The Relationship Thread: Because Superhero Forums are Full of Sexperts! - - - - - - - - - Part 28

[Anita18]

Once, just once in my life, I would love that to happen to me.
Unfortunately, I would probably stammer, drool and then completely forget how to speak...

Given how socially awkward my husband is and the stories he's told me of women who have pursued him in the past, if a woman thinks you are cute, that would only make them think that's endearing. (And I'm actually being completely serious about this!)

Well Boys and Girls, how weird is this?

I've been subscribed on a couple of dating web sites these last couple of months and to be honest, I have become somewhat jaded by them.
From time to time, I would receive "winks" from a woman and I would take a look at them, more often than not, she seemed nice enough. I actually read the profiles!
So I often returned the wink and followed it up with a message.
Pretty much every time, they would read the message and delete it or delete it without reading it at all.
At first, I took this a bit personally. But after a while I got over myself! I guessed they probably get a lot of guys messaging them and they can afford to be picky.

I don't exactly have film star looks and I do have some, ahem, unusual hobbies!
But even so, as they expressed an initial interest, it just came across as a little bit rude to me. But, there you go.

Anyway, I got a bit fed up with the lack of progress and recently cancelled my subscriptions to these sites. I still check in on them every so often while they are still active. But I have not been putting myself out there.

Imagine my surprise when the other day, a lady sends me an actual message that literally says that I am interesting.
My curiosity is piqued and I wander across to her profile... She is pretty, a few years younger than me, but not too much! No baggage, she has some similar interests and lives within 10 miles of me.
So with nothing to lose, I message back, thanking her for the message and over the last few days we have messaged some more.
And then I just asked her if she wanted to meet up for a drink one evening next week. To my slight surprise she said "yes"

So, I am quite looking forward to a week this Thursday when we will actually meet.

Just to be clear, I am not bragging. Far from it. But I have often posted my negative experiences here. So I thought it only right that I should post something positive...

I'll let you know how it goes! t:

Yup, a lot of it can be duds, but you only need one.

 

[ShadowBoxer]

For some guys, personality is extremely important. My husband has VERY low tolerance for stupidity and immaturity. (If you've seen Inception, he's very similar to JGL's character Arthur.) He wouldn't waste his time with a woman who was JUST hot. The first woman he thought was hot and smart and level-headed, he married.

I like attractive women as much as the next guy, but if all she offers is looks and nothing more, then I wouldn't purse her. I am not the best looking guy in the world so a funny, sweet down to earth chick who looks average would be a turn on to me over just a hot girl with a crappy personality. But the girl my friend turn down is super sweet and down to earth AND has a good sense of humor, plus she's smoking hot ( she favors Emma Stone in my opinion). My friends reason for turning her down was that he felt like she was too silly sometimes and didn't take some things that he felt we're impotant serious enough.

 

[Erzengel]

How well did he know that girl to make that observation?

 

[ShadowBoxer]

How well did he know that girl to make that observation?

He's know her for little over a year. I only know her for a few months however, but to me seems to have her head on straight. She is just a person that cracks jokes a lot.

 

[ShadowBoxer]

Yep, that bit basically describes me. But I am working on it...

Yea i am working on it as well. Still not easy for an introvert like me.

 

[ShadowBoxer]

Hear hear that is rare. I think I heard before that like 85% of relationships that it was the guy that made the first movie. I am not good with woman 25 never had a GF all my friends are guys, social akward. So I would love something like that to happened. I am affarid of rejection big time and I don't really now how to pick up singes but if a girl like that came up to me that would make me fell less nervous has I wouldn't have to wore about her saying no and wonder if she likes me or if she is interested in me or not as you already no before you say any thing lol. Plus not being the most confident guy in the first place having a attractive girl like that apporce me and show interest in me would be a confidence bost to me.

Same I am 27 and haven't had a real girlfriend. Most of my friends are guys, though I do have some girls who I work with and some girls I go to church with on a friendly basis. It's weird that I have no trouble talking to them, but I do with other girls.

 

[RetrogradeOrbit]

Yea i am working on it as well. Still not easy for an introvert like me.

