Attack of the *Official* Relationship Advice Thread

[Cuyan]

Infatuation doesn't sound accurate, because infatuation can be "non-romantic". If you know what I'm sayin'.

 

[DV8]

I think I'm going to have to chalk that one up to being a little desperate and eager to make it work. I mean there were some cool things that my friend told me about this girl, but deep down inside, I was trying to convince myself that despite the many other things that we wouldn't see eye to eye on, that I would still make it work. But then at that point, its more like I'm trying to force it to work and that just wouldn't be fair.

don't be desperate; women can smell it like cheap cologne; you gotta have some confidence no matter what your weaknesses are; I know fat/ugly guys that get chicks ALL DAY cuz they think they're so fresh it makes it true . . . women love that

This makes me realize that I have never really tried to just get to know someone. Its always been more like I want to know more about someone I have feelings for so that I could justify those feelings as opposed to actually getting to know them and letting that determine whether I have feelings or not. Kinda like with this last girl and how I wanted t get to know her even though I already liked her without meeting her.

yeah, I did that all throughout high school, and it's the wrong way about living your social life; holla at a LOT of chicks bro; you're single, you just get out there and get numbers, chop it up; be social w/ lots of people and you will start getting to know a lot of females, learn a lot about them; become better in social situations and in the process, you'll become more and more desirable to women

 

[Anita18]

True. I will admit that deep down inside I've been very insecure about myself. It hasn't been until recently that I've started to believe the positive reinforcement that people have given me and have come to believe that I actually am someone that is worth getting to know. I just need to find a way to apply that mentality to some action.

Funny how that works, doesn't it? I was single for 6 years and trying to convince myself I wasn't an ugly ogre, and when I first started dated my bf it felt like I was settling because I couldn't get anyone better.

Luckily that feeling's changed since a) he's proven his commitment, generosity, and patience 10000x over and b) I've realized I'm not as cool as I think I am either. Well not in a low self-esteem sort of way, but rather, realizing that feeling entitled to a "perfect on-paper bf" makes you kind of insufferable.

Besides, why would I need a social butterfly bf if I wasn't a social butterfly myself? I'm kind of quiet, awkward, and definitely dorky, so it makes much more sense that my bf would be quiet, awkward, and dorky too.

 

[Cuyan]

...why would I need a social butterfly bf if I wasn't a social butterfly myself? I'm kind of quiet, awkward, and definitely dorky, so it makes much more sense that my bf would be quiet, awkward, and dorky too.

This is the perfect way to approach your romantic life. Congrats to you.

 

[steintym]

It's not settling if you find someone that is a perfect match.

 

[Anita18]

This is the perfect way to approach your romantic life. Congrats to you.

Yeah I was just commenting about this article on Facebook. One commenter didn't agree with the lesson, because nobody would have motivation to "improve." And I took offense at that, cause changing yourself just to attract someone else is really, really stupid. In order to keep them attracted, you'll have to lie to them 24/7, and they're supposed to know you the best! Then the entire premise of the relationship is a sham, and it's not even the point of being in a relationship, unless you just want someone hot to willingly have sex with you on a regular basis.

It doesn't matter if we can't get the hottest, most popular guy/girl in the room - the real goal is to find someone who completely accepts who we are, someone who inspires us to be better but doesn't force us to change.

 

[Nell2ThaIzzay]

So what are the odds of something working out between 2 people who are of opposite political and religious beliefs?

 

[Anubis]

Slim to none.

 

[Cuyan]

So what are the odds of something working out between 2 people who are of opposite political and religious beliefs?

That all depends on their priorities.

 

[terry78]

Does either of those political or religious beliefs involve one of you killing the other?

 

[Anita18]

Nerdy guys tend to appreciate.

In every sense.

Hah I just remembered. Case in point - Bill Gates was the richest guy in the entire world for a while, and he's been happily married to his wife for almost 20 years.

And despite what The Social Network had you thinking, Mark Zuckerberg has been with the same girl since college, before he got rich and famous. He's still with her and she actually has had to set down some rules for actual date time because he's such a workaholic.

So yeah, nerdy guys rock.

 

[Nell2ThaIzzay]

She's a good old fashioned down home southern country, conservative, Christian girl, while I'm an urban west coast kid, non Christian liberal.

It's probably waaaayyyyy to early to even be thinking about stuff like that, this is in the way way way way early stages, but knowing what I know about her I can't help but consider it. And I don't mean that in a bad way, I think she's an incredibly sweet girl (she's not someone I just recently met, we actually have a slight knowledge of each other), and I'd like to think that it wouldn't be a problem on my end, but I'm not really sure just how significant this type of thing can be in this situation.

 

[Anita18]

She's a good old fashioned down home southern country, conservative, Christian girl, while I'm an urban west coast kid, non Christian liberal.

It's probably waaaayyyyy to early to even be thinking about stuff like that, this is in the way way way way early stages, but knowing what I know about her I can't help but consider it. And I don't mean that in a bad way, I think she's an incredibly sweet girl (she's not someone I just recently met, we actually have a slight knowledge of each other), and I'd like to think that it wouldn't be a problem on my end, but I'm not really sure just how significant this type of thing can be in this situation.

Depends on how open-minded they are. In my experience, most people who don't support gay marriage simply don't know any gay people personally. It's probably not a coincidence. But if someone's willing to change their minds about it, that's A LOT preferable than someone who's steadfastly my-way-or-the-highway.

My coworker is also Christian and goes to church every Sunday, but she doesn't impose it on us and she actually believes the US should really separate church and state, not this half-assed thing we've been doing. So that's cool.

 

[Nell2ThaIzzay]

Depends on how open-minded they are. In my experience, most people who don't support gay marriage simply don't know any gay people personally. It's probably not a coincidence. But if someone's willing to change their minds about it, that's A LOT preferable than someone who's steadfastly my-way-or-the-highway.

My coworker is also Christian and goes to church every Sunday, but she doesn't impose it on us and she actually believes the US should really separate church and state, not this half-assed thing we've been doing. So that's cool.

Yea I guess that's the thing. We know each other, and have for a little bit now, but we don't know each other that well, so I don't know how she'd react to my core beliefs. Also, while I know of her beliefs, I don't know to just what extreme they run, either. I don't inherently hate conservatism or Christianity, and in many instances believe they both can be very good. But I highly dislike the intolerance that can come from both of those groups (even if it is a minority). I don't know if she's the type of conservative Christian I can get along with (my best friend and his wife are conservative, not particularly Christian although they did just find a new church to attend, and I get along with them great because we have a mindset to respectfully disagree; I also have many many many Christian friends who believe in Christianity as part of their life, but like you said in your example, don't force it on others. That I can deal with) or the bat**** insane types that make me want to bash in their temple with a crowbar

Guess the only thing to do is give it a shot and see how it goes. For what it's worth, there's at least a mutual interest there I think, she's not just interested in going out, she seems down right excited about us going out, hehe.

 

[SpideyVille]

don't be desperate; women can smell it like cheap cologne; you gotta have some confidence no matter what your weaknesses are; I know fat/ugly guys that get chicks ALL DAY cuz they think they're so fresh it makes it true . . . women love that


yeah, I did that all throughout high school, and it's the wrong way about living your social life; holla at a LOT of chicks bro; you're single, you just get out there and get numbers, chop it up; be social w/ lots of people and you will start getting to know a lot of females, learn a lot about them; become better in social situations and in the process, you'll become more and more desirable to women

Yeah, part of me feels like I just need to stop looking and hoping for a relationship and just focus on getting out more and just meeting people and taking things from there. Its going to happen when it happens but when I try to manipulate it to happen, then that's only preventing it from happening.

Funny how that works, doesn't it? I was single for 6 years and trying to convince myself I wasn't an ugly ogre, and when I first started dated my bf it felt like I was settling because I couldn't get anyone better.

Yeah, that's what I meant about the whole "getting something better" thing. When I thought this girl like me last year, I thought something was wrong with her because of how into me she was. But even though I didn't like her or found her attractive, part of me fell for her simply because I wanted a girlfriend and she was my only real option at the time.

Besides, why would I need a social butterfly bf if I wasn't a social butterfly myself? I'm kind of quiet, awkward, and definitely dorky, so it makes much more sense that my bf would be quiet, awkward, and dorky too.

Sometimes I fall into that thinking, but then other times I think of the saying "opposites attracts", and I just don't know which to follow. Like my brother was just like me when he started college. And then one day this girl asked him a question in class and (this part of the story depends on who tells it) according to his now-wife, he was always talking to her and looking for any opportunity to use the class as his way of getting to know her until they started going out. But she was and still is pretty outgoing whereas he wasn't. She even told me how she would go to a club with him and tell him to sit down while she went to the dance floor to dance. They seemed to be opposites, yet somehow they've been together for 14 years, granted now my brother goes out with her more and she doesn't go to clubs or parties, but somehow they made it work.

Yet at the same time, its like I rather have more in common with someone. Like hearing about a girl that has some knowledge on comics and games and an interest in art is a real turn-on for me because its a big part of my life and who i am and I want to at least know I'll be accepted for that. Like my friend thinks I'm a big geek just for going to comic-con, and things like that almost make me feel ashamed to admit that I'm a big superhero fan, which sucks because I feel like then I have to hide a huge part of myself.

Yea I guess that's the thing. We know each other, and have for a little bit now, but we don't know each other that well, so I don't know how she'd react to my core beliefs. Also, while I know of her beliefs, I don't know to just what extreme they run, either. I don't inherently hate conservatism or Christianity, and in many instances believe they both can be very good. But I highly dislike the intolerance that can come from both of those groups (even if it is a minority). I don't know if she's the type of conservative Christian I can get along with (my best friend and his wife are conservative, not particularly Christian although they did just find a new church to attend, and I get along with them great because we have a mindset to respectfully disagree; I also have many many many Christian friends who believe in Christianity as part of their life, but like you said in your example, don't force it on others. That I can deal with) or the bat**** insane types that make me want to bash in their temple with a crowbar

Guess the only thing to do is give it a shot and see how it goes. For what it's worth, there's at least a mutual interest there I think, she's not just interested in going out, she seems down right excited about us going out, hehe.

I'm pretty sure I've mentioned the first girl I liked in college and how she was Christian. My initial reaction was to stay the hell away from her because I thought she would be super "holier than thou" like my mom was and still is. But we started talking and I realized she wasn't like that at all. She was more of the "show your faith with you acts" kind of Christian where she didn't brag about it or impose it onto people, and that not only actually made me like her even more, but it also made me decide to give her a church a chance. I was raised Catholic but I had a hatred for God at that time even though I secretly prayed for help every night, so meeting her was a nice help.

But with that said, we didn't end up dating because she had an ex from before she started going, and an ex-fiance that she met in the church. But regardless of those obstacles which were personal, there would have also been religious obstacles such as how the church condoned dating. I've mentioned before that a lot of the Christian churches that I've have seen or heard of all do this thing where they will tell you not to date or even see someone anymore if they find out things are getting physical. They are very strict with the "no sex before marriage" thing and they really are against dating someone outside the church without converting them because they feel like that would be an entry way for sin (meaning they might think you'll cause her to sin).

I'm not saying you have no chance because ultimately the decision is up to her. But I will say, and not to scare you off or anything, that the church, depending on how strict they are, may get in the way so be careful with that. But you should definitely give that a shot and just worry about crossing that bridge when you get to it. Like I said, it's her decision and all you need to care about is her and what she wants. If church is really important to her, you have to prepare yourself to deal with the possibility that she may put church and God before you at times.

 

[Anita18]

Sometimes I fall into that thinking, but then other times I think of the saying "opposites attracts", and I just don't know which to follow. Like my brother was just like me when he started college. And then one day this girl asked him a question in class and (this part of the story depends on who tells it) according to his now-wife, he was always talking to her and looking for any opportunity to use the class as his way of getting to know her until they started going out. But she was and still is pretty outgoing whereas he wasn't. She even told me how she would go to a club with him and tell him to sit down while she went to the dance floor to dance. They seemed to be opposites, yet somehow they've been together for 14 years, granted now my brother goes out with her more and she doesn't go to clubs or parties, but somehow they made it work.

Yet at the same time, its like I rather have more in common with someone. Like hearing about a girl that has some knowledge on comics and games and an interest in art is a real turn-on for me because its a big part of my life and who i am and I want to at least know I'll be accepted for that. Like my friend thinks I'm a big geek just for going to comic-con, and things like that almost make me feel ashamed to admit that I'm a big superhero fan, which sucks because I feel like then I have to hide a huge part of myself.

It really depends on how you are. My first bf was very social and I always felt bad (bothering on low self-esteem kind of bad) that I wasn't as outgoing. I look at his party pics on Facebook now and wonder how the heck did we last so long anyway, we were so different in that respect. It works better that my current bf and I are both fairly shy and introverted. He'll go with a friend to go skateboarding sometimes and I'm fine with that, but dragging me to social events and parties all the time is a no-go.

