The Relationship Thread: Because Superhero Forums are Full of Sexperts!

[runawayboulder]

Well obviously didn't work. You could have just took each interaction as it came. I mean if you were just polite and she was being rude then people would see it.

Other people have but like I said earlier, I was just as guilty about how things went down as she was.

Plus, now you have expectations over the relationship (even if it's just a friend-relationship) because of the flowers you sent. Just talk to clear the air, that should be enough. She doesn't owe you anything.

There's no more talking that can be done at this point. I'm kinda done with it. The entire situation is just frustrating, so I had to vent. Things are going to remain unresolved or as resolved as they're going to get.

 

[SpideyVille]

Makes sense, I'll be sure to do that in the future.. In the meantime I just have to figure out how to recover from failing to plant a seed.

And I totally respect holding out. Don't give up man!

Again, not to sound like a cliche, but rejection is something that you just need to get used to and in time, hopefully, you'll get better at picking yourself up. The most important thing for you to know is that its not the end of the world if someone doesn't like you back. It definitely sucks, especially if you have to see the person on a daily basis and they are what you want at one point in time, but one way or another, you'll find a way to move on.

And I'm on the fence about my own situation. Like I know I'm going to find a great girl who complements me in all of the right ways one day, but I also know that I need to do things to improve myself as a person.

I think Spidey needs to just go on dates and not worry about finding "the one".

You know, I kinda had sort of an epiphany this past weekend, and I think its because I had a few days away from work and all of the drama I managed to get myself involved with there. But while I'm not saying I'm going to start going out and becoming a man ****e or something, I do feel like the idea of meeting "the one" is definitely hindering my relationships with females in general. It's almost like just the idea or prospect of meeting a girl brings in all of these thoughts of what can be, and that's where I get hung up on, before anything even happens. So I'm trying to get away from that and just meet and talk to people for the sake of talking to them and meeting new people.

I'm with Anita on the princess thing. You shouldn't treat a girl like trash, but doing the princess thing is just as off putting. I'd think most girls just wanted to be treated like a normal person. I treat my wife really well, I'm always there for her if she needs it, however, I will tease her from time to time, but she'll do the same. I'll also call her out if I think she's out of line.

This was another thing that I realized about myself over the weekend. I tend to treat girls like a princess and somehow that makes little nice gestures come off too strong and possibly even desperate. Like I said, once there is the chance of something potentially happening with a girl that I'm interested in, I mess it up. So my new approach is to just treat girls, that I am interested in or find attractive, as though they are just a regular person. I mean, when I know a girl has a boyfriend or something, I don't try to impress them and I've made many great friends just because of that. But with girls that are single, I know I need to stop placing them on a pedestal because they actually can pick up on that, and some would even purposely use it to their advantage.

Y'know, I just need to vent about something and this is the appropriate place....

I had a relationship with a girl a couple of years ago that (I admittedly) torpedoed because of my own personal faults. Long story short, fast forward to the past few months when I was re-evalutating my life to this point and I was pretty ashamed by how I acted. We had been still been in occasional contact though texts, email, Facebook, whatever and I really made it a point to smooth things over and let her know how regretful I was about the entire situation and how I handled it even though she wasn't all that innocent when things started to implode. It was a real oil and water situation to say the least.

It took a couple orders of flowers and a letter to express that to let her know I was serious. She actually did respond and I made it clear to her that my intentions were not so much to get back with her as to try and start over to be friends and just be civil towards each other. She was totally receptive towards that.....at first, then the next few times I reached out to say hello I was completely ignored. Why the ***k even answer me in the first place? It's like she thinks she "won" or something because I was the one to apologize. I don't understand why some people have so much hatred and anger in their heart. Let that crap go and just act like an adult for christ sake....

