The Relationship Thread: Because Superhero Forums are Full of Sexperts! - Part 30

[Hobgoblin]

Warn your friends.

Either you or your fiance have a talk with your in-laws.

That's pretty much all you can do.

She and her mother have told him many times that they dont want to hear his nonsense, but it does no good. We have talked about telling him (all three of us) that he will be forbidden from seeing the grandkids if he keeps spouting the slurs. Not a conversation that I am looking forward to.

 

[Anita18]

It doesn't even have to be gossip but just an innocent mistake. For example, if a woman is talking about her husband or boyfriend, and then you happen to stroll up at that point and say hi to her, the third party might innocently ask "so is this your husband/ boyfriend?" Sometimes you might not even approach her at all but could be standing behind this woman or in the general area and someone could ask that.

And something like that can be the downfall of your friendship all in a split second. It's not like you could have avoided that situation in any way (or even predicted it). How can one know not to show up or stand near that woman at that inopportune moment? Any moment can therefore be the wrong time since someone could be observing you from a distance even if there's no-one around the woman at the time you approach her to make an observation.

Honestly, it doesn't sound like much of a friendship if all it took to take it down is an outside party making an honest mistake and thinking you're together. I honestly don't get why that's such a big deal.

I have a lot of male friends and acquaintances. If someone saw me with a guy and asked if he was my husband, I'd just say no and laugh it off. No harm no foul.

Then again I'm starting to realize that my brand of non-worrying and non-anxiety is actually quite unusual, so maybe y'alls shouldn't listen to what I have to observe.

 

[Anita18]

About 6 months after having broken up with long time friend that I always had a crush on and finally got the courage to say how I felt, I still yearn for her, despite knowing perfectly well that she's messed up on a fundamental level.

She basically has practically never been alone, always with *****es where it basically cannot work, and I told her how I felt when she came here just before leaving for England (I live in France) again where she was a teacher.

...called me her boyfriend, then freaked out because she says she's not girlfriend material, that she's terrible, putting herself down, that relationships never work, etc.

Reconnected a few times physically, but she never knew, kept changing her mind, telling me I didn't want to be with a girl like her, that she was unstable (which is true).

Last summer, she calls it quits implicitly, tells me I deserve someone better, that she can't give me what I'm looking for.

We resume sort of the relationship in some way, and then in October, the slap in the face, she tells me she hates lying to me, that she can"t take it, that she met someone (WHAT??) that summer.

We talk about it, she repeats the same things, that she's not good enough, that she can't give me what i'm looking for, that I'm too much there basically, too nice let's say, she told me several times it freaked her out how different and good our relationship was compared to what she's always known, and well, that was the last straw.

At her core, she's just used to toxic relationships and just sabotages everything good.

I'm with Erz. She needs a professional to help stop sabotaging her life. You can't save her, she has to save herself.

I have a friend like her - really bad impulse control, gets ahead of herself, massive amounts of self-doubt, sabotages herself ALL THE TIME even in situations where something good is literally handed to her on a plate and she ruins it. I do what I can, but I know I can't save her, nor even talking a therapist (which she's done for years, and doesn't seem to have helped). Only she can do that.

I can be her long-distance friend, but I know I wouldn't be able to live with her. Unless you get a kick out of emotionally taking care of someone 24/7, you gotta keep some distance to keep your own sanity.

 

[Anita18]

She and her mother have told him many times that they dont want to hear his nonsense, but it does no good. We have talked about telling him (all three of us) that he will be forbidden from seeing the grandkids if he keeps spouting the slurs. Not a conversation that I am looking forward to.

Definitely is gonna be painful, but has to be done. At least it sounds like her mom is on your side, so it isn't both parents against you. It's important to have an ally in this.

 

[Erzengel]

Honestly, it doesn't sound like much of a friendship if all it took to take it down is an outside party making an honest mistake and thinking you're together. I honestly don't get why that's such a big deal.

I have a lot of male friends and acquaintances. If someone saw me with a guy and asked if he was my husband, I'd just say no and laugh it off. No harm no foul.

