The Relationship Thread: Because Superhero Forums are Full of Sexperts! - - - - - - - - Part 27

[Erzengel]

I don't, no, but I wouldn't imagine he's been in one a long time... I can't imagine any girl waiting around that long if he didn't express anything more than 'like' months down the line, and never made much effort in the relationship.

Maybe he's never had a long standing relationship that lasted more than a few months?

 

[Erzengel]

Question! I have a date tomorrow at my place during the day. I haven't really been on that many dates that place during the day, so my question is... "How do I create a romantic atmosphere during the day?"

Like Anita said, you really don't.

Just make sure your place is clean. I'd light candles a few hours before she comes over just to create a pleasant aroma or use those air wick or glade plug in.

 

[webhead9707]

You're like 16-17?

Well not BIG commitment. I've just realized that everytime I start dating a girl and I like her, and it comes time to make it "official" I get cold feet and start backing out.

 

[Erzengel]

Well explain to me where you are when you're about to make it official? Been on how many dates?

 

[Anita18]

You're like 16-17?

True fax.

Webhead, you teens make a big deal out of EVERYTHING. So either being bf/gf is the best thing under the sun, or the scariest thing ever.

Maybe he's never had a long standing relationship that lasted more than a few months?

If he's never loved anyone, that's very likely. But it doesn't mean he's utterly incapable.

Before my husband met me, his longest relationship was only a few months. I don't think he was serious about any of them - it was only when he met me that he saw something worth getting serious about. That's why I say that experience is overrated. It's mostly personality.

BUT when we met each other, we lived an hour away, so even with his blase attitude (that's still present now), he still needed to put in effort to see me.

 

[webhead9707]

Well explain to me where you are when you're about to make it official? Been on how many dates?

It varies from girl to girl. At one point we had been dating for a while and our friends were pressuring us, and then the other we hadn't been dating as long but we were STILL being pressured. Now I'm at the point where it's just like screw it we'll call eachother whatever we want when we want.

True fax.

Webhead, you teens make a big deal out of EVERYTHING. So either being bf/gf is the best thing under the sun, or the scariest thing ever.


If he's never loved anyone, that's very likely. But it doesn't mean he's utterly incapable.

Before my husband met me, his longest relationship was only a few months. I don't think he was serious about any of them - it was only when he met me that he saw something worth getting serious about. That's why I say that experience is overrated. It's mostly personality.

BUT when we met each other, we lived an hour away, so even with his blase attitude (that's still present now), he still needed to put in effort to see me.

Jerk. (But true.ldrazz) I just overthink everything. Scared of screwing something up I suppose. I'm also terrified of hurting someone I care about just because we don't work out in a romantic sense.

 

[Erzengel]

Do you really have to quantify, categorize everything?

Go on 1 date.
Had fun.
Go on 2nd date.
Have fun.
Go on 3rd date.
Have fun.
Repeat until you have some sort of chemistry.

The fact that your friends are pressuring you to be bf/gf with a girl after a couple of dates, means they know jack s' about relationships. It's also why most adults don't even consider most of the dating we did in high school as real dating.

 

[webhead9707]

Do you really have to quantify, categorize everything?

Go on 1 date.
Had fun.
Go on 2nd date.
Have fun.
Go on 3rd date.
Have fun.
Repeat until you have some sort of chemistry.

The fact that your friends are pressuring you to be bf/gf with a girl after a couple of dates, means they know jack s' about relationships. It's also why most adults don't even consider most of the dating we did in high school as real dating.

I can work with that. Problem is I'm a nerd deep thinker type in a stereotypical small town so it'll probably be a while til I can put it into practice. Don't find a whole lot of girls I'm interested in here.

 

[Matt Mortem]

I've got a minor hiccup with my girlfriend at the moment and not sure how to approach it. So right now we're both job hunting. We're both film school graduates so it's taking some time to get that kinda career going. She doesn't have a monthly income, but I do. She does, however, have a pretty big savings account. I have to pay for all of our food or she doesn't eat, yet she is completely ok with pulling out money from her savings to buy a brand spanking new gaming PC. I know this will start a massive fight if I bring it up, but my bank account gets down to cents by the end of every month, while hers is staying pretty pristine.

 

[Erzengel]

What if you explain to her, that you are having a hard time making ends meet?

 

[Anita18]

What if you explain to her, that you are having a hard time making ends meet?

Yeah that's something your girlfriend should care about.

Money is always tricky. It has a lot to do with culture too. That's why it's so important to talk about it honestly.

 

[hopefuldreamer]

I've got a minor hiccup with my girlfriend at the moment and not sure how to approach it. So right now we're both job hunting. We're both film school graduates so it's taking some time to get that kinda career going. She doesn't have a monthly income, but I do. She does, however, have a pretty big savings account. I have to pay for all of our food or she doesn't eat, yet she is completely ok with pulling out money from her savings to buy a brand spanking new gaming PC. I know this will start a massive fight if I bring it up, but my bank account gets down to cents by the end of every month, while hers is staying pretty pristine.