I hear that... Most people do not realise how introverted I actually am, because I do hide it fairly well.
But that is mainly because I run my own business and have to talk to people.
But you put me into a "vigorous social situation" and then throw pretty girls into the mix?

Well you'd have to say that I would be up faeces creek without a water borne conveyance motion implement!

 

[Anita18]

I like attractive women as much as the next guy, but if all she offers is looks and nothing more, then I wouldn't purse her. I am not the best looking guy in the world so a funny, sweet down to earth chick who looks average would be a turn on to me over just a hot girl with a crappy personality. But the girl my friend turn down is super sweet and down to earth AND has a good sense of humor, plus she's smoking hot ( she favors Emma Stone in my opinion). My friends reason for turning her down was that he felt like she was too silly sometimes and didn't take some things that he felt we're impotant serious enough.

That would be a reason my husband would give for turning someone down. -shrug-

I also realized that he's very sensitive to noise and HATES HATES HATES high-pitched shrilly women. (His mom is one, and watching him squirm when she talks to him is hilarious.) Most women in high school and college probably fall under that category. This is where being a deep-voiced stutterer who doesn't talk a lot actually was in my favor.

Yea i am working on it as well. Still not easy for an introvert like me.

Being an introvert doesn't mean you're shy or necessarily afraid of rejection.

Being an introvert meant it was a whole lot easier for me to find people to date online, because I didn't have to find myself in a social situation to do so. But you still get rejected online and I was okay with that.

 

[spiderman2]

I like attractive women as much as the next guy, but if all she offers is looks and nothing more, then I wouldn't purse her. I am not the best looking guy in the world so a funny, sweet down to earth chick who looks average would be a turn on to me over just a hot girl with a crappy personality. But the girl my friend turn down is super sweet and down to earth AND has a good sense of humor, plus she's smoking hot ( she favors Emma Stone in my opinion). My friends reason for turning her down was that he felt like she was too silly sometimes and didn't take some things that he felt we're impotant serious enough.

Yeah I hear you have to have a balance between looks and personality. Some one could be good looking but be a jerk or having nothing in common ect. At the same time if I don't find some one good looking even if we have things in common I am only going to beable to think of them has a friend.

Same I am 27 and haven't had a real girlfriend. Most of my friends are guys, though I do have some girls who I work with and some girls I go to church with on a friendly basis. It's weird that I have no trouble talking to them, but I do with other girls.

Yeah I have some girls who I know form work and church but more just aquatises then friends has I never hang out with them out side church so the only time I really hang out with girls is if I am hanging out with one of my friends and one of his female friends. So I just fell akward around woman. I have a hard time talking to like any girls but if it is a girl I think is cute then it is even harder.

 

[RetrogradeOrbit]

Shyness is a real buzzkill... And a lot of people don't realise how serious it is for some.

 

[Anita18]

Shyness is a real buzzkill... And a lot of people don't realise how serious it is for some.

Definitely. I remember being very paralyzed about it when I was in middle/high school. I just wouldn't talk to anyone unless they talked to me first. Having a stutter was a big part of it, along with parents who told me to be paranoid about what people might think of me. As an adult, I've realized that most people really don't give a s*** about me, which is actually quite freeing. I'm shameless and there's almost nothing that embarrasses me. Own your quirks and nobody has anything on you.

But yeah, I TOTALLY get the mind blank when you're around someone you think is attractive!

What helps is volunteering, or being part of a group where you're doing something together. At least you can make a comment to them about the activity, instead of just standing around thinking of something to say. Because I'm still not good at that either.

 

[RetrogradeOrbit]

^^^
I'm using cosplay to bring me out of myself... It seems to help. t:

 

[spiderman2]

Shyness is a real buzzkill... And a lot of people don't realise how serious it is for some.

Yes it is. I have gotten better. When I was in school I talked to like no one inless they talked to me first partly because I was even more shy when I was in school and partly because I just didn't really used to care and now I do care lol.

 

[the last son]

I deserve to be alone.

 

[Tech]

there's somebody out there for everybody, last son.