Then again I'm starting to realize that my brand of non-worrying and non-anxiety is actually quite unusual, so maybe y'alls shouldn't listen to what I have to observe.

If you have a supposedly really good friend of the opposite sex who flakes out every time you guys are suppose to go out because they are looking for a bigger better deal, then maybe you need to reevaluate your friendship.

 

[Tim_Riggins]

@Erzengel & Anita: good advice indeed. My father is a former psychiatrist so he told me that he's seen a lot of girls like that and they usually never change, keep repeating the same patterns all the time.

She used to joke (not really ) sometimes that she needed to see a therapist because of how much of on a rollercoaster she is. I was there as much as I could long distance (although like I say, I was in France, she was in England, so not that far, but considering she was teaching, we'd have had like one day together tops, there was never any time), she wanted me to be there, she had a few friends over there but is very close to her family and she had a hard time being away from us.

To show you the extent of the depression, early January, she was so happy that she was going to have 4 to 5 days off and wanted me to spend those with her over there, she even had a teacher friend of hers who was willing to leave her her house while she went away, I remember her telling me about it on Skype, so elated.

Then, the depression slowly surfaced more than it used to (I used to see those moments when she allowed me too on Skype), she was tired all the time (depression indeed), would get sick, went to see a doctor.
About two weeks after wanting to spend all this time with me, she says she needs to be alone for a while, that we're not looking for the same thing, that she's going to come home for those five days off because she's not feeling well.

So yeah, I know in a way I've been trying to save her, but now, she seems (once again, I only saw her once two weeks ago) much better, she has a job here now, her family close to her, her friends (that are very important to her, and that I do not like by the way ). At her core, I think she's still the same way though, I don't know if she's still with that fellow, I don't think so though.

And yeah, couldn't do much of anything, frustrating. And for the dating thing, I'm just browsing, I've talked to a few girls but it's really superficial and hard to make a connection to be honest, I'm not a smooth talker, I'm really picky, and in a few months on there, I haven't gotten anywhere close to meeting any girl in real life.

Sometimes, I think the universe is trying to tell me that I'm not gonna find anything on there for a reason and that the answer might just be her.

 

[Erzengel]

That type of behavior, high highs and low lows seem like someone who's manic depressive but I'm not a psychiatrist. She needs to seek help on her own at least just to talk to someone.

It also doesn't help that it's tough being in a long distance relationship where you have to be pretty mature and confident in yourself and in your relationship to make it work. Having to constantly reassure someone is emotionally draining.

 

[Tim_Riggins]

Oh yes, she's had a depression for like two years since she was in England, it was just under the surface and I helped cover it up, but then again, as much as I was there virtually, I wasn't there physically with her and we only saw each other when she'd come back, frustrating.

I thought maybe a personality disorder of some sort too. And it's really tiring never knowing where you're stepping, like she told me, I felt like I was standing on thin ice, one day, she was great, loving, warm, kind, the other, different, up and down, so yeah manic depressive is a good guess. Anyway, I think that if we're meant to be together, we'll be again at some point. In the meantime, I'm looking around, being open to whatever comes, who knows, but yeah, I'm very much deeply in love with her, then again, this was only my second relationship precisely because I made sure and I never felt the need before, but then, I told her how I felt and that's how it all started, at least she knows what it's like to be with someone who truly loves you for who you are and is always there, like she couldn't understand sometimes how I was still here, which was baffling to me. Anyway, time will tell

 

[Anita18]

@Erzengel & Anita: good advice indeed. My father is a former psychiatrist so he told me that he's seen a lot of girls like that and they usually never change, keep repeating the same patterns all the time.

She used to joke (not really ) sometimes that she needed to see a therapist because of how much of on a rollercoaster she is. I was there as much as I could long distance (although like I say, I was in France, she was in England, so not that far, but considering she was teaching, we'd have had like one day together tops, there was never any time), she wanted me to be there, she had a few friends over there but is very close to her family and she had a hard time being away from us.

