The Relationship Thread: Because Superhero Forums are Full of Sexperts! - - Part 31

[Erzengel]

I’m in my first long relationship just over a year. What m I’m struggling with is we share not much in common, so she wants to spend more time and so I wind up doing a lot of ways I don’t want to spend my weekend. I guess that’s the work in a relationship giving some of you to please your partner. I just wish both of our time was spent doing more of what we both enjoy instead of when we spend time together o have to give up a day of doing any of my hobbies. I know for a fact the grass isn’t greener as I’m in my mid 30s and don’t feel like dating again. Guess I’m just stressed.

It's an interesting question whether it's better to have common values or common interests. I think I lean more towards the former while my wife thinks it's the latter. But maybe the answer is both. We are each other's travelling partner so she may want to see a specific museum but I maybe lean to a distillery or something more scenic. We try and do what the other person likes to do, which I think is healthy. If you are doing more what she wants to do and less what you want to do, that's an issue. But I also think you should try and do some of the stuff your partner does just cause it makes them happy and vice versa. I don't expect my wife to go to Comic Con with me and she doesn't expect me to sit and watch everything that she watches.

 

[theastsunnn]

I’ve put a lot of my own list of things I’ve always wanted in a partner because whatever I was doing for 34 years wasn’t working so I sacrificed things. One was I like a partner who helps me out with things. Maybe cleaning my place a little or making me dinner and lunch. My partners have always done that in my much shorter relationships and it helped tremendously with a busy schedule. My current gf doesn’t do any of those. I’ll work all day come home at 9 pm and the 6 dishes I left in the sink in the morning will still be there even though she’s been at my house for four hrs before me. That had really upset me because I hadn’t sat down all day and now I have to do dishes, yes they’re my dishes but still. I would’ve done Hers if roles were reversed. We do have good times and she has good qualities but I use this page to vent.

 

[Erzengel]

Does your current gf work?

 

[theastsunnn]

Does your current gf work?

Yes.

 

[MissMarvelous]

Yes.

Full-time? Part-time?

I was going to say: why would you expect her to do your dishes? But I need more context.

Same goes for the cooking.

Maybe she doesn't cook or takes care of the dishes but maybe she has her own stuff to take care, go to the gym, whatever that may be.

 

[theastsunnn]

Full-time? Part-time?

I was going to say: why would you expect her to do your dishes? But I need more context.

Same goes for the cooking.

Maybe she doesn't cook or takes care of the dishes but maybe she has her own stuff to take care, go to the gym, whatever that may be.

Full time and part time, I would expect my partner just to help me out if they have been at my house for 4 hours and know I haven’t been home from 6 am to 9 pm and I know they have been watching TV at my place from 5:30 to 9 when I got there.

 

[Babillygunn]

Have you asked her if she would help you? Or are you expecting her to do it on her own?

 

[Erzengel]

A few thoughts:

If you leave dishes in the sink, then you may be setting a bad example. If everytime she came over, your dishes were always washed and drying or put away, it may motivate her.

If she comes from a home that she never really had to clean up after herself, again the behavior might not just be there.

Also, this is your place? Not you and your partner's place? Maybe it'd be different if it was "our place"? When I used to hang out at a gf's place, yes I was younger, my first thought was never, hey, let me vacuum. Secondly, you left 6 dishes in the sink. You. Not her and you correct? So you just want her to take the initiative to wash dishes that you left? Just something to consider.

 

[MissMarvelous]

Full time and part time, I would expect my partner just to help me out if they have been at my house for 4 hours and know I haven’t been home from 6 am to 9 pm and I know they have been watching TV at my place from 5:30 to 9 when I got there.

One full-time and another part-time job? Two jobs?

 

[theastsunnn]

A few thoughts:

If you leave dishes in the sink, then you may be setting a bad example. If everytime she came over, your dishes were always washed and drying or put away, it may motivate her.

If she comes from a home that she never really had to clean up after herself, again the behavior might not just be there.

Also, this is your place? Not you and your partner's place? Maybe it'd be different if it was "our place"? When I used to hang out at a gf's place, yes I was younger, my first thought was never, hey, let me vacuum. Secondly, you left 6 dishes in the sink. You. Not her and you correct? So you just want her to take the initiative to wash dishes that you left? Just something to consider.

Yes because I was out on my feet for the entire day. Busting my butt and yes it’s my place but I would think my partner who was just sitting around watching tv all day would think hmm maybe I can take one load off his plate since he’s going to have to do them when he gets home. So me who’s been gone again from 6am to 9pm before I sit down I have to knock these dishes out. Now I didn’t have to, but I don’t like dishes in sink, if I can help it and wanted them done before I relaxed. It just upset me that I am working all day and I come to my house and my partner is watching tv and couldn’t do 5 minutes of work to help.

 

[MissMarvelous]

Sorry, but I still don't understand whether if she has two jobs or not. Or if you have a full-time job and she has a half-time job.

For what I understood, she has two jobs (or a job and a half) and she's still expected to cook and do the dishes (not hers). And not being able to have 4 hours of her time for herself... that'd be absurd.

If that's not the case, then I'm with the guys: if she lives with you, it would be nice to compromise. I bet she's making a lot of those too.

The best way to resolve the situation (in my opinion) is to talk about it. Sounds cheesy, but I don't think that guys can read each other's minds :P

 

[theastsunnn]

Sorry, but I still don't understand whether if she has two jobs or not. Or if you have a full-time job and she has a half-time job.

For what I understood, she has two jobs (or a job and a half) and she's still expected to cook and do the dishes (not hers). And not being able to have 4 hours of her time for herself... that'd be absurd.

