The Relationship Thread: Because Superhero Forums are Full of Sexperts! - - - - - - - - - - Part 29

[Black Narcissus]

One of the things I tell her often is that, in my honest opinion, I don't see any difference between her and her 17 year old brother. The only difference I see really is that the mother is more forgiving with him, but that's mostly due to her fear that he will beat her if he ever gets in a frustration rage. She really caters to him more, and if he's not happy, everyone else has to adjust, which is why I get mad at how my girlfriend becomes "Cinderella" and it's her responsibility to do all the chores and leave him alone.

But her brother at least tries to fight for individuality, and I really see a lot of myself in him. Like when they're planning a trip, and their mother wants them to pack days in advance, if he doesn't, she will pack clothes for him, and a fight will start. And with him, he's more physical than my girlfriend, so he will blackout and end up hitting people will getting in his way. In all the fights I've had with my girlfriend, she's only hit me one, and she immediately snapped out of it. I've forgiven her, but I don't think she ever forgave herself.

But last night, she had a breakdown because of her brother. They went to the movies and on the way back home, he asked for money to buy an iTunes card, and she said that was the last $10 she had in her wallet, and his response "So, it's not like we're broke" really triggered her and she broke down. She spoke to her mom and told her how she doesn't want to rely on her mother anymore, and she feels like she should be contributing, especially since now she's not in school and isn't doing anything. Before, her mother's request was she will pay for school as long as my girlfriend does well, which is similar to me offering to help her academically as long as I know she's putting it to good use. Her mother seemed to be pretty understanding and told her that her boyfriend could help her get a job in the meantime until she finds something better (which I explained earlier I'm a little weary about).

But it's cases like this where I see her wanting to mature. It's like she gets to that door and run away at the last minute, but she knows in the back of her mind, like I did, that it's inevitable. And this also makes me wonder, is her mother controlling her, or does she need someone to control her. And I feel like she needs her surrounding to define her, and I'm hoping she breaks out of that because she did that with me at first, and it's a criticism I know her mom has a made about her in the past with other guys. Like she's into cosplaying now, and part of me is scared because I feel like that's an interest she won't have if I'm not around, even though she is kinda a comic nerd, and in that case, it feels like she has someone who supports her enough for her to do something she really wanted to do for a long time.

Isn't your gf a singer? Her agent doesn't get paying gigs for her? Also, link her YT music channel.

 

[enterthemadness]

ETM has got himself his OWN car finally. Got it Friday, 2012 Toyota Camry. No longer have to borrow my mom's 05 Camry. Wanted a 2002 Camry I was looking at, but dealerships being dealerships wanted me to instead test drive the car I ended up buying cause 'we just got this one today via a trade in and blah blah blah.'


Also, I'm a shift leader now at my work place. Aka, lower end management. Just means I'm always full time even in the dead months coming up (30+hours week). And more responsibilities, but pretty sure still under $8 an hour.


That woman and I...we had a second date, and we kissed again, this time like for 5 or so seconds, and she kissed me back, but a week later she stopped texting back to me, and it's been nearly 2 months.

 

[Schlosser85]

I just don't know how to hold a conversation.

I'll start talking to some guy on Grindr, and we'll chat for a few minutes, but then it'll just run dry and neither of us will say anything and I'll just sit there staring blankly at my phone for a few minutes and then give up and sign off.

 

[Dark Raven]

I've been assembling a bad porn movie compilation soundtrack made up mostly of smooth jazz soprano saxophone with the likes of Kenny G and other not-very-serious smooth jazz artists.

It's mostly for a laugh, and not that I would really find it that erotic. I mean, I guess it could sound sexy, but it's more cheesy and just to add humour to the situation rather than to sound sensual. Of course, some people could actually find it sets the mood. I'm not putting any proper jazz musicians on there though, and not anything with too much improvisation or musical craftsmanship or I might start listening carefully to it.

 

[Anita18]

I just don't know how to hold a conversation.

I'll start talking to some guy on Grindr, and we'll chat for a few minutes, but then it'll just run dry and neither of us will say anything and I'll just sit there staring blankly at my phone for a few minutes and then give up and sign off.

You can just call yourself an introvert and be cool with it. The first thing I noticed about my husband was how comfortable he was with silence. I can hold conversations okay but it's tiring. And then people get weirded out if I don't talk for a while...

 

[Schlosser85]

Kind of gets in the way of meeting anyone when I can't talk, though.

 

[guitarsingerguy]

Kind of gets in the way of meeting anyone when I can't talk, though.

That's why you gotta find someone with common interests.

 

[Erzengel]

It's funny, when I was younger, I was more concerned about not having anything to talk about with a girl than the actual sex part.