This reminds me of the story that I told about the girl that I wasn't into at first, but then really liked after a while and ended up pushing her away because of my own personal issues. But basically, I was angry because she wasn't being honest about something and all I wanted was the truth, but that caused us to have a big falling out. I blamed myself for a long time after that, and even though I hated her for saying mean things to me, I believed it and took it so personally that I just wanted to curse her out the next time I saw her.

But when I finally saw her months later, I couldn't stop apologizing to her and I took all of the blame. It wasn't until another few months later that I was reminded of why I was so upset with her, and I finally realized that while I did react in a wrong way the first time, I was completely justified for feeling the way that I did, and that allowed me to go to her one day and say we couldn't be friends because I knew I deserved better. It was tough because I never thought I could move on from her, and I hated seeing her happy without me, but in the end, I knew I just had to cut ties with her because it was not healthy.

And to echo what others have said, if you really just wanted to smooth the friendship over, a simple apology would have sufficed. But the fact that you felt like flowers and stuff were needed just goes to show there was something wrong with her and that you're better off not even trying to fight for it.

 

[Nell2ThaIzzay]

IMO, it doesn't mean anything unless she smiles at you. I've inadvertently stared at people when I'm merely thinking.

Unless you think your first date will involve staring contests.

If I can have a staring contest with her bewbs, I'm game!

 

[webhead9707]

Again, not to sound like a cliche, but rejection is something that you just need to get used to and in time, hopefully, you'll get better at picking yourself up. The most important thing for you to know is that its not the end of the world if someone doesn't like you back. It definitely sucks, especially if you have to see the person on a daily basis and they are what you want at one point in time, but one way or another, you'll find a way to move on.

And I'm on the fence about my own situation. Like I know I'm going to find a great girl who complements me in all of the right ways one day, but I also know that I need to do things to improve myself as a person.


You know, I kinda had sort of an epiphany this past weekend, and I think its because I had a few days away from work and all of the drama I managed to get myself involved with there. But while I'm not saying I'm going to start going out and becoming a man ****e or something, I do feel like the idea of meeting "the one" is definitely hindering my relationships with females in general. It's almost like just the idea or prospect of meeting a girl brings in all of these thoughts of what can be, and that's where I get hung up on, before anything even happens. So I'm trying to get away from that and just meet and talk to people for the sake of talking to them and meeting new people.


This was another thing that I realized about myself over the weekend. I tend to treat girls like a princess and somehow that makes little nice gestures come off too strong and possibly even desperate. Like I said, once there is the chance of something potentially happening with a girl that I'm interested in, I mess it up. So my new approach is to just treat girls, that I am interested in or find attractive, as though they are just a regular person. I mean, when I know a girl has a boyfriend or something, I don't try to impress them and I've made many great friends just because of that. But with girls that are single, I know I need to stop placing them on a pedestal because they actually can pick up on that, and some would even purposely use it to their advantage.
This reminds me of the story that I told about the girl that I wasn't into at first, but then really liked after a while and ended up pushing her away because of my own personal issues. But basically, I was angry because she wasn't being honest about something and all I wanted was the truth, but that caused us to have a big falling out. I blamed myself for a long time after that, and even though I hated her for saying mean things to me, I believed it and took it so personally that I just wanted to curse her out the next time I saw her.

But when I finally saw her months later, I couldn't stop apologizing to her and I took all of the blame. It wasn't until another few months later that I was reminded of why I was so upset with her, and I finally realized that while I did react in a wrong way the first time, I was completely justified for feeling the way that I did, and that allowed me to go to her one day and say we couldn't be friends because I knew I deserved better. It was tough because I never thought I could move on from her, and I hated seeing her happy without me, but in the end, I knew I just had to cut ties with her because it was not healthy.

And to echo what others have said, if you really just wanted to smooth the friendship over, a simple apology would have sufficed. But the fact that you felt like flowers and stuff were needed just goes to show there was something wrong with her and that you're better off not even trying to fight for it.

The part I bolded is almost exactly how I feel.

 

[Anubis]

That's not likely to happen.

You'll be lucky to get 65, maybe 70% of what you want.

 

[Anita18]

You know, I kinda had sort of an epiphany this past weekend, and I think its because I had a few days away from work and all of the drama I managed to get myself involved with there. But while I'm not saying I'm going to start going out and becoming a man ****e or something, I do feel like the idea of meeting "the one" is definitely hindering my relationships with females in general. It's almost like just the idea or prospect of meeting a girl brings in all of these thoughts of what can be, and that's where I get hung up on, before anything even happens. So I'm trying to get away from that and just meet and talk to people for the sake of talking to them and meeting new people.

Yeah, I think that will help, for sure.

This was another thing that I realized about myself over the weekend. I tend to treat girls like a princess and somehow that makes little nice gestures come off too strong and possibly even desperate. Like I said, once there is the chance of something potentially happening with a girl that I'm interested in, I mess it up. So my new approach is to just treat girls, that I am interested in or find attractive, as though they are just a regular person.

Well yeah, cause we are regular people. Shocker!

That's not likely to happen.

You'll be lucky to get 65, maybe 70% of what you want.

And in my case, he checked off boxes I didn't even know I had.

I mostly wanted someone who wasn't intimidated by my intelligence, who was okay with my being introverted, and who thought I was attractive. I didn't expect getting a life cheerleader, but it's a very nice bonus.

Again, I suppose I wish he was different. I have more muscle than he does right now, which doesn't exactly make me want to jump his bones when I look at him. But then again I do have a serious soft spot for adorkable, skinny nerds, so who knows what I want.

 

[Nell2ThaIzzay]

See... people act like "Oh, people aren't vending machines, you can't just dump in good deeds and expect a relationship to come out", but then turn around and treat potential romantic partners as a checklist of "oh, well they checked this many boxes, so they must be acceptable"... and then wonder why they get treated like vending machines.

Just meet somebody, talk to somebody, go out with somebody, and see how you feel about being around that person physically, emotionally, mentally. Stop going through a checklist of "they need to be this, this, this, and that" but then getting upset when people treat relationships with you "like a vending machine"

 

[Anubis]

The two are not applicable.

One is cold calculated logic, the other is prostitution.

 

[Anita18]

See... people act like "Oh, people aren't vending machines, you can't just dump in good deeds and expect a relationship to come out", but then turn around and treat potential romantic partners as a checklist of "oh, well they checked this many boxes, so they must be acceptable"... and then wonder why they get treated like vending machines.

Just meet somebody, talk to somebody, go out with somebody, and see how you feel about being around that person physically, emotionally, mentally. Stop going through a checklist of "they need to be this, this, this, and that" but then getting upset when people treat relationships with you "like a vending machine"

Well to be fair, you should have SOME kind of checklist when you're scoping someone out for a relationship. It's stupid to make it incredibly specific (like physical attributes or same hobbies or salary requirement - gimme a break), but "doesn't creep me out" should be on that list, for example.

That doesn't mean we're treating people like vending machines. That just means they're incompatible with us, at a basic level. Might as well move on so both people don't waste their time on something that just won't work out.

 

[Anubis]

I mean come on, you go out, you have nice conversations. You like how you feel being around that person. You're physically attracted to her, but guess what? She's also a Neo Nazi. I don't know about you, but that's a dealbreaker for me.

That's why I'm like, 60, 70% is the dogs bollocks. Hell, 50% is a blessing.

 

[Nell2ThaIzzay]

Is the Neo Nazi hot?

 

[SpideyVille]

It's funny because my sister in law were talking yesterday and I mentioned how something like religion is a big issue that can cause problems between people, and how seeing what I've learned from my past experiences, I would prefer someone who didn't go to church or place much importance on Christianity and Catholicism because I just don't want to deal with that again. But then I also said, knowing myself, I'd probably meet a girl who was into Buddhism or some other religion and say "Hey, I might as well try this now for a while," just because of her. So that's not to say that it's a deal breaker for me or anything, but more of a situation that I hope to avoid if I can.