 

[Tech]

Same I am 27 and haven't had a real girlfriend. Most of my friends are guys, though I do have some girls who I work with and some girls I go to church with on a friendly basis. It's weird that I have no trouble talking to them, but I do with other girls.

I use to be little like this in past. I think making steps to be more aggressive and assertive would help. I found that fear of rejection indicates having too much value in other's opinions. Try flirt with girls you in proximity (but not at work, don't eat where you..understand). You need to create chemistry with women very early, because women make up mind who they want to date pretty quickly on limited, often superficial information. I'm not talking about who to marry, just who to date.

Work on knowing who you are, what you want...start working out and making appearance better...then go out and flirt. It's better than waiting for stuff to happen or befriending same women for weeks, etc.

 

[LEVITIKUZ]

So I'm in a predicament and well, I'm not sure what to do.

Some backstory. I have never had a girlfriend. I wouldn't say it's because I'm shy because in college for 3 years I've hit on at least 10 girls and all but 1 had a boyfriend. The 1, the problem with her is she was in a hurry, I didn't get to talk to her long and haven't seen her around. I wouldn't say I'm shy. In high school I was shy. I came from a school from Ohio which had only 110 kids in K-8 and 11 kids in my 6th grade class to going to a middle school in NC which 900 total and 1200 in HS. So yea it's quite the adjustment you know. Not use to so many kids. There was one girl I had a crush on in HS. The sad part is she knew I had a crush on her and I asked her to Homecoming one year and she said she was going out of town. 2 weeks later, she's in a relationship with another dude and well, I'm alone.

But enough about the past, on to my problem. There's this girl in my Italian class. She's just so damn fine and beautiful. She registered late and missed the first couple classes and lucky me the only empty seat in the class where she had no choice but to sit by me. We talked a lot during class and help each other out, we do Italian projects together. I would always try to make jokes to make her laugh.

Here's the thing. She had 1 class on days with Italian and I got 3. We were working on a project and she gave me her phone to put my number in and I did. She didn't text me until a day later. When she texted me she asked if I was doing anything Saturday. Valentine's Day. I said no and she asked if I'd want to go hiking with her.

Of course, I don't hike. I mean I'm not in terrible shape but I just never hiked but still I ain't gonna say no. So we did and it was a lot of fun. I got to know her better, she got to know me better. I learned that she sings, she likes to cook, what she's majoring in. I told her I was majoring in Criminal Justice. She told me she likes Notre Dame bc her brother goes there which is a huge plus for me because I love Notre Dame football. My mother and Grandfather, well really my mother's side are big ND football fans and so am I. We learned that the bus she was on in middle school would transport kids from my middle school also and some kids from my MS picked on her and her brothers and I told her tell me their names, I'll handle them in a joking matter. We talked about just about everything and it was fun probably because we just got along so well. I brought us Gatorades and she made turkey sandwiches and we eat them once we got up to the mountain in the hike.

Everything is perfect with this girl and I would have made a move if not for one problem. Her ex-boyfriend. We were talking dogs and I mentioned how my dog died and how I have a puppy (well she's too big to be a puppy but still classified as a puppy) and I asked her if she has any dogs and she said she doesn't but her ex-boyfriend had one that she actually trained and took care of. I asked what happened between her and her ex and he was a *****e.

They dated 3 years and have broke up for 2 months now. He abused her. He would throw her on the ground and kick her. Some days she would go into the bathroom just crying because of what she has to her relationship with her ex. He would control her and wouldn't let her hang out with her friends. He had anger issues. She finally had enough and left him and in her deciding that she said that she's not interested in any relationships for at least a year.

That's my problem. I talk to her about 4 out of 7 days of the week, I at least see her twice a week. Hell she said that she would like to meet my dog one day and maybe take her hiking with us. She said she likes opera (which is fine because she also likes Hip-Hop which I love and she likes Nas which is just a huge plus) and we got an email from the Italian teacher about an opera you could see for free and she asked if I would like to go to an opera and I said sure if she went because I'm not too big into the whole opera scene.

