The Relationship Thread: Because Superhero Forums are Full of Sexperts! - - - - - - - - - - Part 29

[hopefuldreamer]

DA Champ - A few red flags for me. Hope you don't mind me being blunt

1. I'm not sure professional photos are the way to go (I think not smiling in them would be ever worse.

You want your profile pictures to be good angles/lighting sure, but also natural and casual, preferably with a few non posey ones (and by posey I just mean anything where you stopped to look in the camera).

If I saw a profile where the guy had proffesional photos and he wasn't an actor/model or photographer... i'd think it was pretty weird. I mean, if your willing to spend money trying to make yourself look good because you don't think you look good in normal photos... doesn't that kind of say something?

2. If you send out that many messages - i'm guessing you don't put much time into what your going to say to each woman? If you send a generic message to me, i'm unlikely to respond unless what's in your profile makes you seem like a really good match for me.

I think if you focused more on 'quality over quantity' you might have more success.

And by that I don't mean 'only message the hot ones'

I mean if you really look at the girls profile and figure out if your a good match, if you have common interests or if the tone of her profile matches your humour/outlook on life - then message her. And make it a good message, that shows you paid attention to what she'd written.

It's pretty easy to tell the difference between a guy who's messaging you because he's actually taken an interest in your profile, and a guy who's messaging you and hundreds of other girls because he just messages any girl who's looks are okay enough to him.

3. Focus on losing weight (healthily). That 'oh no' feeling you got when you saw your date? Sadly, there are probably people that feel that way when they look at you. Not every person wants a skinny or althletic girl/guy but the bigger you get, the more your limiting your options because the majority of the dating pool don't want to date someone they (or their friends) think is fat.

It's just truth. No matter how much people say it shouldn't be that way... it is.

As someone who's weight has fluctuated a fair amount over the last few years (from 200 pounds down to 150 pounds, then back up to 190, then down to 180), I can tell you without a doubt that men pay a lot more attention to me when I am slimmer... and I feel a hell of a lot sexier, and energetic.

 

[Erzengel]

It does. I don't know her story. She may be alone in a new place and you might be the one thing that's somewhat comforting even if you are miles away.

If she suggests a LDR which doesn't seem like something you'd be interested in, then be honest and say you don't think that'll work.

But until then, is it really hurting you that much to be honest and nice?

 

[the last son]

No, but she's just using me to comfort herself. I feel she lost that privilege when she moved. I don't contact her and she does every week or two. She's not interested in LDR and neither am I. Could she move back one day? Of course, but I'm not looking to keep contact. It's like wasting an egg in a basket for a woman who left you. I'm just going to ignore her.

 

[Dark Raven]

If no LDRs then what do people feel about LMDs?

 

[Erzengel]

No, but she's just using me to comfort herself. I feel she lost that privilege when she moved. I don't contact her and she does every week or two. She's not interested in LDR and neither am I. Could she move back one day? Of course, but I'm not looking to keep contact. It's like wasting an egg in a basket for a woman who left you. I'm just going to ignore her.

So you are only willing to do things for someone if there's something for you in return.

 

[hopefuldreamer]

I'm pretty sure me and "my girlfriend" won't be together by the end of the month.

I start a new full time job on Monday and she is leaving to go upstate for a few singing shows this weekend. Her mom is pretty strict and controlling with her so I'm not planning to see her after work unless I take a long trip to her place and then another long trip back home after work. Next weekend, she's going to Jersey for a couple of shows and then she's possibly doing an audition for a short film on Sunday and then a few days later she's going on a 9 day cruise with her mother and won't be back until her next show, which I said I'd go to on the 22nd. We had plans to see each other yesterday but she was too exhausted from recording the night before, and she forgot she had a show on Sunday so those plans were cancelled. So I'm probably not going to see her for the next 3 weeks.