In the end, you have someone who is somewhat outgoing, then you usually don't have an issue. Plus if you find someone who digs your peculiar sense of humor.

 

[bert19]

My two dating experiences or near experiences this week:


2) I had a date on Thursday night. I thought it went well. She looked like her profile pictures which is nice....

Ah mate, I had pretty much the same thing a couple of weeks back.
(i'm making a conscious effort to try to go out and date. I think it'll be at the very least good for me to meet new people).

Met this girl through tinder, chatted a bit, she seemed fun, so I asked her out fairly quickly. We went out for drinks 3 days later.

Date seemed to go well, I felt way more relaxed around her than I expected to. She was nice, has a really good job and is super pretty. All seemed good.
Walked her over to a tube station at the end and she said "This was nice. Are you around next week?"
I said yes, pretty enthusiastically.

Couple of messages back and forth over the couple of days after (including her updating me on a bit of a fun/drunk day with friends visiting her) and then she just ignored me. I sent one more message seeing if she still fancied doing something last week and she clearly ignored me again (whatsapp tells you) and had obviously unmatched me on tinder.

All a bit baffling to be honest. Bit disappointed, but life goes on.

Much as I liked her, I just kind of refuse to be the guy that chases. I've no idea if she expected me to, but I don't like the idea anything with a girl being at her convenience. I've seen pretty unpleasant girls manipulate a few of my friends like that and I just don't like it. And I especially don't like seeing them miserable as a result of it.


Anyway, back on point:
I reckon you're more than entitled to keep your options open (and go on more dates if possible) whilst this girl is away. Lets be fair, if she's keen to see you again, she's more than capable of responding to a text or email or even phoning you.
I'd say just carry on doing your thing mate. If she makes the effort for you, then think about meeting again. If she doesn't, chalk it down to a nice evening and keep on going. There are plenty of fish in the sea as they say.

 

[Erzengel]

In regards to Dark Sentinel, he's like one of the worst I've seen here in terms of self esteem and confidence.

Not everyone gets the same hand, others will have it easier than you. Others will have it harder than you.

It's been mentioned on here numerous times, you're just trying to find a one. Not necessarily the one. Yes, you may have to look harder and longer than others but that all depends on how important it is to you.

 

[bert19]

In regards to Dark Sentinel, he's like one of the worst I've seen here in terms of self esteem and confidence.

Not everyone gets the same hand, others will have it easier than you. Others will have it harder than you.

It's been mentioned on here numerous times, you're just trying to find a one. Not necessarily the one. Yes, you may have to look harder and longer than others but that all depends on how important it is to you.

I think you are spot on here.
I've not had a whole lot of luck with dating and relationships. Some of that is probably my fault, some definitely isn't.

But the one thing I think i'm lucky with is that I feel I have a fairly strong sense of how I should be treated and I feel i'm pretty certain of the sort of person I am and the values/principles I have. Hence the fact that I won't really accept being strung along or messed around.
Unfortunately, some aren't lucky with this and have life experiences that have lowered their self esteem and self confidence.

I am however sure that people aren't attracted to someone who seems miserable and angry about the World. And if you feel like that, you can't rely on finding someone who will fix that for you. It has to come from within yourself.
I hope that guy can find a way to realise he does have a lot to offer and that there's bound to be someone out there for him. He just needs to embrace his own qualities before anyone else can.

 

[Erzengel]

I think one of DS's issues was he was trying to force a square peg into a round hole no pun intended.

He was so emphatic that this girl was the one after like only a few dates, that when she started to not live up to his expectations he blamed himself instead of maybe this wasn't the right girl for him.

 

[DJ_KiDDvIcIOUs]

In regards to Dark Sentinel, he's like one of the worst I've seen here in terms of self esteem and confidence.

Not everyone gets the same hand, others will have it easier than you. Others will have it harder than you.

It's been mentioned on here numerous times, you're just trying to find a one. Not necessarily the one. Yes, you may have to look harder and longer than others but that all depends on how important it is to you.

I agree with this. I'm in a weird boat as I have had numerous Ones but for a long time I felt the mother of my daughter was THE One and I missed the boat. Now I realize we had a toxic relationship and it would have never worked so I accept that and still have hope to find a really special woman for me. But I'm at a place now where I don't have to actively look for companionship and I'm cool with just the way things are right now. I really want to get my license and a car again and I know if I start dating that will really eat into those funds. Right now dating is just low on my priority list.

 

[Anita18]

I think you are spot on here.
I've not had a whole lot of luck with dating and relationships. Some of that is probably my fault, some definitely isn't.

But the one thing I think i'm lucky with is that I feel I have a fairly strong sense of how I should be treated and I feel i'm pretty certain of the sort of person I am and the values/principles I have. Hence the fact that I won't really accept being strung along or messed around.
Unfortunately, some aren't lucky with this and have life experiences that have lowered their self esteem and self confidence.

