The Relationship Thread: Because Superhero Forums are Full of Sexperts! - - - - - - - - Part 27

[Anita18]

Well my approach is, it's just a label. It doesn't really say anything about you as a person.

Just because you've had sex even once, it doesn't really make you any different from what you were before. And it doesn't automatically make you Don Juan either. You can still get nervous having sex with someone for the first time.

 

[Ajendo]

So have this female friend that is a model and is really attractive. Lets just say her modeling pictures leave little to the imagination LOL. She is not a nude model or stripper or anything that btw. Anyway, she wants me take pictures of her and go on a road trip to film a music video for a local music artist we both know. She offers to pay for ONE hotel room for her and myself and I just pay for the gas. I make a comment about me paying for another room so we both can have our own space, but she INSISTS that we share a room. Now we know each other for almost a year and never hung out other than on music video projects I freelance on. She is nice and friendly but her lifestyle is a bit on the wild side. She is into some things I am not into to put in nicely.

I have this weird mental block about some female friends and don't really think about them in a sexual way, just because it's weird to me. She knows I am still a 26 year old virgin by choice, as I am waiting for the right girl. But I kinda got the feeling that she likes me more than a friend and this is her trying to seduce me or something. Like I said, I am cool with her and consider her a friend and yes she is attractive, but I don't want to hurt her or offend her by not sharing a room with her and telling her I don't have romantic feelings towards her.

I think it's weird she is insisting that we share a room, as most females would want a room to themselves and not share with a dude you know? Maybe I am reading to much into it? Any advice on how to handle this situation without damaging the friendship? Should I just share the room with her but make sure its a two bed room?

Here's what you should know...

In this day and age, save yourself for marriage and just bang her if thats what she wants. Trust me, saving yourself sexually for that special someone is a waste of time IMO, as chances are the person you think is that special someone has been ridden harder and faster than friggin seabiscuit.

 

[Ajendo]

I'm going to have date number five with a woman tonight. I dont feel that we have much in common and topics of conversation are few. How do I tell her that we should just be friends?

Just tell her.

 

[Ajendo]

Update to my situation with my female friend who is a local model who wanted to share a hotel room with me. I found out this WAS an attempt to get me alone try to de virginize me. She really should be more careful about what see posts on Facebook ha! It was vague what she was saying line up with the road trip with me to do the video shoot. I also sent a message to one her close friends on Facebook and managed to get enough info to determine if my thoughts are correct. She unintentionally spilled the beans but she doesn't know it ha. Now I am trying to figure out how to tell this girl I am not interested in a romantic relationship or a random hook up. Like I said, the girl is nice and I would like to at least remain friends with her, however her lifestyle is really out there and is a turn off for me.

I am NEVER in my life had an attractive model chick actively trying to DE- Virginize me before and when it happens, I have to stick to my guns/ morals and say no. I don't know why she is after me anyway, I will be the first to admit I am not the best looking guy around, don't have movie star looks or anything but I guess my personality and the appeal of being a virgin dude is what attracts her to me. Anyway, this is gonna be awkward conversation HA.

I respect your principles and good for you for standing up for what you believe in. I just hope when you finally do have sex you dont regret not having done it sooner. Trust me, some women....and guys are horrible at sex, in fact in some cases you would have been better whacking one out in front of your computer screen. Just make sure youre not putting the kitty on a pedestal because as great as sex is, imo its not worth waiting for. The sooner you can get it the better.

 

[Anita18]

Here's what you should know...

In this day and age, save yourself for marriage and just bang her if thats what she wants. Trust me, saving yourself sexually for that special someone is a waste of time IMO, as chances are the person you think is that special someone has been ridden harder and faster than friggin seabiscuit.

Eh, ShadowBoxer has not said whether he holds the same virginal standard for "the right girl." Right now it mostly sounds like he wants to be in a serious relationship first. Which is a fair thing to want - my husband would not physically handle casual one-night-stands well AT ALL. I will just say that. It was a tremendously good thing that we slept together when we cared about and trusted each other so deeply. And apparently I was the best woman he'd ever slept with, so.

