The Relationship Thread: Because Superhero Forums are Full of Sexperts! - - - - - - - - - - Part 29

[Anita18]

Maybe for vaginal sex, but what about oral sex? How safe is that, particularly the man giving it to the woman? Couldn't that be unsafe from all the fluids? I realise there are dental dams, but they are not widely available, and wouldn't they be not that pleasurable?

Also, apart from STIs, Michael Douglas got throat cancer which he claims was from that. Is all of this likely?

Get both partners checked out and it should be fine. It's not like STDs spontaneously appear out of nowhere, you know. STD transmission by oral sex is far less likely than transmission by vaginal or anal sex, because of the nature of the fluids. But if you're worried, it's safe to ask someone to be tested.

Not sure about in the UK, but there is active movement for teens and young people here to get the HPV vaccine. It was encouraged only for young women at first, because HPV causes cervical cancer which is far more common than oral cancer not caused by smoking, but it's good for guys to get it too, for the reason you stated.

 

[Dark Raven]

Get both partners checked out and it should be fine. It's not like STDs spontaneously appear out of nowhere, you know. STD transmission by oral sex is far less likely than transmission by vaginal or anal sex, because of the nature of the fluids. But if you're worried, it's safe to ask someone to be tested.

Not sure about in the UK, but there is active movement for teens and young people here to get the HPV vaccine. It was encouraged only for young women at first, because HPV causes cervical cancer which is far more common than oral cancer not caused by smoking, but it's good for guys to get it too, for the reason you stated.

How do these vaginal fluids differ from semen (apart from the obvious)? How is it less transmittable?

 

[Anita18]

How do these vaginal fluids differ from semen (apart from the obvious)? How is it less transmittable?

Not sure, actually. I just know that oral sex on a man is more likely to transmit STDs than oral sex on a woman, but both are less likely than vaginal and anal sex. (Especial anal sex, because of the risk for blood.)

There's stuff on WebMD about it, which is where I got the info: http://www.webmd.com/sex-relationships/features/4-things-you-didnt-know-about-oral-sex?page=3

But I've always heard that transmitting STD through oral sex was pretty low compared to other kinds of sex, and it's more likely to happen when you do oral sex on a man than a woman. So relatively speaking, you're at low risk if you do it on her. Michael Douglas apparently just got unlikely.

 

[ShadowBoxer]

So you frequent a lot of bars and clubs?

I never been the bar and night club kind of guy. Even in my early 20's in college it just wasn't my scene. Though I did go on rare ocassions when friends invited me. And yes, I observed people going back to each other's dorms for whatever. I also did some marketing/ brand ambassador work in 2012 when I was 24 and worked in bars and nightclubs with female Budweiser models taking pics and stuff. I will admit, I had some fun times doing that job but it got old rather quickly. And once again in my area, I observed people getting wasted. And seen some stuff you can't unsee such has people having sex in the bathroom and or dudes leaving the bars and stuff with girls they did NOT come in with. I can't say for sure they all had sex, but it's a strong possibility they did. Granted, not everyone that goes to a bar and night club is looking to get stupid drunk and actively look for a one night stand.

 

[ShadowBoxer]

I also want to know the kinds of social circle ShadowBoxer has. All of the friends I have who have slept with multiple people are serial monogamists, as Erz described before. They date one person at a time, they break up, they move on.

I certainly don't have any female friends who go to bars or clubs to get picked up by drunk guys. They have some sense of self-preservation. And I'm an agnostic who hangs out with agnostics and atheists. Has nothing to do with religion.

I just don't want to share sex with someone who I have no interest in just because I feel like I need to explore my sexuality or because I am currently in the mood. That is why I firmly believe in dating well and not rushing into stuff like moving in together too soon. Sadly a lot of people in my age group ( mid to late 20's) don't know the difference between being in love and being in lust with someone. Hence, the reason marriages and realationships often times fail and there is loads of drama included. I know some people don't believe in marriage and that's fine. But I see it this way, somewhere out there is my future wife. When I make that vow I want to share an inmate relationship with just her. I don't want five , ten, twenty, thirty, other women out there looking at my wife like " Ha I had sex with your husband X number of times years ago" etc. My standards views our different from most, as its both my personal morals and religious views that also have a influence on me dating wise. But I also have positive role models in my life who both dated well and have married well, so it's this impossible thing. I hope to one day follow in their foot steps.

 

[Erzengel]

How do these vaginal fluids differ from semen (apart from the obvious)? How is it less transmittable?

For something like HIV, blood, semen, vaginal discharges etc. have higher concentrations of HIV antibodies then say saliva or tears.

I never been the bar and night club kind of guy. Even in my early 20's in college it just wasn't my scene. Though I did go on rare ocassions when friends invited me. And yes, I observed people going back to each other's dorms for whatever. I also did some marketing/ brand ambassador work in 2012 when I was 24 and worked in bars and nightclubs with female Budweiser models taking pics and stuff. I will admit, I had some fun times doing that job but it got old rather quickly. And once again in my area, I observed people getting wasted. And seen some stuff you can't unsee should has people having sex in the bathroom and or dudes leaving the bars and stuff with girls they did NOT come in with. I can't say for sure they all had sex, but it's a strong possibility they did. Granted, not everyone that goes to a bar and night club is looking to get stupid drunk and actively look for a one night stand.

Exactly. Which is why some of us were quick to bring up contraries to your examples of people who slept with 50 people. I may know of only one person who's slept with that many. Maybe.

Are there people like? Sure. Obviously that person is not for you, but I think more people here know serious monogamous daters who can have had 10-15 different partners since they were in high school.

Just be careful through those blanket generalizations cause sometimes they aren't accurate.

 

[Erzengel]

I just don't want to share sex with someone who I have no interest in just because I feel like I need to explore my sexuality or because I am currently in the mood. That is why I firmly believe in dating well and not rushing into stuff like moving in together too soon. Sadly a lot of people in my age group ( mid to late 20's) don't know the difference between being in love and being in lust with someone. Hence, the reason marriages and realationships often times fail and there is loads of drama included. I know some people don't believe in marriage and that's fine. But I see it this way, somewhere out there is my future wife. When I make that vow I want to share an inmate relationship with just her. I don't want five , ten, twenty, thirty, other women out there looking at my wife like " Ha I had sex with your husband X number of times years ago" etc. My standards views our different from most, as its both my personal morals and religious views that also have a influence on me dating wise. But I also have positive role models in my life who both dated well and have married well, so it's this impossible thing. I hope to one day follow in their foot steps.

There's a chance that you can get married to a virgin and get married and consummate the marriage, then a couple of years down the road, something changes whether it be personality, work, etc. Now you're stuck in a marriage with someone who wasn't the person you married. What do you do? Divorce? Do you move on after divorce? Is everything that happened in that marriage now a waste?

I've known many couples who broke up after they gotten married and sometimes after they already had kids. People sometimes do change.

Love, relationships, marriage. I believe in them. But they all don't exist in a vacuum. Life gets in the way and sometimes messes things up. No matter how hard you try or efforts you put in, it doesn't always work out the way you want.

 

[ShadowBoxer]

For something like HIV, blood, semen, vaginal discharges etc. have higher concentrations of HIV antibodies then say saliva or tears.



Exactly. Which is why some of us were quick to bring up contraries to your examples of people who slept with 50 people. I may know of only one person who's slept with that many. Maybe.

Are there people like? Sure. Obviously that person is not for you, but I think more people here know serious monogamous daters who can have had 10-15 different partners since they were in high school.

Just be careful through those blanket generalizations cause sometimes they aren't accurate.

But there are people that feel they NEED to sleep with every person they date and that's where I differ from most. Even if I dated a lot of girls, I don't think I need to sleep with each of them to know if I wanted to continue dating them. Like I said some people don't know the difference between love and lust. Or they get the two confused.