But I could understand giving her time to heel after what her ex did to her. I know some things about domestic violence due to my Criminal Justices classes so I at least understand but my issue here is I feel if I don't try to make a move with her, she will just see me as a friend. She also mentioned she's doing an internship in Peru (where she's from) over the summer and next year in Spring, she's doing some type of classes thing in Italy. And I'm here learning criminal justice. I don't mind her going to these places at all, my thing is with my bad luck, what if she meets someone there and I never get a chance. I really like her but I don't want to force her into a relationship if she doesn't want to be in one. My luck with girls is already terrible and I just hope I don't have to add her to the unlucky pile because out of all the girls I've met during college (and some that I were attracted too were in my classes so I did get to know them), she's the best one.

 

[Erzengel]

The problem is she will only know when it's ready. Saying "a year" is all fine and good in the beginning but it's when you meet somebody that could change.

But overall, you two have hung out, it's not like you've been on a date officially.

And yeah, she's going to intern in other countries, so really what do you have to lose? Spend as much time with her as you can. See what happens.

 

[Arach Knight]

I think the women I know are staunchly strong independent women and don't want a man to go out of their way to take care of them. That's part of their identity.

There are definitely people of both sexes that do not like accepting help in any form, no matter how little is offered. Some people highly their independence and are prepared to fiercely defend it from any perceived compromise.

 

[warhorse78]

I am trying to figure this guy out at work. He is very flirty with me and casual, and one day I searched him online for his facebook page and requested his friendship, which he denied. No biggy, but today I come into work and he gives me this thing that his fiance was giving him grief about adding me as a friend, so he had to take me out. Then, later on, he is "talking" to this fiance on the cell phone, whom he claims he has never met, just on facebook, and then starts to come closer and goes "hey, I'm standing next to that girl that you hate for trying to friend me" and well, I don't appreciate stupid games, so grabbed the damn ear plug out of his ear to listen, and it was just music playing. He just glared at me and walked away, and now I am so confused to what is going on. Have any of you had this, or maybe some of the guys can explain to me why you would flirt with someone, and when they try to be friends with you outside of work, you make up some ******** that their girlfriend doesn't want them to be friends, even though I higly doubt this girlfriend exists.Have guys been known to make up girlfriends and pretend to actually have conversations with these made up people on the phone?

 

[spiderman2]

there's somebody out there for everybody, last son.

Sure doesn't fell like it. I swear ever one I know around my age already has a BF or married ect. Its scary because only being 25 it like if ever one is already taken then how hard is it going to be to meet some one that is not taken if you are say 40 and single. It just seemeds like a challenge to even meet people that are single randalone that you find cute and that you have things income with and such.

 

[spiderman2]

So I'm in a predicament and well, I'm not sure what to do.

Some backstory. I have never had a girlfriend. I wouldn't say it's because I'm shy because in college for 3 years I've hit on at least 10 girls and all but 1 had a boyfriend. The 1, the problem with her is she was in a hurry, I didn't get to talk to her long and haven't seen her around. I wouldn't say I'm shy. In high school I was shy. I came from a school from Ohio which had only 110 kids in K-8 and 11 kids in my 6th grade class to going to a middle school in NC which 900 total and 1200 in HS. So yea it's quite the adjustment you know. Not use to so many kids. There was one girl I had a crush on in HS. The sad part is she knew I had a crush on her and I asked her to Homecoming one year and she said she was going out of town. 2 weeks later, she's in a relationship with another dude and well, I'm alone.

But enough about the past, on to my problem. There's this girl in my Italian class. She's just so damn fine and beautiful. She registered late and missed the first couple classes and lucky me the only empty seat in the class where she had no choice but to sit by me. We talked a lot during class and help each other out, we do Italian projects together. I would always try to make jokes to make her laugh.

Here's the thing. She had 1 class on days with Italian and I got 3. We were working on a project and she gave me her phone to put my number in and I did. She didn't text me until a day later. When she texted me she asked if I was doing anything Saturday. Valentine's Day. I said no and she asked if I'd want to go hiking with her.

