The Relationship Thread: Because Superhero Forums are Full of Sexperts! - - - - - - - - - - Part 29

[SpideyVille]

Even after you fight and it seems you're on the same page, it seems that maybe she's only agreeing with you so you won't fight or that she doesn't want you to leave or be upset.

I believe that she knows what he's doing is wrong, especially since there are laws that are all in my favor, so legally I could make this so much worse. The thing is, I know she hates confrontation, and that's something we've discussed a lot lately. She's scared of what he might do if she speaks up. I guess to her, it's a lot easier to let me go because the problem disappears for now, but if she fights him on it (which she has actually been doing a lot over the past week), she's scared of it affecting her career and she feels she owes him a lot because of how much he's invested in her.

Like I said, it's a tricky situation and I do want to help and support, but I have my conditions that protect me and the career that I have been working on, and I need her to stand by me with that. If she doesn't, then the rift between me and her is going to get so big that I won't be able to move forward with her after this. She asked me to let her handle it today, so I will, but if she doesn't, there's going to be a problem.

 

[SpideyVille]

You were right Erz, after a lengthy debate with her agent, with her on the line .. she admitted that she only said it to shut me up. The belief now is I'm trying to use her fame for profit and she's taking his side, that I should be doing this for free. Either that, or I should pay her for all of the photos I have of her.

 

[Erzengel]

I think honestly the photos are trivial compared to what's going on with you and your gf.

You don't have a relationship that's built on trust and communication. She lies to you instead of dealing with situations. She retreats inward when things get tough. I've said multiple times that you need trust, communication and intimacy to have a strong relationship. You at best seem to have maybe 1.

I'm not entirely sure what the whole deal is with the whole just letting her use your pictures. I'm assuming since you took some sort of professional shots of her and they're proprietary? And if it's just that big of a deal of her to use it? Is it really about the money or the principal?

Regardless, I really don't see this relationship working out. A relationship is a mutual highway and even though I'm sure you're not perfect, she doesn't seem to be able to tie her shoelaces on her own. I've said it before about what you are willing to deal with to be with her.

 

[Anita18]

I believe that she knows what he's doing is wrong, especially since there are laws that are all in my favor, so legally I could make this so much worse. The thing is, I know she hates confrontation, and that's something we've discussed a lot lately. She's scared of what he might do if she speaks up. I guess to her, it's a lot easier to let me go because the problem disappears for now, but if she fights him on it (which she has actually been doing a lot over the past week), she's scared of it affecting her career and she feels she owes him a lot because of how much he's invested in her.

Like I said, it's a tricky situation and I do want to help and support, but I have my conditions that protect me and the career that I have been working on, and I need her to stand by me with that. If she doesn't, then the rift between me and her is going to get so big that I won't be able to move forward with her after this. She asked me to let her handle it today, so I will, but if she doesn't, there's going to be a problem.

My career transition is well on its way, but I give my friends and family free advice and sometimes help them on their projects for free, on my own time. (I'm repaying my college tuition to my mom, one Photoshop job at a time. ) My only rule regarding free work is that I get to do it my way. You want to argue with me about how you want it done and when you want it done, you start paying.

It's usually best not to get too detailed about money when you're dealing with a friend. I had a contract at my friend's startup, but we gave each other leeway about deadlines and payment. And when you're just starting a career, being generous with your time and expertise (to a limit) can be helpful more often than not. My current portfolio is filled with work that I did for free, but most of it was fun side projects that everyone was doing for free. And it got me a well-paying gig where I can grow a ton, so it did its job.

But besides all that, I agree with Erz. It's not really about the photos, it's about how you're both approaching this. The fact that she lies to "keep the peace" instead of being honest about the relationship is a huge red flag. It's just not sustainable. It's clear that you don't want peace just to have peace. You want honesty. And you're just not getting it from her.

 

[DJ_KiDDvIcIOUs]

Has anyone tried the paid online dating sites? I was recommended Match by a co-worker and was thinking about checking it out

 

[Erzengel]

I know people who have tried it and gotten married.

