantically.