The Relationship Thread: Because Superhero Forums are Full of Sexperts! - - - - - - - - - - Part 29

[SpideyVille]

One of the things I tell her often is that, in my honest opinion, I don't see any difference between her and her 17 year old brother. The only difference I see really is that the mother is more forgiving with him, but that's mostly due to her fear that he will beat her if he ever gets in a frustration rage. She really caters to him more, and if he's not happy, everyone else has to adjust, which is why I get mad at how my girlfriend becomes "Cinderella" and it's her responsibility to do all the chores and leave him alone.

But her brother at least tries to fight for individuality, and I really see a lot of myself in him. Like when they're planning a trip, and their mother wants them to pack days in advance, if he doesn't, she will pack clothes for him, and a fight will start. And with him, he's more physical than my girlfriend, so he will blackout and end up hitting people will getting in his way. In all the fights I've had with my girlfriend, she's only hit me one, and she immediately snapped out of it. I've forgiven her, but I don't think she ever forgave herself.

But last night, she had a breakdown because of her brother. They went to the movies and on the way back home, he asked for money to buy an iTunes card, and she said that was the last $10 she had in her wallet, and his response "So, it's not like we're broke" really triggered her and she broke down. She spoke to her mom and told her how she doesn't want to rely on her mother anymore, and she feels like she should be contributing, especially since now she's not in school and isn't doing anything. Before, her mother's request was she will pay for school as long as my girlfriend does well, which is similar to me offering to help her academically as long as I know she's putting it to good use. Her mother seemed to be pretty understanding and told her that her boyfriend could help her get a job in the meantime until she finds something better (which I explained earlier I'm a little weary about).

But it's cases like this where I see her wanting to mature. It's like she gets to that door and run away at the last minute, but she knows in the back of her mind, like I did, that it's inevitable. And this also makes me wonder, is her mother controlling her, or does she need someone to control her. And I feel like she needs her surrounding to define her, and I'm hoping she breaks out of that because she did that with me at first, and it's a criticism I know her mom has a made about her in the past with other guys. Like she's into cosplaying now, and part of me is scared because I feel like that's an interest she won't have if I'm not around, even though she is kinda a comic nerd, and in that case, it feels like she has someone who supports her enough for her to do something she really wanted to do for a long time.

 

[DarkSentinel]

People just don't get it, do they? The pursuit of a meaningful relationship in this day and age is a futile endeavor. Trust someone who knows firsthand, the only thing awaiting you in the end is a broken heart and a crushed spirit.

 

[Erzengel]

Yeah don't trust the other people who are in relationships.

 

[Erzengel]

One of the things I tell her often is that, in my honest opinion, I don't see any difference between her and her 17 year old brother. The only difference I see really is that the mother is more forgiving with him, but that's mostly due to her fear that he will beat her if he ever gets in a frustration rage. She really caters to him more, and if he's not happy, everyone else has to adjust, which is why I get mad at how my girlfriend becomes "Cinderella" and it's her responsibility to do all the chores and leave him alone.

But her brother at least tries to fight for individuality, and I really see a lot of myself in him. Like when they're planning a trip, and their mother wants them to pack days in advance, if he doesn't, she will pack clothes for him, and a fight will start. And with him, he's more physical than my girlfriend, so he will blackout and end up hitting people will getting in his way. In all the fights I've had with my girlfriend, she's only hit me one, and she immediately snapped out of it. I've forgiven her, but I don't think she ever forgave herself.

But last night, she had a breakdown because of her brother. They went to the movies and on the way back home, he asked for money to buy an iTunes card, and she said that was the last $10 she had in her wallet, and his response "So, it's not like we're broke" really triggered her and she broke down. She spoke to her mom and told her how she doesn't want to rely on her mother anymore, and she feels like she should be contributing, especially since now she's not in school and isn't doing anything. Before, her mother's request was she will pay for school as long as my girlfriend does well, which is similar to me offering to help her academically as long as I know she's putting it to good use. Her mother seemed to be pretty understanding and told her that her boyfriend could help her get a job in the meantime until she finds something better (which I explained earlier I'm a little weary about).