She's been very quiet about a lot of things and I feel like her agent telling her that she needed to deny having a boyfriend so that she wouldn't get stalkers and so that I wouldn't get harassed really got to her, and her finding out she got expelled from school a couple of weeks back really put her in a place of trying to live in denial that she failed at something she wanted. I feel like we haven't been connecting or communicating much to begin with, but definitely not now, and I just don't know what to do anymore. Part of me feels like it is a combo of ADHD and BiPolar, but she refuses to accept that she has serious mood swings whenever she is upset slightly.

I'm really at a point where I don't see us lasting long, which is a shame because I know being unemployed has made me a crappy boyfriend, but now I'm finally capable of doing better and she seems to be backing away.

What are the reasons to stay together? What are the positives here?

Great point. Like I've said, I was 25, and it did not take willpower to stay a virgin. Not getting laid is easy. Getting over my self-esteem issues and finally making it happen took willpower.

Yup

I'm confused on the whole importance of the virgin aspect. I am one and have been and I'm 25. Does it make a difference in the overall relationship? I know for a fact that some women do find it hilarious when you have little to no relationship experience.

I mean I dated when I was in middle school but honestly, who counts that?

Hilarious? Wow that seems a bit harsh

Like I said, it depends on your reasons. Why have you not had sex yet?

No trying to be offensive and I respect your opinion, but for me I have way more respect for a woman that waited in comparision to the woman that intentionally got wasted at a bar and got naked for the first dude she saw.

I am talking about people that go to bars and nightclubs with the intent to have a one night stand, hook up or whatever people want to call it just because they are in the mood or feel that need to discover their sexuality by sleeping around. I just don't buy into that it all, but once again that's just me.

Meh... that's fair enough.

I don't think either way is wrong or right personally.

I respect people who choose to only be intimate with people they have feelings for.

I respect people who have the confidence and social skills to go out and find someone to share a sexual encounter with in just one night.

And everything in between.

It all has pluses and minuses.

I mean, if you have a lot of sexual partners, your at greater risk of STI's and unwanted pregnancy, and your feelings/confidence can be hurt by unpleasant encounters.

If you don't have any sex until marriage, you could end up with a lot of sexual insecurities that might cause problems between you and your partner.

... And you're missing out on a lot of fun, a lot of closeness, connection, feeling flattered/sexy & confident, release of tension etc... not to mention the physical gratification t:

Someone who wants to take part in all of that should be respected just as much as someone who doesn't.

I also want to know the kinds of social circle ShadowBoxer has. All of the friends I have who have slept with multiple people are serial monogamists, as Erz described before. They date one person at a time, they break up, they move on.

I certainly don't have any female friends who go to bars or clubs to get picked up by drunk guys. They have some sense of self-preservation. And I'm an agnostic who hangs out with agnostics and atheists. Has nothing to do with religion.

I do

Have any of you guys or girls get crushes on people you know you just couldn't get with. Be it because they're taken, or they only like you as friends, etc.

Story of my life... until this one

Genuniely got so sick of the awkward and embarrasing aftermath of rejection that I decided it was better to just enjoy the feeling of crushes without going too deep, and remain an independant and fun loving person... making it look like I might be single by choice.

Took me a long time to bring those walls back down. Cancelled on my current boyfriend 3 times when he tried to pursue me... I think he thought I was mad :haha:

I have really poor self esteem, I never really think any girl is or would be interested in me, to the point of not even notice when a girl is actually into me (not really good at reading signs and such either)

I've missed out on a lot of opportunity that way, where I find out after the fact (once their no long available) that they were interested and waiting for me to make a move

basically the only times I've got the girl, was when she pursued me

you can't be subtle with me, it pretty much takes the girl forcing her self on me, for me actually realize she is into me (which has happened more then you'd think) but, oddly enough didn't really change my self esteem

I think in some ways, a lot of guys are like this today though, especially around initiation of physical intimacy - even kissing.

There's always that fear of being too pushy or coming across creepy if it's not reciprocated... but I think for guys it's enhanced because you don't want the girl to think that's all you want. So many will leave it in the girls court and go with it if she is into it.