And I will say, I do have female friends like myself, who were virgins into their mid-20s, but it isn't like you can suss us out at first glance. And to be fair, none of us are/were "10s," so just let go of that expectation right now, if you were hoping for a 25-y-o virgin "10."

If her being a virgin doesn't matter to him and she has no STDs, how many partners she's had before shouldn't matter at all then. In that case, only men with low self-esteem would care, because they'd worry if she's comparing him to previous sexual partners.

 

[Ajendo]

8/10 guys have low self esteem when it come to women/sex and relationships. Thats pretty much the basis as to why guys act so stupid and act like complete bastards towards women sometimes because there's always one thing or another that gets to them that involves the woman they're banging or want to bang. Me, personally, everyone and I mean everyone is GUILTY therefore, I've conditioned myself to not give a damn. I can be with a girl who's slept with half the male population and it not bother me because I'm only out mostly not completely but mostly for my own gratification. I cant get hurt.

 

[Anita18]

I respect your principles and good for you for standing up for what you believe in. I just hope when you finally do have sex you dont regret not having done it sooner. Trust me, some women....and guys are horrible at sex, in fact in some cases you would have been better whacking one out in front of your computer screen. Just make sure youre not putting the kitty on a pedestal because as great as sex is, imo its not worth waiting for. The sooner you can get it the better.

I do not understand why people can be "horrible at sex." You can be horrible at listening to your partner, and that makes you horrible at sex because you don't care/hear/see what your partner wants. Or your partner won't tell you because they are immature and thinks real-life sex is just like in porn.

From what female friends have told me, sex is not fun when the guy is just a brainless thrusting machine. Some girls might be into that, but not every girl is into that. It's never about how the guy couldn't get it up or how messy he was. It's when the guy doesn't seem to care about their pleasure, and yet he thinks he's a sex god because he did it exactly like he sees it in porn.

Caring about your partner's pleasure doesn't depend on experience. It depends on being a caring human being.

It's not like people are BORN knowing how to give you specifically a good time in bed. Not everyone likes the same things. You have to talk to each other and get to know each other's bodies and preferences.

Unless you are lucky and get with someone who has the exact same kinks as you do, sex will take honest communication. It will be awkward sometimes. It even be funny sometimes. But as long as you're having a good time with each other, everything else will fall into place.

 

[Anita18]

8/10 guys have low self esteem when it come to women/sex and relationships. Thats pretty much the basis as to why guys act so stupid and act like complete bastards towards women sometimes because there's always one thing or another that gets to them that involves the woman they're banging or want to bang. Me, personally, everyone and I mean everyone is GUILTY therefore, I've conditioned myself to not give a damn. I can be with a girl who's slept with half the male population and it not bother me because I'm only out mostly not completely but mostly for my own gratification. I cant get hurt.

Huh, I seemed to have lucked out by marrying one of the 20% then. (Hey, if you don't want to settle, then don't settle!)

But it helps that we're together for reasons other than financial/status/sex. There's a deeper trust there, that sex doesn't dislodge. We know what we have with each other. So I don't really care to know how many sexual partners he's had before me - all I wanted to know is if he was clean, cause that's actually the most relevant information about having multiple sexual partners.

 

[Ajendo]

I do not understand why people can be "horrible at sex." You can be horrible at listening to your partner, and that makes you horrible at sex because you don't care/hear/see what your partner wants. Or your partner won't tell you because they are immature and thinks real-life sex is just like in porn.

From what female friends have told me, sex is not fun when the guy is just a brainless thrusting machine. Some girls might be into that, but not every girl is into that. It's never about how the guy couldn't get it up or how messy he was. It's when the guy doesn't seem to care about their pleasure, and yet he thinks he's a sex god because he did it exactly like he sees it in porn.

Caring about your partner's pleasure doesn't depend on experience. It depends on being a caring human being.

It's not like people are BORN knowing how to give you specifically a good time in bed. Not everyone likes the same things. You have to talk to each other and get to know each other's bodies and preferences.