 

[Perfect Cell]

There's also the matter of sexual compatibility. It's a given that you should know everything there is to know about someone before you marry him or her. That's the only way to know if you're truly compatible. Part of that includes knowing what they're like in bed. If you marry someone, and then find out that, between the sheets, you two are DEFINITELY not a match for one another, that is a huge strain on a relationship. A healthy sex life is a key component to any successful, long term relationship. When there is trouble in that area, that's when you see people stepping outside the bounds of their relationship to "get what they need".

 

[Erzengel]

A recent sex survey said that the average amount of sexual partners for a male and female between 20-59 in their lifetime is 7 and 4 respectively. It's not exactly the 50 you threw out there.

I mean personally I haven't slept with every girl I've ever dated.

Maybe, you should date someone and see how strong your convictions are. I mean if they are, more power to you. Just saying it's a lot different and sometimes difficult to put it into practice.

 

[ShadowBoxer]

There's a chance that you can get married to a virgin and get married and consummate the marriage, then a couple of years down the road, something changes whether it be personality, work, etc. Now you're stuck in a marriage with someone who wasn't the person you married. What do you do? Divorce? Do you move on after divorce? Is everything that happened in that marriage now a waste?

I've known many couples who broke up after they gotten married and sometimes after they already had kids. People sometimes do change.

Love, relationships, marriage. I believe in them. But they all don't exist in a vacuum. Life gets in the way and sometimes messes things up. No matter how hard you try or efforts you put in, it doesn't always work out the way you want.

Again this all goes along with my belief of dating well. There are some people I work with for example who got married after only ONE year of dating. Now they are in the process of divorce because they didn't really know the person they married and was swayed because the sex, lust, physical apperence. They thought that was love when in reality it was lust. Personally, I wouldn't even consider marrying a girl unless we dated for at least a solid two years minimum ( three years would be ideal). I want to take the time to really know the girl. What makes her tick, her life goals, how she deals with life challenges, how she interacts with her family, friends etc. Not just rush and marry her because of sex or lust. I despise divorce and it should be done in extreme cases. Otherwise, I think people should do whatever it takes to fix their marriage.

 

[Dark Raven]

For something like HIV, blood, semen, vaginal discharges etc. have higher concentrations of HIV antibodies then say saliva or tears.

What are you saying then? It seems you're placing vaginal fluids on the same level as blood or semen in terms of how infectious it could be for STDs. Is that how I understand you? But you're saying these have higher antibodies than saliva or tears? Not sure I follow.

 

[hopefuldreamer]

I met this really cool chick. She is very attractive, she is going to college studying psychology so we connect on an intellectual level and we have tons of stuff in common. Only problem is she only has about 30 days sober. We were texting each other till about 5 am this morning and she gets off work at 9 tonight and we are supposed to hang out. I have to resist my natural urges to make a move even though I want to. This will give me a chance to practice getting to know a girl before rushing into something I guess.

I don't mess with party girls anymore, had my fill of those already. The funny thing about this girl is she is a bartender at PF Changs. She's just really cool and I enjoy her company. It's not often one finds a cute chick that's smart and likes geeky stuff. The other day we all went out to dinner after a meeting and she was a rocking a Zelda Ocarina of Time hat. Plus it seems like she is digging me too.

I'm glad your experiencing chemistry with this girl. It's always a good sign, and a boost to your own self esteem, when you feel like you have a chance with someone.

But seriously, don't get involved with her when she's this early on in her sobriety. Just be her friend, if you can

My experiences on sending "detailed" messages:

1) A lot of women have very generic profiles and thus a detailed message is nearly impossible. One of the most common ways women describe themselves is "I enjoy having fun", closely followed by "I like laughing". There are - surprise !!! -- A LOT of women out there who enjoy having fun. This could mean they're shallow, but it could also mean they're intimidated by having to describe themselves in a box, it's kind of like stuttering on stage. Further, a lot of women don't need to try hard and thus there's no incentive to self-describe, they make a profile, they're not even finished editing, and they have lots of messages.