To show you the extent of the depression, early January, she was so happy that she was going to have 4 to 5 days off and wanted me to spend those with her over there, she even had a teacher friend of hers who was willing to leave her her house while she went away, I remember her telling me about it on Skype, so elated.

Then, the depression slowly surfaced more than it used to (I used to see those moments when she allowed me too on Skype), she was tired all the time (depression indeed), would get sick, went to see a doctor.
About two weeks after wanting to spend all this time with me, she says she needs to be alone for a while, that we're not looking for the same thing, that she's going to come home for those five days off because she's not feeling well.

So yeah, I know in a way I've been trying to save her, but now, she seems (once again, I only saw her once two weeks ago) much better, she has a job here now, her family close to her, her friends (that are very important to her, and that I do not like by the way ). At her core, I think she's still the same way though, I don't know if she's still with that fellow, I don't think so though.

Yeah, it's hard to tell since it seems you actually haven't spent a whole lot of time with her. It's hard to trust someone with your commitment if she can't commit too, for whatever reason.

But yeah, I totally get it cause my friend's the same way - very mercurial. Ups and down. Very unpredictable, but it seems like your girl at least has her family behind her. My friend has burned too many bridges and hurt too many of her relatives.

Sometimes, I think the universe is trying to tell me that I'm not gonna find anything on there for a reason and that the answer might just be her.

Honestly, if you aren't up for emotionally supporting someone 24/7, she's not the answer. It's fine to wait. You have to fit into each other's lives.

I'm my husband's first serious gf. He's got a model-esque face so he always gets female attention, but he's SUPER picky about personality and couldn't stand anyone for more than a month or two until he met me. t: But there was a while where he wasn't sure he was capable of a long-term relationship. Turns out he was (been together 8 years, 3 years married on Wed! ), just hadn't met the right person yet.

Oh yes, she's had a depression for like two years since she was in England, it was just under the surface and I helped cover it up, but then again, as much as I was there virtually, I wasn't there physically with her and we only saw each other when she'd come back, frustrating.

I thought maybe a personality disorder of some sort too. And it's really tiring never knowing where you're stepping, like she told me, I felt like I was standing on thin ice, one day, she was great, loving, warm, kind, the other, different, up and down, so yeah manic depressive is a good guess. Anyway, I think that if we're meant to be together, we'll be again at some point. In the meantime, I'm looking around, being open to whatever comes, who knows, but yeah, I'm very much deeply in love with her, then again, this was only my second relationship precisely because I made sure and I never felt the need before, but then, I told her how I felt and that's how it all started, at least she knows what it's like to be with someone who truly loves you for who you are and is always there, like she couldn't understand sometimes how I was still here, which was baffling to me. Anyway, time will tell

Very noble of you, but now you need someone like for you. That's what my husband is for me, and me to him.

My hubs has moved upstate (again) for a job, and everyone keeps asking me how I feel, expecting me to be upset about it. I'm not really, I married him for his emotional support, and now it's my turn to pay that back.

 

[Dark Raven]

Honestly, it doesn't sound like much of a friendship if all it took to take it down is an outside party making an honest mistake and thinking you're together. I honestly don't get why that's such a big deal.

I have a lot of male friends and acquaintances. If someone saw me with a guy and asked if he was my husband, I'd just say no and laugh it off. No harm no foul.

Then again I'm starting to realize that my brand of non-worrying and non-anxiety is actually quite unusual, so maybe y'alls shouldn't listen to what I have to observe.

Well, it's happened to me several times over the years with people in varying stages of friendship. Some might just be near the beginning, while some I might have known for a few years. Some could just be acquaintances I would've liked to have been better friends.

I remember I had a male friend at university I was good friends with. Another female friend who hung round in the same group was an idiot and had never seemed to have heard of the concept of two male friends and assumed we must've been gay, which we weren't. Of course, everyone else thought she sounded ridiculous, because males have other male friends. I'm sure there are plenty here in this thread. Anyway, if either of us weren't mature enough to handle those comments, both of us could easily have backed away from the friendship just because of her stupid and ignorant comments. Fortunately that didn't happen, as both of us would've lost out on a good friendship.

