The Relationship Thread: Because Superhero Forums are Full of Sexperts! - - - - - - - - - - Part 29

[DA_Champion]

My two dating experiences or near experiences this week:

1) I had a date scheduled Sunday, I put it into my google calendar as Sunday and I discussed with a few friends my upcoming Sunday date. I thought I did, turns out I went dyslexic there, the date was today, and I stood the girl up. I've never done this before, it's the only time in my life I've stood a woman up, and it was completely unintentional. I responded to her text asking me where I was, and I said the truth, that it was an honest error, that I'm really sorry, that I thought it was Sunday. She went a little angry, sent me several texts, she complained that I'm a prick, that my behaviour is appalling because I take a long time to respond to texts. I said all of my responses came in faster than an hour. She said an hour is appalling because it was "real time messaging".

I was getting scared, so I sent her the following message, where I channelled Dale Carnegie's "How to win friends and influence people":

I don't think there's a future with us. I am sorry if my behavior has been subpar and I've caused you stress. You deserve better.
I wish you the best of luck in your search for love and companionship.

To which she responded:

I also think a guy like you deserves a girl better than me. I wish you the best of luck in finding someone who loves u.

Case closed, hopefully.

2) I had a date on Thursday night. I thought it went well. She looked like her profile pictures which is nice. She told me what her job, she is a psychologist who specializing in helping adult sex abuse victims, and as you guys who know me can probably tell I am deeply attracted to women with interesting and skilled jobs (not necessarily any specific job). I asked her how she handles the trauma, and she said she focuses on the positive, not on the original trauma but on the good news of people recovering from their trauma, and she gets satisfaction from seeing improvement.

The first hour of the date was very serious, very intellectual, and I was doing most of the talking, not by choice but because she kept asking me stuff. By the third hour (date lasted ~3.5 hours) she was doing most of the talking, laughing and smiling a lot more, talking about her favourite movies and her dreams of travel and how she loves her sisters and her extended family, and what kind of teenager was, et cetera. She said watching Frozen with her sisters is one of her best film experiences, she was so happy when she figured out what the film was about one third of the way through, because she was watching it with her sisters. I talked about my travel plans (the coral reef are my top priority), how I ended up in Australia, how I was a conservative teenager and grew further left in my 20s, the good and bad about Australia and why I preferred the previous Prime Minister, some recent movies I've seen, etc. She said I seem like somebody who's been to places and knows a lot.

We laughed at some of each other's bad prior dating experiences. She randomly asked me for confirmation that I was taller than her in the middle, "you're taller than me right?", I said, yes I am, I'm one of the rare men who writes the truth about my height on an online dating profile. I asked her what she liked about my profile, and she said the fact I actually had a profile and not the generic "I'm a down-to-earth guy and I'm into football and cars".

We started off at a fancy Thai restaurant (which I covered), food was magnificent ! I also brought a bottle of Chilean wine because she said one of her dreams was to go to South America. That was 2 hours. We then spent 1 hour talking at a bar a few doors down. I ended the date because it was getting late, we were the last customers, and I'm always polite to wait-staff that way since I was once a waiter (which I mentioned). I walked her to her car, kissed her good night, more of a peck but whatever.

So I thought it went well. It probably didn't. I sent her a message this morning, as in text message to her personal phone number, something "Good morning FirstName. Do you have a fun day planned?" So a very generic and meaningless hello, but whatever it's a conversation starter. She hasn't responded. I'm assuming she won't. I'm very disappointed, I thought she was wonderful and attractive. But it is necessarily fine if she's not interested. However, I would prefer if she write back or call back to say she's not interested, rather than just not responding. I think I was kind and respectful for the evening, she doesn't owe me anything beyond good manners, but she owes me good manners.

