The Relationship Thread: Because Superhero Forums are Full of Sexperts! - - - - - - - - Part 27

[Anita18]

Everyone I know with a master's degree is still paying it off. It's like $60K-$80K of debt. You shouldn't bank on her supporting the both of you, unless you have that specific conversation.

She may be fine with it, but like I said, don't bank on it just because she has an advanced degree. She may need help financially herself.

 

[PacificBoy]

If I married a woman who has higher earning power and we both decided it's in the family best interests if I were to stay home and take care of the kids, I'd try to start a home business leveraging my skill sets or freelance.

I think it's a case of showing some ambition and keeping yourself relevant.

 

[the last son]

I have a first meet tonight with the lady with the master's degree. Well here goes nothing.

 

[the last son]

wants to meet at a bar tonight for a drink or two. As an alcoholic I guess I could just go there and have a Pepsi or something

 

[the last son]

Going to meet at a hotel bar, where her friend works. Anyone else think it's a chance I get lucky and get a room with her

 

[the last son]

date went pretty well. We went to the bar had a beer and just talked. It lasted for about two and a half hours when I ended it because I have work in the morning. I'll text or call her either Saturday or Sunday and see if she wants to go on an official date.

 

[hopefuldreamer]

Well, other than the flippant alcohol and sex comments that proceeded it, sounds like it went well.

Where would you take her for an 'official' date?

 

[the last son]

It did. I haven't quite thought of a place to take her for a date. She agreed to it already. She text me last night and told me she had a great time. Something fun for a official date. Maybe, putt putt, bowling, or dinner. Whichever she would prefer.

 

[the last son]

I took some of Anita's old advice today. Was supposed to meet someone today and she was so rude. Very demanding and bossing me around. I told her, I wasn't interested in meeting someone that rude. She responded with whatever and that was the end of that.

 

[hopefuldreamer]

So we sort of had a bit of 'the talk' last night... and it was exactly what i thought it would be. Pointless, confusing and frustrating.

Basically we were just talking about love, and he admitted he's never loved a women other than his mum and sister. We were discussing how we both agree that it's something that we don't really think happens until we really feel like we know the person well and have been close like friends.

And then we got onto the topic of people asking if I was his girlfriend and I said I kept getting the same thing and that I have been calling it 'seeing each other'. He said he refers to me sometimes as 'his girl' (like 'i'm going to go and see my girl tonight') but that he thinks we aren't in a relationship or commitment and we aren't exclusive.

He said he thinks we are friends who have a connection and have benefits. I said I don't really like that, cause I don't really wanna use the word friends, and he said he didn't mean we were just f buddies cause he wouldn't greet me with a kiss every time he sees me if it was just that.

I also said I have no intention of sleeping with anyone else, and he said he wasn't planning on it either, but that if I did it would be fine... I said I don't know how i'd feel if he did, but that i'd rather we were just honest so if he was to get with someone else he should definitely just tell me. It just sounded to me like he wasn't ready to cut off the OPTION of getting with someone else he fancied if it came up... which is a bit lame to me, but I have no idea if that's something that would change as we got closer.

I dunno... it's all confusing, and I knew it would be.

I mean, nothing said isn't what I had already assumed, but I preferred it being unspoken... there is something kind of deflating about confirming that you don't have any real feelings for each other and aren't a couple.

And it's a shame, cause we'd been having a nice evening and he'd told me is going to cook me a Portuguese dish after work on my birthday, so I was feeling good about things... and then after that conversation, I just felt a bit flattened and, well... sad

I guess it just feels 'typical'... and I was actually trying this time to NOT keep my guard up, to let whatever happened happen, to try and actually PLAN to see him a couple of times a week and do things together with friends and be SEEN together or cuddle up on the sofa watching movies and being close... all the kind of things I never allowed myself to do with previous guys because I wanted to keep the barrier up between fwb and 'relationship'.

Oh well, I guess all I can do is try and feel it out from here.

I will either digest everything and find that actually it's fine for now and it's still a nice company and sex and affection so i'll keep doing it.

Or i'll find that i'm actually not okay with it, and have to tell him so.

Annoyingly though, he keeps talking about why his ex girlfriends have dumped him before - because he was too casual basically... and I just keep saying not much back to that cause it's like 'well... maybe learn something from that?'

Oh well, I am not gonna obsess about it, cause I haven't been like that yet this whole time, and i'm not gonna start now it's official that we're NOT official

It did. I haven't quite thought of a place to take her for a date. She agreed to it already. She text me last night and told me she had a great time. Something fun for a official date. Maybe, putt putt, bowling, or dinner. Whichever she would prefer.