I think I have a nice profile now, but if I had stopped editing five minutes after registering, it would be very bland.

The other common tropes:
- Women looking for a man who knows how to spell. Trust me, you can send them a message with proper spelling, the response rate will still be ~5%;
- Women looking for a man who isn't racist or sexist or homophobic ... this one is more meaningful;

2) For those women who do describe themselves at a moderate level, five-to-ten minutes is sufficient to write a good message. If you send them a 1,500 word essay they won't read it, and regardless of how good your writing is, if they don't like your picture or your profile or your age, if you're below their height cutoff or they have other "rules", you won't hear from them.

Messages are important. I put decent effort into them. But studies have conclusively demonstrated that the quality of your profile picture is vastly, vastly more important.

If a women has a profile that you don't find interesting, i'm assuming your messaging her based on her looks alone?

What i'm saying is, stop doing that. Stop messaging people just because 'they'll do'. Message people because you think they sound awesome.

Also, if you can't think of what to say that makes it personalised, AT LEAST say something interesting. Make a joke. Tell her something interesting about you.

If you're an average or below average looking person, you can't send out bland messages and expect responses. People with amazing good looks might get away with it, but the rest of us have to try a little harder to hook those fish.

P.S. I'd really like to read these studies you keep citing if you have access to them.

BTW this is a very supportive thread. I go to bed (I'm in a different time zone from all of you), I wake up, and there's like a page of supportive posts :P

Yeah it's pretty great when your in need of it. It's been a real god send for me at times over the years

I've only been in less lately because... well... i'm happy with someone for once in my life

But I've missed it

And hey, if a guy wrote nothing in his profile, I'm not messaging him either. You don't have to play the numbers game like that.

Exactly.

What are you saying then? It seems you're placing vaginal fluids on the same level as blood or semen in terms of how infectious it could be for STDs. Is that how I understand you? But you're saying these have higher antibodies than saliva or tears? Not sure I follow.

Something I read online (though I think it mostly refers to HIV and I have no idea of it's legitimacy):

Spoiler

The reason that oral sex is so much safer is that the throat is not as vulnerable to infection. Saliva has properties that can disable some infections, including HIV, and so there needs to be quite a lot of HIV present for infection to take place. Also, the mouth and throat are not as efficient at absorbing liquids into the bloodstream. Even if you swallow ***, any HIV that may be there will usually be killed by the strong acids in your stomach.

I think other STD's are much more commonly transferred through oral sex. herpes. Like Herpes, Gonorrhea, Syphilis & Chlamydia.

But that's why, in my history of sex, only those people i've had actual relationships with have gone down on me.

Oral sex on a man you can use a condom and it's seen as normal. Dental dams are a bit unheard of, so you just... don't go down on a woman you don't know very well.

 

[DA_Champion]

Hopefuldreamer,

My standards for a committed relationship are high, but my standards for a first message are low, because a first message should never be worth more than ten minutes. There is the further issue that if a person sends very few messages, they will get their hopes for each message, which is problematic.

Somebody made the analogy to jobs earlier. In my last job search I applied to thirty jobs, and my only criteria was moderate scientific independence within a western country (North America, Europe, Australia). Note that applying to mediocre jobs doesn't negate applying to great jobs, they are neither mutually exclusive nor mutually mutually supportive, they are mutually neutral, non-interacting. In the end, 3 of those 30 applications, one each in Australia, Virginia, and Switzerland, I took the best one after spending time and visiting all three.

This study demonstrates the importance of profile picture, keeping profile content constant:
http://jonmillward.com/blog/attraction-dating/cupid-on-trial-a-4-month-online-dating-experiment/
- Women receive ~20x as many solicitations as men;
- Nearly beautiful women receive the most messages, followed by beautiful women, other women get a lot less;

On smiling:
http://blog.okcupid.com/index.php/the-4-big-myths-of-profile-pictures/
The best look for a man, is not smiling and looking off-camera, the opposite of the best look for women.