 

[Anita18]

Just to be clear, I'm not paranoid and hopefully not delusional. I hope I did not give the impression that I was saying that.

But I appreciate your post. Also, I think 10 dates in 2 years is probably about average.

You're a good person, in addition to everything you've wrote, you're also one of the most interesting posters on SHH. I'm not sure how many points that gives you on the catchiness scale, but take it

The wording was off - I've been on 10 first dates in my entire life. This includes HS and college. Didn't date in HS, nobody ever asked me and I was too shy to ask anyone. The only guy I dated in college was my college bf. Then nothing else until I started online dating, but it was still less than 9 in 2-3 years.

No third dates in that period either, until I met my husband. My dating history is horrible - I'm apparently a butterface who's too smart for her own good. But there was still a guy for me out there, after 2 or 3 years of searching.

DA Champ - A few red flags for me. Hope you don't mind me being blunt

1. I'm not sure professional photos are the way to go (I think not smiling in them would be ever worse.

You want your profile pictures to be good angles/lighting sure, but also natural and casual, preferably with a few non posey ones (and by posey I just mean anything where you stopped to look in the camera).

If I saw a profile where the guy had proffesional photos and he wasn't an actor/model or photographer... i'd think it was pretty weird. I mean, if your willing to spend money trying to make yourself look good because you don't think you look good in normal photos... doesn't that kind of say something?

Here in LA, it isn't unusual to get professional photos for self-marketing reasons (usually for work), so it wouldn't be a red flag if there were professional-yet-casual photos up. Like, the pictures you see on about.me profiles, I wouldn't be surprised to see that kind of stuff on online dating profiles.

But it would look really weird if there were supposed to be super-casual and taken during a fun activity, and professionally done. Like, if it looks like a super-fake stock photo of someone enjoying themselves doing something, that's bad.

2. If you send out that many messages - i'm guessing you don't put much time into what your going to say to each woman? If you send a generic message to me, i'm unlikely to respond unless what's in your profile makes you seem like a really good match for me.

I think if you focused more on 'quality over quantity' you might have more success.

And by that I don't mean 'only message the hot ones'

I mean if you really look at the girls profile and figure out if your a good match, if you have common interests or if the tone of her profile matches your humour/outlook on life - then message her. And make it a good message, that shows you paid attention to what she'd written.

It's pretty easy to tell the difference between a guy who's messaging you because he's actually taken an interest in your profile, and a guy who's messaging you and hundreds of other girls because he just messages any girl who's looks are okay enough to him.

This part is VERY true too. It didn't matter how hot you were - if you messaged me and it was clear you didn't read my profile, off to the trash your message went. I was deleting about half of the messages I got for that reason. Mention SOMETHING about my profile, geez! I wrote a lot about myself there, acknowledge that we have at least one interest in common, you know?

I guess I had assumed DA_Champion was smarter than just sending "Hi, I think you're cute" messages, but it's still a good reminder.

3. Focus on losing weight (healthily). That 'oh no' feeling you got when you saw your date? Sadly, there are probably people that feel that way when they look at you. Not every person wants a skinny or althletic girl/guy but the bigger you get, the more your limiting your options because the majority of the dating pool don't want to date someone they (or their friends) think is fat.

It's just truth. No matter how much people say it shouldn't be that way... it is.

As someone who's weight has fluctuated a fair amount over the last few years (from 200 pounds down to 150 pounds, then back up to 190, then down to 180), I can tell you without a doubt that men pay a lot more attention to me when I am slimmer... and I feel a hell of a lot sexier, and energetic.

That's probably exactly what a lot of guys thought when they saw a face pic of me, or saw my face in person. And aside from plastic surgery, my face isn't something I can really fix...it was only a matter of searching until I found someone who liked it.

 

[the last son]

So you are only willing to do things for someone if there's something for you in return.

It feels like a slap in the face. Tease and keep contact with me until she finds someone? Forget that.