Sounds good I like bowling as a date, as long as neither of you suck so badly that it's embarrasing/boring/frustrating

Good luck

I took some of Anita's old advice today. Was supposed to meet someone today and she was so rude. Very demanding and bossing me around. I told her, I wasn't interested in meeting someone that rude. She responded with whatever and that was the end of that.

Yeah some people are just unaware of how they come across to other people and don't really care either. You're best rid of that.

 

[Vengeance of Bane]

Question! I have a date tomorrow at my place during the day. I haven't really been on that many dates that place during the day, so my question is... "How do I create a romantic atmosphere during the day?"

 

[Anita18]

Annoyingly though, he keeps talking about why his ex girlfriends have dumped him before - because he was too casual basically... and I just keep saying not much back to that cause it's like 'well... maybe learn something from that?'

Uhhh, yeah?

It really depends on what kind of future you want with him. I mean, maybe he isn't too hot on commitment now, but is he at least open to the idea of exclusivity with you down the line? That's really what you want to know.

If he doesn't believe in exclusivity or commitment with anyone ever, then you might as well throw in the towel now. But if he just hasn't taken the chance with anyone yet, and is willing to try it out with you, then there's still hope.

Because God knows that when my husband first said he wanted a long-term relationship with me, my romantic feelings for him were nonexistent. I said that most of my potential bfs fizzled out because I was like, "Meh" about it all. (I believe that was a direct quote. )

I DIDN'T say anything about not taking things further with him, so he interpreted it as he was going to keep seeing me as long as I said yes to each date. And look where we are now.


But I guess it's more confusing with you because from what you've posted, you're basically bf/gf aside from the official label. So it just seems that the label scares him for whatever reason.

Question! I have a date tomorrow at my place during the day. I haven't really been on that many dates that place during the day, so my question is... "How do I create a romantic atmosphere during the day?"

Eh, it's best that you don't. Trying to create an atmosphere that doesn't exist just makes the entire situation awkward. It's better if you just go with the flow.

Is this a first date? I mean, the point of a first date is to check each other out, personality-wise. It's best not to think of it as "impressing" the other person, that puts too much pressure on yourself.

You can create an atmosphere of intimacy without it being "romantic." Putting out candles during the day is silly, but cuddling on the couch watching a movie is intimate without being romantically silly.

 

[hopefuldreamer]

Uhhh, yeah?

It really depends on what kind of future you want with him. I mean, maybe he isn't too hot on commitment now, but is he at least open to the idea of exclusivity with you down the line? That's really what you want to know.

If he doesn't believe in exclusivity or commitment with anyone ever, then you might as well throw in the towel now. But if he just hasn't taken the chance with anyone yet, and is willing to try it out with you, then there's still hope.

Well yeah that's exactly the thing, and the reason why I didn't really want to have the conversation... cause I didn't want the idea taken off the table completely...

I don't feel like it was a definite never... but it just feels like a step back somehow.

Because God knows that when my husband first said he wanted a long-term relationship with me, my romantic feelings for him were nonexistent. I said that most of my potential bfs fizzled out because I was like, "Meh" about it all. (I believe that was a direct quote. )

I DIDN'T say anything about not taking things further with him, so he interpreted it as he was going to keep seeing me as long as I said yes to each date. And look where we are now.

But I guess it's more confusing with you because from what you've posted, you're basically bf/gf aside from the official label. So it just seems that the label scares him for whatever reason

Yeah, I mean i'm not in love with him, and I don't even see myself falling for him really... but it bothers me. And I can't even figure out why it bothers me so much... I guess it's just a reality check.

The thing is, I don't need another **** buddy. I've had enough of them. That experience is a been there, done that. I'm sick of it. I'm sick of having something that's not really anything. I'm sick of not being good enough for the real thing.

So I almost feel like I can't be bothered if that's all it is.

Why am I making all this effort, making myself really tired at work because i'm staying up late to see him after he finishes? Why am I cuddling with him and listening to him and maintaining interest in his stories and making effort in bed with him?

Just feels a bit pointless...

I dunno... I'll keep seeing him until my birthday, cause we have plans and it could be fun, and maybe having a good time with him will give me a different perspective or make me feel less deflated...

But it seems like I might just end up going the way of his ex's and stopping seeing him because he's just not involved enough...

Cause the truth is... as much as I WANT him to be the kind of person I could have something with, maybe he's just not. Maybe i'm trying to squeeze blood from a stone, trying to see potential for a bit of mutual love where there isn't any

 

[Anita18]

The thing is, I don't need another **** buddy. I've had enough of them. That experience is a been there, done that. I'm sick of it. I'm sick of having something that's not really anything. I'm sick of not being good enough for the real thing.

So I almost feel like I can't be bothered if that's all it is.