But it's cases like this where I see her wanting to mature. It's like she gets to that door and run away at the last minute, but she knows in the back of her mind, like I did, that it's inevitable. And this also makes me wonder, is her mother controlling her, or does she need someone to control her. And I feel like she needs her surrounding to define her, and I'm hoping she breaks out of that because she did that with me at first, and it's a criticism I know her mom has a made about her in the past with other guys. Like she's into cosplaying now, and part of me is scared because I feel like that's an interest she won't have if I'm not around, even though she is kinda a comic nerd, and in that case, it feels like she has someone who supports her enough for her to do something she really wanted to do for a long time.

You're not Galahad.

You can't try and shield and protection and be Mr. Wonderful and solve all her problems. She has to realize or figure it out for herself. You've talked to her and it appears her mother has talked to her about her behavior and her choices.

If she keeps making the same mistakes, it's not because you didn't tell her thirteen times instead of twelve times. You can't help someone who chooses not to receive help.

You also can't change her. She is going to want to change. And you constantly trying to "help" her after a while, will feel like nagging regardless of your intentions.

So again, be supportive and deal with her as is and try to help her along the way OR move on.

 

[DarkSentinel]

Yeah don't trust the other people who are in relationships.

I don't. Most "relationships" are based on a lie anyway.

 

[Erzengel]

Because a few girls spurned your advances, and your most recent dating experience was a compatibility issue where you needed a lot more attention than she was willing to give?

Dating can suck but don't turn into one of these posters who complain about women and relationships because of lack of real experience.

 

[DarkSentinel]

I'm not allowed any "real experience" because we live in a vain, materialistic world in which I'm too unattractive to be allowed to date.

 

[DarkSentinel]

Besides, everyone in a relationship is attractive. It was up to me to keep her attention but because I wasn't attractive enough I failed. If I were attractive enough I wouldn't be so miserable right now. It's my fault for being an ugly ****.

 

[Anita18]

Besides, everyone in a relationship is attractive. It was up to me to keep her attention but because I wasn't attractive enough I failed. If I were attractive enough I wouldn't be so miserable right now. It's my fault for being an ugly ****.

I have a very attractive friend in her 30s who's never had a bf. It's because she thinks like you do - that she's not young or pretty enough to be in a relationship and that men are awful and can't be trusted. But she is objectively more attractive than me. (Certainly fits the Asian standard of beauty more than I do.) Men hit on her all the damn time. It's just that she's too closed off to give any of them a chance. Anyone who hits on her is automatically a creep. Nothing's going to work out unless she becomes more trusting.

I'm a 5/6 according to the people on POF, and my husband acts like I'm a 10. Beauty is in the eye of the beholder, and personality counts for a lot.

 

[DarkSentinel]

Unfortunately we live in a world where people see and care about what's on the outside first, and if you're attractive enough THEN they'll get to know your personality. So if I'm not attractive enough for someone to even approach and get to know me, what's the point of trying?

 

[Erzengel]

And it's not like there is a coalition of women or men that give a joint consensus grade to everyone.

Let me look at my database, there's Erz, he's a certified 7.

Who cares if everyone person until today, has turned you down. As long as you can find one person, that's all that should matter.

And yes, it sucks because some others can find it quicker than others, the key is to keep trying and looking.

 

[DarkSentinel]

The point is to know when you're beaten, and to try and salvage whatever is left of yourself.

Sadly for me there's nothing left but bitterness and contempt, because women refused to see my heart. They only care about how good you look or how much you have, and nothing's going to change that. I've tried for fifteen years to find the one, and if I haven't found her by now then I will never find her. Which leaves the only option being declaring absolute, apocalyptic war on a vain and materialistic world for victimizing those like me because we're not pretty enough.

They're all going to burn.

 

[Erzengel]

It's like everything else, did you give up in school because other students, subjects came a lot easier to them? You don't quit school because someone doesn't need to study Calculus because it comes easier to them. You just have to study more.

Neither of us are Chris Evans.

We probably have to work a little harder to find someone. Generalizing a gender doesn't help either. Are you that all about what's inside and heart that you gave average looking women a chance?

 

[DarkSentinel]

You don't see the world I know, Erz. Then again, someone finds you attractive so how could you?

 

[Erzengel]

Me being married now, doesn't help me scrambling for a date for prom or me being the 3rd wheel for years while my friends had significant others.

I can empathize.

But meeting someone was important enough to me, that I kept trying.