 

[SuperSanchez]

Wanting to text this girl, we talked a lot before but then last month she saw my two messages over a few weeks and didn't reply so I don't want to be a triple texter.. what to dooo

 

[hopefuldreamer]

My two dating experiences or near experiences this week:

1) I had a date scheduled Sunday, I put it into my google calendar as Sunday and I discussed with a few friends my upcoming Sunday date. I thought I did, turns out I went dyslexic there, the date was today, and I stood the girl up. I've never done this before, it's the only time in my life I've stood a woman up, and it was completely unintentional. I responded to her text asking me where I was, and I said the truth, that it was an honest error, that I'm really sorry, that I thought it was Sunday. She went a little angry, sent me several texts, she complained that I'm a prick, that my behaviour is appalling because I take a long time to respond to texts. I said all of my responses came in faster than an hour. She said an hour is appalling because it was "real time messaging".

I was getting scared, so I sent her the following message, where I channelled Dale Carnegie's "How to win friends and influence people":

To which she responded:

Case closed, hopefully.

2) I had a date on Thursday night. I thought it went well. She looked like her profile pictures which is nice. She told me what her job, she is a psychologist who specializing in helping adult sex abuse victims, and as you guys who know me can probably tell I am deeply attracted to women with interesting and skilled jobs (not necessarily any specific job). I asked her how she handles the trauma, and she said she focuses on the positive, not on the original trauma but on the good news of people recovering from their trauma, and she gets satisfaction from seeing improvement.

The first hour of the date was very serious, very intellectual, and I was doing most of the talking, not by choice but because she kept asking me stuff. By the third hour (date lasted ~3.5 hours) she was doing most of the talking, laughing and smiling a lot more, talking about her favourite movies and her dreams of travel and how she loves her sisters and her extended family, and what kind of teenager was, et cetera. She said watching Frozen with her sisters is one of her best film experiences, she was so happy when she figured out what the film was about one third of the way through, because she was watching it with her sisters. I talked about my travel plans (the coral reef are my top priority), how I ended up in Australia, how I was a conservative teenager and grew further left in my 20s, the good and bad about Australia and why I preferred the previous Prime Minister, some recent movies I've seen, etc. She said I seem like somebody who's been to places and knows a lot.

We laughed at some of each other's bad prior dating experiences. She randomly asked me for confirmation that I was taller than her in the middle, "you're taller than me right?", I said, yes I am, I'm one of the rare men who writes the truth about my height on an online dating profile. I asked her what she liked about my profile, and she said the fact I actually had a profile and not the generic "I'm a down-to-earth guy and I'm into football and cars".

We started off at a fancy Thai restaurant (which I covered), food was magnificent ! I also brought a bottle of Chilean wine because she said one of her dreams was to go to South America. That was 2 hours. We then spent 1 hour talking at a bar a few doors down. I ended the date because it was getting late, we were the last customers, and I'm always polite to wait-staff that way since I was once a waiter (which I mentioned). I walked her to her car, kissed her good night, more of a peck but whatever.

So I thought it went well. It probably didn't. I sent her a message this morning, as in text message to her personal phone number, something "Good morning FirstName. Do you have a fun day planned?" So a very generic and meaningless hello, but whatever it's a conversation starter. She hasn't responded. I'm assuming she won't. I'm very disappointed, I thought she was wonderful and attractive. But it is necessarily fine if she's not interested. However, I would prefer if she write back or call back to say she's not interested, rather than just not responding. I think I was kind and respectful for the evening, she doesn't owe me anything beyond good manners, but she owes me good manners.

Sounds like a good date to me.

I mean, the only thing you probably did 'wrong' by most people's standards is texting her right away the next morning.

But if the girl stayed right to the end where you were the last people in the pub, she must have been enjoying herself.

Sad truth is though, sometimes that isn't enough.

Girls get all up in their head about certain things. So while she might have been quite happy and into it in the moment, especially after some wine and drinks, she might have woken up feeling much more insecure about it and whether or not she is that into you.

I turned a lot of opportunities down because I wasn't sure I was fully attracted to someone. Like sexually attracted to them.

I turned my current boyfriend down several times for that very reason.

Some of us girls are just like that. A little bit afraid of a guy being more into us than we are into them.

But who knows, maybe she's nothing like that and she's going to message you back later Fingers crossed!

 

[DA_Champion]

Sounds like a good date to me.

I mean, the only thing you probably did 'wrong' by most people's standards is texting her right away the next morning.

It was actually the morning after the next morning ! i.e. ~36 hours after the date.

But if the girl stayed right to the end where you were the last people in the pub, she must have been enjoying herself.

Sad truth is though, sometimes that isn't enough.

Girls get all up in their head about certain things. So while she might have been quite happy and into it in the moment, especially after some wine and drinks, she might have woken up feeling much more insecure about it and whether or not she is that into you.

I turned a lot of opportunities down because I wasn't sure I was fully attracted to someone. Like sexually attracted to them.

I turned my current boyfriend down several times for that very reason.

Some of us girls are just like that. A little bit afraid of a guy being more into us than we are into them.

But who knows, maybe she's nothing like that and she's going to message you back later Fingers crossed!

I appreciate your honesty.

She's also leaving for a one month trip to North America sometime next week. I told her I'd send her recommendations for my hometown, as she's passing through Montreal, she said that would be great. But I can't send them to her now without risking being creepy, as she's already not responded to my message.

Basically, at this time I can do ... nothing.

 

[warhorse78]

Have you ever had someone you've know for a few years, you got along pretty well. Fairly good friends, had no problem letting your guard down around them, when one day, BAM, you start having feelings for that person? Well, I'm in a slight situation now. It's a guy at work, and we all got invited to another co-worker's birthday party, and while there, we had some great fun with the drinking games, and it was just a feeling that sprung up on me so suddenly. So, when we are back at work, I decided to try a few things, first, I just go up from behind him and hug him, and he hugs back. He gets right in my face asking how things are. This was going on for about a couple of weeks, when it's just subtle flirting, when another co-worker came around and saw us, told us to knock it off, and then that's when he started to get a little less huggy with me. I decided then, screw it, let me ask him out to a movie, and when I did, he was a bit surprised, but he said sure. He asked me for his number, and he texted me first, but it's like all of a sudden, he seems cautious around me. We do have some differences, I'm a white country girl, and he's an American born Haitian, and maybe he's afraid of what other people in his circle might think, but it's just hard to register.

Last night, the work crew decided to have some beers outside in the parking lot, he had to go and drop someone off, but then he came back, and he rushes up behind me and hugs me around my waste and whispers are we still going to see that movie, and I was like, yeah, if you want to. We were all hanging, when all of a sudden he asked one of the other girls if she wants to go to the movie too. Now, with this girl, she's a lesbian, and an African American, so I wonder if he wants her to come along so as to keep the night out friendly, or is something else going on in his mind? I like this guy, but I don't want to be toyed with, and if he's too chicken ***** to stand up for what he likes, that could be a problem too. Now, so far, I can run right up to him, hug him, brush his cheek, go into his pockets and get his wallet, tease him all I want, and he's come up and hugged me, played with my hair, and I have caught him staring at me alot, either be it at work, the party or the hangouts. So, to all you guys, is he interested in me, or does he just feel that comfortable around me (I won't lie, once people get to know me, they know I am a big hugger and will let me give them the biggest bear hugs) or is he playing with my heart? When hanging out, he and the guys like talking about how they go to strip clubs, which I guess is supposed to get a reaction out of me, but I'm like, hey, I worked at a strip joint in my early 20's and I love to go to Chippendales all of the time, and I really love it when the guy has a cowboy hat on, and only that. Then he's like, "so, all I need is a cowboy hat, huh!" I don't know if it's a hint, or he's just being a guy.

 

[Six]

Getting a physical job was the best thing I ever did. I can't go out without getting smiled at by cute girls. One told me I looked like her favourite musician last week. And every time I have to show my ID at a bar, liquor store or shop that sells certain marijuana accesories, I always end up getting in a 10 minute conversation about the ethnic origin of my name, or where I'm from, what I'm up to on the weekend, etc. This never used to happen, so I'm still trying to get used to it.

 

[DA_Champion]

Some progress was made on my front, possible progress anyway, it's hard to tell.

She wrote back 36 hours after my message, apologizing for being late replying, asking me how I was. I wrote back thirty minutes later after (I sound like a 12 year-old girl now), saying I had had a good weekend, and I was enjoying a good Peruvian dinner with some friends.

Speaking of which, have any of you tried ceviche? What a spectacular dish.

I wrote another message, the next day, asking her how I could get in touch with her to send her recommendations, her North American tour is taking her through my hometown of Montreal (among other places). She replied like 10 hours after that with her personal email and letting me know when she's leaving. I can't see her again before she leaves, because I myself am gone those days, I'm going on a work trip to Sydney, to remote control some telescopes.

So, situation resolved and into new uncertainty. I think I could like her, but I'm not seeing her again for at least a month, and I've only seen her once. Her behaviour with the texts could mean several different things, for example maybe she's one of those people who hates her phone, and it's impossible to tell right now, so I won't bother speculating.

Sometime tomorrow I'll write her an email with very few recommendations. I'm giving very few recommendations because when people give many it feels like a chore.

 

[DA_Champion]

Getting a physical job was the best thing I ever did. I can't go out without getting smiled at by cute girls. One told me I looked like her favourite musician last week. And every time I have to show my ID at a bar, liquor store or shop that sells certain marijuana accesories, I always end up getting in a 10 minute conversation about the ethnic origin of my name, or where I'm from, what I'm up to on the weekend, etc. This never used to happen, so I'm still trying to get used to it.

Congratulations man !

I remember being in much better shape at the end of the summer of 2004, I worked as a gold miner that summer.

Physical jobs can work wonders.

 

[Erzengel]

Have you ever had someone you've know for a few years, you got along pretty well. Fairly good friends, had no problem letting your guard down around them, when one day, BAM, you start having feelings for that person? Well, I'm in a slight situation now. It's a guy at work, and we all got invited to another co-worker's birthday party, and while there, we had some great fun with the drinking games, and it was just a feeling that sprung up on me so suddenly. So, when we are back at work, I decided to try a few things, first, I just go up from behind him and hug him, and he hugs back. He gets right in my face asking how things are. This was going on for about a couple of weeks, when it's just subtle flirting, when another co-worker came around and saw us, told us to knock it off, and then that's when he started to get a little less huggy with me. I decided then, screw it, let me ask him out to a movie, and when I did, he was a bit surprised, but he said sure. He asked me for his number, and he texted me first, but it's like all of a sudden, he seems cautious around me. We do have some differences, I'm a white country girl, and he's an American born Haitian, and maybe he's afraid of what other people in his circle might think, but it's just hard to register.

Last night, the work crew decided to have some beers outside in the parking lot, he had to go and drop someone off, but then he came back, and he rushes up behind me and hugs me around my waste and whispers are we still going to see that movie, and I was like, yeah, if you want to. We were all hanging, when all of a sudden he asked one of the other girls if she wants to go to the movie too. Now, with this girl, she's a lesbian, and an African American, so I wonder if he wants her to come along so as to keep the night out friendly, or is something else going on in his mind? I like this guy, but I don't want to be toyed with, and if he's too chicken ***** to stand up for what he likes, that could be a problem too. Now, so far, I can run right up to him, hug him, brush his cheek, go into his pockets and get his wallet, tease him all I want, and he's come up and hugged me, played with my hair, and I have caught him staring at me alot, either be it at work, the party or the hangouts. So, to all you guys, is he interested in me, or does he just feel that comfortable around me (I won't lie, once people get to know me, they know I am a big hugger and will let me give them the biggest bear hugs) or is he playing with my heart? When hanging out, he and the guys like talking about how they go to strip clubs, which I guess is supposed to get a reaction out of me, but I'm like, hey, I worked at a strip joint in my early 20's and I love to go to Chippendales all of the time, and I really love it when the guy has a cowboy hat on, and only that. Then he's like, "so, all I need is a cowboy hat, huh!" I don't know if it's a hint, or he's just being a guy.

This guy is either not interested or oblivious, and I'm leaning more towards the former then latter. Having a "date" with you and him asking someone else is what sticks out with me. He may be one of those guys that you need to be direct with. There are people who just don't get it. Of course, you risk the point of making the relationship uncomfortable or worse if he doesn't feel the same way.

Some progress was made on my front, possible progress anyway, it's hard to tell.

She wrote back 36 hours after my message, apologizing for being late replying, asking me how I was. I wrote back thirty minutes later after (I sound like a 12 year-old girl now), saying I had had a good weekend, and I was enjoying a good Peruvian dinner with some friends.

Speaking of which, have any of you tried ceviche? What a spectacular dish.

I wrote another message, the next day, asking her how I could get in touch with her to send her recommendations, her North American tour is taking her through my hometown of Montreal (among other places). She replied like 10 hours after that with her personal email and letting me know when she's leaving. I can't see her again before she leaves, because I myself am gone those days, I'm going on a work trip to Sydney, to remote control some telescopes.

So, situation resolved and into new uncertainty. I think I could like her, but I'm not seeing her again for at least a month, and I've only seen her once. Her behaviour with the texts could mean several different things, for example maybe she's one of those people who hates her phone, and it's impossible to tell right now, so I won't bother speculating.

Sometime tomorrow I'll write her an email with very few recommendations. I'm giving very few recommendations because when people give many it feels like a chore.

Do that. But keep your options open when she's away.

 

[hopefuldreamer]

Have you ever had someone you've know for a few years, you got along pretty well. Fairly good friends, had no problem letting your guard down around them, when one day, BAM, you start having feelings for that person? Well, I'm in a slight situation now. It's a guy at work, and we all got invited to another co-worker's birthday party, and while there, we had some great fun with the drinking games, and it was just a feeling that sprung up on me so suddenly. So, when we are back at work, I decided to try a few things, first, I just go up from behind him and hug him, and he hugs back. He gets right in my face asking how things are. This was going on for about a couple of weeks, when it's just subtle flirting, when another co-worker came around and saw us, told us to knock it off, and then that's when he started to get a little less huggy with me. I decided then, screw it, let me ask him out to a movie, and when I did, he was a bit surprised, but he said sure. He asked me for his number, and he texted me first, but it's like all of a sudden, he seems cautious around me. We do have some differences, I'm a white country girl, and he's an American born Haitian, and maybe he's afraid of what other people in his circle might think, but it's just hard to register.

Last night, the work crew decided to have some beers outside in the parking lot, he had to go and drop someone off, but then he came back, and he rushes up behind me and hugs me around my waste and whispers are we still going to see that movie, and I was like, yeah, if you want to. We were all hanging, when all of a sudden he asked one of the other girls if she wants to go to the movie too. Now, with this girl, she's a lesbian, and an African American, so I wonder if he wants her to come along so as to keep the night out friendly, or is something else going on in his mind? I like this guy, but I don't want to be toyed with, and if he's too chicken ***** to stand up for what he likes, that could be a problem too. Now, so far, I can run right up to him, hug him, brush his cheek, go into his pockets and get his wallet, tease him all I want, and he's come up and hugged me, played with my hair, and I have caught him staring at me alot, either be it at work, the party or the hangouts. So, to all you guys, is he interested in me, or does he just feel that comfortable around me (I won't lie, once people get to know me, they know I am a big hugger and will let me give them the biggest bear hugs) or is he playing with my heart? When hanging out, he and the guys like talking about how they go to strip clubs, which I guess is supposed to get a reaction out of me, but I'm like, hey, I worked at a strip joint in my early 20's and I love to go to Chippendales all of the time, and I really love it when the guy has a cowboy hat on, and only that. Then he's like, "so, all I need is a cowboy hat, huh!" I don't know if it's a hint, or he's just being a guy.