Why am I making all this effort, making myself really tired at work because i'm staying up late to see him after he finishes? Why am I cuddling with him and listening to him and maintaining interest in his stories and making effort in bed with him?

Just feels a bit pointless...

I dunno... I'll keep seeing him until my birthday, cause we have plans and it could be fun, and maybe having a good time with him will give me a different perspective or make me feel less deflated...

But it seems like I might just end up going the way of his ex's and stopping seeing him because he's just not involved enough...

Cause the truth is... as much as I WANT him to be the kind of person I could have something with, maybe he's just not. Maybe i'm trying to squeeze blood from a stone, trying to see potential for a bit of mutual love where there isn't any

I hope that you cuddle with him and do all that stuff because you like him as a person and what you do have together, not because you're want to be that person's girlfriend.

I mean, I get it. I still get a little "squee" when my husband refers to me as his wife. It's really nice when you agree that you're committed to each other like that.

But what you have with him isn't pointless if it doesn't have an official label. It sounds like you are fond of each other, that isn't pointless.

But if you do think that he will never come around and that you'll be "his girl" but not "girlfriend" for the foreseeable future (as in, years down the line), it's fair to give it up and look for what you DO want. If the commitment is important, you should go get it.

Cause even though my husband and I took it really slow, there was progress every time we saw each other. It wasn't stalled while we figured out what to call the relationship.

 

[hopefuldreamer]

I hope that you cuddle with him and do all that stuff because you like him as a person and what you do have together, not because you're want to be that person's girlfriend.

I mean, I get it. I still get a little "squee" when my husband refers to me as his wife. It's really nice when you agree that you're committed to each other like that.

But what you have with him isn't pointless if it doesn't have an official label. It sounds like you are fond of each other, that isn't pointless.

But if you do think that he will never come around and that you'll be "his girl" but not "girlfriend" for the foreseeable future (as in, years down the line), it's fair to give it up and look for what you DO want. If the commitment is important, you should go get it.

Cause even though my husband and I took it really slow, there was progress every time we saw each other. It wasn't stalled while we figured out what to call the relationship.

That's not what i'm saying.

It's not because I want to squee over the label. I couldn't give two stuffs about the label, and I told him that.

It's just what he is saying is different to that. I was just saying 'I don't really need to use the word, and it just leads to people asking stupid questions and being nosy'. He is saying he doesn't want the things that come with the label - i.e. not having the freedom to sleep with whoever you want, having it publicly known that you have feelings for someone etc

And just for once it'd be nice to have someone actually like me enough to not need to have their sexual options open. To like me enough to WANT people to know that we're together in a real and emotional way.

But I think maybe I was kidding myself that he was a possibility for that really, and it's not fair on him... he's never been anything but himself and honest, and I like that about him.

What we have is nice, and I would be sad to lose it.

The trouble is, by taking something 'more' off the table he's making me realize I actually wanted more. Which is making me have heart related feelings... and he doesn't reciprocate those feelings, so I can't let that escalate. I absolutely point blank refuse to be in another unrequited yearning situation.

 

[Erzengel]

Yeah, I mean i'm not in love with him, and I don't even see myself falling for him really... but it bothers me. And I can't even figure out why it bothers me so much... I guess it's just a reality check.

The thing is, I don't need another **** buddy. I've had enough of them. That experience is a been there, done that. I'm sick of it. I'm sick of having something that's not really anything. I'm sick of not being good enough for the real thing.

So I almost feel like I can't be bothered if that's all it is.

Why am I making all this effort, making myself really tired at work because i'm staying up late to see him after he finishes? Why am I cuddling with him and listening to him and maintaining interest in his stories and making effort in bed with him?

Just feels a bit pointless...

I dunno... I'll keep seeing him until my birthday, cause we have plans and it could be fun, and maybe having a good time with him will give me a different perspective or make me feel less deflated...

But it seems like I might just end up going the way of his ex's and stopping seeing him because he's just not involved enough...

Cause the truth is... as much as I WANT him to be the kind of person I could have something with, maybe he's just not. Maybe i'm trying to squeeze blood from a stone, trying to see potential for a bit of mutual love where there isn't any

I remember my first relationship and we said love pretty early on. I think within the first few weeks of us being together. We've known each other for a few months. In hindsight it was probably infatuation and hormones (we were intimate really quickly and she was my first), but by the end I did love her.

As someone who's wanted a gf since I was 6, I think I've always been prone to falling quickly? With my wife, it was probably 3 months and even a week break in between that I told her.

However, the funny thing is my wife has never come from the warmest of families, and she probably told me within 2 months?

So I think everyone is different but it really also depends on age as well but also finding the right person.