 

[hopefuldreamer]

Here in LA, it isn't unusual to get professional photos for self-marketing reasons (usually for work), so it wouldn't be a red flag if there were professional-yet-casual photos up. Like, the pictures you see on about.me profiles, I wouldn't be surprised to see that kind of stuff on online dating profiles.

But it would look really weird if there were supposed to be super-casual and taken during a fun activity, and professionally done. Like, if it looks like a super-fake stock photo of someone enjoying themselves doing something, that's bad.

Fair enough, that may just be weird to me then

This part is VERY true too. It didn't matter how hot you were - if you messaged me and it was clear you didn't read my profile, off to the trash your message went. I was deleting about half of the messages I got for that reason. Mention SOMETHING about my profile, geez! I wrote a lot about myself there, acknowledge that we have at least one interest in common, you know?

I guess I had assumed DA_Champion was smarter than just sending "Hi, I think you're cute" messages, but it's still a good reminder.

Well i'm sure he's saying more than that (I hope!) but I still think if your sending out that many messages then your going to get bored along the way and a bit lazy with it.

It's like applying for a job... If I pick a few jobs I really like the look of and taylor my cv to fit them and put a lot of effort into the cover letter so that they can see i've actually taken an interest in the company, i'm more likely to get a call than if I just send out basically the same cover letter and cv for 100 job applications with a few minor alterations (which i've been guilty of doing out of desperation to apply for as many as possible).

That's probably exactly what a lot of guys thought when they saw a face pic of me, or saw my face in person. And aside from plastic surgery, my face isn't something I can really fix...it was only a matter of searching until I found someone who liked it.

Well no, you can't change your face and i'm sure there are plenty of people that don't like mine either!

But I know that I can change my body. I've done it before, and I know it helped, so I would recommend it to anyone struggling to gain any romantic interest in the dating world

 

[Erzengel]

It feels like a slap in the face. Tease and keep contact with me until she finds someone? Forget that.

Which she hasn't done yet.

I understand where you're coming from, eventually one of you will meet someone else and the texts will cease. But your attitude and behavior towards people in the past has always come off as "me first", do unto others before they do unto you, let me get what I want.

I guess my point is, if this is your attitude towards things like this, what would be your attitude towards bigger things. Will you only go out of your way for people when it's beneficial to you.

 

[spiderman2]

I hate the hard time I'm having meeting women.

I'm perusing three dating sites (PoF, OkC, eharmony), and thus far have had little success in spite of significant effort and casting a broad net. I tried to install Tinder but it would not load on my laptop, I'll try again soon.

Regardless, I send hundreds of messages, typically 5-10% lead to a first response, or less, and maybe 1-2% lead to a date.

I did go on a date yesterday. I showed up and my first thought when I saw her was "oh no." Literally. She was substantially larger and older than indicated by her profile. She also reeked of tobacco. I didn't want to be rude so I took her out for coffee after.

I can try and do better. I've been losing weight, but that's a slow process. I went to get professional photos taken (before the weight loss lol), but I made a mistake... the photographer kept going "big smile! BIG smile !" but that was an error. Studies have shown that women find it unattractive when men smile (they actually looked into this), the photos that get the most responses are those with serious looks, with the eyes looking slightly away from the camera. I'm pissed at him for suggesting that (they knew what I was after) and pissed at myself for forgetting that.

I feel like I'm a better catch than this treatment, I have an interesting, respected and secure career that pays very well, I list several hobbies on my profile (exercise, movies, cooking), I have friends including photos that show me with friends, I'm 5'11 (that might be short since apparently a lot of men lie about their height), etc. I think my pictures need work, maybe not.

I tried to join a singles meetup, but most of the events get cancelled.