Unless you are lucky and get with someone who has the exact same kinks as you do, sex will take honest communication. It will be awkward sometimes. It even be funny sometimes. But as long as you're having a good time with each other, everything else will fall into place.

In my experience, I ALWAYS take control. Anybody who uses porn as a benchmark to how sex should be would be incorrect because there are so many variations of banging. Personally, I pleasure a woman exactly how she wants it and then I go above and beyond, exceeding all her expectations, blowing her mind completely because I know what women want sexually. However, some women that I have encountered are horrible at ******io like absolutely terrible. Some women are lazy, they want to stick to one boring-ass position, some women are just so frigid in bed to the point that I've found myself being bored and obviously failing to climax. Needless to say, they're never visited again and I meet up with someone else later that night or the next morning.
Its not just about listening but the inability to perform. If she wants t rough, she'll get it rough. If she wants a more sensually smoldering kind of impassioned softcore style, she'll get it too and so on and so forth. Sex is a game of adaptibility and many men and women simply don't know how to adapt.

 

[Ajendo]

Huh, I seemed to have lucked out by marrying one of the 20% then. (Hey, if you don't want to settle, then don't settle!)

But it helps that we're together for reasons other than financial/status/sex. There's a deeper trust there, that sex doesn't dislodge. We know what we have with each other. So I don't really care to know how many sexual partners he's had before me - all I wanted to know is if he was clean, cause that's actually the most relevant information about having multiple sexual partners.

You are indeed lucky and you're right. However, I've been with women who insist on knowing how many partners I've had and then that obviously facilitates trouble and insecurity on their part. Same with guys too who act the same way but it seems like you're a more realistic and reasonable person. Many men and women would be a lot happier if they shared a similar mindset.

 

[Anita18]

Sticking to one position doesn't mean they are "horrible at sex," it just means they weren't sexually compatible with you. It happens.

Some people get freaked out when more exciting things are suggested. Some care about some aspects of sex more than others. Everyone's different, and it's important to be able to talk about it.

 

[PacificBoy]

I think waiting for the right one or marriage is commendable, but the possible downside is that the expectation of sex then might be unrealistic, especially the longer you hold out, IMO.

I was in a similar position to ShadowBoxer and I ended up sleeping with the girl. We spoke about it afterwards, like adults, and continued being friends. To me, sex is just another act of physical intimacy. A very intimate one, yes, but just another act.

 

[hopefuldreamer]

Does anyone have any guidlines/opinions for whether to expect a birthday gift from someone you're seeing?

 

[Charlie Boy]

Depends on how long you've been seeing them, how serious it is and couple other variables.

 

[Erzengel]

If you're just seeing someone, I'd just take them out for dinner.

If you're in a monogamous bf/gf relationship, then a gift or some sort of token is usually dependent on how long and how well you know each other.

 

[hopefuldreamer]

Well it's my birthday coming up, and I feel like I will be a bit bummed if he doesn't get me anything... but I don't know if it would be unreasonable to be.

So we'll have been casually seeing each other for two months by the time it's my birthday. Met at parties and hung out a few times before that as well.

I've met some of his friends from work, we've verbally spoken about making sure we see each other at least twice a week, he's making compromises with his working schedule so it's easier to for us to spend time together, he comes out to meet me if i'm out with friends and he's gotten off early, he's fed me chocolate cake, given me massages, told me stuff/showed me pictures from his childhood, talked about places he wants to take me too and people he'd love me to meet etc

But he's also told me I was free to do what I wanted when I went on holiday cause we 'aren't in a committed relationship'. He's left friends when I asked if he wanted to hang out, telling them he had a 'booty call'. He's talked a lot about being hard to read and not a very emotional person.

My birthday is a group laser tag session followed by drinks, which he is coming too, and then i'll probably sleep at his after.

I'm really hoping he gets me just a little something... it doesn't have to be anything all that special at all. I just think if you DON'T get a girl you're seeing a gift, it's a clear clear sign you want to put up a barrier that says 'this is not a relationship'.

 

[RetrogradeOrbit]

^^^
With that last sentence, I think you are probably pretty close to the mark with what you said there..