But I have known many more people (especially other women) who haven't been mature enough to handle that and they were more worried about what other people thought or said than about how it might be hurtful to withdraw from the friendship (or even treat someone that way even if they weren't such great friends).

 

[Tim_Riggins]

Oh yeah, that's what I think, I am up for emotionally supporting someone 24/7 though, I've done a lot of that there, and am ready for more, but yeah, honestly, I'd rather not.

She's complicated (which is something she likes to say "It's complicated"), but I think I like complicated, not having it for granted and having to fight for it. Now of course, if you can do it easy, ie the person knows what she wants and you don't have to worry about them changing their mind all the time, then by all means.

I see what you're talking about, I thought and still think she's the one somehow, and if not now, maybe later (gotta say our timing was somehow terrible and great in the sense that she had just had her heart broken again (around July, then we got close, but really considered ourselves seriously involved around november) ).

Now, maybe there'll be another girl who's just as good as her (which is the problem, easy to feel like others can't measure up) without the bad things that come with it, but I don't think uncomplicated girls really exist to be honest, granted, I have little experience but I do observe a lot as in people's behaviors, that sort of thing and........ yeah.

You're lucky to have your husband


Gotta say that dating websites are fun, even if they're frustrating, in like 4 months on them, I've talked to like 5 girls total and it hasn't led anywhere close to a date, very superficial. And without kidding, I'm really good looking, and an all around good, fun person, but I guess there's just too much choice on those websites, I also think like I said that I'm not finding **** for a reason, guess I'm not supposed to.


About the girl, I'm still puzzled, now 19 days since I saw her (and got a text making sure she came home safe) when she told me she'd be coming back 2 weeks from then, and no news since.

I felt it went really well last time, one of her friends was there (that I don't like ) because they had some exam together, went to the movies, felt like we hadn't stop seeing each other, I could see she was happy and enthusiastic.

Then again, she puzzles me all the time, if I had to be a betting man here, I'd think she has to think about things before contacting me to see each other again, I seriously don't get her sometimes and she used to be surprised how much I GOT her.

 

[NotSoLongAgo]

So I was in a relationship with a girl for about 2 years and 6 months. Honestly it was pretty great until we began to drift apart the last few months. We lasted those 2 years in the cupcake phase and we were pretty deeply in love with each other. We spent all our time together and were each other's best friends. So much so that her friends stopped hanging out with her and held it against her (she has ****** friends). We were basically inseparable. I don't know if it was dumb of me or not but I seriously thought she was that girl I was gonna marry and have kids with. She thought the same of me. And we believed it at the time, we truly did. Obviously we ended up breaking up which was really complicated and emotional. We were off and on again for a little while until it was finally for good around December. So not soon after she ends up dating a guy I had my suspicions about when we were together, an older dude with kids. And now she's pregnant. Like holy ****. It's so weird and hard to believe. And at this point it's none of my business but I just had so much stake in that relationship it makes me kinda sick. She's changed so much.

I'm ready for the next woman to step into my life lol

 

[DJ_KiDDvIcIOUs]

So update, I hung out with my lady friend after this pool party last Sunday. We went to downtown St. Pete and she did some guest songs with her friend's band. She has an amazing voice so it was cool to see her do what she loves, as a DJ I have mad respect for that. When she dropped me off I remembered I had this cool Loot Crate poster I wanted to give her forever ago so I gave her that which she seemed to dig.

I know better than to text her all the time but she texted me a few times and called me once but I missed it but I did text her back. We are still on for our dinner tomorrow night so that should be fun. She just had her birthday the other day so I told her I have an extra ticket to see Flight of the Conchords in July and she said she was down.

All in all, I think things are progressing well seems like she likes me more than just a friend kind of deal but I think tomorrow night's dinner will really give me a good feel on if I am misreading this situation or not.