Yeah I hear you I am not good with people and women even more so have bad social anxiety. I have tried POF, okcupid, match and eharmony. I am not using match or eharmony any more but between on the sites I have message so many women I have lost count and I have got like 20 responds all together and even those have been one message back and then I don't hear from them again. It has even got to the point where on like okcupid and POF that I have message so many that there is really no women left around my age that are good looking. The only women left on there around my age are ones I find ugly. I am not saying they have to be a supermodel but I have to find there some wht good looking of course. I fell like women don't like me have only guy friends and my spelling is really bad so I know that is not good. When I messaged women I have tried different things. I have tried asking them about a photo if they have a interesting photo or about something we both have in common or about how long they have lived where they live or something. When it comes to weight I am trying to lose some because I now that I need to lose some get tried of having heartburn all the time. I am like 5'9-5'10 and I weigh 209. My highest was 232 and after that I got down to 195 before I got back up to like 215. I am trying to get back down to around 195 if I can.

 

[spiderman2]

You sound like you think it's noble, and those who don't wait are lesser men and women with weak characters

At the end of the day, your feelings about sex are a personal preference.

If you believe sex is sacred and should only be done in certain circumstances that's fine, but it's no different than eating kosher/halal food and shunning mcdonalds to me... there's a bit of will power involved in terms of not joining in with what your friends/most people do, but it's doesn't make you a better person.

When I was saying no to sex before love (up until 20) I never felt it took will power tbh, because it was just natural to me. Saying no was easy and in a lot of ways less scary than actually diving into that pool.

I believer that sex should only happened with someone you really love that is my circumstance so I do think it is a good idea to want in till marriage. I just don't think you should rush into things and I here there is a big emotion thing with sex to so if you have sex before marriage I think there is a big change that you are going to be hurt. One of my friends end up having sex for the first time just sever months ago with a girl that he had not know for to long and then not long after she was back with her ex BF. I was surprised to here this thought he would be someone to want for marriage and he fells like he was used by her. Also the more sex you have the better change of getting a STD.

 

[Erzengel]

Statistically yes. But, if you're responsible and using protection, it's very slim.

 

[the last son]

Good for you trying to get your weight down spidey2. Don't put so much pressure on yourself to be in a relationship. It'll come in time if you put yourself out there. Being in a relationship cures loneliness, but you can say goodbye to your alone time and doing things your way. Relationships are good and bad. Enjoy your time by yourself. Keep working on building you and women will want in.

 

[DJ_KiDDvIcIOUs]

I met this really cool chick. She is very attractive, she is going to college studying psychology so we connect on an intellectual level and we have tons of stuff in common. Only problem is she only has about 30 days sober. We were texting each other till about 5 am this morning and she gets off work at 9 tonight and we are supposed to hang out. I have to resist my natural urges to make a move even though I want to. This will give me a chance to practice getting to know a girl before rushing into something I guess.

 

[Dark Raven]

Well at least she's not 30 days drunk.

 

[DJ_KiDDvIcIOUs]

I don't mess with party girls anymore, had my fill of those already. The funny thing about this girl is she is a bartender at PF Changs. She's just really cool and I enjoy her company. It's not often one finds a cute chick that's smart and likes geeky stuff. The other day we all went out to dinner after a meeting and she was a rocking a Zelda Ocarina of Time hat. Plus it seems like she is digging me too.

 

[Anita18]

Which she hasn't done yet.

I understand where you're coming from, eventually one of you will meet someone else and the texts will cease. But your attitude and behavior towards people in the past has always come off as "me first", do unto others before they do unto you, let me get what I want.

I guess my point is, if this is your attitude towards things like this, what would be your attitude towards bigger things. Will you only go out of your way for people when it's beneficial to you.

It seems to me that TLS seems to go through life thinking people are taking advantage of him. (Hence his attitude about dates and such.) It isn't surprisingly that he's reacting like this.

TLS, maybe she's mulling over the possibility of an LDR? But yeah, if you know you don't want one, full stop, it's ok not to be in one. But assuming the worst of her isn't exactly helping the way you approach your interactions with people.

 

[Erzengel]

Or he's just selfish.

 

[Anita18]

Or he's just selfish.

Or that. And therefore not ready for a relationship.