 

[Erzengel]

2 months is sufficient time to determine if you want to be in a committed relationship especially if you are seeing each other a few times a week.

See how your birthday unfolds. If you're happy with the status quo and not having this as a defined relationship that's one thing, but it does seem you want something a little bit more and it would be up to you to decide if he is compatible with what you want.

 

[hopefuldreamer]

2 months is sufficient time to determine if you want to be in a committed relationship especially if you are seeing each other a few times a week.

See how your birthday unfolds. If you're happy with the status quo and not having this as a defined relationship that's one thing, but it does seem you want something a little bit more and it would be up to you to decide if he is compatible with what you want.

Yeah you're definitely right.

I mean, I don't know what i'm even ready for. When I think about actually calling him my 'boyfriend'... it doesn't seem natural yet. Like i'm not ready to become a facebook couple and have people be 'so happy for me' like i've found what i've been looking for.

Even to the point where my friend telling me to invite him to her wedding seemed weird. He doesn't know them... so he'd literally be coming as my other half, and we're not there yet.

But I need a little glimmer that this isn't JUST going to be sex forever.

I think meeting his friends is a glimmer. I think talking about plans we'd like to do together is a glimmer. I think actually saying 'we're doing pretty well, we see each other a couple of times a week' is a glimmer... it means he wants same kind of reassurance as me that we WILL see each other consistently.

But yeah, i'm really not asking for much expecting a little gift, am I?

Okay, so the second question would be - should I hint? Or maybe get a mutual friend to ask him about it?

 

[Ajendo]

Well it's my birthday coming up, and I feel like I will be a bit bummed if he doesn't get me anything... but I don't know if it would be unreasonable to be.

So we'll have been casually seeing each other for two months by the time it's my birthday. Met at parties and hung out a few times before that as well.

I've met some of his friends from work, we've verbally spoken about making sure we see each other at least twice a week, he's making compromises with his working schedule so it's easier to for us to spend time together, he comes out to meet me if i'm out with friends and he's gotten off early, he's fed me chocolate cake, given me massages, told me stuff/showed me pictures from his childhood, talked about places he wants to take me too and people he'd love me to meet etc

But he's also told me I was free to do what I wanted when I went on holiday cause we 'aren't in a committed relationship'. He's left friends when I asked if he wanted to hang out, telling them he had a 'booty call'. He's talked a lot about being hard to read and not a very emotional person.

My birthday is a group laser tag session followed by drinks, which he is coming too, and then i'll probably sleep at his after.

I'm really hoping he gets me just a little something... it doesn't have to be anything all that special at all. I just think if you DON'T get a girl you're seeing a gift, it's a clear clear sign you want to put up a barrier that says 'this is not a relationship'.

Laser tag followed by drinks? Sounds like fun. Where's my invite?

Anyway, if I were you I wouldn't expect anything. If you get something then that's a welcome surprise but even though you seem to have a relationship dynamic that doesn't gel with how he apparently regards the relationship, it's in your own best interest to expect nothing and satisfy yourself with the prospect of birthday sex.

Also, seeing someone you're not married to or living with twice a week at least? How often do you see him at most?? I couldn't hack that. I think that's how relationships take a turn for the worst and cripple. Twice a week is at most for me. Reduces familiarity, annoyances, contempt and cost. However, things remain fresh and exciting.

 

[Feenix]

Yeah you're definitely right.

I mean, I don't know what i'm even ready for. When I think about actually calling him my 'boyfriend'... it doesn't seem natural yet. Like i'm not ready to become a facebook couple and have people be 'so happy for me' like i've found what i've been looking for.

Even to the point where my friend telling me to invite him to her wedding seemed weird. He doesn't know them... so he'd literally be coming as my other half, and we're not there yet.

But I need a little glimmer that this isn't JUST going to be sex forever.

I think meeting his friends is a glimmer. I think talking about plans we'd like to do together is a glimmer. I think actually saying 'we're doing pretty well, we see each other a couple of times a week' is a glimmer... it means he wants same kind of reassurance as me that we WILL see each other consistently.