How long have you been paying for everything? Is it something you agreed initially, or did it just sort of gradually become the expected thing without a discussion?

I mean, personally I don't understand people like that... because my mum drummed into me a sense of pride about money. She never had any, but damned if she'd ever be treated like a charity case. She'd always find a way to pay her way/her fair share, and i've always felt like that as well.

But i've known people like your gf too.

I have this friend i've been on holiday with a few times, who would never buy any food for herself, but always ask for a slice/bit/sip/fork full of yours every couple of minutes, every time you ate. Then at the end of the holiday i'd have nothing left, and she'd have plenty left to get souvenirs and stuff, and it pissed me off so much I actually started saying I needed it all by the end of the second holiday, and forcing myself to eat all of my food even when I was so full I didn't want it

I don't think there is anything wrong with saying 'Look, I don't think it's fair that i'm paying for everything when you have money of your own.'

How she would take it, only you can know

I mean, yeah it's savings. But the money your spending on her could be building up savings of your own!

 

[hopefuldreamer]

Maybe he's never had a long standing relationship that lasted more than a few months?

I'm sure that's probably true. But neither have I realistically, and I was still building up to being official by 3 or 4 months in.

We're both very independant people. I mean, he obviously is, having moved to the UK on his own in his early twenties.

And I think there is a bit of 'hippie freedom' mentality in the mix.

He's talked about wanting to do things like get a caravan and go around japan, or get a small place with some land and grow his own food and weed and live independantly by his own rules.

I know... Sort of cliched :funny

The whole 'free love' idea is a part of that I guess.

And I have grown up with many many hippieish friends and so I can humour and sometimes even understand that mentality for the most part.

But sleeping with whoever you want and expecting me to not flinch... Yeah, not really going to work.

It almost makes me wanna sleep with someone else just to see what his actual reaction would be...

But yeah... I don't think I'm that bad. Depends how wound up I get about it I think.

Urgh, I just wanna turn my brain off!

He doesn't even know anything is wrong. Poor guy is just happily going along thinking he's having great fun with a wicked girl who gets him and isn't pressuring him... And I'm here talking about revenge cause I don't like some of the words he used and can't just be honest and tell him that?

Yeah... I'm gonna try and shut up now...

 

[Anita18]

I don't think there is anything wrong with saying 'Look, I don't think it's fair that i'm paying for everything when you have money of your own.'

How she would take it, only you can know

I mean, yeah it's savings. But the money your spending on her could be building up savings of your own!

I also don't get it on a logistical level. Even though you may have your own accounts (like my husband and I do)...you're building a life together, so the financial health of your partner WILL affect you down the road!

Like, my husband likely has the higher earning potential of the two of us. He doesn't spend all that frivolously, but compared to how I was raised, I sometimes go . He does save, BUT he doesn't have any investments or retirement savings. He almost doesn't believe in them, he thinks he'll always be able to earn the money when he needs it. So I've gotten it into my head that I have to save enough for retirement for both of us, because it just doesn't make sense for me to live comfortably while he lives in poverty when we're old. So I don't mind as much that he's covering a little more for me now, while I'm job-searching. Because I'm investing long-term and he isn't. Even if the money is officially in my name, I'm doing it for both of us.

I guess he's SOL if we get divorced, but it wasn't like he was saving for retirement on his own anyway.

I mean, the way that Matt Mortem words it, it's almost like they're just dating and they're not that serious.

He doesn't even know anything is wrong. Poor guy is just happily going along thinking he's having great fun with a wicked girl who gets him and isn't pressuring him... And I'm here talking about revenge cause I don't like some of the words he used and can't just be honest and tell him that?

Yeah... I'm gonna try and shut up now...

Then you have to tell him what's bothering you. You can't just go putting on a fake happy smile around him. That's NOT what healthy relationships are built on.

If you want more, you have to tell him. Maybe he isn't that opposed to commitment, but thinks he'll scare you off if he mentioned it. (Just like what you're doing right now with him. ) I mean, until recently, you sounded pretty darned free-spirited as well, and maybe that's what he thinks you are, and that you don't want commitment.

You don't know. You have to take a chance.

Either that, or you acknowledge that you're not serious now, but you're still willing to feel things out. That you decide to be happy with what you have with him and be patient, and not be upset about it.

But one thing for sure. Never EVER fake your feelings around someone who means a lot to you. They will only know you as the fake face you put on, not the real you. That is not what you want.

If you want exclusivity, if you want commitment, you have to ask for it.

 

[hopefuldreamer]

I also don't get it on a logistical level. Even though you may have your own accounts (like my husband and I do)...you're building a life together, so the financial health of your partner WILL affect you down the road!

Like, my husband likely has the higher earning potential of the two of us. He doesn't spend all that frivolously, but compared to how I was raised, I sometimes go . He does save, BUT he doesn't have any investments or retirement savings. He almost doesn't believe in them, he thinks he'll always be able to earn the money when he needs it. So I've gotten it into my head that I have to save enough for retirement for both of us, because it just doesn't make sense for me to live comfortably while he lives in poverty when we're old. So I don't mind as much that he's covering a little more for me now, while I'm job-searching. Because I'm investing long-term and he isn't. Even if the money is officially in my name, I'm doing it for both of us.