It's just another avenue to meet people. I think it comes in handy for those who don't have a lot of time to actually go out and meet people.

 

[DA_Champion]

Has anyone tried the paid online dating sites? I was recommended Match by a co-worker and was thinking about checking it out

I've been on eHarmony for two months now and thus far I have had one date. So the effectiveness is the same as I've had from non-paying sites in the past few months.

I say it's worth paying, as $20/month is a low expense relative to the issue.

 

[SpideyVille]

I think honestly the photos are trivial compared to what's going on with you and your gf.

You don't have a relationship that's built on trust and communication. She lies to you instead of dealing with situations. She retreats inward when things get tough. I've said multiple times that you need trust, communication and intimacy to have a strong relationship. You at best seem to have maybe 1.

I'm not entirely sure what the whole deal is with the whole just letting her use your pictures. I'm assuming since you took some sort of professional shots of her and they're proprietary? And if it's just that big of a deal of her to use it? Is it really about the money or the principal?

Regardless, I really don't see this relationship working out. A relationship is a mutual highway and even though I'm sure you're not perfect, she doesn't seem to be able to tie her shoelaces on her own. I've said it before about what you are willing to deal with to be with her.

It was never about the photos, it was about the fact that she put so much trust into a man who was blatantly deceiving her, and she was siding with him no matter what argument I made.

I love her, and maybe it's for all the wrong reasons, but at the same time, she left me to die last night and completely stabbed me in the back. She told me she had my back and I really trusted her to make the call. But all she seemed to care about was her being embarrassed. After everything, she cut herself again because she wanted to die instead of deal with the situation. But then her agent hit her up apologizing, talking about how he's protecting her.

My career transition is well on its way, but I give my friends and family free advice and sometimes help them on their projects for free, on my own time. (I'm repaying my college tuition to my mom, one Photoshop job at a time. ) My only rule regarding free work is that I get to do it my way. You want to argue with me about how you want it done and when you want it done, you start paying.

It's usually best not to get too detailed about money when you're dealing with a friend. I had a contract at my friend's startup, but we gave each other leeway about deadlines and payment. And when you're just starting a career, being generous with your time and expertise (to a limit) can be helpful more often than not. My current portfolio is filled with work that I did for free, but most of it was fun side projects that everyone was doing for free. And it got me a well-paying gig where I can grow a ton, so it did its job.

But besides all that, I agree with Erz. It's not really about the photos, it's about how you're both approaching this. The fact that she lies to "keep the peace" instead of being honest about the relationship is a huge red flag. It's just not sustainable. It's clear that you don't want peace just to have peace. You want honesty. And you're just not getting it from her.

I spoke to so many people who have experience with these types of issues, in regards to the photos, and I wouldn't have approached it if I didn't believe that I was in the right. And what pushed me even more was that she told me she had my back. She didn't, and that's the hardest thing to swallow.

I wanted to make sure they were using it because she requested and they both liked it, not because I'm her boyfriend and its cheaper and convenient, because months ago, she doubted me and made me feel like crap because she claimed my photos weren't good enough, but now that someone else close to her needed them to save a buck, I was expected to bend over backwards and deliver on something I was never consulted on.

 

[DJ_KiDDvIcIOUs]

I know people who have tried it and gotten married.

It's just another avenue to meet people. I think it comes in handy for those who don't have a lot of time to actually go out and meet people.

Well, my co-worker met his current gf there. I don't have a car so I can't just cruise around willy nilly whenever I want

I've been on eHarmony for two months now and thus far I have had one date. So the effectiveness is the same as I've had from non-paying sites in the past few months.

I say it's worth paying, as $20/month is a low expense relative to the issue.

I just figured if people pay for it then they would be a bit more serious as opposed to those who just want to hook up on the free sites.

 

[Erzengel]

A significant other is supportive. I have a friend who's a good writer and he put his heart on a paper in the form of poetry for his then gf at the time. She accused him of writing it for someone else previously and just changing it for her. To be vulnerable like that and have someone completely be that callous is truly disheartening.