Something I had forgotten, men's photos are more effective if they show off their six packs. It is in fact not lame. However, I don't have a six pack, I have a one pack, so I won't be posting shirtless pics :P

Also, if you can't think of what to say that makes it personalised, AT LEAST say something interesting. Make a joke. Tell her something interesting about you.

I do that whenever possible.

 

[DA_Champion]

It's amazing how the shift back-and-forth between hope and despair affects my behaviour. I often despair as has been obvious from my messages the past couple days. I wasn't going to go to the gym tonight since I'm sore everywhere. I'm actually having a back and forth with someone I wouldn't expect it, so I find some extra will, I went to the gym tonight and worked out very specific muscle groups.

It was a good day to go, there were three different people who independently brought cake to work today :P

 

[Erzengel]

What are you saying then? It seems you're placing vaginal fluids on the same level as blood or semen in terms of how infectious it could be for STDs. Is that how I understand you? But you're saying these have higher antibodies than saliva or tears? Not sure I follow.

In terms of HIV, it is easier for a man to transmit the virus into a woman than vice versa. But it's possible. The virus can enter through cuts on your member or through the tip.

 

[hopefuldreamer]

Hopefuldreamer,

My standards for a committed relationship are high, but my standards for a first message are low, because a first message should never be worth more than ten minutes. There is the further issue that if a person sends very few messages, they will get their hopes for each message, which is problematic.

Well I can only tell you my experience.

If you sent me a boring message and your profile didn't grab me, i'm not going to respond.

If you sent me an interesting message, even if your profile didn't grab me, I might respond.

Not a long message. Not even a complimentary one (I'm not big on compliments anyway). Just an interesting one. Whether that means funny, an unusual comment, a weird or out of the box question etc.

I mean, maybe you're not looking for a girl like me

If you're looking for a girl who likes to be complimented, who might care about your financially stable job, who doesn't really care about the message cause they are only judging you by your face... then keep going with what your doing and hope for the best I guess.

This study demonstrates the importance of profile picture, keeping profile content constant:
http://jonmillward.com/blog/attraction-dating/cupid-on-trial-a-4-month-online-dating-experiment/
- Women receive ~20x as many solicitations as men;
- Nearly beautiful women receive the most messages, followed by beautiful women, other women get a lot less;

On smiling:
http://blog.okcupid.com/index.php/the-4-big-myths-of-profile-pictures/
The best look for a man, is not smiling and looking off-camera, the opposite of the best look for women.

Something I had forgotten, men's photos are more effective if they show off their six packs. It is in fact not lame. However, I don't have a six pack, I have a one pack, so I won't be posting shirtless pics :P
.

Interesting studies

But I think both are just examples of the problem of quantity over quality. Yes, the more attractive you are, the more messages your get from a lot of the type of people there are on dating websites. So the better you look in your profile picture, the more messages you will get.

But those messages won't necessarily be of any quality or be the kind of people you're looking for. They aren't all going to be relationship prospects.

I mean, I suppose it depends on which dating site you are using.

I can really only comment on POF as it's the only one I used (never paid for one). And there are a lot of guys and girls just looking to hook up on that site. So yeah, you'll get messages if you post abs or cleavage shots. But they aren't the messages you want.

And if you want the kind of girls/guys who don't value abs or cleavage over personality, then take those pictures down... you'll get less messages, but they might be better ones. Cause a girl like me wouldn't message a guy with an ab picture... cause I think it's vain.

In the first study, you might be interested to know that just based on pictures alone, I'd have message the guy in the middle.

His smile looks natural, he doesn't look too well groomed like the 2nd from the right guy (one of my pet hates) or so hot that he's most likely into more attractive women than me like the guy on the far right.