I guess he's SOL if we get divorced, but it wasn't like he was saving for retirement on his own anyway.

I mean, the way that Matt Mortem words it, it's almost like they're just dating and they're not that serious.

Well not everyone is as sensible as you

My mum's ex is actually a sponge. His ex before her warned her, and after it was over she so wished she'd listening.

He tends to latch on to single mothers, and it looks at first like he's the one providing the support. But he doesn't have anything of his own.

So he moves in to the nice home with nice furniture, and although he is working as a gardener and earning a bit of money for living expenses and the occasional romantic gesture like flowers or a meal out, any big expenditures end up being the 'resonsible ones' burden (i.e. my mum).

I don't know if she's sponging... but it definitely doesn't sound like she is giving any thought to sharing the cost of living... she's just taking it for granted he's paying for everything... and I personally think that's pretty selfish, no matter what you think about money in relationships.

Then you have to tell him what's bothering you. You can't just go putting on a fake happy smile around him. That's NOT what healthy relationships are built on.

If you want more, you have to tell him. Maybe he isn't that opposed to commitment, but thinks he'll scare you off if he mentioned it. (Just like what you're doing right now with him. ) I mean, until recently, you sounded pretty darned free-spirited as well, and maybe that's what he thinks you are, and that you don't want commitment.

You don't know. You have to take a chance.

Either that, or you acknowledge that you're not serious now, but you're still willing to feel things out. That you decide to be happy with what you have with him and be patient, and not be upset about it.

But one thing for sure. Never EVER fake your feelings around someone who means a lot to you. They will only know you as the fake face you put on, not the real you. That is not what you want.

If you want exclusivity, if you want commitment, you have to ask for it.

Yeah, you're definitely right.

I'm leaning towards feeling it out for now, because I AM willing to be casual at this stage.

I think what bugged me was that there was a lack of the word 'yet'.

So it wasn't 'I don't think we need to start calling each other boyfriend or girlfriend yet' or 'We don't have to be committed yet'... it was just I don't really wanna call it boyfriend and girlfriend and I don't wanna be committed...

I think what i'll need to do, is give it a while (cause I don't wanna make it look like i'm obsessing by discussing it so soon after... even though I am a bit ), say a few weeks... and then try and ask 'would you EVER'.

Cause that's really all I need to know.

Whether this anti commitment thing is a general view on relationships, or just something he doesn't jump into immediately.

 

[the last son]

I'm in deep crap. Second meet and sex was had. Now she's attached and invited me on vacation this weekend. This is moving too fast for me. She is smitten with me. She came over to my place not like I begged for sex. Oh boy. She's doing the driving, so I guess I'll go this weekend.

 

[Erzengel]

So you think it's going too fast but you're going to go on vacation with her because why?

 

[Anita18]

So you think it's going too fast but you're going to go on vacation with her because why?

Cause he just goes along with whatever, which I think was obvious the last go-round.

TLS, the deep crap doesn't pour all over you. You can step out of it if you want. I thought you learned your lesson last time. You can't appreciate your woman if ya know, you really don't feel it.

 

[hopefuldreamer]

Did you use protection?

 

[Erzengel]

Cause he just goes along with whatever, which I think was obvious the last go-round.

TLS, the deep crap doesn't pour all over you. You can step out of it if you want. I thought you learned your lesson last time. You can't appreciate your woman if ya know, you really don't feel it.

Well, I was hoping he'd answer it, but yeah when sex becomes involved he seems to complain about some of the conditions but goes along with it anyways.

 

[the last son]

Protection wasn't used. I was pretty intoxicated. It's her birthday weekend, so she wants to go out of town. She has a lot of qualities I like, but she's a little heavier than I like em. I'll eventually tell her where I stand. I don't really know where I stand. There's another girl I've been dating as well and like more.

 

[DeadPresident]

Dude are you trying to rack up as many pregnancy scares as you can in a calendar year?

 

[Schlosser85]

You're dating two girls at once?

 

[PacificBoy]

Protection wasn't used. I was pretty intoxicated. It's her birthday weekend, so she wants to go out of town. She has a lot of qualities I like, but she's a little heavier than I like em. I'll eventually tell her where I stand. I don't really know where I stand. There's another girl I've been dating as well and like more.

Sorry but that's irresponsible. Are you not bothered by the lack of protection used?

 

[Feenix]

Protection wasn't used. I was pretty intoxicated. It's her birthday weekend, so she wants to go out of town. She has a lot of qualities I like, but she's a little heavier than I like em. I'll eventually tell her where I stand. I don't really know where I stand. There's another girl I've been dating as well and like more.

Wow, you're a real prize . A part of me wants her to get pregnant and then take you to the cleaners.

Maybe you should focus on your drinking problem and not about having unprotected sex with women who you're not attracted to.