If that's not the case, then I'm with the guys: if she lives with you, it would be nice to compromise. I bet she's making a lot of those too.

The best way to resolve the situation (in my opinion) is to talk about it. Sounds cheesy, but I don't think that guys can read each other's minds

She has a full time job and works part time at another job. I just described my day. 6 am to 9pm. When do I get my alone quiet time?

 

[MissMarvelous]

She has a full time job and works part time at another job. I just described my day. 6 am to 9pm. When do I get my alone quiet time?

Your working day is from 6pm to 9pm? Or you work and then, I don't know, go to the gym? or study?

About the quiet time: I think we all have "romanticized" (as people call it nowadays) living together with one's partner, but I don't think that's easy. It takes commitment and compromise a lot of things.

 

[InCali]

She has a full time job and works part time at another job. I just described my day. 6 am to 9pm. When do I get my alone quiet time?

If she's working a full and part time job, I can understand not cleaning up. If you're working 15 hour days, rinse the dishes and get around to washing them (maybe together) when you get a chance. If you don't have a dishwasher, find a place where you're comfortable leaving rinsed dishes and do them when you get a chance.

I'm not sure if this is the case with you, but some people overlook what people actually do for them and focus on what isn't done. Those people are pretty miserable because they can only be happy if everything is perfect.....if even then.....

 

[InCali]

Sorry, but I still don't understand whether if she has two jobs or not. Or if you have a full-time job and she has a half-time job.

For what I understood, she has two jobs (or a job and a half) and she's still expected to cook and do the dishes (not hers). And not being able to have 4 hours of her time for herself... that'd be absurd.

If that's not the case, then I'm with the guys: if she lives with you, it would be nice to compromise. I bet she's making a lot of those too.

The best way to resolve the situation (in my opinion) is to talk about it. Sounds cheesy, but I don't think that guys can read each other's minds

Honey, when you're working two jobs and I'm doing 15 hour days, we're getting a goddamn maid.

 

[MissMarvelous]

Honey, when you're working two jobs and I'm doing 15 hour days, we're getting a goddamn maid.

Oh, hell yeah, bb.

 

[Erzengel]

She has a full time job and works part time at another job. I just described my day. 6 am to 9pm. When do I get my alone quiet time?

Well what do you want a girlfriend or your alone quiet time?

And I echo other people here. If she's working a full time job and a part time job, I'm assuming she's doing 40 hours and anywhere up to another 20 hours? If she's eating food on your dishes and leaving it on top of yours that's one thing, but you expect her to clean your place when she spends time over? It'd be different if she's living with you but while to you it's simple courtesy, but it sounds to some of us that you're looking for someone to go over and beyond.

 

[Babillygunn]

Yeah, I’m thinking that she’s working one and a half jobs, probably doing chores at her house as well…expecting her to clean your place seems a little extreme.

Have you ever asked her, “hey, would you mind cleaning the dishes for me?” And explain that you’re exhausted when you get in? Because if you are expecting her to do it on her own, that might be asking a lot. After all, didn’t you get really angry at her for surprising you by inviting you and your brother to dinner? She might be weary of taking initiative after that.

I’m just curious, if you work 15 hour days on your feet, when do you have time for 3 hour gym sessions? You really probably need to get more sleep.

 

[theastsunnn]

Yeah, I’m thinking that she’s working one and a half jobs, probably doing chores at her house as well…expecting her to clean your place seems a little extreme.

Have you ever asked her, “hey, would you mind cleaning the dishes for me?” And explain that you’re exhausted when you get in? Because if you are expecting her to do it on her own, that might be asking a lot. After all, didn’t you get really angry at her for surprising you by inviting you and your brother to dinner? She might be weary of taking initiative after that.

I’m just curious, if you work 15 hour days on your feet, when do you have time for 3 hour gym sessions? You really probably need to get more sleep.

That particular day I worked from 7 to 4 and was at the gym from 4 to 8;30 got home at 9

 

[Erzengel]

When you're first in a relationship, I think we tend to glamorize a relationship and maybe have some unrealistic expectations for someone. That they should think, speak, act, do things a certain way because that's how you are, however that may not be who they are. But we are all different and we all are on a learning curve in most relationships and none of us are mind readers. You've been with her for over a year. There are studies that men know within the first year if they want to get married. (Not that marriage should be the end goal for everyone). My point is you are still either still crazy for this girl or you're not.

 

[MissMarvelous]

What would you guys say is/are the main difference/s between a man who is still young and a fully grown-up man (or a gentleman)?

 

[Erzengel]

Wisdom.

 

[Babillygunn]

What would you guys say is/are the main difference/s between a man who is still young and a fully grown-up man (or a gentleman)?

Young men are still jealous and insecure. Grown men are more confident, and are more sure of themselves and who they are.

 

[theastsunnn]

When you're first in a relationship, I think we tend to glamorize a relationship and maybe have some unrealistic expectations for someone. That they should think, speak, act, do things a certain way because that's how you are, however that may not be who they are. But we are all different and we all are on a learning curve in most relationships and none of us are mind readers. You've been with her for over a year. There are studies that men know within the first year if they want to get married. (Not that marriage should be the end goal for everyone). My point is you are still either still crazy for this girl or you're not.

Luckily there’s no role that you have to know first year whether you’re getting married. I do agree though most men know, but I don’t see anything wrong in seeing where things go. Not everything had to be black and white

 

[Erzengel]

My comment on marriage is not necessarily about an end goal but more of a "Hey, you've been together for over a year, some of these issues that are bothering you should have already been discussed at this stage."