My gut says he likes flirting with you, but it's more because it strokes his ego. It sounds like he's trying to get you on his hook (see himym).

 

[SpideyVille]

So I've asked this to a few friends and they all seem to say I'm making a big deal about nothing, so I'm throwing out the question here because I need some advice from people who don't have personal connection so that hopefully I can understand why I'm wrong or whatever.

Basically, me and my girlfriend have been doing a lot better recently, but as she was leaving for a 10-day cruise, we both noticed something about a music video she did that her agent put up on youtube 2 months ago. About two weeks ago, he shared it on facebook asking people to help it get to 50,000 views. It was at 46,000 at the time. Last week, after she performed at Six Flags in a small music event there, he was telling everyone its at 72,000 views. At this point, my girlfriend was a little suspicious, but just brushed it off, and I had felt the same but didn't pay too much mind to it. A couple of days later, when she was leaving, he told her it passed 100,000 views. At this point, I really felt something was fishy, so I did a little digging.

I looked at the stats of the video and about 98% of the views came in the last two weeks, but in spurts, meaning it got 40,000 in a day, but 5 in the next 4 days, followed by another 40,000 in a day. I also noticed things like the subscriptions driven being 100 in total, and the number of people who liked it being 105 in total, and the number of people subscribed to the channel was 130, and the average view time was 11 seconds. The most logical conclusion I could come to was that her agent was inflating the views and bragging about it to everyone, and my girlfriend legitimately believed it, saying that its all the shows that she did in the past week that are generating so much buzz, despite the fact that the total amount of people to attend those shows combined were maybe 500 max.

So my feeling is that her agent is lying to everyone to make her seem more successful and popular, without her knowledge. We talked about it briefly before she left and she was in denial at first, but then she seemed to be on the defense and just wanted to enjoy this. So the question now is, since I won't hear from or see her until this coming Friday, is it an issue I should continue to press, or is it something that I should just let go? My personal feeling is that he's lying to her and she truly believes she is doing and her family wants to celebrate and stuff, but by doing this, he's taking advantage of her and if he's willing to lie about this, who knows what else he could be lying about, after all it is a business for him. Now the con is obviously that she feels I don't support her or her music or believe in her, which isn't the case at all. But all I'm asking her to do is talk to him and find out if he's really behind it, since he's the only one bragging about the numbers, but I feel like she doesn't want to believe that he would lie or do such a thing, so I'm really not sure what to do. We are getting better and I'm trying to keep it that way, but now I'm starting to lose trust for this person who seems really important to her lately.

 

[Erzengel]

I'm not in entertainment so I'm not sure if what he is doing is common. If he's doing this to build up following and get her gigs, it's understandable. I mean if may go against your beliefs but is it really hurting anyone?

 

[SpideyVille]

That's the thing, a lot of the people I've talked to about this are friends of mine who want to be actors, and they say it's common to do stuff like this. And if I were to single him out for doing that, it's unfair to turn a blind eye, so I can't really say anything about it.

But then I see so many possible issues, such as my girlfriend saying the video only makes money on Youtube once it passes 1 million views, and knowing what I know from some gaming channels who are open about "Youtube dollars" and seeing how they get millions of views on their videos, it makes me wonder if there is some monetary gain that he is exploiting and not telling her about. After all, she recently signed her contract, and it states that he will only take a percentage if she gets paid a certain amount, but I believe in all of the shows she's done since, he's only paid for her travel costs, which isn't much, because those shows were booked before the contract was signed. So part of my worry is that he is lying about some stuff and he is making money off of it, and this is after I had to beg her to talk to him about taking photos of her, that I photographed and put my watermark and logo, from her Facebook page and using them for promotional images and autographs stuff without any consent from her or myself. So I'm already a little hesitant to trust him, especially since she is his only real client at the moment, and he parted ways with two other singers since my girlfriend joined. It just all feels a little shady, especially with how fast she was pushed.