 

[Erzengel]

So I was in a relationship with a girl for about 2 years and 6 months. Honestly it was pretty great until we began to drift apart the last few months. We lasted those 2 years in the cupcake phase and we were pretty deeply in love with each other. We spent all our time together and were each other's best friends. So much so that her friends stopped hanging out with her and held it against her (she has ****** friends). We were basically inseparable. I don't know if it was dumb of me or not but I seriously thought she was that girl I was gonna marry and have kids with. She thought the same of me. And we believed it at the time, we truly did. Obviously we ended up breaking up which was really complicated and emotional. We were off and on again for a little while until it was finally for good around December. So not soon after she ends up dating a guy I had my suspicions about when we were together, an older dude with kids. And now she's pregnant. Like holy ****. It's so weird and hard to believe. And at this point it's none of my business but I just had so much stake in that relationship it makes me kinda sick. She's changed so much.

I'm ready for the next woman to step into my life lol

I never really use to believe it, but people do change and sometimes we are oblivious to how far down those cracks go.

Can I ask why it got bad?

 

[NotSoLongAgo]

I never really use to believe it, but people do change and sometimes we are oblivious to how far down those cracks go.

Can I ask why it got bad?

Well I think between her working alot and me going to school we just sorta drifted apart by not being together as much. I think she started changing around that time, maybe I did too and just didn't notice because it's hard to notice your own changes. To be honest I can't fully explain what went wrong or what could've been done differently. It feels like it just sort of happened.

 

[Legendver2]

Well I think between her working alot and me going to school we just sorta drifted apart by not being together as much. I think she started changing around that time, maybe I did too and just didn't notice because it's hard to notice your own changes. To be honest I can't fully explain what went wrong or what could've been done differently. It feels like it just sort of happened.

When life gets in the way, a lot of things can happen when you're not mindful. From my own experience, it does seem that women move on a bit easier since for each decent girl, there seems to be a number of guys hovering around waiting for her to become single and strike. It's an unfortunate scenario that seems to be the norm these days, so with experience you'll be more aware. best thing you can do now is to focus on your studies and improve yourself for the next one, which I'm sure will work out better since you have more experience now. Good luck!

 

[NotSoLongAgo]

When life gets in the way, a lot of things can happen when you're not mindful. From my own experience, it does seem that women move on a bit easier since for each decent girl, there seems to be a number of guys hovering around waiting for her to become single and strike. It's an unfortunate scenario that seems to be the norm these days, so with experience you'll be more aware. best thing you can do now is to focus on your studies and improve yourself for the next one, which I'm sure will work out better since you have more experience now. Good luck!

Thanks! It is what I'm realizing, I just never thought she would be like that when the truth is anyone is capable of anything. That was naive of me I guess. It's definitely been a huge learning experience for me. I've been focusing on myself and it's been going really good for me. I'm ready to date again though.t:

 

[Erzengel]

Unfortunately, college love doesn't work for a lot of people. I think you do a lot of your growing up around that time which includes changing outlook, priorities, dreams etc. If she was working at the time, while you're in school, things just could have changed.

 

[NotSoLongAgo]

Unfortunately, college love doesn't work for a lot of people. I think you do a lot of your growing up around that time which includes changing outlook, priorities, dreams etc. If she was working at the time, while you're in school, things just could have changed.

True, very true. We actually started dating in High School. She's a few months older than me and a year ahead in school but she went one semester to college and never went back. Meanwhile I'm taking off next semester to a university to start on my bachelor's. She had so much potential too and I don't think she'll be going back to school. But like you said we're still growing up. I got my whole life to live.

 

[DA_Champion]

I need some second opinions on this, there's been a debate among friends.
Say you have an online dating profile, and a few pictures from various angles and scenarios, is this a good picture to include in the album:

Spoiler

The opinions for an against are below:

Spoiler

It's an action shot, the person look athletic, it shows a hobby and a lifestyle.

However, the helmet implies the person is a safety nerd, white socks don't go with bermudas, one shouldn't wear bermudas while cycling but biker shorts always, and there is a scowl on the face implying struggle rather than effortless cycling.