If you want to give up, or wait for someone to fall in your lap that's your prerogative. But it's hard to garner sympathy if just don't try.

 

[guitarsingerguy]

DarkSentinel, you are WAYYYY too ****ing bitter. It's been a long time since I've been in this thread, but man, with that kind of outlook no woman will wanna be with that. Looks really aren't everything. Women respond to confidence more than anything, and that's something you're obviously lacking, buddy. You need to work on that first. Everything else will come.

 

[RetrogradeOrbit]

Unfortunately we live in a world where people see and care about what's on the outside first, and if you're attractive enough THEN they'll get to know your personality. So if I'm not attractive enough for someone to even approach and get to know me, what's the point of trying?

I sympathise with this, I really do. But the truth is that there really is someone out there for just about everyone. You just have to keep looking.

Believe me when I say that I have had a lot of rejections and I used to take each and every one very personally.
But in the end I had a simple realisation. They didn't know me and were basing their rejection on just how I looked.
But I now know that I'm a pretty decent guy and I just need to find someone who actually sees that in me.
It does help that I have a handful of friends who have told me, at great length, what a good person I am inside and how someone would be lucky to have me.
But I've only recently come to believe them and I think that now comes across in how I am in my search to find a lady to share my life with.Perhaps that makes me seem more confident, because I now believe in myself the same as my friends believe in me.


I'm still looking, but I am more optimistic than ever that it will happen one day.


Don't give up...

 

[Mechanix]

The point is to know when you're beaten, and to try and salvage whatever is left of yourself.

Sadly for me there's nothing left but bitterness and contempt, because women refused to see my heart. They only care about how good you look or how much you have, and nothing's going to change that. I've tried for fifteen years to find the one, and if I haven't found her by now then I will never find her. Which leaves the only option being declaring absolute, apocalyptic war on a vain and materialistic world for victimizing those like me because we're not pretty enough.

They're all going to burn.

Dude

This post makes you sound like you're about to take an assault rifle to a city street and gun down all the women you see.

Get a hold of yourself.

 

[SuperFerret]

Yeah... so which authorities should we be reporting this to, anyway?

 

[BrollySupersj]

Wow wait, he's banned now? Because of the posts he's been making in here?

 

[TheBat812]

I hope not. That kid sounded like he legitimately needs help, and closing off an outlet for him doesn't sound helpful for a guy clearly lacking self confidence. Unless he's a troll.

But he really sounds like a person who needs to focus on improving himself and worrying less about others. People in general, not just women, respond to self confident people.

 

[Marvolo]

I hope not. That kid sounded like he legitimately needs help, and closing off an outlet for him doesn't sound helpful for a guy clearly lacking self confidence. Unless he's a troll.

But he really sounds like a person who needs to focus on improving himself and worrying less about others. People in general, not just women, respond to self confident people.

DS isn't a troll. He's posted about this stuff in the Lounge before. He has some real self-esteem issues and a whole hell of a lot of self-loathing where relationships are concerned. A number of us have tried to talk him down and boost his morale before, but he is dead set on the notion that he is a hopeless case who will never be loved by a woman. Its pretty sad, and he needs some sort of counseling or maybe even medication to help him out.

I can kind of relate. I don't get as down as he does, but I can be obsessive about a girl. And I've run more than one off by being that way. Just came on way too strong too fast, and based on what DS has posted in the Lounge a while back he seemed to have done something similar to the last girl he tried to date. The girl got to where she wasn't responding to his texts and he began to make posts like the ones he made in here.

 

[guitarsingerguy]

Wow wait, he's banned now? Because of the posts he's been making in here?

Well, that last bit in his last post was a bit extreme. How old is he anyway? I know he said he's been searching for 15 years. I hope that doesn't mean he's a 15 year old kid cause to be THAT jaded at that age is not a good sign. He's just got a lot of maturing to do.

 

[Fallen Angel]

Well, that last bit in his last post was a bit extreme. How old is he anyway? I know he said he's been searching for 15 years. I hope that doesn't mean he's a 15 year old kid cause to be THAT jaded at that age is not a good sign. He's just got a lot of maturing to do.

I remember Senty saying our birthdays aren't that far apart. I'm 28 so pretty sure we're the same age.

 

[Marvolo]

I remember him saying he was 28 too.