 

[Erzengel]

Well, my co-worker met his current gf there. I don't have a car so I can't just cruise around willy nilly whenever I want

I just figured if people pay for it then they would be a bit more serious as opposed to those who just want to hook up on the free sites.

You have to put time and effort into it. I think for the most part since people are paying they are more serious about it, but if I had to pay $20 a month and I was getting regular hook ups then that's a bargain.

However, from what I hear it is work, obviously men have to put much more into it.

 

[DA_Champion]

I just figured if people pay for it then they would be a bit more serious as opposed to those who just want to hook up on the free sites.

I'm guessing a lot of the woman are more serious. Somehow, I'm turning them off. I hope to improve over time. I've been losing weight recently, but that's a slow process and I started off way behind.

Some websites like Ashley Madison put on fake robot women on their sites to make it look like it's full of women

eHarmony as far as I know does not do this. What I have found out they do is they keep women listed and send them as matches after their subscriptions are elapsed. So now, I've twice gone through the whole courtship process, which is convoluted there and does not involve messages, and at the end they tell me their contact information. But the website has automatic filters for this, and it gets blanked.

This woman a few weeks ended up writing to me "my phone number is ", so year it got blanked by the filter. I then sent her my phone number as an encrypted message, to try and get through, but either she lost interest in me or she couldn't break the encryption.

 

[RetrogradeOrbit]

Has anyone tried the paid online dating sites? I was recommended Match by a co-worker and was thinking about checking it out

I've been using POF for a while now. I've just started dating one lady and am in the process of arranging dates this week with three others.
But I find you have to put a LOT of effort in to get the smallest response/success.


I would surmise that the ladies on there have the "pick of the crop" so to speak...

 

[DA_Champion]

I've been using POF for a while now. I've just started dating one lady and am in the process of arranging dates this week with three others.
But I find you have to put a LOT of effort in to get the smallest response/success.


I would surmise that the ladies on there have the "pick of the crop" so to speak...

One woman on Pof that I met in person told me she gets ten messages a day.

I imagine being a woman on an online dating site is like shopping for cereal at the supermarket. You see 40, 50 choices and you ponder which is the best one. They might all appear interchangeable.

Congratulations to you on being a top brand of cereal. 4 dates in a short amount of time is impressive.

 

[Web-Head]

Any long distance relationship advice? By long distance I mean about 2000 miles. It's been going good so far, but not being able to see each other whenever we want is extremely difficult.

 

[Erzengel]

It's rough. Feast or famine with a LD partner can be a real strain. It takes real maturity, understanding and patience.

However, if you're both out of school (if either one of you is in school), the question comes which one or if it's both going to move?

 

[DJ_KiDDvIcIOUs]

I've been using POF for a while now. I've just started dating one lady and am in the process of arranging dates this week with three others.
But I find you have to put a LOT of effort in to get the smallest response/success.


I would surmise that the ladies on there have the "pick of the crop" so to speak...

That's been my experience as well. As a guy who used to have numerous random hook ups while drunk going into putting forth that muc effort is very annoying

 

[Web-Head]

It's rough. Feast or famine with a LD partner can be a real strain. It takes real maturity, understanding and patience.

However, if you're both out of school (if either one of you is in school), the question comes which one or if it's both going to move?

It's been rough, but the long distance thing is pretty new to us...It's only been about a few weeks.

 

[Erzengel]

Are you both away at school? Are you both from the same home town?

 

[Web-Head]

Are you both away at school? Are you both from the same home town?

I'm at school, she's not. Not the same home town, but pretty close. Funny thing is that she's actually the one who moved.

 

[SpideyVille]

A significant other is supportive. I have a friend who's a good writer and he put his heart on a paper in the form of poetry for his then gf at the time. She accused him of writing it for someone else previously and just changing it for her. To be vulnerable like that and have someone completely be that callous is truly disheartening.