 

[Hobgoblin]

Things are going well with my girlfriend, I am even thinking of proposing to her. The thing that makes me uncomfortable is her family. They and I have very different opinions about....everything possible. Her father is a racist alcoholic that has cheated on his wife at least two times. Her brother has Aspergers and repeats all of the racist crap that his father says. Her mom is basically nice if more religious than I am comfortable with. Dont get her started on gays. I'm sure they see me as a liberal lunatic.

Kerri, my girlfriend, sent me a message today saying that a house is for sale across the street from her parents and it is only $109,000. Their town is small, (7,000 people and in the country) and the schools arent great. Kerri wants to have kids and even though I'm not crazy about them, they will probably happen. My thing is, if we have kids, I want them to have a great education and exposure to a wide variety of different people of different backgrounds. The thing is, there arent a whole lot of good job openings around and the town is one of the cheapest around. Still, who knows? Maybe it will be sold before we even have a chance to look into it.

I'm in my 30s and still living with my father. You have no idea how badly I want to move out. I guess I'm just venting.

 

[Erzengel]

I'm all for love.

However, be careful how much you "compromise".

I'm sure you love her. If you're not crazy for kids, which a lot of people are but consider you may feel different about your own kids. However, if you aren't and add to that she wants to move to an area that you're not into, that can lead to resentment. And unhappiness in work (if you're at a job you dislike), can bleed into relationships especially if you feel like even when you get home, you're unhappy because you don't like the area.

 

[Hobgoblin]

Yeah, I totally get that. I am definitely afraid of over compromising. She is really excited about the house and is going to talk to the owner about our situation tomorrow. I'm kinda hoping it gets sold quickly. Kerri is very close to her family, as her extended family disowned them after the affairs. On one hand she has said that she would love to leave her little town (but isnt as crazy about living closer to Chicago like I would like) but seems to really like the idea of buying this house. It just kind of leaves my stomach in a knot.

 

[Erzengel]

Buying a house is a big deal whether it's by yourself or with someone.

Have you tried talking to her instead of hoping that the house is bought?

 

[Hobgoblin]

She just dropped this on me about an hour ago. I told her I would prefer that we have real jobs before we get a house. (We both work retail, its how we met.) She agreed that we need better jobs but is hoping her parents will buy it for us just like her grandparents bought the house that her parents have. She is really excited. She gets like this.

 

[DarkSentinel]

Screw relationships. We live in a vain, materialistic world where the only things that matter are money and physical attraction. Nothing matters anymore. The old ways are dead. Love simply doesn't exist anymore, and if it ever did it's gone the way of the dinosaurs.

 

[Anita18]

She just dropped this on me about an hour ago. I told her I would prefer that we have real jobs before we get a house. (We both work retail, its how we met.) She agreed that we need better jobs but is hoping her parents will buy it for us just like her grandparents bought the house that her parents have. She is really excited. She gets like this.

You NEED to talk to her about this house. I let my husband shop for an apartment because he's pickier than me, but he knew my public transit stipulations.

Buying a wedding dress without his input is one thing. (And my husband knew about and was ok with the idea of us getting married.) Getting a HOUSE across from her icky parents with bad schools without your input is quite another.

If your solution to this is to pray that the house gets sold before she organizes something for it, because you're extremely hesitant about discussing something like this with your gf, you SHOULD NOT be getting married. Period.

 

[Hobgoblin]

You NEED to talk to her about this house. I let my husband shop for an apartment because he's pickier than me, but he knew my public transit stipulations.

Buying a wedding dress without his input is one thing. (And my husband knew about and was ok with the idea of us getting married.) Getting a HOUSE across from her icky parents with bad schools without your input is quite another.