But yeah, i'm really not asking for much expecting a little gift, am I?

Okay, so the second question would be - should I hint? Or maybe get a mutual friend to ask him about it?

Depends on what you're expecting, cost wise.

 

[Anita18]

Some people are also just terrible at gifts. My husband finally bought me a birthday gift (and not just dinner out) THIS YEAR. When we were already married.

Granted, it was an iPad, but not even a box of chocolates in the 4 years before.

I wouldn't necessarily fixate on the existence of a gift. You want to hear you're more than a booty call. But whether he gets you something doesn't really mean one thing or another. Depends on the person he is.

 

[Erzengel]

Yeah you're definitely right.

I mean, I don't know what i'm even ready for. When I think about actually calling him my 'boyfriend'... it doesn't seem natural yet. Like i'm not ready to become a facebook couple and have people be 'so happy for me' like i've found what i've been looking for.

Even to the point where my friend telling me to invite him to her wedding seemed weird. He doesn't know them... so he'd literally be coming as my other half, and we're not there yet.

If you're not ready, you're not ready. I just hope you're not making excuses for him being non-committal. I dated this girl who I thought was okay being FWB, but it turned out she had real feelings for me and it lead to me realizing what I really had.

But I need a little glimmer that this isn't JUST going to be sex forever.

I think meeting his friends is a glimmer. I think talking about plans we'd like to do together is a glimmer. I think actually saying 'we're doing pretty well, we see each other a couple of times a week' is a glimmer... it means he wants same kind of reassurance as me that we WILL see each other consistently.

There really isn't a set time table for anyone. But after 3 or 4 months of consistent meeting up, intimacy, etc., what exactly are you? Would either of you be okay if you went out with other people since you aren't in a real relationship?

But yeah, i'm really not asking for much expecting a little gift, am I?

To defend some guys out there, he might be totally oblivious that you want/should get a gift. It might not be purposeful but he just might think it's not a big deal.

Okay, so the second question would be - should I hint? Or maybe get a mutual friend to ask him about it?

Even if you don't have someone mention it, it might be telling of either his feelings for you or that you might have to have a conversation in the future.

 

[Anita18]

There really isn't a set time table for anyone. But after 3 or 4 months of consistent meeting up, intimacy, etc., what exactly are you? Would either of you be okay if you went out with other people since you aren't in a real relationship?

That's what I'm interested in as well.

To defend some guys out there, he might be totally oblivious that you want/should get a gift. It might not be purposeful but he just might think it's not a big deal.

Even if you don't have someone mention it, it might be telling of either his feelings for you or that you might have to have a conversation in the future.

I agree with both these points.

I mean, at this stage, it's clear hopeful is looking for a sign he's interested in her more than being just a booty call. BUT "a sign" doesn't necessarily entail "giving a gift." It's not a one-to-one thing.

Different people show affection differently, as I mentioned before about my husband. I am not kidding when I say he is terrible at gifts. Usually he just gifts me whatever Apple product he wants to upgrade. Which ya know, I'm not complaining about a free (albeit 2-y-o) laptop, but I can see how some women would be pissed since he didn't put a lot of thought into it, etc etc.

Instead of fixating on the gift, hopeful should look at the bigger message. What does she want to know, by hoping he gets her a gift. And often, knowing what the bigger message is involves talking about it.

 

[Anita18]

Also, seeing someone you're not married to or living with twice a week at least? How often do you see him at most?? I couldn't hack that. I think that's how relationships take a turn for the worst and cripple. Twice a week is at most for me. Reduces familiarity, annoyances, contempt and cost. However, things remain fresh and exciting.

So you never want to get married or have a family? Which is fine, but you seem to fixate on relationships being "fresh and exciting."

My relationship got deeper when we moved in together. It got deeper after we got engaged. It's deeper now that we're married. We both work from home, so we spend pretty much 80% of the day together. (At least we're on different sleep schedules. )

Different strokes for different folks and all, but if you want certain things (marriage, family), the fixation on a "fresh and exciting" relationship isn't sustainable.