Basically i'm saying that who I would be interested in messaging on a dating site are people I think I might actually have a shot with. I'm not going to send out loads of messages to people who I think are unlikely to be responsive to me.

How well you can judge this is kind of dependant on how good you are at working people out in general.

But I think everyone is capable of being a bit realistic and selective.

At the end of the day, what you are doing clearly isn't working for you, as you described yourself.

So what harm in there is trying another way?

- Swap your professional photos for more natural ones that are semi decent angles/lighting and some that show you are not just a boring serious person... that you can have fun.

- Send out messages to girls whose profiles you've read from top to bottom and think you might click based on your interests. Then put at least 10 minutes of thought into each message and try and use a light and happy tone. Be interested and interesting.

See it like your own personal study.

I can say for certain it will work but surely it's worth a shot?

 

[Dark Raven]

Not sure, actually. I just know that oral sex on a man is more likely to transmit STDs than oral sex on a woman, but both are less likely than vaginal and anal sex. (Especial anal sex, because of the risk for blood.)

There's stuff on WebMD about it, which is where I got the info: http://www.webmd.com/sex-relationships/features/4-things-you-didnt-know-about-oral-sex?page=3

But I've always heard that transmitting STD through oral sex was pretty low compared to other kinds of sex, and it's more likely to happen when you do oral sex on a man than a woman. So relatively speaking, you're at low risk if you do it on her. Michael Douglas apparently just got unlikely.

Thanks for the link.

Shouldn't going down on a woman be just as risky as vaginal sex for a man?

Suppose the man doesn't actually ejaculate inside the woman but is just inside her for a while. Aren't there vaginal fluids still coming into contact with him? So whether via his penis or his mouth, aren't they still going to expose him to something? I am not sure what is the difference between the two in terms of risk or exposure.

Something I read online (though I think it mostly refers to HIV and I have no idea of it's legitimacy):

Spoiler

The reason that oral sex is so much safer is that the throat is not as vulnerable to infection. Saliva has properties that can disable some infections, including HIV, and so there needs to be quite a lot of HIV present for infection to take place. Also, the mouth and throat are not as efficient at absorbing liquids into the bloodstream. Even if you swallow ***, any HIV that may be there will usually be killed by the strong acids in your stomach.

I think other STD's are much more commonly transferred through oral sex. herpes. Like Herpes, Gonorrhea, Syphilis & Chlamydia.

But that's why, in my history of sex, only those people i've had actual relationships with have gone down on me.

Oral sex on a man you can use a condom and it's seen as normal. Dental dams are a bit unheard of, so you just... don't go down on a woman you don't know very well.

So are vaginal fluids more likely to be absorbed into the bloodstream via the penis? (See my question above to Anita).

I know that you can cut a condom up into a kind of square to put on a woman when going down on her, since dental dams are extremely uncommon and not found in regular stores. But it doesn't exactly seem pleasurable but would have the taste of rubber and no sensation either on the tongue of the man and not much on the woman's parts. As far as a man is concerned, that doesn't seem much different to licking a piece of cling film in a non-sexual context.

Also, regarding HPV, could that not be transmitted generally through skin to skin contact (ie non genital)? How easy is it to actually contract it?

 

[hopefuldreamer]

It's amazing how the shift back-and-forth between hope and despair affects my behaviour. I often despair as has been obvious from my messages the past couple days. I wasn't going to go to the gym tonight since I'm sore everywhere. I'm actually having a back and forth with someone I wouldn't expect it, so I find some extra will, I went to the gym tonight and worked out very specific muscle groups.

It was a good day to go, there were three different people who independently brought cake to work today :P

These people are the bane of my life on a daily basis!

It's definitely hard. I have spent my life feeling like trying too hard to find a partner is pointless. And tbh I still feel like that's true, but it's different for me because I was out in the world in a lot of social circles... so I just felt like it had to be a matter of time before it naturally happened. And then, finally, it did

If you frequent less parties and bars and less social events, it does become more important to try other forms of dating possibilities, but the effort you have to put in and the rejection you get can be exhausting.