 

[Ms. Marvel]

It's funny because my sister in law were talking yesterday and I mentioned how something like religion is a big issue that can cause problems between people, and how seeing what I've learned from my past experiences, I would prefer someone who didn't go to church or place much importance on Christianity and Catholicism because I just don't want to deal with that again. But then I also said, knowing myself, I'd probably meet a girl who was into Buddhism or some other religion and say "Hey, I might as well try this now for a while," just because of her. So that's not to say that it's a deal breaker for me or anything, but more of a situation that I hope to avoid if I can.

What happened?

 

[Erzengel]

See... people act like "Oh, people aren't vending machines, you can't just dump in good deeds and expect a relationship to come out", but then turn around and treat potential romantic partners as a checklist of "oh, well they checked this many boxes, so they must be acceptable"... and then wonder why they get treated like vending machines.

I think Anubis said it best by saying the 2 aren't comparable. We all have qualities that we are looking for and I've said this for a while and Anubis said the same thing, you're only going to find like 50-70% of what you're looking for.

And it goes the same way, if there was a girl who was really into you, but there was something missing whether it was personality or even looks, it wouldn't matter how many gifts, attention, etc. she gave you.

Just meet somebody, talk to somebody, go out with somebody, and see how you feel about being around that person physically, emotionally, mentally. Stop going through a checklist of "they need to be this, this, this, and that" but then getting upset when people treat relationships with you "like a vending machine"

I know this is a sore spot with you because you feel you're either being judged incorrectly or prematurely.

We all have checklists. I think in general most people would want someone who was at least intelligent enough to carry a conversation, be somewhat attractive even in just their eyes, and have a comparable personality.

Maybe instead of a vending machine analogy we should use a slot machine. Most of the time it doesn't pay out.

 

[Anubis]

Spot on ole boy. Spot on.

 

[webhead9707]

I think Anubis said it best by saying the 2 aren't comparable. We all have qualities that we are looking for and I've said this for a while and Anubis said the same thing, you're only going to find like 50-70% of what you're looking for.

And it goes the same way, if there was a girl who was really into you, but there was something missing whether it was personality or even looks, it wouldn't matter how many gifts, attention, etc. she gave you.



I know this is a sore spot with you because you feel you're either being judged incorrectly or prematurely.

We all have checklists. I think in general most people would want someone who was at least intelligent enough to carry a conversation, be somewhat attractive even in just their eyes, and have a comparable personality.

Maybe instead of a vending machine analogy we should use a slot machine. Most of the time it doesn't pay out.

Well said.

 

[Nell2ThaIzzay]

I think Anubis said it best by saying the 2 aren't comparable. We all have qualities that we are looking for and I've said this for a while and Anubis said the same thing, you're only going to find like 50-70% of what you're looking for.

And it goes the same way, if there was a girl who was really into you, but there was something missing whether it was personality or even looks, it wouldn't matter how many gifts, attention, etc. she gave you.



I know this is a sore spot with you because you feel you're either being judged incorrectly or prematurely.

We all have checklists. I think in general most people would want someone who was at least intelligent enough to carry a conversation, be somewhat attractive even in just their eyes, and have a comparable personality.

Maybe instead of a vending machine analogy we should use a slot machine. Most of the time it doesn't pay out.

The point is, the "checklist" mentality leads to a mentality of "if I do this, this, and this, then that will make me desirable", because I mean... the person you're courting has a "checklist" of what they are looking for.

Of course people are gonna start thinking if they do "X, Y, and Z" then they "should" get a date, because that's how people are treating potential dates and romantic partners, is as "filling out 50% of a checklist"...

For the record, yes, I do have what would be considered a "checklist", but at the same time, it changes depending on who I meet on a case by case basis. Sometimes a person "checks" a lot of boxes, but doesn't capture my interest, and sometimes a person "checks" very few boxes, but does capture my interest.