She claims I'm not supportive because of all the things I've said about her agent, and how by doing that, I'm not supporting her music. I just find it ironic because I'm the one who pushed her to focus less on dancing all the time just because it was what her mom wanted, and when the opportunity finally fell on her lap, she took it and acts like she's been working her whole life for this, when really, everyone else is doing all of the work.

 

[Erzengel]

I'm sure you have or possibly will again, mention this all to her but how do you know if she's agreeing with you because you're right OR because she just doesn't want to fight?

Do you really see a future with her?

 

[Anita18]

It was never about the photos, it was about the fact that she put so much trust into a man who was blatantly deceiving her, and she was siding with him no matter what argument I made.

I love her, and maybe it's for all the wrong reasons, but at the same time, she left me to die last night and completely stabbed me in the back. She told me she had my back and I really trusted her to make the call. But all she seemed to care about was her being embarrassed. After everything, she cut herself again because she wanted to die instead of deal with the situation. But then her agent hit her up apologizing, talking about how he's protecting her.

I spoke to so many people who have experience with these types of issues, in regards to the photos, and I wouldn't have approached it if I didn't believe that I was in the right. And what pushed me even more was that she told me she had my back. She didn't, and that's the hardest thing to swallow.

That's the BIGGEST thing, right there. You have to believe she has your back. She has to believe you have her back. Neither of you believe that right now. If you don't have that, you have nothing to build on.

It's over, essentially. Even when things are great when times are good, you only know when someone has your back when things get hard. It would be great with anyone when everything's easy.

I would surmise that the ladies on there have the "pick of the crop" so to speak...

I met my husband on POF, and I stuck with him even though we had no initial chemistry because nobody else was asking me out. Most of the messages I got were from guys 15+ years older than me, and that just wasn't my thing...

It's rough. Feast or famine with a LD partner can be a real strain. It takes real maturity, understanding and patience.

However, if you're both out of school (if either one of you is in school), the question comes which one or if it's both going to move?

That's indeed the question. My cousin and his wife live cross-country from each other, and it's even MORE difficult now because she's newly pregnant. (He visited her a few months ago and I suppose got some lovely time together. ) My cousin's in med school, and now has obvious incentive to graduate ASAP so he can move to her. Although his parents want her to move to him, cause med school >>>> everything, so that's some lovely drama right there.

But it's very difficult with both partners have specialized career paths and neither want to deviate.

 

[SpideyVille]

I'm sure you have or possibly will again, mention this all to her but how do you know if she's agreeing with you because you're right OR because she just doesn't want to fight?

Do you really see a future with her?

Honestly, no.

This morning she seemed to be really sincere and acted like she cared about how I was doing, because I was in a little depressed funk, but as soon as I mentioned last night, she flipped. She won't even admit that she made mistakes too and I can't accept that anymore.

Right now, she's asking for space. The only thing I'm trying to find out is will she bail out on me for a trip to see Phantom on Thursday. I bought the tickets weeks ago because its her favorite show and she's never seen it on Broadway, but in terms of scheduling and affordability, it was the only day I could go and that she didn't have plans for so it was supposed to be a big date that I invested a lot in. With things the way they are now, I feel like I wasted so much time, money and effort and I at least want to salvage that one day. I'm not trying to win her over, and maybe I should just take someone else, but I just want to at least be able to do this.

That's the BIGGEST thing, right there. You have to believe she has your back. She has to believe you have her back. Neither of you believe that right now. If you don't have that, you have nothing to build on.

It's over, essentially.

It's always felt like she's willing to throw me under the bus just to protect how others see her. And you're right, if that's how it is and has been, that's how it will continue to be and I feel like I deserve better.

I just wish I could do or say something to .. i don't know, make things better. Maybe not between us, but just to ease the pain.

 

[Erzengel]

Unfortunately, there's probably nothing you can do or say that "will make things better".

Most people aren't friends with their exes. If you really don't see a future with her, you should worry about you and not how she's going to handle it.

P.S. I'd get someone else to go with you to see Phantom.