 

[hopefuldreamer]

I remember my first relationship and we said love pretty early on. I think within the first few weeks of us being together. We've known each other for a few months. In hindsight it was probably infatuation and hormones (we were intimate really quickly and she was my first), but by the end I did love her.

As someone who's wanted a gf since I was 6, I think I've always been prone to falling quickly? With my wife, it was probably 3 months and even a week break in between that I told her.

However, the funny thing is my wife has never come from the warmest of families, and she probably told me within 2 months?

So I think everyone is different but it really also depends on age as well but also finding the right person.

I guess it is a bit disconcerting when someone is openly telling you they've never felt love in that way before.

And even more than that, he talks about being devoid of a lot of 'feelings'. He says he doesn't really feel fear, that he doesn't really get sad like some people (said he would probably be the one inappropriately laughing at a funeral cause it makes him feel awkward).

And I don't wanna kid myself and think I could 'open up that side of him' or that if I wait around long enough I could find some kind of vulnerable side or that he'll actual start to get attached enough to me to have feelings... cause I could be waiting around a lot time for nothing.

But it is odd that someone can be so affectionate but claim to be so emotionally void.

*sigh* I really should have been a lot stricter in my expectations and just treated it as the casual fun it was... but it's just so hard when you're just yearning to feel those emotions again, to not put them on to anything that's close.

 

[Erzengel]

The thing that strikes me is him saying it wouldn't bother him if you hooked up with someone else. That's a red flag or a green flag if you weren't necessarily looking for a relationship.

 

[hopefuldreamer]

The thing that strikes me is him saying it wouldn't bother him if you hooked up with someone else. That's a red flag or a green flag if you weren't necessarily looking for a relationship.

Yeah, it's really weird to me too, especially when i've made it perfectly clear that it's just not the way I am... if i'm sleeping with someone on a regular basis, then that's who I stick too. It'd feel wrong sleeping with someone else and then just carrying on with the first person like it was nothing. No matter whether we've verbally committed and it'd be technically 'cheating' or not.

And that's why I wouldn't be okay with it.

I mean, obviously people have usually slept with other people before you, but I don't like the idea of sleeping with someone AT THE SAME TIME as they are sleeping with someone else, even if it's just once.

He even started chatting about polygamy in nature and I was just like 'well yeah, that's part of what makes humans different'.

I mean, I will defensively pretend a lot of things don't bother me, but the sex thing is more of a matter of respect that emotions... so I don't feel so bothered about showing that I don't agree with it.

Basically, it concluded with me just saying that whatever happens the most important thing for me is that there is honesty, cause there is nothing worse than trying to sneak around and do it behind someone's back... just tell me if you do it, and i'll either be okay with it or not. And he agreed with that, so I guess I can at least try and trust that I won't get screwed around in ways I have before.

It's just such an odd thing to be weird about... especially from a guy who DOESN'T sleep around. Who isn't some kind of sex addict who always has a few women on the go.

He hadn't had sex for a year before me (and that's not just from him, that's from our mutual friends).

So why be so reluctant about sticking to just one now that you've actually got it?

 

[Erzengel]

Do you know what's been his longest relationship?

 

[hopefuldreamer]

I don't, no, but I wouldn't imagine he's been in one a long time... I can't imagine any girl waiting around that long if he didn't express anything more than 'like' months down the line, and never made much effort in the relationship.

 

[webhead9707]

Dang Hopeful. I have comittment issues myself and I've seen the way it can hurt a girl, heck it hurts me too. I hope it gets better. Comittment issues suck.

 

[hopefuldreamer]

Dang Hopeful. I have comittment issues myself and I've seen the way it can hurt a girl, heck it hurts me too. I hope it gets better. Comittment issues suck.

Thing is, I have plenty of my own, which is why I was so willing to leave it 'unspoken'.

But now I feel like I'm in this really awkward position.

Cause if I did bring it up again, and said I wanted us to be official boyf and girlf... I'd feel like I was forcing him to agree to something he doesn't really want. And I don't want that, it will only lead to lies and resentment

So where do I go from here?

 

[webhead9707]

Thing is, I have plenty of my own, which is why I was so willing to leave it 'unspoken'.

But now I feel like I'm in this really awkward position.

Cause if I did bring it up again, and said I wanted us to be official boyf and girlf... I'd feel like I was forcing him to agree to something he doesn't really want. And I don't want that, it will only lead to lies and resentment

So where do I go from here?

I think now, you just decide if he's worth waiting to see if it could become exclusive.

 

[Erzengel]

Dang Hopeful. I have comittment issues myself and I've seen the way it can hurt a girl, heck it hurts me too. I hope it gets better. Comittment issues suck.

You're like 16-17?