Because you can't narrow a person down to just "well they gave me 50-65% of what I want"

 

[Erzengel]

But you don't know what the person you're courting is looking for, unless you're online dating.

But if a girl is online and saying, I'm looking for a 6'4, active professional and you're a 5'5 slough of a guy working fast food, you can't do this, this or this to make yourself desirable.

Another example, if someone is looking for someone who's into the arts, likes the outdoors, loves dogs, there's only so long you can fake that.

Or if you're looking for someone who is funny and charming and you're neither of those, I'm not exactly sure how you can fool that person.

So, again, I'm not quite sure what you are getting at. There's only so much you CAN do and everything else is out of your hands.

Edit:

Because you can't narrow a person down to just "well they gave me 50-65% of what I want"

Dating is essentially an exercise in compatibility. You go on date after date until you figure out if this person is right for you.

Some people it's more about attraction. So they don't care if they share limited interests, qualities, etc.

Others do. I think women looking to settle down, are looking for a guy who's either working his way to some sort of occupation, living in a place of his home or working towards that, similar future plans in terms of relationship. I think most people would say if they could find that, that'd be a good 30-40% of what they were looking for.

 

[Anita18]

The point is, the "checklist" mentality leads to a mentality of "if I do this, this, and this, then that will make me desirable", because I mean... the person you're courting has a "checklist" of what they are looking for.

Of course people are gonna start thinking if they do "X, Y, and Z" then they "should" get a date, because that's how people are treating potential dates and romantic partners, is as "filling out 50% of a checklist"...

For the record, yes, I do have what would be considered a "checklist", but at the same time, it changes depending on who I meet on a case by case basis. Sometimes a person "checks" a lot of boxes, but doesn't capture my interest, and sometimes a person "checks" very few boxes, but does capture my interest.

Because you can't narrow a person down to just "well they gave me 50-65% of what I want"

Um, the thing is, your date doesn't know what your checklist is. So there's no way you could change yourself to be 100% of someone's checklist, unless that person is a total *****e and tells you they want someone who's dressed a certain way, for example. Or won't date anyone above a certain weight.

My checklist is for basic compatibility. YMMV with that, I don't know what y'alls checklists entail. Faking acceptance of hermitness or a stutter or intelligence and showing some ambition is a lot more difficult to do than what you're thinking. I haven't come across anyone who can fake any of that, period. I certainly haven't come across anyone who would even bother. But maybe I'm not hot enough.

 

[Nell2ThaIzzay]

http://www.buzzfeed.com/ashleyperez/24-things-single-people-are-tired-of-hearing

 

[webhead9707]

http://www.buzzfeed.com/ashleyperez/24-things-single-people-are-tired-of-hearing

I like this one. I like it a lot.

 

[the last son]

Today at gym, this woman and I have been exchanging looks for a few weeks now. She was directly across from me. I looked at her she was looking at me. This went on about 3 times 4 seconds each. As I left I walked past and looked her in her eye, she did the same. Next time I see her I'll give a smile and a hello. She's interested right?

 

[amazingfantasy15]

Today at gym, this woman and I have been exchanging looks for a few weeks now. She was directly across from me. I looked at her she was looking at me. This went on about 3 times 4 seconds each. As I left I walked past and looked her in her eye, she did the same. Next time I see her I'll give a smile and a hello. She's interested right?

I think saying hi at this point is too soon, you should exchange a few more glances and moments of eye contact.

 

[the last son]

No need for the sarcasm. Lol

 

[Boy Scout]

Today at gym, this woman and I have been exchanging looks for a few weeks now. She was directly across from me. I looked at her she was looking at me. This went on about 3 times 4 seconds each. As I left I walked past and looked her in her eye, she did the same. Next time I see her I'll give a smile and a hello. She's interested right?

Go for it.