Of course, I don't hike. I mean I'm not in terrible shape but I just never hiked but still I ain't gonna say no. So we did and it was a lot of fun. I got to know her better, she got to know me better. I learned that she sings, she likes to cook, what she's majoring in. I told her I was majoring in Criminal Justice. She told me she likes Notre Dame bc her brother goes there which is a huge plus for me because I love Notre Dame football. My mother and Grandfather, well really my mother's side are big ND football fans and so am I. We learned that the bus she was on in middle school would transport kids from my middle school also and some kids from my MS picked on her and her brothers and I told her tell me their names, I'll handle them in a joking matter. We talked about just about everything and it was fun probably because we just got along so well. I brought us Gatorades and she made turkey sandwiches and we eat them once we got up to the mountain in the hike.

Everything is perfect with this girl and I would have made a move if not for one problem. Her ex-boyfriend. We were talking dogs and I mentioned how my dog died and how I have a puppy (well she's too big to be a puppy but still classified as a puppy) and I asked her if she has any dogs and she said she doesn't but her ex-boyfriend had one that she actually trained and took care of. I asked what happened between her and her ex and he was a *****e.

They dated 3 years and have broke up for 2 months now. He abused her. He would throw her on the ground and kick her. Some days she would go into the bathroom just crying because of what she has to her relationship with her ex. He would control her and wouldn't let her hang out with her friends. He had anger issues. She finally had enough and left him and in her deciding that she said that she's not interested in any relationships for at least a year.

That's my problem. I talk to her about 4 out of 7 days of the week, I at least see her twice a week. Hell she said that she would like to meet my dog one day and maybe take her hiking with us. She said she likes opera (which is fine because she also likes Hip-Hop which I love and she likes Nas which is just a huge plus) and we got an email from the Italian teacher about an opera you could see for free and she asked if I would like to go to an opera and I said sure if she went because I'm not too big into the whole opera scene.

But I could understand giving her time to heel after what her ex did to her. I know some things about domestic violence due to my Criminal Justices classes so I at least understand but my issue here is I feel if I don't try to make a move with her, she will just see me as a friend. She also mentioned she's doing an internship in Peru (where she's from) over the summer and next year in Spring, she's doing some type of classes thing in Italy. And I'm here learning criminal justice. I don't mind her going to these places at all, my thing is with my bad luck, what if she meets someone there and I never get a chance. I really like her but I don't want to force her into a relationship if she doesn't want to be in one. My luck with girls is already terrible and I just hope I don't have to add her to the unlucky pile because out of all the girls I've met during college (and some that I were attracted too were in my classes so I did get to know them), she's the best one.

Man that dose suck about her ex but I think all you can really do is continue to hang out with her and have fun and if it goes some where it goes some where and if it doesn't then it doesn't.

 

[spiderman2]

I am trying to figure this guy out at work. He is very flirty with me and casual, and one day I searched him online for his facebook page and requested his friendship, which he denied. No biggy, but today I come into work and he gives me this thing that his fiance was giving him grief about adding me as a friend, so he had to take me out. Then, later on, he is "talking" to this fiance on the cell phone, whom he claims he has never met, just on facebook, and then starts to come closer and goes "hey, I'm standing next to that girl that you hate for trying to friend me" and well, I don't appreciate stupid games, so grabbed the damn ear plug out of his ear to listen, and it was just music playing. He just glared at me and walked away, and now I am so confused to what is going on. Have any of you had this, or maybe some of the guys can explain to me why you would flirt with someone, and when they try to be friends with you outside of work, you make up some ******** that their girlfriend doesn't want them to be friends, even though I higly doubt this girlfriend exists.Have guys been known to make up girlfriends and pretend to actually have conversations with these made up people on the phone?

That just sounds odd very odd. But first I don't really now how to flurit lol. Are you sure he wasn't just trying to be nice? Second if I like a girl I have a hard time knowing what to do but if I like a girl I am not going to be making up any to not be friends with her. I don't really now how to go about it like I said but if I like her and she wants to hang out I am not going to say no or make any thing up. Want how can he have a fiancé if he has never meet her WTF?

