The Relationship Thread: Because Superhero Forums are Full of Sexperts! - - Part 31

[Flash525]

I think that a lot of time, people really know what they need to do and just have different ways of getting there. Listening is a skill we should all become better at.

On this, I can definitely agree.

There's certainly no shortage of people who feel the need to express their opinion when nobody has even asked for it.

Fuelled by social media no doubt!

 

[MissMarvelous]

in my experience, women tend to talk more than men.

Excuse you?

Yes, us women tend to talk (or express ourselves) more than men but I've met a few men who talk way more than me. I think it depends on the person, really. And the kind of background or environment you grew up in, some men are more in touch with their feelings than others.

In my opinion, or in my case, I talk about my issues/problems/etc in order to process the whole thing or to send it to the "ether" so that it's gone. Most probably would get mad or irritated if the other person tells me what to do but depending on the case, I think that soft suggestions are always welcome. Within these lines: what if...? Have you tried...? Would/have you consider doing this...? Would you like me to help you with that?

Just a sincere: how does it make you feel? is highly appreciated.

 

[Flash525]

In my opinion, or in my case, I talk about my issues/problems/etc in order to process the whole thing or to send it to the "ether" so that it's gone. Most probably would get mad or irritated if the other person tells me what to do but depending on the case, I think that soft suggestions are always welcome. Within these lines: what if...? Have you tried...? Would/have you consider doing this...? Would you like me to help you with that?

Just a sincere: how does it make you feel? is highly appreciated.

This sounds very Samaritan-y. I approve.

 

[MissMarvelous]

This sounds very Samaritan-y. I approve.

Thank you

 

[Erzengel]

My wife has been burnt out because of all the Covid death she sees as a nurse. Wtf am I supposed to say to her than just listen to her problems?

 

[Flash525]

My wife has been burnt out because of all the Covid death she sees as a nurse. Wtf am I supposed to say to her than just listen to her problems?

Maybe listening is all you need to do?

You can't solve anything here, and you can't take away her experiences or memories of those deaths. All you can do is support her mate. If she needs to offload her day, listen, if she needs to have a cry (as I imagine many doctors and nurses do) just be there. I'm sure you're doing just fine. I can't imagine she's looking to you for a solution, not unless you work for the CDC?

 

[RetrogradeOrbit]

My wife has been burnt out because of all the Covid death she sees as a nurse. Wtf am I supposed to say to her than just listen to her problems?

Something like “What can I do to help you?”
And maybe just listening to her tell you what it’s been like for her is enough, or at least a good start...

 

[MissMarvelous]

My wife has been burnt out because of all the Covid death she sees as a nurse. Wtf am I supposed to say to her than just listen to her problems?

I still don't know how they do it! To be surrounded by so much pain and death and still have the strength to wake up and go back to that.

Like the guys said, listen to her... She just needs to get it out of her system. All the small details count: breakfast in bed or you just showing up for her lunch break (should she have one), picking her up after work, buying something nice for her (nothing too big, nothing too fancy), buying her favorite wine or dinner.

 

[Erzengel]

I was just piggybacking along the topic of "not trying to solve a wife's/woman's problems" because there are times you can't do anything but listen. But I do appreciate the feedback.

 

[InCali]

My wife has been burnt out because of all the Covid death she sees as a nurse. Wtf am I supposed to say to her than just listen to her problems?

Nothing.

My wife works at a rehab facility and it's extremely high stress. Beyond the problems of the patients themselves, some people seem to be more interested in protecting their turf than setting up a coherent treatment and discharge planning apparatus and this frustrates her to no end. I was putting away some groceries for my mom when she called and told me she needed to talk. I told her to give me 5 minutes and I would get back to her. During that time, I kept telling myself "follow your own advice, follow your own advice", etc.....

After our talk, I got the following text:

"Thank you for calling! I felt really loved and appreciated!"

My response was "I'm Jussa " (liked by her)

Whew!!!

 

[ComicChick]

I was just piggybacking along the topic of "not trying to solve a wife's/woman's problems" because there are times you can't do anything but listen. But I do appreciate the feedback.

tell Erzette that she is much appreciated and I thank her for what she does.

 

[InCali]

I still don't know how they do it! To be surrounded by so much pain and death and still have the strength to wake up and go back to that.

Like the guys said, listen to her... She just needs to get it out of her system. All the small details count: breakfast in bed or you just showing up for her lunch break (should she have one), picking her up after work, buying something nice for her (nothing too big, nothing too fancy), buying her favorite wine or dinner.

Yeah. I like to do little things out of the blue; especially if she's feeling a little bit down. I like to think it makes up for stuff I won't, or don't, do.

 

[Erzengel]

Guys, I can only have sex with her so often.