If your solution to this is to pray that the house gets sold before she organizes something for it, because you're extremely hesitant about discussing something like this with your gf, you SHOULD NOT be getting married. Period.

She could tell that I was uncomfortable by my lack of messaging back. I reminded her that I wanted to live closer to the city and basically gave her every reason to not get the house short of telling her about my discomfort with her parents. (She hates her dad but idolizes her mother, so saying that I have a sort of Cold War going with her mom won't be easy.) Anyway, her dad wants me to pay at least $10,000 towards a down payment, which I don't have. Her folks have an ulterior motive, in that they want a second mortgage as a tax break.

 

[Erzengel]

She could tell is not the same as talking to her about the house. I know she just dropped this on your yesterday but this is a HUGE issue. I often joke that we entered in a more binding contract getting a house together than when we actually got married.

I know it's different because they'd put down the down payment, but you still have to probably pay the monthlies? Since you're assuming they want a tax break, that means you're essentially renting the place. It's an issue, because you have to pay the utilities, cable, internet and monthly mortgage with taxes and insurance to your "future inlaws".

I have a feeling you keep a lot in. Probably way more than you should. Stuff that you hope will just work out. Anita has a point, you seem hesitant to discuss some issues that really bother you with your gf. Is it because you're afraid of losing her?

 

[SpideyVille]

When my brother got his girlfriend pregnant, he started spending more time at her apartment while she lived with her parents. After their second kid, they moved out and rented a part of a private house that her parents had bought and were living in. The reason was because their kids were young, and even though she wasn't working, she still wanted to be close to her family so people she knows could take care of her kids. But once school became an issue, my brother convinced her to move close to our apartment, since the school we lived next to was the same school my brother, sister and I went to. Her stipulation was that every weekend they had to go spend a day with her family.

Family is important to some people and they might never want to be too far away. That's the issue I have with my girlfriend, and one of the things that I don't know if she truly understands. She feels family is important, and her grandmother lives 5 mins away in the same apartment complex, but when I bought up the idea of possibly moving in together a while back, once we got stable on our own, she was very hesitant. I don't like my family at all and want to get away, but don't have the funds. In her case, as much as she hates sharing a room with her teenage brother, she still sounds like she feels like she needs to be as close to her family as possible and this bothers me because I already feel like she doesn't know what its like to be independent, based on fear, and basically allows her life to be dictated by her mother because she is a "person of authority". What's worse is that her mother throws the word "control" around a lot, when referencing her ex and now me, yet she a has a lot of controlling tendencies herself, but that's a battle I can't get involved in because my girlfriend thinks I hate her mother.

So I can definitely relate to you Hob, and I agree that this is a serious issue that needs to be discussed by both of you before a decision is made. And if you financially can't, then you can't, and I hope she is understanding of that instead of suggesting you guys take out a loan or something.

 

[Hobgoblin]

She could tell is not the same as talking to her about the house. I know she just dropped this on your yesterday but this is a HUGE issue. I often joke that we entered in a more binding contract getting a house together than when we actually got married.

I know it's different because they'd put down the down payment, but you still have to probably pay the monthlies? Since you're assuming they want a tax break, that means you're essentially renting the place. It's an issue, because you have to pay the utilities, cable, internet and monthly mortgage with taxes and insurance to your "future inlaws".

I have a feeling you keep a lot in. Probably way more than you should. Stuff that you hope will just work out. Anita has a point, you seem hesitant to discuss some issues that really bother you with your gf. Is it because you're afraid of losing her?

The money is a big issue. Yes, we would essentially be renting the place and we both work part time for not a lot of money. She says it would "only be $500 a month" but that is still a lot.
And you are all right, I admit I keep a lot in. I've always been that way, well before I met Kerri. It doesn't help that she thinks her mom is a saint that loves me and I think she gives me dirty looks, makes catty comments and called me a moron when she thought I was asleep.
I just never thought a damn house would go for sale across the street from her family.

 

[STARMAN]

Reading some of these relationship problems makes me feel better about being single.