 

[warhorse78]

That just sounds odd very odd. But first I don't really now how to flurit lol. Are you sure he wasn't just trying to be nice? Second if I like a girl I have a hard time knowing what to do but if I like a girl I am not going to be making up any to not be friends with her. I don't really now how to go about it like I said but if I like her and she wants to hang out I am not going to say no or make any thing up. Want how can he have a fiancé if he has never meet her WTF?

I'm telling you, he is so freaking confusing me. When he first started working, I was the only one that actually extended a hand out to introduce myself, and I am pretty much the only one who is nice to him, the rest kind of treat him like the runt of the litter. He is very young, just turned 20. But I was getting really comfortable with talking and joking to him, so I thought we were just cool. I do get along well with the younger crowd due to the fact I do like superheroes and keep an open mind to the latest music and whatnot. Then he started to get a bit flirty. Tickling me, which I would just be like, knock it off. Then one day, I thought he went too far when he brushed my butt, and I out right turned around and smacked him on the cheek for that. He just smiled at me and gave me this wink. I'm not going to lie, this guy is very cute, and I might be attracted to him, but I'm just a little turned off because he is so much younger than me. It's been months now, and we still get along, he's learned his lesson about pinching my butt, but he still likes to come around and sling his arm around my shoulders and sing to me, in front of the other workers, embarrasing the hell out of me too. But then I decided, what the hell, let me see if he wants to hang outside of work, so I thought the most logical step would be to facebook friend him and then this crap happens.

See my confusion? He acts like he likes me, then he says he has a fiance that he is talking to on the phone that's not even there.

 

[Anita18]

there's somebody out there for everybody, last son.

It's a bit of both sentiments. last son is being far too fatalistic about "not deserving" a gf. That implies that he will never grow out of his selfish tendencies, that this is all there is for the rest of his life. Of course that's not true. We're changing all the time, we make decisions that change us a little bit every day.

He still has to be ready though. A relationship cannot thrive unless both partners are willing to reach out to each other halfway, even if they seem to be perfect for each other otherwise. If h's not at that stage where he's willing to do that, then he's not there yet and shouldn't waste anyone's time, including his own. But that's all it is - he's not there YET. Things can change, if he lets himself.

The problem is she will only know when it's ready. Saying "a year" is all fine and good in the beginning but it's when you meet somebody that could change.

But overall, you two have hung out, it's not like you've been on a date officially.

And yeah, she's going to intern in other countries, so really what do you have to lose? Spend as much time with her as you can. See what happens.

Agree with Erz. There's no time table for recovering from an abusive relationship. If you are honest that your intentions for her are good (and not just "please have her date me, I need a gf so bad"), make that clear to her and put the ball in her court. You can't assume anything.

I'm telling you, he is so freaking confusing me. When he first started working, I was the only one that actually extended a hand out to introduce myself, and I am pretty much the only one who is nice to him, the rest kind of treat him like the runt of the litter. He is very young, just turned 20. But I was getting really comfortable with talking and joking to him, so I thought we were just cool. I do get along well with the younger crowd due to the fact I do like superheroes and keep an open mind to the latest music and whatnot. Then he started to get a bit flirty. Tickling me, which I would just be like, knock it off. Then one day, I thought he went too far when he brushed my butt, and I out right turned around and smacked him on the cheek for that. He just smiled at me and gave me this wink. I'm not going to lie, this guy is very cute, and I might be attracted to him, but I'm just a little turned off because he is so much younger than me. It's been months now, and we still get along, he's learned his lesson about pinching my butt, but he still likes to come around and sling his arm around my shoulders and sing to me, in front of the other workers, embarrasing the hell out of me too. But then I decided, what the hell, let me see if he wants to hang outside of work, so I thought the most logical step would be to facebook friend him and then this crap happens.

See my confusion? He acts like he likes me, then he says he has a fiance that he is talking to on the phone that's not even there.

There's your answer. He's 20, he's young and stupid and immature and wants to convince himself his s*** don't stink, and that's why he's coming off to you hot and cold.

I wouldn't worry about immature people. If you don't want to play that kind of game, then don't play that kind of game. Even if you're nice to people, that's no guarantee that they aren't f***ing insane and be weird to you back.