 

[MissMarvelous]

Yeah. I like to do little things out of the blue; especially if she's feeling a little bit down. I like to think it makes up for stuff I won't, or don't, do.

Very good, very very good.

It's the small details that count and they don't require too much energy.

 

[InCali]

Very good, very very good.

It's the small details that count and they don't require too much energy.

My wife has been close to sainthood during this whole COVID thing. I've been caring for my mother and don't get home much. I get home only once a week and when another family member can give me a break (not very often). We have a standing lunch date on that day. I bought her a couple of bottles of Justin Cabernet (Paso Robles) when I went shopping the other day.

We are looking at some properties in Santa Cruz with the idea of moving there someday in the future. It gives us something to look forward to. We're looking for a sunny place where we can put in a swimming pool and retractible enclosure so it can be used year around. I'm going to make it sort of a recreation room. We have lots of work in front of us before we do it, but the planning and ideas are something we can share and it's a lot of fun to dream.

When we move, you....missy, will be invited.

 

[MissMarvelous]

When we move, you....missy, will be invited.

I'm ready.

 

[InCali]

I'm ready.

You and your GIFs. If you're as cute as that one, we may keep you.

 

[MissMarvelous]

You and your GIFs. If you're as cute as that one, we may keep you.

Always the generous one...

 

[RetrogradeOrbit]

Guys, I can only have sex with her so often.

There are so many jokes I could respond with to this, but I shall be a good lad...

 

[Flash525]

There are so many jokes I could respond with to this, but I shall be a good lad...

Give in to the dark side. It's more fun.

 

[MissMarvelous]

Give in to the dark side. It's more fun.

Yeah, we have cookies!

And confetti.

 

[Hobgoblin]

I met with my wife and a real estate agent yesterday. He estimated our house as more valuable than her parents did, which was satisfying. They do their own research on everything and think they know better than experts.

Later she and I were talking and she still has hope for us. She won’t accept that I’ve given up. She told me that I never told her I would leave her, so I listed two times that I did. I could have given more examples but didn’t want to rub it in. I gave her reasons why I was unhappy and she said I never said those reasons were serious enough that I would leave.


I just can’t with that woman. We agreed to meet with the agent again Wednesday but I think I’ll skip it. He can email me his opinion.

 

[MissMarvelous]

I gave her reasons why I was unhappy and she said I never said those reasons were serious enough

Still she didn't apologized, she's putting it all on you and that you didn't tell her what was happening or that your reasons were not serious enough.

It's been like a month since you left the house?

 

[Hobgoblin]

Almost a month, yes.

She texted me last week saying she hadn’t listened to me or my needs and she was sorry. She hadn’t been independent from her parents and didn’t stick up for our relationship. It doesn’t change anything but it was vindicating to hear.

It was amazing to hear her say that I didn’t tell her that my complaints were serious enough to leave her. I guess my complaining about the same issues again and again for years didn’t warrant concern for her.

 

[InCali]

Almost a month, yes.

She texted me last week saying she hadn’t listened to me or my needs and she was sorry. She hadn’t been independent from her parents and didn’t stick up for our relationship. It doesn’t change anything but it was vindicating to hear.

Yet other times she says I put all of my troubles and blame on her. She says I’m screwed up and need help. I feel like I’m getting jerked around.

It was amazing to hear her say that I didn’t tell her that my complaints were serious enough to leave her. I guess my complaining about the same issues again and again for years didn’t warrant concern for her.

I'm glad to hear you were able to articulate the reasons you made the choices you did and it sounds like you are heading in the right direction. We ALL have issues we can work on. No one in the world can say "I'm done. I'm perfect and right where I need to be". That's fantasy and I really think finding a therapist you are comfortable with is a good idea (again, I have my biases on this and think therapists do important work).

Never be surprised by people's ability to misremember, remember what they want.....or outright lie because it's in their interest. I have a very close relative who remembers things that just didn't happen. This person happens to be very smart, thinks a lot about various things, and doesn't understand why everyone, everywhere can't see that she's 100% correct all the time. She once told me a bunch of things I wouldn't have believed if she hadn't said them so convincingly and it was pretty devastating to hear them. I later found out she told someone in our family that "I" said those things to "her". The sound heard was my jaw hitting the floor. The situation has been resolved in my family, but those statements have made it virtually impossible for our relationship to be anything other than a perfunctory one. So be it. I did nothing to bring any of the issues about. I'm not angry about it anymore; it's just that the trust can never be restored as I found out these sorts of statements, and "mis-remembrances") have been made before by this person.

The whole point of this is not to shine a light on a single situation that happened, but, rather, to serve as an illustration that you can happily move on with your life even though you can't necessarily bring everyone along with you.

Best of luck.