I am however sure that people aren't attracted to someone who seems miserable and angry about the World. And if you feel like that, you can't rely on finding someone who will fix that for you. It has to come from within yourself.
I hope that guy can find a way to realise he does have a lot to offer and that there's bound to be someone out there for him. He just needs to embrace his own qualities before anyone else can.

This is totally, totally true. I don't have much relationship experience at all, but I knew that I wanted someone who would feel comfortable being himself around me. And I knew when I would have to help him work on something, and when he would have to help himself. So many people who've had more relationship experience don't get this. When your partner has a problem, it doesn't mean it's your problem to solve.

I think one of DS's issues was he was trying to force a square peg into a round hole no pun intended.

He was so emphatic that this girl was the one after like only a few dates, that when she started to not live up to his expectations he blamed himself instead of maybe this wasn't the right girl for him.

Totally. This is what happens when you think of relationships as ideas instead of involving actual people.

 

[guitarsingerguy]

I think one of DS's issues was he was trying to force a square peg into a round hole no pun intended.

He was so emphatic that this girl was the one after like only a few dates, that when she started to not live up to his expectations he blamed himself instead of maybe this wasn't the right girl for him.

I had really hoped it was his immaturity related to his age, but finding out he's 28 and still acting that way is really disconcerting. Nobody's life is easy, and holding out for the right one is better than wasting time with the wrong one any day of the week.

 

[C. Lee]

I just don't know how to hold a conversation.

I'll start talking to some guy on Grindr, and we'll chat for a few minutes, but then it'll just run dry and neither of us will say anything and I'll just sit there staring blankly at my phone for a few minutes and then give up and sign off.

Ask questions of them.

I met my wife in 1996. She was the cashier at a small town pharmacy I would stop in about once a week just to get a cold drink and candy bar. One day as I was chatting about the cold drink and hot weather, I happened to ask her out. She said yes....but she couldn't do it for several weeks because of a previous commitment to do something. So we spent several weeks talking on the phone before we ever went out. We talked about everything and asked each other all kind of questions. We also agreed that times of silences wouldn't end things. Her mother still can't understand how we can go long stretched without having to say anything to each other.

 

[RetrogradeOrbit]

I'm getting back into the dating scene after a recent experience where I got my heart broken (my fault for falling for a girl that couldn't love me back)

But I did come away from that relationship with a lot more confidence in myself, at least after I got over her that is.

It's weird, but I seem to be having a degree more success on POF than I ever used to.
Maybe it's because I'm putting myself out there more and I'm being totally open about my interests... Which are a bit on the unusual side for some!
But that way, for those that do show an interest? I know my hobbies are not going to be off putting.

Hmmmmm, let's see what occurs...

 

[the last son]

Should I feel bad about having multiple women? I'm in the earliest of stages with dating them, but if it ever got serious I don't think I could ever settle down. I may not be honest with them, but at least I'm honest with myself.

 

[moviedoors]

If you're just dating and haven't made any commitments, I don't see the problem.

 

[Erzengel]

Should I feel bad about having multiple women? I'm in the earliest of stages with dating them, but if it ever got serious I don't think I could ever settle down. I may not be honest with them, but at least I'm honest with myself.

The longer you keep dating someone, the grayer it gets morally if you're seeing multiple people. Technically, until you are committed, you could do whatever you want but feelings usually get in the way.

If you are open with them, that you're not looking for a relationship there shouldn't be a problem but like I said previously, emotions will get in the way.

But again, if you're just looking to get what you want until they bring up a commitment, again it's your prerogative but it goes back to you being selfish. And not being up front about your true intentions makes you a dick.

 

[SpideyVille]

I'm really concerned about my girlfriend because a while ago we talked about how she felt and stuff, and I suspected that she may also be bi-polar, but she refused to accept that and so did her family. But we had a great few days this past weekend and even though our plans almost got ruined when she took her dog to the vet and missed our movie date (I had the tickets bought and paid in advance) we still felt great about things. So great that last night we were trying to find a way to be alone for a few hours since both of our families are home on vacation and we haven't been alone together in over a month.

But today, I suddenly asked her what her plans for the weekend was and next thing I know, she's flipping out. She had told me her family was going to Jersey next weekend, but then I mentioned something about Labor Day and she said she was going to this dance congress here in the city, and I tried to clarify because it's been so hard to plan a date on the weekend because of her shows, but now she doesn't have a show for another month and instead of trying to use that time to see me, she's freaking out about how she can't because she has things to do.