All I can say is... don't give up hope. Don't be Nell

In all the infinite possibilities of the world, there may be a girl who joins a dating site you are on, who sees you photos and your profile and reads your message and decides to give you a shot. And when you meet, you and that girl may hit it off really well and go on several more dates that lead to a successful relationship.

That possibility is ALWAYS there, even if you've NEVER had a response. That's the beauty of it.

 

[Schlosser85]

Didn't Nell actually find somebody eventually?

 

[DA_Champion]

...

At the end of the day, what you are doing clearly isn't working for you, as you described yourself.

So what harm in there is trying another way?

You're jumping to a lot of conclusions, I think you're applying baggage from previous experiences onto me, which is ok really, people do that sometimes and I understand because I've done it too. It may be that you got a lot of short irrelevant messages in your time on PoF and you carry some irritation from that. I assure you that I would not have sent you a short and irrelevant message, I only send those to people with short profiles.

- Send out messages to girls whose profiles you've read from top to bottom and think you might click based on your interests. Then put at least 10 minutes of thought into each message and try and use a light and happy tone. Be interested and interesting.

For example this, you're assuming I'm not doing this, even though I told you I am doing this. If they're interesting I read the profiles and put more time into the message, I already wrote that. You did add the light and happy tone though. I did not actually explicitly mention that. I'm not sure if I do that every time. But it's better to be in a good mood.

I do know that you would be exceptionally interested in a light and happy tone. I remember you ranked the serious-arguably-grim Noah as the worst film of 2014 :-P

It's true that I don't have a great sense of humour. In general people laugh at my jokes, but I don't make that many of them. I'm making an effort, but it's not going to be fixed in the short-term. At my work, I introduce the visiting scholars, and before I was just introducing them as in "this is X, he was previously at A but now he is at B and he will talk about C," people complained that my introductions were boring. I've been trying for the last two months to include a few personal (not directly science-related) facts about the person, and maybe a couple jokes, it seems to be working, people laugh and like it, but it gives me a little anxiety, honestly. Jokes can easily backfire, and if they fall flat it's a disaster.

- Swap your professional photos for more natural ones that are semi decent angles/lighting and some that show you are not just a boring serious person... that you can have fun.

I have both kinds of photos posted. I also did what you suggested for years. In contrast I've only been using the professional photos for a month. I'm going to give them an honest shot, say six months.

Here are some recent photos of me, I don't know if these will show:

I'm sorry that the resolution is so high.

These people are the bane of my life on a daily basis!

It's definitely hard. I have spent my life feeling like trying too hard to find a partner is pointless. And tbh I still feel like that's true, but it's different for me because I was out in the world in a lot of social circles... so I just felt like it had to be a matter of time before it naturally happened. And then, finally, it did

If you frequent less parties and bars and less social events, it does become more important to try other forms of dating possibilities, but the effort you have to put in and the rejection you get can be exhausting.

All I can say is... don't give up hope. Don't be Nell

In all the infinite possibilities of the world, there may be a girl who joins a dating site you are on, who sees you photos and your profile and reads your message and decides to give you a shot. And when you meet, you and that girl may hit it off really well and go on several more dates that lead to a successful relationship.

That possibility is ALWAYS there, even if you've NEVER had a response. That's the beauty of it.

I'm one of the three people who brought cake :-P I was very excited, I made serious modifications to my apple-marzipan pie recipe and I wanted reviews ... but people had already had one or two other cakes that day. lol.

What happened to Nell? Do you mean Spider Nell?

*******

There's no doubt that I need more social circles. I'v been making more of an effort lately, I went into counselling in April. It takes time. I'm not sure how to go about it.

 

[Anita18]

Thanks for the link.

Shouldn't going down on a woman be just as risky as vaginal sex for a man?