What's funny is that now I'm the one dragging him to social events, but they're like, once every few months. I always give him an out too, I never force him to go if he doesn't want to.

My bf isn't really into comics or movies or design either, but he thinks it's cool that I'm really into it. I try to explain some of it to him because his projects can sometimes involve design, and sometimes he'll explain skateboarding or programming, but we're not uber-fans of each other's interests. I think that's fine, you have to see what makes you compatible. Maybe it'd be okay for you if your partner was a complete opposite socially, but had more interests with you in common. It really depends.

 

[SpideyVille]

It really depends on how you are. My first bf was very social and I always felt bad (bothering on low self-esteem kind of bad) that I wasn't as outgoing. I look at his party pics on Facebook now and wonder how the heck did we last so long anyway, we were so different in that respect. It works better that my current bf and I are both fairly shy and introverted. He'll go with a friend to go skateboarding sometimes and I'm fine with that, but dragging me to social events and parties all the time is a no-go.

What's funny is that now I'm the one dragging him to social events, but they're like, once every few months. I always give him an out too, I never force him to go if he doesn't want to.

My bf isn't really into comics or movies or design either, but he thinks it's cool that I'm really into it. I try to explain some of it to him because his projects can sometimes involve design, and sometimes he'll explain skateboarding or programming, but we're not uber-fans of each other's interests. I think that's fine, you have to see what makes you compatible. Maybe it'd be okay for you if your partner was a complete opposite socially, but had more interests with you in common. It really depends.

Yeah it was a little weird with the girl that my friend was supposed to hook me up with because on one hand, she was a big comics fan and like artists and guy who were smart, which was a huge plus for me. But then she smokes, drinks the heavy stuff and wants to get a lot of tattoos, and those were a huge no-no for me. So it was like half of her sounded great while the other half sounded horrible. That's why I insisted on meeting her at some point because I wanted to see her personality and how she acts so that I could decide whether it was worth pursuing. Part of me didn't want to while the other part felt I really needed to give it a shot.

But I think the biggest thing for me is just having someone who will at least understand and accept me and my hobbies. Like I don't sit around chatting about Superman and his history and stuff, but at the same time, I can do that and I'd hate to feel like someone is judging me if I were to do so.

 

[Erzengel]

I think in general the best you are going to get is someone who "tolerates" your hobby. And maybe it's better to each have you own "thing" and typically those who break up with you after initially thinking your hobby was "cute" and "endearing" is just using that as an excuse.

 

[Cuyan]

Generally speaking I could lean towards agreeing with you. However, I have found that passion can be contagious. If you are with someone, romantically, and they are truly passionate about something, whatever it is, sometimes your feelings and desire to be closer to that person can ignite a similar passion in you. I still believe that people need a singular escape in their life, but that doesn't mean a person can not, or will not, develop an interest in something they previously had never thought about or even been exposed to.

 

[Erzengel]

It depends on the passion, depends on the someone you are seeing.

I mean, I've seen usually women, who take up "sports teams" of someone they are dating. On the other hand I'm a NY Giants fan who's with a Pittsburgh Steelers fan.

I can understand being supportive but often more times than not, it doesn't ignite a passion.

 

[Cuyan]

I have found the opposite to be true in my experiences.

Of course igniting new passions depend on the people involved, just the way everything depends on the anyone involved for anything. My point was, in a relationship, new passions can be found where there may have previously been none. There is no point in hiding or lessening things you enjoy to appease someone else. If your connection is honest and truthful with the other person, they will accept whatever you choose to do with your free time. If they do not, it shows that there is a level you did not connect on and perhaps the two of you are not best suited for one another.

 

[Erzengel]

For the most part if you are in a semi decent relationship, the person you are with is going to support/tolerate your hobbies even if they aren't actively interested or part of it themselves.

And if they don't, you're probably not with the right person and like I previously said, they are going to use that as a character fault or the reason why they broke up with you.

 

[Cuyan]

I don't know if every person who doesn't care for someone else's interest in a relationship would use that as some sort of ammunition. I don't think all people are so petty.

At least I would hope not.

 

[steintym]

A lot of times couples will tolerate or even start enjoying their significant other's hobbies because they enjoy spending time and doing things together.

My wife and I now have a lot of common interests just because we like spending time with one another (usually - haha).

 

[Cuyan]

That is awesome that you two share so much. No big deal that you repeated what I said.