 

[NotSoLongAgo]

I need some second opinions on this, there's been a debate among friends.
Say you have an online dating profile, and a few pictures from various angles and scenarios, is this a good picture to include in the album:

Spoiler

The opinions for an against are below:

Spoiler

It's an action shot, the person look athletic, it shows a hobby and a lifestyle.

However, the helmet implies the person is a safety nerd, white socks don't go with bermudas, one shouldn't wear bermudas while cycling but biker shorts always, and there is a scowl on the face implying struggle rather than effortless cycling.

You make a good point of saying it shows the person has hobbies and is athletic, etc. Which is good because a person should have their own life. But at the same time when I see someone putting a picture like this out there I picture em going like "yeah, I look so cool in this one". In a *****ey way. But maybe i'm not the best to give an opinion since I don't really do the whole dating website thing.

 

[DA_Champion]

You make a good point of saying it shows the person has hobbies and is athletic, etc. Which is good because a person should have their own life. But at the same time when I see someone putting a picture like this out there I picture em going like "yeah, I look so cool in this one". In a *****ey way. But maybe i'm not the best to give an opinion since I don't really do the whole dating website thing.

What if his mother's name is Martha?

 

[NotSoLongAgo]

What if his mother's name is Martha?

WHY DID YOU SAY THAT NAME?!

 

[DJ_KiDDvIcIOUs]

So got my first official night out with my lady friend tonight. Just going into it with no expectations and plan on enjoying her company then kind of seeing where the night takes us. I'm looking forward to it but would be lying if I didn't say I was just a tad nervous. Gotta remember to ask questions as opposed to talking her head off as I'm known to do.

 

[Anita18]

Well I think between her working alot and me going to school we just sorta drifted apart by not being together as much. I think she started changing around that time, maybe I did too and just didn't notice because it's hard to notice your own changes. To be honest I can't fully explain what went wrong or what could've been done differently. It feels like it just sort of happened.

IMO then it wasn't really meant to be. People CAN certainly change drastically at that age, like Erz said. But if true compatibility is there, you don't need to be together constantly for a relationship to flourish.

This is different from one person needing more quality time together, BTW. I'm referring to how your personalities and values actually fit together. If someone's personality changes when you're not with them, that can mean they don't have a strong hold on what their personality IS, or maybe they suit their personality depending on who they're with, which is difficult for some people to handle in a relationship.

Before we were married, my husband worked upstate for almost a year. (He actually just took another job upstate, but luckily he's getting paid enough this time so that he can travel to see me on the weekends.) Yeah I missed him, but when I saw him, he wasn't a different person. He had already settled into who he was. That's why our marriage is so solid, because we were already stable in who we were before we got together. Our personalities complemented, they didn't overwrite.

Marriage is about stability, at the end of the day. You certainly had no idea how much she'd change, but believe me, if she did change this much within the span of a few months, it's for the better.

I need some second opinions on this, there's been a debate among friends.
Say you have an online dating profile, and a few pictures from various angles and scenarios, is this a good picture to include in the album:

Spoiler

The opinions for an against are below:

Spoiler

It's an action shot, the person look athletic, it shows a hobby and a lifestyle.

However, the helmet implies the person is a safety nerd, white socks don't go with bermudas, one shouldn't wear bermudas while cycling but biker shorts always, and there is a scowl on the face implying struggle rather than effortless cycling.

I think it's so-so, and not because of the fashion faux pas, which I didn't notice, actually. (And remember, straight woman speaking here. )

It's good in that it shows you doing something, but could be better in showing your face. That's what the photos are for - to give the other person an idea of what you look like, and there's not a lot of information there. And yeah, the scowl isn't too great either. My guy friends have gotten the most online dating success with pics where they're grinning and having fun, despite most guys' insistence on never smiling ever.

So got my first official night out with my lady friend tonight. Just going into it with no expectations and plan on enjoying her company then kind of seeing where the night takes us. I'm looking forward to it but would be lying if I didn't say I was just a tad nervous. Gotta remember to ask questions as opposed to talking her head off as I'm known to do.

Yup, remember, dating is a two-way street! Have fun!