Suppose the man doesn't actually ejaculate inside the woman but is just inside her for a while. Aren't there vaginal fluids still coming into contact with him? So whether via his penis or his mouth, aren't they still going to expose him to something? I am not sure what is the difference between the two in terms of risk or exposure.



So are vaginal fluids more likely to be absorbed into the bloodstream via the penis? (See my question above to Anita).

I know that you can cut a condom up into a kind of square to put on a woman when going down on her, since dental dams are extremely uncommon and not found in regular stores. But it doesn't exactly seem pleasurable but would have the taste of rubber and no sensation either on the tongue of the man and not much on the woman's parts. As far as a man is concerned, that doesn't seem much different to licking a piece of cling film in a non-sexual context.

Also, regarding HPV, could that not be transmitted generally through skin to skin contact (ie non genital)? How easy is it to actually contract it?

Dude, why not look into articles and studies yourself? I was a bio major in college and I don't know the details of this stuff.

And again, if you're worried, the best thing to do is ask the other person if they've been tested. If you don't want to ask and you're still worried, then use protection. It doesn't have to be that complicated.

 

[Anita18]

I have both kinds of photos posted. I also did what you suggested for years. In contrast I've only been using the professional photos for a month. I'm going to give them an honest shot, say six months.

Here are some recent photos of me, I don't know if these will show:

I'm sorry that the resolution is so high.

In your case, I think if the professional photos are those done in a glamour studio (like the ones found in a mall), I would say don't post them. They come across extremely old-fashioned. Given that you're balding, I don't think it's a good idea to add any more indication of how old you might be, or come across old-fashioned in any way. (IIRC you're in your early 30s, but you could also easily be in your 40s with those pictures, sorry to say...)

The good professional photos I'm thinking of are mostly those with good lighting, taken outdoors or if indoors, taken with a medium lens. Go on about.me and see the examples there. The shot with your shoulders and that pose with your hands is reminiscent of bad yearbook pictures.

In your specific case, I would actually stick with more pictures like your first photo. You may look older (and it isn't your fault), but you can still come across fun-loving and young at heart.

Online profile pics should give a somewhat accurate idea of what you look like and entice people to message you, they don't have to be like, super-detailed enough for someone to pick you out of a lineup. My husband has horrible posture but he picked pictures where it wasn't evident. That's ok. I got a reasonable idea of what he looked like. That's the goal.

 

[Erzengel]

Again this all goes along with my belief of dating well. There are some people I work with for example who got married after only ONE year of dating. Now they are in the process of divorce because they didn't really know the person they married and was swayed because the sex, lust, physical apperence. They thought that was love when in reality it was lust. Personally, I wouldn't even consider marrying a girl unless we dated for at least a solid two years minimum ( three years would be ideal). I want to take the time to really know the girl. What makes her tick, her life goals, how she deals with life challenges, how she interacts with her family, friends etc. Not just rush and marry her because of sex or lust. I despise divorce and it should be done in extreme cases. Otherwise, I think people should do whatever it takes to fix their marriage.

If you can find someone who shares your beliefs and will wait 2-3 years to get married, good for you.

I have no issues with that. What I want to mention, is having those long term plans don't always work out the way you envision. And there's so many different scenarios that can happen. Would you date a woman who was previously married, but who's husband passed away?

Even after knowing someone 3 years, and getting married, things can still change regardless of the effort you put in. Right now, I only believe in getting married once. But if both partners aren't willing to try and fix it, there's only so much one person can do.

 

[DA_Champion]

If you can find someone who shares your beliefs and will wait 2-3 years to get married, good for you.

I have no issues with that. What I want to mention, is having those long term plans don't always work out the way you envision. And there's so many different scenarios that can happen. Would you date a woman who was previously married, but who's husband passed away?

Even after knowing someone 3 years, and getting married, things can still change regardless of the effort you put in. Right now, I only believe in getting married once. But if both partners aren't willing to try and fix it, there's only so much one person can do.

Why would someone have a no-widow rule? I've never heard of that.