She even wanted to break up so that we didn't have to talk about it anymore. But I already know that it's because she feels emotionally pressured and lashes out and tries to run away from issues and I'm starting to wonder if there is something deeper going on, and for some reason, I just bring that side out. But I'm seriously worried because she seems very unstable emotionally, especially ever since she got expelled from school.

 

[the last son]

I had a great date today with a woman off POF who is 41. I'm 27. Still trying to decide if this age difference is too much.

 

[RetrogradeOrbit]

Should I feel bad about having multiple women? I'm in the earliest of stages with dating them, but if it ever got serious I don't think I could ever settle down. I may not be honest with them, but at least I'm honest with myself.

If it's the initial stages of dating, then fine. But if it gets to the point where you develop proper feelings for one of them? Then that's when it is time to give the other(s) up.
Because that is when it becomes unfair on all of them.

 

[Anita18]

I'm really concerned about my girlfriend because a while ago we talked about how she felt and stuff, and I suspected that she may also be bi-polar, but she refused to accept that and so did her family. But we had a great few days this past weekend and even though our plans almost got ruined when she took her dog to the vet and missed our movie date (I had the tickets bought and paid in advance) we still felt great about things. So great that last night we were trying to find a way to be alone for a few hours since both of our families are home on vacation and we haven't been alone together in over a month.

But today, I suddenly asked her what her plans for the weekend was and next thing I know, she's flipping out. She had told me her family was going to Jersey next weekend, but then I mentioned something about Labor Day and she said she was going to this dance congress here in the city, and I tried to clarify because it's been so hard to plan a date on the weekend because of her shows, but now she doesn't have a show for another month and instead of trying to use that time to see me, she's freaking out about how she can't because she has things to do.

She even wanted to break up so that we didn't have to talk about it anymore. But I already know that it's because she feels emotionally pressured and lashes out and tries to run away from issues and I'm starting to wonder if there is something deeper going on, and for some reason, I just bring that side out. But I'm seriously worried because she seems very unstable emotionally, especially ever since she got expelled from school.

I'm going to repeat: You can't live her life for her. She will change only when SHE is ready. You can't define what that may entail or when that may be.

My friend with BPD, she's total crap at emotional regulation. She's in her mid-30s and she's been burning bridges and escaping everything negative in her life (meaning anything she ever does long-term) since her teens. She wants to change, she just doesn't know how to do it, because she's crap at emotional regulation. All I can do is lend emotional support and be a rational spirit on her shoulder when she needs someone to explain what's going on. Especially when the alternative is to listen to her paranoid lizard brain spiral her into a deep depression.

I can't live her life for her. I can't make her choose the right job or living situation. But she says things make sense when she converses with me, and talking with me always makes her feel better. So that's a start. If your gf wants to break up with you so you don't talk about such things anymore, that's a HUGE sign that she needs something different from you.

 

[SpideyVille]

I'm going to repeat: You can't live her life for her. She will change only when SHE is ready. You can't define what that may entail or when that may be.

My friend with BPD, she's total crap at emotional regulation. She's in her mid-30s and she's been burning bridges and escaping everything negative in her life (meaning anything she ever does long-term) since her teens. She wants to change, she just doesn't know how to do it, because she's crap at emotional regulation. All I can do is lend emotional support and be a rational spirit on her shoulder when she needs someone to explain what's going on. Especially when the alternative is to listen to her paranoid lizard brain spiral her into a deep depression.

I can't live her life for her. I can't make her choose the right job or living situation. But she says things make sense when she converses with me, and talking with me always makes her feel better. So that's a start. If your gf wants to break up with you so you don't talk about such things anymore, that's a HUGE sign that she needs something different from you.

But that's just it, I'm not trying to do anything for her. Yesterday morning we had a serious conversation about the past year and how we both messed things up and how we both are going to work towards making it better. But then I call her on my lunch break and we're talking, but as soon as I mention the weekend, she shut down and wanted to be alone and in her bubble. It feels like the closer and closer we get, the faster she goes into that bubble.

At this point, I don't know what's going on, and she doesn't know either. I don't want to jump immediately to cheating, but it makes no sense that she would want to see me today, but not for the next two weeks. One minute she says it's because her mother doesn't approve of us, and that I need to talk to her and smooth our relationship, despite the fact that her mother makes it a point to disrespect me in public, but then she says I'm never going to change her mother's mind. Then she says she loves me but isn't in love with me because of the past year, but she doesn't want to break up with me.

At the end of the day, all I want to do is be there for her, but she won't even talk about it to the point where I can know what she wants from me. She wants me to disappear for a day, but come back for tomorrow. And the worst thing is that I haven't been forcing or pressuring her about anything lately. I've been trying a lot harder than I have been for the past year and when we're together, it's great, but its horrible when we are not.