 

[DA_Champion]

My experiences on sending "detailed" messages:

1) A lot of women have very generic profiles and thus a detailed message is nearly impossible. One of the most common ways women describe themselves is "I enjoy having fun", closely followed by "I like laughing". There are - surprise !!! -- A LOT of women out there who enjoy having fun. This could mean they're shallow, but it could also mean they're intimidated by having to describe themselves in a box, it's kind of like stuttering on stage. Further, a lot of women don't need to try hard and thus there's no incentive to self-describe, they make a profile, they're not even finished editing, and they have lots of messages.

I think I have a nice profile now, but if I had stopped editing five minutes after registering, it would be very bland.

The other common tropes:
- Women looking for a man who knows how to spell. Trust me, you can send them a message with proper spelling, the response rate will still be ~5%;
- Women looking for a man who isn't racist or sexist or homophobic ... this one is more meaningful;

2) For those women who do describe themselves at a moderate level, five-to-ten minutes is sufficient to write a good message. If you send them a 1,500 word essay they won't read it, and regardless of how good your writing is, if they don't like your picture or your profile or your age, if you're below their height cutoff or they have other "rules", you won't hear from them.

Messages are important. I put decent effort into them. But studies have conclusively demonstrated that the quality of your profile picture is vastly, vastly more important.

 

[DA_Champion]

BTW this is a very supportive thread. I go to bed (I'm in a different time zone from all of you), I wake up, and there's like a page of supportive posts :P

 

[Anita18]

My experiences on sending "detailed" messages:

1) A lot of women have very generic profiles and thus a detailed message is nearly impossible. One of the most common ways women describe themselves is "I enjoy having fun", closely followed by "I like laughing". There are - surprise !!! -- A LOT of women out there who enjoy having fun. This could mean they're shallow, but it could also mean they're intimidated by having to describe themselves in a box, it's kind of like stuttering on stage. Further, a lot of women don't need to try hard and thus there's no incentive to self-describe, they make a profile, they're not even finished editing, and they have lots of messages.

I think I have a nice profile now, but if I had stopped editing five minutes after registering, it would be very bland.

The other common tropes:
- Women looking for a man who knows how to spell. Trust me, you can send them a message with proper spelling, the response rate will still be ~5%;
- Women looking for a man who isn't racist or sexist or homophobic ... this one is more meaningful;

2) For those women who do describe themselves at a moderate level, five-to-ten minutes is sufficient to write a good message. If you send them a 1,500 word essay they won't read it, and regardless of how good your writing is, if they don't like your picture or your profile or your age, if you're below their height cutoff or they have other "rules", you won't hear from them.

Messages are important. I put decent effort into them. But studies have conclusively demonstrated that the quality of your profile picture is vastly, vastly more important.

It doesn't have to be "detailed," just personalized. It merely had to show that you read my profile. But that was apparently too much work for at least half the guys that messaged me!

And hey, if a guy wrote nothing in his profile, I'm not messaging him either. You don't have to play the numbers game like that. (I certainly don't apply to jobs where the posting says nothing of note.) It literally could be anything - when I messaged my husband, I wrote something about his username because I recognized the cultural reference and was a fan too. The only other thing I remember about his profile was his occupation, because my dad did the same thing. The pictures were ok, not professionally done or anything, but gave a pretty good impression of what he'd look like in person.

 

[Erzengel]

Canberra seems like a decent size city 300k people? What's the next nearest city, how far from Canberra do you search?

I say that women do have the advantage of putting less in their profile as long as the picture is good, but why would you want to message her if she did put things like I like to laugh, have fun and travel. Laugh at what? Have fun doing what? Travel to where?

 

[Dark Raven]

Statistically yes. But, if you're responsible and using protection, it's very slim.

Maybe for vaginal sex, but what about oral sex? How safe is that, particularly the man giving it to the woman? Couldn't that be unsafe from all the fluids? I realise there are dental dams, but they are not widely available, and wouldn't they be not that pleasurable?

Also, apart from STIs, Michael Douglas got throat cancer which he claims was from that. Is all of this likely?